Tuesday, May 31, 2011

the bachelorette: sin city.

We open with our boy, Chris Harrison, explaining, how the dates work to the boyZ. After all these years if there is someone out there who still doesn't get it, let's just shoot them and get it over with.

We learn that Will.i.am gets the first one-on-one date and then Ashley stares off into the distance for a few minutes in her workout clothes.

The Masked Man (MM) is getting creepier and creepier and he's added a hat to his look. He has to be really hot in there and that mask has to smell. Like, bad.

Will.i.am and the Dentist finally get to the Vegas and they were like a "real celebrity couple" minus two celebrities and a couple. So, I can see the comparison for sure. This date was just the weirdest thing I've ever watched on tv. Like, what the hell? So, they drag us through their "wedding" planning and we get half-way through the vows before the Dentist pulls the plug. Oh, you! You got me! I did like that he gave her that really awkward vase of flowers to carry down the aisle though. Zing!

"This is my best first date!" -- Will.i.am
"This is my best first date!" -- The Dentist
"No, this is my best first date!"
"No, this is MY best first date!"

We meet up with these two knuckleheads on their actual date IN the Bellagio fountains. Will.i.am has the excitement level of a nine-year-old and I respect that.

"Millions of tourists come to Vegas just to see them" -- The Dentist, about the Bellagio Fountains
Ohhhh, I'm going to call your bluff on that one.

The Dentist needs somebody in her life that is serious and OOPS, Will.i.am drops the bomb that he's a mobile phone salesman and shares that his dad was an alcoholic. Ashley of course, says, "My dad was an alcoholic, too!" Then, Will.i.am showed the Dentist his completely useless watch.

The other boyZ learn who is going to the Vegas by doing an adult version of "Heads Up, 7 Up" with their eyes open.

Will.i.am gets a rose because the Dentist wants a relationship, not a friend. They make out, the fountains go off and the Dentist is smitten. Will.i.am is convinced that the fountains are going off just for them, but...I know for a fact that the fountains are on a schedule.

"I'm locking this up in my memory box." -- The Dentist
Don't quote me on this, but...I think that's her brain.

"My heart is soaring higher than these fountains." -- Will.i.am

The boyZ make it to Sin City and...the Dentist channels her inner Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island with her outfit. The boyZ get their "challenge" and it's pretty dumb. Then, the Dentist disappears and she pops up OUT OF NOWHERE (or "the Heavens" depending on who you ask) and swings her hips twice and puts her arms over her head. It was quite the show.

The boyZ have to make up a dance routine.

They were all pretty terrible, but six were only absolutely terrible so they had to go home while the other six stayed to perform with the Dentist for the night.

The Dentist is really impressed with the boyZ dancing. I am fairly confident that she is the only one that is impressed.

After the dancing Blake and the Dentist talk about the finer aspects of dental work. I was bored, BUT impressed by their teeth.

West tells the Dentist about his wife and her death. It was sad.
I had a flashback to Barbie Emily and her sad story.
I repeated the whole story verbatim.

Bentley is almost disgusting.
And, I had no idea that "tickle my pickle" was something worth being bleeped out.
Oh..."pickle" isn't an actual pickle?

But, seriously...this guy? This guy?!
And how dumb is she? She even got text messages about him and she's still all, "Ohhhhhh, PLEASE stay." It's show number 2! 2! Why are you begging him to stay? He's dressed like he's going snowboarding and only wants to be playing blackjack!

Of course. Of course Bentley gets the rose.

Mickey wins the coin toss for the one-on-date.
Then, the rest of the date is filled with the Dentist and the Mouseketeer flipping a coin rather than making normal decisions. I felt very little chemistry between the two. And that coin toss thing was getting old. What does a coin toss have to do with Vegas? Now, I've only been to Vegas once (SHOUT OUT KELLA.) but, I never saw a coin toss table. Actually, I've never seen a coin toss table at any casino.

They talk about the last time they cried.
I thought about the last time I cried. It's right now, because I'm watching this. Again.

The MM has the same personality as a cardboard puppet.

The Mouseketeer lost his mother, so the Dentist is really feeling a connection with him. I think the Dentist just likes sad stories.

