Thursday, December 20, 2012

crimmas movie quotes: updated.

As I was driving to work this morning I think I got honked at by another driver. I say I think, because I'm not entirely sure who the honk was directed towards.

Regardless of who the honk was aimed at, the first thought that popped into my head was a quote from the Crimmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life." The quote being, "Teacher says, 'every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Upon this quote entering into my thought process I began to think of what this quote would look like if this movie was remade today, in 2012.

And thus, brilliance was born. Updated Crimmas movie quotes, if the movies were remade in 2012.

Original: “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Today: "Daddy, teacher says, every time someone honks at you in Crimmas traffic by the mall an angel gets its wings."

Original: "If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan, there'll never be another decent house built in this town. He's already got charge of the bank."
Today: "You're killing the middle class."


Original: “Okay, this is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back?”
Today: "This is like, major. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family to get an updated data plan for our iPhones?"

Original: "I made my family disappear. I made my family disappear!"
Today: "I blocked my family's status updates from appearing in my Facebook newsfeed, so it's like they disappeared."

Original: “If you're really Santa Claus, you can get it for me. And if you can't, you're only a nice man with a white beard, like mother says."
Today: "OMG. Google it. Amazon has everything."

Original: "Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed."
Today: "What does Donald Trump say? I'd like to see his birth certificate."

Original: “Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"
Today: "Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed."

Original: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
Today: "Happy Holidays, kiss my ass."

Original: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "
Today: "Hallelujah! Holy shit! I need a Xanax."

Original: “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Today: "It gets better."

Original: “Bah humbug!"
Today: "F, you!"

Original: “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
Today: "I mean, I got mad love for Christmas! Imma respect Christmas. Mad love for Christmas, y'all."

Original: “God bless us, everyone!"
Today:"You get a car, you get a car, you get a car! Everybody. Gets. A. Car."

Mur Crimmas, internetS! May your shitter never be full!

Friday, December 14, 2012

crimmas gift guide: dos.

Omigah. Only 10 shopping days left before perpetual disappoint sets in and you walk away from Crimmas morning the proud owner of more than one flashlight and several pairs of socks. 

Let's avoid that disappoint for your family and friends with these fabulous finds. 

Book Holder
For: The Avid Reader who Can't Move His/Her Arms
Why: Because, how often are you sitting in a chair, just holding your book and suddenly, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED from all the work of sitting and holding a book? Like, all. the. time.

Cow Wind Chime
For: The Cow Lover
Why: Because, if you love cows, you want to enjoy their beauty.
Bonus: The wind chime sounds like a dream angel serenading you on your back porch while you are peacefully reading a book THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BOOK HOLDER. 

Ice Cream Cone Lamp
For: The Avid Reader with a Sweet Tooth
Why: Because, lamps are a yawn! Spice (or SWEET) it up a bit and get a lamp shaped like an ice cream cone.


Raptor Dog Costume
For: The Dog/Dinosaur Lover
Why: Because, what person doesn't want to own a dinosaur?
Bonus: Your dog looks like a dinosaur now.

Portable Spa
For: Everyone
Why: Because, how many times have you showed up at a friend's house hoping to just relax in the jacuzzi and you can't?

The One-of-a-Kind Shirt
For: The Fashion-Forward Man
Why: Because, men are unique individuals, most with a style all their own.
Bonus: All shirts are a piece of art and no patterns are repeated-- you pick the patterns you want!
Double Bonus: Great for a night out on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties or any other time you want to stand out!

Friday, November 30, 2012

crimmas gift guide.

Hey, holiday shoppers! If you are reading this it means you survived Black Friday and Cyber Monday! Congratulations, I'm sure you're family is going to want you around that tree in a few weeks. Especially if you're bringing gifts and especially if you're bringing some of these great items I've picked out for you and yours!

