Thursday, December 20, 2012

crimmas movie quotes: updated.

As I was driving to work this morning I think I got honked at by another driver. I say I think, because I'm not entirely sure who the honk was directed towards.

Regardless of who the honk was aimed at, the first thought that popped into my head was a quote from the Crimmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life." The quote being, "Teacher says, 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Upon this quote entering into my thought process I began to think of what this quote would look like if this movie was remade today, in 2012.

And thus, brilliance was born. Updated Crimmas movie quotes, if the movies were remade in 2012.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
Original: “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Today: "Daddy, teacher says, every time someone honks at you in Crimmas traffic by the mall an angel gets its wings."

Original: "If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank."
Today: "You're killing the middle class."


HOME ALONE
Original: “KEVVVVVVVVVIIIINNNNNNNNN!"
Today: "JAXXXXXXXXXX-OOOONNNNNNN!"

Original: “Okay, this is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?”
Today: "This is like, major. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family to get an updated data plan for our iPhones?"

Original: "I made my family disappear. I made my family disappear!"
Today: "I blocked my family's status updates from appearing in my Facebook newsfeed, so it's like they disappeared."


MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET
Original: “If you're really Santa Claus, you can get it for me. And if you can't, you're only a nice man with a white beard, like mother says."
Today: "OMG. Google it. Amazon has everything."

Original: "Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed."
Today: "What does Donald Trump say? I'd like to see his birth certificate."

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION
Original: “Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"
Today: "Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed."

Original: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
Today: "Happy Holidays, kiss my ass."

Original: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "
Today: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! I need a Xanax."


A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Original: “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Today: "It gets better."


Original: “Bah humbug!"
Today: "F, you!"

Original: “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
Today: "I mean, I got mad love for Christmas! Imma respect Christmas. Mad love for Christmas, y'all."

Original: “God bless us, everyone!"
Today:"You get a car, you get a car, you get a car! Everybody. Gets. A. Car."


Mur Crimmas, internetS! May your shitter never be full!




Friday, December 14, 2012

crimmas gift guide: dos.

Omigah. Only 10 shopping days left before perpetual disappoint sets in and you walk away from Crimmas morning the proud owner of more than one flashlight and several pairs of socks. 

Let's avoid that disappoint for your family and friends with these fabulous finds. 


Book Holder
For: The Avid Reader who Can't Move His/Her Arms
Why: Because, how often are you sitting in a chair, just holding your book and suddenly, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED from all the work of sitting and holding a book? Like, all. the. time.




Cow Wind Chime
For: The Cow Lover
Why: Because, if you love cows, you want to enjoy their beauty.
Bonus: The wind chime sounds like a dream angel serenading you on your back porch while you are peacefully reading a book THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BOOK HOLDER. 






Ice Cream Cone Lamp
For: The Avid Reader with a Sweet Tooth
Why: Because, lamps are a yawn! Spice (or SWEET) it up a bit and get a lamp shaped like an ice cream cone.


 

Raptor Dog Costume
For: The Dog/Dinosaur Lover
Why: Because, what person doesn't want to own a dinosaur?
Bonus: Your dog looks like a dinosaur now.




Portable Spa
For: Everyone
Why: Because, how many times have you showed up at a friend's house hoping to just relax in the jacuzzi and you can't?
Bonus: IT'S A PORTABLE SPA, Y'ALL. 


The One-of-a-Kind Shirt
For: The Fashion-Forward Man
Why: Because, men are unique individuals, most with a style all their own.
Bonus: All shirts are a piece of art and no patterns are repeated-- you pick the patterns you want!
Double Bonus: Great for a night out on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties or any other time you want to stand out!


Friday, November 30, 2012

crimmas gift guide.

Hey, holiday shoppers! If you are reading this it means you survived Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Congratulations, I'm sure you're family is going to want you around that tree in a few weeks. Especially if you're bringing gifts and especially if you're bringing some of these great items I've picked out for you and yours!




Build Your Own KFC
For: The KFC Lover

Why: Because, typically you can only keep KFC one of two places: an actual KFC or your heart. Well, fret no more! You can now build a KFC in your own home to enjoy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 



Boot Dazzles
For: The Fashionable Boot Lover

Why: Because, sometimes you buy a pair of boots and then, you think, "My boots are boring!" Not anymore! Not if you buy that someone special some boot dazzles! Dress 'em up, dress 'em down!



Foxy Sleeping T
For: The Foxiest Lady You Know

Why: Because, women always to feel foxy and want to know that you think they are foxy. What says just that better than this foxy sleeping T? Your lady is sure to look foxy as all-get-out donning it.




The Long Reach
For: The Laziest Person You Know

Why: Because, everybody poops. It's true! I had a book about it.
But, why? Because,  some people are lazy. And now, those lazy people can be even more lazy with this toilet paper reacher! You reach, you wipe, you win!





Squirrel Wall Mount
For: Everyone

Why: Because, traditional, functional decor never goes out of style and that's exactly what this is. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

oh?

And here we are again!

I woke up this morning feeling mostly the same as I felt yesterday. Meaning, regular. Just regular.

Save one thing-- there are a lot more people/things going to Hell today than yesterday.

According to my Facebook and Twitter feeds these people/things are headed straight there: the state of Florida (I'm guessing most of Miami-Dade County), the state of Ohio, the entire country, Barack Obama, the newly-elected lesbian Senator from Wisconsin (that's a hefty title to carry around-- even in Hell!), anyone who lives in Florida and voted for Gary Johnson and of course, everyone in Maryland who voted FOR same-sex marriage AND FOR extending in-state tuition to undocumented students (no word on Hell for those who only voted for the tuition measure).

(Some people would argue that Ohio is already its own version of Hell, so there's that and growing up gay in Wisconsin was probably difficult, so there's that, too.)

You know what's interesting? Even if we sent the entire state of Ohio to Hell, Mitt Romney would still not be President. Ain't that a swift kick in the pants? (I am of course referring to Ohio's 18 electoral votes and taking them away.)

-----

I'm all for passion. I'm for people being interested in their government. But, it seems as though America's greatest qualities are also becoming America's greatest downfalls. Those being our freedoms to speech and religion and everything else that falls under those categories.

These Facebook and Twitter statuses are some of the most absurd things I've ever read. And, people, I've read the entire internetS three times in my life! So, I've read a lot of stuff.

The worst ones are the people who post Bible verses and then say, "AMERICA IS RUINED!" Reminds me of the time Jesus saw those people selling shit in the temple and he got really angry and spewed hate. Oh, wait. No, that didn't happen. He drove out the people selling stuff, healed some people, hung out with some kids and then left.

A lot of people are convinced that this great nation of ours was founded on Christian principles and values. That's not entirely true or false. Take Thomas Jefferson for example: the guy was a diest. He wrote his own version of the Bible. He liked Jesus and believed in some version of the God I believe in, but he sure wasn't an Evangelical. He wouldn't even be electable today because people are so fanatical.