"I love mama's boyZ" --The Dentist
I don't know... I think you just love boyZ.

The Dentist really tricked me with that whole coin toss for the rose thing!
I tell you what! Those ABC Producers are just getting better and better at this!
The Mouseketeer fell for it.
I didn't.
I know how this shit works.

Colbie Caillat joined them on their date.
So, her career is over?

Finally, the rose ceremony.

The Dentist has the largest glass of white wine I've ever seen.
Personally, I don't know how she gets by on just white wine.

J.P. is upset about losing the coin toss, so he wants to flip a coin to see if the Dentist will make out with him. He loses the toss, but she makes out with him anyway.

Mothers everywhere cried.

Will.i.am starts talking trash and the boyZ are. not. happy.

It's finally time for Zorro take off that damn mask.
He tells his story, and yeah, that's a shitty story, but...I'm not following the mask.
Just as he's about to remove it, other dude walks up and a collective moan was heard across the country.

That Ben guy from Nola had on a great jacket.
But, his stand-up routine was not as great.

Bentley continues to suck.
Like, he really sucks.
So, they make out. Duh.

What a dumb, dumb gUrl.

Here come the roses!

Very few shockers here.

Minus the fact she gave MM a rose. What the hell? This is just dumb now. Ok, maybe wear a mask in the beginning, but really...has he ever been in a relationship? Does he not know that most gUrls do make decisions based on emotions and that boyZ are the ones who would base a decision on looks?

Very few tears were shed by the boyZ, which is admirable. When gUrls get kicked off this show you'd think their kitten died.

Oh, wait. Spoke to soon. That dude called his mom and asked her to make him French toast. What an idiot. Ask for something expensive and hard to make. Maybe get a tank of gas out of this. Milk it.

Lots of purple this evening.
Someone should tone that down.

What is a construction "estimator?" I mean, I can use context clues and all, but... seriously, what is it?

And, finally. It's over.

But, per the usual...we're left with the promise that next week, something that has "never happened" before will happen.

I hope it's that, for once, I'm entertained. But, I have my doubts.

Friday, May 27, 2011


No, the title of this post is not in homage to one of my childhood heroes Ace Clement or even, Larry Bird. I will save that for another day.

This one goes out to the Parents. The one who birthed me and the one who helped. The two who raised me. The two who drove me to every small town and mid-major city in the country to watch me play soccer and basketball. The two who, though they claim innocence, forgot my 22nd birthday and wouldn't let me drive alone on my 16th. The two who protected me from Baby Jane and "It." The two who, mostly, love me unconditionally and without regret.

They are celebrating 33 years of marriage today and though it's not perfect bliss, they have raised a perfect dog, a perfect daughter and a son who tries to live up to both. And clearly, they've done something right because that son and his wife are bringing another Cowling into the world soon-- the gift that keeps on giving.

Way to go, you two.
You done real good.
Real good.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

the bachelorette: the dentist.

When catching up with The Dentist we learn that...The Dentist is a dancer, y'all! So, she's a double-threat. Kind of like Tyra.

The Rocky references were so unbelievable that I didn't believe what I was hearing.

Oh, she's only bringing one suitcase. Joke.

Chris Harrison breaks it down and begs the question, "Why didn't Ashley really tell Brad how she felt?"

"I genuinely want better for the world." --Ryan
That's so different...because most people want really, really shitty shit for the world.

"The only thing stronger than the sun is love." --Ryan
Nope, can't do it.

This next guy (I missed his name due to fast-forwarding) says on a scale of 1 to 10 of romance, he's about a 215. Where the hell are they finding these dudes? 215? I think that makes you a gay man, sir.

Bentley is a single father! And he named her after how you want to feel in bed.

"What if she doesn't eat meat?" --Butcher's dad
Such a valid question.

So far they have shown seven men and they've showed three of them without shirts.

Chris greets the Dentist as she gets out of the limo and gives her a pep talk. In my mind, I bet the pep talk included three to four glasses of white wine that they edited out. Or maybe that's just a pep talk that I give.

Chris asks her some questions and without any hesitation she got really whiney and all dumb. Blahblahblah. It's a television show.

