Tuesday, February 17, 2015

the bachelor :: chris : epi 8.

Oh my gah, we're back again!

Can you believe they keep calling this thing a "television event" like Katy Perry is about to come out on a giant lion? Events don't happen in Iowa.

Chris is wandering the streets of Des Moines trying to figure out just how he got here. It's time for his date with Becca and thankfully, she's wearing a bright yellow shirt and he found her.

Chris is staying in a loft in downtown Des Moines.

"Even though it's not Belgium, it means a lot." -- Chris
Iowa tourism board!

Becca tells Chris she's never been in love and she dated a guy on and off for 4 years. Chris asks if she thinks this could work-- SHE DOES!

Becca has feelings and she's trying to figure out those feelings.

Did they turn the mics up on this guy when he's kissing someone? It's so loud.

-----

Britt tells the other gUrls are the hotel that she's going to leave before the rose ceremony.

IT IS NOT ABOUT JUST ONE ROSE.

She told him that she wants to introduce him to her dad, to be his wife AND THAT IS NOT THE MAN FOR HER. She is OUTTIE5000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Britt's mind cannot be changed.
But, he could say something to change her mind.
But, she's not going to budge. She's gone.

Whitney thinks Britt JUST figured out that other gUrls are on the show. One those-- HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE?

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jade is fah-reaking out. Chris doesn't know that she did "nude modeling" once. I need her to know that Playboy is not nude modeling. Nude modeling is something that happens in Europe and involves art. This G just took her clothes off for money.

Carly links Britt is full of shit.

ChrissyPoo, who's just been hanging in Des Moines for a week alone???????? rolls in to tell the ladies there is NOT going to be a cocktail party.

Britt's dynamic has shifted. It's awkward and hard, but not it's MORE awkward and MORE hard.
Her vocabulary is OUTTA CONTROL.

"It's crazy to think that I'm actually falling in love..." -- Chris
THEN, BRITT INTERRUPTS HIM AND PULLS CHRIS OUT OF THE ROOM. 

Britt knows she put him on the spot and wants to apologize.
I'm having a hard time concentrating on her apology, because all of her hair is on one side of her head.

She gives Chris a chance to speak and once again, he cannot form sentences. He's not great at talking. Either, he wants to just cuss all of these Gs out all of the time or he's just not great at sentences. He's also a mumbler and talks so quietly that you'd think he was whispering.

Eventually, he gets a few words out.

Chris is like, I heard you're a liar and I'm not into that. Or. Maybe you're a potential liar.

"The way Carly reacted is what I want in my future...the way you reacted and disrespected for myself." -- Chris
What?

"I don't want that for a wife." -- Chris
BAM!

Chris wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the kitchen at home always makin' shit out of his corn and wheat and that G better not have an opinion or speak above a whisper.

Chris and Britt part ways and now, Britt is sitting alone on the curb crying.
You know, I really think Britt liked the other gUrls and is very confused the way all of this played out. She was like, "I got my gUrls and I got my man!" And then, all hell broke loose when she started talking about eating off of paper plates with her dad and didn't get a rose.

------

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!

Ladies, Chris, final rose this evening!!!!!!

It's down to Jade and Carly, but we know, you know?

Jade gets the final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though Carly saw that Jesus hanging on the wall in the church-- it's over. Carly made a lot of friends and is going to be one hell of an asset on BachPad this summer. Her cruise ship sangin' days could be over.

Carly gets in that limo and is crying real hard.
She starts questioning the meaning of life. Not the time or the place, baby gUrl.


------

IT'S TIME FOR HOMETOWN DATES!!!!!!

Chris has to go from Iowa to Shreveport.

The PAs for this show must be miserable at this point. First, they had to scout locations and spend all that time in Des Moines, then they had to scour the lands of Shreveport to find a park with no dead bodies to film in.

"This is beautiful!" -- Chris
You hear that, Shreve?! Sign this guy up!

There's just no way this is actually in Shreveport.

Becca tells Chris they could see an alligator and yep, there's an alligator. They set off in a canoe and everyone's all...it's pretty... and I'm... IT'S A SWAMP.

A SWAMP.

Becca reveals that she's never brought a guy home before.

At this point, Chris is not understanding that at age 26, it's fairly normal for a good ole Southern gUrl with standards and values to have not been bringing boos home for ages. I think I was 25 the first time I took a dude home?

There were 17 people or maybe even 34 people at that house. Chris brought flowers and a gallon of whiskey.

Can we take a moment to discuss that Chris will only drink whiskey? I get it-- rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey (thanks, Luke Bryan <---- a="" day="" job="" plug="">).

At this point, Becca's family is trying to burn the house down with her in it.
And they aren't even giving her a hose.

Becca's sister pulls Chris aside and immediately is all-- I can't believe Becca is touching you... Becca isn't intimate... Becca doesn't have urges... Becca isn't affectionate.

Listen. My brother would probably say the same thing, because he's my brother and I'm his baby sister. I don't go around making out with people in front of other people, especially my family.

WHO'S FAMILY WOULD SIT DOWN WITH A GUY AND BE LIKE, "My sister is a real whore, so this is pretty normal for us to see her holding hands with you."

Then, her mom gets in on the game.

"I see her holding hands... I've never seen that... oh my gosh." -- Mom

HEY, BECCA'S FAMILY-- SHE IS A LATE-BLOOMER.
LOOK IT UP.

Also, maybe she has standards.
Maybe youth group was real to her growing up.
Maybe baby sister gets it?

At this point, Chris probably thinks Becca is a-sexual or something.

PRAISE REPORT: instead of just leaving her their with the wolves, Chris decided to take Becca to the Louisiana State Fair.

Becca cannot believe that she wants to hold hands with someone-- you know, these feelings.

They have a little make-out sesh on the Ferris Wheel and for the first time ever, I AM SO GLAD. She had to do something to prove to him that she isn't actually trying to be a nun like her family thinks.


-----

Now, it's off to Chicago!

Whitney takes Chris to work and makes him wear scrubs. Whitney has never seen anyone look so sexy wearing scrubs.

I hope the people who are paying the THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for fertility treatments are not seeing this "date" go down right now while eggs are being fertilized/transferred/harvested.

"I make corn." -- Chris
No. No. No. 
You provide corn a place to grow. 

So, now Whitney gets real weird and I can't even talk about it.

We're heading to meet Whitney's family and before they arrive, Chris wants to know who he should ask about a blessing and Whitney's hand in marriage.

Whitney throws her sister under the bus.

Whitney has a big family, just no parents. And all of these people seem normal and well-adjusted.

At dinner, everyone gets 3 different glasses of wine.

Chris wants to talk to Uncle Johnny.
Uncle Johnny loves Whitney a lot, because she's the same age as his middle son.

UJ describes Whitney as "vulnerable and strong."
Chris has never heard those two words together and is blown away at the accurate description UJ has provided.

Whitney sits down with SisterKim and explains her connection with Chris. She then goes on to tell her that, if Chris asks... she needs to give her blessing.

SisterKim says, "it's a REALLY small town in Iowa..."
There are no fertility clinics in Arlington, Iowa. There may not even be a doctor's office.

Whitney tells SisterKim that SHE BETTER GIVE HER CONSENT, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS.

SisterKim is like, "you can say yes all you want, but I ain't saying yes, until he can tell me you're the only one."

Totally fair.

Does Whitney know Chris could come back later and re-ask?
Does Whitney know that SisterKim could be like, "sure, okay, but, let's wait this out for a few."

"I want her to know she's the one...so, call me when you know." -- SisterKim to Chris
FINALLY.

Chris wasn't expecting SisterKim to say no.

Once, Whitney went to Napa and bought a bottle of wine that was out of her price range. She bought it to share with her future husband. She wants Chris to share that bottle of wine with her.

ARE WE ON THE CRAZY TRAIN OR WHAT?

Also, Chris is drinking a really tall glass of whiskey.
He doesn't want that damn wine.

Now, Whitney thinks she can move to Iowa and just travel back and forth to Chicago.
It's a 4.5-hour drive.




-----

Now, it's Kaitlyn's turn!
Her family lives in Phoenix during the winter.

Chris is all, "what is this back alley!"
He's very concerned.

It's very obvious that Chris needs a lady.
Not someone who would ever walk through a "dirty alley."
Unacceptable.

KittyKait takes Chris to a record studio.
FF.

We get to her family and I don't think she's seen them in a couple of years.
Her parents and step-parents are there hanging out together. I love that.
But, do they all live in that winter home together? I don't love that.

Again, everyone is drinking wine and Chris has opted for whiskey.

I just googled: Does Chris Soules own a part of Bulleit Whiskey?

"I can see that you heart him." -- Kaitlyn's mom

So, I'm guessing that Kaitlyn's mother is a sweet, wonderful lady who is likely into crystals and meditation. Like, she would've been sooooooo into that love guru.

Kaitlyn takes Chris back to that alley. She has also purchased a billboard.



Prayerfully, I hope she did not pay a designer to do that for her.