Some of these statuses remind me of that gaggle of people that got on a boat and sailed across the Atlantic to escape religious persecution. And you know what they did not long after their arrival here? They started persecuting others for their different (or seemingly different) religious views. It was called the Salem Witch Trials, look it up.

Listen, (listen, listen,) I love the Lord. I'm not ashamed or scared to write that (SHOUT OUT! First Amendment!), but I am ashamed to be associated with people claiming to love the Lord in one moment and then spew hate in the next. Barack Obama is not the anti-Christ. He's a guy with a weak record and strong rhetoric. (Can we take a moment to examine Jimmy Carter? Talk about a great man who loved the Lord! And what a terribly shitty President he was, too!) (Also, if you look up Mormonism, most Christians don't really agree with it, kind of the same way they don't agree with Islam.)

Grace came down, people! Use it, give it out freely! Love somebody!

My other favorite statuses are the people who are moving to another country to get away from this "ruined" America. Mostly, I've seen Canada and England. Oops! Fact check: they've got that healthcare system you've been berating for 2 years.

-----

America, this country is not ruined. It's just not.
I believe that with my whole heart.

All that to say: just calm the hell down. Go to Target, buy some American-made products, drive a car built in Detroit, drink a PBR, vacay in Gulf Shores, volunteer somewhere, give some of your money away, support a public school in your town, play some baseball and eat a piece of apple pie. Then, educate yourself on some policies you are passionate about and work for them and not against something else.

Also, just calm the hell down.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

every 4 years.

America, America.
Land of the Free, 
Home of the Raging Idiot with a Computer. 

That's a little poem I just made up for today.

I love this country and I love that I can, on some level, pick the people who represent me in our beloved government.

Twenty years ago my mom sent me to school with a button on that said, "I'm voting for Cousin Bill" for the better part of a week leading up to the 1992 election. I was in 3rd grade, but no one yelled at me, no one told me how wrong or terrible I was-- it was just a button expressing my (or my mom's support) of (cousin) Bill Clinton.

America is regressing.
If I wore a button like that today I wouldn't make it out of my apartment building before someone stopped me to tell me how wrong I am. When did we get to this? When did everything become a political statement? When did we stop being Americans and start being FOR this and AGAINST that?

I'm at my wit's end with this one, gang.

Barack Obama is not perfect. Hell, he's not even great. But, the man believes in something, he's trying. Yeah, I haven't heard him mention the budget this entire campaign, but if he wins tonight, you're all going to wake up in the morning. Text me if you don't.

Mitt Romney is not going to save this country. Maybe he has some decent ideas for the economy, but if he wins tonight, you aren't going to wake up in the morning with a rainbow up your butt. Text me if you do.

I'm just saying: think about the part you play in all of this. Do you engage in thoughtful conversation with others or do you tell everyone who disagrees with you that they are going to Hell?

Would you yell at a 3rd grader wearing a Bill Clinton button or would you ask her why she believed in him?

One time, I voted for John Kerry. It was more of a vote against George W. Bush than it was a vote for Kerry, but nonetheless he got my vote. Upon people hearing this their face gets distorted, they shriek and then they launch into some tirade about how great GW was/is. I'm also pretty sure some people tried to tell me I wasn't a Christian anymore because I voted for him. It made me sad and embarrassed.

We can be better, America!
Quit acting all crazy and shit.

** Full disclosure: it's a secret ballot for a reason, but I haven't voted along party lines since my first time to vote and I did I not vote for Obama in 2008. I did vote for Hillary Clinton in the primary though, then I got baptized-- don't worry.


Friday, October 26, 2012

still hoopin.

A few weekends ago I attended my 10-year high school reunion. It was one of those events that I was looking forward to and could've done without all at the same time.

I had some conversations with people that I haven't even seen in 10 years and one guy that I don't really remember talking to in high school offered to buy me several tequila shots. I declined.

At one point in the evening a guy walked up to me and said, "Hey, Lauren! You still hoopin'?" as he acted like he was shooting a basketball.

It was with that one (ridiculous) question that I realized nothing has changed and everything has changed. Nothing has changed in the sense that it was completely normal for this guy to ask me that question and then, everything has changed because I haven't picked up a basketball in years. And basketball was my entire reason for being alive during my growing-up years. How could something so important, so life-giving become so meaningless to me?

Also, did this guy really think I was still playing? Where? The WNBA? He really wants that life for me? Oh, the humanity.

I honestly can't remember if 10 years ago I thought I would be still be playing basketball. I doubt I did. But, I know I thought I would've appeared on MTV's "The Real World" by now.

Some dreams never die.
Some things never change.


But, thank the good Lord some dreams do die and some things do change.
What if I still had this haircut?

God Bless us, everyone.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

debate questions.

Lord knows I love a good presidential debate. But, the debate questions are stupid and they rarely even get answered. It's all bullshit and rhetoric.

If I could moderate the debate we would play by a different set of rules, outlined by me.

First off, you have to answer the answer the question. No matter what. You get one pass. Just one for the entire debate.

Second, you would have to wear something like a shock collar around your wrist. If you start interrupting too much, I will shock you. This is America. We are civilized. Act like it.

Third, if you state "facts" you must cite your sources.

Fourth, you must go by the name that your parents call you during the debate.
(For example, I would go by, "LN," rather than Governor Cowling or whatever.) This makes things more personal.

Fifth, for every 6 lies that you tell a puppy is either sent to your home to live forever or sent to the streets.


So, with the rules out of the way, here are some of the questions I would like to ask:
(In no particular order.)

Explain the deficit to this group of 5th graders. 

Do you drive an American car? What's the gas mileage on it? Did you buy your American car because Dr. Dre and Emimen are in commercials for them?

Are you friends with Jay-Z? What do you think Jay-Z can do to help you be a better president?

Do you know any gay people who have served in the military AND have had an abortion? 

How often do you really go to church? 

Do you watch "Homeland"? Isn't it absurd that the VP is such a power player? 

What's your favorite domestic beer?

Who is your favorite president, why?

What do you mean when you say, "middle class?"

If Warren Buffet wants to pay more taxes, can't you just ask him to make a donation?

Can you describe yourself in three words?

Is there a law that you can try to pass, so people, under the law, can't get away with singing their own arrangement of the Star Spangled Banner?

Can you, delicately, explain to the American public that you, as president, don't really have much to do with gas prices?

Can you please cut about 1/3 of government spending and pour it all into public education as an experiment for your whole first term in office and just see how it turns out? 



If I could just get some of those questions answered I'd feel a little better about this whole election thing. Until then.

This is America.
Bless it.





Friday, October 12, 2012

veep (veep).

I love the internetS. 
Like, I love the Lord, I love my family and friends, and I love the internetS. 

But, also-- I hate the internetS, as it's given every moron with a computer or phone a chance to be relevant, or the illusion of relevancy. I'm not sure which is worse. 

In an odd way, the internetS is somewhat comprable to the role of Vice President. The position can make one seem relevant, when in reality they are not. Sure, sure if POTUS goes down or there's a tie to be broken in a Senate vote they immediately become relevant. 

