Tuesday, June 30, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 7.

What a week in America. And now. This.

The drama continues. Starting right now.

Shawn is still up in Kaitlyn's hotel room and he straight up asks, "are you in love with me?"
That answer isn't suitable.

Kaitlyn keeps trying to figure out what happened that made Shawn act like a crazy ex-girlfriend. She thinks he knows, but he doesn't know. HE IS JUST CRAY.

"I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. A VERY HARD TIME." -- SHAWN
"I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS." -- SHAWN

Finally, after exchanging very few words the two makeout.

Kaitlyn feels guilty. NOT BECAUSE OF THE SEX'N.
Because of the relationships.

Kaitlyn spends some time over-looking the hotel landscaping and Shawn contemplates life on the stoop, while Nick takes a lap with a guy I have never seen before. Tanner?

------

So, what is this two-on-one date?

Did that boat meet one single government safety standard? There's just no way.

Joe knew KaityKat could feel the passion.

Look at that beach. No wonder Irish people aren't tan.

"You're one in a million." -- Joe
It's like he read a book of cliches on the plane ride over. 

There are 322 million people in the U.S. alone. Half of those are probably women and maybe half of those are somewhere in Joe's age range. You're one in a million isn't really a compliment. He should've said, "You're one in 86,876,653 million" to be more realistic. Now, KaityKat is just thinking about all those other women and comparing herself. Oh. Isn't she Canadian? Yeah. Makes it even worse.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn aside and tell her that he is divorced because he cheated on his wife.

So. What friend told JJ, "Hey. Been a rough couple of years-- you cheated on your wife, lost your job, moved in with your parents-- why don't you go on TV?" No. No. No.

Kaitlyn promptly kicked JJ off and told she Joe she wanted to get to know him a little more.

-----

Shawn is still fah-reaking out, but now he's on a park bench. Has he been outside all day?

Has anybody ever told this guy anything before? I mean, you tell him, "you have the best shoes!" and now, he literally thinks he has the best shoes of anyone.

"You are the sweetest!" and now,  he absolutely believes no one is sweeter.

Shawn needs to wrap his shit up and take a Xanax.

Joe comes back with a rose, says one sentence and Shawn gets up and leaves. HE IS NOT STABLE.

So, he takes his feelings right back to KaityKat's hotel room.

What's this guy like after a real first date? He flies you home for the second date to meet grandpa on his death-bed? FIND YOUR CHILL, BRO.

Kaitlyn is alone in her hotel room crying again. She has to be a little annoyed, right? Or just like, tired?

KaityKat is still convinced that Shawn knows about the sex. BUT, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.
WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE DOES KNOW.

Kaityln and Shawn talk and I FF'd through a lot. Shawn wants her more than anything.

"It worries me that Shawn needs all this reassurance." -- KaityKatYeah, that's a lot of hard convos in real life. 

Like, every morning, "Shawn, I love you the most. Yes, THE MOST. Forever. Yes, forever plus infinity, Shawn!"

------

ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn realizes she's done some done shit.

She sex'd it up AND told bros they were the one. She's more upset about telling bros they are the one.

Kaitlyn's heart is still open and she just wants to toast to that.

Nick gets his alone time with Kaitlyn. Nick feels SO GOOD about the week.

Kaitlyn wants to make sure that, even though the day and night was perfect, Nick ain't sex'n and telling. Nick is like, SO OFFENDED by this. Nick also lies. Nick says he didn't do anything but say he had a great time. BUT, HE DID SAY HE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE. HE TOLD EVERYONE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE.

HE DID SAY THAT.
HE DID.

From last week: Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."

Nick is crying because he is an over-confident guy. 

"Can I kiss you?" -- Nick
Yes, PLEASE." -- KaityKitty


Kaitlyn no longer has ANY concerns. 

Meanwhile, Shawn is watching that fire burn. 
I hope he's considering putting that blue tuxedo in it. 

Like, there's no way he thinks that blue tuxedo is spot-on. Not for this anyway. Maybe for some low-budget MTV awards show. Not this. 

Kaitlyn tells Shawn she regrets sneaking around and telling him secrets. 

ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT FIGHTING AND UPS AND DOWNS. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT.

Kaitlyn knows she messed everything up by talking to Shawn, because clearly, Shawn can't handle his shit. Like, he would ruin a bag of shit. Can you imagine letting him handle something other than a bag of shit?

------

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

I am supposed to believe that Shawn is not getting a rose.





Shawn gets the rose.


Ben Z. is leaving. HE JUST DOESN'T OPEN UP TO PEOPLE VERY OFTEN.

Like, who walks around and is like, "BAGGAGE! BAGGAGE FOR SALE!"

I think Ben Z. probably feels like he's dodged a bullet at this point, right? Right.

-------

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Everyone but Jerad has to ride in a giant bus called the PaddyWagon. Everyone wants to "take a road trip with someone you really like." And Jerad gets to do it.

Kaitlyn isn't a great driver and so, if they can get through they can get through anything.

The couple takes a lot of selfies an Jerad just feels like he's on a road trip with his gUrlfrand who had sex with another man 3 days ago. : (


Jerad and Kaitlyn head to the Blarney Stone and give it some kisses for luck.
Then, Jerad drops KaityKitty off at her castle, her "legit castle."


Jerard thinks they are both transparent. : (

Kaitlyn thinks she has finally made it through the day and over the hump, WHEN OMG CHRISSYPOO HARRISON KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. 