I think Chris loves it even extra, because there are no billboards in Iowa. And if there are, they are not digital. And bright.

-----

Now, we're heading to Nebraska, WHICH IS MUCH, MUCH DIFFERENT than Iowa!

Jade grew up in a town double the size of Arlington. DOUBLE. There are businesses that are open and cars on the street.

We meet Jade's family and I don't want to be a diva, but I think her mom went and got her hair done for the cameras. Sweetest angel.

Chris brought Jade a high school letterman's jacket and presented it to her in front of her family?
IDK.

She is now saying she's done "nude photos" and not "nude modeling."

Chris sits down with pops and tells her that he's most impressed with the fact that she's from NEBRASKA.

Pops tells Chris that most of Jade's boyfriends have thought Jade was "too much" for them.

Baby Brother agrees.

"Obviously, Jade lives in LA." -- Brother
Helpful.

"She's a wild mustang... she's a free-spirit." -- Brother

Uh-oh. Chris didn't realize that just because Jade is from Nebraska doesn't mean that she's super into moving to somewhere that is anything like Nebraska.

Chris is trying to leave, but Jade hasn't shared her secret yet.

Chris pours himself a big ole glass of whiskey in hotel room 101.

Jade is trying to explain to Chris that yes, she's a free-spirit and "maybe" a wild mustang.

GET TO IT, gUrl.

Finally, Jade dials up the red phone and drops the bomb.

Jade, at one point, was doing anything that made her feel very liberated. Including, Playboy.

She is very afraid Chris is going to change his opinion of her.

Jade says she was "approached" about posing for Playboy.

So, of course, she asks if he wants to see the pictures?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Chris, for some reason, agrees to this?!?!?!!?!??!!??!!??!?!

Then, we watch, for what seems like a very unreasonable amount of time, watch them look at these photos and A VIDEO????

"There's also a video of Jade...dancing around by herself...she took her bottoms off." -- Chris
RIGHT?!

WILD.
MUSTANG.

Jade would like Chris' opinion. He takes a very big drink of his whiskey. He cannot find the sentences.

"I judge you for the person you are..." -- Chris
WHICH IS A PERSON WHO DANCED NAKED FOR A VIDEO ON THE INTERNET?

He says it won't affect their relationship.
Okay, Chris. Okay.

You kicked off that chick who confronted you in public, but this? NOTHING!

"It's hard to find a soulmate." -- Chris
You're telling me!

Jade feels better.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies, Chris, final rose.

AND EVEN THOUGH BECCA'S FAMILY BASICALLY PUT BRICKS AROUND HER ANKLES AND THREW HER IN THE RIVER, SHE GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!

Chris walks Jade out.

He says that it's just because their relationship has moved slower than the others.
LOLZ. Okay, Chris. Okay.

Chris puts that gUrl in the limo and proceeds to cry like a little baby gUrl.






























Monday, February 16, 2015

the bachelor :: epi 7 : chris.

So, if a chick on this show "wins," she has to move to Iowa. And before she can even "win," she has to just go to Iowa?

This is the worst 6-week vacation ever.

Chris just told us that he has "so much respect" for each woman AND that he's made a connection with "every single one of them." Those two statements don't seem like they go together?

That one chick with blonde hair gets some time with Chris and they decide she shouldn't go to Iowa. That bitch is the smartest gUrl on this show.

Chris has a broken heart. He's so heart broken he dropped the F-bomb and it got bleeped out. : (

Then, he sat on the stoop and cried, but it looked like he was praying. I don't think he was praying. Maybe he was praying he could get the hell out of South Dakota.

"These are some of the most incredible women I've ever met." -- Chris
Some? 

ChrissyPoo comes in to the ladies know that there will STILL be a rose ceremony tonight and one of the ladies will NOT be going to Iowa. So, one lucky lady will get to leave South Dakota and go back to a place that isn't Iowa.

Chris tells ChrissyPoo that he has "strong feelings" for the six remaining women. He wants EVERYONE to come to a place that "defines him" and he calls it "God's country." Those gUrls reacted in a way that leads me to believe they know nothing about Iowa?

-----

We arrive in Des Moines and Carly said, "there's trees."

One gUrl said she feels so "honored" to be in Iowa.

Jade gets the one-on-one date and it's her second one-on-one date. The other Gs are like, "I'm happy for you, but I'm very jealous." The look on the other gUrls faces' do not lead me to believe that they were happy or even jealous. It's more like, they are going to burn someone's house down.

Jade is going to Chris' farm.

Chris is hanging out in a really expensive outfit talking to his cows. Or cows. I don't know if they are his cows or not.

"There's a bunch of corn." -- Jade
She's very observant. 

"Telephone pole!" -- Jade
If you're getting excited about that...

After naming all of the things she saw on the drive to the farm, Jade FINALLY arrives.

"Welcome to Iowa!" -- Chris

Chris hopes that someone would love him enough to move to Iowa.

Chris takes Jade on a tour of his house and then points at a lot of things. It looks like those were his cows, because he knows their names.

Chris takes Jade on a motorcycle ride to "downtown."

"This is where I used to get meat." -- Chris

Jade is learning that they're aren't a lot of jobs available in Arlington. There also isn't a bar. Or any restaurants. Or a grocery store.

Jade is just standing on this street corner looking around and learning about the economy. She also wants to die. Probably.

Chris and Jade stood on the street corner for about 6 hours-- until the sun went down. They get back on the motorcycle and head to the local high school football game. Chris' passion growing up was high school football. HE IS SO DIFFERENT THAN MOST HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.

During the game, Jade gets to meet mom and dad! His mom is chill as hell wearing that hat on TV.

(The other gUrls are sitting around in the hotel room wearing hoodies and tobogans.)

Then, Chris makes Jade go inside of his high school and listen to how cool Chris was in high school. WORST. DATE. EVER. I'd rather talk to the cows than listening to a 33-year-old man talk about his high school football days.

Chris really wanted to show Jade his old English classroom and Jade really wants to tell Chris about her small town values and some other stuff. But, she's not ready to share the other stuff just yet.

They made out in the hallway and Chris just couldn't believe he was making out with someone in front of his old English classroom.

What the hell happened in that English class? He doesn't really seem like he's super into Shakespeare or anything?

Jade said the night was one of the most exciting nights of her life.
I really hate that for her.

Chris can't describe how good it feels to know that Jade could conceivably move to Iowa before breaking up with him.

-----

It's time for Whitney and Chris to go to an art gallery in Des Moines!

Chris thinks Des Moines' art gallery is the Louvre of Iowa. Which, isn't a thing.

After looking at one photo, Chris and Whitney decide to take some photos around Des Moines. Whitney cannot wait to document their love.

Basically, it's just one big make-out sesh.

(Jade is back at the hotel telling everyone about Arlington. Britt starts crying. Like, hard. She cannot even handle it. Carly wants to road trip to Arlington and invites Britt along. A lot of the gUrls are torn between if they should go or not.)

Chris realized he needs to be with someone who "wants to be with him."

Whitney cannot to show the photos of them making out to their kids someday.

------

The other gUrls on the road trip, have calmed down a lot. No one is impressed.

"Is this the main road? Did we pass it?" -- gUrl
"That was it. That was the town."

The exit the vehicle for some more in-depth exploring.

The gUrls stopped and asked some locals for a good place to eat. He said, "not Arlington."

Britt is struggling with picturing herself living there. Me, too, Britt. Me too.

-----

Chris and Whitney head to a Des Moines hot spot. Chris says the date was one of the "best days of his life." : (

Three of Chris' best friends join Whitney and Chris for dranks. Whitney feels really special.

One of the dudes asked Whitney if she loves him. She didn't really answer.
She did say she doesn't have reservations about moving to Iowa. Lies.

Chris was really impressed with Whitney. He just can't believe that Whitney impressed him like that.

The friends leave.

Whitney tells Chris that she doesn't have any parents.

Whitney is looking for a man with great parents, because "I don't have any." : (
She even wants to call his parents mom and dad.

Chris has one of their photos painted onto a mural. And then, he giggled. And he hung his mouth open like he was getting a root canal.

Whitney still can't believe it. I can't believe that ABC paid for this. And that no one has destroyed it yet?



-----

Jade decides it's time to tell Carly her big secret.

Jade was a "nude model" for Playboy. Carly did a great job of being chill.

Jade thinks this could end the relationship.
DUH.

Jade's dad found out about her "nude" modeling from his co-workers. Can you imagine? Holy shit.

-----

The group date is only Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn. There is a rose.

They are "obviously" going to do some ice skating today.

Chris starts giggling immediately.

My grandpa and like, every other man on my dad's side of the family were farmers.
They do not giggle.

Britt tells Chris about the road trip to Arlington. Britt tells Chris that she felt "really alive" there. It's probably because she was one of the people alive there.

Carly thinks Britt is really fake and she's "really mad about it."
She knows Britt doesn't want to live there.

On the other hand, Britt is still outside telling Chris how much she loved Arlington. He is eating it up and sucking her face off.

