Monday, January 31, 2011


Just a heads up-- I'm currently traveling for work (not for pleasure) and if all goes according to plan, I'll have my thoughts up on the most dramatic episode ever by Wednesday.

This is not a binding contract.
As if anyone cares.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

not a rebuttal.

There are few things in the world that excite and intrigue me like the way the government of this great Union works (see how I did that?). Last night was President Obama's State of the Union Address and where this is not a rebuttal on any level, I still feel like it's my civic duty to inform you, oh great readers of the internetS, my thoughts and feelings about said address.

I think my thoughts can be best expressed in bullet form.

  • SEATING. What is this a high school lunchroom? People are talking about where people were sitting like Regina George (this is a "Mean Girls" reference) invited them to her table for lunch. I have a feeling it just made things awkward for people. I mean, come on...John McCain and John Kerry sitting next to each other? That was politics at its finest, not government working together at its finest. I wonder where the Tea Partiers sat...maybe they had their own section like the band jocks or something.
  • GABRIELLE GIFFORDS' EMPTY SEAT. The second Obama mentioned the empty seat in her honor the camera went directly to it where the dude sitting directly to its left immediately picked up his belongings from the seat. Dude, you were the only guy in the place with an empty seat next you. It was there for semblance, not to hold your shit.
  • "The future is ours to win." Apparently, all it takes to "win" the future is controlling the deficit and reforming government. Looks like the future is ours to lose now! What a dumb statement anyway. What does it even mean? Will we be taxed for our winnings, if we do in fact, "win?"
  • Google and Facebook (SHOUT OUT). It's no secret that I think the internetS is the greatest invention EVER. But, really, POTUS, this line, "...the nation of Edison and the Wright brothers; of Google and Facebook. In America, innovation doesn’t just change our lives. It is how we make our living." We are really going to compare Facebook to Edison? I'm rolling over in my grave and I'm not even dead.
  • Pipe Dreams. Apparently, college kids in California are developing a way to turn sunlight and water into fuel for cars. Listen, I get it...we need to find an alternative to oil, but...sunlight and water? I want my car to like, drive faster than I can walk.
  • Education. I'm a fan of social reform through education. Call me a Democrat, I don't care. The education system in this country sucks on almost every level. It's incredible that we have an education system that is free and available, but it needs some work. So, we're doing away with "No Child Left Behind" and implementing "The Race to the Top." I have a feeling lots of children are going to be "left behind" during this "race" to the top. Top of what?!
  • High Speed Rail. Great.
  • Spending Freeze. Right.
  • Jokies. Obama's team must not be very funny because the jokies he had in the speech fell awkwardly flat. People only laughed because the boss told the joke.
  • Joe Biden. Loved the fist pump, hated his constant smirk. Someone who smirks that much has to be mostly clueless.
  • Fashion. Obama and Biden both rocked the somewhat purple tie. Which begs the question: Royalty or bi-partisan? I want to go with bi-partisan. After all, if you mix red and blue you get purple! I learned that at Girls State 2001 (SHOUT OUT).
  • "We do big things." Damn straight! This is America! We've been doing it big since 1776! It's about time we took that on as our motto. "E pluribus unum" is great and all, but doesn't really speak to the hearts of Americans. If Congress wants to really make a statement they should start with putting "We do big things (since 1776)" on the seal.
  • Republican Rebuttal. Who was that guy? Was that the very best the Republican Party could do? Apparently, he's the chairman of the House budget committee. But, I have a feeling he was partially chosen because he's young and not ugly. Something a lot of Republicans don't have going for them. Can you say: broadening the party base? If I thought Obama was vague in his speech, then I don't even have a word for Ryan's rebuttal.
For the most part, I thought the speech was pretty decent. I mean, he didn't really tell me any actual plans that he has other than promising to "look at things" with the help of the Republicans. I hope he does look at medical malpractice and simplifying the tax code. And he if follows through even once on his promise to veto any bill that comes across his desk full of "pork," I'll personally write him a letter of gratitude.

I love America.
A lot.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

the bachelor:epi 3.

Emotions are running high already. The preview alone made me terrified to go to sleep.

CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) woke up with a black eye. I had a black eye once. Someone elbowed me in a basketball game. People don't just wake up with black eyes. Something has to happen. Now, I'm not a doctor, so don't quote me on that.

In walks Chris Harrison. Nice cardigan.

Chantal gets the one-on-one date. Bach Brad walks in, looks at CAM and says, "What DID happen to you?" Yeah. Exactly. Brad doesn't even believe her story about the black eye.

"I wish I was the one that gave Michelle her black eye." -- Babysitter Ashley
That could probably be the name of a Facebook group.

