Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the bachelor :: ben : epi 9.

We meet up with Ben on the last stop of his journey.
He's in Switzerland.
I'm in my very own personal Hell.

Did he really carry-on luggage to Europe?

He just called Nicki a "dark horse" and I was offended. I bet horse gUrl was too. I bet she wants to be the dark horse. Or the white horse.

He said he had premonitions about horse gUrl.

I fast-forwarded through what he said about The Model.

Nicki makes it to Switzerland and immediately runs into Ben's arms and Ben tells her that a good vantage point of the Alps would be the sky.
This is guy is brilliant.

"You get the whole view." --Nicki, on the view

"That's a glacier." --Ben, looking at a glacier

That helicopter did some loopty-loos and then they had a picnic on the side of a mountain. Ben was looking very gray, as he was wearing every shade of gray imaginable. 

How are these two sitting on top of this mountain without sunglasses?

"I was wondering if your dad was like my dad." --Nicki

Ben didn't talk at all during the picnic. He just kind of smiled and kind of nodded while squinting. Nicki talked a lot. Then, she got interviewed and put on the lowest cut top they sell at the Fort Worth Stockyards. It was terrible.

The helicopter dropped them off on a mountain. AGAIN. Nicki made some really terribly analogies about their relationship and a cliff and falling off it. My thoughts at this very moment: I hope they fall off that mountain. OR. I hope they get left on top of that mountain.

Commercial break.
They got off the mountain without falling off of it. : (
We get to see Nicki's top in action.

Can you imagine eating dinner sitting on that log? I'd want to get dumped just so my butt could get off that tree stump.

Ben's hair.
Ben's no-teeth smile and mini head nod.

"How many kids do you want?" --Nicki
"My sister and I decided..." --Ben
WHAT? You decided to have kids with your sister?

Ben gives Nicki the overnight date card. WHAT WILL SHE DO?!?!?!????
She forewent her individual room without any hesitation or thought.
Dads everywhere are hanging their heads in shame.

It can't be safe to burn that many candles without people there to watch them, right?

Does Nicki ever stop talking?

Cool bathtub scene.

Horse gUrl makes her way to Switzerland and learns she has to rappel on her date with Ben. This is the gUrl they made jump out of a helicopter the other day, right? And she cried and cried and cried and said, "What if I die?" These ABC Producers are assholes.

One time I went rappelling and did it wrong and basically fell off the cliff.
Then, I had to do it again the next day and did it even more wrong and fell head first all the way down.
The second time I was rappelling into water, so it wasn't as scary, but I still thought I was going to die. (ALL OF THAT INFORMATION WAS FOR FREE.)

Ben and horse gUrl's rappelling was way less dramatic then either of them thought it would be, making it REAL boring.

Horse gUrl and Ben end up in a hot tub and she calls herself "the ice queen." If she's the ice queen, call me "sweetie." Clearly, this gUrl is not very self-aware. I should've known that. She's on the Bachelor.

Ben throws on a bow tie and it's the first time in my life I hated a man in a bow tie.

Ben is always picking food out of his teeth with his tongue.
I mean, just get a toothpick or something.

I wish I could imitate Ben's head nod, no-teeth smile and "mm-hmm" on this blog.

Whoa. Horse gUrl throws out the word "proposal" so, Ben of course invites her to spend the night. I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. I'm kidding. I did.

Oh! Look at that! Horse gUrl at least prefaced spending the night with, "I don't usually do this," before accepting. CLASSY BROAD.

"It is a fantasy of a suite." --Horse gUrl
Hence the name, "fantasy suite," gUrl. 

Was that Horse gUrl's whole butt we saw during the bed make-out scene?

Finally, The Model arrives. 
Ben looks like he stepped out of a rejected J. Crew catalog ad in his women's camel pea coat.

They climb aboard the "cute" train and make their way to Wengen.
Ben, SHOCKINGLY, wants to have a picnic. This guy is just creative, right?

"It's nice to know I could just walk with her... that's something I've been wanting to do." --Ben
Say what? You've been wanting to walk with her?

There wasn't another person in the town, minus a guy selling some oranges and of course, the man walking around WITH A HERD OF GOATS. That's soooooooooo typical.

The Model doesn't know how to play "Hey Cow" and a part of my soul died.

"There are some things I can work on." --The Model
YES. Your whole attitude and life. And every single thing about your personality. 

It gets pretty AWK when Ben brings up some of The Model's previous actions and he decides to quit talking about it and pick food out of his teeth with his tongue instead. Then, The Model cries.

Unfortunately, Ben doesn't leave The Model out in the field with the cows. Instead, he takes her to dinner in a cellar. Naturally, there's a couch in the cellar.

The Model brings up "the other gUrls" and she says she feels badly about the drama. Ben's concern is not that she's being fake, it's just that he needs support? He just needs support when he gets home? The Model admits to being immature and the music in the background makes me feel like someone is in the hospital and near death, but no, it's just two people talking about immaturity and support while sitting on a couch in a cellar in Switzerland while being filmed. Natch.

WHOA! They get the option to forgo their individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite?! That's crazy! The Model is all like, "HELL YEAH, fantasy suite!"

This fantasy suite has a lot of animal skin rugs and throws in it. Leading me to wonder, "who's fantasy is that exactly?" I've never dreamed of any situation that involved a dead animal's skin. Call me crazy.

