(d)evolve.

I don't want to make assumptions here (because we'll both end up an asshole), but isn't it safe to assume that the majority of people go through life trying to be a better person with each passing day? Most people are always looking to improve their current situation, right?

This is very true for me. I always want to be better, always want to be growing. I'm just really into general, overall improvement. 

Enter my problem.

I'm quickly approaching 30 years of age and evaluating my past years with a certain amount of scrutiny. Upon evaluation I'm starting to notice that I've either devolved as a human OR haven't changed a single fraction. 

"Is this possible," I've asked myself lately over a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Is it really possible to work at being a better version of your 6th grade self, yet you're still sitting somewhere with your hair in half of a ponytail eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes with your legs covered in bruises? Just like you were 16 years ago?

Let's evaluate. 

 (L) 29 (R) 6

Loafers with shorts, awkward pose, clearly no idea what to do with my hands. 

Conclusion: No clear change

  (L) 13 (R) 29

Way too excited about books no one my age should be excited about. Seriously, what 13-year-old is SO interested in Anne Frank that she asks for more than one book about her for their birthday? Not pictured, is another book my grandmother got me about her for this birthday, as well. 

This last Christmas I got a book about James Monroe. James Monroe. 

Conclusion: No clear change

 (L) 11 (M) 5 (R) 25

We've got basically the same weird smile in each photo, but if you pay attention to the outer photos you'll see I'm essentially wearing the EXACT same outfit. Shorts that aren't great and a white Polo shirt. Got the hair in a pony and the arms! The arms. 

Conclusion: No clear change 

  (L) 4 (R) 26

Fake glasses, head tilt, collared shirt.

Conclusion: Minor evolution, quit wearing Lacoste after this photo.

  (L) 12 (R) 26

Animal wrapped in a blanket and a way too big smile on my face. 

Conclusion: DEVOLVED. 

Why? The fact that either of these photos exist is reason enough.

 (L) 5 (R) 29

Hands in the pockets, button-down shirt, big smile.

You can't see my feet in the photo on the right, but naturally, I'm wearing loafers and I can guarantee you my left foot is doing the exact same thing it's doing on my first day of kindergarten. 

Conclusion: No clear change

on being older.

I go through different phases throughout the week where, at times, I feel really old and out of place in my normal life or where I feel young and normal and like I could've been in college 2 years ago.

Joke's on me. I graduated from college 7 years ago.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a Nelly concert in a different state with two strangers. I use the word 'stranger' (SHOUT OUT TO NANNY) (AND DIDDY) in a very casual sense because, is there any real such thing as an actual 'stranger' these days? I mean, with the internetS and all? Not only did I attend a Nelly concert, but I dressed up in some extremely ridiculous clothes and went to a Nelly concert. I enjoyed each and every second of the concert and the events prior and following, but I couldn't help but think, "Is this what 29-year-olds do?"

And is it? Was I being spontaneous because I am 29 or because I am 29.

How do you know how old you're supposed to be? If I didn't have a copy of my birth certificate I would guess I'm not 29, but that's only because for church on Sunday, every single item of clothing I put on my body was picked up off of the floor of my room. Surely, other 29-year-old women are not participating in an activity like this?

Is there a manual on getting older and acting your age? Not your perceived age, but your actual age? Like, should I be as into loafers as I am? Or should that come later in life? Am I at the correct age to be really interested in typography? And did I skip all the ages where crafts (and other shit) should consume my time? Is it okay to only brush your hair on Saturday?

Is there a way to figure any of this out other than just getting older and figuring it out? If you don't figure it out does that mean you're dead or just no longer living?

How do you know if you're just a complete and total weirdo and no, you aren't like any other 29-year-old and it is absolutely not okay to go to the grocery store on a Sunday and only buy beer and Frosted Flakes.

Is it normal to only buy beer and Frosted Flakes at any age?

Exactly.

the bachelor :: sean : final rose.

The lead-in for this epi is being called an "event."  AN EVENT.
Things that are events: The Final Four, an opening at an art gallery, NASCAR, graduation

Things that are 3 hours long: a car ride to Austin, a wedding reception, a Sunday afternoon nap
Things that should not be 3 hours long: THIS.

Chrissy Poo just called this an "historic" event.
HISTORIC?

Things that are historic: elections, filibusters, non-elective surgeries that save a life, game-winning shots, something that's never happened before EVER

Not historic: THIS.

-----

We make it to Thailand and a shit ton of doves fly out of a tree and Sean walks behind an elephant while calling the country, "the most beautiful country I've ever seen." This guy can't make up his mind.

EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL.
(Which, I guess is better than him looking out over the landscape and saying, "This place is kind of shitty and smells like sad should smell.")

Sean is SO READY for his family to arrive. How did those kids make it on that long of a flight? NOT A 3-HOUR FLIGHT.

Sean's nephew got the visit started off in a real sweet way by screaming, "Emily didn't pick you!" and we all laughed. HOW SILLY.

Sean then described CathyCat and himself as "weird and funny" and that's why it works. What's so weird and funny about him? He's the least weird and funny human to ever be on television this much.

CathyCat arrives and she's a ball of nerves. She's gotta make a good first impression, so she wore her best bathing suit cover-up.

Sean's niece went straight for the hug. Bold.

They sat down for dinner and toasted with water. Which, I think means something bad. CathyCat reveals that she played football in 6th grade and suffered a broken arm.

The most surprising thing she's learned is that, she "never knew she wanted to be with someone like Sean." SOMEONE LIKE SEAN.

Meaning, what?! A half-way decent human? White? Someone super silly and weird?

Sean's mom pulls Cathy aside and asked zero hard questions. She totally froze up! She even told her she'd be a great addition to the family.

BORED.

Daddy Jay (DJ) sat her down and asked if she "believed in the Bachelor process?" That's a thing? It's not a thing.

CathyCat said that Sean is "so good" that she's consumed by him. I don't even know what that means.

"I'm excited to have a best friend for love." -- CathyCat
I guess this is a thing!

DJ's speech to Cathy was real sweet. In a real way. But, then he said his son-in-law was his best friend, so does that mean that Sean's mom isn't his best friend? I thought we only married BFFs around here?????????????????????????

Cathy's face during the whole thing was pretty priceless. And also sad. You could tell she's never had positive affirmation like that from a male before.

These two are going to get Starbucks so hard together! Bass Pro Shop in Grapevine better watch out! Best friends coming through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I can see us on a Saturday afternoon eating lunch, the six of us together." -- Sean
I counted eight people.
: (
No kids allowed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Although I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife, as well." -- Sean
(GRAMMAR, AS WELL, BE DAMNED, EQUALLY, TOO.)
BEST FRIENDS ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only six people at that lunch!
Not seven!
And definitely not nine!

-----

It's time for Lindsay's arrival to the family (NOT fantasy) suite.

There's a lot of plaid going on. Plaid shirts, plaid shorts, PLAID.