Chantal thinks she's the luckiest gUrl in the world and I think if she played the lottery she'd lose. Bad. What's lucky about this? He's a 38-year-old with commitment problems and an attachment to his therapist.

Bach Brad wants to take Chantal to the bottom of the ocean floor. Not a great date idea if you're trying to talk to someone. Am I right?! Am. I. Right? Chantal thinks she's not going to come back up and that wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen. I mean, not to me anyway. This show would be face some serious lawsuits.

CAM doesn't want to be on the group date for soooooooooo many reasons.

"I just have to trust. I just have to follow my heart." --Chantal
Coffee mug that shit. She's so profound. Why hasn't anybody just trusted and followed their heart before?

Brad and Chantal do something dangerously close to the nasty and Chantal says this happens because she "wants him to fall in love with me." Well, baby gUrl, there are other ways to get men to fall in love with you. Chantal gets the rose.

Michelle is crying and the Babysitter is doing her damnedest to treat her like a normal, functioning adult woman...on a reality dating show sitting on a wicker love seat.

All the "ladies" cram into a stretch limo. It's a Hummer, so I'd take a very educated guess and say it gets two miles to the gallon. Exactly.

They head over to "The Love Line" and everyone is "really happy." The gUrls are really happy to get to talk to Dr. Drew and I'm guessing some of these gUrls could have a future on "Celebrity Rehab" so, it's good for them to get acquainted. Brad has been through therapy. Wait. What?! Brad's been in therapy? OMG, Brad, I get it. You were broken, your therapist fixed you. You learned how to open up.

CAM and Emily are sitting around talking and you can tell that Emily is terrified. Like, there is serious fear in her eyes.

After cocktail hour the gUrls head into the studio. Of course, there are cocktails! Of course.

"This is VERY serious to me." --Brad
The radio show or the reality show you're on? Oh, wait...this is your REAL life. I keep forgetting.

"I want to form a very true connection...I want someone I can be myself around." --Brad
Oh, Brad, cut the bullshit. Who doesn't want that? Like, I'm sitting around going, "I want someone who kind of sucks and doesn't really understand me. I hope I'm always uncomfortable around him, too." Please.

Brad thinks taking the women to Dr. Drew was the best idea he's ever had. I'd like to debate that, because I don't believe it was his idea. And if it really was his idea-- WTF. Brad goes on for like, 12 hours about how the women are opening up to him and how he can't believe that all the "ladies" are sharing things with him. Well, Brad, you missed cocktail hour, therefore you are equating them opening up to this quasi-therapy session over the radio rather than the booze. It's always the booze. Always the booze.

Hot tub time (machine)!

The Dentist is erupting and Brad is wearing a sweatshirt while all the gUrls have bikins on. Because that's normal. Alli literally just sat down with Brad and the Babysitter came over singing "Kiss from a Rose" at the top of her lungs. Just kidding. But, she did come over and Alli wouldn't give her a hug. Where I'm from we call that: the cold shoulder.

CAM gets the one-on-one and she tells everyone to pack their bags. Again. .Chantal is digging at CAM by analyzing the words of the notecard. Good one, Chantal. Good one. Obviously it means nothing. But, I see how she did that.

The Dentist has been gettin' her drAnk on and that other gUrl has a cinnamon stick in her hair while sitting in the hot tub. The Dentist jumps out of the hot tub and interrupts Brad's own version of seven minutes in Heaven with Britt. Side note: glad he finally kissed that Britt gUrl because I couldn't remember her name.

Brad does a great job of trying to calm the Dentist down, but she's drunk and he's a "little bit frustrated." I think she tries to ask him if they can take a break, but she's forgetting that this a reality television show. You can't take a break.

"No chance in hell I'm going to give up on Ashley. No chance in hell." --Brad
If you say it twice does it make you believe it?

The giving of the rose gets a little awkward when the Dentist is making noises like a cow in labor and puts Brad "on the spot." Dude, Brad, you have to be on the spot every week. That's the deal with this show. Britt gets the rose.

The Dentist tells the gUrls she's emotionally unstable and I'm having a hard time disagreeing with her. Like, gUrl, lock it up. Brad comes over and despite CAM's distain Brad had to talk to the Dentist.

"We're going to lose something that could be really cool." --Brad
I know, right?! I lose stuff all the time.

I think CAM has convinced herself that she and Brad are an actual couple. Now the gUrls are confronting CAM and she gets crazy cat eyes. Chantal is doing most of the talking and the other gUrls are looking like gargoyles. Silence. Stone cold silence. CAM's outfit is pretty special. Usually, people wear stuff like UNDER their clothes. But, she's going with it as the actual outfit.

"I'm so excited to show you where I live." --Brad
What? You going to get out some photos? YOU DON'T LIVE IN THAT HOUSE.

