sotu.

Ah, what's better than a man standing before 435 people (plus cabinet members, judges and special guests) of mixed races and mixed parties sharing his dreams and goals for a nation? Umm... the fashion (pant suits! tie choices!), the ass-kissing, the cliches, the FORMER REAL WORLD CAST MEMBERS NOW SERVING IN CONGRESS. Yes, all of those things are what make this night, one of the greatest nights of the year.

Let's start with Sean Duffy getting some screen time. This guy used to be on MTV's The Real World in Boston, now he's a US Representative serving Wisconsin's 7th district. Real World? Talk about moving up in the real world. Google him. I think he even did one of the challenges once.

Gabby Giffords: are you kidding me? Tears. Tears streaming down my face. Big tears, small tears. All kind of tears. She's a hero. She's incredible. Let's name a building after her.

Let's try to hit the high points.

I think Hillary Clinton's longer hair is nice. It makes her softer. It also screams, "I don't give a crap." She went with a subtle pantsuit this year in comparison to her usual tribute to Dixie Carter in years past.

Joe Biden wasted zero time in blowing his nose on television. Obama barely started talking before Biden blew and before Obama got his first standing ovation. The big three all went with pretty regular tie choices. Last year they all went with a purple hue. I liked Biden's the best.

According to Obama the defining issue of our time is how to keep the American dream alive. I'm all for that! Let's keep this ship sailing, son!

Loved the Detroit shout out. I think the American auto industry is back. I mean, have you seen the Chrysler commercials lately? I'm in. Get me whatever Dr. Dre is driving!

This kind of got me, "What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries. It can happen in Cleveland and Pittsburgh and Raleigh." Maybe it's because I'm from the south and when I think of Raleigh I think of trees and pretty things and when I think of Cleveland and Pittsburgh I think of the exact opposite of trees and pretty things, but these cities should not be in the same category. Just saying.


Bringing jobs home.  I'm all for this! He made a few points about tax breaks and helping businesses re-set up shop in America. But, there was no mention of how any of this was going to happen. "And if you want to relocate in a community that was hit hard when a factory left town, you should get help financing a new plant, equipment, or training for new workers." Great idea! Where's the money coming from to do that? Let me know, POTUS!


Real question: Where do they find the random citizens with comeback stories featured sitting with Michelle? 


Education. Some lofty ideas with nothing ready to go to make any of them happen. 


"At a time when Americans owe more in tuition debt than credit card debt, this Congress needs to stop the interest rates on student loans from doubling in July." As one of these people, I hope this happens. I've certainly enjoyed the tax break the last two years. Also, real question: is it really possible to rack up that much credit card debt? I mean, what are you people buying? My education debt started out in the 20k range, the same price as a decent car. Did you buy a car on a credit card? A shit ton of boots? What? I really need to know. 


"You see, an economy built to last is one where we encourage the talent and ingenuity of every person in this country." I rarely feel encouraged by this economy or by my government. : (


"Of course, the easiest way to save money is to waste less energy." Well, now you just sound like my Dad!


"During the Great Depression, America built the Hoover Dam and the Golden Gate Bridge." HISTORY LESSON! I wish there would've been a slide show. Instead, we just got to see members of congress looking rather glum. : (


"An America built to last insists on responsibility from everybody." This coming from a Democrat? Does this mean Welfare is ending?


"I will not back down from protecting our kids from mercury pollution..." THANK GOD, right?! It's like, finally! Somebody wants to stand up against mercury pollution. I was super tired of cancer getting so much press. 

"Now, you can call this class warfare all you want. But asking a billionaire to pay at least as much as his secretary in taxes? Most Americans would call that common sense." Yeah, yeah, yeah I get it. But, they kept showing shots of this lady-- looked fine to me! I mean, I don't know her life, but her suit looked nicer than Hillary's.  Just saying. 

"Washington is broken. Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?" No! I think that's where you come in though, sir!

"The point is, we should all want a smarter, more effective Government." That's the point? Why didn't you lead with that? YES and AMEN.

