Friday, November 30, 2012

crimmas gift guide.

Hey, holiday shoppers! If you are reading this it means you survived Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Congratulations, I'm sure you're family is going to want you around that tree in a few weeks. Especially if you're bringing gifts and especially if you're bringing some of these great items I've picked out for you and yours!

Build Your Own KFC
For: The KFC Lover

Why: Because, typically you can only keep KFC one of two places: an actual KFC or your heart. Well, fret no more! You can now build a KFC in your own home to enjoy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

Boot Dazzles
For: The Fashionable Boot Lover

Why: Because, sometimes you buy a pair of boots and then, you think, "My boots are boring!" Not anymore! Not if you buy that someone special some boot dazzles! Dress 'em up, dress 'em down!

Foxy Sleeping T
For: The Foxiest Lady You Know

Why: Because, women always to feel foxy and want to know that you think they are foxy. What says just that better than this foxy sleeping T? Your lady is sure to look foxy as all-get-out donning it.

The Long Reach
For: The Laziest Person You Know

Why: Because, everybody poops. It's true! I had a book about it.
But, why? Because,  some people are lazy. And now, those lazy people can be even more lazy with this toilet paper reacher! You reach, you wipe, you win!

Squirrel Wall Mount
For: Everyone

Why: Because, traditional, functional decor never goes out of style and that's exactly what this is. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


And here we are again!

I woke up this morning feeling mostly the same as I felt yesterday. Meaning, regular. Just regular.

Save one thing-- there are a lot more people/things going to Hell today than yesterday.

According to my Facebook and Twitter feeds these people/things are headed straight there: the state of Florida (I'm guessing most of Miami-Dade County), the state of Ohio, the entire country, Barack Obama, the newly-elected lesbian Senator from Wisconsin (that's a hefty title to carry around-- even in Hell!), anyone who lives in Florida and voted for Gary Johnson and of course, everyone in Maryland who voted FOR same-sex marriage AND FOR extending in-state tuition to undocumented students (no word on Hell for those who only voted for the tuition measure).

(Some people would argue that Ohio is already its own version of Hell, so there's that and growing up gay in Wisconsin was probably difficult, so there's that, too.)

You know what's interesting? Even if we sent the entire state of Ohio to Hell, Mitt Romney would still not be President. Ain't that a swift kick in the pants? (I am of course referring to Ohio's 18 electoral votes and taking them away.)


I'm all for passion. I'm for people being interested in their government. But, it seems as though America's greatest qualities are also becoming America's greatest downfalls. Those being our freedoms to speech and religion and everything else that falls under those categories.

These Facebook and Twitter statuses are some of the most absurd things I've ever read. And, people, I've read the entire internetS three times in my life! So, I've read a lot of stuff.

The worst ones are the people who post Bible verses and then say, "AMERICA IS RUINED!" Reminds me of the time Jesus saw those people selling shit in the temple and he got really angry and spewed hate. Oh, wait. No, that didn't happen. He drove out the people selling stuff, healed some people, hung out with some kids and then left.

A lot of people are convinced that this great nation of ours was founded on Christian principles and values. That's not entirely true or false. Take Thomas Jefferson for example: the guy was a diest. He wrote his own version of the Bible. He liked Jesus and believed in some version of the God I believe in, but he sure wasn't an Evangelical. He wouldn't even be electable today because people are so fanatical.

Some of these statuses remind me of that gaggle of people that got on a boat and sailed across the Atlantic to escape religious persecution. And you know what they did not long after their arrival here? They started persecuting others for their different (or seemingly different) religious views. It was called the Salem Witch Trials, look it up.

Listen, (listen, listen,) I love the Lord. I'm not ashamed or scared to write that (SHOUT OUT! First Amendment!), but I am ashamed to be associated with people claiming to love the Lord in one moment and then spew hate in the next. Barack Obama is not the anti-Christ. He's a guy with a weak record and strong rhetoric. (Can we take a moment to examine Jimmy Carter? Talk about a great man who loved the Lord! And what a terribly shitty President he was, too!) (Also, if you look up Mormonism, most Christians don't really agree with it, kind of the same way they don't agree with Islam.)

Grace came down, people! Use it, give it out freely! Love somebody!

My other favorite statuses are the people who are moving to another country to get away from this "ruined" America. Mostly, I've seen Canada and England. Oops! Fact check: they've got that healthcare system you've been berating for 2 years.


America, this country is not ruined. It's just not.
I believe that with my whole heart.

All that to say: just calm the hell down. Go to Target, buy some American-made products, drive a car built in Detroit, drink a PBR, vacay in Gulf Shores, volunteer somewhere, give some of your money away, support a public school in your town, play some baseball and eat a piece of apple pie. Then, educate yourself on some policies you are passionate about and work for them and not against something else.

Also, just calm the hell down.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

every 4 years.

America, America.
Land of the Free, 
Home of the Raging Idiot with a Computer. 

That's a little poem I just made up for today.

I love this country and I love that I can, on some level, pick the people who represent me in our beloved government.

Twenty years ago my mom sent me to school with a button on that said, "I'm voting for Cousin Bill" for the better part of a week leading up to the 1992 election. I was in 3rd grade, but no one yelled at me, no one told me how wrong or terrible I was-- it was just a button expressing my (or my mom's support) of (cousin) Bill Clinton.

America is regressing.
If I wore a button like that today I wouldn't make it out of my apartment building before someone stopped me to tell me how wrong I am. When did we get to this? When did everything become a political statement? When did we stop being Americans and start being FOR this and AGAINST that?

I'm at my wit's end with this one, gang.

Barack Obama is not perfect. Hell, he's not even great. But, the man believes in something, he's trying. Yeah, I haven't heard him mention the budget this entire campaign, but if he wins tonight, you're all going to wake up in the morning. Text me if you don't.

Mitt Romney is not going to save this country. Maybe he has some decent ideas for the economy, but if he wins tonight, you aren't going to wake up in the morning with a rainbow up your butt. Text me if you do.

I'm just saying: think about the part you play in all of this. Do you engage in thoughtful conversation with others or do you tell everyone who disagrees with you that they are going to Hell?

Would you yell at a 3rd grader wearing a Bill Clinton button or would you ask her why she believed in him?

One time, I voted for John Kerry. It was more of a vote against George W. Bush than it was a vote for Kerry, but nonetheless he got my vote. Upon people hearing this their face gets distorted, they shriek and then they launch into some tirade about how great GW was/is. I'm also pretty sure some people tried to tell me I wasn't a Christian anymore because I voted for him. It made me sad and embarrassed.

We can be better, America!
Quit acting all crazy and shit.

** Full disclosure: it's a secret ballot for a reason, but I haven't voted along party lines since my first time to vote and I did I not vote for Obama in 2008. I did vote for Hillary Clinton in the primary though, then I got baptized-- don't worry.

Share This