Then, Carly sits down with Chris and spills the beans. Cat's out of the bag, Britt! She tells the entire story and how Britt went from being truthful to  A LIAR.

"I'm really freaked out for you." -- Carly
TRUTH.

Chris hopes she isn't lying.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Chris pulls Britt aside. And Britt tells Chris what her hometown would be like.

"It would be cold. It would be fall.... we would eat with paper plates." -- Britt
What?

Britt says she's not choosing the town-- she's choosing the lifestyle and the man.

Chris is sold.
HOOK. LINE. SINKER. Emphasis on the sinker.

The other gUrls are convinced that Chris isn't an idiot, but : (

Kaitlyn gets some time with Chris and she "wants to get there."

Kaitlyn is frustrated and she doesn't want to be.

Kaitlyn says she feels behind. Chris says, "You were killin' it last week."
WHAT?

Kaitlyn gets the rose.

"This is a rose-- it's a big deal." -- Chris
Get out of here. 

Kaitlyn starts crying.

Britt is stewing. And the music is implying MURDER.

When Kaitlyn comes back with the rose Britt just sits on the couch nodding her head and staring at Chris.

Chris tries to explain his choice and Britt tells him to "stop," while cracking her knuckles and sighing. Carly acts like an adult.

Britt understands. She even understands "logistically."

Britt goes on... in front of everyone, but to Chris.

"I'm really, really hurt right now... I feel like the day that we had... going to see your city... going... how I envisioned myself...your wife... my family...literally, asking, begging you for validation.... I mean, that's fine if you want to do that... it's really hard right now. I don't want my husband to see me as a third or fourth down the line... I want my husband to want me back." -- Britt
OH, PLEASE REMEMBER SHE IS DOING THIS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE. 

"I'm not sure what you're trying to do right now." -- Chris

Finally, Chris shuts it down. Or tries. Then, he says he's looking forward to tomorrow and leaves.

KAITLYN CHUGS THAT WHITE WINE.

I honestly think Britt is being truthful. I don't think she is mad at Kaitlyn or hates her or anything like that. I do think she's kind of BATSHIT CRAZY.

"I'm not even mad." -- Britt

Carly is sitting in the corner chugging white wine.

Back at the hotel, Carly spills the beans to the other gUrls.

Britt is crying. She doesn't know if this is how she should feel.

Kaitlyn thinks Britt blew it.

I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD GO HOME, BECAUSE THE PRIZE IS IOWA.





Tuesday, February 10, 2015

the bachelor :: chris : epi 6.

I am still recovering from the disaster that was the GRAMMY Awards, so I don't know if I have the stamina to get through this panic attack on the the local Mexican buffet' restaurant's floor.

I know the Bible says to take care of the widows and the orphans, but it's talking about my grandmother and stuff. Not this G, right?

I've had a panic attack before. I drank a beer and sat on the couch and was fine after like, an hour.

As SpecialK is taking in oxygen through a mask like she's in ICU, she asks to talk to Chris.

Can you imagine being this dude right now? She just blamed her panic attack and him and his cancelation of the cocktail party. They kissed.

She is now wearing a giant fur coat/blanket. Actually, scratch that, it's definitely a rug.

"All of the feelings were just too much." -- SpecialK
Heard that.

It's getting pretty weird between SpecialK and the other ladies. She can feel it in her heart that she is the woman Chris will marry.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He picked that gUrl named Megan (who?) and she had glitter all over her.

Ashley I. finally got a rose and she be like, PRAISE REPORT.

SpecialK gets a rose over the gUrl who's super into kale. KaleG is all, "she wasn't playing by the rules, but actually, there aren't any rules."

Part of me wonders if these gUrls even went to junior high and ever cried at lunch?
I would assume that's a universal thing, but they seem pretty green to the ways of women?

-----

In a real fun twist, the gang is headed to South Dakota.

HEY, ABC, WHAT IS WITH YOUR BUDGET?

Also, do you think the gUrls know Chris is from a town even smaller than Deadwood? And it doesn't have the tourist-y stuff? If you have to drive over an hour to get to a TGI Friday's... you're in trouble. (AND WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING THAT FAR TO GO TO TGI FRIDAY'S?!)

Chris goes to one of those old-timey photo booths. BY HIMSELF. And TV show or not, WTF.

SpecialK DESERVES the one-on-one, because she told Chris about her situation. But. She doesn't get it. She's at a juncture. She needs reassurance. She's NOT happy. (JOIN THE CLUB, G.)

--------

Chris is walking through a field.

"Becca's the only one I haven't kissed." -- Chris
OH.

He says he's been waiting a long time for this. In real life, he legitimately means less than 2 weeks.

These two are going on a horseback ride. Chris thinks Becca looks "smokin' hot" on "that horse."

-----

Carly decides it's time to quit acting like a cruise ship singer and start throwin' bows. Everyone wants to be "open" with SpecialK.

SpecialK starts crying. And NERVOUS laughing.

It's a nervous laugh.

"I didn't go through all this shit...death of a spouse...I didn't go on this show to be defeated." -- SpecialK
Sounds like a Nicholas Sparks book, right? 

------

Apparently, this horse date is really interesting, because we've seen so much of it.

There's a campfire and kabobs.

Chris giggles like a tiny baby. Is he wearing a suit? I think he's wearing a suit.

"Tonight is fantastic. Because, Becca is fantastic." -- Chris
Translation: I like her, because I like her. 

Chris decides to find out Becca's 5-year plan. Chris wants wants four to six kids. Becca would like to settle on five.

Becca hasn't ever really shared her feelings with a boy before.

Becca knows she's the only gUrl who hasn't been kissed. AND SHE IS A VIRGIN. She's also the only gUrl on this show ever, who's like, "WHAT WILL MY DAD THINK?!"

OH! She gets the rose. And a kiss. Their body language is weird.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!

They are going to make some sweet music!

Chris says country music is a "big" part of his life.

Welcome, Big & Rich!

Chris has asked John and Kenny to "vet" the gUrls. They are also supposed to be writing a song. Of course, Carly "kind of writes songs a little bit."

JADE IS LIKE, "FEELING STUPID."
She's talking about music and not makeup.
She just has too much to say.

Big Kenny takes Jade down the street. They are running.
Jade starts screaming something.

Britt kisses Chris in front of everyone. Now, Jade is back on the struggle bus.

"It's hard to write a love song when he's clearly into somebody else." -- Jade
JADE! You've found your thesis, run with it!

The Gs are drinking some brews (my guess is Mich Ultra) and it's time for some "live" music.

Chris has decided to go first.

"Chris is not wearing farm boy from Iowa boots...OR PANTS." -- John Rich
I've said it before and I'll say it again: John Rich is the smartest man in music. 

A few other patrons have stopped by to watch the performance. Obviously, ABC recruited them off the street and gave them free beer.

Chris finishes his song and for the millionth time-- I couldn't hear or understand one thing he sang.

It's Britt's turn! Sweet, sweet music. She can hear it whenever he's around!
That's not a song! That's like, two lines.

Chris is VERY impressed with everyone.

Oh! A ballad!

Carly pulls Chris on to stage.
She's a professional, you know?

"Unnatural circumstances..." -- Carly's song

Carly called the performance a "beautiful moment." VERY LOOSE DEFINITION.

Here comes Jade!
She's diving more into her feelings! She's gambling on love! She's not much of a gambler!

"I'm a queen, looking for my king of hearts." -- Jade's song

Let's review: Jade is NOT a gambler, but she started an organic makeup company.
Let that soak in.

If she's not a gambler, I hope she has a rich ass daddy.
Or at least an engineering degree to fall back on.

------

GROUP DATE AFTER-PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!

Chris is ready to talk to Jade. She hasn't really "touched" on her feelings yet, so she is ready to do that. To share her feelings, through song.

"I really do have feelings." -- Jade

Chris was caught off-guard when Jade said she had feelings.

"I'm looking to find a soul mate." -- Chris
"Oh okay, we do still have feelings." -- Kaitlyn

Y'ALL.
DID A THERAPIST COME IN DURING NON-SHOOTING HOURS?
WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING "FEELINGS" SO MUCH?

Britt and Chris sit down for a second and Chris reveals he has a "surprise."

I hope it's like the time Spencer spray painted the wall in his new apartment with Heidi and she said, "it's not girly, it's not cute, it's not anything."

The surprise is a Big & Rich concert!

Can I make a shameless plug for my day job? 
If you're wondering why I don't write much on here other than this, it's because I have a full-time job that pays me to write!

Yes, it's true -----> FULL-TIME JOB STUFF

"I love this music! It's crazy!" -- Britt
Usually, people say, "I love this song!"

Big & Rich pull Chris up on stage with Britt.

Oh, Britt has now revealed she's a "virgin" to country music.
Chris gives Britt the rose on stage.

"Everyone in the crowd wanted to be me." -- Britt
: (

No.

Chris is the world's worst dancer. And then he threw that sweater off. I used to get in so much trouble for putting my clothes on the floor. The Reg would say, "why do I buy you nice things and you just throw them on the floor!"