So, a helicopter comes to pick up CAM and Brad and OMG, I've never seen this on this show before! So full of surprises, ABC!

CAM is a little terrified about the whole repelling off a tall building thing. I can see that...this isn't "Fear Factor," this is a dating show.

"This is definitely a leap of faith for love." --CAM
But, you aren't jumping, idiot.

CAM says so much stupid shit during these few minutes that I lost track. Something about love and being closer than ever and some bullshit about some other bullshit. Brad thinks it's a bonding experience and for those keeping a record, bonding is equivalent to connecting.

"You're a mature woman." --Brad
That made me LOL. Seriously.

CAM and Brad discuss CAM's daughter. He wants to meet her and she doesn't think that's forward of him. Personally, I think it's a little forward for the simple fact that they are still very much on a television show and like, 12 other gUrls are still around.

CAM gets the rose. They make out. I throw up.

"For me, I just have to stay focused to get through this." --CAM
Junior high basketball.

"Super aggressive, kind of weird, but whatever." -- Brown-haired gUrl that looks like the other gUrls to Chantal, about CAM

The therapist is back. Obviously. This son of a bitch Brad is just as crazy as these gUrls. If you are that attached to therapy I don't think you're ready to move on that much. Seriously...people should go to therapy to get help and then GET OUT. That's my educated opinion because I've been (SHOUT OUT).

Cocktail party!

Bach Brad is wearing pastels. Again. Surprise, surprise.

Shawntel is really nervous and then she mumbled something about getting to know each other "more." I wish these gUrls would use actual words and actual sentences when they speak to this guy. It would help me follow what's happening more.

Meghan gives a speech about walls and Brad tells her to let loose. But, she makes some really great points about the fact that THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE and gUrls are hysterically crying over nothing.

Bach Brad takes Barbie on a second mini-date and the other gUrls got an "ego check." Chantal was not prepared for that. I counted how many times she said "prepared" during that interview and it was 37. CAM says she isn't upset about this, but I don't believe her. Brad is recreating the vineyard date because he wants to check on the "connection." The other gUrls continue to sit around and talk about Barbie and Brad and not feeling special. No, trust me gUrls, you are each very, very special. Chantal starts crying.

"It is stupid!" --Chantal
She also said she felt cheap. And, I'd like to take this time to remind Chantal that she's on a television show making out with a dude in front of millions. Do you still feel cheap?

Rose ceremony (probably the most dramatic ever)!

Chris Harrison comes out and tells us how different Brad is this time around. Wait! He's done this before? I feel so cheated. AND CHEAP!

The Dentist gets the rose! The Dentist gets the rose! The Dentist gets the rose! Cue horror music! Cue angels singing! Cue children crying in the streets!

Meghan didn't get a rose and I'm guessing it's because her walls are up.

"Clearly, I probably have some of my own issues." --Meghan
Yes...but, actually, Meghan, you proved to be mostly stable.

The teacher from the Metroplex got kicked off and she cries and then says, "I think my dad is going to be so proud of me for being the daughter that he and my mom both raised me to be." That's an interesting statement because it makes me wonder what she said "no" to to come up with that theory, but then I also like it because there are not very many gUrls who can walk off of that show and say, "My parents are proud of me." And when I say, "not very many," I, two gUrls in the history of the show could walk off set and say that.

Next week looks like a barrel of fun as the whole crew heads to Vegas. I bet there is going to be some drama, some tears and if we're really lucky a guest appearance from Donny and Marie.

Friday, January 21, 2011


In the last couple of weeks I've had several conversations with several different people about dating. The awkwardness of it, the hard parts, the fun parts, etc; etc; One conversation sticks out more than any of the others though...well, that's not true. Two conversations really stick out. The first one sticks out because I experienced some minor, yet extremely inappropriate sexual harassment and the second because it made me think.

During this one particular conversation, and really many others, I have been told that I'm not doing enough to "put myself out there" and that I have to "be available." I always assumed being ready and willing was available enough, but apparently it's not. So, I've been trying to figure out what this means exactly and how I can do it, short of flat out telling a man, "Yes, I would love to have your children," OR "What song do you want for our first dance?" Apparently, that's too forward. There has to be a fine-line, a happy medium. Right?

This is the beginning of my feeble attempt to "be more available."

Dear single males between the ages of 25 and 32 that might be reading this or friends of single males between the ages of 25 and 32,

Hi. I'm available and this is what I'm looking for:

A male with a job and health insurance, preferably one with reliable transportation, but I understand cars are tricky, so I'll settle (for the time being) on just transportation of some sort. This includes but is not limited to: a compact car, an SUV, a luxury sedan, a car that looks like a mini-van but isn't, a truck that doesn't have huge wheels and maybe a boat.