"WHAT NOW?" -- KAITLYN

Chris explains to Kaitlyn that she has basically ruined this entire process-- even without the sex. She tells Chris mostly everyone. 

"I just really regret it." -- Kaitlyn
"Oh...that's good..." -- ChrissyPoo
Give that guy a medal.

Chris lets KaityKitty know that they are switching up the order of things. Next week, everyone gets some off-camera time with her before hometowns. The playing field needs to be even, because right now a bulldozer couldn't get Kaitlyn's field out of this mess. She needs an expert road crew. Like, all the highway departments. All the "slow" road sign holders in America. 

Chris explains to the bros that Kaitlyn can't be trusted, so the rules have changed. There will be hometowns, but not until they have all had the opportunity to see her naked. What's fair, is fair. 

Shawn does NOT like this hurdle. 

-----

The Dentist and Kaitlyn head out for their one-on-one and HERE COMES THAT HELICOPTER. 

Chris seems like a sweet guy, but he's like really into holding hands and personal space. 

Now, this is one helicopter ride ABC got right. A helicopter ride over the Cliffs of Moher would be pretty insane. 

Chris thinks this could end up being the biggest day of his life. This is as close to magic as he's ever been. (Should we tell him magic isn't like, real? Or nah?)

Kaitlyn asks Chris if he wants to stay in Nashville. He picked Nashville, in part, because it's a great place to raise kids. That's something a lot of young single bros do. Right?

At this point, Kaitlyn is ready to spill the beans. She starts crying and is trying to tell Chris some stuff and be honest and then he literally spend the next 3 minutes about half-an-inch away from her face. 

Chris describes his time on the show as "joy and terror." 
Almost nailed it. 

If I'm trying to have a hard conversation with someone, I appreciate comfort, but like, I NEED YOU TO GET OUT MY GRILL, OKAY? BACK IT ON UP. 

Kaitlyn has promised herself that she is not going to lead anybody on and Chris just needs to know more. 
THE MORE IS THAT YOU NEED TO PACK YOUR SHIT UP AND LEAVE, CHRIS. Get your toothbrush, your toothpaste and that cupcake mobile and get on outta here. 


"I would much rather know now than next year or in 20 years. She deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's read to find that right now." --Chris

"She's a mess." -- Chris
NAILED IT. AND HE DON'T EVEN KNOW YET. 

I've been through some hard stuff in my life. I've watched my friends go through some really hard stuff. 

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE CRY THIS HARD IN MY LIFE. 

Ever. 

HE TOOK THAT SCARF AND USED IT LIKE A DAMN SNOT RAG. 




Thursday, June 25, 2015

on the confederate flag and southern pride.

I am a born and raised Southerner. I am also a proud Southerner.

I'm not entirely sure how I came to be such a proud Southerner, as my family wasn't overly into hospitality or grits growing up, but most everyone owns a gun or six and loves their mama. And biscuits. Being a proud Southerner is this overarching theme of growing up in the South. Like, a couple of hundred years ago someone from New York called someone from Birmingham an idiot for living in the woods or something and suddenly, we had to be more proud of our geographical location than anything else. Babies are spoon-fed Southern pride for breakfast down here. It's very much a love it and don't ever leave it mentality.

My family also has a deep and rich respect for history. We just love us some good, clean American history. Other than sports and our deep love for the One who saved us, American history is the one thing everyone that I lived with for 18 years can talk about for hours on end.

Growing up if we were in a car and within 8-12 hours of a battlefield of some sort, we stopped by it. Because of our geographical location these battlefield were usually of the Civil War type battlefields. After a few trips to other battlefields, like those old-school Revolutionary War sites, I am not sure there's much of a difference between any of them. There's a field, maybe a wall of some sort, an old cabin and a well-air conditioned visitors' center.

I don't remember feeling any sort of crazy amount of pride at any battlefield I've ever visited, usually just felt hot and mad that my mother was taking another picture of the above-mentioned field or wall.

I say all of this to lament the fact that I grew up in a home where education was important and knowing your family history and heritage was involved in that. We just happened to all grow-up below the Mason-Dixon Line. I imagine the same would've been true had my father decided to be an electrical engineer in Nevada.

No one in my home taught me that Southern pride had anything to do with the Civil War or the Confederate flag. No one in my hometown ever said, "would you like a side of the Confederacy with your biscuits this morning?" Sure, I saw those flags everywhere growing up, but I was never taught that being proud of your past meant you needed to cling tightly to a certain piece of cloth.

Somewhere in the middle of an afternoon viewing of a Civil War battle re-enactment, I remember learning that the South lost the Civil War and thinking that was good, because my mother's entire side of the family was from the North. I was young and my father was videotaping said re-enactment and I said to no one and the camera, "If Nana was here, she'd be rooting for the North." My parents asked me why and I didn't know and that was that. No one was all, "No, honey, your grandmother actually is a big supporter of states' rights and small federal government." No, everyone just kind of moved on.

I played sports growing up and by the time I got to high school I had probably lost more games as an athlete than I had won. There were a few of those games where really cool things happened and we could kind of celebrate, but mostly-- I was a big ole (team) loser. When your high school basketball team loses a game by 68 points there are no bright spots. I was taught that a moral victory is a band-aid to encourage you to do better during the next game-- it was not an actual "W." It was a loss. If you didn't score as many points as the other team, you lost.