Chris and Britt come back and the girls are acting like they just went to a funeral.
NO. But, they are walking into their deaths.
There is no way this will end without someone dying.

Chris tried to explain the situation and then just left.

"I'll let you gUrls have the rest of the evening to yourself." -- Chris
Yeah, that's what everyone wants. 

Britt says she feels awkward-- thanks, Producers!



Whitney was timing how long they were gone.
They were gone for over an hour AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.

Carly is crying and she feels "invisible."
She sang that song for him and didn't even get to go to the concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life ain't fair, y'all.
Sometimes, someone else gets to go to the concert.

"My heart is pure." --Whitney

Does everyone else know this a TV show? A TV show that is essentially a contest?

Are they all only children?

A couple of years ago my dad bought my brother a John Deere riding lawn mower for his birthday. Not even a special birthday! But, I don't even have a yard! So, like, it was okay that he got a really nice present and I got a pair of jeans. You know?

------

TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris says he is going to make the best of this.

HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O M G.
They are flying past Mt. Rushmore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SpecialK was naming all of the presidents. I would've done the same thing.

"I literally, can't. even." -- Ashley I.
HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL, G?

The helicopter lands and there's a cabana waiting on them. Chris is drinking whiskey and the Gs are sipping on some white wine. Chris starts to chug the whiskey.

"This is taking logic and pairing it with love." -- SpecialK
She makes a good point, BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. 


Ashley I. gets some alone time with FarmerChris and she decides to spend her time talking shit about SpecialK. Oh, no. Doesn't she know how this usually ends? The gUrl who tells on the other gUrl never wins in the end.

CHRIS SIPS MORE WHISKEY.

Son, "there ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky."
ANOTHER WORK PLUG.


"I am real. She is fake. I'm a virgin. But, I'm sexy." -- Ashley I. 
Yep, there's that logic!

It's time for SpecialK's alone time with Chris.

"I'm prepared to be a wife, because I've been one." -- SpecialK
WOWOWOWOWOWOW.

"I want my wife to be able to handle social situations...someone people want to be around." -- Chris
BURRRRRRRN.

Chris drops the bomb that Ashley I. told on SpecialK.

SpecialK thought she could trust that ho.

SpecialK calls everything going on "gUrl talk."

"I'm 28 years old. I am a woman." -- Special K

SpecialK and Ashley I. are sitting on the bed alone.
SpecialK stares at Ashley I. for a solid 13 minutes.





"I know what you did." -- SpecialK
"It's 2014. We both have a masters." -- Ashley I.

If they are both so damn smart, what the hell are we watching?

Ashley I. wanders off and starts crying and then finds Chris.

Chris starts talking about maturity and this chick is just bawling her face off.
Then, she admits that she is always crying around him.

Chris takes this opportunity to talk about maturity and lifestyles.

Chris doesn't think Ashley I. can give her the lifestyle she wants.

In a real act of maturity, she then says, "You think Britt wants that lifestyle?!"

She wanders back to the bed crying and SpecialK is just smirking.

ALL OF THE Gs AT THE HOTEL THINK SPECIALK MURDERED ASHLEY I.

"I'm just really confused. I'm trying to make sense of this and I can't." -- Whitney
WELCOME TO MY LIFE. 

Ashley I. is now crying alone in the Badlands.
JUST LIKE TEDDY ROOSEVELT IMAGINED!

Chris tells SpecialK that he sent Ashley (THE VIRGIN) home and this bitch don't even see it coming...

Chris wants to be honest.

He sends SpecialK packing.
He wants the absolute best for her.

"Take care." -- Chris

So, the helicopter leaves both of those Gs in the Badlands.
They don't even have coats.

The ABC Intern goes to take away SpecialK's bag and all the gUrls at the hotel start popping champagne.

"I came here to challenge myself to the adventure of love." -- SpecialK
Definitely a book title. 

The music makes it seem like they really are leaving those two Gs there. FOREVER.

Anyway.

NOW, NEXT WEEK, WE HAVE TO SUBJECT OURSELVES TO LIKE, 8 HOURS OF THIS SHOW.



Tuesday, February 3, 2015

the bachelor :: chris : epi 5.

Land of Enchantment, here we come! Let's get these ladies some turquoise jewelry!

"Santa Fe, really, seems like the perfect place to fall in love." -- ChrisAfter watching this show for over a decade-- is there really a bad place to fall in love? Other than prison or Iowa?

WHO IS THIS CHICK TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH AND SOMBREROS?

"I've never been out of the country." -- gUrl
And you still haven't.
: (

Everyone is all, I NEED that one-on-one date. This is not the place to discuss the world's entitlement problem, but know I see it. I SEE IT.

Carly gets the one-on-one! Chris thinks she's the PERFECT gUrl for this date. I am assuming this date is some kind of shitty performance date? Like a nursing home talent show?

Why are they in New Mexico?
This is so low budg.

And now Chris and Carly have to spend the date doing yoga or some sort of "7 Years in Tibet" shit?

Oh. She's a "love and intimacy" expert. Chris keeps calling her the "love guru."

ABC, you've really done it this time.

Carly blindfolds Chris and everyone giggles. Well, everyone minus the lady who used to manage a Claire's someone in West Texas and is now a "love guru."

I've never seen less Chemistry between two people.
Granted, I barely passed any Chemistry class I ever took.

The lady who probably cleans pool in the off-season tells Chris and Carly it's time to "de-robe."

"I don't take my clothes off for anyone." -- Carly
GOOD FOR YOU.

What is even happening right now? No one wants to take anyone's clothes off and everyone is really uncomfortable. (Note: I'm not that uncomfortable. I'm more sad for humanity.)

"Tell me what you're feeling around that." -- Love Guru
"Maybe, keep the pants on." -- Love Guru

Every other man that has ever subjected himself to being the Bachelor right now is laughing his ass off. This is like some weird hazing. WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

Now, there's a lot of heavy breathing and "exploring with your hands."

I feel like no one should be allowed to watch this right now because some CAB (crazy ass bitch) is out there thinking, "my boo and I need to do this."

They kiss.

"I'm excited. I felt more of a romantic thing with Carly than I ever have." -- Chris
Well, you also wanted to bone that one chick in the ketchup aisle at Costco, so I don't really trust you.


It's nighttime now!

"Ohhhhh, it's so fancy!" -- Carly
It's like, a lodge with pillows?

Carly thinks they should've gone to the Love Guru on date seven, not date one. She starts going on about her last boyfriend and how he NEVER wanted to touch her. Ever. Even after 2 years.

I understand that that is a sad story because she didn't feel pretty, but like, more than one chick on this show is a widow. And this is your story. Your boyfriend wouldn't have sex with you and you kept dating.

Now, she says if a man desires her, all of her bad feelings will go away.
CARLY, CALL YOUR DAD. GO TO LUNCH. LET HIM BUY SOME TOOLS AT LOWE'S.

Chris struggles with being "open" about Iowa.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
What a jackass.

"Are you scared someone is going to get to your house and then they'll want to leave?" -- Carly

These two are kind of the worst. I mean, I am sure she's a fun gUrl. But.
She gets the rose.

------

It's time for the group date!

SocioKelsey is back on this nature date and I'm worried she only wants to go rafting in MICHIGAN, because MICHIGAN has the best rafting.

"We are about to go WATER RAFTING!" -- gUrl
"What's in the water? There could be alligators or dead bodies." -- gUrl
I always assume there are dead bodies in all bodies of water. 
And woods. 
And abandoned cars on the side of the road.

Some old man came up and told them all they were going to die or something, so now everyone is scared.

Jade, the organic makeup developer, fell out of the boat.
She apparently has a condition that causes hypothermia at 65 and sunny.
Now, everyone is jealous that they don't have this condition.

------

After party!!!!!!!!!!

The outdoorsy stuff lasted for 45 minutes real time and 2 minutes of TV time.

Chris is walking through the hotel and now, Jordan (?!?!?! WHO ??!?!!?) is walking down the hall and is ready to confront Chris.

How does ABC convince these Gs to do this?

Chris sent her home because she was a drunk or something. But, second chances and love and happiness are important to her, so she's here!

The other chicks are starting to wonder if they are being stood up.
IN YOUR DREAMS, gUrls. In. Your. Dreams.

Chris sits down with Jordan and she asks for a second chance.

Chris marches Jordan out like a show pony and gives her the chance to join the group.

Everyone loves Jordan, BUT NOT HERE. NOT NOW.

Everyone is wearing turquoise jewelry, LIKE TURN DOWN FOR NEW MEXICO CLICHES.

Ashley I., the virgin, is wearing a very tiny piece of cloth. She sits down with Chris to discuss the fundamental differences between her and Jordan.

The rest of the Gs are confronting Jordan.

"The point of this process is that gUrls get eliminated." -- gUrl

Every gUrl who sits down with Chris tells him he's an idiot.

People are acting like Jordan stole a presidential election.
Or kicked a puppy.

"We shouldn't be nice to her right now!" -- Ashley I.
Yes. Yes. Because, maturity.

Chris gets some time with Jade and immediately covers her in like, 7 blankets.

