Tuesday, February 2, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 5.

Ben really loves Mexico City and he really knows his stuff.

"It's the political AND cultural capital of the country." -- Ben, re: Mexico City 

"I feel like Mexico City is going to be a really good place to fall in love." -- Ben
I can't question your feelings, Ben. But, you also think TV is a good place to fall in love. 

He would say the same thing about Senor Frogs in Cancun.

The gUrls arrive at the hotel and most of them have never been to a hotel before.

"It's one of those hotels that just makes you feel special." -- gUrl
Sounds very "Pretty Woman."

-----

Ben does old Bach trick where he wakes up his G at like, NO A.M. All the gUrls act like they've never woken up early or ever. My family used to leave on road trips at 3 am.

Instead of going back to sleep crazy Olivia gUrl (COG) decided to not go back to sleep. COG has decided that Ben is not ready to be a dad.

Ben has decided to take Amanda in a hot air balloon. He's dressed like a model from Eddie Bauer. He's probably the last guy on earth who shops at Eddie Bauer.

The hot air balloon drops them off in a field, so I assume the next part of the date will involve some sort of kidnapping for drug money or something?

Ben just wants to be around Amanda and see what "life is like" or something.

Ben is legit the type of guy that dips his Oreos in milk.

Ben is learning that Amanda is a beautiful person.
But, there's still a lot he wants to know.

Amanda was cheated on by a super shitty dude, who was also the father of her children. It's a terrible story. I don't know why she would add to the story by coming on this show.

Ben cannot believe Amanda is here and giving up her time to be here.

Ben is not going to run and he ready to talk through "us."

Amanda gets the rose.

-----

GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Jubilee hates group dates. She just hates competing with other gUrls for a man's love.
So, she's never heard of this show before? This is a totally new concept for her?

The group heads to a classroom to learn a little bit of Spanish.
Then, they have to say inappropriate things in Spanish to Ben.

LIKE, SORRY-- IT MEANS THE SAME THING IF YOU SAY IT IN SPANISH.
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY, "I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU."

Jubilee ain't having any of this shit.

"Jubilee was throwing 'tude." -- gUrl
Ben looked annoyed. 

Of course, COG was pretty convinced that it was real. IT WAS ELECTRIC.

WHY THE ACTUAL F WAS HE EVEN FAKE DOWN ON ONE KNEE?
GET IT TOGETHER, ABC.

The group heads to a Mexican restaurant to "cook some real Mexican food."

"We get to taste Mexico with our stomachs." -- Olivia
That isn't a thing people say!!!!!!

Everyone has to break into teams of two with Olivia and Jubilee fighting over Ben, so of course, Olivia wins. BEN LOOKS SO THRILLED.

HE ALSO LOOKS LIKE HE KNOWS HE COULD BE MURDERED SOON.

I'm bored. They have to cook food, but the recipes are in Spanish.
OH NO, WHAT A LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THIS IS LIKE FOR A PERSON?

Olivia is treating this time as a one-on-one.

That twin wants to throw up.

"And her breath is horrible." -- Twin
To be blunt, her mouth smells like "horseshit."

Ben thinks it'll be "fun" to see the woman cook with different utensils?????????

Why does he think Mexico has different utensils??????

Spatulas are NOT different in Mexico.
Are they??????

Ben likes that people are smiling and cooking.
Ben does not like that Jubilee might be holding back a little bit on having fun.

You know what? JUBILEE DOES NOT THINK THIS IS FUN.
SO.




The chefs sit down to eat the prepared dishes and they are being really sweet.
Just like, "could be better" stuff. They probably want to puke, though.

Jubilee's dish WINS and the chefs want it in their restaurant.

I'm calling bullshit.


------

GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!

Olivia wants to go into this night and just "reconnect."
Somehow, she gets Ben first and gets him to kiss her.

Jubilee cannot handle this.
And she definitely cannot handle Ben taking Lauren B. out to the streets of Mexico City.

Jubilee is not used to being overshadowed. Luckily, someone told the Producers that and Ben came to get her for a talk. Ole Jubz didn't even want to hold Ben's hand.

"Do I stick out at all?" -- Jubilee
Oh. Well. Yes?

Jubilee thinks Ben doesn't even REMEMBER THEIR ONE-ON-ONE DATE!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben remembers, but he's like-- you got attitude, gUrl!!!!!!!!!!

This is all very childish. So, it's really great TV.

Ben is "just confused."
Ben doesn't know if he can fix it, so he "might have to say goodbye."

In a very short amount of time, Ben has decided that nothing could exist between Jubilee and himself. This transition happened very quickly. But, Jubz is the other gUrl who could murder potentially murder him, so it is best he get at least one future murderer out of his life.

Ben walks Jubz out. She has to get in a really scary Toyota Corolla.
The show didn't even get her one of those sadass mini-vans.
: (

Ben sits on the steps and fake cries for a few minutes. Mostly, he's upset that Jubilee could end up somewhere unsafe because he put her in a sketchy Mexico City cab. This is on him now.

JoJo steps in to rescue Ben. He says he's done breaking up with people after this.
THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER SHOW, BENJI. WHOLE OTHER SHOW.

After his pep talk, Ben has decided that this is all worth it.
He better be getting at least, $300,000 for this bull shit.

Olivia's "reconnect plan" worked. She got the date rose. Very odd.

-----

The other gUrls "don't get" his connection with Olivia. They are having that moment every G has-- "if he liked her once, how could he now like me? She's PSYCHO."

-----

Ben and the gUrl with the accent are headed to a Mexican Fashion Week show. You know what they say about fashion weeks-- Paris, Milan, Mexico City.

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

Ben asked Lauren H. if she had ever modeled and she told us, "I can't get high cheek bones."
What?

Teacher gUrl is a teacher, not a model.

"Soft elbows." -- Fashion lady
That's exactly the direction I would expect someone to give a model. 

Ben gives Lauren a pep talk while wearing a VERY OFFENSIVE shirt. That shirt should be allowed.






I fast-forwarded to dinner.

"It's been a slow burn." Ben, re: his relationship with Lauren H. 
The phrase "slow burn" usually describes a sexually transmitted disease of like, something that catches on late in its existence, like an album or a movie. 

I hope Lauren H. has now heard Ben say this about her. 
I hope she's kind of pissed. 

I am super bored.

Lauren H. got cheated on. A year after being cheated on, she woke up on her burrday and said, "I CAN CHOOSE."

Bored.

She starts crying when Ben says today was a fun day.
That's too easy.
If you start crying when a boy says, "that was fun" you aren't okay. She probably thinks a boy patting her on the head is him being sexy with her, too. : (

She gets the rose.