To be honest, I'd prefer that you have a college degree from an SEC school or obviously, any Ivy League school or Stanford would work as well. I would be willing to negotiate if you happened to attend a small, private university. The negotiation being that you pledge allegiance to the University of Arkansas and adopt the Razorbacks as your team of choice.

It would work out well for both of us if you make a lot of money because I only make enough to support myself and maybe in the future, a small dog as well. I'm fine with continuing to work after marriage as long as we don't have to work at the same company and be around each other all day.

Your personal style matters very little to me as long as you're not completely incompetent and as long as you don't wear anything Ed Hardy or Ed Hardy like, anything sleeveless, anything that looks like something a teenage gUrl might wear or anything you can buy in a gas station. We would probably get along nicely if you preferred Polo shirts and fleece vests to track suits and Jncos.

I could care less if you have hair or don't have hair, but if you have curly hair that could be called an "afro" I will be less likely to want to go out in public with you.

It's an absolute must that you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that you know what I mean when I do something and follow up said action with the phrase, "I grew up Methodist."

There are a few other things to consider. The majority of these things won't make or break us, but in all likelihood your ability to take them on as I do would only find us at an altar that much faster: a deep love for any and all trashy reality television, the ability to speak about politics (you absolutely do not have to agree with me on politics), a desire to learn, the acknowledgement that Google is one of God's greatest gifts to man, smiling (unforced) in photos, the agreement that happy hour is necessary and good, a love of fried foods and arriving everywhere on time every time.

Well, anyway, that's about it. I'm available and am only crazy about steak, not putting food down the disposal, schedules and hair products.

Call me,

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the bachelor:epi 3.

In walks Chris Harrison. Nice shirt. Chris warns us of the emotions we're all about to experience. You know, thank the good Lord for Chris Harrison and his guidance. He leaves the first date card with Babysitter Ashley.

So, Bach Brad comes over and says some super lame stuff. Example: "Is it a pool day?" Well, dude, they ARE all in the pool.

We're reintroduced to Crazy Ass Michelle (CAM).

"I'm not going to lie: I hate them." --CAM
Funny. I do too, but not as much as I hate you.

Bach Brad and the Babysitter head into the recording studio and sing to some...drumroll...SEAL. Yes, that Seal, not the animal. She says at one point, "My dad would be so jealous right now." Weirdsies. My dad wouldn't blink twice. I bet my dad's never even heard the painfully torturous, yet decent, "Kiss From a Rose." I wasn't sure how much I hated that song, or rather, how OVER that song I was until those two idiots started singing it. My word. I've never heard anything worse. It wasn't even funny. It was scary and sad. It was not "pleasure and pain." Zing!

Then, of course, Seal is obviously recording in the studio next door...because that's normal. Side note and FUN FACT: The song was originally recorded in 1992.

The Babysitter and the Bach go to dinner and the Babysitter really spills the beans. I have to be honest, it's a sad story. She's young. I'd be devastated to lose my father the way she did. Difference maker? I'd never go on this television show and talk about it. Another difference maker? My father loves me a great deal and we've never sang "Kiss From a Rose" at the top of our lungs together, to each other or even separately. Something is off.

Date card arrives and CAM announces to all of us just how pissed off she's going to be if she doesn't get a one-on-one date. Does anyone else feel like she talks in syllables?

The Babysitter gets the rose. Side note: All of these gUrls make the Bach "feel like himself." Which, throws me off, because, well. I don't know. Then, they dance and we are blessed by the vocal chords of Seal for the umpteenth time in 13 minutes. Thank you, Seal, for this gift.

All the "ladies" load up in a sketchy van and some of them are dressed like hookers at the gym. CAM says she doesn't like it. Newsflash: you've seen the show before. Get a grip.

"I'm an active guy...I love to get dirty. I want a wife that does the exact same thing." --Bach
Really? The EXACT same thing? I think that's weird.

Bach Brad shows us his acting skills again and we learn Brad and the gUrls are going to be filming an action-adventure movie. The only real problem with this is that there's very little action and even less adventure.

Alli really shows us what she's working with in that crop-top and mother's everywhere cried a little.

CAM starts to get really asinine when she proclaims, "I wish some of these people would kidnap these other girls, put a bag over their head and take them into the desert." Ok, come on. That's serious. And she wasn't even that great of an action-adventure actress.

The Babysitter and her play-pals are sitting around the living room in their bikinis (because that's normal) and we learn that BarbieEmily gets the one-on-one date. She shares with the other gUrls that she's scared to tell Bach Brad everything because after she does, "he might run for the hills." I had NO idea people still talked like that.

Back to the "movie." It's torture. I'd rather be listening to Seal on repeat again.