"I have already sent this Congress legislation that will secure our country from the growing danger of cyber-threats." Thank God, I do not want anyone cyber-bullying ME or MY GOVERNMENT. I really hope this means no more e-mails from my friends in London being held at knife-point. 

"Those of us who’ve been sent here to serve can learn from the service of our troops. When you put on that uniform, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white; Asian or Latino; conservative or liberal; rich or poor; gay or straight." Heaven help a President that basically quotes Lady Gaga. There's no turning back now, kids. The damage is done. 

No, it gets worse, "This Nation is great because we worked as a team. This Nation is great because we get each other’s backs." Get each other's backs? You really just said that to me? You really want me to believe that?

Suggestions:

Before introducing ideas/goals that make people really happy or really sad, have an actual plan in place to get the thing done. Give people an actual reason to be really happy or sad, not just words. 

More face time for the Real World guy.

Red carpet walk through for members of Congress to be aired later on E! and reviewed by the fashion police. 

Make people sit in alphabetical order or just draw names out of a hat for seating arrangements. 

More close-ups of John Kerry's black eyes.

SHOUT OUTS to people who fall asleep. Hello, we elected these people! If I can stay awake through this thing, they should be taking freakin' notes!

No more standing ovations, unless it's for the military or Gabby Giffords or something else very American and worthwhile. 

The President should ride in on a horse. 

We should get to vote on the cabinet member that stays behind in case of an explosion and everyone in line to succeed POTUS dies. I'm sorry, if this happens and we're left with the Secretary of Agriculture running the country, I'm going to be PIST. We need to make sure someone awesome is standing back. So, as long as Hillary is serving, she gets my vote. 

Slideshows! Please! Of the country, baby pictures of Congress, infrastructure projects! Anything!

And. I'd like an update on all the BS from last year's SOTU. Right? Race to the top?! Anyone?!

the bachelor: ben:: epi 4.

After the 4-minute preview and 37-minute recap we get our first helicopter of the season. TTGL (Thank the Good Lord)!

Ben wants the gUrls to "experience the outdoors" because he went outside with his grandpa once. Me too and stuff, but like, for dating? No, please. No.

Nicki is starting to make me think she has a drug problem or that maybe she's on anti-depressants. She's very up and down emotionally and she always looks like she just left a really intense Black Friday sale at JC Penney or something.

Kacie B. thinks Park City is the perfect place to fall in love...BUT...what about Antigua and Thailand?!?! And Hong Kong?!

I love that after all of these years the Producers still try to make Chrissy Poo Harrison feel important by letting him explain the rules every episode. That's love.

Rachel gets the one-on-one and much like her "communication issues," it's a disaster. (Kacie B. is CRYING. Someone is always crying on this damn show.)

"I just hope I can get through this." -- Kacie B.
I say that at the beginning of every epi!!!!!


People are so jealous of that helicopter. Clearly, as much as they are on this show, they aren't hard to rent. Get one, ladies!

Ben and Rachel head straight for the canoe and it's now, officially, the worst date ever. A canoe? Ok, kayaking would've been worse.

"I definitely haven't felt like this since my last relationship." --Rachel
Crickets...crickets...yeah... I think that's how romantic feelings work?


We pop champagne!

Unfortunately, that champagne doesn't help them or me. So boring! There was a lot of awkward silence. Some bad hair on Ben's part and a lot of chugging champagne. The picnic and champagne was so bad they skip most of the footage and head straight to the dinner scene and the rose.

"I kind of hate opening up." --Rachel
Good luck, kid!


Group date card time!!!!!!!

Kacie B. has a weirdly positive, but terrifyingly invested attitude about this whole thing. Right?

We get our first glimpse of the Model and within seconds she drops bombs like, "I blossom when I'm around him" and a really neat, what I'm guessing might be a model look to the camera.