For a single mother, who lost her longtime boyfriend in a horrific accident, I cannot think of a better way to find a husband than this, you know? I mean, yes, expose your child to this. YES. YES. YES. 

The Dentist and Ali meet up with Barbie Emily to "give her advice," but they just tried on some dresses and then got their make-up done.

Barbie Emily toned down the highlights and she looks way less NASCAR now. I tell you what, ABC knows what they are doing, right?

Oh, Heaven help this poor gUrl. They made her go see "Titanic 3D." 

We get back to Ben, FINALLY, and he's just checking out the Alps from his hotel room. There have not been enough long stares into the distance from him this season. It makes me think he doesn't think at all! Isn't that the only time these dudes think-- when they are looking at the landscape?

WELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD. Kacie B. is back. And she's bow-legged? When did that happen?

I timed how long it took her to knock on the door and it was 14 seconds. Yes, that includes the hair fixing and deep breath.

Ben invites her in.

"I'm a hot mess." --Kacie B.
Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Kacie flew all the way to Switzerland to "get some answers." Yeah, that's what sane people do and all. This wasn't planned for ratings or anything like that.

Ben basically tells Kacie that their backgrounds are too different. What I actually heard: "Your parents love the Lord and I think you do, too, so I don't really want to get into that. I want no responsibility and I don't want your dad to throw-down on me for wanting to live with you before marriage."

Then, Kacie decides to just go for it and throws The Model under the bus. In my head, it's a big bus!

Kacie is pretty vague, but Ben almost cries.
I'm crying because his shirt is so damn ugly.

Kacie throws herself on the floor after leaving Ben's room.
No. No. No. No. No.
Kacie, get up! Get up!
And don't just get up because that's a nasty European hotel hallway floor, get up because you are a strong woman! Get up because you have some pride! Get up because you have some self-respect!

I hope Kacie at least got to hang out in Switzerland and didn't just fly there for this five-minute tirade of bullshit.

Ben sits in his hotel room and taps on the table.
I think he would think better if he went and looked out the window, right?
That table has no answers, Ben! Look out the window!

Chrissy Poo meets up with Ben.

REAL QUESTION: Do you think Ben owns a hairbrush? Honestly, be real with me. Do you think he does?

Ben tells Chrissy that Kacie showed up out of nowhere like he didn't know it. It was probably Chrissy's idea, Ben.

Ben, now, feels conflicted. He doesn't know what to do!

"I didn't have any regrets until she showed up." --Ben
Really? Clearly, we're watching different shows. 
I have a lot of secondhand regret. 

Chrissy Poo looks as bored as I feel.
Ben is just rambling.

I think Chris has on a tux.

Do you think the ABC Producers make him stare at those photos?
Oh, good. Finally, he's looking out the window. Now, he'll get some answers!


Horse gUrl and The Model get roses.
This guy is such a chump.

Nicki, who's hair all seems to be on one side of her hair tonight, is upset. Duh.

Why do they always hold hands when walking out? He just dumped you. Why would you hold his hand?

"Everything doesn't go unnoticed." --Ben, to Nicki
What does that mean? Seriously. Is that even a sentence?

"I don't know what else to say. You deserve everything." --Ben, to Nicki
Really? Everything? EVERYTHING? Is everything good or bad?! Good or bad, Ben?

Nicki gets in that limo and lets it roll. The tears come. She can't talk.

"I've never been in love with somebody who hasn't loved me back." --Nicki
WELL, aren't you just the cat's meow, gUrl. 

She just really hopes he's making the right decision.
I don't care what he does.

Next week is the 'Women Tell All' and I really hope we find out how these women felt about his hair.

Monday, February 27, 2012

the dallas life.

Many, many years ago this very web log started for the purpose of documenting my living experience with my BFF, (Laura) Britt(ain). It was a short experience, around six weeks, but the blog lived on. And somehow, miraculously, the friendship lived on.

Since that time, the blog has changed a lot. Mainly, it's not a place for me to air my life happenings or goings-on. But, from time to time, that needs to happen. Someday, when I'm running for a United States Senate seat and this blog becomes public, I need people to know that my life is made up of much more than recapping terribly shitty reality television programs.

Tomorrow marks the end of an era in my Dallas life. Tomorrow, my BFF, this blog's co-creator, is getting on a plane bound for Santa Barbara, California and she only got a one-way ticket.

It's the end of an era indeed.

I moved to Dallas five and a half years ago. When I moved here I had never eaten salad dressing on a salad (or on anything for that matter), I didn't drink wine and I didn't have my ears pierced. (To be fair, she had nothing to do with getting my ears pierced, but at times, she's let me borrow earrings and once, she broke a pair of my earrings.)

Now, I (sometimes) eat salad dressing, I know the difference between cheap wine, good wine and just lots of stuff about wine and I wear the same pair of earrings everyday. Britt has had a lot to do with all of that.


Thinking about the beginnings of this blog I went back and read some posts from long ago, here are the highlights:

June 3, 2007 // from LC // "Brittain's birthday party was a roaring success. I have no doubt that it is due to the person that Brittain is and not to my party planning skills. Go Brittain!" // So true. That party was a success. People love Laura Brittain.

