Tuesday, January 29, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 4.

In a pretty shocking twist (spoiler alert!) we start off with Chrissy Poo in the living room giving the 'ladies' a little pep talk. He delivers the date card.

It was concerning that the producers chose to not show Sean working out in his blue shorts this episode. I had to wonder, "did he hurt him himself?" No! "Did the producers decide to quit recycling footage?" No!

In an attempt to reach to even lower depths, at the bottom of an already deep barrel, they showed Sean in his boxer briefs. So, at this point, his parents (HIS PERFECT PARENTS) are probably really proud. What God-fearing mother doesn't want their son and his junk on their 47' inch flat screen television in HD? Morals be damned!

During this shot, we're reminded that Sean just needs to focus his attention on relationships with each individual gUrl. He also started following them all on Instagram!

Selma gets the date card. Leslie H. cries. And it's an ugly cry. She wants Sean to see that she has a heart!!!!!!!! (Question: what did she do, that we missed, that may have caused Sean to think she doesn't have a heart?) (Possibility: it could be an actual medical condition?)

"I hope he's not making me do hot yoga." -- Selma
I can't imagine a date being over faster than if someone rolled up to my home and said, "It's time for some hot yoga!"

Selma is smooth. She somehow figured out how to work her weight into a conversation. I would too. IF I weighed 110 pounds.

Sean is tricking Selma. They aren't going somewhere glamorous. I hope it's somewhere that at least appreciates the lengths she went to, to show her cleavage in an appropriate way for a gUrl who can't legally (?) date in public (?).

Clearly, there were no flight-attendants on this flight. Selma relaxed the entire way and gave Sean the freedom to do nothing but stare down her shirt the entire time. Again. Smooth.

Sean says, "#nofilter. #soblessed."

Sean takes Selma to Joshua Tree National Park and they are the only people there. Sean's an "outdoorsy guy," he wants to "test" Selma. THIS ALL MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, PEOPLE.

Sean even packed a backpack. Selma DOES. NOT. DO. HEAT.

Sean's sunglasses are the least "outdoorsy" sunglasses I've ever seen on a man. He's not even wearing a croakie (a leash for sunglasses)!!!!!!!!!!!! They are going to fall off of his head!!!!!! Then what?!

Also, what outdoorsy man wears salmon colored board shorts to the desert?

He's also rock climbing in a pair of Chuck Taylor's?

He's like a damn ad for BASS PRO SHOPS.

They climb up the rock, grammar be damned, "you're doing good!" Selma complains a lot.


It's like they were driving down the highway and Selma saw a tractor on top of a dog and she moved that tractor and saved that dog's life! Or. Someone at the top of that rock pulled Selma up the entire way and made Sean actually climb it.

We also learned that this was one of her fears and she conquered it. Sean is impressed. He doesn't want the day to end. He wants to go look at AirStream trailers!!!!!!!! Selma thinks they are going somewhere fancy! He's full of surprises! I'm telling you. THIS GUY!

They take a load off and settle down with some white wine.

Listen, I'm all for sitting down and being comfortable. But, the way these two were sitting made my neck ache. Selma must have a great chiropractor.

Sean tells us his SAD (SAD ASS) story about his one ex-gUrlfriend. He wasn't in a place to get married, but she mentioned marriage. So. They broke up. : (

Now, he is in a place to get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean wants to kiss. He's getting the vibe that Selma wants it, too. WRONG.

Selma starts dropping bombs (OVER BAGHDAD!!!!!!!!) and lets SeanBoy know that her mother would LITERALLY have a heart attack if they kissed on television.

Sean tells Selma he would like to kiss her. She says, "NO WAY." Then goes on a spree about her mother's culture and blahblahblah.

"We aren't allowed to date. Obviously, we're allowed to date." -- Selma
Nothing has ever been less obvious to me, Selma. And I pick up on a lot of context clues. 

She keeps calling it her mother's culture, but I think it might be her culture, too?

Can Sean date a Muslim-lady?
I have my doubts.

Doubts be damned! Selma gets the rose.


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean says the date is going to be INCREDIBLE. Spoiler! It's the exact opposite.

"I don't think having one arm is going to hold me back today." -- Soul Surfer
Normally, I would agree. 


Every gUrl, but that tornado of negativity, Amanda, is terrified.

This whole segment lasts way too long.

Amanda told everyone that she's done this before. She knows how to psych-out her opponents. I got mad respect for that head-game she's playing!

Everyone is falling. And falling.
Sean is giggling. And giggling.

Soul Surfer is having some real problems. In a way that's real. And understandable. Roller-skating is all about balance and catching yourself when you fall because you lost your balance. She's not just skating on a regular surface either, it's got an incline!

It becomes a bigger deal than it should've.

But, she somehow keeps getting that hair in a ponytail, so she can do a lot of things I think she can't.

Doubts be damned! She's going to do it!


COCKTAILS AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is wearing a blazer and something under a blazer. It's not a hoodie and it's not a vest.

Sean steals Soul Surfer away. He wants to let her know that he's SO PROUD of her. She's embarrassed. I have to wonder if she gets like this in her everyday life. I just don't think she does! But, I don't know.

Amanda returns. Sean is so happy. She appears to be okay.
Sean gives her a kiss on her jaw. She is disappointed.


Robyn is pissed. She's so pissed she doesn't even put her red wine down during her interview!

