Regardless of who the honk was aimed at, the first thought that popped into my head was a quote from the Crimmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life." The quote being, "Teacher says, 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Upon this quote entering into my thought process I began to think of what this quote would look like if this movie was remade today, in 2012.
And thus, brilliance was born. Updated Crimmas movie quotes, if the movies were remade in 2012.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Original: “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Today: "Daddy, teacher says, every time someone honks at you in Crimmas traffic by the mall an angel gets its wings."
Original: "If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank."
Today: "You're killing the middle class."
Original: “Okay, this is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?”
Today: "This is like, major. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family to get an updated data plan for our iPhones?"
Original: "I made my family disappear. I made my family disappear!"
Today: "I blocked my family's status updates from appearing in my Facebook newsfeed, so it's like they disappeared."
MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET
Original: “If you're really Santa Claus, you can get it for me. And if you can't, you're only a nice man with a white beard, like mother says."
Today: "OMG. Google it. Amazon has everything."
Original: "Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed."
Today: "What does Donald Trump say? I'd like to see his birth certificate."
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION
Original: “Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"
Today: "Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed."
Original: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
Today: "Happy Holidays, kiss my ass."
Original: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "
Today: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! I need a Xanax."
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Original: “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Today: "It gets better."
Original: “Bah humbug!"
Today: "F, you!"
Original: “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
Today: "I mean, I got mad love for Christmas! Imma respect Christmas. Mad love for Christmas, y'all."
Today:"You get a car, you get a car, you get a car! Everybody. Gets. A. Car."
Mur Crimmas, internetS! May your shitter never be full!