July 2, 2007 // from Brittain // "Maybe one day we will have a functional relationship." // I think we're almost there. Almost. 

July 17, 2007 // from LC // "Last night I was house-sitting in Arlington. I was super bored, so I decided to call Britt. I said, "Britt, how do you do this? I'm so bored." I felt like for the first time ever I could relate to her and her travels. I said, "What should I do?" She said, "Why don't you call a friend?" I was on the phone with her when she said this. // Sounds really right. 

August 8, 2007 // from LC // "I guess there are worse things to be associated with. After all, "Brittain!" is way better than, "washed-up-druggie with kids!" // I still find this to be really true.

In the last five years, through Britt, I've learned a lot about community and friendship. About design and fashion. About faith and reason. And about myself. I'm not an easy person to love, but Britt loves me well.

It's the end of an era, but not the end of a friendship (I mean, hopefully. You honestly never know, right?).

In trying to write this blog, this internetS goodbye of sorts, I told a dear mutual friend to Britt and me that it was all becoming too dramatic and then she told me the perfect way to end it.

"Bye, bitch."

You are loved.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

the bachelor:: ben: epi 8.

Ben's headed to the hometowns of the "ladies."

Of course, we start with horse gUrl and her horses. She's only brought one other guy home to meet the horses. She doesn't even get off the horse to hug Ben when he arrives.

"Horses are always going to be a part of our lives together." --Horse gUrl
Well. Naturally. 

Horse gUrl and Ben discuss walls and being vulnerable and then she drops the bomb that she lived in sin with the other boy before this. I have a feeling that having a horse in the sinful apartment didn't help?

After a couple of laps around the track in a carriage they finally head to meet the HUMANS. No worries though-- the horse stays really close by. Lindzi's parents have a living room set under a tree in their backyard. Because, why not?

Horse gUrl's dad is kind of a one-upper, eh? Every time Ben mentioned something they did in San Fran, her dad interjected with something they did.

"We went on a date."
"Well, we got married!"

Tone it down, Harry.
Tone it way down.

Horse gUrl talks with Mama Bear about her broken heart and then sits down with Ben, too. They have that fancy living room set in their yard, but have tailgating chairs on their porch. She tells Ben she kept horse gUrl away from dating at a young age and steered her more towards horses. Weirdsies.

Suddenly, Mama Bear is gone and Harry is back.
Ben asks Harry for permission and says, "Our family is pretty much Lindzi, our dog and some horses." I don't think he ever said "yes" to the permission question, but he didn't say no either. Harry did come back and toast and say they'd be honored to have Ben as a son-in-law. Honestly though, I think they'd be just as happy watching "Secretariat."

We move on to Kacie B. and Clarksville, Tennessee. 

Naturally, when you're 24 and you used to be a majorette, you should get the high school band together to perform for the Bachelor. That's not weird at all. Also, not weird to straddle a boy in front of a bunch of high school kids.

Kacie tells Ben that the football stadium was named after her grandfather, so she's just humble-bragging the shit out of her family. (Side note: there's a track in rural Southwest Arkansas named after my great-grandfather, so anybody out there wanna go on a date with me there?)

The very last place I would take a man on a date would be a high school football field or gymnasium.

Kacie tells Ben her dad doesn't drink.
Ben's eyes pop out of his head and he basically starts crying.
Really, Ben? You've never met a Baptist?

Kacie and Ben finally arrive at her home and there's just a lot of screaming. Looks like Ben brought a bottle of wine, too. Should've just left that in the car there, bud.

I really thought Kacie would've brushed her hair before this, but it seems like she didn't.

Kacie's sister put on her Saturday best (meaning, Saturday-SEC-Football-Best) and sat down with sissy to discuss taking risks and trusting her feelings. Kacie says she loves Ben and that he has all the characteristics she wants in a husband. Not me! I don't think he even owns a hairbrush. That's something I'm looking for. We don't need to share everything. He can bring his own hairbrush into the relationship.

Benny Boo sits down with Daddy and Daddy says marriage is "very, very, very serious" and "don't rush into anything." The music in the background is so intense that I felt like Whitney Houston died all over again.

Dad wants Ben to end things sooner than later.

Mommy Dearest tells Ben that her children have always gone everywhere with them? I don't really know what that means. She's looking for her son-in-law to have a lot of integrity, courage and community. She goes on to say that she's watched the show a lot and doesn't want the couple moving in together before marriage. Again, Ben's face is just screaming, "SHIT, y'all." (I added the 'y'all' for emphasis.)

"I do have traditional values." --Ben

Daddy and Kacie sit down for a little talk. He says the word "date" 19 times in 8 seconds. He's serious about this shit. At this point, I'm so glad this guy is not The Model's father. I think if he was he would watch the show and shoot Ben. Literally, shoot him with a gun.

Kacie would say yes to a proposal. Daddy would not say yes to give permission. He wants them to get to know each other better. FINALLY. A guy who's like, taken a parenting class or something.

"Best of luck to you." --Kacie's Dad
Translation: SEE YOU NEVER. 

Well, the end is near for these two.
Kacie doesn't know if she can fix it and she doesn't know what's going to happen.

We move on to the Mid-Cities and Nicki next. 

Classy move taking him to Fort Worth.