Tierra is better than the other gUrls, but she's not too good for those earrings. I've only seen earrings like that on billboards by the airport for gentleman's clubs.

Tierra goes on the hunt for Sean. She starts crying. Then, she starts bawling. She's being tortured. I think she mentioned Dick Cheney, too?

Sean is off making out with the substitute teacher and gearing up for a jaunt in the hot tub, when Tierra, who, remember, is being tortured by HIGH SCHOOLERS, appears out of a dark corner!

The substitute has to go back to the other gUrls in nothing but her bikini.

Tierra tells Sean she can't do it any longer. It's too hard. It's seriously torture.


Sean knows what she is going through. He's been through it. He knows it's worth it, if she's "had that moment." It's difficult, but think about that moment, gUrl! Think about it! It's this or going back to a life of waitressing at Applebee's and drinking champagne out of a Solo cup!

The music starts getting sexy.

Sean knows she likes him. He can tell.
She just wants his time.


What is Sean wearing under that jacket??????????????????????????

Tierra gets the rose.
Heads roll.

Sean wants to see where this goes. He's crazy about her.


Sean sends Leslie H. some diamond earrings.

Sean picks Leslie H. up in a rented Maserati and they take off and are all giddy and screaming. They throw their hands up and are all, "IT'S A RENTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!"

And now, we can all see that train headed down the tracks. The whistling is blowing, the engine is steaming.


No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Quick recap of 'Pretty Woman': Julia Roberts is a hooker. Richard Gere is a businessman. He hires her for the week. He gives her cash to shop on Rodeo Drive. People know she's a hooker. She says, "Big mistake! Huge!" They get in a fight. She leaves. He finds her. She's still a hooker. He climbs up her fire escape with roses. They fall in love.

Key words in the story here: hooker. hires. hooker.

PAUSE: WHAT IS THAT VEST, SEAN? It must've taken you 30 minutes to button that up! How many buttons are on it?!

Sean thinks this is every woman's fantasy.
NO! SHE WAS A HOOKER. This is not a fairy tale!

SIDE NOTE:: The following come to mind as 'fairy tales': Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Princess Diaries, Kate Middleton's life, Grace Kelly's life, Gerald and Betty Ford's love story. ALL FAIRY TALES. To my knowledge, NO hookers are involved in any of those stories.

Sean takes Leslie H. to try on dresses. They are ugly dresses. Obviously.
She's taking advice from a guy in a vest and a plaid shirt.

Also, I think his belt has studs on it.
What is this, 'Sons of Anarchy'?

He's dressed like a knock-off Ken doll.

"I feel like I'm in 'Pretty Woman!'" -- Leslie H. 

Sean then takes Leslie H. to Neil Lane. I used to have so much respect for Neil Lane.

Remember that scene in 'Pretty Woman' where Jason Alexander approaches Julia Roberts about becoming his hooker? SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM! She gets introduced to her "boyfriend's" friends and they want to sleep with her for money! Big mistake! Huge! Get me out of this polo match! I'm a hooker, but you better not treat me like one!

Sean takes Leslie H. to an abandoned building for dinner. Kind of like she's a hooker and they can't go out in public.

Sean tells Leslie H. she can keep the earrings. FORESHADOWING.

Sean says today is the most romantic date he could've ever dreamed up. I hope J.F. Lawton (he wrote 'Pretty Woman') isn't watching this!!!!! And Garry Marshall be damned!!!!!!! This was all Sean.

Sean wants to know more about Leslie H. She's scared to put her heart on the line.

Leslie H. tells a story about this guy she dated for 7 years in Florida. The story was the same story a lot of gUrls have, but she seemed like she was setting Sean up for a twist! I honestly thought she was going to say, "So, I grew up with this guy. We dated for 7 years. Then, he won the Heisman and we broke up." I really thought she was going to say Tim Tebow was her ex-boyfriend.

Nope. She just dated a guy that got married after they broke up.
That's it.

Leslie H. tells a story about her family. Sean has been "so blessed" by his family.
I love my family, too, Sean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UH-OH. Leslie's parents are divorced.

Leslie H. gets hustled into a Suburban and Sean makes the long, sad walk upstairs to listen to a guy play the guitar.

If I was Sean I'd go get a beer or something.

Instead, he goes to pick up the leftover rose and reflect on his decision.
He's having a few doubts. This decision doesn't feel good.

I mean, he rescued her from hooker-dom! He's her knight!

Hookers be damned!
Sean dropped that rose from the second floor and walked away.

Quick recap: Sean will date a Muslim, but not a gUrl with divorced parents.


PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tierra realizes that in order for her to continue on in this "journey," there need to be less gUrls involved. Four episodes in and she finally understands the premise of the show! Finally.

Sean greets the 'ladies' and tells them that if they have any questions about anything, they should ask.
I can only imagine the questions these idiots asked him!

"Sean, what's the longest your parents have ever held hands?"
"Sean, how often does your family group text?"
"Sean, does your family have any cool family traditions?"

Robyn embarrasses herself for the umpteenth time and says something about, "Do you want to taste the chocolate?" and then kisses Sean. I WAS HORRIFIED BY THIS.

So far: two one-on-one convos and two kisses.

Let's talk about Amanda's hair? Casual brunch in the front, Hurricane Andrew aftermath in the back.