We are 18 minutes in and on day 2 of this shit show and Sean has not worn his coral shorts yet. : (

Lindsay's a little nervous and a little dressed up. She brought two gifts.
Niece went straight for the hug. Again.
gUrl just gives those hugs away. It's not even hard to get a hug from her.

"There's not any monkeys in Missouri, huh?" --DJ
"Just me!" --Lindsay
Gigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegiggle.
What a silly answer!

gUrl, you just called yourself a monkey.
: (

Mom and Sister break the news that they know Lindsay showed up the first night in a wedding dress. Which, they said they liked... but, no that can't be true, because CRAZY.

Also, is she drunk? And I don't mean drunk on love.

DJ, who is totally owning that hot pink under shirt, pulls Lindsay aside and exclaims by lowering his voice, "I got some questions for you!" But, he lets her sit where ever she wants. Meaning, the chair on the left or the right. What a sweet man!

DJ, again, goes for the, "how do you that you're truly in love with someone BEFORE you marry them" question.

"I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life." -- Lindsay
Oh. 

Then, her next answer had the word "prayer" in it. So, she wins.

DJ tells Lindsay that he's been praying for her (or Sean's future wife) since the day Sean was born. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

TWIST!
Lindsay asked DJ for Sean's hand in marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that not like, THE SILLIEST?!

"Oh my! Now, what do we do?" -- DJ, on Sean's predicament
My best idea is to change the channel!

Sean's mom wants him to end up with someone who has the same values as him: Crossfit/Paleo.

Lindsay starts crying. Mom is NOT crying. She just ushers her out of the conversation.

"I'm glad my family got to see just how much she loves me." --Sean
Translation: she's obsessed with me and I'm super into that and I'm glad my family saw it.

"Bye, baby." -- Lindsay
No. Nope. No. 

Then, for the 87th time in 26 minutes, Sean says he could marry either one of them and be happy forever. He wants his family to help him decide.

SHAKES HIS HEAD.

-----

Sean sits down with his fam and he just wants some clarity.

"It's a win-win!" -- DJ
Dad, there is such a thing as being TOO encouraging. 
This would be it. 

Mom is having a tough time with all of this. She's clearly the level-headed person around here. Dad acts on emotions, Mom sees through the bullshit! I have a feeling she's not as into holding hands as Sean wants us to believe.

Sean's just walking around Thailand without any shoes. Dangerous.

His heart is on the line and now he's going to get tetanus IN THAILAND.
If there's anywhere I don't want to go to hospital, it's in Thailand (and Mexico, and Africa and really, anywhere outside of a nice metropolitan area in the United States).

Mom's crying. Sean's trying to get her not to stress.
Blahblahblahblahblah.

Sean's like, SO MAD, that his family couldn't help him make this decision.
He heads out to the porch to check out the scenery and think about his situation.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO.

-----

Final date time!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean packed his frat tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't love it paired with those shorts. Well, don't love it in general. But, yeah.

Lindsay went pretty next level with her outfit, too.
Pretty sure she got both pieces at the local Thai TJ Maxx.
She's a Maxxinista!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last place in the world I'd want to go to a TJ Maxx: Thailand (and, honestly, anywhere in Oklahoma).

So, the two of them are taking a scenic cruise down the world's scariest/dirtiest river, while drinking champagne. This ain't the Mississippi Queen, y'all. I feel like they should be bathing in hand sanitizer right now. They could easily be in Louisiana. I don't know. How am I supposed to know?

What if that boat broke? It does NOT look reliable.

Things that are not reliable: that boat, babies, dogs

"I really do feel like he's my best friend!!!!!!!!!!" -- Lindsay
Would all of these gUrls be so obsessed with the BFF thing if he wasn't? 
I say no. 
And, that's a FIRM no. 

Could you ever take a guy seriously dressed like this?

"I can picture you being a hot old chick." -- Sean
OH. 
Swoon. 
NO. 

Then, she mumbled, "Iloveyou."

BABY VOICE.
KILL ME.

Alone time at the Hilton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby gUrl busted out some wine and some chips and salsa.
Kidding, no chips and salsa. That's a dream world and this is television.

They say "thank you" to each other and then make out.

Then, somethingsomethingREMEMBERTHATsomethingIREMEMBERTHAT.

"His kisses just tell me it all...that's why we're always kissing." -- Lindsay
: (

Lindsay has something special for SeanBoy.
It's a trash sack!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. No, it's those stupid ass lanterns.
Come on, Bachelor.
SEEN IT.

Fast forward.
BORED.

Oh, they need three things in their relationship to last forever: family, love, happiness
: (

Respectfully, I disagree.

WHAT ABOUT CONFLICT RESOLUTION?
WHAT ABOUT A JOINT-CHECKING ACCOUNT?
WHAT ABOUT gUrl TIME?
WHAT ABOUT A KING-SIZE BED?
WHAT ABOUT CLEAR COMMUNICATION ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY PLANS WITH BOTH FAMILIES?
WHAT ABOUT NOT SHARING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT?
WHAT ABOUT SHARING THE SAME FAITH?
WHAT ABOUT NOT WEARING TANK TOPS?

(Granted, I'm not married, so I don't actually know. But, I know married people.)

-----

Sean woke up the next morning a little stressed out.
You know what stresses me out?

THOSE SHORTS.

Where in Dallas does one even buy those?
Gosh, I hope he got them on the internetS.
I don't need to see those around town anytime soon.

CathyCat rolls up and she, too, hit up the local TJ Maxx.

"I got to touch an elephant yesterday." -- CathyCat
Not something you hear every day. Or every year. 

Instead of a helicopter, they take an elephant to their next destination.
Kind of cool, but also, helicopters are cool.

"It's the most scenic view I've ever seen in my life." -- Sean
You can tell this guy is from Dallas and went to school in Kansas. 

Cuddle time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, if I just sat on an elephant for that long, I'd just want to take a shower.

Cathy got dem hoopz on!!!!!!!!!

"You're never going to forget this." -- Sean
Well, how do you know that, Sean?
Sometimes, people forget!!!!!!!!!

Cathy HAS to tell Sean how she feels.
So, she invites him over to the Hilton for some cuddle-buggin'.

Cathy has kept it on lock all season. She's not playing it safe, she's keeping her game tight. But, tonight's the night.

If you want to get a vague description of a situation just talk to this gUrl.
Damn.

Cathy wants, desperately, to be emotional all the time.
SAY HUH.

She's nervous. There's so much on the line. They've grown so much together. They are comfortable being themselves. She's so comfortable. His family blew her mind.

GAH. She might as well send a text. She hasn't said anything.

"I feel a lot." -- Cathy
You feel a lot... of...what?

"I know who you are." -- SeanBoy
Well, that's reassuring!

I'm still not 100-percent sure that she said anything of any subsistence.

"I never thought I'd be in this situation." --Sean
Oh. Really? 
AGAIN. 
Someone explain this show to these people. 