The South lost the Civil War. Why would a group of people choose to still celebrate a war they lost, over 100 years later if it wasn't backed by something else? I know my facts and I know my history, I know how the war started, who started it and how it ended. These days, that flag doesn't stand for anything other than hate. That flag says to people-- let's get back to the 1860s when life was good. 

No one who flies that flag outside of their home has made one proactive argument for states' right in their life. No, people who want smaller federal government are called Libertarians, not racists.

During the Civil War there were men who fought for their family, for their state, for what they believed in and they lost. You can be proud of that. You can be proud of where you're from, but you can also know that there are thousands of other people who don't have that same story and when they see your symbol of "heritage," they don't know your story, so they see hate.

If your "heritage" is a symbol of hate for so many people, isn't it time to find a new symbol? Put a biscuit on the pole. Fry up some catfish and paint a portrait of it.

It's time to move on.


Tuesday, June 23, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 6.

We pick up where we left off in beautiful San Antonio, Texas. The Europe of Texas!

Ian is still mad. He is so over poop jokes he can't even think deep. Ian thinks Kaitlyn is a surface-level person and he needs her to be a big ole cry baby or this is it. They are not in it for the same reasons and he's ready to walk. Her blood is boiling and she is "super offended."

If you can describe yourself as "super offended" you are likely very mature and deep.

Anyway. Ian walked. Then, he got in the Suburban of Doom and talked about being "deep" about 247 times.

Then he said, "oh man, I need to have sex." : (

Nick runs to KaityKat's rescue and lets her know that he saw that Ian convo coming. He wants to be deep, but he wants to be goofy, too.

"I want to be the one person who knows you inside and out." -- Nick
That sounds like a bad Old Navy commercial. 

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

The bros head out to the Alamo (REMEMBER?) and I can only imagine how much differently that story would have turned out if Davy Crockett had these guys in his unit. Picture a giant Texas-shaped hole in the United States.

CHRISSY POO HARRISON WEARING THE MOST MACY'S LABOR DAY SPECIAL SUIT AND TIE COMBO EVER.

That one guy didn't get a rose and I think he didn't get one because Kaitlyn didn't know his name. I don't know his name either.

Then, that guy with his haircut and his Men's Wearhouse vest got sent back to welding school.

It's like all these guys loaded up in a van and hit up that 1 for 19 sale at Jos. A. Bank. Everyone but that dentist guy. He shops at the same place HIllary Clinton gets her suits.

The boys are headed to Dublin! And I can only imagine that there's a lot of dark beer in their future.

------

This is the first time Joe has been out of the country and he thinks going on a one-on-one date would be " a lot of fun."

"Kaitlyn is just a pot of gold." -- Dentist Guy
Shit. Come on, man.

"I've wanted to go to Ireland for about 10 years. It's very green." -- Dentist Guy
Oh. 

"We're in Europe right now!" -- Jerad
It's obvious these people know nothing about Ireland. 


Nick has 10 minutes to get ready for his one-on-one date.

"Luck of the Irish!" -- Nick

You would think these guys could've looked at Wikipedia on the flight over, right? Just a quick run-through of facts about Ireland? No. There's no time. Only cliches.

-----

Nick describes the park where they are-- there are families and dogs. And one sexy gUrl.

Nick and Kaitlyn can't keep their hands off of each other.

NICK WENT SHOPPING ON THE SET OF AN OLD AVRIL LAVIGNE VIDEO.

KaityKat is really scared of birds, so walking around in a park like this is basically an episode of "Fear Factor."

The cliches just keep on rolling in like a bunch of damn potatoes and Nick and Kaitlyn do an Irish jig in the street.

I'm imagining Nick choosing those green pants because he thought someone would pinch him if he didn't wear green all day. : (

Nick bought matching rings for the two of them. They're just walking down the street and then Nick threw her up against a wall and kissed her. Then, they kiss in front of a Kay's Jeweler. Then, they went to a pub and he put his hand up her shirt while ordering a whiskey.

NICK IS DRESSED LIKE HE'S IN A CREED VIDEO, IF CREED WAS STILL MAKING VIDEOS IN 2015.

Do we even address the boyz in the hotel? I mean, we all know what is happening. ABC PRODUCERS, SAVE YOUR EDITING TRICKS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. 

Nick and KaityKat head to dinner in an old church. Nick's outfit is enough to send me over the Cliffs of Moher (look it up on Wikipedia).

I feel like he beat up several 6th grade boys on the way to a school dance to piece his outfit together. Are his pants too tight to tuck his shirt in? Why wear a tie if you aren't going to tie it?

So, Kaitlyn is glad Nick has done this before (WHAT?), but she's worried everyone else is judging him for it (DUH).

Nick goes on this rant about how he's just concerned with being himself.

NOTE: Normal, decent people rarely have to give speeches about how they don't need to be liked, they just need to be true to themselves. Think about the best person you know-- they have never given you some shitty speech about "just doing me." You know why? Only shitty people have to use that excuse for their behavior. Only shitty people have to "do me."

Kaitlyn really likes Nick.

"...at the same time, I just believe in...everything." --Kaitlyn
Believing in everything is a sure-fire sign of being a deep thinker. 

So, at this point ABC has really done it. These two are going to town in an old church and finally Kaitlyn gives Nick his rose and they go at it some more.