Nine times the Veep has taken over for POTUS after death and 244 tie-breaking votes have been cast since 1789. Meaning, barely two tie-breaking votes happen in a year, but mostly they never happen. And POTUS hasn't died while in office lately. Meaning, the Veep is the easiest job in the world. 

You're powerful, but not really. 
You're important, but don't have to make many hard decisions. 

You're visible, but no one could pick your kids out of a lineup. 
You're busy, but you get plenty of sleep at night. 

I bet the Veep sleeps more than I do and he flies private. 
BEST JOB IN THE WORLD. 

I digress. 

Last night's train wreck of a debate between Veep Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan was nothing short of SAD. These two guys were up there arguing about foreign policy like two high school kids at Model UN. But, seriously. They giggled and interrupted and belittled one another-- over nothing!

Basically, they were debating over the chance to be in the background of a shit ton of photos and the opportunity to sit next to the Speaker of the House during the State of the Union address. 

All of that to say, no one votes for the bottom of the ticket. 

Be informed, people!

"The most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived." -- John Adams, on the office of the Vice President

Friday, September 21, 2012

style post :: my bedroom.

Before I even knew what the word style meant people were telling me I had it. I didn't believe people then and I don't believe people now (COLOR ME HUMBLE), but sometimes, possessing an elusive, subjective quality with an incredibly loose definition is something that you just cannot escape. 

So, internetS, I'm giving in. I don't like to get too personal on the internetS, because who wants to read that, but today I'm going to let you into my bedroom and give you a glimpse of my home and my stylish decor taste! 

People are always commenting on my photos and e-mailing me questions about my style and tastes. 
One of the main questions people are constantly asking me is, "What would you call your personal style?"

Where do I start?!
If I'm getting dressed, I'm always trying to look like I could attend a yacht party at a moment's notice. But, I also want to be able to walk down an alley and not get mugged for looking too refined (as if that's even possible). So, for clothing, I would say I'm a bit of an East Coast-preppy-hipster-with-a-hiking-mentality and pops of bold, bright colors and whispers of whimsy. Too easy!

As far as decorating goes, it's a little bit tougher to nail down. I want my personality to shine through and I want to pay tribute to my heritage and the things I am most passionate about. So, I guess you could call my decorating style: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern-matronly-Christian-woman. 

Now that that is out of the way, let's get to the bedroom!


The bedspread: I got this little number at a super fun, modern store called Dillard's! Sensible prices and large selections! I loved the soft beige and yellow and then just died over the pops of coral, so it was one of those must have pieces. 



The dresser: What a labor of love this item was! I got it my sophomore year in college and it was this horrifically stained piece for years until I finally got a hold of some sand paper and new drawer pulls! It took me a couple of days to sand down and re-stain, but I love how it turned out! Looks like Dolley Madison could have owned it or something! It not only serves as my dresser, but a night stand, too! [Look closely, do you see ole Abe Lincoln peeking at you?]


The book case: Can you say steal of the Century? This was the first piece of furniture I bought myself when I moved to Dallas. It's from Ikea and has served me so well! It houses all of my favorite books and a few loose items, too! See any books you might like to borrow? I've got a pretty extensive collection ranging from about 25 different collections of other people's personal essays, lots of books about Jesus and then the real gems: a book about James Garfield's assassination, three books about Franklin Pierce (14th President), more than one book about John Adams, a book exploring George Washington's complex view of Christianity, 800-pages on why Richard Nixon was the way he was and of course, a book about Martin Van Buren. MARTIN VAN BUREN. There's more, but I won't bore you with the details!

The chair: Definitely my favorite item in my room. This chair was passed down from my Grandmother Bonnie to me. It's comfortable, it swivels and it reminds me of spending lots and lots of time in her home! The back features orange crayon that has likely been there for well over 20 years! Depending on your sources you could say this is an antique piece, but for me I'll stick with vintage! Yes, that's an antique map hiding behind the chair! There's just never enough time, you know?!



The trunk: My grandfather made this for me before I was born, so again: VINTAGE. It's handcrafted with detail and love. Currently, it serves as a storage facility for blankets and junk mail. 


The globe: Now, this is one item that IS without a doubt an antique. It's pre-1960 and was quite the find! I was just rummaging through my grandmother's storage room when this globe started calling my name! I told my grandmother I was taking it and she couldn't stop me! I mean, what a deal. Right? The books featured under the globe are pretty great, too. It's a series of American history books from 1776-1968. The globe, books and photos of the Capitol Rotunda and Independence Hall really capture what I'm going for: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern. I die.


Wall Art: Remember how I said I like my decor to reflect my personality and what I am passionate about? Well, here you go! The vintage map of Arkansas represents my home, my family and my Arkansas Razorbacks. The hand-drawn individual sketches of all the presidents represent my passion for America, learning, art and fun! Sometimes I find myself just staring at both of these pieces for minutes on end.



So, there you have it! That's my bedroom. 
It's stylish, fun, comfortable (and cozy!) and very reflective of who I am. 

What do you want to see next? I know, I know-- a peek into my closet! Patience, dear ones!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

school days.

In a weird twist of fate I've managed to be out of high school for 10 years. I've been out of college for 6 years. So, if you do the math, I haven't had any formal education in quite a few semesters.

But, alas school goes on without me and according to my Facebook Newsfeed every single person I know has a child going back to school this week or is a teacher going back to school. I guess as long as the teachers don't start posting their feeding and sleeping schedules we'll all be all right.

To honor the long line of teachers I come from (seriously, a shit ton of people in my family have been teachers) here are some back-to-school photos compliments of lc of lcblogs.com.

KINDERGARTEN


The Brosef got super sassy with his pose. Or. He was just showing off his really impressive dinosaur backpack. Knowing my brother it could go either way. He's very sassy and very showy. Honestly, it's likely that he was being sassy AND showing off the impressive dinosaur backpack that was probably special ordered from the back of a Highlights Magazine. He was in 3rd grade. 

When you look at the casual-cool I am exuding in this photo you would have no idea I was about to enter into my FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL EVER. I was too cool to even look at the camera, but I knew my mom wanted a smile, so I looked off to the side just a smidge and gave her one. The hands in the pockets? Clearly, I'm saying, "Screw you, kindergarten!" The bag on one shoulder? It's like I had done it all before. There's not a hint of nervousness in me, save my left foot. The slight flex of the left foot is happening to let people know, "Hey, I'm 5. Stay cool."

I have to assume I picked out my own outfit. I wanted to portray casualness, but also that an effort was made and that I was very serious about my education. If you look at my brother's outfit you can tell he was not thinking the same thing. The suspenders and loafers really put this outfit over the top. 

God love my mother for trying her damndest with me and my wardrobe growing up. 


3rd GRADE


It was at this point that I decided to just be serious about my education and to not worry at all about my attire. The floral print shirt was chosen to let everyone know that I was thinking about becoming a Democrat and the plaid messenger bag was foreshadowing to my dreams of becoming an elitist East Coast academic. 