Cathy thinks all of her relationships have failed in the past because she has said, "I love you" first.
: (

Sean grabs her ass as they are hugging goodbye and she whispers, "Sean, I love you."
WHAT AN HISTORIC MOMENT.
(zing!)

"This is pain. This is painful." -- Cathy
NAILED IT. 

Cathy is crying and she chases SeanBoy down the hallway (outside sidewalk?). All Sean says is, "what's the matter? You had fun today, right?" Talk about reassuring!

Cathy is so frustrated. She can't handle it. She needs more.

TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put it back on lock, gUrl.
I can't even handle you right now.
Reel all of this shit in.

She cries herself to sleep.
Kind of like me, after watching this.

-----

Sean takes a shower and then puts some lotion on.
HE USES A BEACH TOWEL TO DRY OFF.
Seriously. Largest towel ever.
It's like he went to one of those Wings stores by the beach and got the largest white towel they had in stock. Maybe it's a blanket.

Sean takes his freshly-showered self to the balcony to recap the gUrls and think about his upcoming decision.

Sean finally puts some clothes on and NEIL LANE SHOWS UP.
Guys, Neil Lane used to be somebody.

Sean picks out a ring.
Takes his shirt off again.
Puts another shirt on.

Sean feels like he's never felt before.
He's about to dedicate his life to "this wonderful woman."

TEARS.
TEARS.

Who buys this guy's ties?
: (

Lindsay went to the local Thai Burlington Coat Factory and bought a prom dress.

She cannot believe this has happened.
It's what she's always wanted.
Her whole life is going to change.

Cathy can't wrap her head around today.
It's scary.
She wants to be excited, but it's very overwhelming.

THE EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is so ready for this moment.

"I feel like this has been the most magical journey of my life." -- Cathy
Clearly, she's never been to Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld!!!!!!!!

Sean takes his spot next to 27 GIGANTIC vases on a mini dock overlooking a Koi pond.
Classic Bachelor proposal spot.

-----

SORRY.
SKIPPED THE AUDIENCE BS.
BECAUSE LIFE AND OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES.

-----

PROPOSAL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean didn't know it would be this tough to say goodbye.

Here comes that Mitsubishi, boy!!!!!!!
Better stop crying and get your shit together.

Lindsay is first.
: (

FOOT TATTOO LIKE WHAT.
Like, what the hell kind of Saturday night was she having for that to happen?

"Hi, tattoo artist, I'd like the largest gothic anchor you can fit onto my foot."
"Are you a sailor?"
"A sailor?! Do I look like Huckleberry Finn, sir?!"
"Ok, but you know this is forever, right?"

We all know what's coming down the pipe for her, don't we?

"Come on in." -- Chris
IT'S A FIELD WITH A POND.

This journey has made Lindsay a strong, independent, secure woman.
I don't agree. That's the exact opposite of what this "process" does to people.

Sean starts off with, "you have been such a surprise."
Translation: you scared the shit out of me on the first night, but then I really liked making out with you, so I was like, WHAT OK.

THEY ARE BREATHING SO HARD.

"I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart's beating somewhere else." -- Sean
Wait. SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN YOUR CHEST CAVITY?
Sounds like a medical condition!

Lindsay immediately let go of Sean's hands.

SO MUCH BREATHING BEING PICKED UP BY THE MICS.

"I love you. That's the hardest part. I love you. I know I do." -- Sean
INAPPROPRIATE. 

"Was it me?" -- Lindsay
"I promise, it's not you." 
Um, baby gUrl, it's you. It's very clearly, YOU. 

"Well, I'm going to go." -- Lindsay
ZING!

Hugs.
HEELS COME OFF.
gUrl is DONE.

More awkward hugs.

gUrl is MAD.
MAD.

I've been dumped before. It's not fun.
But, I can't imagine being dumped in a prom dress.
As an adult.

That's about as low as it gets.

TEARS IN THE LIMO.

"I have felt this feeling 100 times. I feel like an idiot." -- Lindsay
She thought she was going to get proposed to 100 times?!
Dream life. 

"This is like, really sad." -- Lindsay
"In like, a sick and twisted way, I'm happy for them."
"I don't want to be alone."
It's all too much.

-----

Chris drops the letter off with SeanBoy.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.

The Producers are really going for an Emmy this season.
Sean starts to read the letter, THEN WE HEAR CATHY'S VOICE, TOO.

"You were deeply attractive." -- Cathy
I need an actual definition for that one. 

HERE SHE COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"All I want to do is move to Dallas..." -- Cathy
I said the same thing in 2006, baby gUrl. This place will suck you in AND TAKE YOUR SOUL. 
There's really no going back. 

Cathy is scared. Life is changing.
Blahblahblahblah.

"I don't want to say goodbye anymore. Catherine, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you 'I love you.'" -- SeanBoy
DROPS TO ONE KNEE. 

CATHY'S FACE.
I can't even.
Like.
This is a family blog.

HUGS.
Kisses.

Violin solo, piano in the background.
Heavy breathing.
Whispering.

"You look so handsome, you look so handsome." -- Cathy

IS THAT A HARP?
I THINK I HEARD A HARP.

CATHY GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY MY BEST FRIEND." -- Cathy
Best friend thatz a boy, right?
Or like, overall best friend?

They legitimately got on an elephant and rode off into the sunset.
And thatz that.

------

So, that took forever.

your questions answered.

Yesterday via Twitter, I posted this status/photo. I didn't think much of it and went on about my life and my all caps rant about Rand Paul's filibuster. Pretty normal day.

MY GOVERNMENT IS SO EMBARRASSING. ALMOST LIKE THIS PHOTO :: twitter.com/lncow/status/3…
— LNCow (@lncow) March 6, 2013

However, as the day winded down the photo was picking up steam and receiving a lot of attention/flack. I'd like to take this time to answer a few questions I received about the photo.

 

First off, the basics: This was taken in the year 2000 (10th grade) at Russellville High School's Colors Day (basketball homecoming) assembly. Every gUrl on the basketball team gets trotted out onto the court like a show dog in front of the entire school. This wouldn't be a problem, except we're talking about the gUrl's basketball team. 

The team makes its entrance before the actual Colors Day court. So, it's like: here are some gUrls, here are some really pretty gUrls. Pretty standard for high school. 

Also, at both RHS Homecoming and RHS Colors Day it's customary for members of the court to wear suits. Yes, we kept it very business casual in our teens. 

1. To my knowledge those are not my actual shoulders. I do believe they were built-in shoulder pads. 

2. That's a long jacket. I had a skirt on underneath the jacket. 

3. NO, I did not steal those shoes from a Pilgrim. And yes, I think they look fabulous with the white-ish tights (actually those are totally control-top pantyhose).

4. Thatz just a boy named Josh. He was on the boyZ basketball team. I remember he asked me what color my suit was, so he could wear a coordinating shirt. It also looks like we may have been wearing the same shoes. 

the bachelor :: sean : epi 9.