Build Your Own KFC
For: The KFC Lover

Why: Because, typically you can only keep KFC one of two places: an actual KFC or your heart. Well, fret no more! You can now build a KFC in your own home to enjoy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

Boot Dazzles
For: The Fashionable Boot Lover

Why: Because, sometimes you buy a pair of boots and then, you think, "My boots are boring!" Not anymore! Not if you buy that someone special some boot dazzles! Dress 'em up, dress 'em down!

Foxy Sleeping T
For: The Foxiest Lady You Know

Why: Because, women always to feel foxy and want to know that you think they are foxy. What says just that better than this foxy sleeping T? Your lady is sure to look foxy as all-get-out donning it.

The Long Reach
For: The Laziest Person You Know

Why: Because, everybody poops. It's true! I had a book about it.
But, why? Because,  some people are lazy. And now, those lazy people can be even more lazy with this toilet paper reacher! You reach, you wipe, you win!

Squirrel Wall Mount
For: Everyone

Why: Because, traditional, functional decor never goes out of style and that's exactly what this is. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

style post :: my bedroom.

Before I even knew what the word style meant people were telling me I had it. I didn't believe people then and I don't believe people now (COLOR ME HUMBLE), but sometimes, possessing an elusive, subjective quality with an incredibly loose definition is something that you just cannot escape. 

So, internetS, I'm giving in. I don't like to get too personal on the internetS, because who wants to read that, but today I'm going to let you into my bedroom and give you a glimpse of my home and my stylish decor taste! 

People are always commenting on my photos and e-mailing me questions about my style and tastes. 
One of the main questions people are constantly asking me is, "What would you call your personal style?"

Where do I start?!
If I'm getting dressed, I'm always trying to look like I could attend a yacht party at a moment's notice. But, I also want to be able to walk down an alley and not get mugged for looking too refined (as if that's even possible). So, for clothing, I would say I'm a bit of an East Coast-preppy-hipster-with-a-hiking-mentality and pops of bold, bright colors and whispers of whimsy. Too easy!

As far as decorating goes, it's a little bit tougher to nail down. I want my personality to shine through and I want to pay tribute to my heritage and the things I am most passionate about. So, I guess you could call my decorating style: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern-matronly-Christian-woman. 

Now that that is out of the way, let's get to the bedroom!

The bedspread: I got this little number at a super fun, modern store called Dillard's! Sensible prices and large selections! I loved the soft beige and yellow and then just died over the pops of coral, so it was one of those must have pieces. 

The dresser: What a labor of love this item was! I got it my sophomore year in college and it was this horrifically stained piece for years until I finally got a hold of some sand paper and new drawer pulls! It took me a couple of days to sand down and re-stain, but I love how it turned out! Looks like Dolley Madison could have owned it or something! It not only serves as my dresser, but a night stand, too! [Look closely, do you see ole Abe Lincoln peeking at you?]

The book case: Can you say steal of the Century? This was the first piece of furniture I bought myself when I moved to Dallas. It's from Ikea and has served me so well! It houses all of my favorite books and a few loose items, too! See any books you might like to borrow? I've got a pretty extensive collection ranging from about 25 different collections of other people's personal essays, lots of books about Jesus and then the real gems: a book about James Garfield's assassination, three books about Franklin Pierce (14th President), more than one book about John Adams, a book exploring George Washington's complex view of Christianity, 800-pages on why Richard Nixon was the way he was and of course, a book about Martin Van Buren. MARTIN VAN BUREN. There's more, but I won't bore you with the details!

The chair: Definitely my favorite item in my room. This chair was passed down from my Grandmother Bonnie to me. It's comfortable, it swivels and it reminds me of spending lots and lots of time in her home! The back features orange crayon that has likely been there for well over 20 years! Depending on your sources you could say this is an antique piece, but for me I'll stick with vintage! Yes, that's an antique map hiding behind the chair! There's just never enough time, you know?!

The trunk: My grandfather made this for me before I was born, so again: VINTAGE. It's handcrafted with detail and love. Currently, it serves as a storage facility for blankets and junk mail. 