"I'm looking forward seeing Ben as a country boy." --Nicki
But, what about when you were in Utah???????? Was that fake?

That is NOT what people do in Texas on the weekends.
Well, I have been day-drinking on the weekend, but not wearing that.
Nicki found every sequin the state of Texas for that top. And people, this is a big state.

They continue the day-drinking out of a picnic basket in a park. I'm guessing that park is close to I-30 judging to the cars in the background I can hear.

Nicki wants Ben to know that she didn't give up on her last marriage and that her parents "might have questions." Well, yeah. I hope so. The rest of the conversation is about honesty and progression and nature or something.

They finally head to Suburbia.
Ben stopped by the local Tom Thumb to get some cheap flowers before his arrival.
Should've brought the flowers to Kacie, bud.

Nicki's parents are divorced.
Uh-oh. RED FLAG.
Everyone's divorced, Ben!

Ben sat on that leather couch for 18 seconds and Nicki's mother said, "I do like Ben." What's wrong with these people? Nicki and Mom head to the bedroom to chat and giggle.

Nicki's dad is excited that Ben and Nicki seem to be doing everything they can to learn about each other. NO. THIS IS TELEVISION. THEY AREN'T. Then, he launches into this speech about saying yes to giving her hand away to readily in the past and you know what, that was sad. He has been carrying that around for a while. Dang, Dougie. That was some real talk.

"It's still hard letting you fly." --Nicki's Dad
Like, on an airplane?
My dad always makes me call him when I get on a plane. 

Dougie makes a toast, but I'm just looking at their dinner plates. Catered-in-BBQ. Class act.

Nicki and Ben head back to the back bedroom again, but there's less giggling and more of the word "love." Ben looks genuinely excited, but he also looked like that when he was buying those boots.

"If it can be this good now, it can be this good forever." --Nicki
Um...you're on a TV show... this isn't how it will be, gUrl!!!!!!

We head to Scottsdale to meet up with The Model.

The Model doesn't like the way she's treated the gUrls, but I wonder if she's upset about getting naked on television for all the world to see. The internetS is forever, kids.

He brings flowers AND wine to this house.
Two gifts?!?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Model's family is sitting around day-drinking and I really respect that.

The Model's sister looks a little like Khloe Kardashian.

The Model makes a really weird speech about Ben and being in love and liking him a lot, IN FRONT of Ben. Super weird. Everything she said should've been said not at the dinner table in front of him.

The Model and Khloe slink away from the table and talk about happiness and appreciation. Ben gets the marriage talk from Daddy Dearest.

He answers the marriage question with, "I'm ready for a serious, committed relationship."
Not the same thing, dude.
Not the same thing.

The Model tells the sister about skinny-dipping and sister had no reaction. Just, "oh my goodness!" Like, that's not weird or anything to her? Sad face!

The mom gives her stamp of approval.
They sit back down at the dinner table and The Model strokes Ben's hair during the remainder of the convo. I hope she washed her hands after that. Had to be super greasy.

They head off on a picnic, because that's what you do after you eat dinner at a house?

His hair. 
My gosh. 

The place they are having their picnic is where The Model started her modeling career. SO FUN. The Model set up a wedding for him... the fun begins!

"This is best way I can think of to show Ben I care about him." --The Model
She always takes things a little too far. 

She has rings, paper to write vows and a bow tie.

This is so dumb.
How do I keep watching?

She's copying her vows from a printed piece of paper?

There's a preacher!

Ben recites his vows to The Model.
Ben doesn't think this is too good to be true. Then, he called her kind and I knew he was lying.

The Model, of course, stole her vows from a movie.
None. Zero.
She made him write vows on the spot and she didn't even do it herself.
What a crock of shit.


Chrissy Poo sits down with Ben to dissect the dates.

Ben is sad that he didn't get approval to move in with Kacie if they were engaged.
He said they would have to compromise if this was going to work.
Yeah, the compromise would be: HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP.

Ben leaves Chrissy to stare at the photos.
Then, he heads to the "ladies."

"One of you will be going home." --Chrissy

Ben doesn't want to hurt anyone, but it's been an eye-opening week.

We're down to Nicki and Kacie.
Kacie won't live in sin.
I think we all know what is going to happen.

Nicki gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not shocked, but boy Kacie sure is!

She's trying to smile while crying and it's kind of endearing, but weird.
Ben doesn't say much because he's a selfish jackass.

Kacie gets in the limo and here come the tears.
Squeaky voice. Head down. Snot.
The whole package.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to you, I promise, baby gUrl.

Ben tells the "ladies" they are headed to Switzerland and that it's a "perfect place for falling in love."
I could fall in love in Des Moines, if it's the right person. This show is crap.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

the bachelor:: ben: epi 7.

"This week is the week leading up to hometowns." --Ben
I mean, his voice cracked. 
And it was just a voiceover. 

That was within the first 9 seconds.

We meet up with the ole gang in Belize. For those unfamiliar with geography, ABC has a lovely graphic for your cartogprahy needs. Ben rides in a boat and has on an ugly tank top and speaks in broken sentences while on a dock. Something about hometown dates and perfection.

The "ladies" arrive via boat to a mansion. Well, a mansion on the outside, the inside kind of looks like Spring Break '98/ Panama City Beach (NOT Panama).