I also wanted all the boyZ in my 3rd grade class to know that I was a lady and I was going to dress like one. The 13-inch inseam in my shorts was the perfect way to get that point across. I rarely advertise what isn't on the menu. 

The outfit was completed by matching my brown socks perfectly to my brown bow. 

I was going into the school year with a broken arm, but my still tan skin was there to let everyone know that I still swim with a broken arm, so "BACK THE F UP, 3rd GRADE."

My brosef is pictured in what would become his uniform for life: a polo shirt and khaki shorts. He opted not to smile because he was a 6th grade boy. 



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

the olympics: commentating.

We're going to pretend like NBC isn't running most major events on tape delay for a few moments and dive (pun intended) right into the second biggest headache of the games of 30th Olympiad: the commentators.

OY VEY.

Matt Lauer got us started off right during the Opening Ceremony when he said these two things:

"The queen, everyone knows she's got a wicked sense of humor."


"I don't know if that's cute or creepy."


SWIMMING

Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines,
making Olympic swimming almost unbearable.

What's with these guys? They stand unbelievably close together and offer almost no insight into the majority of what we see on our television screens. The only thing Rowdy ever talks about is underwater turns and strong finishes. I wish he would go under the water and stay there.

At one point, Rowdy told me to "watch the clock" during a race. Instead of the race? Or at the same time? Or what? Was the clock going to swim?


GYMNASTICS
I was never a gymnast on any level. Like, I can't even do a forward roll. And I've tried. However, I had enough friends compete to know what's going on.

The things that these people do with their bodies needs no commentary. The fact that they are flying through the air and twisting 17-26 times while wearing bedazzled eye shadow and enough hair clips to withstand Katrina speaks for itself. Just shut up and we'll watch.

But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They have to say audacious things like, "She's better than she deserves to be." I'm sorry?! How hard has this kid worked? I mean, I was a mediocre high school athlete and I worked hard to be mediocre. My parents watched thousands of dollars flow out of their bank account to support my mediocrity. And this gUrl, who is clearly more talented and more hard-working than I, is being told she doesn't deserve it? Absurd.

I just need someone to explain the damn scoring system to me at the beginning and then shut the hell up.

ARCHERY
At one point, the commentator told me that, Khatuna Lorig, competing in her 5th Olympics, never really felt comfortable with her sport until she trained the actors in "The Hunger Games" to shoot a bow and arrow.

That has to be a joke, right? If she was so ashamed, why wouldn't she just quit? I'm sure Katniss just really changed her life.

BASKETBALL
"Can we like Lebron James now?"
Yeah, don't get me started.


EQUESTRIAN
This is the event that really just sent me over my limit. Granted, I know nothing about horses, equestrians, dressage, saddles, spurs or hay-- but, these people still took it to another level of absurdity.

We aren't going to discuss this, but Adele was playing in the background of one of the rides. ADELE. Can you imagine any other sport blaring Adele while the event is happening? OH. Michael Buble just came on. This can't be real. If you can dance your first dance at a wedding to the same song you can be an Olympian to, I'm out. OUT.

Also, at no point did these people ever explain anything to me. THIS IS AMERICAN TV. Do you think we have any clue what is happening? Have you ever seen an equestrian rider on a Subway commercial? No. That's why we need some help. Just tell us what is happening.

Who's the athlete? The horse or the rider? Who gets the medal? Do they make horse medals?

"I wish he would tuck that tie in, it's so unprofessional. You'd never see an American looking like that."
Let's note that this man was commandeering a huge ass animal over obstacles when his tie slipped out of his jacket. What's more important-- his safety, the horse's safety OR his tie? Well, if you said safety, you're wrong. According to this lady his tie was most important.

Also, the Americans finished dead last in this particular competition, so who gives a rat's ass about what they look like. They probably look like losers with their ties all tucked in and a bunch of sorry scores on the scoreboard next to their names.

"French horses are so much lighter." 
Great! Horses everywhere are going to be watching their weight now just to live up to the lighter French horses. Horse anorexia: look for it to be a big issue come the 2016 election.


"That's a rail."
This was said AS THE HORSE KNOCKED A RAIL OVER. Clearly, this lady thought a blind person was watching and could only hear that a rail was knocked over, so she needed to explain it.


"She has a sister named Linda."
With a back story like that, who wouldn't want to know more? Really? Either tell me that Linda is a paraplegic because she fell off a horse and now the sister rides for both of them OR leave Linda out of it.


"That was such a beautiful end to a beautiful ride, the picture would've been even prettier if she had tied her hair back."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I get it. This is a sport where people are wearing tuxedos and top hats. You need to look your best, BUT...they are on a damn horse. You could die while doing this or at least break your neck. Are we really concerned about hair?








Tuesday, July 31, 2012

bachelor pad: epi 2.

I know I didn't blog about last week's epi, but I'm glad I don't have a slutty twin sister.
AM I RIGHT?


I'm going to attempt to recap this reality television disaster, but with so much happening at the exact same time that nothing is happening I can't guarantee much.


Also, this is a family-friendly blog. This show is not something you should ever mention watching to your family.

-----

We open up with Erica's celebration.
I would celebrate more if she wasn't wearing that dress. I think, technically, it's lingerie.
I think.

Rachel takes it to the street with the twins later. Then, I don't know what happened. They were just arguing and crying. Arguing and crying. Crying and arguing.

"You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried." -- Twin1
What. 


Then, they made up.

-----

Chrissy Poo is rockin' a wrinkled shirt and some sexy cargo pants.
If by 'sexy' you mean gross linen cargo pants.

IT'S COMPETITION TIME!!!!!!!

In Bachelor Pad's ode to the Olympics, we're doing some rhythmic gymnastics. You have to believe that the actual gymnastic gUrls wish they were in London at the Olympics and well, they aren't. You have to imagine that their parents are just sad. SAD. All that money and time DOWN THE DRAIN. And now here they are on national television "coaching" these always half-a-step away from being drunk people.

The Padders are split into boy and gUrl groups. It's a shit show. I can't think of any other way to describe it. JUST SAD.

Erica Rose, of course, is the worst gUrl in the group. I think she's sedated. Has to be. Right?

Donna, the fan, is just "killing" it.
But, that's according to Donna.

THIS IS REALLY STUPID.

Uh-oh! Leotards!
Or just TARDS.

PERFORMANCE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

They put the gUrls in the same outfit as the boyz.
TEEHEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

UH-OH. THE DENTIST AND JP ARE HERE TO JUDGE THE COMPETITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When is she actually going to be a dentist? GO BE A DENTIST.

The other judge is supposedly a gymnastic medalist from the US, but she looks like a Pussycat Doll. I honestly don't know if I could choose between being a Pussycat Doll and an Olympic medalist. JOKE. I'd be a medalist.

The gUrls perform and it's pretty bad.
Bad and sad.

THIS IS SO STUPID.

Next up, the boyZ.
Supposedly, the boyZ were better than the gUrls, but I was checking Twitter for Olympic updates, so I don't know if that's really true or not.