And then, there were three. At this point, SeanBoy could quit right now and implement his own version of 'Sister Wives'. There's a billion dollar spinoff idea, ABC. CASH MONEY, guaranteed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SeanBoy is in Thailand standing at the bow of a boat. He's dangerously close to jumping off. Or falling off. He's wearing flip-flops which are dangerous because those are not boating shoes and do not provide any stability for the feet, if he were to slip. This could all end in tragedy right here.

Sean, again, for the 17,897th time calls this place, "one of the most beautiful places in the world." He also says it is, "the south of Thailand." Which, I don't think is an actual place. I'm assuming he means south Thailand?

He then says there are "huge mountains coming out of the sea." No. Technically, it is the Malacca Strait. And he says the water is blue, but it's clearly green-ish. : (

We then have to sit through about 3 hours of Sean recapping his relationships with each of the ladies.

Fast forward.

Cool tank top though, right?
: (

Sean says is heart is torn and it is leading him in so many different directions. There's only one thing to do: get in the pool and sit at the edge and stare out over the landscaping and check out your own biceps every couple of seconds, too. It works every time! That's how I figure all of my shit out.

-----

Sean's first date in "the south of Thailand" is with Lindsay. Lindsay can't look at the scenery because Sean is soooooooooo gorgeous.

These two lovebirds are headed to the local market for some food and NEON BABY CHICKS. Easter came early in Thailand! Talk about over-commercializing a holiday.

Sean took Lindsay to this market to simulate what it would be like for the two of them to go grocery shopping in Dallas together. I live in Dallas and I occasionally go to the grocery store. Even the Kro-gay with terrible meat selection isn't this bad. So, what I am saying is: this is not like a grocery store in Dallas. Grocery stores in this town have valet parking. VALET PARKING. Sean probz shops at Whole Foods. That shit is expensive. Again, not anything like this market.

"I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart and that's what I am looking for in a marriage." -- SeanBoy
HOLD UP. Wait. Say who? Say when?
That is weird and inappropriate on so many levels. 
UNLESS YOU'RE STILL DATING YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART. 

They leave the market and head to the beach. They briefly discuss "settling down."

"You're the best friend that I've been looking for." -- Sean
: (
He doesn't have a best friend?!

They slip into their sexy-time swimsuits and feed some monkeys. Disgusting.

After getting some action in the Malacca Strait, they head to dinner by some old props from a musical about gay pirates (assumption; can't really be sure). If Lindsay wasn't distracted earlier, she'll be fine throughout dinner. I, on the other hand, would not be able to handle the blinking lights and the neon and the thought in the back of my head that, "MONKEYS CARRY AROUND DISEASES AND I WILL PROBZ DIE SOON."

Lindsay is "open" to moving to Dallas. She should rethink that. Make a pros and cons list, gUrl! I hope Sean can buy her a 3-series BMW soon or she'll never make it here. I bet he'll take her to that park over the freeway and be all, "LOOK AT THIS PARK. THERE'S A FOOD TRUCK. AND A BUILDING."

Lindsay is just seconds away from telling SeanBoy she loves him when, "all of sudden everything comes alive... and Thailand is all around us." Can't argue with that logic.

Baby gUrl has probz never seen an issue of National Geographic because she says this is, "the PRETTIEST thing" she's ever seen.

Chris Harrison, who could easily be the head of a high-class brothel at this point, sends these two kids an invitation to the fantasy suite. Zero hesitations involved. Fantasy suite it is!

Sean thinks Lindsay is funny AND compassionate AND that they could be best friends.

Short list of thingz I do with my best friends: talk about Hillary Clinton, talk about Beyonce, talk about dresses to wear to weddings, talk about the Kardashians, paint nails, bake stuff, talk about Corgi dogs, look at pictures of kittenz, borrow jewelry, send pictures of shoes to decide if I should or should not buy them, go to the mall, copy/paste quotes from blogs into e-mails and giggle, sing along to Celine Dion, tease our hair, talk about boyz. 

Thatz just a short list and I only see one to ZERO thingz I could do with a man on that list and I wouldn't like to do them regularly with a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They shut the door to the suite.

-----

Itz now time for AshLee to get time with HER MAN. She's chosen a fun little layered number. A swimsuit, a tank top AND a crocheted smock? Sweater? Cover-up? Shirt? Baby dress? Blanket?

She calls Sean the "love of her life." It is just OVERWHELMING JOY, UNEXPECTED ADVENTUREZ AND FUN.

The boat sets out to sea and AshLee is still gushing about love, vulnerability, hearts and somethingsomethingsomethingIHOPEHEFEELSTHESAMEWAY.

Sean wants to challenge AshLee, so naturally he makes her swim through a cave to get to a private beach. THE WHOLE THING IS LIKE A DELETED SCENE FROM THE WORLD'S WORST SEQUEL TO "GOONIES" THAT PROBZ ONLY AIRED ON ABC FAMILY.

AshLee doesn't want to swim in the cave because she was adopted.
She thinks Sean might abandon her in that cave. She's not far off with that fear. I'd abandon her.

"I don't do caves." -- AshLee
Like, honestly? Who really does "do" caves? 
It's not exactly a thing. It's only kind of a thing.

They finally make it. It's life-changing for baby gUrl. She's let go and let God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE IS INSANE.

"I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I." -- AshLee
(First off: grammar.)
And! Really? 

Yes, there are two human beings that belong together more than you and SeanBoy. 

BEYONCE AND JAY-Z. Done and done. Your logic is out the window and I didn't even say BILL AND HILLARY. 


It's dinner time and Sean is picturing his life with AshLee. He has to be getting scared at this point. He could never love her as much as she loves him.

Sean asked AshLee why she's still single.
RUDE.

AshLee, being INSANE, calls it "a good question" and isn't offended at all.

"You know the qualities that I possess... and you know you want that...and I love that." -- Sean
Say how? 
Basically, he said, "YOU THINK I AM AWESOME AND PERFECT AND YOU LOVE ME AND I'M PRETTY INTO HOW OBSESSED YOU ARE WITH ME." 

AshLee goes on another diatribe about HOW IN LOVE (OBSESSED) SHE IS WITH SEAN.

Then, she starts talking about the fantasy suite. I honestly cannot tell if she's talking herself into staying or out of staying. Even if she says "no" to the invite she'd still totally end up at his room staring at him through the window all night so it doesn't matter what she says.

Baby gUrl says "yes," but only if "that boundary isn't crossed."

SomethingsomethingTRUSTsomethingEXPECTATIONSTRUSTsomethingsomethingCRAZYASS.

AshLee tells SeanBoy about the ring she wants and goes as far to tell him her ring size. BECAUSE THE SHOW'S PRODUCERS DON'T KNOW.

AshLee goes on and on and on about Sean healing her broken heart and spending her life with him and she'll do everything in her power to make sure he his happy FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. Even if she has to lock him in her basement, she will. make. him. HAPPY.