"Are you okay? -- Jade
"I'm okay, if you're okay." -- Chris

Chris decides the Producers have had enough control over this situation and pulls Jordan aside.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.

1. He needs to get a more manly leather jacket.
2. He needs to quit talking about Iowa like it's a place.

Chris puts Jordan on the first bus back to rehab.

"It just doesn't make sense for her to be around." -- Chris
Oh.

Jordan goes to tell the Gs goodbye and Chris watches over her like he's nervous she's going to steal something.

I am not giving this situation any more attention.

TONIGHT'S ROSE IS GOING TO SOMEONE WHO MAKES CHRIS FEEL REALLY SPECIAL.
Whitney gets the rose!

I am an adult. Like, I pay taxes, I know when to get my oil changed, all that stuff.

I've NEVER heard a man say, "I feel special."
Maybe, I've never talked to a man before. I D K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But.

All these Gs are mad. Mostly, Ashley I. is mad.

I think I've figured Ashley I. out. Basically, all I know is she had a really huge Sweet 16 birthday party (maybe even one featured on MTV) and drives a leased BMW.

That or she's a server at Sur on Bravo's "Vanderpump Rules." It's one or the other.

-------

It's really early in the morning and Chris is waking Britt up. He thinks she looks BEAUTIFUL.
He brought a flashlight in there. Like. What.
This isn't a cave. It's a hotel and there are lights everywhere.

Apparently, Britt sleeps in makeup.
And that is just NOT okay with these ladies.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT!

Britt thinks Chris is a fun guy. I've seen a lot of Chris so far this season and I would not describe him as "fun." I mean, I think he probably takes really good care of his clothes and probably re-arranges the dishwasher after someone else loaded it, but fun? Not getting that vibe.

ITZ HOT AIR BALLOON TIME!
This is my worst fear, because I never want to be in a place that I cannot go to the bathroom, if needed.

Are they not allowed to wear sunglasses? I didn't really start wearing sunglasses until late into college because I thought I looked weird in them, but now, it's more of a health concern. I don't want the sun in my eyes. I want to be able to see things.

Britt and Chris head back to his hotel room.

"It's so clean!" -- Britt
Yeah, it's a hotel. They do that there. 

Britt keeps talking about clean it is, while the other gUrls are sitting around talking about how Britt doesn't take showers.

Then, right as the other gUrls are talking about how Britt doesn't want kids, Britt is telling Chris she wants 100 KIDS.

100? Like, one more than 99?
Seems like a dramatic change from what the other gUrls are saying.

gUrls are crying.
Britt and Chris are under the covers kissing.
Chris shuts the doors to the hotel room.

Britt returns with a rose. And talks about how Chris woke everyone up with his LOUD KISSES. And then something about a nap.


Everyone is mad. But, no one is as mad as SocioKelsey. She uses air quotes and everything.




Kelsey heads to his hotel room and decides it's time to tell him that she's a widow.

"I'm not going home without him knowing I'm a widow." -- Special K
That's one way to put it.

After she's done....

"Isn't my story amazing? It's tra-gic, but it's amazing. Ugh! I love my story." -- Special K
Chris uses this opportunity to kiss. 

Apparently, this was her plan for a first kiss all along.

In all seriousness:
1. I hope she is actually a weirdo, because this is real crazy (not just reality TV crazy), if not.
2. I truly hope her, likely still grieving, in-laws are not watching this. At all.

------

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley I. is going through a list naming name and I don't know any of them.

Chris joins the party and starts a long "emotional" speech.

"It's been a true honor to spend the week with you all in Santa Fe." -- Chris
I question his definition of the word honor.

Chris launches into his conversation with Special K. She starts crying. Chris has been thinking about some things today that...LONG ASS PAUSE...OMIGAH, he needs a second!

Chris runs away and all we can hear is heavy breathing.

The cocktail party is now revolving around Special K because everyone assumed she was going home that night, so she pulled out the widow card.

No one thinks she's very nice.
Kelsey wanted to honor her story.

Again, VERY LOOSE DEFINITION OF THE WORD HONOR.

"Everyday is a gift. Time is precious." -- Special K
THAT IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. 
AND MY TIME IS NOT BEING HONORED. 

Special K is just sitting on this couch half-crying and whispering like she's in the bathroom at prom.
Now, she's giggling.

Everyone is frustrated.
IT IS SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



WAIT. WHO IS THIS?
SHE WANTS TIME WITH HIM, TOO.
BUT. IDK WHO SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ChrissyPoo comes out to tell the ladies that Chris knows exactly what he wants to do.
NO COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT.
THE FUN IS OVER.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears.
Tears.

EVERYONE HAS BEEN THROUGH SOMETHING.

Kelsey, finally, gets up. No one knows where she went, but they agree that it's weird.

CRYING, SCREAMING, MOANING.
(OFF CAMERA)

The camera finds her. Special K is on the ground!
MEDICS!
MOANING.

A British woman named Diane keeps asking Special K where she is!
It looks like she's outside of the bathroom of a sad Mexican restaurant.
But, I can't be sure. I don't want to put words in her mouth.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What in the world is this chick with the sombrero.
This is not real.
I am not even.
Sorry.


I HAVE NO FEELINGS. I HATE EVERYTHING.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The bachelor :: chris epi 4.

ChrissyPoo rolls in wearing one big navy blob, so I am assuming the wardrobe department has the day off.

He is there to tell the ladiez that CHRIS' THREE SISTERS WILL BE DECIDING WHO GOES ON THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE. Can you believe that?!

Like, a bunch of Gs get a date card that says something about being natural or something. What's more natural than going camping and driving two really old cars?

"Nothing is sexier than a guy driving." -- Ashley I. 
Such low standards.

Chris takes the chicks to a lake.

"Well, obviously, you can see! We're at a lake!" -- Chris
He is just the best.

"I'm excited to see how these gUrls react to nature." -- Chris
Oh. A secluded, private lake with coolers and toys, that NO ONE had to carry themselves?

One gUrl took her top off and then, another gUrl took her bottoms off. But, they put them back on very quickly. Doesn't matter how quick-- their dads still saw it all happen.

-----

The SistaGs show up and that one cruise ship director is acting like the damn Easter bunny hopped up to the damn door.

They just sit around and interview everybody three-on-one.

"If you're not nervous, you're missing out on something important in life." -- CruiseShipG

The Sistas just keep asking everyone if they're comfortable living in Iowa. Everyone is all, "IOWA IS SO SEXY AND COOL."

We learn that Jade used to "model, for like a web site, for clothing." But, now she is developing organic makeup. Then the Sistas said, "Oh, many talents!"

If someone, said to me, to my face, "I'm developing an organic makeup line," I would probably set her car on fire.

-----

Back to the "lake!"

Kelsey is trying to take over Tim Allen's PureMichigan commercials and she is NOT impressed with this lake, she wants to go to a lake in Michigan, NOT this hell hole. She is so angry over this "lake" she's spent the entire day fake smiling and now wants to stab a fork in her own eye.

"This is questionable." -- Kelsey
PREACH.

About this time, Chris announces that they are all spending the night at the "lake." THEY ARE GOING CAMPING.

Two of the gUrls put up one of the tents by themselves and Chris looked at them and said, "what just happened?" HE IS THE TYPE OF GUY WHO ASKS TO CUT A gUrl's STEAK WHILE THEY ARE AT APPLEBEE'S.

IT'S A TENT, NOT THE PENTAGON, CHRIS.

-----

The CruiseShipG sits down with the Sistas.

"I haven't had a guy be very nice to me....my grandpa loved my grandma." -- CruiseShipG
Shut that down, gUrl. Don't lead with that. Like, no guy ever has been nice to you? 

We learn that Jade gets the one-on-one date from the Sistas. They were VERY impressed with her entrepreneurial spirit.

-----

Chris wants to take his kids camping, so he is really enjoying making those kabobs for the Gs.

Kaitlyn gets some time with Chris and she just wants to know what makes Chris-- Chris.

LIKE NO OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD-- HE IS TOUCHY-FEELY.
Kaitlyn got her own house, got her own car, two jobs, works hard, she a bad broad.
She doesn't want a man to give her gifts, SHE WANTS WORDS.

We've found our villain! It's that gUrl who is obsessed with Michigan! Apparently, she's the first gUrl to ever fake laugh on a date. (According to the Gs.)

Crazy Ass Ashley drank some whiskey and then sang a song that went, "taat-te-taat-te-taat-te-ta."
I didn't hate it.

"What are you?" -- Ashley S., to Chris
Totally fair question. 



"Look at the moon, it's so entertaining." -- Ashley
It is?

This chick is on-point.

Ashley I. tells Chris that she doesn't like guys, but she has a "frickin' crush" on him. That was an invitation for him to kiss her. Obvi.

Now, it's time for the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kaitlyn gets the rose and now, it's time for everyone to go back to their tents.

Ashley I. is obsessed with the fact that she is a virgin.