WORST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: Erica Rose : (
WORST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: Ed : (

BEST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: BLAKELY
BEST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: MICHAEL

I'm watching this and I'm like, "THIS IS YOUR REAL LIFE."

-----

Michael isn't thinking strategy at all. He is looking for a love connection.
LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE.
And. Does this mean he's on the show for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?

Erica Rose cannot handle that Donna is going on the date instead of her.
Donna is wearing a crocheted, bare mid-riff top. It's cute, if you live in a trailer park and you aren't planning on being cold throughout the evening.

Donna is workin' it.
If you like Creed cover bands. Oh, that's not a Creed cover band?
There was also a 70-year-old man in the crowd.

Again: if you, as a band, end up on this show is it the highest or lowest point of your career? I say lowest. But, I'm not a band.

OH. WE HAVE A KISS.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

Rachel says he's a phenomenal kisser.
He's not a phenomenal dresser.

-----

Somewhere else there's a burrday party going on for some gUrl. This boy throwing it is someone I have never seen on my television before. There's a lot of drama happening.

At one point this gUrl says, "I'm someone he can take home to his family." About this time, she points to herself and she's wearing lacy, fingerless gloves. Talk about irony.

-----

We get back to the group date and they are drinking, what seems to be straight whiskey.

Michael pulls Donna aside and she's brought her 8th grade notebook. She creepily drew a sketch of Michael years ago and is now showing it to him. In return, Michael makes out with her, to "fulfill a fantasy." OY VEY.

-----

Chris, wearing his token hoodie, is workin' that back and playing some GAME. He's kissing gUrls and then crawling into bed with other gUrls.

It seems like these people wear their swimsuits all day long and I just have to note: that's pretty unsanitary and can cause some pretty disastrous things. Also note: not speaking from a personal experience, but 9th grade health class.

-----

RACHEL GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----

So, I've figured out that Chris is partners with Blakeley, but he's making out with Jamie and saying he wants to be partners with her. They are BOTH wearing hoodies now. Now, they aren't wearing hoodies, but they are in the same bed. I CANNOT KEEP UP.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!! Jamie just walked up to her bunk, but she found the hoodie-less couple smooching. ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OF HER BED, NO LESS. These people have no regard for others. Lots of tears.

-----

Blakeley has to decide who to take on her date. She picks Chris, Ed and David. David starts crying when he's chosen. WEIRD.

The date consists of some Soapbox Derby racing. YAWN.

I mean, really Soapbox Derby? This is your marketing technique?

CHRIS, WHAT SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
IS THAT A FISHING SHIRT?
OR WHAT IS THAT?

There's a lot of spray paint and a lot of plotting by the pool.
These people must not have actual lives. I cannot imagine leaving my life and my job to go on this show. After taxes and splitting $250,000, that's not much money.

Ed wins the derby and he drinks out of the trophy.
Shocking.

It's after-date cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of "strategy" talk.  And lots of sad, sad behavior from these adults.

David opens up to Blakeley.
Chris opens up to Ed in the pool.

"I'd be sitting in an 8x8 storage room with you and could be happy." -- Chris to Blakeley
My main question would be: why are you in an 8x8 storage room?

David's strategy doesn't work. Chris gets the rose. NO ONE CARES.

THE OLYMPICS ARE ON. WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS?

All the BP'ers are at the pool and hooking up.
Literally, everyone is hooking up but Sarah.
She remedies that and takes Ed upstairs.
Dads everywhere cried. Like, real tears.

We hear from the Twins for the first time in a while. They both are having a mental breakdown.
It's honestly entertaining to hear the other BP'ers talk about them.

There's just a lot of crying.
Like, a lot of crying.

Eventually, they get in a van and leave.

-----

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No gUrls have to leave.

At this point, I have no idea what is happening. People are voting, people are crying, people are plotting against one another. I figured out that one gUrl is strategizing to get her own partner voted off. Like, THE OLYMPICS ARE ON.

FAST FORWARD.

Chris calls, "final rose tonight."

ED GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!
RYAN IS LEAVING BACHELOR PAD IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!

What. a. disaster.

"I'm leaving with nothing." -- Ryan
No, son. You're leaving with some pride. Get the hell out of there. 

-----

We have to do this again next week?
Kill me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : final epi.

Well, gang. It's 'F' for the win. I'm in Napa Valley on vacay and didn't see the epi. No blog from me today. I'll try to get one up in the near future. Peace and blessin'.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : men tell all.

The people who created this show are absolute geniuses. The premise isn't that all that cerebral or anything, but the fact that they can continue to draw people into this false reality is astonishing. I'm definitely a victim. The worst part is that they convince us to watch this episode and lead us to believe we'll learn some juicy details about the season. In reality, we got about 19 minutes of interview time with Mama Bear and some of the boyZ. Such a load of shit.

During Emily's first one-on-one with Chrissy Poo, while discussing some of the most "unforgettable" moments, Mama Bear says dating with a daughter is HARD. She says this whole experience didn't affect Ricki at all. At all? Really? JOKE.

She then says that interrupting gUrl talk is the golden rule. I guess she means the golden rule is that you don't interrupt gUrl talk?

The sexual tension and chemistry between Chrissy Poo and Mama Bear is insane. He's so protective of her. And Baby Boy really dislikes Ryan.

"I know what it's like to be judged unfairly." -- Emily
I wish you would tell me more about that. 


Emily saying, "Get the F out," was one of Chrissy Poo's all-time favorite moments ever.
Cool.

FAST FORWARD.

BACH PAD PREVIEW: Whoa, Chris. You should probably get tested soon! Guess we finally have the answer to the age old question, "What becomes of the broken-hearted?" They go on another show and get. it. on.

Now, we're watching some of the "drama."
YAWN.

Kalon takes the hot seat and before they can get into anything we have to "take a look back."
This show, like every other epi, is just one huge, long recap of previous shows.
If I wanted to set myself on fire five episodes ago, what do I want to do now? What's worse than setting yourself on fire? I need to know.

OMIGAH. More baggage talk.
Die.

"I didn't know for a fact that I absolutely didn't want a step-child." -- Kalon
I can honestly say that today, I don't want one. What does that mean?


Remember how everyone hated CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle), but turns out she was just funny? Is that what's happening here?

"I guess my humor is wasted on a lot of people." -- Kalon
Speaking straight to my damn heart. 


That guy who looks like a lion (an ugly lion) says Kalon was just there for the glitz and the glamour. We must've be watching different shows, Mustafa. What glitz? What glamour?

Now, we have to watch Ryan's clips. I don't know if I completely disagree with Ryan or am totally on-board with him. But, then, I'm like, "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" Oh yeah, not me.

Then, Chris tries to confront Ryan and well, it goes real poorly for Chris. Ryan puts him in his place at least half-a-dozen times and someone sitting behind Chris fist pumps non-stop throughout the confrontation. What was that? He'd fist pump for both of them, so what side is the fist pumper on?