Chrissy Poo tells the gUrls what to expect for the next week. The date card has arrived and The Model lets Horse gUrl know she's going on the one-on-one date. You've never seen a less enthusiastic group of gUrls in your life. Minus if you could see me right now. I'm not enthusiastic about it.

Nicki is crying.
I can only imagine what she was like in high school.
gUrl, you're 26 and have been through a divorce.
Get. it. together.
So much drama.

Ben arrives and someone told him it was a good idea to wear that tank top.
It was not a good idea.

(Ignoring the helicopter. Not touching it.)

Horse gUrl and Ben are flying over the water and Ben is basically sitting in her lap. I would've been like, "Hey, if you wanted the window seat, why didn't you just say so?" or even, "There's a whole other side to this chopper! Please get off of me."

"It's called the blue hole." --Ben
He doesn't know. He just made that up. 

Horse gUrl and Ben have to jump out of the heli into the water.
This is the part of the show I would call, "High Drama on the Open Seas with Time for Kissing."

"Oh my gosh, I could die in two seconds." -- Horse gUrl
Omigah. Ratings! 

She didn't die.
She lived.

Ben says they can accomplish anything together after jumping out of the helicopter.
My parents have been married for almost 34 years. I've never seen them jump out of a helicopter.

So, to Ben, marriage is being fake stranded on a deserted island and jumping out of a helicopter. He sees forever in those actions. We must be watching two different television shows.

We learn that Emily, not The Model gets the next one-on-one. In a rare moment of vulnerability, The Model starts crying. She must've pinched herself a whole bunch to make that happen.

"This is my worst nightmare." --The Model
This really is my worst nightmare!

The dinner convo is pretty lame and Ben asks the Horse Lover if she's ready to take him back to stable.

Horse gUrl "absolutely" wants to take Ben back to stable. She's "excited." About this time Ben channels his inner Sting and tells Horse gUrl they are going to write a message in a bottle. SENDING OUT AN SOS. SENDING OUT AN SOS. SENDING OUT AN SOS.

Ben closes out the letter by promising to always be truthful and honest.
Ummm...that's the same thing, Ben!
Being truthful means you're being honest, idiot.

Did we discuss that this promise to be truthful and honest was an ETERNAL PROMISE? ETERNAL. He said the word ETERNAL.

I cannot roll my eyes any further back in my head right now.

Emily gets the next one-on-one date and she gets a plane.
Haters gonna hate, honey.

Ben meets Emily on the runway and they get on some bikes and they both have on OPEN-TOED shoes. Do they not have parents who love and care about them? The number one rule in bike riding is to always wear closed-toe shoes (and a helmet, too, I guess). I mean, come on! My dad would be so mad at me if he knew I was riding a bike around in sandals.

I think I heard Ben say "easy-peasy," but I'm not sure. I'm pretty concerned about their footwear.

Oh, hoop it up, home gUrl, hoop it up!

Then, they they walk around barefoot.

How convenient that that guy can take them lobster diving? Perfect. That Ben! He's so spontaneous. That was totally his idea. Totally his idea.

I imagine Emily was humming "Under the Sea" to herself the whole time she was lobster diving.

The Model is crying again and talking about Ben "having her back." Hey, Model, this isn't a high school basketball team. Be a regular person.

We hit up the lobster dinner and Emily avoids Ben's question about going home by talking about The Model, but then comes back and says she's ready to take Ben home. She thinks her family will love him. I think that could be true, but they don't know about his naked time with The Model in Puerto Rico. OOPSIES!

"I know people who are smart don't like to be called smart all the time." -- Ben, to Emily

Courtney gets the next one-on-one date.
Kacie B. breaks out of her shell and drops the "F" bomb.
You go, gUrl.

People really don't like The Model.
Everyone is going off.
I bet they'd feel differently about her if she was a Lane Bryant model.

Ben and The Model hit up a temple that is "climbing towards the sun."

Isn't Ben's tote bag just the cutest?
I love that all that ever ends up at these "picnics" is champagne or wine.
What's more refreshing after a hike than some almost chilled champagne?

Could Ben be sweating any more than he his?
I bet he's dehydrated. I'm worried.

The Model is ready to dump her feelings on Ben. Ben then brings up the Dentist. Finally! It's been almost an hour and he hasn't mentioned her once.

"I'm a weird guy." --Ben
See: boring. 

Ben is ready to meet her family.
I am, too.

The two idiots sit down for dinner and they are still sweating.
The Model is rambling about something AND only speaking in cliches (shocking).

"I believe in soul mates." --Ben
If you were my soul mate, I'd kill you and end up on a Dateline special episode.

Was The Model in a gang once?
Kill shot? Really?
What in the hot hell made her like this?

The Model starts real talkin' about the other "ladies" to Ben. She calls them boring and exhausting and then tells Ben that she doesn't have gUrl friends. Red flag! The conversation got really weird and really concerning. How about that face from Ben when she just said she had a lot of guy friends? Bingo!

"One of my fears is being with a woman that I like, but other people don't." --Ben
Preach, son. 

The three-on-one date begins at 4am.
That's my type of date!

The sun was up by the time they finally got out there.
What the what?

"We're going to be doing something on the water." --Rachel
Really? She said that as she was on a boat. 
What was your clue, gUrl?