The globe: Now, this is one item that IS without a doubt an antique. It's pre-1960 and was quite the find! I was just rummaging through my grandmother's storage room when this globe started calling my name! I told my grandmother I was taking it and she couldn't stop me! I mean, what a deal. Right? The books featured under the globe are pretty great, too. It's a series of American history books from 1776-1968. The globe, books and photos of the Capitol Rotunda and Independence Hall really capture what I'm going for: Early-Colonial-Americana with vintage flare and touches of retro-modern. I die.

Wall Art: Remember how I said I like my decor to reflect my personality and what I am passionate about? Well, here you go! The vintage map of Arkansas represents my home, my family and my Arkansas Razorbacks. The hand-drawn individual sketches of all the presidents represent my passion for America, learning, art and fun! Sometimes I find myself just staring at both of these pieces for minutes on end.

So, there you have it! That's my bedroom. 
It's stylish, fun, comfortable (and cozy!) and very reflective of who I am. 

What do you want to see next? I know, I know-- a peek into my closet! Patience, dear ones!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

school days.

In a weird twist of fate I've managed to be out of high school for 10 years. I've been out of college for 6 years. So, if you do the math, I haven't had any formal education in quite a few semesters.

But, alas school goes on without me and according to my Facebook Newsfeed every single person I know has a child going back to school this week or is a teacher going back to school. I guess as long as the teachers don't start posting their feeding and sleeping schedules we'll all be all right.

To honor the long line of teachers I come from (seriously, a shit ton of people in my family have been teachers) here are some back-to-school photos compliments of lc of


The Brosef got super sassy with his pose. Or. He was just showing off his really impressive dinosaur backpack. Knowing my brother it could go either way. He's very sassy and very showy. Honestly, it's likely that he was being sassy AND showing off the impressive dinosaur backpack that was probably special ordered from the back of a Highlights Magazine. He was in 3rd grade. 

When you look at the casual-cool I am exuding in this photo you would have no idea I was about to enter into my FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL EVER. I was too cool to even look at the camera, but I knew my mom wanted a smile, so I looked off to the side just a smidge and gave her one. The hands in the pockets? Clearly, I'm saying, "Screw you, kindergarten!" The bag on one shoulder? It's like I had done it all before. There's not a hint of nervousness in me, save my left foot. The slight flex of the left foot is happening to let people know, "Hey, I'm 5. Stay cool."

I have to assume I picked out my own outfit. I wanted to portray casualness, but also that an effort was made and that I was very serious about my education. If you look at my brother's outfit you can tell he was not thinking the same thing. The suspenders and loafers really put this outfit over the top. 

God love my mother for trying her damndest with me and my wardrobe growing up. 


It was at this point that I decided to just be serious about my education and to not worry at all about my attire. The floral print shirt was chosen to let everyone know that I was thinking about becoming a Democrat and the plaid messenger bag was foreshadowing to my dreams of becoming an elitist East Coast academic. 

I also wanted all the boyZ in my 3rd grade class to know that I was a lady and I was going to dress like one. The 13-inch inseam in my shorts was the perfect way to get that point across. I rarely advertise what isn't on the menu. 

The outfit was completed by matching my brown socks perfectly to my brown bow. 

I was going into the school year with a broken arm, but my still tan skin was there to let everyone know that I still swim with a broken arm, so "BACK THE F UP, 3rd GRADE."

My brosef is pictured in what would become his uniform for life: a polo shirt and khaki shorts. He opted not to smile because he was a 6th grade boy. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

the olympics: commentating.

We're going to pretend like NBC isn't running most major events on tape delay for a few moments and dive (pun intended) right into the second biggest headache of the games of 30th Olympiad: the commentators.


Matt Lauer got us started off right during the Opening Ceremony when he said these two things:

"The queen, everyone knows she's got a wicked sense of humor."

"I don't know if that's cute or creepy."


Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines,
making Olympic swimming almost unbearable.

What's with these guys? They stand unbelievably close together and offer almost no insight into the majority of what we see on our television screens. The only thing Rowdy ever talks about is underwater turns and strong finishes. I wish he would go under the water and stay there.