Ben starts having a serious convo with Rach and she looks away and says, "this fire is hot." Unfortunately, I don't think she was speaking metaphorically about the fire between them, but the actual fire in the room. Ben can trust his gut, but Rachel isn't good at communication. In fact, she's so bad at it, while she was explaining that she was bad at communicating, Ben had to stop and ask her what she was saying she was bad at. Oopsies! 


We got our first mention of the Dentist at the 24-minute mark.

Rachel, somehow, gets the rose! Proving that roses are not significant in this man's life. They get some "sChmores" and kiss. I don't ever want a smore again, but hey! That's just me talking.

Group date time!!!


Ben rides out to the "ladies" on a horse and I swear, he had to have crapped his pants when he crossed that creek on that horse. I hit "rewind" on the ole DVR at least four times to get a look at his face. Priceless. He's trying to be all rugged while riding a horse, in designer jeans, but then craps his pants! Oopsies! 


Of course, Lindzi, is fah-reaking out over the damn horse. I mean, cool. A horse! I thought most gUrls went through the horse phase at the same time that most gUrls go through their Barbie phase? No?

Ben wants to take the gUrls horseback riding.

I almost always go to Anthropologie before I get on a horse.

The horses led them to a fly-fishing excursion. Not only have the gUrls never done it, but I'm fairly certain that Ben's not really an avid fisherman either. Like, maybe he did this once one he was 12 or 13. You know, with his grandpa! Outdoors!

The Model, again, goes all cliche and metaphor on us and doesn't have one original thought during her spiel on "catching a man and a making a move and stepping up your game, while having your eye on the prize."

Kacie B. great left arm placement on Ben's back!  That's the move the Model was talking about! Way to keep your eye on the prize!

The model coerces Ben into walking eight feet up stream away from the other ladies and she's acting like she won a damn gold medal. Or that she just invented fire. gUrl, you asked him to walk away from the group to try and catch a fish! That's actually what you should do when you fish!

The other gUrls quit fishing and start drinking. A page right out of my own book!

The convo between Ben and the Model was getting super spicy while talking about (dijon/spicy) mustard.

She caught a fish. And there was a weird moment of kissing and screeching. And then the Model carried the fish around for the next 5 minutes and let it die a slow, slow death.

Cocktails and the group date!!!

Casey S. wore a Lady Gaga jacket to the party. It was weird. She had on really fancy shoulder pads and Ben had on a hoodie. That works.

Nicki interrupts and gets the first super dramatic music undertone of the season by telling Ben her boss died. Not even her cousin or something. Then, Ben shares a sad story and now! They are connected! Kiss! Bond!

Samantha rolls in and starts bitching at Ben about only going on group dates. Ben looks like he wants to slap a ho, but instead he tells her he sees no connection and blahblahblah, "I think you're emotional and not serious. I can't justify giving you a one-on-one...I don't see this going any further, I think we should end this right now." Oh, snap! Damn! gUrl, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

"Oh no, coming in hot." --The Model
Another cliche, but brilliantly placed. 


Ben has the decency to walk her out, only making it more awkward. Through the tears and goodbyes she grabs her bright pink suitcase and rides off into a cold, dark night.

"Another one bites the dust." --The Model
Seriously...just say something you thought of! Just once.


Kacie B. gets to go back to Ben's suite and her left boob is hanging out the whole time. I guess Ben likes that. I think she's a little drunky. I mean, look at her eyes.

The Model sits alone on a couch and steals Ben away to the upstairs fireplace where they have the most uncomfortable kiss I've ever seen in my life before the Model gives some speech about feelings and "losing sight" of them as a couple. To help her regain her sight Ben gives her the rose.

People are PIST.
I'm indifferent, because I'm smart enough to never put myself in a situation like that.

The Accountant (Jennifer?) leaves for her one-on-one date with Ben wearing only jeans, a sweater and a bright yellow bikini. Naturally.

The two repel down a crater in their bathing suits and then tread water at the bottom of the crater for a few minutes. Must have been boring because we only see about 40 seconds of it.

The two take a ski lift down the mountain and check out deer. And lightning.