Eventually, the two head back to her hotel where they shut the door and do things most people in their situation would do in the back of a car in a movie.  This is a family blog (just meaning-- my family reads it), so no details will be shared. There was heavy breathing. And I don't think they were lifting weights.


The next morning there is a lot of shame and maybe a bit of regret on the part of Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn says they "deserved" that time together. That's a weird word to use to describe the situation. Especially as the camera shows one of the parties involved talking to themselves expressing how bad they feel and the other is shown doing a walk of shame. If that's what your relationship deserves...WHOA.


I mean, now...Kaitlyn is talking about how she is hoping Nick won't sex and tell. She says this over and over and over and over again. Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."




Here's the deal-- adults have sex after dates all the time. Hopefully, they aren't doing it on TV, while dating several other adults at once. Usually ends poorly for most parties involved. If KaityKat thinks sexin' it up with her suitors is a good idea, she thinks it's a good idea. Not sure what else to say about it other than I HOPE HER GRANDMOTHER DOES NOT OWN A TV. I HOPE HER MOM AND DAD DISCONNECT THE INTERNETS.




AND I PRAY A CHILD DOES NOT COME OUT OF THIS HOTEL MEETING. You sure as hell know these two would name that baby Ireland and call him/her "Dubs" as a nickname for the rest of his/her life. 

------

It's time for the group date and everyone is talking about someone being dead or something.

Like a total cheese ass, ChrissyPoo Harrison meets the boyz in the street and says, "I regret to inform you that the worst has happened. Kaitlyn is dead."

You see, what he had meant to say is-- KAITLYN IS ABOUT TO BE DEAD TO YOU, BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY DID IT WITH THAT OTHER GUY LAST NIGHT. 

So, I guess this date is a fake funeral/wake. 

Listen, no one wants to attend their own funeral more than I do. 
This is weird. 

So, I fast forwarded through the coffin scenes. 

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben Z. needs KaityKat to know that today was "super hard." 

I mean, what's more hilarious than a fake funeral?! Especially for a guy who's mom died. 

Jerad gets some time with Kaitlyn and it's all "honest" and "honest." Has he been honest about his job at Denny's or did he play it up like he manages some restaurant he inherited from his billionaire grandpa?

Everyone is all "don't talk about Nick."

Shawn gets some alone time with Shawn and describes the casket as "it was funny." Now, he wants to show some pictures of his family to her!!!!!!!!!!

The producers got into his sister's Instagram account 15 minutes ago and printed off these pics for him. What a treat! What a moment!

Kaitlyn loves the photos so much she wants to keep them! 
(Weird.)

They do some kissing. 
Shawn feels really good. Very confident. He's never been more confident. 

BUMMER. 
Jerad gets the rose. 

KaityKat whisks Jerad off to a church for some alone time. 

The Cranberries are there ready to sing "Linger" for the 1,345,765 time in their life. 

In 20 years, this will Carly Rae Jepsen and a whole new generation of gUrls will feel the way I feel. 
Sad. : (

Jerad says this is Kaitlyn's FAVORITE BAND.
I AM CALLING BULLSHIT SO HARD ON THAT ONE. 

No one's favorite band is the Cranberries. It's 2015. 

Back at Guinness World Headquaters SHAWN IS FLIPPING HIS SHIT.

He has pulled his producer aside...

"Man-to-man, friend-to-friend, are you going to tell me she wants Jerad over me? Do you not know what we have? She came to my room for 6 or 7 hours and said 'you're the one. you're it.' What, she's going to get to the fantasy suite and bang two other dudes? ... Trust is the thing... I'm about to cry." -- Shawn
Shawn, woman-to-man, you signed up for this shit and she already banged a dude in a hotel room.

Shawn decided to go to Kaitlyn's hotel room because her words don't match her actions.

"She's ruining everything we have." -- Shawn
: (

THIS IS THE MOMENT IN THE SHOW THAT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

SHE THINKS HE KNOWS, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW, HE'S JUST UPSET.

SHE'S ABOUT TO SAY, "Well, what are you talking about?"
AND HE'LL BE ALL, "Wait. What are you talking about?"
"Oh, I thought you were made because I had sex with Nick."
"No, I'm mad because you said you wanted that picture of my niece and then you took Jerad for one-on-one time. WHAT."

Garry Marshall couldn't write this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 5.

I missed last week because of my 9 to 5 and I'm not even mad.

------

Am I a cool chick or an amazing woman? I don't even know. I don't think I'd care if I was labeled, but "cool woman" does sound off, so Nick has something going for his phrasing.

I love it when a man says he isn't doing something for the drama. Any man who has ever even thought that statement, much less said it out loud is about 29 steps below me. And I mean that.

I guess it's time for a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn just has to trust her heart. She really wants this to work.

JJ and KaityKitty ran the bases and then I quit paying attention for 5-7 minutes.

That one guy-- Shawn? doesn't want to say Nick's name. He's not going to lower himself to say it. Can you imagine? KaityKitty assures Shawn that Nick isn't going to take away from their relationship.

"I just hope you're smarter." -- Shawn
Zing! 

One said if he didn't get a rose it'd be like getting stabbed in the heart.
Nick compared not getting a rose to a "sting."

Clearly, someone is more invested in this situation.

Nick gets a rose. No one got stabbed.

Everyone needs a coat.