Ben and the "ladies" are going shark diving! Eeeeeeeek! (SHOUT OUT TO MY gUrl, TAMARA JAN!)

Basically, Nicki and Kacie go on the date alone while Ben attends to Rachel. Smooth move, Rachel. Well played. Well played.

The shark dive is over and Ben pulls Rachel aside. He asked some interesting questions.
I would ask why she has so many unnecessary piercings. Somebody went to Claire's a lot during junior high!

Nicki wants to take Ben back to Hurst.
If I end up in the Mid-Cities with a man-- he's probably not the one.
(These two sentences are strictly for DFW-ers.)

The floral arrangement in Kacie's hair is distracting.
It looks like there is a bee pollinating in it/on it.

Kacie tells Ben she's falling in love with him.
Sad, sad gUrl.

Kacie B. gets the rose for wearing her heart on her sleeve!
She had on a swimsuit! No sleeves!

The three-on-one takes a dangerous turn and the gUrls tell Ben to be cautious about The Model.


The gUrls are talking about how hard it will be to leave because, mainly, they have made some really strong friendships.

The Model is most sad about leaving her pina colada.

Emily was having such a hard time during the discussion period that she had to hold Kacie's hand throughout it.

Chrissy Poo appears and we learn that there's no cocktail party!
Shots, shots, shots, shots!

I really think The Model might be on some type of illegal substance. Nothing real serious, but definitely something mind-altering.

Ben stops the rose ceremony to discuss some BS with The Model.
I'm really not sure what he accomplished with this because he didn't seem to really ask a ton of questions, she just BS'ed her way through it by saying something about, "Put yourself in my shoes..." And then it was just kind of over and he was fine.

The shot of Nicki saying, "50/50" was one of my favorite moments of television ever.

ONE ROSE LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Model gets the rose.
Zero surprises there.

What's so interesting is that the other gUrls still don't know that The Model and Ben have seen each other naked and likely have done the duRRty. That's why she got the rose. He ain't playin' around here, folks.

Rachel cried a little, said she felt rejected.
Probably how her left ear felt.
Her right ear got all of the attention with that giant peacock feather.

The Model waved with her rose as Emily walked away.
Emily mostly held it together.
I really hope she remembers that she's a PhD student and much, much better off for this not working out.

You know what's crazy?
The Model saying the people on this show are boring and exhausting.
I couldn't agree more!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

valentine's day holiday gift guide.

internetS, we're a mere five days away from the most well-loved (you see that?) holiday ever... VALENTINE'S DAY.

Where, traditionally, Valentine's day is a day for lovers, it's also just a great time to express love in general. And what's the most appropriate way to express love and adoration without stalking or harming a person? GIFTS. 

I've done the work for you.
Let's dance like it's a 7th grade theme party!

What? DVD copy of "The St. Valentine's Day Massacre"
Why? Well, to be fair this is my favorite massacre. Ever heard the song, "The Night Chicago Died?" Hard not to love Valentine's Day if you're listening to that on repeat. (SHOUT OUT TO MY BROSEF)

What? Cupid & Psyche Wall Frieze
Why? Just look at it! Does everything really need an explanation? But, if I must: this frieze is depicting  the triumph of two lovers granted immortality and the promise of endless bliss. Besides someone to split the '2 for $20' with us at our neighborhood Applebee's, isn't that all we're really looking for-- the promise of endless bliss?

What? Flowers Shaped like Puppies
Why? I can't think of a better way to express puppy love. (I really nailed that one.)

What? Picture Heart Crystal
Why? Some photos are just that great and need to be frozen into a custom made crystal that's sure to not ever go out of style. Plus! It's exquisitely personal. 

What? Antique Rose Ruffled Pajamas
Why? Really, the reasons are endless: why buy actual roses that die, when you can buy rose-printed pajamas that won't ever die? Did I mention that they are just downright sexy? 

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

the bachelor :: ben : epi 6.

"Panama baby!"
Any episode that starts like this is bound to be nothing but miserable and likely, unbearable.

Of course, Ben is driving a big Jeep through Panama City like he's in a '90s teen romantic comedy. And of course his hair looks like an ape's butt crack. How has nobody stepped in to discuss that with him?

Ben delivers the date card to the gUrls and Kacie B. gets the date and is invited to "pack three things." What would you pack? I'd bring my Bible, a can opener and probably some tequila. That would just be for normal. If I had to pack three things to spend the day with Ben: I'd go with tequila, a pillow and some DVDs. He's so boring. Maybe just three bottles of tequila. Game time decision.

Oh. A helicopter.

The heli drops them off on a deserted island and we see that Kacie packed a monkey(??????), a wine opener and some candy. And they just giggled their little asses off after revealing what they each packed. THEN, they chopped down some coconuts, then they tried to fish, then Ben beat the shit out of a coconut, then he set the coconut on fire. And accomplishing that together meant "they could probably do anything." Marriage is definitely on the horizon for these two idiots. LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER.

The two stranded lovers sit down to dinner and start discussing "day-to-day" things. Kacie B. is super interesting. One of six things she mentioned she liked was, "going to the grocery store." Who likes to go to the grocery store? I go to Kroger 7 times a week and I don't like it. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell people it was an interest of mine.

Rachel is the opposite of excited for her two-on-one date.
gUrl, we should start a club. I am not excited either.