"I feel very special right now." --The Accountant

Ben, over the thunder in the background, asks about Jennifer's past relationship history. Ben wants a needy woman and then asks an ACCOUNTANT if her schedule is structured. BEN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN ACCOUNTANT DOES? OR HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET AN ACCOUNTANT? What a dumb question.

The rain is so romantic!
I'm bored!

"The interaction I've had with her, she just seems really normal." --The Model, on the Accountant
Oh, wow. What an insult. 


Is that gUrl getting her hair dyed while someone is boozing? Disaster.

She gets the rose. They go to a country music concert. Because, you know-- country music is outdoorsy.

Cocktail party time!!!!!!

The Model knows people are talking about her.

How did Monica get those in that dress? Real question.

Emily compares the model to a marble statue. Which, is valid because she was posing with that rose by the fire like a statue. A cold one!

Emily gets one-on-one time with Ben and against Chrissy Poo's advice, tells him about the Model. Ben tells Emily she's gonna go crazy. Oops! I think she's already there. They all are! Well, minus the Accountant. She's "normal" according to the craziest gUrl on the show.

It's during this time that we learn that Casey S. is a few bricks shy of a load by defending the Model.

"She's so cool." --Casey S. 
Poor gUrl. Stuck in high school wanting to be friends with the pretty gUrl. 


Casey runs to tell the Model everything Emily said to Ben. She made some really weird faces at the camera like, "Watch this camera!"

"I'm a nice person, don't F with me." --The Model
That's how most nice people operate. 


The Model gets ready to confront Emily by making crazy eyes at everyone.

Then, Kacie B. says she has learned more about herself over the last two weeks than ever before. The Model has not. She knows herself really well.

The Model is ready to throw down with Emily. Here's a brief summary of what (I think) she said, "You know why I'm laughing. [giggle] My guard is up with you, you talked BAD about me with Ben. Oh, I'm up on it! It's not a good look. You shit in your own hat with me. You're on my list! Good look! Good look! Winning!"

People are still quoting Charlie Sheen? And what does shitting in your own hat mean?

"I'm not used to people being rude to me." --Emily
Where do you live?! I want to go to there!


ROSE CEREMONY!!!!

Zero surprises here... Monica and her tiny dress get sent home. You know, Monica's alright. She started off on the crazy train, but kind of leveled out by this episode and most of the gUrls seemed to like her. So, I hope she does really well consulting dentists. Or consulting patients for dentists. Or. What the hell IS a dental consultant?

This is the point in the show where Ben makes a toast and tells the gUrls where the gang is headed next. Usually, at this point, the drama is over and I'm already fast-forwarding. Oh, not so fast with the remote there, gang!

Greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. 

Ben: We're heading to Somewhere hard to say, Puerto Rico!!!!
gUrls: SCREAMING!!!!!!! Cheers!
[silence]
The Model: [begrudgingly] I was just there two months ago.
Ben: Well... we're going back.
gUrls: More screaming!!!!!!!


Man, those previews for next week look family friendly, eh?
Until then!







Here's the video of the greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. Start it around the 5:50 mark and enjoy.

the bachelor:: ben: epi 3.

After a 14-minute long recap, we dive right in to the longest 2 hours of television.

I had a little DVR trouble throughout the episode, so I began with Emily and Benji beginning their trek up the Bay Bridge. 


Oh, ABC, it never gets old. Right? Find the gUrl's biggest fear, make her do it, propel gUrl and boy to say things too soon. It's perfection!

Benji deals with the panic by quoting "Top Gun." Technically, I only heard one quote, but it was one too many.

Meanwhile, the other gUrls are watching them on their date through a telescope. NORMAL.

"Holy hell, what am I doing here?" --Emily
I can't believe this is the first time she's asked that. Period. 


Benji wanted Emily to be more comfortable and secure in the ascent up the bridge, so DUH, he kissed her. That solves most fears of heights.

"A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together." --Emily
Webster couldn't have said it better. 


Emily and Benji head to dinner and they start discussing their fears.