At one point, Rowdy told me to "watch the clock" during a race. Instead of the race? Or at the same time? Or what? Was the clock going to swim?

I was never a gymnast on any level. Like, I can't even do a forward roll. And I've tried. However, I had enough friends compete to know what's going on.

The things that these people do with their bodies needs no commentary. The fact that they are flying through the air and twisting 17-26 times while wearing bedazzled eye shadow and enough hair clips to withstand Katrina speaks for itself. Just shut up and we'll watch.

But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They have to say audacious things like, "She's better than she deserves to be." I'm sorry?! How hard has this kid worked? I mean, I was a mediocre high school athlete and I worked hard to be mediocre. My parents watched thousands of dollars flow out of their bank account to support my mediocrity. And this gUrl, who is clearly more talented and more hard-working than I, is being told she doesn't deserve it? Absurd.

I just need someone to explain the damn scoring system to me at the beginning and then shut the hell up.

At one point, the commentator told me that, Khatuna Lorig, competing in her 5th Olympics, never really felt comfortable with her sport until she trained the actors in "The Hunger Games" to shoot a bow and arrow.

That has to be a joke, right? If she was so ashamed, why wouldn't she just quit? I'm sure Katniss just really changed her life.

"Can we like Lebron James now?"
Yeah, don't get me started.

This is the event that really just sent me over my limit. Granted, I know nothing about horses, equestrians, dressage, saddles, spurs or hay-- but, these people still took it to another level of absurdity.

We aren't going to discuss this, but Adele was playing in the background of one of the rides. ADELE. Can you imagine any other sport blaring Adele while the event is happening? OH. Michael Buble just came on. This can't be real. If you can dance your first dance at a wedding to the same song you can be an Olympian to, I'm out. OUT.

Also, at no point did these people ever explain anything to me. THIS IS AMERICAN TV. Do you think we have any clue what is happening? Have you ever seen an equestrian rider on a Subway commercial? No. That's why we need some help. Just tell us what is happening.

Who's the athlete? The horse or the rider? Who gets the medal? Do they make horse medals?

"I wish he would tuck that tie in, it's so unprofessional. You'd never see an American looking like that."
Let's note that this man was commandeering a huge ass animal over obstacles when his tie slipped out of his jacket. What's more important-- his safety, the horse's safety OR his tie? Well, if you said safety, you're wrong. According to this lady his tie was most important.

Also, the Americans finished dead last in this particular competition, so who gives a rat's ass about what they look like. They probably look like losers with their ties all tucked in and a bunch of sorry scores on the scoreboard next to their names.

"French horses are so much lighter." 
Great! Horses everywhere are going to be watching their weight now just to live up to the lighter French horses. Horse anorexia: look for it to be a big issue come the 2016 election.

"That's a rail."
This was said AS THE HORSE KNOCKED A RAIL OVER. Clearly, this lady thought a blind person was watching and could only hear that a rail was knocked over, so she needed to explain it.

"She has a sister named Linda."
With a back story like that, who wouldn't want to know more? Really? Either tell me that Linda is a paraplegic because she fell off a horse and now the sister rides for both of them OR leave Linda out of it.

"That was such a beautiful end to a beautiful ride, the picture would've been even prettier if she had tied her hair back."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I get it. This is a sport where people are wearing tuxedos and top hats. You need to look your best, BUT...they are on a damn horse. You could die while doing this or at least break your neck. Are we really concerned about hair?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

bachelor pad: epi 2.

I know I didn't blog about last week's epi, but I'm glad I don't have a slutty twin sister.

I'm going to attempt to recap this reality television disaster, but with so much happening at the exact same time that nothing is happening I can't guarantee much.

Also, this is a family-friendly blog. This show is not something you should ever mention watching to your family.


We open up with Erica's celebration.
I would celebrate more if she wasn't wearing that dress. I think, technically, it's lingerie.
I think.

Rachel takes it to the street with the twins later. Then, I don't know what happened. They were just arguing and crying. Arguing and crying. Crying and arguing.