AshLee is absolutely the gUrl you date in junior high for 2 months and then she follows you to college and shows up at your kid's soccer game 12 years later and causes some real dramatic shit to go down.

This is a terrific Lifetime movie unfolding before our very eyes. 

-----

CathyCat has been missed. But, do they have the same life goals? (NO, Sean, you don't!)

They get on a "junk boat" and immediately quote 'Titanic'.
: (

They spend a solid 17 minutes talking about how weird Cathy is. Then, Sean says she could be his best friend.

BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy is/was super pissy with her sisters. She talks to her BEST FRIENDS more than she talks to her sisters. Her BEST FRIEND is married, so she can tell her anything.

Sounds like Cathy already has a best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy says she'd move to Dallas. FROM SEATTLE.
I bet she recycles. She's going to be pretty disappointed when/if she gets here.
Ain't nobody got time for the environment. 
RED STATE.

It starts lightning, so they get out of the water on to a boat and Sean goes TONGUE FIRST into about 17 minutes worth of kissing. How has no one ever told him to reign that tongue action in? Like. Come on.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean can totally see himself marrying Cathy. They will obviously be married in 5 years and they'd be super happy.

She keeps talking about being "super traditional" in relationships, which leads me to believe she's not traditional in other areas of her life? Like...she conditions before shampooing? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Cathy is clearly taking cues from someone else and tells Sean that she's not really, but is kind of, into the fantasy suite. She wants to be seen as a "lady" and not as someone "like that."

Basically she says, "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU, IF YOU'LL HAVE SEX WITH ME."

Sean just wants to watch YouTube videos all night with his "lady"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They get dat key to the suite and waste no time.

Cathy has obviously been very wounded by someone in her past. She's not confident at all in her looks or personality and it's just sad (real talk). To ease her pain, Sean says, "you're smoking hot." Eeeeeeek. You could've said it better, bud.

Cathy feels safe with Sean and she wants EVERYTHING WITH HIM. Including INTIMACY.

"When I look into his eyes, something visceral happens." -- CathyCat

vis·cer·al

adjective

1.

of or pertaining to the viscera.

2.

affecting the viscera.

3.

of the nature of or resembling viscera.

4.

characterized by or proceeding from instinct rather thanintellect: a visceral reaction.

5.

characterized by or dealing with coarse or base emotions;earthy; crude: a visceral literary style.

I know you were wondering.

Yes, Cathy may be the smartest gUrl to ever get this far into the Bachelor.

-----

Sean gets dressed and has his weekly sit-down/recap with Chrissy Poo. He KNOWS he's got to send a woman home. And he KNOWS which woman it will be.

HE ALSO KNOWS THIS WOMAN COULD MURDER HIM FOR LOVE.

Sean recalls when Emily sent him home.
: (
SO. We have Emily to blame for all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean knows this is going to be THE HARDEST THING HE HAS EVER DONE.
Like, get a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's rose ceremony time, but first baby boy gotz to check out those PRIVATEPERSONAL messages that we all get to watch because TECHNOLOGY.

Sean doesn't want to be confused any further.

ROLL THE TAPE.
No, pick up a photo!

Ok, now roll the tape!

There's a moment, just for a second, where Sean is thinking, what do I do with my hands?!
He opts for the "casually hanging by my side" look.

Linday's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.
Weak.

Cathy's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.

"Mega hunk."

"Whenever I thought about you, it gave me the wiggles."
That's a positive thing? JUST ASKING. I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Our relationship has completely evolved."
COMPLETELY?
Bold.

AshLee's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.
The music really perks up for this one.

"I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life."
Really? Like, go to the movies or something!

"I can't imagine ONE DAY without you."
Basement. Forever.

Tears.

"Together we are whole."
No.
Christ makes us whole (whole other blog post).

"I'm so emotional."
And bat shit crazy.

"...and for that...I will always love you."
Basement.

THE PRIVATEPERSONAL MESSAGES ARE OVER.

Seans needs to look out to the horizon. It's raining.

He needs to look at the photoz again.
The rain is fitting. It's depressing.
Sean is sad.
: (

Sean knows he's not supposed to be with her. The problem? SHE DOES NOT KNOW THAT.

We all know what's about to happen here.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris breaks everything down for the gUrls.
THERE ARE ONLY TWO ROSES. THERE ARE THREE OF YOU.
ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE.

Sean emerges in a suit, with a pocket square!
Spicy!

"I feel so blessed." --Sean
#soblessed

Somebody cusses.
BLEEP.

Lindsay gets the first rose.
And then, 46 minutes of silence.

Deep breath.
Deep breath.

Cathy gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee flees the scene like she kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
Ain't nobody got time for this shit! She's 34, son!
PEACE.

Sean wants to explain himself.
She is NOT interested in his explanation.
She only has time to figure out how to get to his hotel room and wait for him in the dark.

Baby gUrl gets in the SUV of Despair and drives off into the rain.

"This wasn't about laughter and joking." -- AshLee
You have made that VERY clear.
VERY.

Houston is not that far from Dallas.
This could get real ugly.

No tears in the car!
Good for her.

Keep that on lock, gUrl!
Keep it tight.

Spoke too soon.
TEARS.

Sean is so sad he sits in the rain next to a fountain.
That's so typical of him.

-----

And just like that, it's over.

the bachelor :: sean : epi 8.

Hometown dates!

This is one of the only episodes of this series that I watch and think, "what would it be like if I were there...?" LIKE, would they build a Chili's in Russellville just to give us something to do? Would we have to go to the city "park" and swing or something? If I was going to keep it real, our activity for the day would be a stroll through Wal-Mart and a trip to exit 101 and the liquor store! Zing!

Also, we could go to the lake and pretend like that's something people do.

-----

We start out with AshLee. She's wearing a cropped plaid button-down shirt. Yes, cropped. Cropped like, it's only half of an actual shirt. So. That's a thing.

AshLee has a really small dog. And she puts that dog on a leash. LIKE IT'S GOING TO RUN OFF.

AshLee takes Sean to a vacant lot with some really tall grass. She laid out a blanket and has some white wine there, too.

OMG. Holy crap! AshLee's dad is a pastor AND GUESS WHAT! SEAN'S DAD "DOES PREACH AT HIS CHURCH."

I have no idea what AshLee is talking about. She. talks. so. slow.
SomethingsomethingAMAZINGsomethingsomethingHANDSONTHIGHS.

SomethingsomethingWEIRDMUSICINTHEBACKGROUND.

"I love looking at you." -- AshLee, to Sean
Just. 

This gUrl's got it bad. Like. I don't know if she loves Sean or loves her family or hates herself.

AshLee says this is the most involved "with her soul" that she's ever been with a man. But, I have a feeling AshLee feels about Sean the same way I feel about pizza.