She got really excited about meeting a fellow dentist. Has she ever met another dentist? I mean, not that I'm a dentist or could be a dentist...but, it's not that rare to be a dentist. Is it? Is there a shortage of dentists on the East Coast? Or just in the reality television world?

[I'm hitting my head against a wall.]

Why did that guy pick her up and put her on his shoulder?

Every time one of these guys gets out of the limo I'm convinced I know him. I guess a lot of these guys look like guys I took business classes with my freshman year in college.

Did he really try to kiss her? He was weirdsies.

That guy has on a mask. I can't even think of anything witty to say about it. Just: that guy has on a mask.

I like that Ben got out of the limo with some booze in hand. I mean, why not? I'm going to need to be drunk to finish watching this.

Was that Lance Bass?

The Dentist finally heads inside and she gives some BS speech about feelings and trust and flossing.

The Dentist thinks it's a good thing to be a mama's boy and I'm not so sure. Like, I want everyone to get along with their mother, but...I don't know. I think this guy just thought his mom would like to talk to a "celebrity." I did enjoy her fantasy suite advice. Such valid information: your mothers ARE watching. Actually, lots of mothers are watching. And they're all ashamed of/for you.

I like that guy from the Jersey Shore that was just bitching about that mask.

"The guy in the mask is an effing weirdo...I'm not kidding. That's effing creepy." --Tim

The men are getting worried that "something is going to happen tonight" because Tim put a pillow between him and the masked dude on the couch. Do you know how often I put something between me and someone else when I sit down and nothing happens? Every day. Maybe he just doesn't like sitting close to people. I know I don't. Is that a crime?

Ben really rocked those cue cards. He could be looking at a second career there.

I feel like a liquor distributor should be able to hold his liquor a little better than that, Tim. Come on. You're making your profession look terrible.

"I can identify with wasted opportunities." --The Dentist
For a second, I really thought she was going to say, "I can identify with being wasted."

OMG. That dude snoring makes me angry. It reminds me of all the times I've been woken up by someone snoring. (Wow. I feel like I just really connected with the Dentist.)

"I'm not hear to party my ass off." --Jeff
Honestly? Sounded like he said, "party my mask off." BOOM.

In my personal opinion, if you're going somewhere looking for "an adventure" you should go like, white water rafting or rappelling, NOT to a mansion in LA.

"I want people to call me cupcake." --The Dentist
I just threw up.
It's everywhere.

She said her friend sent her a text about "watching out" for Bentley, but I think a really good friend would send her a text and say, "Don't go on that piece of shit show, you're a dentist for crying out loud. Have some respect for yourself. You aren't Rihanna."

Solar Energy Boy got the first impression rose and Bentley is pissed, because although he's not attracted to her, he is competitive. Uh-oh. Someone is here for all the wrong reasons. What we will do?

"Thank you for taking the time out of your lives to be here." --The Dentist
She better thank me, too. I'm not even getting paid to watch this shit carnival.

There's a guy named Constantine?! How'd I miss that? Is he a vampire?

JP said, "Hell yeah!" to accepting the rose and a little bit of me died on the inside. Is he really excited about this or does he just throw that expression around casually?

These guys that got kicked off are worrying me...like...did they know her longer than 8 hours? Like, what. the. hell. That one guy said his whole family was in love with her. And what about the one who said he didn't know how to feel anymore? Boy, you got kicked off of a reality show. The Roman Catholic Church didn't ex-communicate you! Man up. My word.

Anyway. They showed some scenes from the upcoming season, but I didn't (see: couldn't) watch it because I want to be surprised by all the dramatic things that won't actually be all that dramatic.

Here's to flossing.

Friday, May 20, 2011

the republican party.

Seeing as how there are only about four things in the world that can capture my attention for periods of time longer than a movie, it's only natural that these four things greatly interest me, as well as piss me off to the extreme. (For the record, I would say the four things that have managed to capture my attention are: the Arkansas Razorbacks [the whole state, actually], politics, presidents and the internetS.)

And if you're really keeping score, on a love scale it goes: Presidents, Arkansas, politics, internetS. On a pissed off scale, it's usually: InternetS, politics, Arkansas, presidents. Arkansas bumps up to first depending on the weekend and how many interceptions my QB throws.