We head back to the date and Kacie tells Ben she doesn't relate to people her age and then tells her that she used to have an eating disorder. I don't know what eating disorders have to do with relating to people her age. I would think that if you were in your late teens when you were struggling with that, you could probably relate to a lot of gUrls. Maybe she's an "old soul" and really enjoys jazz and black and white silent movies and corsets or something. Or maybe she's being kind of dramatic because she didn't want to tell Ben that she had an eating disorder so she prefaced it with, "I don't relate to people my own age."

"On a scale of 1 to wonderful, today was fantastic." --Kacie
Mathematically that doesn't work, sweetie. 

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

"I don't need a woman who enjoys jungled rivers." --Ben
That's probably good. I'm not sure that's an actual thing. 

The Model is "just over" her third group date.
I'm over her. It works out in the end.

"We're in the middle of the rain forest and it's raining." --Casey S. 

The "ladies" hit up a village with Ben and lots of small children in loin cloths roll out.

Ben put on a loin cloth.
It wasn't even cute in a weird way.

Everyone is pissed that The Model took her top off. Shocking.
Ben appreciated it. Of course.
Ben, we're really seeing your true colors here, buddy. You are making your mother and sister super proud.

The tribal members show them how to paint tribal tattoos.
The Model is super sneaky and put "B + C = &<3" It was less than impressive to Emily, who faked throwing up upon seeing it.

The gUrls and the tribe partake in a dance. The Model quoted "My Best Friend's Wedding," proving she may have moves we've never seen, but she does not have a single original thought in her head. Original moves, no original thoughts.

He's never been so sad.

GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben tells Lindzi that she's super cool and easy going. He's blocking out the horses. Has to be.
"Loves horses" at age 27, when you're not a horse trainer is not something that belongs in the "super cool" category.

"I don't believe in fighting." --Lindzi
But, it exists. So, you have to believe in it. 

"I like to see the softer side to you." --Ben
Like Sears!!!!!!

The two of them are kind of cute, in the way that I could care less that they like each other type of way.

We get official word that Blakeley and Rachel are going on the two-on-one.
One stays, one goes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the group.
Ben said skinny-dipping was "memorable."

"You're assertive." -- Ben, to The Model
Meaning: thank you for always getting naked for me. 

The Model wants to "feel special."
So, that explains the daddy issues. Her father never made her feel special.
How did she end up being a model and not a stripper? She must have a decent mother?

The Model invited Ben to her room.
And people, that's what desperate looks like.

That one gUrl, what's her name? Yeah. She has on glitter eye shadow.

The Model decides to go for a dip in the pool while Glitter Eye Shadow gUrl is just chit-chatting away.
I'm trying to recall if I've ever seen something so staged on television before. And in the end, The Model wins. But, really-- women everywhere lose: that Model is a desperate skank that seeks validation from males in not healthy ways and that other gUrl had GLITTER EYE SHADOW on.

Ben pulls Emily aside and they gigggggggggggggggggled and smiled and giggled.

Emily tries to apologize to The Model. The Model "respects" it, but again, The Model goes with the, "you shit in your own hat with me," retaliation and that's that.

"It is what it is." -- The Model
Original thought.

Ben gives Horse gUrl the rose. The Model is pissed because she basically got naked and to her that means rewards. Again, COURTNEY'S DAD, ARE YOU OUT THERE?

Two-on-one date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blakeley versus Rachel.
One stays, one goes.
I wish they'd all go.
Somewhere. Anywhere.

The trio heads to a salsa club, that's a bar and Rachel calls it "beautiful."
The missing Williams sister (of Serena and Venus) is teaching them salsa.

Ben isn't a terrible dancer, but that's because I'm comparing him to a blind penguin.

"Sexy hips! Sexy hips! That's all I'm doing." --Blakeley
Shakira! Shakira!

"I think she uses her sexuality with Ben a lot and I don't know why." -- Rachel, about Blakeley
Really? You don't know why? I know zero things about boyZ and I can tell you exactly why she's doing it. 

In a sad twist, we see what the Panamanian education system is like because the dance teacher just kept yelling, "1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7!" on repeat. : (

The trio leaves the "beautiful" bar and heads to dinner.

Rachel and Ben have a "little chat," followed by some tender kisses!
Is her voice deeper than his?

"I don't know what the hell I'm going to do." --Ben
I would just get the hell outta there, Benny Boo. Just run. 

Blakeley is more nervous than she's ever been before.
So, clearly, she's led a sad life.
Has she never had a dance recital? Been way too invested in a college football game? Flown over a giant body of water? Sang in public? Nothing? This is the most nervous, ever?

Oh, the psycho card is out. We all saw this one coming.
Blakeley made a book for Ben.
When do these people have time to craft?

Side note: Anybody got Blakeley's Pinterest account name???????

Rachel gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blakeley storms out, she cries and tells Ben she still cares about him very much. VERY MUCH. SHE CARES SO MUCH THAT SHE MADE A SCRAPBOOK.
You could probably see her fingernail polish from outer space. So bright!

Chrissy Poo rolls in and needs to talk to Casey S.
Chris confronts her about Michael, her boyfriend back home.
Her ex-boyfriend back home?

"I don't know, maybe I should be in therapy or something." --Casey S. 