------

After the ceremony, Kaitlyn lets the group know they are going on a trip...somewhere she has ALWAYS wanted to go... San Antonio, Texas! Hot damn! Can you imagine? What's next Saint Louis? Maybe Birmingham?

Kaityln is ready for a fun date and NO MORE DRAMA (Shout out, Mary J. Blige!). She gets an old ass truck and picks up Ben H. She also says "Ben H." about 47 times.

Kaitlyn and Ben H. (BEN H.) head to Gruene Hall for some dancin'! Kaitlyn called Gruene a honky tonk, so. That's wrong.

There's an old lady there and she is wearing floral and loves dancing. They are not great dancers. They do not win.

It's time for dinner on a rooftop!

Ben H. was in a long distance relationship from the very beginning and he's not super comfortable sharing that information.

"Where did she live?"
"I'm not comfortable sharing that."
"Okay."

I'm a little confused by this conversation. He's ready, he's not ready. He hates FaceTiming?

------

GROUP DATE TIME.

A Mariachi band greets the gang and I fast forwarded. I guess everyone has to write a song. A Mariachi song?

That Ian guy is like, UP IN THIS.

How many times can we watch people write a song on this show?This is the group date challenge every third time. We're going to skip this.

-----

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn thinks the guys trust her and her decisions. : (

Joshua, the industrial welder, has set up a haircutting station for KaityKitty. Worst decision of his life. And what a weird way to spend a date.

"gUrl, I wanna show you how much I trust you. Go ahead and ruin my hair."

The guys just sit around and talk about Nick. Nick just spends his time making out with Kaitlyn. Nick is winning.

Joshua confronts Nick and starts off by saying, "this is goofy."

Now, Joshua has decided to TAKE HER TO CHURCH. (Get it?)

"He feels wrong." -- Joshua
"Everyone is lying to my face." -- Kaitlyn
"Ohhhhh, oh my goodness. Ohhhh. Uhhhhhh. Ohhhh. I don't know." -- Joshua

Kaitlyn doesn't understand what is happening. The guys know what is happening. They are mad.

Kaitlyn is ready to rumble.

Kaitlyn confronts everyone and asks them if they are being honest. They all say, "Oh, yes! Yes!" Then, KaityKitty calls out Joshua again and now everyone is mumbling.

"WHAT AM I MISSING?" -- KaityKitty

"I hope these guys aren't going to leave me out to dry here." -- Joshua
CRICKETS.

"Wait. We were just talking about how goofy this felt!" -- Joshua
Maybe use a stronger word. 

"I am not kidding around. I am looking for a husband." -- Kaitlyn
So. Nick gets the rose. 

IDK.

------

Shawn B. is ready for his one-on-one deep in the heart of Texas!

These two are going to kayak down the San Antonio river/ Riverwalk.

Kaitlyn compared it to Europe. : (

Later, the two ditch the kayaks and spend the afternoon in their bathing suits along the Riverwalk. Now, I've been to San Antonio numerous times. I have never seen anyone in a bathing suit along the Riverwalk. Maybe I was in the wrong part, but. No.



"I just want people to trust me." -- Kaitlyn
Well, don't be a friggin' idiot. 

This guy seems sweet and honest, but maybe not a scholar. You know?

So, Shawn was in a car wreck a few years ago. Luckily, he was wearing his seatbelt.  Kaitlyn gets this information and I'm sure she was just in shock, but she kind of giggled. But, to make up for the giggling she starts stroking his hair.

The music in the background makes it seems like his dad murdered his whole family and now he's just on this show. The music gets happier and they start kissing.

Shawn has really let his guard down by talking about his car wreck. I mean, no offense to those who have been in car wrecks, but talking about a car wreck is not letting your guard down. Sharing about how your grandpa kicked your dad out of the house and then your dad beat you and now you are here is more of a "letting your guard down" type of story.

I guess I'm judging a person by the cover of their "let your guard down" story.

Fireworks. Blahblahblah.

-----

So. Now, it's the Ian show.

"Women like me. I don't think that's ever been an issue for me." -- Ian
Love a humble man. 

The only person who will have a conversation with Ian is Nick. This is telling.

"I don't think something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with her." -- Ian
Oh. 

Ian just compared his impending confrontation with Kaitlyn to the last stand at the Alamo. : (


-------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS THAT DENTIST WEARING.



IF CHARTREUSE JACKET BOY WALKS IN NEXT TO A GUY IN KHAKIS AND A BLAZER, I'M ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS. A LOT. ALL OF THE QUESTIONS.

"I'm not here to play games." -- KaityKitty

"I want to toast to honesty." -- KaityKitty
Oh. Is that something you toast to?

Kaitlyn takes Jerad to her room and she must have no idea that he works at an Applebee's.

Ian's patience has run out.

Ian lists all of his accomplishments, skills and high-points.

"I am a very eligible bachelor. In this country and in this world." --Ian
Saying you're VERY ELIGIBLE basically means you are VERY SINGLE.

So, to all the men reading this: I AM A VERY ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTE.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is just kissing everyone.

Finally, Ian gets his one shot. (Can't you just hear Eminmen in the background?)

"It's difficult for me to hang around a bunch of guys making poop jokes." -- Ian
Actually, that sounds pretty shitty.

Ian explains how deep he is. He wanted to meet a really desperate sad gUrl and instead got KaityKitty. Ian thinks KaityKitty just wants to make out with boys.