"At the end of the day I'm not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head." -- Tierra
Say who?

Tierra pulls Jackie (WHO??????) and Robyn aside to "apologize." Robyn accepts her apology and her encouragement to "focus on yourself."

"I am too strong of a woman... to let high school pity stuff get in my way!" -- Tierra
She means, 'petty', right?
'Petty', not 'pity'?

Tierra sits down with Sean and she wants him to know that she HATES drama.
Side note to the men: When a gUrl actually says this, run! It's a red flag. gUrls who aren't dramatic, don't bring drama up. gUrls who are dramatic, want to not come off as dramatic and bring it up.

"I think you are your own worst enemy." -- Sean

Sean says he won't be influenced by the other gUrls. He also says he realizes that Tierra requires more reassurance than any gUrl in the house and that's not a bad thing... he says.

Sean and Catherine (???????????????????????????????) are in love. When did this happen? This is the Vegan, right? What a waste! Vegan?!

gUrl, have you ever had a really good steak?
Read Genesis! We're supposed to eat cows!!!!!!!

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniella gets the final rose over Amanda, the tornado of negative energy.
Her hair has been in a tornado.

Her hair doesn't even look cute-messy-casual. It looks like she spent a really, really, really, really long night at the Fiji house and his now headed for a recap brunch somewhere. Somebody get this gUrl some over-sized sunglasses and a shack shirt!

"It's not fair. I feel stupid." -- Amanda

What's not fair, Amanda? WHAT?

"Here's to the continued development of our relationships." -- Sean
I have said that at the end of professional e-mails before. 



This was, honestly, one of the hardest epis I've ever watched and recapped. I'm not encouraged by next week's previews either.

First off, TWO NIGHTS? It is my honest hope and prayer that each night is an hour-long episode. Four hours of this will force me to throw myself down a set of stairs, ala, Tierra.

Second, Tierra gets medical attention... AGAIN?

I am 29 years old.
In Sean's words, "I'm so blessed."
I've never received medical attention from paramedics.
And now, Tierra's receiving it twice in five epis?!

I can't.
I just.

I'm going to watch 'Pretty Woman' and dream a dream.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 3.

Here we are again! And...oh, look! Sean is working out. IN GIANT BLUE SHORTS. Just like last week. And the week before.

Does ABC know that I know that they are using the same footage over and over again? They have to know that I know. I am not your average viewer, ABC!

Chrissy Poo is at the house schlepping out advice to the ladies, "make the most of it."

I'd start off with, "Remember: your dad might be watching." That right there would get me to re-think just about everything I was doing on camera.

We find out that Lesley, the Arkansan, gets the one-on-one date. She's freaking out and she has REALLY LONG HAIR. The date card says, "how long will this love last?" My guess? Six weeks. My other guess? Until hometown dates, so. NOT THAT LONG. She's going to take him down Rogers Avenue in Fort Smith and he'll get one look at Central Mall and bolt. Not to mention, if she puts it on 93.7 (K-I-S-R) and that weirdo Fred is on the air? DONE-ZO.

The date is a yawner. Typical. Sean is a yawner.

They are at the Guinness Book of World Records (store? museum? arcade?) in Hollywood and really, Sean is just using this "adventure" as an excuse to show her a picture of his dad in front of a Suburban.

"She's fun to interact with." -- Sean, about Leslsey
I mean. Really?

We learn that Sean and Lesley are going to break the record (or attempt to break! spoiler!) for "longest on-screen kiss." The two talk about how nervous they are because of the "huge crowd" of people around, but when the camera pans out we see that it's not that many people. AND. That the majority of these people are definitely homeless and were definitely asked to come stand there by the producers.


The kiss was kind of awkward, kind of normal and definitely made me nervous. I thought Lesley dress was going to creep up over her butt at any second and then she'd be breaking some other kind of record, I'm assuming. Luckily, that didn't happen.

It's time for the nighttime action! They are on a roof!

Sean starts with the really hard questions. Like, "what'd you do in high school?" She says she was in a lot of AP classes. Well. Everyone at that high school took AP classes. They took AP classes and made everyone uncomfortable by playing "Dixie" at sporting events.

Then, of course, she talked about how PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND AWESOME her parents are. And then. Again, it became a competition between who's parents hold hands longer at the Old Navy store on a Saturday morning after sharing a croissant from the local Panera Bread. YAWN.

Don't these people's parents ever get shit done? People who hold hands all the time don't get shit done.

Something about taking control and kissing.

Lesley gets the rose.




"Sean, take off your shirt!" -- gUrls
The worst. 

Chrissy Poo comes to tell the ladies that playing volleyball on the beach is "something special."


I played junior high volleyball and I was on the A-team in 8th grade. So, I'm qualified to judge these people.

"This is literally my worst nightmare." -- Daniella
What do these people do day-to-day? I mean. THIS is your worst nightmare?
If I made a list right now of all of my "worst nightmares" I could list approximately 1,586,485 things before you saw "beach volleyball" listed anywhere. 

The winners of the beach volleyball game get to spend the evening with Sean. The losers go home.

I think Jim, Alexis' husband, from Real Housewives of Orange County is the referee. Can anyone confirm?

It's the worst game of volleyball I've ever seen in my life. And as you'll note: I sat through a lot of junior high volleyball. The only silver lining was that no one was there yelling, "Bump, set, spike it, that's the way we like it!" (SHOUT OUT, RHS LADY CYCLONES. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.)