"I've had some pretty abysmal dating experiences." --Emily
YEAH. THIS ONE.


I really think Benji might be one of the more boring people on television.
EVER.

Her two biggest fears in life are rejection and heights?
Calling bluff, gUrl!

GROUP DATE CARD TIME.
The gUrls try to guess what a leap is. No one guessed correctly.
A leap is like a jump. It is a jump.
One gUrl said it was running with bulls! What a silly billy!!!!!!!!

Emily gets the rose, because she "just gets it."
I tend to disagree.
Especially because she described every single thing that happened as perfect.
How'd she forget that part of the day where she crapped her pants while climbing up a bridge?
Maybe it was the perfect place to crap her pants? Crap with a view?

GROUP DATE TIME. 
Turns out... they are going snow skiing...in bikinis!!!!!!!!

That crazy Ben and ABC put some snow down a city street and BOOM, snow skiing in bikinis!!!

"San Francisco is like, a really busy community." --Monica
Yeah. It's almost (almost) like a city. 


Precious lil' Kacie B. almost died about 19 times. Ben liked it. I thought it was pathetic.

The next one-on-one date card comes and it's a key to the city. All the gUrls keep saying, "It's so pretty. It's beautiful." And it wasn't. It's very much an ugly necklace from Claire's. Brittney gets the date and she's so un-enthused it's comical. She's torn and confused. And long story, short: she's heading home. Her heart's just not in. DEUCES!


"It's a cool scene. It rains." --Benji


Ben pulls this one gUrl aside and it took me about 4 minutes to learn her name. She complimented him more than he's probably ever been complimented in his life. They kissed. And we learn the way to his heart.

Kacie B. is frustrated and we get our first glimpse of a gUrl questioning her feelings and Ben's intentions and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. They kiss and it's fine.

NICE VEST, BEN.
Did you steal that from a baby?

"She sparkles." --Benji
Now she's a unicorn?!


Blakeley's earrings look like a dead raven is hanging off of each ear.
Edgar Allan Poe would be like, "DAYUM."


MORE DVR PROBLEMS. 
We meet back up with Lindzi and Ben's one-on-one date. 


Much to Lindzi's dismay, a streetcar picks them up instead of a horse.

Ben shows her all things San Fran via the streetcar and the two get some ice cream. Before dinner?!
We also learn that it's not a real streetcar, it's a bus disguised as a streetcar.

Lindzi and Ben head inside to the City Hall. He uses the Neil Lane designed key to unlock the door. The lights come on. Matt Nathanson's worst moment of his career begins. Ben and Lindzi dance. Kind of terribly. And they kiss. They kiss a lot.

The date is NOT over. The two head to a secret room behind a secret door in a restaurant. They have to be starving at this point.

"I'd like to know why you're still single." --Ben
No. No. No. NO.
Do not ever ask a gUrl that. It's not a compliment. It's just not. 


Side note: So far, Ben has mentioned his proposal to The Dentist every 14 minutes this show has been on the air. 


Lindzi gets the rose. Because she's a "complete woman." As opposed to...?

Ben takes her to a piano store and he plays that sad, sad, sad David Gray song. Again. But, then, we can't really tell if Ben played it or if it was dubbed over. ABC is always tricking me. ALWAYS.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. 
It's at this point in the show that hell is about to break loose.
Normally, it's because everyone is drinking and wearing ugly dresses.
Tonight, it's because Shawntel, the funeral director, is on her way in to profess her love to Benji.
More on that later. 


Ben starts off the night by kissing the Accountant. This is the first gUrl he has time with. So, that's good that he started off like that.

He then moves on to  a newlywed type game with that one gUrl. I think it's Nicki. I still don't know these people's names.

Courtney's emotions start to get the best of her and her face ALMOST moved.

"I don't have an opinion on other people's shenanigans." --Lindzi
Oh. I do. OOPSIES. 


Again, the Model's cliches come out full-force.

"Courtney has a social disorder." --Emily
Sounds right. 