"I don't question his intentions, I question your intentions. I really see you as a surface-level person. I wonder if you're really that shallow, because I don't see anything beyond the surface." -- Ian
Can you imagine a person you've barely had a conversation with say that to you?

If it looks like a duck...



Tuesday, June 2, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 3.

What?

Is this Kupah guy for real? Even if this guy is wasted, it's very odd behavior. And I've seen a lot of different drunk people in my life.

Kaitlyn went through many different emotions during the Kupah experience.

"I was angry and I was even more angry." -- Kaitlyn
Technically, that's one emotion.

This rose ceremony is weird and I think these producers have reached the end of all the television ideas based on the first 5 minutes alone.

-----

It's group date time and the boys are going to do some sumo wrestling.

Seriously?

I'm not a busy person, like, I'm busy, but I have free-time. However, I do not have time for this. No one does.

Any group date that features this many blurred out butts is pretty bad. Kaitlyn thinks they are sexy.

Some of the little tiny men try to wrestle the real sumo wrestlers and it's like watching Michael Jordan play my dad in basketball.

Tony gives it a shot and fah-reaks out. He walks and Kaitlyn follows. He doesn't like showing aggression, he wants to do something peaceful and loving.

"I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy." -- Tony
Honestly? Terrible combination. 

Tony just wants to have a date with non-violence. He wants to connect in other ways.

"Can we not just take a boat ride?" -- Tony

JJ decides to join the convo as he drinks his beer out of a tall stemless wine glass.

Can we get a breakdown on these guys' tattoos? Every one of them has a weird shoulder tattoo.

Kaitlyn realizing that Tony is experiencing real emotions and knows that she offended him, BUT HE OFFENDED HER. SO, BITCH DON'T PLAY.

Old Spice Guy takes Tony away and Kaitlyn joins them.

"I have worked very hard on advancing my emotions and I can't revert back to my primal instincts." -- Tony
He sounds like a dinosaur. 

Kaitlyn tells Tony to hit the showers.

"I want to show you the inside of me." -- Tony
I think he means that literally. Like, he wants to show her his insides.

Kaitlyn has arranged an "exhibition" for the boys to wrestle each. I don't think she knows what an exhibition is.

The boys arrive at the exhibition on bikes while wearing robes.

I sincerely hope these people in attendance did NOT pay to watch this. Right? Explain that to your accountant.

Kaitlyn puts on one of the diapers and "wrestles" the 400-pound guy. He picks her up and slings her around a bit. PEOPLE ARE LOVE'N THIS AND I WONDER IF THEY HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR FAMILY THAT CARE ABOUT THEM. Or, maybe they were served a lot of free alcohol.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME.

Tony meets up with Kaitlyn and tells her he can NO LONGER PARTICIPATE IN THIS CIRCUS.

Amen, Tony! I mean...he is kind of right. These dates don't really allow anyone to get to know anyone. And it's kind of a farce.

"If you want to see what is inside of my heart, I am easily found." -- Tony
Do you think he just means he's on Facebook?

Clint decides to play hard to get and tells JJ he's going to hang back a bit. JJ says, "I don't think you should do that." Clint says it's her move. Terrible tactics there, son.

At one point, Kaitlyn sat down on the couch in Clint's arm crevice and he totally turned his face away from her and smirked.

THIS IS WHERE THE PRODUCERS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US THINK THAT HE IS GAY AND IN LOVE WITH JJ.

Sean B. gets about 12 seconds with KaityKat, plants a kiss on her and lands the rose.

This is exhausting.

------

ChrissyPoo invites KaityKat and Ben Z. on a date.

The two arrive at a warehouse, where ChrissyPoo meets them and tells them there's a code to get out. The basement is actually a dark room filled with fake blood, fake throw-up, maggots and various serpents. The bedroom decor reminds me of "13 Going on 30," but that could be because it was just on E! this weekend like, 6 times. IDK.

They have 45 minutes to figure out clues and get out OR THEY WILL DIE IN THIS GAS CHAMBER.

KaityKat freaks out over a bird and it's all shit from there.

At one point, they kiss.

DO NOT WORRY-- ABC DID NOT KILL THESE TWO IN A GAS CHAMBER.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. GAS CHAMBERS ARE HILARIOUS.
The Holocaust was over 70 years ago and fake gas chambers on dating shows are still not acceptable.

KaityKat ordered some pizza for Ben Z. and invited him over to her place.

Ben Z. thinks it means they have chemistry and forgot that ABC is in charge and they told her to invite him over for pizza.

Kaitlyn asks Ben Z. if he's afraid of snakes, he says no, so then she asks if he wants kids.

"I think I'm an emotional guy. I'm a real emotional guy, but it's all in here [points at head]." -- Ben Z. 
Where else do emotions live, Ben Z.?

This is kind of a weird story, but Ben Z. says he didn't cry the day his mom died and it's the only regret he has in life and he hasn't cried in 11 years. KAITYKAT, YOU BETTER RUN. RUN FAST.

A man that is clearly afraid of snakes, lies to your face about it and then says he didn't cry the day his mom died, needs a shit ton of therapy.

The two of them hit the hot tub and Ben Z. has a terrible shoulder tattoo. It looks like some kind of Spanish flag with warrior wings on it. Do warriors have wings?

Ben Z. gets the rose.

-------

It is time for the group date and KaityKat and this group of BroDudes are going to teach Sex-Ed at an elementary school. Approximately 19 seconds in, I hoped and prayed these children were child actors.