YAWN.

------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've come to the point in the season where the other gUrls are ready to sabotage another gUrl.
Ben plays his part by saying something about "just want to know if these gUrls are being real."

Unscripted my ass.

Amanda is sharing her feelings with the gUrls and talking about her kids. The gUrls are being sweet and listening.

"I feel like this an episode of 'Teen Mom.'" -- Olivia
Them's definitely fightin' words. 

Listen, I'm a proud "Teen Mom" watcher and if someone ever compared me to someone on that show-- whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Some of those chicks have their shit together, but mostly-- they all need some therapy and time away from the cameras.

Not something you say to a single mother. No matter her age.

Twin sits down and starts crying.

Ben has finally decided that he's not seeing something in Olivia.
HE SEEMS TO BE MISSING SOMETHING.

Ben and Olivia sit down, for the 19th time or so.

Twin calls other Twin in tears.

"Olivia is being so rude." -- Twin

All these Bs be crying, so Ben interrupts the rose ceremony and decides to pull Olivia aside.

The gUrls have decided that Ben can "do whatever he wants" and all the rules are out the window.

Oh, of course. TO BE CONTINUED.
FML.



------

My good friend and avid fan "The Bachelor" needs your help! Courtney Backus Norton is participating in the 14th Annual Kiss a Pig Gala “Uncle Ham Wants You”-- for the local chapter of the American Diabetes Association. 

Courtney has enlisted the help of a very special pig to help her raise money and awareness for this special cause. Wiley has been traveling all over the country to help her out, but he always make time for his favorite show on Monday nights. Nothing says "let's cure diabetes" like shitty TV, right?!



To help Courtney and the American Diabetes Association out, check out www. snortinnorton.org. You can also follow Wiley on Instagram, at @WatchWiley

ChrissyPoo Harrison won't see any of your donations-- this is all going to the good folks of the ADA, so help a sister out. 




Tuesday, January 26, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 4.

In 2005 I thought watching this show every Monday night was something fun to do with my friends. I regret that now.

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Chris Harrison rolls in and tells the ladies they are headed to Las Vegas and I swear they must have heard, "Princess Kate is throwing you a brunch" by the way they reacted. I mean, sure, a free trip is a free trip, but we're talking about Nevada here. I would expect this reaction if Chris had said, "you're all going on a Disney cruise!"

Whatever.

Why is Ben driving that old Mustang around? If you are trying to tell me that Ben drives anything but a white Honda Accord, YOU ARE INSANE. Like, clinical.

A helicopter comes and picks up Ben and JoJo, while Olivia is having a psychotic break back in the hotel room. One moment she is the chillest and the next, she is crying and looks like she may have slept in a ditch the night before.

----

JoJo knows herself and knows she has a hard time opening up. Ben, on the other hand, is wearing a splatter paint blazer.

JoJo just got out of a relationship. Ben is sorry and he doesn't want her to hold back.

Ben's haircut is the saddest.

JoJo gets the rose, BUT THERE IS MORE.

"I've had the best time." -- Ben
This guy knows all the words and shit. 

Ben takes JoJo out on the balcony to watch some fireworks. They make out and Olivia is upset that her "husband" is out there kissing another woman. She is very "upset."

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

What's up with those twins?

Ben takes the ladies to a ventriloquist show and considering Brooks & Dunn, Britney Spears and Celine were all doing shows in Vegas when this was shot-- : (

The gUrls have to have a competition. The twins feel like they are ahead of the game.

"I don't think many people have talents." --gUrl
YOU SAID IT. 

Everyone thinks Olivia has a secret hidden talent. Arson isn't a talent, gUrl. Neither is stalking.

The gUrls have to perform their "talents" on stage in front of a bunch of drunk people who couldn't get tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

Each G gets to perform for approximately 35 seconds.

Olivia pops out of a cake wearing nothing but sequins and a cape. Her dancing wasn't even as good as a middle school teacher at a middle school dance.

That one chick wore her normal clothes and hit a tennis ball through a hula hoop. SKILLZ. You can't learn that shit in school.

Olivia is now in a bathroom crying. We've all been there, gurl. But, most of us don't put on a sequined thong and bounce on stage like we're the closing act a VBS show with some nervous, sugar-high children.

-----

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caila wants to stand out in front of the other gUrls. She's used to being spoiled and getting attention. NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU, G. NOT THE SHOW FOR YOU.

"She's like a sex panther." -- Ben
What the F is a sex panther?
The guy who probably couldn't accurately describe an Old Navy fleece is now calling a gUrl a "sex panther."

Ben took that puppet and then that gUrl with the accent kissed it and it was very odd. I felt very weird.

Olivia pulls Ben aside and it was dumb. She said she was trying to be sexy, but still wanted to be awkward. Then, she stuck her fingers in her mouth for 12 seconds or so.

Blonde hair gUrl says she's in love, BUT, she's never been this scared to be in love.

Olivia is back.

Let's talk about Ben's leather jacket. Can't you just see Badass Ben toolin' around in a Hyundai Sonata with that jacket on? Why does he have on a jacket and those gUrls are sitting there looking very chilly.

Somebody got a rose. I don't know her name.

------

It's time for the one-on-one date and Becca got a big ass package in the mail. It's a wedding dress.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

Becca is really excited, because of "who Ben is as a person."

Becca goes to meet Ben at a wedding chapel and he gets down on a one knee like a total assboat and pretended to propose.

Ben is going to legally marry couples today. HE CAN'T EVEN TUCK HIS DAMN SHIRT IN.
ASSBOAT.



Travis looks like a cell phone salesman. Leah looks like someone who knits a lot.

WELL, EVERYONE-- WE HAVE REACHED THE POINT OF A RECYCLED DATE IN "BACHELOR" LAND. THEY HAVE DONE THIS WHOLE SIGN THING BEFORE.

"I want to know if she can love, if she can feel." -- Ben

Why is Ben so concerned about IF she can feel? Not, if she has feelings for him, but IF she can feel.

Now, we have to have this whole Becca is a virgin conversation. She's drinking whiskey, he's drinking red wine. RED FLAG.

-----

That whole twin thing. IDK. If Ben was the one who actually recognized that he needed to put a stop to this horse shit-- GOOD FOR HIM. I imagine it was some production assistant who disagreed with having twins on in the first place and made the producers promise that this wouldn't go past four episodes or something.

What's next? A mother-daughter duo?

