Thursday, December 20, 2012

crimmas movie quotes: updated.

As I was driving to work this morning I think I got honked at by another driver. I say I think, because I'm not entirely sure who the honk was directed towards.

Regardless of who the honk was aimed at, the first thought that popped into my head was a quote from the Crimmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life." The quote being, "Teacher says, 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Upon this quote entering into my thought process I began to think of what this quote would look like if this movie was remade today, in 2012.

And thus, brilliance was born. Updated Crimmas movie quotes, if the movies were remade in 2012.

Original: “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Today: "Daddy, teacher says, every time someone honks at you in Crimmas traffic by the mall an angel gets its wings."

Original: "If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank."
Today: "You're killing the middle class."


Original: “Okay, this is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?”
Today: "This is like, major. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family to get an updated data plan for our iPhones?"

Original: "I made my family disappear. I made my family disappear!"
Today: "I blocked my family's status updates from appearing in my Facebook newsfeed, so it's like they disappeared."

Original: “If you're really Santa Claus, you can get it for me. And if you can't, you're only a nice man with a white beard, like mother says."
Today: "OMG. Google it. Amazon has everything."

Original: "Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed."
Today: "What does Donald Trump say? I'd like to see his birth certificate."

Original: “Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"
Today: "Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed."

Original: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
Today: "Happy Holidays, kiss my ass."

Original: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "
Today: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! I need a Xanax."

Original: “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Today: "It gets better."

Original: “Bah humbug!"
Today: "F, you!"

Original: “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
Today: "I mean, I got mad love for Christmas! Imma respect Christmas. Mad love for Christmas, y'all."

Original: “God bless us, everyone!"
Today:"You get a car, you get a car, you get a car! Everybody. Gets. A. Car."

Mur Crimmas, internetS! May your shitter never be full!

Friday, December 14, 2012

crimmas gift guide: dos.

Omigah. Only 10 shopping days left before perpetual disappoint sets in and you walk away from Crimmas morning the proud owner of more than one flashlight and several pairs of socks. 

Let's avoid that disappoint for your family and friends with these fabulous finds. 

Book Holder
For: The Avid Reader who Can't Move His/Her Arms
Why: Because, how often are you sitting in a chair, just holding your book and suddenly, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED from all the work of sitting and holding a book? Like, all. the. time.

Cow Wind Chime
For: The Cow Lover
Why: Because, if you love cows, you want to enjoy their beauty.
Bonus: The wind chime sounds like a dream angel serenading you on your back porch while you are peacefully reading a book THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BOOK HOLDER. 

Ice Cream Cone Lamp
For: The Avid Reader with a Sweet Tooth
Why: Because, lamps are a yawn! Spice (or SWEET) it up a bit and get a lamp shaped like an ice cream cone.


Raptor Dog Costume
For: The Dog/Dinosaur Lover
Why: Because, what person doesn't want to own a dinosaur?
Bonus: Your dog looks like a dinosaur now.

Portable Spa
For: Everyone
Why: Because, how many times have you showed up at a friend's house hoping to just relax in the jacuzzi and you can't?

The One-of-a-Kind Shirt
For: The Fashion-Forward Man
Why: Because, men are unique individuals, most with a style all their own.
Bonus: All shirts are a piece of art and no patterns are repeated-- you pick the patterns you want!
Double Bonus: Great for a night out on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties or any other time you want to stand out!

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