lisa, but with an "R."

My dear friend, Risa, is celebrating 27 years of living today, but really I'm the one celebrating. Celebrating because Risa is one of those people that you can call and spill your guts out to and you know nothing has changed. I could run over her cat, set her collection of My Little Ponies on fire and cut up her Anne Taylor Loft card and she would love me the same.

Risa is super smart, extremely funny and dresses very maturely. She's not the most amazing dancer I've ever met, but she can do a Pedro (from Napoleon Dynamite) impression better than anyone on Earth!

She's definitely someone you want on your team-- especially if you're losing, because she just has a great attitude. About everything. I know she'll disagree with that statement, but I don't care.

Risa, I hope your burrday is marvelous. I hope it's spent watching really crappy crime scene investigative shows or maybe with a round of non-alcoholic margaritas with your cray-z aunties from the West.

Risa, thanks: for being my friend. For g-chatting with me. For answering the phone at 3 a.m. when I'm making poor decisions. For taking me on two tours of D.C. For teaching me Daniel at camp, even though you didn't teach much. For never putting me in kayak at camp. For almost always giving me two off-periods at camp. For being a reference on my resume. For making me laugh. For encouraging me. For telling me to shut-up when I need to shut-up. For getting in line in '09. For being a good example. For recognizing good hair when you see it.

And most importantly, for being a unique and caring individual in a world that is becoming less and less unique and caring. You haven't saved me hundreds of dollars on therapy, but you have saved me thousands and I'm grateful for you.

Happy Burrday.

kool-aid.

Let me tell you the residents of Rt. 2 Box 166 (now a different address, but for the purpose of protecting my beloved parentals privacy and their precious dog, I will not reveal it) loved some Kool-Aid, well my mother preferred Diet Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke, but the rest of us could drink some Kool-Aid. Our favorites were, without hesitation, black cherry and tropical punch. Later in life, lemonade became a favorite and on occasion my Brosef would get crazy and mix two flavors together much to the delight of The Reg and me.

People love Kool-Aid. For good reason: tasty and cheap. Cheap and tasty.

People love Kool-Aid so much that in 1978 some 900-odd people drank Kool-Aid poisoned by cyanide. This happened in Guyana in a case eventually referred to as Jonestown. This mass suicide is where the phrase, "Drinking the Kool-Aid" came to play. These 900-odd people were drinking Kool-Aid given to them by their cult leader, Jim Jones. 900-odd people were totally drinking Jones' Kool-Aid, believing and following every last thing he said up until their deaths.

Most likely to serve Kool-Aid at their children's weddings:

President Barack Obama-- This man's Kool-Aid is so delicious he received a Nobel Peace Price for flavor and taste. He received the award well before his first batch was even ready. He had barely filled up the pitcher with water and even now, it's not even half-full. Essentially, there's no Kool-Aid to drink, only a promise of cool, delicious, refreshing Kool-Aid.

Tim "Messiah" Tebow-- This kid's Kool-Aid is so good they gave him a Heisman. And sometimes it's just above average good and people think they are drinking his Kool-Aid from 2007, when really they aren't. He celebrates his Kool-Aid way too much and in turn, people over-hype it. Sometimes other members from his team try to share their Kool-Aid and people come from nowhere to stick Tebow's Kool-Aid in front of his teammates'. People get drunk off of his Kool-Aid and that's never good.

I'm not trying to hate, or maybe I am, I'm just saying-- a Nobel Peace Prize, really? Like...come. on. What are the requirements for this honor? Promises? Hope? Being a minority in a traditionally-majority role? Being a best-selling author? Having cute kids? Drinking beer and being normal, while leading the free-world? If that's the case I could nominate more than one person for this "prize" and I think I'll start with myself.

As far as Tim Tebow goes, I'd just like to say that I very much appreciate his advancement of the Gospel, but that in no way makes him Jesus. I was just like that kid in college and no one worshipped the ground I walked on (save Kaylee and Jilliams).