"I don't think Chris could guess that I'm a virgin." -- Ashley I.
Like, how do you phrase that?
Chris...you'll never guess what I've never done! Guess! 

She heads to his tent.
"I am freakin' innocent." --Ashley I. 
"The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were smart, well-rounded and a girl." --Chris

She keeps referring to her virginity as a "vibe."
She feels like she really spilled the beans.

She doesn't want him to think she's a hook-up gUrl, so she went to his tent really late at night and made out with him and talked about her "vibe."

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

-----

It's time for one-on-one date with Cinderella. Or Jade. Whatever.

A few homeless people come into the mansion screaming, "Jade! Jade! Where's Jade?!"
They are there to transform her into a "modern-day Cinderella."

Ashley I. is FAH-REAKIN' out because apparently, she is the ONLY gUrl in the entire world ever who's wanted to feel like Cinderella.

I'm like-- y'all, Cinderella's mom died and her dad married a real bitch. Christmas probably sucks.

Ashley I. cannot believe how frustrated she is.

OHHHHHHHH.
ABC.
DISNEY.
YOU TRICKED ME.

This segment sponsored by a movie, produced by Disney.

Is that really how JUELIA spells her name?
Has to be a typo.

-----

Chris is waiting on his date.

"I hope at the end of all of this, my fairy-tale comes true." -- Chris
A MAN JUST SAID THIS.

They sit down to dinner and just talk about being engaged before. Chris likes that Jade told him things he needed to know.

Back at the house: Ashley I. is eating corn (off the cob) while wearing a "princess dress" and drinking white wine on a couch alone. AND IF YOU THINK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SHE HAS EVER DONE SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU ARE INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jade calls Omaha a "transition" town. SHOUT OUT, OMAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris gives Jade a rose because he is "really impressed" with her knowledge of Omaha.
Jade really "peeled back the layers" tonight. She doesn't tell just anyone about Omaha.

Chris said Jade has a "Cinderella-feel" to her.
In other words, "she feels like she used to be poor and sad and kind of smells like bleach, but she looks really pretty."

ABC BE TRIP'N PLAYING THAT NEW MOVIE UP THERE.

PRINCE CHARMING.
PRINCE FARMING.

I HAVE NO NICE THINGS.

Jade has a curfew and they said "fairy-tale" 469 times.

Kudos to her running down those stairs in that dress and heels though!

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!

LET'S GET DURRTY!

Everyone puts on a wedding dress and gets in a limo.

Jillian is mad. She likes to hike and run.
She's not feeling the best that she can feel today.

Now, the Gs are on a private plane.
Chris greets them on the runway in a tuxedo.

"We're in San Francisco!" -- Chris
I'm actually surprised he didn't show them that on a map. 

He whisks them away to a muddy obstacle course. You know, one of those tough mudder race things.

They must race, against each other, in their wedding dresses. The winner gets the evening date with Chris.

JILLIAN IS SO IN HER ELEMENT.
There's being outdoorsy and athletic and there's running through a muddy obstacle course and calling it your "element."

Carly compares Jillian's muscles to Chris' muscles. And other things.

Chris, being an ass, decided to "hang back" and "help" the gUrls finish the race.
CHRIS IS THE TYPE OF GUY WHO HAS NEVER DONE HIS OWN LAUNDRY.

Jillian wins the date and gets to go to a fancy hotel suite for dinner!

Chris asks Jillian, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Jillian starts talking and doesn't really stop.
She doesn't have a 5-year plan.

Chris is not happy with this.

She basically starts talking about working out and her un-athletic dad and her mom's "training" and Chris is not impressed.

Jillian broke her dad's heart because something about Cleveland and then, dirty jokes.

"Would you rather have sex with a homeless gUrl who's crazy OR abstain from sex for 5 years?" -- Jillian, to Chris
She did not get the rose. 

Gosh, I don't know why. That seems like a totally normal question to ask a guy.

Chris says his goals aren't aligned with Jillian's, so he's going with his gut-reaction and it's not there for him.

Jillian starts crying.
Lots of deep sighs.
Hugs.

"I hope I find love, not just love-- love with the person I am supposed to share my life with." --Jillian
Good clarification. 

Chris goes over his bio again-- he's 33 years old and he's been single for most of his life. Minus that 7-year stretch with the gUrl he asked to marry him. Otherwise-- UNATTACHED.

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!

GAME ON!!!!!!

One of the chicks blind folds Chris and feeds him fruit.

Ashley I. is still FAH-REAKING out. She thought she clarified everything, but her "vibe" was all off. So, tonight-- she's telling him.

Chris is VERY confused.
Ashley I. doesn't want him to be freaked out.

"It's not something I'm super serious about." -- Ashley I.
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

Of course, Chris is "impressed" by this fact.

At this point, I'm convinced she is just waiting on him to be like, "May I de-flower you now?"
LIKE, WHAT IS HER DEAL.
WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, gUrl?
REIN IT IN.

Everyone in the house is WAY OVER her v-card.

"If he doesn't give me a rose tonight, I know he's not the one." -- Ashley I.
OBVIOUSLY.

THEN, THAT OTHER CHICK TOLD HER SHE WAS A VIRGIN, TOO.
HEADS ARE SPINNING.
DADS EVERYWHERE ARE CLAPPING.

Ashley I.'s eyes rolled back in her head and I thought she was going to have a seizure.

Britt pulls Chris aside and asks the greatest question ever on this show.

"I want to know why these actions and behaviors were validated." -- Britt, to Chris over his whoring ways

He cannot answer.
His integrity has been questioned AND THAT IS TOUGH.
He is literally speechless. Like, words cannot come out of his mouth in the form of sentences.

Chris appreciates her honesty and is glad to have the conversation, BUT HE GETS HIS ASS UP AND LEAVES REAL QUICK.

ChrissyPoo shows up.

"I am a man and I will handle this like a man." -- Chris, over his whoring ways

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Britt is scared now. She's "totally worried."

Chris tells ChrissyPoo that things "changed this week."
ChrissyPoo also put those words in his mouth, so I'm not sure if it's true or not.
Also, I couldn't hear him.

LADIES, CHRIS, IT'S THE FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!
WHEN YOU'RE READY.

Duh. Britt gets the final rose.

Juelia (seriously-- spelling?) has a daughter and Chris thinks she is special, so he held her hands for way too long.

Ashley S. is going home and the world is weeping.
Y'all, this G has this game on LOCK.
She invented the damn game.

"I feel nothing." -- Ashley S.
Amen.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

the bachelor :: chris : epi 3.

"An exciting new episode of 'The Bachelor'!"
Lies.

We learn that the male visiting the show is Jimmy Kimmel. He must feel very secure in his career. Or they paid him an actual shit ton of money. Like, a truck backed up to his house and just dumped money on his lawn.

Jimmy is going to "help" Chris with the decision.

ChrissyPoo Harrison is looking F2D with his v-neck tee under that blazer.

Kaitlyn gets the date card.  She's "pretty excited." Even Chris doesn't know what the date is-- supposedly. He's just in limo giggling like a middle school gUrl as ole G is guessing what the date is.

The limo pulls up to Costco, because it's what real couples do.

Do you know what I do if a male went to Walmart with me and pushed the cart?
I'd go on a reality show to fulfill that dream.

"There aren't many gUrls I know who could handle a date like this." -- Chris
DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE IN A GIANT GROCERY STORE AND NOT BOSNIA?

They put everything in the limo and ride off. The limo drove off with the trunk up. I hope that was real. Like, I hope with everything in me that was real.

Jimmy Kimmel is coming over for dinner and Kaitlyn really started feeling feelings when Chris started seasoning that steak. Like, for real. That's what she said.

They start making out, but then Jimmy arrives, so they stop so he doesn't make fun of them. And then there's some weird giggling or something.

Chris hopes Jimmy doesn't show up.
I hope they cancel this show.

"She likes beef and whiskey." -- Chris

Kaitlyn reveals that she's dated "legit" farmers before.
Actually, just one farmer.

I think they only served steak to Jimmy Kimmel. Which, if fine. But, kind of a shitty party.
Oh, there's a giant basket of salad.

Jimmy asks about the fantasy suite. Chris giggles terribly. They just keep talking about sex and Chris cannot stop giggling.

He giggles just like my fake laugh I made up in 8th grade.
Seriously, I had this terrible fake laugh that I made myself do in 8th grade.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose because he was "super impressed" today. Like, he really liked the way she handled herself in Costco. Like Costco was Easter dinner at a nursing home with a combative grandmother or something.

Jimmy finally leaves and Chris and Kaitlyn decide they wouldn't trade it for another date because it was so "normal." I'm assuming they hang out with super famous people ALL. THE. TIME.

They get in the hot tub and Chris likes her because she's "real." I think she was wearing a leather bikini.

I would hate to watch like, "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" with Chris.
HE THINKS EVERYTHING IS FUNNY.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a "Hoe-Down Throw Down." Sounds like a college party.
Or a terrible 1st birthday party.

Jimmy wants the ladies to do farming chores as part of an elimination challenge.