Pastor Dad asks AshLee and Sean where they've been and what they've done. AshLee starts crying. I think she started crying because she finally realized how her parents decided to spell her name makes her look like they did that on purpose. Which, they did. : (

After she was done crying she told her parents to forgive her for rolling around on the beach with SeanBoy. I'm kind of into that-- better tell them in person before they see it on TV! Points for baby gUrl!

Her mom on the other hand has heard ENOUGH. Hearts are fragile and rolling around in the sand is a sure-fire way to break a fragile heart. (I mean, yeah, if you roll on top of it! Zing!)

She asks Sean straight up, "Are you going to break her heart?"
Bold!

MamaBear tells Sean why AshLee has control issues. She's also drinking water out of a wine glass. All class at this place, people!

"I see that love is on the horizon." -- Sean, to AshLee's dad
NO. NO. NO. 

Sean asks Pastor Dad why he let AshLee get married at 17 and uses it as a segway into asking for her hand in marriage. IS THAT REALLY THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT?

"Hey, guy. Remember that time you let your 17-year-old daughter get married? Did you like that dude? Well, do you like me as much as you like him? Can I marry her, too?"

AshLee's dad tells a sweet story about adopting AshLee, but he says things in a weird way.

"Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life..." -- Pastor Dad
TAKES HER? 
Maybe...chooses her? Marries her? 
LOVES HER?

"It's not about me. It's about love." -- AshLee
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.

AshLee is in deep. Too deep.

She even called the day magical. Not once, but twice!

"There's pixie dust everywhere." -- AshLee
I'm guessing that's actually pollen. 

There's just not much else to say about that.

Honestly? I think baby gUrl is just ready to get out of Houston.

-----

SeanBoy hopped on a plane for his first trip to Seattle ever.

He's ready to have a great time no matter what. Rain or shine.

I'm pretty shocked to see that CathyCat takes him to Pike's Place Market IMMEDIATELY. (Not)

"Welcome to Seattle, DEAD FISH!!!!!!!!!"

Cathy likes the way Sean makes her giggle, but I'm going to call her out on that. She's clearly an easy laugh. She laughs at things that are NOT funny.

Sean catches some fish. I should note that he's wearing TWO v-necks and a tweed-ish blazer. I don't know what he read about Seattle before visiting, but this is when he should HAVE busted out at least one of his dozens of plaid shirts.

Also. I think he has on ALL gray. Just differing shades.
Shit ton of gray.

Sean's a "big kid," but he's romantic, too!
He's so romantic that on a normal Saturday he would take CathyCat to the gum wall.
SIGN ME UP.

CathyCat tells Sean to NOT kiss grandma and just take her hand and put it to his forehead.

Cathy wants Sean to want more, so she heads straight to her mom's and squeals and squeals at the sight of her sisters.

"I'm surprised at how well Sean fits in with my family." -- CathyCat
We have to be watching two (OR SEVEN) different things here. 
I mean, Cathy! Is your mother a preacher?! 
No?! WELL. Good luck!

Sean rolls rumpio with Cathy's mom, but I thought she said, "RUFIO! RUFIO! RUFIO!"

"He talked to my grandma alone." -- Cathy
Yeah, that's an actual thing.
Not impressed. 

Cathy's sisters are not into this. Big sister is supportive, BUT... she ain't having this shit. They seem to be confused by the fact that Cathy went into the show thinking it would a fun thing to try out AND NOW SHE IS SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT.

Again. Someone explain this show to someone. Anyone. Someone.

The SistersOfDoom sit SeanBoy down at the dining room table for a little chat. I got very confused, very quickly.

Sister1: she goes in 100% and then makes things real fun, but then she just does whatever. SUPPORT HER DREAMS or ELSE. CALL HER OUT. She's so messy.

Sister2: She's so moody. She's happy AND focused.

Sooooooooooooooooooo. Basically, her sisters just told Sean that she's a fun gUrl, looking for someone to support her and her dreams. And she's happy and focused most of the time. Essentially, they were at a job interview and took the whole, "turn your strengths into a weakness" thing somewhere they shouldn't have.

They didn't say anything bad about her, but the tone in their voices made it seem like Cathy kills puppies on Sunday afternoons for fun and if Sean is going to love her, he has to love ALL of her, even the puppy-killing side.

Also, maybe the SistaCats are jealous. Or maybe they spent a lot of time cleaning up Cathy's messes because she's so happy and focused ain't nobody got time to clean!

Sean's has enough of the SistersOfDoom and he moves on to Cathy's mom. NO ONE SHOULD LEAD ANYBODY ON.

Sean wants her blessing. Cathy's mom plays it cool and says, "let's see what happens."

Cathy knows that Sean probz didn't have the best day with her family. Sean even says he doubts his relationship with Cathy after hearing about how FUN AND FOCUSED she is from her sisters.

ITZ ALL SO HARD.

-----

Sean took the train to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. And then he got on a horse.

Linds is an army brat and she's silly and wants to take SeanBoy to the antique shop! ITZ ALL SO SILLY.

She can see them settling down and LIVING IN THAT TOWN.
JOKE.
Right?
JOKE?

"I feel like we're a couple!" -- Sean
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?
Thatz what you're supposed to feel like!

Linds took Sean to get a cupcake and I think she got like, four cupcakes. BOLD!

Did Sean get lowlights?
Like, in his hair?
He did.
It's not as blonde.

Sean wants to call Lindsay's dad, "general." WHICH, HE SHOULD. But, she gets all weird about it and is all, "No. Just say 'hey.'"

Then, she gives Sean some "army" clothes and makes him "work out."

FAST FORWARD.

After what feels like 2 weeks, they finally make it to Lindsay's house.

SeanBoy is nervous. I would be nervous, too. Good call, Sean.

"Part of Lindsay's dad's job kind of includes making men... hopefully he sees that I am a man..." -- Sean
Say who?
Did you read that on Wikipedia, Sean?

"MAKING MEN."
OY. VEY.
: (

Sean gets scared and goes with "mister" instead of "general" during the introductions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oopsies!!!!!

Lindsay's mom thinks ITZ SO SILLY that Linds wore a wedding dress on the first night.
Also. Lisa, her mom, is wearing THE SAME SWEATER THAT SEAN WORE IN SEATTLE.
Cuties!

"She's just so special." -- Sean
: (
Do better, Sean. Do better.

I think even my parents would acknowledge that I'm "special." You gotta come up with something a little more unique to say about her.

But, I guess it'd be weird to be all, "Well, she gets kind of drunk and we make out A LOT, so yeah... it's pretty great."

MomLisa asks straight up, "Are you falling in love with Lindsay?"
Sean says straight up, "I'm contractually bound TO NOT answer that question."

Mom thinks he isn't saying "I love you" because he's a good dude, but really-- ABC TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am more than ready for Sean to retire the Chuck Taylor's.

SeanBoy meets up with GeneralDad.

I don't know very many generals, but he doesn't seem very intimidating. I mean, there is a painting of soldiers in his little man cave and it looks like they are killing someone or something. So, thatz kind of scary.