While I'm at it, I'd also like to caution the drinking of Kool-Aid being distributed by the following: Sarah Palin, Fox News, Oprah, Kay Bailey Hutchinson, people who say, "Happy Holidays," people who change the oil in your car, Balloon Boy's family.

Kool-Aid is good, when it served in a cool, tall un-bias glass.

oh, interesting.

First off, CNN said it best, "He was in a box. In the attic. The whole time." Yes, I'm talking about Balloon Boy. The second I read that his sibling saw him go up in the balloon and not an adult I knew that kid was not in the balloon. I just really wonder what kind of media coverage I would get if I floated away in a balloon. It's something I'm willing to research.

Also, are these people friends with the Palin family? I mean, the kid's name is Falcon. And they were on Wife Swap. Some complete weirdos go on that show, which answers a lot of questions I have about the whole situation and then brings up even more concerns at the same time. Maybe they should try going on SuperNanny so they don't have to yell at the kid so much that he hides in an attic for three hours. Oh yeah, why wasn't this kid in school?

I will give props to this family for one thing: the kids are allowed to cuss inside the house, but not outside the house. A family that can cuss together can laugh together. And a family that can laugh together can watch their child vomit on national television and not skip a spotlight-seeking beat.

the hills: surprise (you all suck).

During this recap I hope to answer two questions:

-WTF?

-Wait, are you shitting me?

-----

We start the epi with K-Cav and her BFFFFFFFFF, Stacie, getting some sex toys for the Brodster and his gUrlie, Jay-de. K-Cav really shows her classy side when she starts telling Stacie about her "vanilla" relationship with the Brodster. That Stacie, she's just good company.

-----

The epi really begins when we see Justin Bobby showing off in the water for his lady love, K-Cav. He isn't very good. K-Cav greets him at the shoreline soaking wet and then immediately upon handing JB a glass of white wine her hair is totally dry.

"Aww, cute." --Justin Bobby

The scene ends with a mini-montage of fun: JB and K-Cav flirting and spraying water on each other.

-----

Finally, only three minutes in we get to meet up with StephiePratt and Auds. There aren't two people much dumber than these two. I would love to discuss health care reform or even just some simple addition and subtraction math problems could be fun, too.

StephiePratt tells Auds it's time for her to start going out again and we are able to ask the question: WTF? Auds acts as if her hiatus from "going out" was because of some tragedy. Nope, turns out it was "just to get my head straight after Justin." This comment was met with a full-on blank stare from StephiePratt.

"I already know where this is going Audrina...dude, Derek is so hot." --StephiePratt

StephiePratt missed a golden opportunity here to talk some sense into her dear friend Auds, but instead she says not to date a guy who is too nice because you'd get bored.

Can we address StephiePratt's obvious plastic surgery face yet? Ok, lets-- OUCH. She's now like a hybrid of a plastic toy and your old scary aunt who got too much botox. Janice Dickinson, meet StephiePratt.

-----

We are then taken to the surprise party of the century (or of this half-hour on MTV). Jay-de and her playmate/MySpace gUrl crew are hosting the party at the Brodster's mom's house. What 26th birthday party isn't complete without a bounce-house? I thought those things had a weight limit.

Lo and StephiePratt are there and let me tell you, you can't get much past those two. Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes, Jr. right there. They cracked the case: K-Cav and Justin are dating.

Jay-de, looking all plastic, greets her main man at the gate and everyone is happy.

"Where's your man, where's Justin?" --Brodster

The Hills producers were really rubbing in that JB didn't show. So much so that Brody asked K-Cav not once, but twice where her man was. COLD.

The party is almost ruined when Frankie hits K-Cav in the face and Brody shows a little too much attention to her. Then, Brody's mother almost makes out with K-Cav.

Jay-de begs the Brodster to open presents.

"Yeah, can we open all these F&&&*** presents?" --Jay-de

CLASSY.

Jay-de isn't into the freaky stuff or the after-party and ruins the party. She must've been drinking straight Jagermeister again because she tip-toed off like she was walking on hot coals or something.