Carly isn't good at "being very competitive."
Which is why her singing career has gotten all the way to the level of cruise ship singer.

Shucking corn is hard. Chris says if some chick can't shuck a little corn and get her hands dirty-- she's not the gUrl for him.

This goat milking thing is pretty awful. A couple of gUrls are wearing fancy jewelZ like they're in a rap video and not milking a goat to win a rose from Kroger.

That one chick's butt was hanging out again.
#Prayers4DatGsDad

The Cruise Ship singer milked the goat and drank it. She started shoveling that manure like she had something to live for. SHE IS NOT JUST A CRUISE SHIP SINGER.

AND THEN THAT CHICK JUMPED OVER THAT FENCE.
Y'all. That was real. And it was awesome.
She is wearing those Nikes for a reason.

Carly, not just a Cruise Ship Singer, won and she did a terrible dance, which leads me to believe she will always be a cruise ship singer, SO.
Winning an all-expenses paid life trip to Iowa IS a step up.

------

AFTER GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carly pulls Chris aside faster than that G jumped over that fence and everyone is mad.

She is dressed like a cruise ship singer. But, one who shops at Chico's on New Year's Eve at the last minute before heading to a hotel bar. Like, a hotel bar out by an airpot. One of those.

"You are a man and I am a woman." -- Carly
That was her excuse for kissing him.

Then, Chris starts kissing EVERYONE.

"There's a fair amount of kissing going on, which is the point of this whole deal." -- Chris
OH. 

AT LEAST HE'S BEING HONEST?

The chick with the baby named Kale called him out on it.

"Why are you kissing everyone else?" -- gUrl with kid named Kale

"Well, you know, eh. That's a good question. I don't know. Honestly, kissing is something, I think, part of a relationship, getting to know someone. I need to be who I am and put myself out there." -- Chris

If you ask someone why they are doing something kind of, sort of not cool and their answer is, "I need to be who I am," you need to follow-up with-- "are you 15?"

Only middle school gUrls yelling at their dads say shit like that.
Or gUrls who want to go to art school for $60,000 a year.

Chris follows up that convo by hugging a gUrl in a white dress.
I do not know her name. She feels a connection, but she doesn't want to "rush" anything, because this whole process is slow and methodical and thoughtful.

Carly was BOLD today and she really wants that rose.
She is seriously dressed like a newly divorced mom who's never been out on a Friday. No one else is wearing sequins.

gUrl in the white dress who hugged Chris got the rose.

CARLY IS MAD.

"Roseless feels so bad." -- Carly
But, not as good as skinny looks?

-----

ONE-ON-ONE DATE TIME.

Is he on a date with a chipmunk drinking rosè?
(I closed my eyes for a second and that's all I heard was a chipmunk.)

"...She can roll the cob, you know what that means?" -- Chris
First off, rude.
Don't ask a gUrl if she understands, she does. 
Second, YOU ARE FROM IOWA. That's not like it's some weird Dutch saying your grandmother taught you from the old country. 

What is Iowa?

Ole chick says she meets people in airports and becomes their friend on Facebook. So, she's like a stalker.

THE INCESSANT GIGGLING IS MAKING ME WISH MY EARS WERE BLEEDING.

Chick wants to crash a wedding. Chris doesn't. He keeps waiting on an ABC Producer to swoop in and save him.

"YOLO!" -- Chick
CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF GIGGLING.

So, now they're totally ready to crash the wedding.

G is the gUrl who's been dreaming of her wedding say since she was a little gUrl.
OH, HOW NOVEL. YAWN.


"Worst thing today is we could end up in jail." -- Chris
NO, CHRIS. THIS WAS PRE-ARRANGED. 
YOU'LL BE FINE. 
YOLO, RIGHT?

They came up with wedding outfits VERY quickly.

They are VERY worried about people asking them why they are there. So, they walked around saying, "Bride or groom?"

HAVE THEY EVER BEEN TO A WEDDING?
JUST EAT THE FOOD AND DRINK THE DAMN WINE.
You don't have to make an emotional connection with any of these people, just go through the damn buffet line and don't throw up on the dance floor.

They ended up on the dance floor with the bride and groom.
Whitney thinks he's a great dancer and he's from Iowa and lives alone on a farm.

She is fairly inaccurate on her description of his dancing.

"I feel so blessed, honestly." -- Whitney, to Chris, while dancing
OH. SHIT. 

She says she's never felt a connection like this on a first date, which leads me to believe she's never 1.) been on a first date or 2.) gotten a little wine drunk on a first date.

"I feel like this is the beginning of a long journey of a lifetime." -- Whitney
That could be the opening line of about a dozen Lifetime movies. Right before someone gets hit in the head with a shovel. 

Chris is just AMAZED at the fact that Whitney could go to a wedding and act like a normal human being. He's so shocked he takes off into a dead sprint to go steal a rose from a table at the wedding.

CHRIS, HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN A DATE TO A WEDDING BEFORE?
If so, has she ever introduced herself to people before you could?
Did she dance with you?
Have you ever seen people at a wedding before? Were they wearing name tags?
What was so impressive to you?

WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? SERIOUSLY.

"This could be one of the greatest love stories of all-time." -- Whitney
gUrl, google: Abigail and John Adams.
That is the greatest love story of all-time. 
Good night and good luck. 

-----

Jimmy shows back up to tell the gUrls there is no cocktail party tonight.

POOL PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You guys like the pool?" -- Jimmy
It's like everyone has to ask the gUrls questions you'd ask kindergartners.
I'm surprised he didn't tell them to wait 30 minutes after eating before getting into the pool. 


Chris arrives and he says it's his dream to have a pool party with 18 women.

Chris, I've been to about a million pool parties with just women and it's basically just gUrls swapping magazines and talking about being "so hot" without ever really getting in the pool. Nothing to write home about.

Britt sits down with Chris and we get an up-close view of that necklace he's wearing.

Britt asks him some questions, but before he can finish what he is saying, she just starts mugging down. He even tries to talk through the kissing and can't.

Jade wants to just "get in there" and have "no regrets."
So, in a bold move, she asks for a tour of his BachPad.

Jillian decides to head over there, too. She gets in his hot tub.

Jade decided to "test the bed out" with him.
She is legit wearing stripper heels with her robe and bikini.



At most pool parties, gUrls just wear flip-flops.

They make out on the bed.
Jillian is still waiting.

Chris decides to hit the hot tub with Jillian, while Ashley I. is in "super finding Chris mode." She thinks it's a treasure hunt. She finds him and isn't "interrupting, just joining."

I cannot take that chick seriously with the thing on her head and then the belly-button ring. That's a sure-fire sign of everything but wife.

There's some kissing in the hot tub. Well, on the ledge of the hot tub. To her credit, she didn't get in the hot tub and straddle him or anything.

gUrl with kid named Kale invades the hot tub right when the kissing stops.

It starts getting weird because all the gUrls interrupted the alone hot tub time, but Jillian just stands her ground and continues the conversation.

Ashley I. cries because that's just not how she would've handled it.

gUrl with the kid named Kale is just picking wedgies during all of this.

Ashley I. runs away.
Because, that's how to make your point about getting alone time.

Kale's Mom comes back to tell everyone else about what happened in the hot tub.

Chris arrives looking for Ashley I. and she immediately takes him upstairs.

"I felt pretty desperate." -- Ashley I.
NO. You?

"I just want everything to feel natural." -- Ashley I.
Oh. Okay. 

She basically cries during the time they are alone together and then, they kiss. Chris is super into gUrls crying. They kiss so much they almost fall off the ledge of the roof they are sitting on.

Ashley I.'s confidence is BACK.
So. LOOK OUT.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like that. Bathing suits and all.

Chris tells the gUrls he's been there before and he needs some time to think about his decisions.

Everyone puts on their prom attire and it's!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy is back.

Chris comes out and screws up his one job: giving a fake-ass speech before the rose ceremony.
He gets names wrong, says "amazing" so much he finally starts correcting himself and so on.

Some of these chicks are wearing earrings the size of a Ford Escort.

CAA (Crazy Ass Ashley) didn't get even a full minute of screen time, but totally got a rose.

LADIES, CHRIS, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley I. ain't got a rose yet, EVEN AFTER ALL THAT ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION, SHE IS NOT READY TO GO HOME.

PRAISE REPORT: SHE GOT THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think the gUrls practice their "thank you" whispers? I kind of do. No, I know they do. I think they rehearse a lot.

"You're a good gUrl." -- Chris, to gUrl in blue dress
Really great example of what not to say to a gUrl when you don't want to even fake date her any longer. 

Until next week.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

the bachelor :: chris : epi 2.

It's hard to reconcile that this is on every single week and people are starving in places.

"Remember 2 minutes ago when he said goodbye to? It means see you never." -- gUrl
IT'S NOT GOODBYE, IT'S SEE YOU LATER. 

So, like, what is happening? A gUrl came back and wants more time to talk? So, now she is back?

CHRIS. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND.

Can you imagine being THAT gUrl?
Hey, are you the gUrl that begged the guy on national TV to stay on the show? 