"Hey! Cool painting!"
"Oh, yeah. I had that commissioned from a photo of me removing a guy's heart while I was on the front lines..."
"Oh, really?"
"NO!!! Kidding! That's just a Thomas Kincade!"

SeanBoy asks for permission to marry Lindsay. It's the hardest question Lindsay's dad has ever been asked. HE'S A PARATROOPER AND CAN'T ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP, SO REALLY, HE'S GIVING SEAN THE AUTHORITY TO MAKE THE DECISION.

Then, CHEERS!

Beer for everyone!

"It makes me more attracted to Lindsay..." -- Sean
HE SAID THAT RIGHT AFTER HE DRANK A BEER WITH HER DAD.
Weird!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did they keep BrotherBear in the basement all night or something?
I mean, what's the deal with that?
He went in for a handshake as Sean was leaving, but Sean went in for a hug.
AWKWARD.

Oh, dog tags!
Precious.

When Sean gets lost in love and stranded at DFW Airport, we'll be able to identify him!

-----

We're headed to LA and Destiny is taking Sean hiking. Sean, of course, is over-dressed in his most favorite salmon shorts. Also, he's hiking in those damn Converses.

Is it an actual hike if there's pavement?
I say, no, but then again, I've never claimed to be "outdoorsy" like these people.

Also, he called the Katy Trail (in Dallas) "really pretty."
: (

"If Sean and I end up together, this is what I'm going to want life to be like... I'm going to want to go hiking..." -- Destiny
Well, dream big, gUrl!

Sean reminds us again that he's "outdoorsy."
Meaning, he owns more than one North Face jacket.

"I feel like we're a couple." -- Sean
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. 

Destiny's doorbell rings and Sean sees a man standing at the door. ITZ ALL SO CONFUSING.

Sean is not an actor and HE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE.
Don't put your hands on him!

Oh, itz all a silly joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zing!!!!!!!!!

Destiny's family finally arrives.

Roxannnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!

Her parents are like, SUPER SWEETIES. Just giggles and laughs.
And Destiny is glowing, so mom knows what's up! Something is going on!
Plus, Sean is VERY good looking.

I like that Dad is wearing a hoodie.

BrotherBear is not having any of this.
He's even more skeptical than Cathy's sisters.

"This is stupid." -- BrotherBear
Nailed it. 

He doesn't believe this would work out at all. Well, you know what, Bro? I'm sure people felt the same way about your tattoos! But, look at them now. You're all tatted-up and looking like a total hard ass. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

BrotherBear takes Sean outside. Sean needs a jacket, BrotherBear doesn't.

Brother does NOT see the reciprocation in this relationship. He definitely understands the premise of the show (FINALLY!) and he's not buying what Sean is selling. He tells Sean he sees no affection, BUT Des just told Sean that she loves how affectionate he is towards her. WHAT IN THE WORLD. Sean just doesn't understand.

Sean is riled up.
He's not a playboy.

You know, it'd be a lot easier to take him seriously if he wasn't wearing that jacket. Leather jacket? Just leather sleeves? I can't tell.

NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ATE THEIR STEAK.

Destiny can't handle it anymore, so she just tells Nate to, "stop!"

Tony sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Sean about "the four seasons." I think he's talking about the weather and not the hotel. I guess we'll never know.

Destiny is really disappointed.
This is not how it was supposed to go.

Sean's never going to go hiking with her again.

: (

Do you think someone at that house plays the cello?
If not, that's a weird item to decorate with.

-----

THERAPY SESSION WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris breaks it down, "Four gUrls, four hometowns."
This is why he makes the big bucks.

"Are all four women LITERALLY on the chopping block tonight?" -- Chris
Well, I sure as hell hope not!
But, I mean! Ratings!

Sean is worried about Destiny's brother, but he's more worried about the fact that CathyCat has dreams and goals OTHER THAN GETTING MARRIED. Heaven forbid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean doesn't think women should have dreams. ONLY MEN GET DREAMS!!!!!!!!

He needs to think this shit over.
Back-and-fourth. Back-and-fourth.

He's never been in this predicament before.

Chris breaks it down for the ladies, "There are four of you here and three roses. One of you will go home tonight." Was Chris a math major at Baylor?

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean has no idea what he is going to do!
He's just going to pick up one rose at a time.
One. rose. at. a. time.

Destiny can't handle it.
She needs to talk to Sean, "really quick."

She wants to apologize, Sean says she doesn't need to apologize.
He gets it. Itz all okay.


BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CathyCat is scared. as. hell.
Which, I have to be honest, I have no idea just how scary that is. I would assume really scary?

Final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Itz getting real.
Sean walks out to go look at the photos of the gUrls, because looking at them in person just wasn't doing it for them.

He asks Chris if he can peruse their Facebook profiles real quick, too.

What's Chris' advice for the night?
"Get this right."

Cathy gets the rose!
Cathy gets the rose!

Itz always the gUrl in the sequin dress that gets sent home.
Always.

Sean escorts Des to the bench and tells her that he's probz made a giant mistake. Obviously, Des agrees. So, they both agree this is a mistake.

Awkward hug.

Tears.

"I want someone to love me as much as I love them." -- Destiny
Well, she's gets it. She really gets it. 

Mistake or not, she's getting into that limo.

"I can't even look at you." -- Des, AS SHE IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT HIM

This is quite the break-up.

If I was one of those other gUrls and I was watching this play out: OH, HELL NO. Put her in the car and tell me where we're headed next!

Finally, she gets in the limo.
Sean does NOT chase after the limo.

He does look at the ground.

"I don't even know what I'm going to do about my life." -- Des
Oh.
: (

Listen, who DOES know what they are going to do about their life?

"All I want to do is make someone happy. That's all I want to do." -- Des
Really? Really?
I want to go to Europe. 
I want to get a book published. 
I want to never have to watch this show again.
I want to visit every Wal-Mart in the state of Arkansas. 
I want to sleep past 7 on the weekends. 
I want the price of gas to drop.
I want to take my nephew to a Razorback football game. 
I want it ALL. 


So. Thatz that.

the bachelor :: guest blog : matt rees goes HAM.

Every once in a while you have a friend come into town to visit. Sometimes that friend actually comes to attend a Crimmas party being thrown by her boy friends from high school and she's only coming into town to drag you to said party. 

That's how I met Matt Rees. This story would be more entertaining and uncomfortable if I said that I went to the party, had a few drAnks, locked eyes with Matt and fell in love. It was more like, had a few drAnks, became Facebook friends with Matt, ran into him every few months here and there and occasionally exchanged e-mails and text messages. 

Matt and I have a lot in common. He's a writer and he likes to observe the obvious. We often observe the obvious in a few people we mutually know. So, one day when I saw Matt tweeted something about the Bachelor, I texted him and asked if he was watching. I was surprised to learn that he was! He claims (as you'll read below) that he's somehow connected to BachSean. But living in Dallas, I am, too. I offered him up the option of writing a guest blog because I knew he wouldn't turn me down after I mentioned one of his heroes, Ben Rector, has written for me in the past. 