She takes her social disorder to the library that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe to. Turns out, it's not a library, but a balcony. And I'm sure he took her outside for things. Because their relationship wasn't a secret at all.

"I see you and I light up. And I'm like, I'm dealing with all the drama and I can handle it. It's worth it to me. I can carry the weight... I didn't expect to feel this way... We have such a strong connection." -- The Model 
Seriously? Seriously?! She had to have just watched clips from old seasons of this show, right? She did not have a single original thought during any part of the conversation. Not one. How is that even possible?


WHO IS THAT?
Enter Shawntel. 
There's so much to say about this little situation because, well. It's all fabricated. I'm sure Ben and Shawntel did meet and did enjoy each other's company at some point. I'm sure ABC knew this. Shawntel doesn't live far from San Fran, ABC called her up, offered her some cash and BOOM. We have new drama on a really old cyclical show. Shawntel never seemed bat shit crazy (BSC) on Brad's season. That type of crazy doesn't just happen over night, it's always in you. 


She sits Ben down and tells her about their connection and leaves it at, "you can give me a rose if you want." So, not that bold of a move, really. Because that's the premise of the whole damn show! He can give anyone a rose that he wants! (How do people KEEP missing this?!?!)

Ben is in shock. The other gUrls are PIST. The Producers are giddy.
We're all still watching.

Ben asked the other gUrls to be gracious and welcoming.
They weren't.

That gUrl with the terrible Midwestern accent just screamed, "YOU DON'T KNOW BEN!" I would argue that point to everyone... does anyone really know Ben at this point? You're all fighting over a man you watched fall "in love" with another gUrl on another season of this stupid show. You know that, right? This situation isn't even as normal as meeting a person online.

The Model is worried and upset.
Everyone thinks it's unfair and is prepared to leave.

DRAMA.
TEARS.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME.


I can't be certain, but I think every gUrl gave the ultimatum, "If Ben gives her a rose...I'm leaving!" Way to be your own people, people.

"Love is possible. This experience is working." --Ben
We must be watching two different "experiences."


The Model accepts the rose even though she saw Ben talk to "what's her butt."

Casey S. spent about 4 minutes getting ready for this party. Her hair looks like mine after an 8th grade basketball game, which though I have great hair is NOT a compliment.

Nicki is still crying.
Still.

"It's just not ok." --Nicki


"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to throw up." -- gUrl

We're down to the final rose and OH SHIT. Someone feels nauseous. OH SHIT. That gUrl needs to sit down. She is going to pass out! She falls down! Everyone is nervous. Ben barely flinches and says, "Can we get some water?" Like, he didn't even raise his voice or his eyebrows or anything.

You have to admire Benji for not getting caught up in the drama.

Erica stands back up.
Ben launches back into his speech. He's flattered that Shawntel put it all on the line to find love.

HOWEVER, NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE!
TWIST!

So many smirks across the faces of the "ladies."

That gUrl needs to sit down again!

He walks Shawntel out.
Shawntel cries to the camera.
Her dignity? Oh, well. It no longer exists.

Benji announces to the gUrls that they will be traveling to Park City, Utah! I'm guessing most people don't even know where that is. Minus the two gUrls from Utah. But, they all act super excited. So, that was neat.

I think the internetS should know that I watch this show each and every week without drinking any alcohol. I don't know how much longer I can keep that up. Just saying.

Until next week's tragedy...

wants.

I really wish I could travel more.
I want to travel more.

I guess I don't necessarily need to travel more.

The lady in these photos used to always say, "Wish in one hand, pee in the other. See which one fills up first." You don't have to be a first grader to figure that one out.

But, I haven't tried that in quite some time, so. Why not?

Here's to wishin'!
And wantin'!

the bachelor: ben:: epi 2.

We open up this week's epi with a 24-minute recap of last week's disaster.

Ben's moving a little fast by already taking the "ladies" up to Sonoma, his hometown. He has "incredible memories" of growing up there, so it's important to share that with some total FREAKIN' strangers. Perfect.