------

Chris and ChrissyPoo are having a sit-down. Chris is wearing non-laced Converse. You know who wears those? Kids who can't tie their shoes.

This guy is all, SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK or something. I honestly cannot hear him.

"Chris said this is the most important thing he will ever do in his life." --ChrissyPoo
Sounds like hearsay!

ChrissyPoo told the ladiez that Chris was living just 15 feet away and showering naked all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The reaction most of the ladizez had to this information leads me to believe they have never had neighbors before.

You know who zips his hoodie half-way up? This guy.



-----

Chris is ready for a group date and he wrote on the card, "Show me your country!"
Now, at least half of these Gs think Iowa is another country. : (
But, that leads me back to my question from last week-- what IS Iowa?

"Last night was crazy, so let's have a pool party!" -- Chris
Most original thought ever. 

Chris thinks this pool party is "taking things to the next level." So, if swimming is the "next level," can you imagine what dinner means? Like, dinner alone?

Two chicks snuck into Chris' house and one chick's lower parts kept getting censored. I assumed she was wearing a swimsuit, but since swimming is the "next level," maybe it is necessary? 



The pool party is over and the gUrls are walking through downtown LA in their bikinis which is totally objectifying and awful. But, whatever. ITZ TV AND NO, I'M NOT OFFENDED. 

Oh, "show me your country" means driving a small ass tractor in a bikini.

OKAY, NOW I AM OFFENDED. 
Isn't traffic in LA bad enough? This can't be helping the situation. 

Chris' impersonation of the tractors going slow was some of the better television I've ever seen. 

Ashley I. CANNOT believe she won the tractor race and now she gets alone time with Chris and you know what I cannot believe? THAT ABC THINKS IT'S OKAY TO MAKE THEM DRIVE THOSE TRACTORS AROUND IN BIKINIS, LIKE ITZ NOT A THING. 

The one-on-one time was just Chris and Ashley I. sitting on a tractor. She doesn't even care that she's FREEZING, BECAUSE THIS IS AMAZING. (Baby gUrl, your father is so, so sad this morning.)

Now, there are hay bales in downtown LA, because SHE'S COUNTRYYYYY, FROM HERE DOWNHOME ROOTS TO HER BIKINI AND WEDGES. 

------

My cable went out for 6 minutes. 

Now, everyone is clothed and Chris is saying he's "never had that conversation" on a first date.

Ole gUrl is talking about aliens on a first date and Chris thinks it's a red flag, but clearly he is color blind, because THERE IS SO MUCH OTHER BAD HAPPENING AROUND HIM.

I could make a list of 289 moronic things I've said on first dates or worse-- job interviews. That's what happens on first dates. ALSO, THEY ALREADY TOOK IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AT THAT POOL PARTY!

It's really hard for this chick to say that she has a son.
I can only imagine this is how my mother feels.
JUST KIDDING.

She finally told him and all he said is, "tough gUrl."

Chris is the type of guy would react to news about a terrorist attack the same way he would react to using a coupon at K-Mart.

It's like, he has emotions, but HE IS BORING AS SHIT AND IS A FARMER FROM IOWA.

He gave that chick a rose, so aliens be damned!!!!!!!!!
Dancing! Dipping! Giggling! A kiss!

-----

Y'all. That date card showed up and Megan thought it was just a note-- not an invitation for a date. AGAIN, MEGAN, YOU ARE A WHITE, SINGLE gUrl, YOU REALLY TELLING ME YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHOW WORKS?

White gUrls know the rules to this show about the same time they memorize "Mean Girls" and pick a favorite Kardashian.

Chris shows up for the date and luckily, Megan is on the same page. She has googled "date" and gets it.

They get on a plane and head to Las Vegas.

FIRST HELICOPTER OF THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point in my life, the least impressive thing a man could do for me is take me somewhere in a helicopter. Unless that helicopter is going to take my car to get the oil changed or fry the bacon on Saturday mornings-- NOT INTERESTED.

The helicopter lands in the Grand Canyon, which is pretty cool. The Grand Canyon is one of the first memories I have in life. Well, I definitely remember the trip to the Grand Canyon. Involved multiple cans of cheese balls.



So, this chick's boss signed her up for the show. Any employer that can say, "We don't need you here for 6 weeks," is probably trying to tell you something else, baby gUrl.

Baby gUrl's dad died right before the show and like, I cannot even imagine.

In the midst of that terrible, terrible story, Megan managed to fit in two things:

  1. She is here for the right reasons.
  2. She is taking a HUGE leap of faith. 

Both points seemed unnecessary at the time.
She should give a TED Talk anytime soon, okay?

Chris gives her a rose, because WHAT JACK ASS WOULD DUMP A G FOLLOWING THAT STORY AND MOMENT?

------
The next group date card comes and reads, "Until death do us part."

"I don't want to die today." -- chick
Yeah, because ABC is going to take on that lawsuit. 

This is literally every gUrl's worst fear and nightmare.
I can't tell where they are, but some zombies come out and they got in the limo. Or climbed on top of the limo.

Clearly, none of these gUrls spent any amount of time reading R.L. Stine growing up.

Someone is taking shots of whiskey.
She ain't play'n.

"I'm excited to see these gUrls in this type of element." -- Chris
UH. What is this element, kind sir? 
This isn't camping or lifeguard certification. 

Apparently they are "killing" zombies. But, Ashley wants to shoot each other. I'm right there with you, gUrl.

"Listen, I would never shoot you." -- Ashley
Again, ABC ain't gonna mess with that lawsuit. 

PSA: KIDS, IF YOU MOVE TO L.A. TO TRY TO MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR, THERE IS A 95% CHANCE THAT YOU WILL END UP AS A ZOMBIE AT A PAINTBALL FACILITY. YOUR FATHER IS RIGHT. 

Chris is just really impressed with "how cool and amazing" these women are.
Again. This is the guy who eats at an Applebee's and raves to his friends about a "cool, little neighborhood spot."

Is Ashley S. drunk or the world's best character?

Oh! They found "the beacon!"
I'm glad there was an objective.

"You guys really killed it today." -- Chris' toast to the ladiez
Y'all. You know a producer wrote him that joke and he just LOL'd like crazy. 

At this point, Ashley S. is looking like a very disheveled middle school math teacher.
Fractions are hard.



Chris is getting some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn (I think) and she's all, "I just want to laugh and be funny."

Oh, okay. FYI-- if you have to tell someone you want to be funny, you probably aren't that much fun or even funny.

OMG. Chris loves her jokes.

Kaitlyn just can't live in Germany her whole life, so Iowa is going to be a damn dream come true!

Ashley S. wandered off and came back saying "boom!" and then something weird about, "go find your own truth" before going to find Chris. Chris asks her to go on a walk and baby gUrl says she wants to go hide. Then, she agrees to the walk.

Here's the thing-- Chris doesn't know she's drunk. He really has no idea.
He has one strawberry daiquiri  down at TGI Friday's and is a goner, so this level of drunkenness is totally foreign to him.

He thinks she just had a lot on her mind. I think I met her in college 400 times.

First Impression Rose gUrl gets some time with Chris and tells him that she isn't worried. It's going to work out and she's not stressed. She says it very plainly and clearly and follows it up with, "Does that make sense?" gUrls who try to validate every statement they make with a follow-up question like that are the worst.

Oh. Chris gave her a coupon for a kiss.
I bet the emoticons this guy sends in just one text message is asinine.

Like, if we went through his texts, we would, without a doubt, find this:

:-p

Not okay.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and she acted like a small child upon receiving it.

-----

PRE- ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't even make it this far last week, so I feel like I'm really progressing. Or regressing. I definitely meant regressing.

Oh, Whitney set up a little special date and got ole boy some special Iowa whiskey. You know, for a "special taste of home."

"I can't change what happened, I can only hope for what will happen." -- Whitney
Uh.

Oh. I cannot even with this virgin talk. These chicks think she's a gamer now. Like, it's some special trick. ASHLEY I., I AM PRAYING SO HARD FOR YOUR FATHER RIGHT NOW.

Drunken fake fights over kissing.
Yelling.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When gUrls start talking about "deserving" a rose, I check out. I cannot even dive far enough into what we do and do not deserve.

OH. THAT CHICK FELL WHEN SHE WAS WALKING UP TO GET HER ROSE. BUT, IT WASN'T EVEN HER NAME OR SOMETHING. WHAT.

Julia.
Jillian.

I can hear it? IDK.

That Kimberly chick might not get a rose again. And that is going to really, really hurt.
I would change my damn name when I got home!

Ladies, FINAL ROSE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa. Ashley S. gets the rose.
ABC Producers come through in the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Kimberly didn't get a rose twice. TWICE.
There is nothing worse in the world than experiencing junior high gUrl emotions as a full-blown adult and that has to be what she is feeling. The worst.

Anytime a guy says, "good luck" to you, you should probably be done with all things. Forever.

So, that was it until all the previews of the a dude getting out of a limo. I can only assume ABC has really gone full-tilt on us and is bringing in a male suitor for Chris.

OY.