Of course there's a kissing scene and of course, CAM is upset. She even calls it "offensive" at one point.

Pool party!

Brad being the lil' cray-z that he is, jumped in fully-clothed! No, you didn't, boy!

The junior high basketball coaches came back.

"I really need to step it up." --Chantal O (as if there's another Chantal)

Chantal and Bach Brad have a moment and it's sweet and it's a tough subject, but...

BarbieEmily really steps up her game and tells all the gUrls back at the house her supersupersupersuper sad story. Tears are flowing, people are drinking and that gUrl, Madison, still has fangs.

Alli wants to be more aggressive and gives herself a half-time pep talk of sorts and right in the middle of her one-on-one time, CAM lurks in and just stands there staring at Alli and Bach Brad. Whoa, creepy. Calm the shit down. Lock. it. up. gUrl. Alli called her an evil bitch and I think she hit the nail on the head on that one.

CAM tells Brad about her daughter and immediately, I start praying for that poor, poor gUrl somewhere in Utah who has a mother in CAM. Then, the most awkward kiss ever happens.

"All you ladies need to pack your bags...he is mine. HE'S MINE." --CAM

"There are a few women that deserve the rose, I wish I had plenty of roses to give every single one. I just don't." --Bach Brad
Dear Brad, that's the premise of the show: you have to pick.

ABC took us for a ride on that one! Tricky editing, people! Shawntel gets the rose!

"I'm on a journey to hopefully fall in love." --Shawntel
Google maps.

"She's an itsy-bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa." --Megan, about Emily

Oh, ABC producers, you are a sorry group of bastards, aren't you? You know Emily's fiance and friends died in a plane crash. You know it was a private plane. And this is how you repay her? Sons of bitches. And poor Bach Brad, he's all giddy thinking Emily's never been on a private plane and shit. Come on.

The date is pretty awkward for a while. Emily's tough. She has her reasons, but then again, just get it together, gUrl, tell him or don't. Go on the "journey" or don't. No one forced you here. Well, to my knowledge no one forced you.

The Babysitter and the Vampire are chatting and we then learn a lot about the Vampire. She isn't a vampire at all! She actually seems cool and not like a dip-shit at all. Which leads me to believe she might be really, really funny and is just being a riot with those fake fangs and all.

Bach Brad and Barbie head into the barn and the elephant in the room takes a giant shit and Emily spills the beans. Brad seems to keep forgetting that he's about 14 years older than most of these gUrls and therefore, it's not that weird for a 24-year-old to have only been in love once.

Brad responds well. Clearly, the therapy has helped. But, boy has this dude gotten some crap thrown at him this entire epi.

Emily gets the rose.

Brad's therapist visits him and well, I have no comments to share on that matter.

Cocktail party time!

The Dentist is suffering from what Chris Harrison calls the "first date curse." She feels left out and forgotten about. And, in a matter of four minutes we heard the word "connection" about 19 times from 12 different people.

CAM interrupts Brad and show us some side boob and we learn about how bothered she is by Brad talking to, thinking about and looking at other gUrls. Seriously, gUrl, have you ever seen this show before? Ever? Once?

Brad let Chantal down and wants to give something back to her. It was coming from the heart when he said that.

All the "ladies" have figured out CAM's M.O. and then CAM tells Brad they are in a fight. I'm in a fight with her. I hope she ends up in a desert somewhere. Like, seriously. Brad is extremely confused and shares with us that he likes CAM. The Vampire, however, is having some issues. So, she takes her side boob and shares her feelings with Bach Brad. So much side boob.

The fangs come out (it's kind of like letting her hair down, I guess) and Madison doesn't feel good about being there. She's not necessarily there for the wrong reasons, but she sees that other "ladies" are risking a lot more than she is...or something. Anyway. She left and Brad doesn't really get it. But, that's not surprising. I think I've figured out he's not all that smart. Call me crazy.

The real fun begins and in a shocking twist, CAM gets the first rose. WTF, Bach? If you end up with her, your "very expensive" therapy is only going to get more costly and you're going to have to go on a daily basis rather than weekly.

He picks mostly brunettes and also two gUrls that I don't think even actually stay in that house because they weren't on the screen for longer than 30 seconds the whole epi.

"I have no regrets...there just wasn't that connection...F you, Brad." --Blonde gUrl, clearly she's not bitter.

So, we learned a lot this episode. Mostly, we learned that these gUrls have. some. baggage. I have baggage, we all have baggage. But, it's not the baggage that defines you, it's how you react to the baggage and where you choose to share your baggage.

Next week looks promising. If that word can even be uttered about this show that, to me, most episodes, is equivalent to water-boarding.

Friday, January 14, 2011

identity crisis.

Well, shit.