They were child actors. This was ridiculous.

Back at the house, JJ and Clint are CUDDLE BUGGIN' and playing in the pool. They talk about some sort of shower they supposedly took together and ABC is runnin' the Bullshit Express right now. All aboard.

Back at the school, these guys haven't even considered that no 8-year-old would ever ask a stranger these questions. You know how gUrls are always saying, "I can't." Well, I can't.

-----

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME.

Joshua sits Kaity down and tells her that he was really shy in high school.

If you have 5-10 minutes alone with a gUrl and you're fighting for this chick's attention amongst a dozen other suitors-- don't talk about high school. (THAT'S FREE ADVICE, Y'ALL.)

That other Ben takes Kaitlyn to the top of a building and calls her "girlfriend." That was quick, because I didn't know who he was until 4 minutes ago.

We head back to the hot tub with Clint and JJ where they are talking about how much they love turtles. 

Kaitlyn finally gets some time with that guy who manages an Applebee's and she thinks his black eye is really hot.

Kaitlyn thinks "everything" Jerad does makes him sexy. Am I even a gUrl? I don't see it. I mean, he doesn't seem terrible, but sexy and stuff? IDK. IDK.

Ben H. gets the rose, because expectations.

I have such low expectations for everyone on this show.

Jerad is very upset.

------

ROSE CEREMONY PRE-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

KaityKat gives a weird speech about husbands and friction.

This Clint-JJ thing is absolutely absurd.

Clint steals Kaitlyn away and apologizes for the way he has been acting, BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE IS SAYING ALL OF THIS TO GET MORE TIME IN THE HOUSE WITH HIS NEW LOVE, JJ.

ABC, YOU HAVE FOOLED ME. I TOTALLY THINK CLINT IS IN LOVE WITH JJ.

Clint tells JJ he's cute and has a great jawline.

OH MY GOSH. THIS IS SO BELIEVABLE.


I wish I was at an Applebee's right now.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 2.

So, Kaitlyn apologizes to no one for nothing and that house is stocked with a lot of vegetables and a lot of fruit. That being said, I missed about 27 minutes of the show because of severe weather. I was kind of hoping the cable would just completely go out, but it didn't.

I joined the show about the time Kaitlyn was "genuinely concerned" about Jerad. I tried to join right in, but some guy started crying when he talked about his mom cooking all the meals, so I just skipped it all.

-----

Kaitlyn takes Clint on a date in her late '80s Mercedes. I think it's supposed to be vintage, but I don't know much about vintage things.

Apparently, underwater photo shoots are "all the rage," so that is what is happening today.

"Hopefully, we'll have a good connection." -- Clint
Because, there's no better place to chat and get to know someone than underwater. 

Back at the house we learned what love is about and what love isn't about. It's not about beating someone's ass, but it is about discussion.

Kaitlyn's biggest struggle during the photo shoot is not being able to plug her nose. Can you imagine being underwater and not being able to plug your nose? How hard is life?

"That was different because I've never had a first kiss underwater." -- Kaitlyn
Oh.

At the end of the day, Kaitlyn is just looking for a best friend to make out underwater with. And guess what? That's what Clint is looking for, too.

"You're exactly what I'm looking for." -- Kaitlyn
Strong. 

-----

Kaitlyn takes the guys on a group date to an improv show/club where Amy Schumer is waiting.

Amy has the guys tell the best joke they know and they are all jokes a child would tell during an elementary school lunch.

Image Source: ABC Press 


Everyone is focusing on that dentist's shirt. It is a weird color.

JJ, the former investor banker, is super into this date. Also, we learn that he is divorced with a child and lives with his parents.

That's why he is carrying that title around. His mom told him to tell everyone that.

The dentist is really nervous and his jokes sucked, so he just unbuttoned his shirt. Kaitlyn called it "endearing."

Finally, it is Tony's turn. He's so excited he could gag.
First time I've ever heard that one.

Tony starts his set off by giving a speech about thankfulness and gratitude. He never told a joke.

JJ's set must have killed it, because we got to see one joke.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!

"I'm a love virgin." -- Welder
No. 

JJ wants to know if everyone is still interested in winning over Kaitlyn's heart and Tony let him know, that yes, he is.

Then, we learn that Tony was into Britt, but now Kaitlyn has figured out the combination to his heart.

Kaitlyn is very attracted to a man with a child. Clearly, JJ did not lead with the pickup line about living with his parents and being divorced. She was so into him that after he kissed her, she said, "thank you for doing that."

Joe took Kaitlyn outside and just kissed her. They didn't talk at all.

JJ got the rose.


------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kaitlyn feels #soblessed to be in that room with her future husband.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn outside and DEM BOYZ are MAD. Mad. Mad. He is not there to make friends. FORMER INVESTMENT BANKERS DON'T PLAY.

Why is JJ the only guy walking around drinking red wine? That concerns me more than anything.

What is an executive recruiter? Maybe JJ should give the Old Spice guy his resume?

Ian compares his experience in the hospital and maybe not being able to run/walk again to... this.
He thinks being on a reality TV show to a lot like being in a coma.

I've never been in a coma or on a reality TV show, but I don't see it. IDK. IDK.

Everyone hates JJ. He wants to say he's sorry, but he's not sorry.