Ryan is very-well groomed, right? And so tan. Too tan. He looks like a Disney prince. But, not in the good way. He isn't ugly, but he's something. I just don't know anything anymore.

Ryan told Chris he never considered him a front-runner.
Chrissy Poo tells us Ryan won't be the next Bachelor.

BORING.
BORING.
BORING.

Oh, yay!
It's time for Chris's one-on-one with Chrissy Poo.
Will there be tears?

I'm still crying over that tie he wore on his last night.

Chris has a strong mustache going.
Weak beard though.

"I loved that gUrl 110 percent." -- Chris
He got that one from his junior high basketball coach. 


"We're here today, we could be gone tomorrow." -- Chris
I wish that were actually true with this show. 


Chris believes that falling in love is so special and that it can happen.
This guy is so going to murder the next person who doesn't love him back.
Mark it down.

Now it's time for Sean. He still has very strong feelings for her. AWKWARD.

IS ANYBODY REALLY READY TO TAKE IN A SIX-YEAR-OLD?
I mean, one week you're a single insurance agent in Dallas and 6 weeks later you have a six-year-old?
That sounds terrifying.

Sean has never really had a broken heart.

Sean is hopeful for the future.

Mama Bear's turn in the hot seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is wearing the tightest dress any mother has ever adorned.

Sean wants to thank Emily for opening up his eyes.
Oh, Chris wants to say THE EXACT SAME THING.

Emily confronts Kalon and she clearly hired a writer to help her deliver those lines. Kalon says, "Thanks for following me on Twitter."

This is all too much.
I hate myself so hard.

Of course it's a rented helicopter!
Who owns a helicopter?

BLOOPER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I laughed once.

Ok, I turned it off.
We learned nothing.

However, I know a lot of homeless guys who date Emily. Probably.

They didn't even talk to that one guy with the language barrier issue. That's who I wanted to hear from.
Oh, ABC, I'm such a pawn in your game.

-----

Well.
There it is.

-----

Will Chris Harrison announce that he's dating Emily next week?
Here's hoping.








Tuesday, July 10, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 9.

"It's all tonight on the Bachelorette. "
I should've stopped before I started.

American Airlines flew these idiots down to Curacao and the opening background music had me believing I had accidently turned on the 5th, and likely, shittiest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Emily takes a walk on the beach and sits on a rock. While sitting on this rock she reflects back on the last 6 weeks. That lasted 9 minutes. For real. In real life she had to have been on that rock for longer than 9 minutes. Baby gUrl's butt had to be hurtin'.

After she got off the rock she drew her name in the sand.

"Emily + ?"
Right now I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?"

-----

It's time for Emily's date with Sean.
I'm a little disturbed by his outfit.
I own that shirt.
And shorts that look pretty identical to those shorts.
I bought mine on sale at the Gap in March. In the LADIES section.
I also own several pairs of Toms.

One time I was driving through downtown Dallas and I kid you not, there was a homeless man wearing the exact outfit I had on. Surprisingly, watching Sean prance around in clothes I own is way worse. WAY WORSE.

Emily has on a shirt she originally bought for Ricki. But, Ricki said she wouldn't wear it because it's so ugly. She also said, "Mom, this shit is see-through, I can't wear it!"

What is this miraculous specimen of aviation?

HOLY HELL. SHIT DAMN.
A HELICOPTER.
I'm telling you, these people are just full of surprises.

And what's that? A private island? All for them?
Again, I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?

Sean tells a story about how he never wanted to hold some gUrl's hand. He made it sound so bad and terrible, but really-- he dated a gUrl in high school and they didn't get married. Guess what? I didn't marry my high school boyfriend either.

How do these people hang out on the beach without sunglasses?

"I'm crazy about you." -- Sean
"Thank you." -- Emily


Sean, ever the keen eye, spotted the snorkel stuff "over there."
So, he had on those shorts under his other shorts? Two pairs of long shorts?


It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sean is wearing a shirt that I swear on my life I own in a different color. Again, it's from the Gap. 


Emily has a romantic dinner planned on the beach. 


Again, Emily tells Sean she thinks he's perfect. He never really denies this claim, he just always smiles. I do like the way he maintains eye contact, but holy crap, NOT PERFECT. 


SeanBoy wrote Ricki a letter. 
Is that his handwriting?
Reminds me of a middle school gUrl's handwriting. 


The letter was sweet. 
But, I'm not 100 percent positive that Ricki can actually read, so it's a wash. 


Sean can't picture his life without Emily, but he never said if he would propose or not. I mean, not directly. Watching them kiss is enough to make me want to drink bleach. 


Fantasy suite card time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, they are just going to stay up chatting all night?
I bet there will be puppy chow and all lots of hair braiding tools, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HOT TUB SEXY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"Sean is like, so hot." -- Emily
Literally or figuratively? 
You are in a hot tub. I just want to be on the same page as you, gUrl.


Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite.
SHE'S A MOM, Y'ALL.
If it's past 4am it counts as shacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rules are rules.

-----

It's time for Jef (EXACTLY THE SAME NAME AS 'JEFF') to meet up with Mama Bear Emily. He's nervous about the day, but that's because hipsters don't do summer or water activities.

"Look at where we are. We are in the middle of the ocean." -- Jef
You can find it on the map next to OLDEN DAYS. 


They discuss their time together at the family ranch and Jef (English for 'Jeff') tells Em that his parents decided they want to meet her. Oh, thank goodness!

Ok, any dude who changes his name from JEFF to JEF and has parents that are smart enough and classy enough and have enough pride to not be seen on this show, just isn't cut out for this. He's too deep. Too sincere. I don't even think he's in this to promote his water company. Meaning, HE'S HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

I just don't see these two together. I mean, can you imagine him hanging out at a NASCAR event? Absolutely not. He will not like the South. At all. I bet he has friends that aren't white. He's going to be so confused.

One plus? I bet they can share jeans.
And maybe hair products.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jef (old English for 'Jeff') has some questions for Em, you know, just needs to cover some of the details. They discuss moving and getting a fresh start.

"Next question, you're an amazing gUrl." -- Jef
Not a question. 


Basically, he asks Emily why she's still single. Are you kidding me?
Remember her Baby Daddy died? And remember Brad proposed and then they broke up?
That's why she's single. Read the internetS, Jef!

Jef (sounds like 'GeoF') is single because he hasn't been able to see the end goal with anyone, but he can see that with Emily. Is he training for a marathon or dating?

Emily wonders how Ricki would "fit in here." At this point, I'd say awkwardly. Can you imagine a six-year-old hanging out on this date and seeing Mama Bear read a note inviting a man back to her suite for the night?

Oh, you mean fit into the big picture.
My B.

Jef turns down the fantasy suite card for Ricki and his family.
Em is thankful.
I dig it.

But, wait! Twist! They are going to hang out!
People, you can do stuff without spending the night.
Just saying.

------

And here's Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrie!
I wonder where Cassie the Producer is hanging out.

He has on the same swim trunks as Sean.
So, these dudes all wear v-necks and now they share bathing suits?
OY VEY.