"We don't care." --Brodster

Couldn't have said it better myself.

-----

We meet up with Auds in the middle of the day for her lunch date. Most people go on lunch dates because they work. I'm not sure why Auds goes on them.

Can you imagine what a first date would be like with Audrina? Do you think she reads off of note cards? Can you imagine being on a date and someone saying, "Did you have fun at the Tool concert?" I didn't even know they were still a band. Interesting and fun fact.

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about Justin." --Auds

Funny. That is ALL you talk about.

-----

Again, during the middle of the day, we hop on over to the PrattPad where Spence and CharlieBra are hitting some golf balls into the canyon. I must admit, I've been missing CharlieBra. Where is Sleazy-T though?

This is the time where I'd like to address the question: Wait, are you shitting me?

Wait, are you shitting me, Spencer? What are you wearing? I thought it was a joke last week, but it seems like you are for real with this necklace that you're wearing. I can't tell if it's a dead rabbit or a combination of an old computer and a dead rabbit. Must have been in the bargain bin at Target. Those little bastards always get me, too! I mean, they put them right at the front door and everything is only a dollar.

CharlieBra agrees that children should not be on the horizon for the Pratties. And what is up with this kid? I mean, you mention him and immediately he appears on screen. What. a. coincidence.

"Heidi like kids." --Small weird child

Do you really think Spencer could count to 1,000?

"This is so over my head, I never thought (A) I'd have a wife..." --Spence

I bet you aren't the only person who thought that.

-----

We head over to the Brodster's after-party, which surprisingly is not at the Waffle House.

Stacie is there, but she wasn't at the real party. Can't say I've ever attended an intimate after-party if I wasn't invited to the real party first.

The Brodster and the rest of the Bromance crew show up and I swear a 40-year-old man in Tommy Bahama and glasses shows up looking around like, "How'd I get here? Who cares! I'm drinking a beer in a koozie."

K-Cav and the Brodster break down the basics of love and the pain that comes along with it.

-----

The Pratties are out to din-din and not only did Spencer go out in public with that hat on his head, but people let him into a restaurant wearing it.

"What do you have against babies?" --Heidi

Probably the same thing all of humanity has against him: breathing.

"Is this a marriage or a dictatorship?" --Spence

"What you want, I want." --Heidi

Heidi, do you want that hat, too? Please say no. But, if you say no, you're a liar.

You know what really burns me? Those dumb Hills producers really think people out there are falling for the story line of little Pratties coming into the world soon. I mean, come on. How many months ago was it that Heidi released her very critically not acclaimed flop, "Blackout?" This is a woman who wants children?

-----

Per the usual, we meet up with StephiePratt and Auds for their daily ritual of getting together and desperately trying to form sentences that make sense so they can re-play their night before.

I'm not sure if Auds has trouble with this because StephiePratt is an idiot or if StephiePratt has trouble with it because Auds is an idiot. It's really a toss-up. I mean, at one point during Auds' break-down of her lunch date StephiePratt is just staring at her. The only other time I've seen a look like that the person had just seen a trainwreck. Which actually, is probably a reasonable comparison when you think about it.

And ever-true to her word, Auds doesn't want to talk about Justin, but she does.

-----

We hop back on over to K-Cav's Malibu Barbie beach house and Stacie greets K-Cav as she walks down the stairs. So, Stacie and K-Cav live together? Do you think that's weird? You just have to live with some girl that Spencer met in a bar? I mean, literally that's why.

And let's mention that it looks like Stacie's after-party went on a little longer than everyone else's. She is looking R-O-U-G-H. And she's drinking what looks to be some sort of martini. I mean, it could be 2 o'clock in the afternoon, but I'm doubtful.

K-Cav and Stacie analyze Justin Bobby and his games. K-Cav puts her foot down.

"Strike one." --K-Cav

Oh, K-Cav, you're so generous.