All of that information is probably useless, but it's important to know that sometimes, when you're deeply invested in something, it's ok to be angry. For example, I have a minor interest in the Dallas Mavericks. Their wins and losses do not affect my mood. However, I do have a deeply vested interest in the Arkansas Razorbacks. Their wins and losses do affect my mood.

To get to the point: I love politics. I love that some people are open-minded and can see more than one side to an issue and can go with the flow. I try to be that person. I haven't voted a straight-ticket ballot in quite sometime. I'm proud of that fact, even though...sometimes I just vote for the funniest name listed. I mean, what IS a Railroad Commissioner (trick question, a railroad commissioner is a railroad commissioner)?

All of that to say, in my latter years, I've become mostly Republican. Which basically means, I find that the majority of my thoughts and feelings line up more closely with the Republican party. Which is why I can say: the Republican Party is embarrassing.

Is this the best you can do, Republican Party?

You tout "family values" time and time again, as if not one single Democrat in all the land is a God-fearing Christian, and time and time again some horrific sex scandal breaks out involving a big-name Republican. The in-fighting reminds me of grade school. The finger-pointing is a waste of energy and your loose affiliation with the Tea Party is enough to make my skin crawl. Your "best" candidates for POTUS all held "press conferences" to announce they would not run, only to open up the door for Newt Gingrich to step in. See above: embarrassing.

The majority of Republicans today are holding on tightly to the image of a President that did very little for this country like he's George Washington AND Thomas Jefferson rolled into one. Oh, how dare I speak ill of W. I'm sure I will be cursed for that! But, come on...if that's what people are wanting to go back to, if that's what people are holding onto...embarrassing.

It's like wanting to go back to high school because you thought you were all bad ass and then realizing, actually...you kind of weren't great. The glory days weren't all that glorious, why would I want to go back to that?

How about we forge ahead and build-up new, great leaders rather than pining away for the ones that in reality, we'd just like to go to the lake with over the weekend.

I know what you're thinking.
And this is not a love letter to Barack Obama.
This is a plea.

Do better, Republican Party.
Do better.

Side note: I would so go to the lake with W.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


It's recently come to my attention that I'm on the downside of 27. This isn't necessarily something I'm upset over or dwelling on-- it's just weird.

This week I spoke at my high school and where, I'm completely aware of the fact that I graduated 9 years ago, I didn't feel like it had been that long. But, newsflash: I'm not anywhere near being 18 anymore.

This speaking engagement coupled with two segments I saw on the Today Show this morning has caused me to re-evaluate some of my goals and priorities in life. It's made me realize I need to push a little harder for some things I want and let go of those that are just silly. If you recall I had some pretty legitimate goals for 2011 and I've definitely kept up with them (save the pizza thing, but I did give it up for Lent). And since I've kept up with them, I've decided to up the ante and play ball.

This morning on the Today Show I saw a man in England buy a train ticket for a Shetland pony. Done and done. New life priority number one: Buy an airplane ticket for a Shetland pony. Take that pony to see the sights! The second segment had an "internet expert" commenting on a few things. I'm sorry...internetS expert?! That's a title? That's real?! I'm in. The bar has been raised, people. I'm going from internetS novice to internetS expert. For real.

I may be single, on the downside of 27 and own no furniture that my parents didn't buy me, but damn it, I can still do something with my life!

Hey life, challenge accepted.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

blog give away.

That's right, it's a give away on lc blogs!

I've caught the bug and want to give back to my loyal readers and followers.

So...what's the give away?
I'm giving away FREE ADVICE. Free!

Everyone wins!

But, there are two ways to actually win.

First, you have to follow my blog.
Then, you have to post a comment about how awesome I am.
Also, you need to link my blog on your Twitter or Facebook status for 2 days.
After that, you need to send an e-mail to 150 of your closest friends and tell them about the give away.
Once I have confirmation that you've completed all of those steps I'll burn you a mixed-CD and send it to you before 2013! Win-win-win!

The second way to win is a little bit easier.
Just post a question/comment/concern and I'll give you FREE ADVICE. This is not a joke! It's completely FREE.