"One thing you can do that's cool is go swimming with dolphins, in the ocean." -- Emily
Sounds like the best place to do it. IN THE OCEAN. 


"I know nothing about dolphins." -- Arie
Good. That means you aren't a 6th grade gUrl. 

"Dolphins are not that scary." --Emily
Not that scary? What?
So, they are a little bit scary?

Arie says all they want to do when they are together is kiss. That's great and all, but very teenager-ish.

Emily then shares her feelings about kissing Arie. She LOVES kissing Arie.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You're doing good in those heels." -- Arie
Oh, is she? She saving babies and building houses or something?
Oh, you actually mean, she's walking well in them through the sand. 
Oh. Well, you should've said that. 


"I don't know what you do on like, a Tuesday morning." -- Emily


Emily tells Arie he has to get up before 9am, but he isn't scared.

Arie, like everyone else, wants to know what happens after this.

They have not even touched whatever that monstrosity is on their plates.
Could be a salad, could be a fish. Might be a crackhead, got a hold of the wrong stuff.


They discuss loving Ricki and Arie just wants to be Ricki's friend. He sounds like he's breaking up with Ricki. But, Emily digs it.

He's kind of saying all of the right things and not in the wrong way.

Emily is having an inner-struggle. She's a role model and cannot give him the fantasy suite card. At all. She doesn't trust herself with inviting him in. I dig that. Way to go, gUrl!

"There are three guys here and I can only pick one and that means my relationships with the others will be over." -- Emily
That's just for those of you keeping score at home on how this all works. 


-----

Oh, good! Emily packed that horse ponytail for this trip!
There's a bald horse running around North Carolina somewhere.

-----

It's time for her counseling session with Chrissy Poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One time I heard someone say that when you look in the mirror before you leave the house you should probably take one thing off. Emily has never heard this advice.

I do not even know how she came up with the outfit she's wearing. A Hanes wife-beater, a long sequined skirt, fake pearls and then, well I don't know what that other necklace is supposed to be. And of course, the horse ponytail. She's trying to be casual, but fashionable. It didn't work. It looks like her house flooded and she could only grab a few items and this is what she ended up with. I do like her eye make-up though!

My favorite time of the season!
Pre-filmed videos of the boyZ bearing their hearts and souls!!!!!!!!!!
Totally normal thing to do in a relationship-- just make a video, share your feelings and boom.

Sean starts off by yelling, "EMILY!" as if she thought the video might be for someone else.

Jef tells Emily that he'll always defend her and protect her. It's his way of saying, "I GOT YOUR BACK." He's in. That's all she wants in a man.

Arie says his heart is always racing towards her. No clue what that means. Like, no clue.

-------

ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby gUrl is strugglin'. Damn. She don't want to teach no lessons to anybody.

Arie and Chrissy Poo are dressed alike.
Oopsies!

Emily knows none of the dudes think they are going home. She's about to SHOCK THE WORLD.

So many tears. So many.
Get it together, gUrl. Come on.

After staring at the three photos, for what seemed like forever, she makes her move out to the boyZ.

She can't believe she made it to this point.
I have to agree. How did I make it this far, gUrl?

She cares and she's sorry.

Boom! Jef.

Boom! Arie.

: ( Sean.

Sean is shocked. Just shocked.

They walk out, hand-in-hand, and we get a full length shot of her skirt. I think it's actually curtains. So, she really may have lost everything in a flood and decided to save curtains instead of clothes.

"I feel kind of stupid." -- Sean
Because you didn't understand the rules?

Barbie Mom starts crying. She wanted it to be him so bad. So, so bad.
Dogs are barking in the background and it's finally time for his long car ride home.

Sean says he knew without a doubt that he was going to marry her.
Clearly, I'm questioning his discernment at this point.
Definitely not his spiritual gift.

Emily takes some time for herself and sits on a bench.
She looks up to the stars and cries.

Sean feels like his life was stolen from him and there's nothing he can do about it.
I mean, file a police report, son.

Emily's still on the bench crying and Sean hasn't cried on camera yet. Big ups to him on that one.

------

And there you have it.
Only two men remain.




Tuesday, July 3, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 8.

Praise the Lord! Barbie Mom Emily has finally returned from her "old world" travels. That flight home from 1689 must have felt like an eternity.

She returned home in the dead of night wearing an over-sized skull shirt. The shirt was over-sized and so was the skull. Both were over-sized. I cannot emphasize this enough. Such a big skull.

She was greeted at the door by her Sweet Ricki and a "Welcome Home" sign that totally looked like it was made by a six-year-old.

Then, she recapped the most tumultuous 4 weeks of her life-- the last 4.

In the middle of the recap her hair came down, the sign came down and the clock struck 9:32, indicating bedtime for Sweet Ricki.

-----

We head to Chicago where we meet up with young Chris, who is wearing an updated Members Only jacket. The second these two are on the screen together you can tell it's over. OVER.

Chris tells Emily to expect a theme.
The themes I picked up on: Chicago, Polish-ness

Chris explains to us and Emily that his family is Polish. You can see the wheels spinning in Emily's head, What does this mean? Did I go to Poland? Is that in the old world? 


Chris takes Emily to enjoy a Polish brew in the middle of the blustery Chicago day and they've got the joint to themselves. This was this restaurant's moment to shine and they decided to introduce themselves to the world by going with about 12 different fake plants and leaves and some maroon curtains. And a shit ton of wood paneling. At this point I picked up on another theme: BASEMENT.

We finally head over to Lil' Poland to meet the fam.

The second the door opens I pick up on another theme: Chris might be attracted to his sister, as Emily looks identical to one of them.

They immediately sit down to dinner.

WHITE WINE in the middle of winter? These are my type of people. I wonder if it was Polish wine? I'll have to google Polish wines later.

"So, you're his dad." -- Emily, to Chris's dad
Struggle. 


Dad tells Em that if she's looking for love and support Chris is it. If she's looking for something else, HIT THE ROAD.

"I was a hot mess, Ma." -- Chris
I hate that he was saying that in past tense. Baby boy is still a hot mess. 


Look-alike Sister asks Emily what it is about Chris that she loves. Her answer is vague and Emily's upset that someday her brother might get his heart broken. She didn't even talk about Chris. She talked about her brother. Red flag.

Oh, Chris. This is not going to end well.

Chris calls himself crazy AND tells Emily he IS in love. Not just falling in love.

Does he love her like I love pizza or like how John and Abigail Adams loved each other?
Serious question.

Then, Chris surprises Emily with a Polka band and some dancing.
YAWN.

-----

Let's rewind for just a quick second. In the opener, Emily said she wanted a guy with some edge.
Baby gUrl, Jef (which is pronounced exactly like 'JEFF') isn't edgy, he just has a shitty (see: weird) haircut.

Jef (presumably short for 'Jeff') introduces her to his ranch, Homestead Ranch (never saw a home).
They shoot some skeet and baby boy isn't a terrible shot. Who knew?