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Olivia pulls Ben aside for the 293rd time. Ben is drinking a cocktail with an entire lemon in his glass. Like, what is he drinking and how can he even get to it with ONE FULL LEMON in that glass?






Olivia keeps apologizing.
She also said she is not insecure.
Listen, I don't know much about much (minus presidents and country music), but I know what an insecure human looks like and sounds like. AND WE ARE LOOKING AT ONE.

"I don't need you to apologize to me for jumping out of a cake." -- Ben
BULLSHIT, Benny. She needs to apologize for watching you sleep at night, too. 

Olivia then tells Ben she is FALLING FOR HIM and it's the coolest feeling in the world.

"I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere." -- Olivia

As soon as she said that you could tell that she realized-- I could be going somewhere if you make me leave, but she stuck to her guns. And she probably, actually has a gun on her.

JoJo told Olivia that she is asinine. Olivia handled it very gracefully.
Gracefully = she truly believes Ben is communicating with her telepathically.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"All eyes are on me." -- Olivia

OLIVIA IS THE KANYE WEST OF "THE BACHELOR."

This woman isn't okay. Also, shame on the producers for just letting her sit there and babble and then dubbing it over the ENTIRE rose ceremony.

Who is Leah?

Olivia thinks she gets the final rose because she's the best. I think Ben is telling her to lock her shit up. She has NOT kept her game tight. At all.

Other chick that got cut thinks she got cut because she didn't kiss Ben.
I think she is totally right. : /

End scene.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 2.

The last 7 days have been spent hoping and praying the ABC Producers would try a little something different tonight, like an episode without the gUrls or Ben. Or both.

Nope. Not only are all the ladies here, but so is Ben and they are all going to high school.

ChrissyPoo Harrison meets up with all of beauty school dropouts and not one of these gUrls would be able to wear their shorts in an actual high school. Finger tip rule, chicas!

"Ben really loves apples." -- Chris
THE F. 

Then, Ben makes some sick joke about what would've happened if his teachers would've been this good looking in high school.

I've been on a lot of first dates-- Some really great first dates and some really terrible first dates.
THIS ISN'T EVEN A DATE.
THEY ARE IN A HIGH SCHOOL CARRYING AROUND BACKPACKS.
What is even in the backpacks?


"Basketball really means a lot to me." -- Ben
America, this is your Bachelor. 

Holy shit. Ben is making these gUrls race for his heart.
One G is barefoot, the other is wearing pink shorts from Old Navy.
The barefoot gUrl won and now she's the most unlikely homecoming queen ever.

Do they still make lettermen's jackets?

Now, Ben is in an old Mustang just toolin' around the track with his queen. Literally, they took like, 9 laps.

-----

AFTER DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becca, who I guess is crazy because she is here, decided to be here BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE HERE. She takes her wine and her basketball to a private court to shoot a hoop or two with Benny. Yes, just one hoop. She shot it once and then told Ben he could take his shirt off, but he didn't.

"My wife could be in this group." -- Ben
#Prayers4Ben

Out of nowhere, Ben throws on a really ugly blazer and kisses someone named Jen. I can only assume she got the first kiss because their names rhyme.

I actually agree with this tactic.

Ol' gUrl Lace (OGL) is not feelin' it, but she is talking about herself in third person.

"Who's Lace? What's she about?" -- Lace
#OGL

Lace starts off her conversation by apologizing. She thinks Ben is THANKFUL for her apology.
What an odd thing to think/feel.

OGL thinks Ben is making eye contact with her, but I feel more like she was casting some sort of spell on him.

Jubilee saves Ben before Lace can totally finish her spell. Ben thanks her for pouring her soul out. He then kisses her. The kiss seemed like a handshake more than a kiss. Conversation is over, we've gotta do something type of thing.

All of the ladies have been sitting around drinking and bitching. A terrible combination.
UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A REALITY TV DATING SHOW.

OGL gets up TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN.
AND OH HELL NO THEY ALL SAID.
OH HELL NO.

The ladies are frustrated because LACE HAS TALKED TO BEN TWICE NOW.
TWICE.

Can you believe that?

Ben decides to take some gUrl in a dress to the top of a building. Ben wanted to thank the gUrl in a blue dress for her great attitude. This feels like one of those Daddy-Daughter dates I see on Facebook all of the time. No man has ever taken me on a date and thanked me for my attitude (could be a me thing, though, IDK).

Ben can only give the rose to one person and he gives it to the gUrl in the blue dress.
I find out her name is JoJo, which is a real name, I guess?
He called her JoJo, so it could be on her birth certificate?


 ------

We head back to the house and learn that Ben has decided to continue this process. That's right, Ben still thinks this process could work.

ChrissyPoo was in charge of the one-on-one date today and he decided Ice Cube and Kevin Hart should go on the date with Ben and and that gUrl.

This is odd because Ice Cube nor Kevin Hart need to be on this show to help their careers.

Kevin wants to go on the date, Ice Cube does not.

gUrls are screaming.

Lace is mostly mad because Ben is driving?

The guys take Ben to a liquor store.
NOW, THIS IS A DATE.

"What's your favorite color?" -- Ben
This is your Bachelor, America. 

This chick is easy to please because she called riding in a car "out of the box."

Now, they are at a hot tub store and they are actually in a hot tub. Kevin Hart is also in the hot tub.


-----

SOME G IS FACETIME'N HER KIDS ON LIKE, AN IPHONE 3. : (

-----

Ben and super boring chick who really likes riding in cars with boys (come on, nailed it) are now at dinner.

Ben wants to know, straight up, what kind of qualities gUrl who has a name, but I don't know it, is looking for in a man.

She says she wants a dreamer or something?

NOW, BEN IS LIKE.

"What if everyone walks away?" -- Ben
Holy shit, Ben. 
Who is the gUrl who tried to feed you to wolves?

gUrl met a guy on a plane, but she was more obsessed with being featured in the Southwest magazine than actually marrying the dude, so it didn't work out.

Oh, her name is CAILA?
It was on a sign, but was there a typo?
That's not how you spell KAYLA.

Of course, one of Ben's favorite singers is Amos Lee.
I just learned everything I need to know about Ben.

"This is my favorite song. Like, of all-time." -- Ben
To clarify, he's saying this about an Amos Lee song, not a song off of Jay-Z's Black album or a deep cut from Billy Joel. 

There is kissing.

------

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!

The gUrls get off of an elevator and an iPad invites the ladies to enter the LOVE LAB.

Ben wants to know if science can help him find love.
But, science calls for everyone to wear very smile white outfits.
Ben gets to be fully clothed.

Okay, this is gross.
An odor test.