"Is this real life?" --gUrl
No. No. No, this is a television show.

Kacie B. (GAH, there's more than one) gets the first date and she calls herself the luckiest gUrl alive, but clearly she's using that phrase loosely.

"I hope she's the appropriate woman for this date." --Ben
Too many comments.

Ben takes her on a stroll and they go work on some duets. I think before Ben works on anything he should work on his hair. That is a personal opinion. Then, they head into a toy store. I'm fairly certain the toy store stayed open just for them.

I'm so bored. This date is so boring. The highlight of Ben's night was learning that Kacie B. used to twirl a baton (she could've just said she was a majorette). He must have talked for 19 hours about living in Northern California.

The group date card comes and I can just hear that whistle blowing. The crazy train is about to roll through.

Kacie B. gets a rose and I'm surprised I saw it because my eyes were open, but I'm certain I was asleep.
Oh, I'm so glad I woke up. Shit show time! I mean, family movie time! Ben acts genuinely interested. That was sweet, I mean, if it's not creepy to watch family movies together on your first date. Which, it kind of is.

Group date time! GDT! When I look at Ben's hair I feel like I'm staring into my middle school yearbook. It's not something that works for me on any level. Minus the level of me that is still stuck in middle school. Which, isn't an actual level. I am just wondering if he washes it often.

Ben hired the best playwrights in all the land to write a play for the ladies! Twist! They are small children! A plethora of ethnicities and socioeconomic statuses! Way to go, ABC!

The kiddies were obviously instructed to make the gUrls do stupid things and look SILLY!!!!!!!!!!! Success! The gUrls looked so, so silly!!!!!!!!!!

"How about a sexy dance." -- Small child
"Oh, that's sexy." -- Other small child
That's just weird.

Of course they made cleavage gUrl jog in slow motion. Those ABC Producers are too good! They can get different demographics to tune in no matter what!

The model and the horse gUrl are having a really weird talk. Scratch that, the model is having a weird talk. She's got darkness inside of her. Just watch.

The group daters (who should probably be in group therapy instead of dating) start rehearsing their play. The costumes were pretty entertaining. We head on over to the community theater and Ben's closest friends (and some other people that were paid to be there) are in the audience! So much to be nervous about!

Official review: "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" is the worst play ever. But, just you watch-- someone will produce this bullshit soon. I guarantee it.

That tree is awesome.

Children wrote this?! Ben takes his clothes off, the gUrls had to do a sexy dance. I HATE HUMANS. Why do this to small children?

"This is the first time I've ever been attracted to a sheep." --Jacyln
Prayerfully, it'll be your last.

Everyone thinks watching Ben with kids is eye-opening. I don't agree. I mean, yeah, if he punched a kid or cussed one out, that'd be like, "Hey! That's not fun, we shouldn't get married!" But, who's an asshole to kids while being forced to be nice to kids on a television show? No one. Most of the time, anyway.

Play over. Pool and dranky-drink time!
Those two gUrls take Ben away to kiss him on the cheek. YAWN.

Blakely isn't going to hold back and she's going after what she wants. All of the other "ladies" are mad at her, but clearly they are forgetting that BLAKELY IS A 34-YEAR-OLD COCKTAIL WAITRESS. She needs to go after it! I don't blame her.

"Where does this style come from?" --Ben, to Blakely
Ben, really? 'Slutty' isn't a style. It's a lifestyle.

Oh, we've got drama in the public restroom! Can you imagine the germs on that blanket that one gUrl wore into that bathroom. I am puking just thinking about it. I hope they burned it afterwards. That's not safe.

Oh. My. Gosh.
The Model just quoted Charlie Sheen.
And then she got the one-on-one date.
And then she started talking trash to every other gUrl in the room.

"I thought she was a real person." -- Erika
Yeah...about that.

It's pool party time back at GDT.

The Ginger Accountant takes Ben away for some hot tub time and of course, gets a kiss. Shocker! I'm sure it was the acoustics in the room, but it seemed like the kisses were incredibly loud. Slight gag. 


"Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate." --Blakely
The fact that she even knows what her sign is proves that she's crazy.

Blakely gets Ben alone and they kiss. Shocker. YAWN.
Jennifer, the Ginger Accountant, was beyond upset. She cried.
HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE.

Ben told the ladies he was proud of them and that was weird, because I've been super embarrassed for the last hour for everyone on this show.

Blakely gets the rose.
And I'm sure it has nothing to do without the amount of booze anyone has had to drink tonight.

Now, the Accountant feels used and sad and like she'll never fall in love.
More tears and a sad speech about falling in love and something about finding out who she is or something. Go to church, gUrl.

To me, the worst thing about Blakely at the moment are her earrings. Real talk.

Ben and The Model head off into Wine Country so Ben can see if she can handle the small town. Naturally, they just go out into some woods, because that's what small town living is-- WOODS.

"It feels like a Saturday." --Ben
Well, Ben, was it a Saturday?


"My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard." --The Model
Her face didn't move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"I was just doing me for a while." --The Model
Ben, run! Run! For real! Anyone who uses that phrase during Real Talk is not an "appropriate woman" for anybody on Earth. This is your warning.

Could she speak in cliches a little more, please? My gosh. It's like she doesn't know any phrases other than ones she's heard on this show before.

Dinner time! And again-- I don't think she knows words.

"I meet people, I'm just not interested in them." --The Model
Because you're terrible and selfish and say stuff like, "I've been doing me."

Why did I not start counting the cliches at the beginning of their date?

What is Ben wearing? That's so many layers and they are not working together. Four layers. He's wearing four layers and The Model has on a beach cover up and what looks to be a cami under the beach cover up.

The cliches wore off on Ben, "Courtney does make me think 'big-picture.'"

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horse gUrl steals some time with Ben and he tells her that she made such a good first impression on him that he didn't need to take her on a date this week. BURN! Then, they just discuss trucks and fields. I mean, I'm not the most experienced dater, but I'm pretty sure I've never talked about TRUCKS on any date ever.

Blakely lets everyone in on her secret to getting the rose on the group date. She has on earrings that have to weigh 10 to 12 pounds a piece and then, she took those earrings into the middle of Samantha's drama fest with Ben. Sammy is PIST.

Same story, different verse.
YAWN.

"It's like a war out there." --The Model
Yes, Courtney, I'm sure my grandfather who fought on the front lines of World War II in the Pacific would totally agree!

The Blogger gets some face time with Ben and she really takes it to a whole new level by saying, "I feel like a guy." Hey, Blogger! this is not some sick TLC show about transgenders. This is a family show. You can't talk about shit like that to him.

"I don't want horse face in my face." --Jaclyn, about Blakely
That's not going to work for me. Lindzi is horse gUrl, Jackie!

Ben is finally picking up on the reoccurring them in the house: CRAZY.

Ben goes to find Blakely and she's sitting in a corner alone and crying. Red flag. 

What is Ben thinking at this point? He has to be thinking, "THERE'S NOT ENOUGH WINE IN THE WORLD TO GET ME THROUGH THIS." Right? I mean, there's not enough wine in the world to get me through this and I'm just watching it months later.

Chrissy Poo Harrison comes to Ben's rescue! However, at this point, I think the only person who can save Ben, is Ben. SAVE YOURSELF, BEN!

OH.
SNAP.

Sheryl's granddaughter gets the final rose!

The Blogger is in shock as she gives her final interview. Honey, it's not shocking. You told him you felt like a guy. And now look at you.

"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I'm mortified." --The Blogger
Just wait until you watch this later, you'll really be mortified and probably short a few friends. Also, your dad is probably going to be pretty disappointed. Maybe even your mom, too. Just a heads up, gUrl!


"I think I deserve love. I'm always trying to find it." --The Blogger
Look harder?

Ben gives the gUrls another surprise-- the gang's headed to San Fran!

And then, I changed the channel.