"This is the most important game of my life..." -- Taryn
Suddenly, my life feels worthless. 
I should play more beach volleyball.

One team wins and the other team loses. There are tears. REAL TEARS. This reminds me a lot of my junior high career (CINDY WILLIAMS, ARE YOU OUT THERE?)

Sean takes the winners back to his pad. The losers go back to the PLACE WHERE LOSERS GO AND CRY and do just that: cry. Then, they talk about how exhausting the day was. AT THE BEACH. PLAYING. GALLIVANTING. 

"Oh my gosh. I am just like, so amazed by you." -- Lindsay
I swear I had this exact conversation with a boy on AOL IM once. 


"I feel very blessed." -- Desiree
I wish these people would look up the definition of that word.

Desiree meets up with Sean to talk about how good at volleyball she is. But, then she tells him that she has a "deeper" side. Like, she enjoys life AND the beauty of life. Dang. That is deep.

We learn about the next one-on-one date and also that a lot of these gUrls have not showered from the beach volleyball game.

Tierra PLAYS A REALLY CRUEL JOKE on the gUrls at the house and reads a name on the date that isn't actually on the date card! To clarify: she said a gUrl was going on a date, but the gUrl wasn't actually going on the date.

NO ONE thought it was funny.

Amanda, the tornado of negative energy, has a sit-down with Sean and she tells him that she would bring a "light, airy, fun atmosphere" to marriage. Can I be honest? That's a weird thing to bring to a marriage. I mean, that's not the first thing on my list of things to bring into a marriage. Sure, "fun" would make the list, but "airy"? This isn't a voicemail! It's marriage.

The other gUrls heard Amanda make this promise to Sean and they are not into it. They don't think she is light, airy or fun. Kacie B. is going to be a little selfish and bring it up to Sean.

"I feel like I've been punched in the face." -- Kacie B. 

Kacie B. says she's in the middle of Desiree and Amanda and she can't be herself. It's very odd. She didn't even really say anything. Something about being worried and being in the middle. Sean's more confused than I am.

"Don't act like this crazy person I'm seeing." --Sean

"My plan is not working." -- Kacie B. 
gUrl, while we are discuss things that aren't working: burn that skirt. 

Lindsay gets the rose! Giggles.

"I look like a crazy person." -- Kacie B. 
Listen to me: YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON. 
And better not let anyone else tell you otherwise, gUrl!
You are bat shit crazy! Total BSC!


Time for the one-on-one date! With AshLee!

But, oh no! Noises. Banging! Clatter!

Twas minutes before a one-on-date, when all through the house, 
Ladies were stirring, and mixing their dranks
Bikinis were hung on the balcony with care,
In hopes that Bachelor Sean soon would be there.

The ladies were chatting, some napping in beds, 
While visions of a wedding danced in their heads.

When suddenly, in the house, there arose such a clatter, 
gUrls came running to see what was the matter, 

"Tierra took a big fall." -- AshLee

Right on cue, Sean arrives.

The ambulance arrives. She gets a neck brace and they put her on a stretcher.

"This is so stupid." --Tierra

The producers and medics want Tierra to go to the hospital. Sean wants her to go to the hospital. She says, "No! No! No!" And people, no means no. So. She doesn't go to the hospital and the one-on-date continues.

Sean is taking AshLee to Six Flags (which, come on, baby boy, you can't tell her to dress it down a little for that?). But, there's a twist! Two chronically ill children, who are best friends from the internetS, and LOVE this show are going to be joining them!

What a great way to see if someone has a heart of gold or just hates children: invite chronically ill kids on a date!

This was Sean's "idea," but he can't talk about it. He has to bring Jackie in. I think another twist should be that Jackie joins them, too, and if he decides he likes her she can come back to the house for the rose ceremony.

AshLee thinks this is just thrilling and sweet and that Sean is just soooooooooooo presh for doing this.

Get the Guinness Book out again! That gUrl has the longest hair of any chronically ill child on television ever.

Also. The two gUrls who are sick and joining them on the date are best friends that have never met. At this point, I was really hoping for some kind of "catfish" situation to happen here. Like, one of the teenage gUrls is actually a 35-year-old woman posing as a sick kid just to get on this show and win Sean's heart, but no.

Just two super cutie kids who've been dealt a tough hand.

Everyone is wearing a v-neck except AshLee. What a loser.

Sean and AshLee win some giant stuffed animals for the gUrls and the gUrls have no idea that they are going to have to carry-on those animals on the plane and that it's going to be super embarrassing.

Now, there's a special concert for just them and at this point, Sean's all, "y'all go over there and awkwardly dance together, I'll dance with her."

Then, they take some old-timey photos.

AshLee and Sean get some alone time and she tells Sean her story and it really is a sad and terrible and awful story. Sean even cries. AshLee gets the rose. They dance, they kiss. THIS COULD BE FOREVER, Y'ALL.



Sean knew this week was going to be tough for Soul Surfer, so he gets a limo for her dog and she gets some special time with Leo. HER DOG.


Tierra tells Sean that her back hurts. Desiree interrupts. Tierra is pissed off. She deserves more. Tierra comes back for more, but Desiree is going to stay right where she is. Lesley has had enough. She goes to interrupt.