I definitely quit paying attention for a while.

One gUrl did say, "I think this is really valuable."
She probably reads horoscopes.
Oh, she also tried to kiss him while everyone was watching.

One gUrl got a really low score.

"You're trying to marry a guy and a doctor says, 'hey P.S. you're not compatible.' THAT WOULD BE REALLY EMBARRASSING." -- gUrl
There is actually some truth in that statement. 

------

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME AT THE BACHELOR PAD!!!!!!!!!

Ben really believes that those tests meant something.

"So, this is my bachelor pad." -- Ben
America, this is your most eligible. 

Ben is wearing a hoodie and a blazer. Somehow, he still got this chick to kiss him.

Let me set it up for you-- his line is, "this is my bachelor pad," he's wearing a hoodie with a blazer and she still kissed him.

Ben gave his jacket to every gUrl he talked to.
Oh, sorry. That gUrl has a blanket. It really looked like something Ben would wear though.

That one chick says she only PACKED A PAIR OF JEANS AND TWO BOTTLES OF VODKA.
Pick her, Ben!
Pick her.

Screw science! That gUrl is the real deal.

The gUrl with the kids tells Ben that she has two "kiddos running around."
She actually just said she had two daughters.

Ben isn't scared of kids, so he kisses The Mom.

Olivia and science get the rose.
She says the show is over now.

The mom is crying.

------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben walks into the party and literally, four or five gUrls scream.

Oh, shit.

Ben just casually quoted John Mayer.
This guy.
He probably writes Dave Matthews lyrics in greeting cards.

Ben's smoothest move is offering his jacket to gUrls.

Science gUrl steals Ben because she wants to take him "to a secret spot and kiss him until his lips fall off."

One of the gUrls calls Science gUrl a "selfish bitch."
Those are like, real fightin' words.

Lace decides to pull Science gUrl aside.

Turns out, Science gUrl is a master manipulator. She convinces Lace that she just needs to go for it and give it her all.

Lace gets some time with Ben.
I think Ben is drinking straight vodka.
Hopefully, he got it from that one chick.

Lace tells Ben she was really dorky looking when she was a kid. She has no photos with her, so she describes the photos to Ben. Can you imagine anything worse than looking at someone's childhood photos? Oh, I can! Listening to someone describe their childhood photos!

She is still talking about herself in third person, but now she's crying, too.

gUrl with blonde hair gets some time with Ben and he pulls out a photo for her.  A PHOTO OF THE TWO OF THEM.

"I had this made." -- Ben
He's acting like he commissioned a portrait. 
He had Walgreens print off one 4x6. 
One 4x6. 

"I don't know how to make you feel really special." -- Ben
Smooth. 

This guy.

-----

Ben finds The Mom and asks to open an Etsy shop with her.

Ben 'N' Mom's Thangs and Things.etsy.com

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

BEN JUST WANTS SOME TIME TO THINK STUFF THROUGH.
I wish he would've done that when they approached him about being on this show.

The quiet gUrl from Oklahoma is FAH-REAKIN' out, Ben calls her name and now she pulls him aside.

She decides to leave.
Good for her.

Ben is okay with this because he wants the ladies to be "empowered."

"Ben doesn't even know who I am." -- gUrl
I feel bad because I don't know her name either. 

Of course, that gUrl got the rose and her name was Amber.

The homecoming queen didn't get a rose.

"They came here to meet me and now I have to ask them to leave? It doesn't make sense." -- Ben
But, that is the ACTUAL premise of the show. 




Tuesday, January 5, 2016

the bachelor :: ben : epi 1.

Holy hell.

I prayed and prayed that no doors would be opened for me to view this show. I also prayed I would figure out how to forget my password for this site before January 4, 2016. Doors were opened and my password was saved. Here we are again-- the Recap of Shit.

Season 212, episode 1, ABC's "The Bachelor."

I am a smart gUrl, but I am dumbfounded by this guy. Ben Higgins is 26 years old, very decent looking, with a bad haircut, and a college degree. He is also sad, believes he can't be loved and is on a TV show attempting to find a wife. Put away the red flags-- there are none! HE. IS. PERFECT.


How many times has he stated that some G told him he was somethingsomethingIDK, broke up with him and now he's all, "WHAT IF I AM UNLOVABLE?"



LISTEN TO ME.
I am a little insane. Maybe, asinine. I am smart, my parents are still married and I have season football tickets for the University of Arkansas Razorbacks. I AM LOVABLE. What the hell, Ben? WHO HURT YOU? This chick better be Taylor Swift or at least, Karlie Kloss, because you are more than normal and above average looking. Get your shit together and quit dickin' around. I do not feel sad for you in the regards that you were broken up with as a junior in college. I feel sad for you that you are 26 and think you should be sharing a Facebook profile with someone at this point in your life.

WHAT IS THE DEAL, BEN HIGGINS?


-----

Do these Gs know this is a guy named BEN and not Prince William?
Like, if Willie Geist was on this show I could understand the excitement.

-----

Normally, at this point in the show I'm going to make fun of the CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST.

Listen, Tyson Chicken is 7 miles up the road from me. I too am a chicken enthusiast. Get in line, grandma, every night is Sunday night dinner at my house.

WHAT IS HIS HAIRCUT, ABC? Not everyone needs a fade, okay?

Ole G comes up and says she is good at pick-up lines. Guess what? So are most people who approach men on street corners. ZING. Stop it. I know.

Everyone, step back for a second.
Ole Ben is 26.
2-6.
Where were you at 26?

At 26, I was single, but super dating a dude and had already been in 4,5632 weddings. I had a job and a couple of nice things. I also had student loans and still called my dad to fill out my insurance forms every year.

I was NOT ready to go on TV to find a husband. I still am not ready to go on TV and find a husband.

I would be willing to find a husband on the internetsS. Get to work.

-----



Okay, they paid these chicks to do this, right?

I mean. I always thought Becca was a normal human who had a moment of insanity when signing up for this show.

I'm not married. Barely been close once, but-- people don't honestly believe this is their last shot right? Their hail mary at 29? It's 99 and goal, so might as well hit up ABC?

Ben saw Becca and his face went from WORST TO FIRST in about zero seconds.

-----

I skipped almost an entire hour because I was watching Taylor Swift videos on YouTube. Now, we're at the rose ceremony.

Have you seen the one where J. Lo comes out and sings "Jenny From the Block" with her? It is very interesting and always relevant.

-----

I do have a real question-- why are these twins on here? Seems like a mostly bad idea. Is this a "Sister Wife" thing or just a thing? Do they know they are competing?