My whole world has shifted (literally and figuratively) with the changing of my astrological sign. How do I even begin to define myself now? Two days ago I went to bed as a fully-functioning Libra and now, now I'm a Virgo.

When I closed my eyes two days ago I was one who knew "how to cool down, and how to relax and just let things go." I had time "for the petty things like dressing up and making coffee." I mean, I was a Libra-- I had time to take "pleasure in the small things." I was a romantic and always looking for a committed relationship. I was charming and well-demeanored. I was "soft" by nature and always self-sacrificing. But,, I'm busy and always "take up the most responsibility or the toughest job." I'm not well organized and there's just never enough time. However, I'm versatile and have a great number of talents. PLUS, I have "remarkable and excellent judging and critical capability." Now, I'm so critical that I'm not romantic and I worry a lot and that attitude is "not that great for relationships."

Can you see why my mind is racing? WHO THE HELL AM I? Where I was once soft and romantic, now I'm just worrying all the time and judging the hell out of everything. Two days ago I had time to dress up and make coffee and now there's just NO TIME FOR ANYTHING.

I used to be sociable and now I'm shy! One day I'm "somewhat intellectual" and now I'm "simply a perfectionist." There's no escaping it.

I just feel so lost and hopeless.
I know I can't be the only one out there feeling like everything they once knew about their inner-most being has been taken away.

I just wish I had more time to figure it out, but I don't even have time to dress-up anymore.

Um. J/K.
Astrological signs are a friggin' joke.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

the bachelor: epi 2.

Let me preface this whole post by stating that I'm completely shocked my head has not exploded yet. There are too many quotes to publish, but I'm trying.

So, Bach Brad's looking over a cliff and holding a football. What an American! He tells us he's changed and on the verge of, what has to be tears, he tells us he thinks he's going to find his wife. That's one lucky "lady!"

Enter Chris Harrison. Nice shirt. He explains the "rules" to the "ladies." Like, we know the rules. Dentist Ashley gets the first day and says, "It's an honor." An honor? Look up the definition to that word and try again. Other Ashley is upset. For good reason. Someone's going on a wild ride and it's not her. You'd be upset, too.

Bach Brad shows his face. He claims to have planned an amazing night for Oral Ashley (and, we won't be using that nickname again). I can't help but wonder all the things I've wondered for years: did Bach Brad really plan this date? Did he set up the carnival himself? Etc; etc;

The switch is flipped and instead of a dentist and a man who's been through therapy we're left with two manic third graders laughing and "living in the moment." The cackles these two let out from their bodies were almost terrifying.

"It's been a lot of years since I've met a girl right off the bat and felt comfortable enough to just. be. me." -- Bach Brad
Uh-oh! Zing! Brad, this is the just the first date. I think you've learned too much in therapy.

The other gUrlies are sitting in the living room (in their bikinis, because that's normal) waiting on the date card. Why don't they just send a Facebook invite? So much more efficient. OMG. 15 gUrls and Bach Brad on one date? Michelle is super sad because it's her birthday and she guarantees us that she WILL go crazy. What a tease! And. These people have seen the show, right? Like, they know there will be group dates? No? I thought everyone knew that. I'm so naive.

You can get white wine at a carnival? Clearly, I go to the wrong carnivals.

"I like this girl. I like this girl a lot." --Bach Brad, enter cheesy music and let the kissing begin
"I never thought I would fall so quickly for somebody. This is all so new to me." --Dentist
Like, y'all. Get a grip. It's like they're at a junior high lock-in and they have to cram in everything possible. Including: bold declarations, ridiculousness and kissing.

So, they do all this kissing and then Bach Brad says, "So...tell me about you." Zing! Someone is getting ahead of himself. Oh no, here come the tears. Her dad is homeless-- his dad is homeless, or something like being homeless. Soulfreakingmates. That piano soundtrack is incredible. I do like that he clearly has no emotional attachments to his father by repeatedly calling him, "that guy." Or maybe he hasn't dealt with that in therapy? Bach Brad has already let down his walls and he's lighter, happier and can breathe. New fad diet? The Dentist gets the rose.

Back at the casa, Michelle is turning 30 and she "just wants him to notice me." Honey, you have on earrings the size of a small Kia. If he doesn't notice you, he's either blind or dead.

We move the birthday party to the limo and talk to Melissa, who, let's be a little bit honest here, needs to get her roots done. Melissa is nervous, but she says, "I'm gonna bring it. I always bring it." Is she playing softball or going on a date? Alli is super pumped for the date and promises to "step it up." It's like all these "ladies" called their junior high basketball coaches for advice.

Oh, great. What a shitty date. Not only are there 15 gUrls on the date, but you have to give blood? Oh, false alarm. Just filming commercials encouraging others to give blood, because obviously that's what you do on dates.