"You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried." -- Twin1

Then, they made up.


Chrissy Poo is rockin' a wrinkled shirt and some sexy cargo pants.
If by 'sexy' you mean gross linen cargo pants.


In Bachelor Pad's ode to the Olympics, we're doing some rhythmic gymnastics. You have to believe that the actual gymnastic gUrls wish they were in London at the Olympics and well, they aren't. You have to imagine that their parents are just sad. SAD. All that money and time DOWN THE DRAIN. And now here they are on national television "coaching" these always half-a-step away from being drunk people.

The Padders are split into boy and gUrl groups. It's a shit show. I can't think of any other way to describe it. JUST SAD.

Erica Rose, of course, is the worst gUrl in the group. I think she's sedated. Has to be. Right?

Donna, the fan, is just "killing" it.
But, that's according to Donna.


Uh-oh! Leotards!
Or just TARDS.


They put the gUrls in the same outfit as the boyz.

When is she actually going to be a dentist? GO BE A DENTIST.

The other judge is supposedly a gymnastic medalist from the US, but she looks like a Pussycat Doll. I honestly don't know if I could choose between being a Pussycat Doll and an Olympic medalist. JOKE. I'd be a medalist.

The gUrls perform and it's pretty bad.
Bad and sad.


Next up, the boyZ.
Supposedly, the boyZ were better than the gUrls, but I was checking Twitter for Olympic updates, so I don't know if that's really true or not.

WORST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: Erica Rose : (


I'm watching this and I'm like, "THIS IS YOUR REAL LIFE."


Michael isn't thinking strategy at all. He is looking for a love connection.
And. Does this mean he's on the show for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?

Erica Rose cannot handle that Donna is going on the date instead of her.
Donna is wearing a crocheted, bare mid-riff top. It's cute, if you live in a trailer park and you aren't planning on being cold throughout the evening.

Donna is workin' it.
If you like Creed cover bands. Oh, that's not a Creed cover band?
There was also a 70-year-old man in the crowd.

Again: if you, as a band, end up on this show is it the highest or lowest point of your career? I say lowest. But, I'm not a band.


Rachel says he's a phenomenal kisser.
He's not a phenomenal dresser.


Somewhere else there's a burrday party going on for some gUrl. This boy throwing it is someone I have never seen on my television before. There's a lot of drama happening.

At one point this gUrl says, "I'm someone he can take home to his family." About this time, she points to herself and she's wearing lacy, fingerless gloves. Talk about irony.


We get back to the group date and they are drinking, what seems to be straight whiskey.

Michael pulls Donna aside and she's brought her 8th grade notebook. She creepily drew a sketch of Michael years ago and is now showing it to him. In return, Michael makes out with her, to "fulfill a fantasy." OY VEY.


Chris, wearing his token hoodie, is workin' that back and playing some GAME. He's kissing gUrls and then crawling into bed with other gUrls.

It seems like these people wear their swimsuits all day long and I just have to note: that's pretty unsanitary and can cause some pretty disastrous things. Also note: not speaking from a personal experience, but 9th grade health class.




So, I've figured out that Chris is partners with Blakeley, but he's making out with Jamie and saying he wants to be partners with her. They are BOTH wearing hoodies now. Now, they aren't wearing hoodies, but they are in the same bed. I CANNOT KEEP UP.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!! Jamie just walked up to her bunk, but she found the hoodie-less couple smooching. ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OF HER BED, NO LESS. These people have no regard for others. Lots of tears.


Blakeley has to decide who to take on her date. She picks Chris, Ed and David. David starts crying when he's chosen. WEIRD.

The date consists of some Soapbox Derby racing. YAWN.

I mean, really Soapbox Derby? This is your marketing technique?


There's a lot of spray paint and a lot of plotting by the pool.
These people must not have actual lives. I cannot imagine leaving my life and my job to go on this show. After taxes and splitting $250,000, that's not much money.

Ed wins the derby and he drinks out of the trophy.

It's after-date cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of "strategy" talk.  And lots of sad, sad behavior from these adults.