Emily isn't terrible either.
She takes gun lessons at home.

Quick question: What the hell is a 'gun lesson'?
I don't think that's a thing.

Jef (Polish for 'JEFF') breaks down the family situation to Emily and he nervously plays with her dress the whole time they are sitting under that fancy TJ Maxx umbrella on some hay bales.

Jef throws her to the wolves (Not John's family! He got kicked off.) quickly.
There's a lot of denim and a lot of death stares. Oh, and a lot of kids.

Nothing says let's have a fun time like a tall glass of lemonade and what looks to be at least 48 hot dog buns.

Jef's brother, Steve (presumably short for 'Steven'), pulls Emily aside to ask the tough questions. Steve isn't wearing a wedding ring, but he's married. This leads me to believe that he's part of a cult and he has more than one wife. Maybe I've been watching "Sister Wives" on TLC too much?

"You have to have the fundamentals." -- Steve, to Emily
Is he drafting a basketball team or looking for a sister-in-law?
Maybe he's looking for a new wife and means FUNDAMENTALIST?


The sisters pull Emily aside and the tough questions continue.

"A dad, a step-dad, whatever." -- Emily
No, no. Not whatever.


Emily tells the sisters that she's falling in love, but she's slow to throw that word out.

"I'm a mom, too." -- Emily
THIS IS NEW INFORMATION TO ME. 
A MOTHER?


Jef takes Emily to an overlook and he shares some notes her wrote on the way home from the Old World.

"I love how good of a person you are." -- Jef
There has to be a better way to say that. 


"I love how funny we are together." -- Jef
I've never laughed less. 


And then they made out while laying on a blanket.
Again.

This old dog needs to learn some new tricks.

-----

We're headed to the race track to hang out with Awesome Arie.

Emily is wearing what looks to be semi-formal attire.

ABC is always stirring up some fake drama, so I was really expecting them to lay it on thick with this whole race car thing. WRONG. All we get is, "That's so different than NASCAR."

Arie whisks Emily away from the race track to a field surrounded by some apartments. He puts a blanket down for them to sit on and it's at this point, he just. starts. talking.

Arie's parents are so European. They have different values. They are open-minded. No, they aren't open-minded. They say what's on their minds. He's so nervous.

I am so confused.
At this point, I'm expecting Russians dictators or like, Nazis or something.
He did a terrible job of prepping her to meet these people.

It's finally time.

"I've been looking forward to meeting y'all for a while now. Arie says such great things." -- Emily
LIES. You lie! He said weird things! And confusing things!

"Oh yeah, Charlotte, we raced there in the '90s." -- Arie's Dad
OY VEY. The Charlotte tourism people have to be dying. 


"Not very sexy." -- Arie's Dad, again
And there it is. 
Charlotte's new slogan. 


CHARLOTTE: Not very sexy. 


Then, they started speaking Dutch and like, COME ON, son! Don't play this game. Dutch?! It's not even Spanish. Who can pick up on Dutch? Baby gUrl needs to put this on her list: must learn Dutch. NEXT. 


Arie's mom, dressed like a sexy European, pulls Emily aside. She's very confused. She saw Brad propose and now Emily is sitting here in her sexy European bedroom! How did this all happen? It's all a big surprise!

Arie Senior likes her Southern accent.

Everyone approves.

-----

On to the next one!

We head to Dallas (D-Town Dougie).

Right off the bat: WRONG. Cows?! Really? Where did they go to find those damn things? OY VEY.

Sean's hanging out with his dogs at the lake. The lake that also serves as a water treatment facility. You don't want to fall in that thing.

Sean has his dogs with him on leashes and the second Emily gets out of the car he drops the leashes as if he's showing off. It was very odd. Also, his dogs have very, very people-ish names. Like, as in, names that I know people have recently named their babies.

So, Sean has prepared a picnic. He makes her sit in the middle of a field that hasn't been mowed. Listen up, I've been on like, two dates to White Rock Lake (LOOK OUT) and there are other places to sit. Places that won't make you itch. This is just terrible. I hope Baby gUrl doesn't suffer from allergies.

Sean launches into some weirdo story about how great he is with women.

"I will never ever allow a gUrl give herself to me if I can't reciprocate." -- Sean
SAY WHAT. I for real need to know if he means that literally. Like, for real. 

"He really is so perfect." -- Emily
FALSE. He lives in Dallas. 

He keeps calling his life "simple." That stresses me out. Has he never sat in traffic?  I know that guy probably only buys organic. I've never been to Whole Foods and thought, This is so simple. No, it's hard!

He just left that damn blanket in the middle of the field. And why did he bring a football? Baby gUrl ain't about to toss around the pigskin anytime in this century. PUH-LEASE. 


Sean takes us to his childhood home.
IT IS NOT IN DALLAS.
COLLEYVILLE IS NOT DALLAS.
It's not even in Dallas County.

Kensington?
You gotta take a nap after saying that name.

If she says "perfect" one more time I'm going to set myself on fire.

Sean plays a joke on her. Oh, just dying here. He tells her he lives at home and takes her to a messy room.

"He's a mess and he's really into stuffed animals." -- Emily
Real LOL. 

Oh, he's joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are so lighthearted!

Sean sits down with his perfect dad. Are these two really related? I see ZERO similarities.

Sean talks about this relationship he has with his dad and blahblahblah, but then Dad comes in and is all like, "He's never shared anything with me before!" So confused.

Dad's heart might explode.
His heart might explode at the same time that my head explodes.

Do they really drink dark beer?
What was that?

Sean says bye to Emily.
Of course, he says bye with some real TONGUE-Y kisses.
This kid needs help.
So. much. tongue.

I should not be able to see your tongue when kissing.

But, wait! He needs more.
He takes off in the most leisurely jog ever, yelling at what was NOT the top of his lungs and goes to get another kiss.

The way he strolls back to his house made me want to move to Colleyville/DIE. It was terrible. He thinks he's hot shit. I mean, I know everyone is saying he's so great and loves the Lord and blahblahblah, but I haven't heard him mention that yet. Like, not once. He just struts around in his tight shirts and lame jeans.

-----

RECAP TIME WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is even the point?

PEACE OUT, POLKA CHRIS.

I think Chris's tie was leftover from a wedding he was in once.
No one would ever actually buy a tie that color unless he was trying to match a bridesmaid's dress.

"Do you have an explanation?"
"I don't have an explanation."
"But, it was me?"
"No, it wasn't."
LIES, Emily. LIES.


"How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you!" -- Chris
Oh, shit. 
ZING. BAM. BOOM. POW.


"Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and think, 'I made a mistake.'" -- Emily
Yeah right. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and move to Colleyville.


"I thought she loved me back. This sucks." -- Chris
Well. That sums it up, right?


Chris doesn't do himself any favors in the limo.
He's too emotional for this show. And that's saying something.
I think we'll see him in anger management soon.

-----

We learn that the gang is headed to the Carribbean next week.
I hope they all drown there.

-----

Do I have to address the armadillo joke?
Don't make me.








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