This is the weirdest conversation ever. Basically, Chrissy Poo makes her walk through the hotel without shoes (DISEASES), and then makes her go to Ben's room and spill the beans! She sat on Ben's white couch with grocery store feet while telling Ben she's not completely over Michael? I mean, I think that's what happened.

"I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me." --Casey S. 
In most cases, it doesn't really work like that anyway. Typically, people who don't want to marry you, don't marry you. And I'm speaking from personal experience. 

She is not very clear, but by the end of it Ben suggests that she go home. 

It was the most drama free confrontation on this show ever.

I mean, honestly? This is the only drama they could bring in from the real world? An EX-boyfriend that a gUrl is still somewhat, kind of pining over? NEXT!

I have seen more upsetting things happen on an episode of "Blue's Clues."

Is that a silk chambray jumper she has on?
What's a 'trading clerk'?
She's an ugly crier. Way to keep it real, sister.

Ben takes a moment to reflect on the situation by checking out the brown water outside of his hotel.
I think this may be our first, "look out over something" ponder moment of the season.
Shit is getting real.

Chrissy Poo gives a speech about "being open to finding love."

I mean, they just put her in that van. No questions asked.
Baby gUrl didn't even get to put her damn shoes back on!


Nicki and Ben could be brother and sister.

Nicki just talks, Ben barely listens. Then, they danced and giggled.

"I need to show him that I'm a woman." --GLITTER gUrl
I mean...

So, Glitter gUrl just talks. And talks. And talks. I understand the whole, "I talk fast when I'm nervous" thing, but I mean...she just put her foot in her mouth over and over again. She talks about the things she wants to do to Ben, then talks about surprises.

Then, well, Glitter gUrl got real.
I think her dress split. Then, she wouldn't shut up.

"I don't want to be fancy with anyone unless I trust them." --Glitter gUrl
I feel the same way, GG, but... I don't think straddling a man on television is in the 'fancy' category. But, we must classify 'fancy' differently, obviously. 

Things just got really terrifying, especially when Glitter gUrl tried to coach Ben into kissing her. I felt like I was watching a TLC special. Eventually, Ben quit.

gUrls across the globe squirmed in second-hand embarrassment and dads everywhere sent their daughters text messages of validation and exhortation. Hopefully.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One "lady" is going home.
I wonder who!!!!!!!!!!!! (JOKE)

Rachel looks like she spent all night at a frat house.
And not in the good way.
Which, I actually don't think there is a good way to spend all night at a frat house.

Glitter gUrl is taking her shy, fast-talking self home tonight!
But, I learned her name! It's JAMIE!

She's one level above Casey S. though. She got to go home with BOTH shoes on! Go on with your bad self, sista gUrl!

"I'm definitely scared of love." -- Glitter gUrl
It's more scared of you. I promise. 

Ben gives a pep talk to the remaining "ladies" and assures them that he thinks his wife is still in the room. Then, he tells them they are headed to Belize. I guarantee you, not one of those gUrls could tell you where Belize is on a map. Most of them acted like they had never really heard of Belize, even. Nicki was pretty excited. I'm guessing that's where she went on her first honeymoon?

After thoughts: There's a lot to say about this epi. But, really... it's just sad. Mostly, it's sad that these "ladies" (the majority of them) think they have to get dirRty to get Ben's attention and where that's probably true on some level, it's not necessary. I really hope these gUrls' parents do not have cable or television of any sort. I can only imagine the shame my father would feel if I acted the way these gUrls do. 

Emily's rap was pretty incredible. Mad props to her.

Friday, February 3, 2012

abc family.

Dear ABC Family Executives,

Listen, I'm not claiming to know how to run a television network or even how to like, run a family, but your 'family' network needs some work.

Let's start at the beginning, your tagline goes something like this, "ABC Family-- a new kind of family." I am assuming (yes, I'm an ass, you're an ass) that you are taking that very literally. As in, you think families should be full of liars, pregnant teenagers, babies living with the wrong family for years, secrets and fashionable liars? Comparing that to my family, it doesn't stand up. I mean, I'm sure there was a lot of lying going on at one point or another, but nothing that involved being pregnant or stealing a baby or having a job as a fashion executive or playing games about lying. I don't have a family of my own, so maybe I'm out of the loop on what "new kind of family" means. Growing up, I kind of thought it meant a broken home?

Call me crazy, ABC Family, but I don't think your channel is all that devoted to families!

Last weekend you showed the movie "Pretty Woman." You know what the premise of that movie is? Well, (spoiler alert!) it's about a prostitute finding love. Do you know what a prostitute is? Yeah, not the most family-friendly profession, eh?

I have to be super honest here: I don't really watch your channel, but every few Saturdays or so, I find myself watching a movie or something on it. So, maybe I'm missing some of the super family friendly shows and I've got it all wrong, but based on what I've seen (or seen commercials for) I think you should reconsider the name of your network.

I'll leave you with some ideas. These are free.

ABC Pregnancy Scares
ABC Lying Liars
ABC Shit Show Family
ABC Lying Family of Vampires
ABC Family Therapy
ABC Family Drama (Because my Teenager Daughter is a Whore)
ABC Baby Mama Drama
ABC Fam-damily

Just some ideas!
Use 'em or don't.

Thanks for reading,

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