-----

And I would now like to talk about the commercials for The Hills. I mean, can you imagine being on a show and the producers come up to you and say, "Ok, we've got a great idea: we're going to borrow some lights from an old P-Diddy video and it's going to say, 'The bitch is back,' you'll just stand next to it." I mean, what? Mom and dad must be over-the-moon proud.

the hills: girl fight.

You know we're in for a treat when the beginning narration starts with, "I had to talk to Audrina face-to-face." This is two-fold. First, Audrina isn't smart. She's not good at speaking and using words, so any scene involving her and confrontation is simply masterful. And second, K-Cav is a lil' demon bitch.

-----

K-Cav is with Stacy, the bartender slutbag, hanging and drinking water. I spotted salads, but no one took any bites. K-Cav called Audrina out about being an adult. This coming from the girl, who last week screamed, "This is how it's gonna be? This is how it's going to be!" at the top of her lungs for the better part of nine minutes.

While we're on the subject of Stacy, can someone please tell me how she became an actual fixture on this show? I mean...she was a bartender that flirted with Spencer and now she's friends with K-Cav? I'm so confused. This isn't real.

-----

Audie is playing hangiez with her sissy and they are shopping.

"Well, Justin's a douche."--Sister

"Pretty much." --Audie

"Bad seed...well, are you going to have lunch with her?"--Sissy

This conversation was very interesting. It lacked any depth at all, but was full of body art.

-----

We hop on over to the Pratt Pad and StephiePratt rolls up with some murdered out rims.

"It's not very kid proof."--StephiePratt

"That's why I got it." --Spence

"That's why I need a kid... to mature him." --Heidi

Whoa, bad idea. Worst idea. StephiePratt steps in and says, "That's a bad idea."

"Puppies, cats, dogs." --Spencer

"You need something to help you grow as a man." --Heidi

"No, I'll meditate." --Spencer

And then, it was over. What just happened? Well, it's hard to say, but Heidi wants kids so Spence will grow up and Spence, being the mature one in the relationship realizes that this is a horrible idea. But, hey-- they have windows in their house.

-----

We meet up with K-Cav looking terribly sad and dramatic and Lo. K-Cav's hair is perfection. For a lunch date. I think she has a hair person. Oh, Hills producers, you so make these people's lives so much better.

They are drinking water. But, they are at a restaurant.

"I probably should just go for Justin, if you mess with me, I'll mess with you." --K-Cav

I think this is a great reason to start a relationship. They should probably have a child too, you know, so Justin Bobby will mature a little.

-----

We're back with Auds and the lil' gUrliez. More "conversations" are happening. Auds totes stood up K-Cav. And Lo is looking like she might be going to a prom with her make-up all done up.

"Wait. I need black clothes." --StephiePratt

Not for a grand opening, but maybe for the funeral of my life because I'll never get it back after this.

-----

Back to the PrattPad. Some fake neighbors come over with a small child on a scooter. The small child is annoying. Much like SpencerBoy.

"I'm not even seeing the girl I married because you're so crazy. Don't ever volunteer me to babysit again. Thank you." --Spence

"You're not welcome." --Heidi

Classic come back from Heidi.

Classic.

-----

On to the band show case. Auds totes took Lo to work like it's normal. It's not normal. The singer looks way too cool for this piece of shit show. I'm almost sad for her that her record label already destined her for a life of nothing by introducing her to the world by putting her on The Hills. People who watch this show only listen to the Pussycat Dolls and old Britney Spears, not people who play the piano.

-----

We head over to the Playhouse where nasty gUrl Jay-de is sleazing it up on another gUrlie. K-Cav and Justin Bobby show up. JB has gotten a haircut and shaved.

"Tequila. Let's go." --Justin Bobby

K-Cav and Justin Bobby are slow dancing while contortionist are hanging from the ceiling. Probably a typical scene in Hollywood.

K-Can and Justin Bobby start mugging down, while sad shots of Audie flash onto the screen. Wow, talk about tugging on the heart strings. Too bad I couldn't give a rat's ass who K-Cav is kissing and how sad Audie is.