Anyway, gUrls, Matt is a good dude. When he's not observing the obvious he's a beat poet and aspiring Goldendoodle breeder (he's got the Golden Retriever, still needs the Poodle). He also moonlights as a Bill Self impersonator during the off-season. 

To my knowledge, he's single, ready to mingle, no longer wears his puka shell necklace he got from his college sweetheart after his fraternity's initiation weekend and has a mostly reliable mode of transportation. 

If you want to get to know Matt and talk about v-neck t-shirts, contact me. Please don't stalk him. 

Here's what Matt had to say about his experience with the Bachelor.

----

I can’t begin to tell you how uncomfortable I am right now.

I’m blogging - and not only am I blogging, but I’m blogging about The Bachelor.

When LC first threw out the offer to guest blog for this season, I was naturally extremely hesitant.  Though I don’t know to date what the repercussions will be from my friends once this hits the Internet, I felt it socially acceptable because of two guys that blazed the trail for me:

1. My old friend Ben Rector. If he can write about The Bachelor, than I think I can too. Everything that guy touches turns to gold. See you in Norman or Tulsa soon Ben.
2. Bill Simmons. When he occasionally takes a break from talking about Boston sports he tends to throw a couple of tweets in here and there about one of the contestants.  A majority of the guys that I know would rather be in a civil union with “The Sports Guy” than be married to the woman of their respective dreams. Though I do not fall into this category, I did enjoy all 697 pages of The Book of Basketball.

How’s that for Self-Justification?

How I got here

Prior to this season, I had not watched one minute of The Bachelor.  Though no stranger to trashy, relationship driven reality T.V. –When VH1 wisens up and decides to sell the box set of Tool Academy I’ll be throwing elbows to be first in line – This was a show that I just couldn’t stomach. That all changed this January. I was watching the National Championship game at my friend’s house when all of the sudden all of the wives/girlfriends ran to a different room. Needless to say, I quickly found out what they were all running to. What I didn’t expect was to find out that night from the host of the party was that Sean is “inner circle” friends with a friend of ours from college that had moved to Dallas. (This fact was later confirmed when I found out said friend was one of the 85 people that Sean follows on twitter) Shortly after finding out that I only had one degree separating me from a guy on reality T.V., the wives/girlfriends emerged from the backroom laughing and saying “Can you believe she came out of the limo in a wedding dress???” Sold. Interest piqued. As a good Calvinist, I have to say that I did not choose Season 17 of the Bachelor, but Season 17 of the Bachelor chose me. Enough Theology…

After I watched the first episode I knew I was going to have to clear my schedule on Mondays from 7-9 for the next couple of months. The show spoke to my inner psychology major self. I’m still amazed how every person on this show got to a point in life where this seemed like a good idea. I feel like The Bachelor is the T.V. version of Meth. Let’s make it clear that I have never tried, or even seen, Meth. (I know this may be hard to believe me being from Oklahoma) Hear me out- I feel this way because every episode is a mixture of terrible, terrible things that we all take in, but for some reason we all keep coming back week after week. Luckily for us this addiction doesn’t cause tooth decay. Decay of the soul is yet to be determined.

Now my initial thought was to write how I would be extremely surprised if the combined IQ of everyone involved with the show hit triple digits. I decided against this approach. As Chuck Klosterman says in his Book Eating the Dinosaur, picking out something obviously stupid and reiterating how stupid it is is not only easy, but often the lowest form of criticism. With that being said for my first (and quite possibly last) blog post I will try my hardest to stay away from that, even it cuts down on my overall thoughts by 90%.

Tierra(ist)

I haven’t hated a T.V. character as much as I hate Tierra since J.D. McCoy’s dad in seasons 3 & 4 of Friday Night Lights, and as a guy who would take an actual bullet for a fictional character in Coach Taylor, that’s a lot of emotion. I said the same on Twitter this past Monday and got an interesting response from a friend…

“When is the last time you watched the bachelor??? She’s nothing!”

To answer the question – never. If this is true, I don’t think I can handle another season. Just too much.

As I continued watching Tierra’s demise leading up to her untimely dismissal this past Monday I couldn’t help but to think that she is the embodiment of the millennial generation  - which sadly I, and I’m guessing most of the people reading this, fall into. Now that she’s off the show, Tierra should move to Dallas where she would fit in perfectly. (sorry, had to) There is no doubt in my mind that when Tierra was a little girl taking 7^th (of 8) in her dance recitals her parents were the ones telling her that she was really THE BEST and that the judges were stupid and just didn’t see true talent.

On that topic, what parent in their right mind tells their 20-something daughter that she has a “sparkle?” Even worse, what 20-something tells a nationally televised audience that her parents told her she has a “sparkle?”

I grew very tiresome of hearing how this process was so unfair to her. Every other “gUrl” seemed to understand how this all worked, but she seemed to think she was above all of that. I’m sure she was 100% in with all those occupy wall street hippies that thought that minimum wage should be raised to $20/hr without thinking of the basic economic consequences that would come with that.  It’s just not fair that some people make more money that me – I deserve just as much as they do!!! I can’t talk about her anymore- I weep for our future.

Final Four

Now IF I was a degenerate gambler and often thought of most things in terms of Vegas betting odds, here is how I think the odds would be set for the winner of the show in the LV:

Desiree:         -220   

Lindsay:          6/1

AshLee:          12/1

Catherine:     25/1

Now if this looks like a foreign language to what I presume to be a heavy female audience, ask your boyfriend to explain it. If he can’t explain it…well, break up with him. Time for a real man.

I have to think that Desiree is the heavy favorite with the final two coming down between Desiree and Lindsay. However, the “value” play here would be AshLee considering a $100 bet would pay $1200.  

Disclaimer: Gambling is bad. Supposedly.

Closing, Random thoughts

My far and away favorite was Lesley, even though her move to go back and kiss Sean since she didn’t 15 minutes earlier was one of the most uncomfortable scenes I’ve seen in a long time. My whole body tensed up and I almost had to get in a fetal position.

In my mind calling yourself a substitute teacher is a nicer way of calling yourself unemployed.

Robyn’s disastrous gymnastics routine is the most underrated moment of the season. 

I bet Sean’s favorite movie is Braveheart, favorite book is Wild at Heart by John Eldridge and favorite band use to be The Fray, but now it’s Mumford & Sons.

Chris Harrison has the life. His job of playing Bachelor facilitator/amateur psychologist just jumped into my top 3 dream jobs with a NBA GM and Lifechurch.tv campus pastor. When Chris decides to retire I would like to start a viral campaign for him to pass the job from one OKC guy to another, that of course being myself. I think my below average social skills would translate well on the small screen.

Thanks again to LC for letting me to do this, I strangely enjoyed it.