Desiree is still sitting on that bench. She cries.

Kacie B. has on a tennis dress. She needs to talk through everything with Sean. She's having a hard time. She's ready to move forward. Spoiler alert! Sean is not ready to move forward.


Sean pauses before handing out the roses and asks to see Kacie B. outside. He says he has too much respect for her to just leave her standing in that rose ceremony without a rose. SO. He's going to pull her aside, ALONE, and just put her in a mini-van and send her away FOREVER. I mean, what a sweetie! Not only that, he actually says, "we're better off as friends."


Back to the ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Final rose!!!!!!!!

Desiree gets the final rose. Taryn and Kristy, the model, are headed home. But, remember: Kristy got a modeling job out of this! She's on the cover of a romance novel now! What gUrl doesn't dream that dream growing up?!

Taryn doesn't think she's sweet enough for him.
That's just a weird thing to think.

Kristy gets lost on the way out and wanders around before the producers finally throw her a bone and get her outside where she can just cry alone into her hands in the driveway, like all self-respecting women who get dumped!!!!

It's over.

Until next week.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 2.

Here we are again, plunging into the depths of hell. 

First off, ABC, really? A shower scene? How embarrassing. It's just embarrassing.

Chrissy Poo states again, "probably our most sincere bachelor we've ever had on the show." Like, come on.

The first date card arrives and everyone is "so nervous." But, not as nervous as the gUrl with one arm who, SPOILER ALERT, is about to fall off a building.


Why is Kacie B. so shocked by the helicopter? That idiot rode in a helicopter with Ben and she's a young white gUrl, SHE'S SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE.

"This is probably the biggest dream come true of my life, so far." -- Sarah
: (
For real?! Get other dreams! 

"My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have." -- Sarah


The helicopter lands on a skyscraper in downtown LA and I can only assume that Sean put Sarah's hair in a ponytail for her.

Sean lets Soul Surfer know that he brought her up there for a champagne toast, but! the champagne is on the ground! They are going to free-fall down. Sarah is confident she can do anything with Sean. She trusts him. BORED.

Soul Surfer says the only thing in the world she's scared of is jumping off of a building and she just squashed that. I'm scared of so many things, the producers would have a field day lining up all of those activities for me to overcome. Do you think they could simulate a tornado ripping the roof off of my home? Or how would they attempt to burn me alive while also drowning? What about having a foul ball hit me in the head at a baseball game? Things to think about!

Some story about Soul Surfer's dad telling her to find a guy to love with two arms so she can zip line.

"I do consider myself a man." -- Sean

"It's not about what our bodies look like." -- Soul Surfer.
Oh no... someone forgot to tell baby gUrl that ole boy used to be a fitness model.

We find out who's going on the group date. We get our first, "I'm not here to meet friends" declaration and the gloves are officially off.

Soul Surfer is looking for an adventurous guy, who WILL LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS, NO MATTER HOW MANY ARMS SHE HAS. Or doesn't have.

Sean gives her a rose. They kiss.

Soul Surfer has always imagined it like this and I have to believe she's demented at this point.

"I don't know how I got so lucky." -- Soul Surfer


GROUP DATE!!!!!!!!!

Sean and his 12 ladies gear up for a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel. KEEP IT CLASSY, ABC.

Every time Kacie B. does an interview I just get sad. She's better than this.

The Model saw the cameras and IMMEDIATELY KNEW that it was a photo shoot. And guys, she's a model, so this is her job. She wants to scream and she does.

Also, these gUrls are really excited about being involved in porn. That's odd.

Tierra is M-A-D that The Model has extensions. She's all nat-u-rale. Which, is probably true, but her hair looks greasy. So.

One of the gUrls, Catherine, tells us about the four groups, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." At this point, I'm confused-- sexy is a separate category. But, the cowgirls sure look like they are trying to be sexy. No one is fully-clothed. Basically, it's the least accurate description of anything ever.


Sean is digging Lesley. I'd like to call her something other than Lesley because I know that we've probably been to the same Chili's in Fort Smith, Arkansas. But, for now, it's just Lesley.

The Model is just ecstatic.
The vampires are weird.

Now, there's dancing?! Catherine didn't mention dancing! She clearly said, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." I AM LOST.

The Model, obviously, nailed the photo shoot.

Moms and dads everywhere are just so proud. 

The Model gets the three-book cover deal. Selma don't care! Tierra don't care! Sean got on a deep-v!

POOL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this the point in the blog where I can say that I'm honestly bored out of my mind? These idiots need to get Honey Boo-Boo up in herre (yeah, nailed that one) or sumpin'. If I wanted to be bored I'd go on dates with my friends while they describe their job to men they just met. 

The Model is still talking about being a model. If I talked about my job this much even my parents would tell me to get over it.

Leslsey, the Arkansan, pulls Sean aside and all of my fears kick in. gUrl, I've been through so much this year defending my state. Let's get back to the Clinton years here! She doesn't embarrass me, but she doesn't execute and Sean isn't able to kiss her. However, she did get to state that she is, in fact, there FOR LOVE. Then, she says she's a traditional southern gUrl and she needs him to make the first move (note: her high school mascot is a rebel, but I don't think she means she's a traditional southern gUrl because of that), but then she talks herself out of that garbage, finds him and kisses him.

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS. (note: my junior high mascot was a whirlwind.)

We have a drunk gUrl.