-----

Back at the PrattPad the lil' one is playing Wii and Heidi is serving snacks.

"Whoa, you're so good at THE tennis." --Heidi

The tennis?

"Say bye-bye forever. Forever." --Spence

"I'm not supposed to be around kids, I can barely be around adults. How am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?" --Spence

That is without a doubt the most true statement ever said on The Hills.

-----

StephiePratt, the moron and Audie are meeting up for a post-game chat. To sum up their evenings, StephiePratt says, "It was insane."

"I saw Justin and Kristen making out." --StephiePratt

"Ok." --Audie

Audie has anxiety.

Audie is an idiot.

-----

Justin Bobby and K-Cav are taking a trip on his bike. JB has a sparkly helmet. It's ugly.

"I'm a game player and you're a liar." --JustinBobby

Ok, I take back my earlier statement. That was the most true statement ever uttered on The Hills.

K-Cav and JB don't care and want to have a good time. Why did they go to that restaurant? Was it to eat? Do these people ever eat?

-----

My DVR cut off as JB and K-Cav rode off into the sunlight on his big ole motorbike. I feel dumber and more and more disappointed in myself ever minute that I spend watching this garbage.

quickly losing hope.

More and more often I'm reminded that I am not of this world and this world is absolutely not my home. Most of these occurrences take place either while driving or while watching reality television. On the road and on television I constantly see people who desperately need Jesus in their lives. Unfortunately, while on the road I'm the least likely person to remind someone of their eternal life in Heaven and the people on television can't seem to hear me when I'm yelling, "If you would go to church and quit getting hair extensions you might not be on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge for the 11th time while battling alcoholism. Also, if you're a recovering alcoholic why in the world would you go on this show? Why put yourself in that situation? I hate you!"

I agree that it's weird that the majority of the time I'm reminded that my daily mission should be to bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world is while driving or watching television, but hey-- conviction is conviction. It takes a village.

Anyway. This morning, while driving and flipping through radio stations I heard a song, for the second time, that literally made me weep. The first time I heard it I thought, "surely, this isn't real. This is a joke. I'm not hearing this." The song is a for-sure-to-be classic, "Baby by Me" by the ever-encouraging 50 Cent. In the lyrics, 50 states, "Have a baby by me.. Baby! Be a millionaire" He repeats this no less than 62 times in three minutes. Which, really, is quite impressive.

This song just proved, again, that there is no rest when carrying the Gospel.

And also-- I think I'm going to finally get one of those Jesus fish to go on the back of my car. It takes a village.

the woo-face.

Several (and by several, I mean, many) years ago a precious lil' baby gUrl was born to some proud parents, for the purpose of this story, we'll call them Benny and Donna.

When the gUrl was little her parents had big hopes and dreams for their first child. Little did they know she'd surpass all of those hopes and dreams and not only become her high school's homecoming queen and student council president, but also become dangerously good at body rolls and shopping.

She took her love of fashion and dropping it like it's hot all the way to Samford University where she decided she'd like to go into ministry, only later to quit because the paycheck couldn't support her outlet mall shopping habits.

Nonetheless, the gUrl grew up and today she turns 28. She's a dear friend, has a big heart and usually carries an even bigger purse. She can body roll with the best of them and has been called "The White Beyonce" on more than one occasion. She is afraid to get dirty and almost never leaves the house without "putting her face on," but, that's why she's Tay-Tay Nasty Woo-Face (I swear on my life and all the dead presidents that she gave herself that nickname) and that's why we love her and call her friend.

So, to the gUrl who once told me I was, "somewhere in between kind and demeaning," I hope your birthday is somewhere between just plain shitty and all-around wonderful. If I was in Austin today I would buy you a drink, because Lord knows you can't get enough of those. And after that I'd choreograph a dance to "Pokerface" for you and tell you that I love you dearly and I'm so very thankful to be in your friend bank. You make my life and a whole slew of others' lives much, much better...and eventful.

Here's to Taylor (SHOUT OUT).