-----

"Do I want a rose? Of course, I want a rose! That gUrl freakin' brought a rose in on her head!" -- gUrl, about another gUrl

Cut to the gUrl wearing the rose and then getting a rose.
How has this show never won an Emmy?



That G in the black was kind of being a diva all night, so no one is surprised that she got a rose and that one at that.

I always love the awkward march up to the Bach by the women who were not given a rose. I wish more gUrls really strutted their shit and made it a thang. Instead, they just kind of whisper (like there aren't microphones everywhere) and sputter off into the hills of Malibu.

-----

Another honest question: have you ever cried after a first date?
No? Okay, me neither.

Have you ever cried after like, a big group dinner where you kind of crushed on a guy, but then you just drove home after the dinner?
Yeah, seems crazy, right?

-----

That gUrl pulled Ben aside and is kind of mumbling and like, IDK.

"The issue is that I didn't make eye contact with you during the rose ceremony?" -- BachBen
Oh. 

Listen.
We are going to be judged for this someday. When that highlight reel rolls after we enter the Pearly Gates we will have to account for our time. For every 2 hours of your life you spend watching The Bach, you should give 19 rides to the airport and work 6 hours in your church nursery. I think that evens things out and gets you some jewels in your crown.

Amen.

------

ALSO. SHOUT OUT TO OUR NEWEST VIEWER OF THE BACH-- LIL' JAKE BIRD. WELCOME TO THE BIG SHOW!


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : the finale.

Listen. I don't have a problem with Chris Harrison. I know he doesn't write his script. And hopefully, prayerfully, he doesn't pick out his own shirts. That pink thing is an absolute disaster.

We have finally come to a closing point on this trip down love's hellacious highway.

So. Kaitlyn's family is intriguing. KaityCat's sister is like, the biggest Bach fan EVER. She's all, "Nick V. ?!"

Dad and StepMom are super chill, while sister is explaining the rules of who all this stuff works.

"I am totally shocked that he is here." -- Mom
Then, Kaitlyn went on to tell her mom that she did the sex'n with Nick. 

Nick shows up and he's not really nervous, he just wants to be himself. Before going inside, Kaitlyn informs Nick that she told everyone about the sex'n.

StepMom Kathy, KathyCat, is so out of element.

SisterCat literally just said, "I hope he's here for the right reasons." She has waited her entire life to go on television and say that to a camera. KIDS, IF YOU DREAM BIG ENOUGH AND WORK HARD ENOUGH...

Mom pulls Nick aside and the real shit show begins. Talk about two gamers.

Mom goes on and on about how much she hated him on Andi's season.

"What does she see in you?" -- Mom
Ouch.

"Kaitlyn has told me there's a huge attraction to you. What is that?" -- Mom
Oh.

Nick starts to cry. I would cry too, if someone was all, "HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE YOU? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

Nick kind of asks for KaityCat's hand in marriage. Mom says, "sure."

She's on the Nick train now. ALL ABOARD. Next stop: Shitsville.

"I love every part of your daughter." -- Nick, to Dad
Better words, Nick. Dad knows you did the sex'n. 

Dad gives the bless'n.

"I'd be happy if the ring was put on her finger and Nick was the one who put it there." -- Dad
That is the most literal way to describe your daughter's engagement.


------

It's Shawn's turn in the gauntlet of traditional Canadian familial settings.

I feel like when Shawn is talking to the camera, he's yelling. I know he's not actually yelling, but it feels like he could be.

StepDad is stepping up his game this round.

Shawn brought SisterCat a gift for her kids and she's already switched teams.

StepMom isn't even on the screen this time around.

Mom just wants to ask Shawn about the sex'n. She wants to know how Shawn really feels about the sex'n.

"How are you going to handle that feeling of jealousy in the outside world?" -- Mom
Outside world? 

Shawn is only a rageful, jealous person because HE IS SO IN LOVE WITH HER, MOM. Once this is EXCLUSIVE and KaityCat is ALL HIS, there won't be  SINGLE PROBLEM. Because she will BE HIS and ONLY HIS.

Duh.

Mom isn't concerned that Shawn just told her there wouldn't be anymore problems because SHE WOULD BE ALL HIS. She just thinks it is wonderful.

Sister is now TOTALLY Team Shawn.

Shawn sits down with Dad. Dad has nodded once and said "sure" twice. One cracked smile and another head nod. He's so Team Shawn.

"I'd be so proud to have her as my gUrl." -- Shawn
I hope my dad would punch a man if that was a part of his speech to marry me. 

Shawn asks Mom and Dad for their blessings. Mom, of course, has a million things to say. Dad formed his statement as rhetorical questions.

BLESSINGS BESTOWED!

-------

FINAL DATE TIME WITH NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick wants to have a big barbecue with both of their families.

"I feel all those good feelings." -- Kaitlyn
Is something a person who has no real feelings would say.

Nick just wants KaityCat on his couch.

The boat has docked and KaityCat is now on NICK'S COUCH AT HIS AIR BNB.
KIDS, IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH.

These two lovebirds are just recapping their love story.

"I'm just happy you wanted this to be more than just text." -- Kaitlyn
Cat emoji with heart eyes. 

If I ever have to say that to a man, I will not.

Nick pulls the whole, "Hey...I got you something, it's in my room..." card.
Kaitlyn totally falls for it.

It's the shittiest picture frame you have ever seen.

How did Nick's shirt get unbuttoned. Surely she didn't do that?

That picture frame is something you give your grandmother. MAYBE. My grandmother wouldn't be into that.

NICK, ARE YOU NOT INTO PUNCTUATION?
And you don't just get to pick random words to capitalize. There's like, a pattern and rules to it.



That frame, y'all.
This chick is like, what 30? She can't be that into that frame.
I don't think she'd even put that on her wedding registry at the local store her mom made her register at so all her Sunday school friends can buy them a gift.


KaityCat can see Nick as her husband.

------

SHAWN'S TURN FOR A DATE!

Shawn is dressed like he's going to the gym. Kaitlyn is not.

Shawn wants to toast to their last date. AMEN. DRINK IT UP.

Kaitlyn apologizes for something and she starts petting Shawn's leg hair. Definitely one of the weirder things I've seen this week.

IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL DATE.

Shawn realizes the day has been a little awkward. Maybe it's awkward that Kaitlyn is chugging whiskey and you are drinking a Miller High Life, bro.

KaityCat's mind and heart are in SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES.

This is all very confusing to her. It's not easy.

Kaitlyn is all, "this has been hard on us," and then launches into the whole... "you know you have to watch me do the sex'n with Nick on the TV, right?"