On May 30, I'll put all the names into a hat at my home and draw one person to win a GRAND PRIZE. What's the grand prize you ask? An 8x10 framed photo of me shipped to your door. Or hand delivered depending on where you reside.

Alright, let the give aways begin!


I'm not the best sleeper. It takes me hours to fall asleep on an almost regular basis and even when I am asleep, I wake up midway through just about every slumber. Therefore, I take the occasional Tylenol PM to slow down my brain. I have no doubt that last night's dosage of one Tylenol PM is what catapulted my unconscious thoughts into way beyond outer space.

Last night's dream was a three-part doozie. The first two parts weren't all that interesting. In one part I saw a gUrl I went to high school with who writes on my Facebook wall regularly (SHOUT OUT LEE ANN NELSON). Then, I went to a Chicago Blackhawks game with my two loves (SHOUT OUT BRUDER AND BOWEN).

The third and final installment is what did and is still throwing me for a real loopty-loo. I was with a male looking at a display case full of stuff on Franklin Pierce (who else?). It's not weird for me to dream about Franky P., but...next came Ronald Reagan. He strolled in casually behind me and looked over my shoulder at the display case. He said something along the lines of, "Total looker, eh?" to my male friend and giggled. When I turned around to discuss the comment with him, I realized who it was.

I immediately stuck out my hand to introduce myself and froze. I froze mid-handshake and in the middle of saying, "I am so honored to meet you, Mr. President." Clearly, my hand went limp and in return he said, "Ma'am, your handshake is weak and quite honestly, I'm embarrassed." Upon letting go of my hand and walking off in disgust he shook his head and motioned for Nancy to join him. He then mumbled something under his breath about "weak women" and was gone!

As often as I day-dream about the Presidents, I rarely actually dream about them...and now that I have one is completely disgusted with what I always considered a fairly solid handshake.

I guess, now, I kind of think Ronald Reagan is an asshole.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

the good news.

It's been quite the last 10 days (or so), eh?

First, POTUS finally released his original birth certificate, because I'm sure when originally running for president and the senate and you know going to law school and getting a job and stuff, no one ever saw where he was born and it's been this HUGE conspiracy since his birth to hide where he was born. Americans are so stupid. I mean, are there really people out there who are convinced that this guy wasn't born in America? And do you only think that because you don't like him? I might start using that one on people, "You know that gUrl, Trisha? I hate her. I heard she was born in Egypt." Please.

Not too long after that the South was pummeled by tornadoes. Texas Governor, Rick Perry made a real ass out of himself a day after the worst outbreak by saying the federal government doesn't care about Texas because they didn't react fast enough for him in the wake of a horrific wild fire (or several, really). I wish that guy would secede from Texas.

Then came the Royal Wedding. And as quickly as it happened, it was over.
Thank goodness.

And of course, the news of all news: Osama Bin Laden is dead. As I sat and watched the news on Sunday evening the reporters kept saying, "This is one of those moments you'll never forget where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news." Um...it was like, 10pm on a Sunday night-- I was doing what most people were doing-- getting ready for bed and Monday. What else do people do that late on a freakin' Sunday? But, I did start to wonder, "Are my kids going to ask me where I was when they confirmed Bin Laden's death and I'm going to have to tell them sitting on my couch and they'll be like, soooooo disappointed?"

I mean, what's a girl to do? Do I re-write history myself? Do I tell them I was standing on a street corner somewhere waving an American flag while holding up one of my friends on my shoulders? Do I tell them I was at a bar and the whole place broke out into the National Anthem and followed it up with "God Bless America?" Doubtful.

I hope I don't really ever have to recount the event to my children, because I hope that 20 years from now I'm not still "celebrating" the death of this terrible man. I hope, instead, I'm celebrating 30 years of freedom since the attack on the World Trade Center.

Don't get me wrong, the death of Osama Bin Laden is a good thing in my eyes. And it was justice being served. But, as I think about that piece of "good news" and all the other news that has happened over the last couple of weeks I have to stop and remember the really good news: the tomb was empty. Jesus is alive.

And that is something to celebrate.
That is something to be joyous about.
That is something that deserves 24/7 news coverage.
That's something that deserves its own Twitter feed.

"The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.” -- Matthew 28: 5-7

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