And here's Kacie B. Oh, she's met him before? Oh, she can't believe she's doing this again? OH, HER DRESS WAS MEANT TO BE A BABY'S T-SHIRT.

Sean, in no uncertain terms, tells Kacie B. that he thinks they are good friends. WAH-WAH. Oh, twist! He's going to transition and explore "whatever this is." I want to explore Kacie's hair. What happened there?

Something about a vegan making a beef joke.
Ain't no way in hell a dude from Texas can marry a vegan gUrl.
Might as well burn down the Alamo, while screaming, "FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT!"

gUrls be drankin' and they don't like Tierra sitting on the corner of the couch. I'm fine with her seating choice, but not with her top. Even if I was looking for a top like this, I literally would have no idea where to start. Maybe with typing, "weird fringe tank top" into Google.

Tierra's focus and intentions are on Sean. She's pursuing him and she's out of her comfort zone.

I'm almost certain I wore a top like that in a dance recital once.

We learn that Desiree is getting the second one-on-one date. Soul Surfer got some screen time, but there was no mention of her arm, so... I'm not sure what I am supposed to think here.

Now, we're really getting into the meaty stuff. gUrls are realizing that they are in a competition and that THEY HATE EACH OTHER.

This gUrl is "excessively uncomfortable." But, how does she think we feel?

She goes to Kacie B. for advice. Next thing we know, SHE'S TELLING SEAN SHE WANTS OUT! You know what I want? A DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENT. Baby gUrl is getting in that mini van and she ain't looking back.

Sean gives Kacie B. the rose because she put herself out there (see: shame, embarrassment, wants to be next Bachelorette) again.

"I'm like, seriously?" -- Tierra


It's time for the one-on-one with Desiree (I have an overwhelming desire to call her "Destiny"). We learn that they are going to attend an art show (is that a thing?) and while there, Sean is going to play a little pranksy on ole Desitny. OMG. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. He is so silly!

Destiny is loving it. She doesn't catch on at all to the fact that a $1.5 million piece of art's description plaque is a folded over piece of white paper with absolutely NO DESCRIPTION.

Sean leaves Destiny alone with the art gallery lady/actress and it gets weird. But, it also gets brilliant.

I know I have a unique sense of humor, but this gUrl NAILED this scene. If she improv'd it, even more kudos. I lost it.

"It's his response to the Chernobyl disaster. Each of those glass pieces is gathered from a stained-glass window from a church near Chernobyl." -- Actress gUrl

I am 100-percent sure that there are people reading this who have no idea what Chernobyl is/was and thatz okay. I'm sure I only love this because my dad has worked a nuclear power plant for basically my entire life and at the beginning of every school year we'd get a little packet of information on what to do in case there was an emergency at the plant. Every year I'd bring the packet home and every year my dad would say, "Hell, it ain't going to matter. If something happens we'll all be dead and I'll be the first to go." Funny? Maybe not, but still. I used to love bringing that up to my homeroom teacher every year. "Lady, we ain't getting on a bus to Morrillton Middle School (SHOUT OUT: E. FLEE BELL), we headed to the Pearly Gates!" That never went over well either. Anyway. 

So. Destiny is alone in this room, wandering around, sitting down, drinking wine and the Chernobyl thing falls over. She gets a little weird and even weirder when the photographer and artist come back in. This prank could've gone better if the photographer and artist were as good at acting as the earlier gUrl was. The artist tries to cry and Sean feels bad, so he goes in to "save her." Honestly, BORING. Go back and read my story about nuclear disasters again, that's more entertaining.

Sean says, "since she took it so well, I'm going to take her back to my place." Like, if she took it horribly wrong he was going to leave her there to have a one-on-one tutorial about Chernobyl.

They head back to the BachPad and Sean launches into his whole family spiel for the MILLIONTH TIME. They are perfect, they are in love, they love him, HE LOVES HIS FAMILY.

Destiny is going toe-to-toe with him on family descriptions. SUDDENLY, IT'S A COMPETITION ABOUT WHO'S PARENTS LOVE EACH OTHER MORE.


Find me a bachelor who will come on here and say, "I GOT A FAMILY, BUT I'M LOOKING TO GET SOME." gUrls would still go for it. They go for everything. gUrls are so stupid.

"Love and marriage go hand-in-hand." -- Sean

"If you love someone, you think about the future." -- Destiny

These two are made for each other. Get 'em a Golden Retriever already.



"This is becoming more real." -- Catherine
Still on television. Call me when you have to combine your health insurance. 

Sean tells us up front that he thinks he knows who he is going to send home. I'd like to send myself home.

Sean is having incredible conversations left and right. He's confused. ALL OF THE gUrls HAVE THE QUALITIES. THE QUALITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"We all want the same kind of attention." -- Destiny
Daddy issues. 

At this point, we begin to focus our attention on Amanda. She's a tornado of negativity, but never says a word to anyone. I think she's pouting because she didn't have a chance to take a shower and wash her hair.

NOW, the producers really step up their game and get someone to mention something about "Sean's type." Robyn, a non-white gUrl, wants to make sure he's attracted to her.

I thought this was going to be much weirder than it was. Sean pretty much nailed it. I think I believe him. I also think he's had a few beers. But, really. I think I believe him. He was way too quick with his answer to be uncomfortable.

However. He went next level.