Shawn is all, "My DVR is already set, gUrl!!!!!!!!"

Shawn has a gift for Kaitlyn, too.

"Shawn put together a memory jar...a couple of notes he had wrote me." -- Kaitlyn
You see see, he had wrote me these notes and he had put them in a jar.

Kaitlyn is convinced that no couple has as many memories as they do together.
NO ONE. NOT EVEN COUPLES WHO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER A WHOLE YEAR.

------

Neil Lane comes by to schlep jewelry at both these guys and Nick is all, "I've done this before!" Neil is like, "eh?" Neil is very saddened by Nick's story. I am sad that he doesn't know how to button shirts.

-----

NICK IS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

Nick finds his block and just needs a moment. KaityCat totally just wants this to be over. How can he not see this on her face? Nick. Come on, man. Look at her. She's about to throw up into that beautiful pool.

Kaitlyn doesn't stop him until he pulls the damn ring box out.

"No? All right." -- Nick

video

Her heart is just with somebody else. 

GET OUT OF THERE, NICK.

Nick gets in that limo and examines the ring. At least he's not out all that cash. Just his dignity. Which, he can't buy. So. Lose-lose. 

Nick tries to take a drink of water, but he has to throw that Irish shit ring off first. 

"I am the world's biggest joke." -- Nick
Nailed it. 

Nick's family is in the audience crying. What a way to go out. 

------

Shawn's limo rolls up.

He has been working on this speech. Again, Kaitlyn looks like she's going to puke. 



"These past couple of months, we had made some incredible memories." -- Shawn
You see, what we had done was we had made some memories. 

Basically, Shawn just said he wants to feel like he's going to throw up for the rest of his life. 

FINALLY. KaityCat gets to REPLY.

"You light me up!" -- KaityCat
Sounds like Mick Jagger. 

Kaitlyn is all like, "you never have to be jealous again. I am yours."
Not the best way to describe the situation. But, IDK.

After hearing that SHE IS HIS FOREVER, SHAWN IS READY.

"I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU." -- Shawn

Shawn basically just proposed by saying he was going to NEVER LET HER GO, EVER.

That was actually a really shitty proposal.
Bored.

And with that.

Life is back to being better because we are free from the tyranny of oppressively shitty TV.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 8.

We open the show with the boyz discussing how bad it is going to hurt when they get thrown off. Joe, being honest, is not as confident. It is obviously some sadass foreshadowing. Like, we will all sit around and feel sorry for the boy talking most effortlessly about handling heartbreak.

Ben gets the date card and the one-on-one date.

"As much fun as we're going to have, I bet there's going to be some serious conversation." -- Ben
: /

Kaitlyn isn't always happy, so she's ready to show that side to Ben. To really show this, she makes Ben row across the ocean? lake? pond? while she just talks out of her ass.

If I wanted to show someone my "other" sides I'd be the one rowing the boat. Not the one enjoying someone else's hard labor.

Ben LOVES walking around islands and thinking about "the vikings."
What does that even mean?

Ben's outfit, categorized as expensive Great Depression wear, does not fit him. He looks like a khakis and sweater vest type of bro. Instead, he's wearing an updated "Newsies" outfit.

Ben and KaityCat are discussing what is and is not husband and wife material. WE ALSO LEARN THAT BEN FEELS UNLOVABLE. Listen, that's sad. But, if a man said that to me I would not be able to keep a straight face. I would also run. Like, he's cute, but I don't have time to tell him how lovable he is.

Would you ever be able to be like, "babe, pick up your damn socks, please?" or would it have to be like, "oh my gosh, angel honey, your cute-ass socks belong somewhere other than this floor and as great as it is that you left them here, I would love, love, love if you moved them."

Ben is all, overnights don't mean physical!
Kaitlyn is all, oh shit, are you a virgin?

------

Kaitlyn is taking Shawn, Nick and Joe on a group date.

Shawn is ready to get back into things and move this relationship forward. Translation: Shawn is ready to stop acting like a baby gUrl.

Kaitlyn cannot believe Shawn didn't kiss her the other day. So, they kissed and EVERYTHING IS BETTER NOW.

Kaitlyn like, can't even believe she has to drop this bomb on Shawn.

"I hate when people don't see things coming." -- KaityCat
Wowowowowowowowow.

Nick interrupts Shawn and is all, "Did you have a good week?"

Like, W T F.

"I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want." -- Kaitlyn

Nick has an entire conversation about the sex'n with his hand in his mouth like my 2-year-old nephew. So, he is basically mumbling and whisper. He's a whispy-mumb.

Meanwhile, Joe is still sitting around in his puffy vest contemplating just "being himself."

Kaitlyn comes to get Joe and he's ready to let her know how he feels about her. The two meander to a bench in the middle of nowhere.


Joe has a really great time with KaityCat. KaityCat asks Joe if he is worried about being engaged. HE IS NOT WORRIED AND HE IS GOING TO PROVE THAT BY INTERRUPTING HER WITH KISSES.

"I could be happy only kissing you for the next 60 years." -- Joe
Crickets. Crickets. 

"What? Did I stutter?" -- Joe
He literally said that. 

Kaitlyn starts the "pack your bags" speech. She just can't imagine saying goodbye to you. She needs to know things, but she just...

"Are you upset with me?" -- Kaitlyn
"Why would I be upset?" -- Joe
"I'm upset."
"Why are you upset? You chose this." 


Kaitlyn asks for a hug and Joe says, "I guess."

Joe asks Kaitlyn what to do and then says, "I don't have shit to say to you right now."
FINALLY. A REAL BREAK-UP.

It feels like all of the dudes have spent most of these season sitting outside being cold.
Is that their fault or the producers? Put on a damn coat. Like, you are sitting on TV shivering.

Kaitlyn doesn't feel right about handing out a rose. She feels great about Nick and needs more time with Shawn.

------

NIGHTTIME.

Shawn just needs a night to relax and just laugh.

If this guy drinks one more Guinness on this show I am going flip my shit.

Kaitlyn knows she cannot let Shawn find out about the sex'n from anyone than her. WHAT? WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

She just wants to hang out, but she does have something on her mind.
He takes a drink.
I want to drown a small rabbit in Guinness. I can't look at it anymore.

"I just know that I want to be honest...I don't want you to find out later...I just want to be so honest...Ummm... You know I had that one-on-one date with Nick? At night, we went back to my place and I just feel like it went too far. And... We had sex." -- KaityCat
Head nod. Head nod. 
Wipes his mouth with his shirt sleeve.
Deep breath. Clears throat. 
Head shake.