The gUrlies are getting ready for their commercial shoots and each and every one of them is leading me to believe that they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like I'm missing something, but I'm not. This is their real life.

Ok, Michelle, get a damn grip. I can't be certain, but this could be our CRAY-ZO.

These commercials are really stupid and I tried to pay attention, but I blacked out for a second.

Britt, the food writer, is "a big ole prude," maybe only the third or fourth in Bachelor history. She has to kiss Bach Brad and another gUrl. Eww. Gross. Nothing would make me want to donate blood less.

Michelle marched off set and her plan worked! Bach Brad came out to talk to her and they held hands and looked in each other's eyes and promised each other to "continue on the path" and of course, "pursue the connection." Honestly, if someone said that to me on a date, I would wonder if they were talking about wi-fi or something.

We can continue on to the "after party" but, I keep thinking, after what? MelissaTheGamer is getting PSYCHED. Like, pumped. Like, WWF pumped. However, I don't really think she brought it.

Uh-oh! Party foul, "all the ladies are trying to get up on my man." --Michelle

Now she's talking about connecting again and breaking down walls and dissecting and layers. So, I don't know if she's trying to get on the internetS or build a fort or sit through a science class. Maybe her necklace is weighing her down. I bet she's light-headed.

All the lame-gUrls are sitting around waiting on the date box and we learn that Jack-ee is getting the next one-on-one date. I was shocked, because I don't think I've seen Jack-ee before. I looked up expecting to see the '80s stand-up comedian.

Bach Brad takes a dip and then grabs the rose. He gives a really incredible speech. Minus the incredible part, because there was nothing incredible about it. He gives the rose to the burrday gUrl and well, he got duped. Michelle took the rose and waved it around awkwardly while swaying in the pool. Honest to God, it was one of the creepiest/weirdest things I've ever seen.

Jack-ee and Bach Brad take off in "his" car and Brad proclaims, "Jack-ee's about to get her very own 'Pretty Woman' experience!" Oh, just what I've always wanted! People to treat me like the whore that I am!

JackKnife gets to pick out a dress and my worst nightmare comes true-- a room full of floor-length gowns in every color.

Emily calls her daughter and cries. I would feel bad for her if she wasn't really pretty, with a great accent and a Tiffany bracelet on her wrist. Emily, it takes more than a puppy to get me suckered in.

I find it interesting that Jack-ee called herself "Cinderella" and Bach Brad compared her to a high-dollar prostitute. Then, they had some really not-so-deep heart-to-heart and Bach Brad gave her a rose and Train performed. Which, I thought Train had a pretty good 2010, but their 2011 is looking pretty bleak after appearing on this piece of shit show. All Bach Brad cared about was "holding Jack-ee close." Gagsies. They kiss. So, this guy is quite the romancer. I really think he'd kiss anybody or give anybody a rose, if they just ask a couple of questions and say something along the lines of, "I'm not here to play games."

Now on to the cocktail party from hell. Michelle just asked random questions. CUTE. Gag. Emily went for the jugular with her and she does NOT care where Bach Brad gets his coffee from. Sidenote: If he's a real Austin dude, he doesn't get it from Starbucks. Emily has left Bach Brad speechless. Literally. And what the hell is with all the pastels this guy wears? I like when a man can wear purple or pink every now and then, but every shirt on this episode? Really?

Oh, Lord, Melissa and her cheerleading skirt are on the war path. gUrl, you are a 32-year-old waitress, who quit being a waitress to come on this show. Time to stop picking fights with people eight years your junior, gUrl and get your shit together.

"I will not have you get in the way of the rest of my life." --Rachel
I like that. Boom! Roasted. Done. Talk to the hand.
"I need to move, I will not have you obstruct the rest of my life." --Rachel
Well, now she's just using big words to impress the others. Obstruct is just a big word for "in the way!" You can't fool me and my college education.

SuperNanny911 Ashley tried to put out the fire that is Melissa, but she just went outside and bawled like a cray-zo. Of course, she felt attacked. She confided in the vampire gUrl, which just seems like a terrible idea, because, hello-- she's a vampire. And then the gUrl with cleavage from here to Mexico (SHOUT OUT! BEYONCE!) name-dropped Jesus. I can only imagine that Jesus just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"She's just, like, such an energy suck." --Melissa, in her super could-be-drunk rant to Bach Brad

Brad likes the tears. Brad's spent three years in therapy. He naturally gravitates to tears.

Enter Ali and Roberto. To me, that's like inviting two people you met once in college to be your marriage counselors. Like, they don't even know Bach Brad. Is anybody on this show actually on it for the "right reasons?" I wish I knew the correct reasons to publicly embarrass yourself and your family's good name on national television.