"I've dated everybody." -- Sean
Oh. Everybody? EVERYBODY? I hope ole boy has been tested. 

He also said his last gUrlfriend was black, but I thought he's only had like, one or two gUrlfriends in his whole entire life.

CURVEBALL. Selma is Arabic.

Sean calls Amanda into his arms and she really perks up. Eyes roll so far back into gUrls' heads you'd think they were seizin'.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is willing to ride a roller coaster to find his wife.
That's touching.

Amanda gets the final rose of the evening.

Ole gUrl and other ole gUrl didn't get roses.

"I'm ready to find love. I'm ready to make memories. I was excited about love, but love just wasn't here. It wasn't." -- ole gUrl
Nailed it. 

"You don't have a lot of free-time when you're a single mom..." -- other ole gUrl

Neither one of these gUrls cried. I can't believe it! It's a miracle!


It looks like we figure out next week if someone gets murdered or not murdered.
Pins and needles.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 1.

I'd like to dedicate this post to my dear friend and Bachelor super-fan, Miss Brenda Marr. She celebrated her birthday by watching two hours of this bullshit with her 26 closest "ladies." 

Brenda always gets a rose in my book. 

And. Here we are again.

After a 27-minute preview, where it's very unclear if someone is murdered or not murdered, we're promised the most exciting season of the Bachelor ever. Sean does some sprints in his BachPad side yard and has a FaceTime sesh with his sister, all shirtless, while doing a voice over explaining his "feelings feeling more real."

Sean talks and talks about his great life, but does so while sad (SAD ASS) music is playing. It makes it seem like him hanging out with his family and his niece and nephew is actually the life of one of those dogs on an ASPCA commercial. His life is almost identical to my life-- single, with friends and family to boot, and sometimes the 5th wheel at events. THE TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!! The pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, the pinnacle of this segment is Sean climbing up a rock while saying, "I want to love her... I want to be the best man I can be for her... I want to be that rock." The editing gods are going to be with us this season.

Ari shows up to the BachPad and they pour two cold domestics-- COLORADO KOOL-AID. Tap the rockies, dudes!!!!!! If that was honestly their beer of choice, kudos. But, also: WHY.

This whole segment was pretty silly (SOOOOOOO SILLY) and was Ari's gateway back into the spotlight. He did some coaching, they did some gigglin'.


Herrrrrrrrrre's Chrissy Poo. He starts off by wishing me (and a bunch of other white ladies, I'm guessing) a "Happy New Year, everybody!" What a lil' sweetie. His tie color is IDENTICAL to his suit. Right?

Desiree sells dresses.
Bonus! She draws dresses, too!

"Some people can live without love and be fine for their whole life, but I'm the opposite." -- Tierra
I think that that statement offends me.

Upon Tierra finding out the Bachelor is Sean, she screams, "HE IS FAMILY-ORIENTED!!!!!!" Like every man she's ever met has shunned families and declared himself NOT family-oriented. Who has she been trying to date?

We meet a one-armed graphic designer from LA. She seems sweet and I should note that none of my observations have anything to do with her lack of an arm.

Her goal for her most recent print campaign is to "stand out in culture." Oy vey. I don't think she's a real designer.

Ashley's still single, actively searching for a boyfriend and is STILL single. Could be because of her creepy obsession with "50 Shades of Grey." I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

Next up, we meet Lesley. She's from Arkansas and the fact that she states it straight out of the gate made my eyes well up with tears. If she does anything to embarrass me or my place of origin anymore than I've already been embarrassed by my football team this year I'll probably need to be institutionalized. Dramatic.

Kristy is a model and "it's just crazy." Mostly, her hair is crazy.

And here comes AshLee, the professional organizer. Listen, sad story, yes. Hate that she had to grow up like that. BUT, WHO IN THE HELL SPELLED HER NAME LIKE THAT? I DON'T THINK IT'S EVEN LEGAL.

This gUrl must be pretty driven because anyone who can take a compulsive disorder and turn it into a career is determined! Like, is there a way I could take my compulsive disorder to arrive everywhere minutes and minutes early (at the sake of many relationships) and get paid for it? Is that just a taxi driver? Or more of everyone's least favorite friend to travel with? Whatever. Call me LauRen.

It's finally limo arrival time!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee is the first one out and she says to Sean, "Don't be nervous,  you'll do great." Like, great at what? Standing there? Smiling?

Jackie puts a scary amount of red lipstick on Sean's cheek and Selma removes it quickly. I'm assuming Jackie discussed her plan in the limo and Selma mischievously stuffed that kleenex into her dress and thought, "BINGO!"

Kelly, the cruise ship entertainer, from Nashville, wrote Sean a song and she sang it to him. : (

Ashley asks Sean if he's read any good books lately. Sean says he has, but then never mentions any of the titles. So. I don't know if he's actually read any books or not. But, to be fair, I think he was really distracted by the sex toy/tie ole gUrl pulled out of her bosom.

Taryn is up next and she starts the onslaught of gUrls who forget to tell Sean their names. : (
I forget to tell people a lot of things when I first meet them.
My name is never one of them.


Poor precious Robyn, the oilfield account manager, desperate to escape the dregs of the engineering dating scene, pulls off the world's worst version of Gabby Douglas (other than if I tried this feat) and falls after her second back bend? Flip? Cartwheel? Double-axle? Sean looks mortified and giggles.