"Do you regret it?" -- Shawn
She says NO.

Shawn cannot figure out why she is telling him that.
He needs to re-group in the bathroom.
He walks to the bathroom and pulls his pants up to his chest.

Shawn comes back and obviously, he's upset about it. Mainly, he's upset because he doesn't like Nick.
Shawn doesn't want to make this about Nick. He is here for Kaitlyn. He is going to man-up. That's why he wants to do.

"I can't be upset, right? ... I obviously am." -- Shawn

Shawn already looked like a baby gUrl last week and now, when he really can act like a crazy person he knows he can't because he already played that card.

To the credit of the "relationship," everyone is going to have a past in a new relationship. Unfortunately, Kaitlyn's past is also her present. I imagine Shawn actually went and destroyed his hotel room as soon as the cameras were off.

------

IT IS A NEW DAY.

Jerad already got that fresh suit on and he wants to let her know EXACTLY WHERE HE IS AT.

Now, Shawn is back on his, "she told I'm the one" train and is prepared to "walk away from love."

ChrissyPoo comes in for a math lesson and is all, "there are four of you, only three get to see her naked."

KaityCat's mind is made up. NO PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL HOUR.

If I was Kaitlyn I would be so over talking to these bros about their damn feelings. But, also, I wouldn't put myself in the situation to have to listen to these bros talk about their feelings all the damn time, because I wouldn't go around sex'n on TV.

Shawn gets the first rose AND HE NEEDS TO TALK TO HER.

"Okay." -- Kaitlyn

Shawn just doesn't understand... WHY HIM he says. SHE ASKED HIM HOW HE FELT ABOUT HIM.

Then, he brings up "the one" talk again.

"I think I am here to explore other relationships. Because at the end of this, I will never explore another relationship. It will not happen. Telling you that you were the one half-way through was a mistake. I had no business doing that when I had other relationships to explore." -- Kaitlyn

"I am here to explore other relationships." -- Kaitlyn
So, now she's Lewis and Clark. Give her a compass!

So, "explore" means sex'n?

Then, Kaitlyn lets Shawn know that he needs to shut the hell up and let her figure this shit out. She plays the trust card and he wipes his mouth with his shirt again.

Shawn accepts the rose.
He's not that into exploring, but he knows he can "explore" with her later, in the fantasy suite.

Shawn is now only referring to Nick as "the other guy."

So. Baby boy Jerad DOES NOT GET THE ROSE.

Jerad still doesn't know about all the "exploring."
This kid would have ended up in therapy for YEARS had he found out.
Like, he would need one of those therapy dogs to walk around with him for the rest of his life.

-----

It's time for Nick's one-on-one date. They go to a church to just chat. Nick grew up with a religious background. I have no idea what that means. His parents met in a church and he used to go to confession.

"I'm realizing that my relationship with him isn't just physical. It's kind of spiritual, too." --KaityCat
Kind of. 

After the church chat they head to a bar and share a few "first" stories.

Then, they ask a local for marriage advice.

Before they leave, Nick makes the entire bar participate in a toast. It's really easy to rally a group of drunks. So, no points for Nick.

At this point, everyone has talked shit about Nick, so Nicky is ready to talk shit about everyone else.

There's just one person he has no respect for.

"I don't really respect people who brag about being eskimo brothers with famous country singers." -- Nick

Nick has tried to talk to Shawn. Shawn won't talk to him. Nick is worried about Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn feels like she's made SUCH. GOOD. DECISIONS.

Have you ever felt more sad for a person after they have said something like that?
Literally, she said "good decisions" and lightning struck.
That was not an accident.

Nick wants to be able to tell Kaitlyn ANYTHING.
But, she cannot figure out why the two of them keep saying bad things about each other.

Really? You can't?

Kaitlyn gives Nick the fantasy suite surprise card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that already happened. So, after all of this, they just get to do it again.
Nick can never get enough of Kaitlyn, so he just wants to wake up to her.

They head to a fake old jail cell and GIGGLESGIGGLESGIGGLES.

Everyone is such a good sport.

They head back to the Ramada Inn and talk about heading back there for an anniversary someday.

You know why I don't trust Nick?
That ring he wears.
He actually got a bigger one by the end of the episode.




That. And he keeps saying, "I can't get enough of you."
That's why I say about pizza.

The next morning the two get to enjoy some Ramada Inn room service.

Kaitlyn wants us to believe that she only ate chocolate (off of his body!!!!!!) during the fantasy date.
IDK. IDK.

------

Shawn just can't take it.
HE HAS TO TALK TO NICK.

Are hotels laws different in Europe? That hotel really gave up Nick's room number like that? NO.

PRODUCERS TRYNA TRICK ME!!!!!!!!

Shawn just wants to be honest. He doesn't want to spend any amount of time getting to know Nick.

"I think you're shit." -- Shawn

Honestly, this is absurd.




Tuesday, June 30, 2015

the bachelorette :: kaitlyn : epi 7.

What a week in America. And now. This.

The drama continues. Starting right now.

Shawn is still up in Kaitlyn's hotel room and he straight up asks, "are you in love with me?"
That answer isn't suitable.

Kaitlyn keeps trying to figure out what happened that made Shawn act like a crazy ex-girlfriend. She thinks he knows, but he doesn't know. HE IS JUST CRAY.

"I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. A VERY HARD TIME." -- SHAWN
"I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS." -- SHAWN

Finally, after exchanging very few words the two makeout.

Kaitlyn feels guilty. NOT BECAUSE OF THE SEX'N.
Because of the relationships.

Kaitlyn spends some time over-looking the hotel landscaping and Shawn contemplates life on the stoop, while Nick takes a lap with a guy I have never seen before. Tanner?

------

So, what is this two-on-one date?

Did that boat meet one single government safety standard? There's just no way.

Joe knew KaityKat could feel the passion.

Look at that beach. No wonder Irish people aren't tan.

"You're one in a million." -- Joe
It's like he read a book of cliches on the plane ride over. 

There are 322 million people in the U.S. alone. Half of those are probably women and maybe half of those are somewhere in Joe's age range. You're one in a million isn't really a compliment. He should've said, "You're one in 86,876,653 million" to be more realistic. Now, KaityKat is just thinking about all those other women and comparing herself. Oh. Isn't she Canadian? Yeah. Makes it even worse.

JJ pulls Kaitlyn aside and tell her that he is divorced because he cheated on his wife.

So. What friend told JJ, "Hey. Been a rough couple of years-- you cheated on your wife, lost your job, moved in with your parents-- why don't you go on TV?" No. No. No.