A&R sat down and just heard 15 gUrls bitch about every other gUrl. And they weren't even drinking. Fail.

Bach Brad gives the rando rose to BarbieEmily. Obvi.

OMG. Most dramatic rose ceremony since last week. It's actually pretty dramatic for me because I'm certain I didn't know some of these gUrls were even on this "journey" before the ceremony began. And in the end, he picks the gUrl that made out with him and another gUrl. I mean, you gotta hand it to him. At least he's honest.

"Honestly, I don't know if love is in the cards for me, maybe I'm meant to be alone. This is my last ditch effort." --Keltie
Wow, let me just say...I've never felt so good about myself or my love-life (or lack thereof). Really? This is your last shot at love? A competition? You're a freakin' ROCKETTE, not a 400-pound gas station attendant that can't see colors. GET A GRIP.

And then, it was finally over.

Friday, January 7, 2011

the bachelor: season 47.

After much debate (in my own head and nowhere else), I've decided that yes, I will watch this piece of shit television show and offer up my post-show analysis to the internetS. I apologize that this first episode aired during a very inopportune time, as my precious Arkansas Razorbacks were playing in the Sugar Bowl and I was in New Orleans. Therefore, this analysis is brief.

So, the Grover Cleveland of reality television is this season's Bachelor. Oh, you don't know the Grove? Well, ole Grover was elected to the Presidency in 1884, lost reelection in 1888 and then was reelected in 1892. He's counted as being the 22nd and 24th President. Which gets really fun when someone asks how many presidents we've had because you want to say 44, but you're wrong, because one man is counted twice. Meaning, the answer to that question is actually 43. FUN FACT.

So, this is the 15th installment of The Bachelor, but really, this is only bach number 14. See how he's Grover now? This is really thrilling stuff.

What's most intriguing about this to me is that, these people couldn't come up with a new guy to go on a "journey" with? I mean, I get it, I get-- it's something that hasn't been done, but to me it screams desperation. Could this be the last call for our beloved series? All good things must come to an end and, well, that goes for all shitty things, too.

The episode begins with about 14 minutes of BachBrad jogging shirtless and what seemed to be him taking a bath in a hot tub, again shirtless. I lost count, but I think he told us he had been in therapy approximately 3,487 times. And while in therapy he decided he needed to get married. Now, I had a stint in counseling (or, therapy, whatever you want to call it) a year or so ago and in all the self-discovery I experienced, none of it led me to believe I should sell my soul and my love-life to ABC television.

We finally get to meet the "ladies," and once again, we see just how loosely people use that word. During some of the solo story lines we saw the same shot of a "lady" sitting on her couch staring at a photo. Clearly, all of the creative juices for the season were used up when they chose a Bach that has already exposed himself to the world.

I have to be honest, I was more than half-asleep while watching this episode, so aside from the girl with fangs, the girl with pink shoes and the girl who's fiance died, but got an extremely cute kid out of the deal, I remember like, zero about any of the "ladies." Oh, there was that one that was a Rockette (so was Dina Lohan...crazy alert).

Anyway. I guess we'll see just how much all that therapy helped our ole boy Brad. And per the usual, we were promised that, yet again, this is going to be the most exciting and dramatic season yet.

Please. Promises, promises.

Monday, January 3, 2011

new year.

I woke up the other day and it was 2011. Seriously. Just like that, another year had graced us with its presence. The word to best describe the event would be: underwhelming.

Obviously, my favorite holiday of the year is not New Year's Eve. Which leads me to my declaration of: I don't really do new year's resolutions, but wait! I do them every year. My 2010 resolutions came and went. Some were accomplished. Some were tried. Few actually had any impact on the 12 months I spent living in 2010. But, this is coming from someone who put "buy new black work flats" on my list. I could put that on my list for a Tuesday. I think my problem is that I don't go bold enough with my resolutions. A few year's ago, I listed "get my hair cut" as a resolution. Again, I'm setting myself up for underwhelming results with lame ass goals.

So...this year...2011 is the year, I actively pursue resolutions. Bold resolutions.

So, this year, I resolve to...

1. Only eat pizza once a week. Seriously.
2. Write more letters-- to you, to Congress, to my friends, to my family.
3. Shop at Dollar General more.
4. Read a fictional book. In other words, read a book that isn't about a dead man that used to run this great country.
5. Devote more time to honing a skill. Like, woodworking or crocheting.
6. Eat fruit once, unprompted, on my own before June.

2010 was a really good year for me and there are some things I'd like to carry into 2011. Such as and the like:

1. Continue to be awesome.
2. Continue to be cautious about cussing around small children.
3. Continue to make an effort about at least looking in the mirror before leaving the house.
4. Continue to support the efforts of those pursuing efforts.

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