Paige was on Bachelor Pad 3. RUN, SEAN. RUN. Meeting someone who was on Bachelor Pad is like meeting someone who was born in a strip club on a poker table while drugs were being sold and they stayed as long as possible for the "great atmosphere." RUN.

Tierra arrives and I missed something. She gives him a really long hug and tells him about a heart tattoo on her finger before he leaves to get a rose. I went back and watched this scene thrice. Still, no idea what happened. He was just super into that tattoo that looked a lot like Jane Seymour's jewelry design she's always schlepping on ESPN during football games.

"She had this energy about her that was contagious and you can't really put your finger on why..." -- Sean, about Tierra, the gUrl with the tattoo on her FINGER
Oh, internetS, please tell me he just absolutely NAILED that joke and said it on purpose.

Tierra takes the rose and marches into the Lion's Den. Seriously. Book of Daniel up on my TV right now!

Amanda rolls in and has an awkward moment with Sean.

Keriann says she drove 2,775 miles to meet Sean. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Surely ABC pays for these people's flights?!

"Is this how you always imagined falling in love?" -- Sarah
"Really? This is how I always imagined it."

Lesley brings a football and says, "Blue 32!" over and over again.

The model arrives and her hair is CRAY. She delivers two very canned lines.

"Hi, Ken. I'm Barbie." -- Ashley H. 
Kill me.

Then, that gUrl shows up in a wedding dress and kisses Sean. How does this happen? Do you just go to David's Bridal on a Saturday and when they start asking a lot of questions about the wedding details you just lie or tell the truth and look like a total psycho? If you're catching what I'm throwing, she kind of seems psycho either way.

KACIE B. IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Poor thing. I just don't understand this gUrl.
She seems real sweet and nice and most importantly, like she grew up in a stable, loving home, BUT THIS? THIS? She ASKS to go on this show again?

I'm officially putting out an APB for all of this gUrl's friends. Like, step up! Stop her from doing this.

Desiree doesn't think it's "fair at all" that Kacie B. is back. Like, really? That's your argument? That it's not fair? WHAT IS LIFE? WHAT. IS. LIFE.

"As crazy as it sounds, I would love to find my wife in this group of ladies." -- Sean
YES, it sounds crazy. 
First off, yet another man who doesn't know the definition of the word "lady" and second, IT'S A TELEVISION SHOW. 

So. Kacie B. has a crush on Sean. That's why she uprooted her life again. For a crush.

Sean's just handing out roses left and right. Heads are rolling.

gUrls are getting roses and other gUrls keep repeating, "I have no idea what's going on." Like, WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHTS IN AMERICA.

The gUrls with the roses start dissecting why each of them got a rose. To say it's catty would be the understatement of the Millennium.

Finally, we learn that Sean is handing out roses to gUrls with "great energy."

"Honestly, I wish I was more sober." -- Lindsay, the idiot in the wedding dress
Too easy.

The party is dying inside.

Not skipping even half a beat, Ashley asks, "Do we need me to start dancing?"
In my opinion, anytime this question is asked, by anyone, the answer is ALWAYS (ALWAYS), "YES!"

Unfortunately, no one answered her and she still did it. Not a win.

Finally, she gets her moment with Sean. She pulls the tie from her dress and Sean says he brought a rape whistle with him. Not to be an ass, but I don't think dudes should make rape jokes. On any level. JUST SAYING!!!!!!

Then, poor ole gUrl fell down the stair. Not stairS. Stair. She fell down ONE stair.

TEARS. We got 'em.

I feel bad about Sarah's speech and her one arm. She says she strong and confident, but has convinced herself that she's still single because she lacks an arm. gUrl, COME. ON. I don't think she really believes that. I mean, she's pretty, she has great hair and make-up (as in, I have two arms and can't do my hair or make-up well), and she's not wearing a floor length dress like she's going to a junior high dance in South Dakota. She has long adjusted to her situation. I'm calling her SOUL SURFER from here on out.

I have no idea what it's like to live with a disability in any way. But, I am 29 and single and I could go on and on and on about "why I'm still single." I guarantee you I am not single for any of the reasons I think I am single. Just like this gUrl.

Also, her disability (even though she doesn't like to call it that) does not mean she gets to be spared from my commentary. I did not ask her to come on the show and be subject to my wrath. She volunteered.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sean is the most sincere bachelor we've ever had on this show." -- Chrissy Poo


Ole boy has already handed out 12 roses.

"Twelve of you have roses, nothing to worry about." -- Chrissy Poo
Too bad you other bitches have to endure the tragedy that is this rose ceremony!
That Chris is a real sweetheart at times. 

Kacie B. gets a rose. Sigh of relief.

The look of terror on these gUrls' faces when, "Ladies, this is the final rose," is announced is insane.
I felt like I was watching a bunch of third graders listen to a lecture on IRS tax codes.

The final rose is handed out. And with with it: HEARTACHE.

Paige is really sad. She's failed miserably at the Bachelor Pad and now at this.

"This is the most embarrassing thing ever." -- Kelly
WRITE A BOOK, gUrl. Write a book.

"It's been years since I've been in love. I miss it." -- Ashley H. 

Then she said, "devastation."
We need to get these gUrls a dictionary!

Admittedly, I didn't watch the previews for the rest of the season.

It's just all so sad.
So sad.

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