Kaitlyn promptly kicked JJ off and told she Joe she wanted to get to know him a little more.

-----

Shawn is still fah-reaking out, but now he's on a park bench. Has he been outside all day?

Has anybody ever told this guy anything before? I mean, you tell him, "you have the best shoes!" and now, he literally thinks he has the best shoes of anyone.

"You are the sweetest!" and now,  he absolutely believes no one is sweeter.

Shawn needs to wrap his shit up and take a Xanax.

Joe comes back with a rose, says one sentence and Shawn gets up and leaves. HE IS NOT STABLE.

So, he takes his feelings right back to KaityKat's hotel room.

What's this guy like after a real first date? He flies you home for the second date to meet grandpa on his death-bed? FIND YOUR CHILL, BRO.

Kaitlyn is alone in her hotel room crying again. She has to be a little annoyed, right? Or just like, tired?

KaityKat is still convinced that Shawn knows about the sex. BUT, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.
WHICH IS TERRIFYING, BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE DOES KNOW.

Kaityln and Shawn talk and I FF'd through a lot. Shawn wants her more than anything.

"It worries me that Shawn needs all this reassurance." -- KaityKatYeah, that's a lot of hard convos in real life. 

Like, every morning, "Shawn, I love you the most. Yes, THE MOST. Forever. Yes, forever plus infinity, Shawn!"

------

ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaitlyn realizes she's done some done shit.

She sex'd it up AND told bros they were the one. She's more upset about telling bros they are the one.

Kaitlyn's heart is still open and she just wants to toast to that.

Nick gets his alone time with Kaitlyn. Nick feels SO GOOD about the week.

Kaitlyn wants to make sure that, even though the day and night was perfect, Nick ain't sex'n and telling. Nick is like, SO OFFENDED by this. Nick also lies. Nick says he didn't do anything but say he had a great time. BUT, HE DID SAY HE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE. HE TOLD EVERYONE THE DATE WAS INTIMATE.

HE DID SAY THAT.
HE DID.

From last week: Nick sits on the couch and tells the guys everything that happened without them even knowing what he is telling them. He even says it was "intimate."

Nick is crying because he is an over-confident guy. 

"Can I kiss you?" -- Nick
Yes, PLEASE." -- KaityKitty


Kaitlyn no longer has ANY concerns. 

Meanwhile, Shawn is watching that fire burn. 
I hope he's considering putting that blue tuxedo in it. 

Like, there's no way he thinks that blue tuxedo is spot-on. Not for this anyway. Maybe for some low-budget MTV awards show. Not this. 

Kaitlyn tells Shawn she regrets sneaking around and telling him secrets. 

ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT FIGHTING AND UPS AND DOWNS. BUMPS IN THE ROAD. BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT.

Kaitlyn knows she messed everything up by talking to Shawn, because clearly, Shawn can't handle his shit. Like, he would ruin a bag of shit. Can you imagine letting him handle something other than a bag of shit?

------

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

I am supposed to believe that Shawn is not getting a rose.





Shawn gets the rose.


Ben Z. is leaving. HE JUST DOESN'T OPEN UP TO PEOPLE VERY OFTEN.

Like, who walks around and is like, "BAGGAGE! BAGGAGE FOR SALE!"

I think Ben Z. probably feels like he's dodged a bullet at this point, right? Right.

-------

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Everyone but Jerad has to ride in a giant bus called the PaddyWagon. Everyone wants to "take a road trip with someone you really like." And Jerad gets to do it.

Kaitlyn isn't a great driver and so, if they can get through they can get through anything.

The couple takes a lot of selfies an Jerad just feels like he's on a road trip with his gUrlfrand who had sex with another man 3 days ago. : (


Jerad and Kaitlyn head to the Blarney Stone and give it some kisses for luck.
Then, Jerad drops KaityKitty off at her castle, her "legit castle."


Jerard thinks they are both transparent. : (

Kaitlyn thinks she has finally made it through the day and over the hump, WHEN OMG CHRISSYPOO HARRISON KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. 

"WHAT NOW?" -- KAITLYN

Chris explains to Kaitlyn that she has basically ruined this entire process-- even without the sex. She tells Chris mostly everyone. 

"I just really regret it." -- Kaitlyn
"Oh...that's good..." -- ChrissyPoo
Give that guy a medal.

Chris lets KaityKitty know that they are switching up the order of things. Next week, everyone gets some off-camera time with her before hometowns. The playing field needs to be even, because right now a bulldozer couldn't get Kaitlyn's field out of this mess. She needs an expert road crew. Like, all the highway departments. All the "slow" road sign holders in America. 

Chris explains to the bros that Kaitlyn can't be trusted, so the rules have changed. There will be hometowns, but not until they have all had the opportunity to see her naked. What's fair, is fair. 

Shawn does NOT like this hurdle. 

-----

The Dentist and Kaitlyn head out for their one-on-one and HERE COMES THAT HELICOPTER. 

Chris seems like a sweet guy, but he's like really into holding hands and personal space. 

Now, this is one helicopter ride ABC got right. A helicopter ride over the Cliffs of Moher would be pretty insane. 

Chris thinks this could end up being the biggest day of his life. This is as close to magic as he's ever been. (Should we tell him magic isn't like, real? Or nah?)

Kaitlyn asks Chris if he wants to stay in Nashville. He picked Nashville, in part, because it's a great place to raise kids. That's something a lot of young single bros do. Right?

At this point, Kaitlyn is ready to spill the beans. She starts crying and is trying to tell Chris some stuff and be honest and then he literally spend the next 3 minutes about half-an-inch away from her face. 

Chris describes his time on the show as "joy and terror." 
Almost nailed it. 

If I'm trying to have a hard conversation with someone, I appreciate comfort, but like, I NEED YOU TO GET OUT MY GRILL, OKAY? BACK IT ON UP. 

Kaitlyn has promised herself that she is not going to lead anybody on and Chris just needs to know more. 
THE MORE IS THAT YOU NEED TO PACK YOUR SHIT UP AND LEAVE, CHRIS. Get your toothbrush, your toothpaste and that cupcake mobile and get on outta here. 


"I would much rather know now than next year or in 20 years. She deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's read to find that right now." --Chris

"She's a mess." -- Chris
NAILED IT. AND HE DON'T EVEN KNOW YET. 

I've been through some hard stuff in my life. I've watched my friends go through some really hard stuff. 

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE CRY THIS HARD IN MY LIFE. 

Ever. 

HE TOOK THAT SCARF AND USED IT LIKE A DAMN SNOT RAG. 




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