Tony is the most upset. He thinks "basic respect" has been manipulated. Good luck to Tony in life. Forever.

Kupah (not the guy from Mario Bros.) doesn't want to be there any longer than he has to be. He knows he could be filling a minority quota. Too soon, Kupah. Too soon. This show has been on for 13 years or something-- you can't bring that up now. Then, the conversation got weird and Kaitlyn and Kupah spent the whole time accusing/asking the other, "do you SEE me?"

If someone asked me, "do you SEE me?" I would take them very literally.

Kaitlyn does NOT see him anymore. She did see him, but now she does not see him.
She saw when they talked about music and before this, but now she cannot see him.

Kaitlyn has lost her eyesight.
She can hear everything he is saying, but she just needs some time now.

YOU DON'T QUESTION THE BACHELORETTE.

WHOA. WHO IS THIS REALTOR WITH THE GLASSES?

Kupah goes back to the group to replay his conversation and Kaitlyn hears every word he says, so she calls him out and asks him to leave right there. gUrl don't play.

"That's pretty shitty." -- Kupah
"Yeah, it is." -- Kaitlyn

"I don't want to go home." -- Kupah
This is getting bad. 

"I think you're hot." -- Kupah

Kupah is just chugging his drink and trying to fight. This is the worst breakup I have ever seen on this show.

Kupah questions the producers and just wants to GO HOME, DUDE.
He's yelling and Kaitlyn ain't PLAY'N.

And that was that.


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

the bachelorette :: epi 1 : two for the price of one.

Oh, thank goodness. The world is still wrapped up in what surely has to be God's least favorite time of the week.

So, this season of the "The Bachelorette" presents us with two women and 25 men who must choose between the two women. TWIST. We start the season for a 4-hour recap of the two gUrls' lives from birth to present.

gUrl1: Britt
She that makeup gUrl from the last season.

gUrl2: Kaitlyn
She that gUrl with jokes.

Since we have another 2 hours of this debacle of debauchery, this will be a quick breakdown.

-----

THE GUYS

Jonathan-- he works in the "extremely fun" automotive industry. Maybe that's why the whole city of Detroit is in the shitter-- everyone thinks manufacturing cars is "extremely fun." Also, this guy said he had a son and now he has a constant companion and friend and someone to have his back at all times. He said this about a child. I mean, I feel you, J... at this point, I want to have children because I honestly don't know who is going to take care of me when I'm 80. There won't be anybody to take my keys away from me, so I'll just be driving myself around with poor eyesight and slow reactionary timing.

Stripper-- His mom must feel so confused. "This is my son, the aspiring lawyer who would love for you to touch his chest."

Welder in Idaho-- Keep moving.

Restaurant Manager-- His pickup line has to be, "You know that Applebee's on the interstate outside of Bowling Green-- that's me!" What is this LoveMan thing? His dog wears a cape. Everything is sad.

Meditation Guy-- The further he drifts away in his mind the closer he gets to where he wants to be. I hope he never drifts my way. Also, he kissed his plants.

-----

So, the guys start arriving and I have to imagine that it's a terrible feeling to compete for attention like that. I used to tell my prettiest friends they weren't allowed to talk at certain events because I didn't want guys to like them more. (A tactic that has really worked for me, ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The more I watch the more I want Hillary Clinton to be president.

The stripper arrives and I mean. How does that happen? How does anyone think that is okay? In all seriousness, would they ever let a female stripper on the show? If so, would she be able to do that to a guy?

That one guy is trolling Britt so hard with the Kleenex.
Zing!!!!!!!

g2 wants to be the bachelorette, so she ran inside.
g1 "needs" to be the bachelorette.

I think one of those plants must have punched that meditation guy.

The guys are inside debating who they like more. One time, in 8th grade I had my best friend call this guy I liked and he didn't know I was on the line and she asked him if he liked me. He was sweet about it, but he still said NO WAY IN HELL. That's what this feels like.

That one guy is wasted. I've been a lot of places in my life and even in the worst of those places, that guy is the worst.

"I want to take both of them out for a nice steak dinner and never call them again." -- Drunk Guy
I'm into that. 

So, the guy with the hot tub car pulls up.

From an engineering perspective, I have so many questions. Does it meet government safety standards? Are there seat belts?

So, somewhere in California there is a 22-year-old production assistant who excitedly told his mother he got a job on a TV show. Then, he was the one who had to drive that hot tub car off-camera and all of his dreams died. He went back to school and got a business degree.

-----

The party finally starts and BORED.

The drunk guy got grabby and Chris Harrison put him in an all-white Larry van and that was that.

Side note: if you're a former investment banker, you're not an investment banker. You don't get to carry the title with you.

A former anything is a current unemployed something.

"You have a sponsor child." -- Guy
"Yes! It's my everything." -- g1
Confession-- I quit my sponsor child once. She just wasn't pulling her weight, you know. I'm kidding. Sorry, Patricia. 

So, if you're an amateur sex coach that means you're a sex coach for free. Which means you're actually just a guy handing out unsolicited sex advice.

Conclusion: amateur sex coach is honestly the saddest thing I have ever thought could happen to a person. Ever.

Follow-up conclusion: I'm sure there are people out there who need sex advice. Some of those people might even pay for it. But, would they pay a guy who drives a hot tub car for it? No.

Sad. Sad. Sad. I'd rather watch the evening news (because what's more depressing?) than think about this guy's life plan for one more second.