David opens up to Blakeley.
Chris opens up to Ed in the pool.

"I'd be sitting in an 8x8 storage room with you and could be happy." -- Chris to Blakeley
My main question would be: why are you in an 8x8 storage room?

David's strategy doesn't work. Chris gets the rose. NO ONE CARES.


All the BP'ers are at the pool and hooking up.
Literally, everyone is hooking up but Sarah.
She remedies that and takes Ed upstairs.
Dads everywhere cried. Like, real tears.

We hear from the Twins for the first time in a while. They both are having a mental breakdown.
It's honestly entertaining to hear the other BP'ers talk about them.

There's just a lot of crying.
Like, a lot of crying.

Eventually, they get in a van and leave.


ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No gUrls have to leave.

At this point, I have no idea what is happening. People are voting, people are crying, people are plotting against one another. I figured out that one gUrl is strategizing to get her own partner voted off. Like, THE OLYMPICS ARE ON.


Chris calls, "final rose tonight."


What. a. disaster.

"I'm leaving with nothing." -- Ryan
No, son. You're leaving with some pride. Get the hell out of there. 


We have to do this again next week?
Kill me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : final epi.

Well, gang. It's 'F' for the win. I'm in Napa Valley on vacay and didn't see the epi. No blog from me today. I'll try to get one up in the near future. Peace and blessin'.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : men tell all.

The people who created this show are absolute geniuses. The premise isn't that all that cerebral or anything, but the fact that they can continue to draw people into this false reality is astonishing. I'm definitely a victim. The worst part is that they convince us to watch this episode and lead us to believe we'll learn some juicy details about the season. In reality, we got about 19 minutes of interview time with Mama Bear and some of the boyZ. Such a load of shit.

During Emily's first one-on-one with Chrissy Poo, while discussing some of the most "unforgettable" moments, Mama Bear says dating with a daughter is HARD. She says this whole experience didn't affect Ricki at all. At all? Really? JOKE.

She then says that interrupting gUrl talk is the golden rule. I guess she means the golden rule is that you don't interrupt gUrl talk?

The sexual tension and chemistry between Chrissy Poo and Mama Bear is insane. He's so protective of her. And Baby Boy really dislikes Ryan.

"I know what it's like to be judged unfairly." -- Emily
I wish you would tell me more about that. 

Emily saying, "Get the F out," was one of Chrissy Poo's all-time favorite moments ever.


BACH PAD PREVIEW: Whoa, Chris. You should probably get tested soon! Guess we finally have the answer to the age old question, "What becomes of the broken-hearted?" They go on another show and get. it. on.

Now, we're watching some of the "drama."

Kalon takes the hot seat and before they can get into anything we have to "take a look back."
This show, like every other epi, is just one huge, long recap of previous shows.
If I wanted to set myself on fire five episodes ago, what do I want to do now? What's worse than setting yourself on fire? I need to know.

OMIGAH. More baggage talk.

"I didn't know for a fact that I absolutely didn't want a step-child." -- Kalon
I can honestly say that today, I don't want one. What does that mean?

Remember how everyone hated CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle), but turns out she was just funny? Is that what's happening here?

"I guess my humor is wasted on a lot of people." -- Kalon
Speaking straight to my damn heart. 

That guy who looks like a lion (an ugly lion) says Kalon was just there for the glitz and the glamour. We must've be watching different shows, Mustafa. What glitz? What glamour?

Now, we have to watch Ryan's clips. I don't know if I completely disagree with Ryan or am totally on-board with him. But, then, I'm like, "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" Oh yeah, not me.

Then, Chris tries to confront Ryan and well, it goes real poorly for Chris. Ryan puts him in his place at least half-a-dozen times and someone sitting behind Chris fist pumps non-stop throughout the confrontation. What was that? He'd fist pump for both of them, so what side is the fist pumper on?

Ryan is very-well groomed, right? And so tan. Too tan. He looks like a Disney prince. But, not in the good way. He isn't ugly, but he's something. I just don't know anything anymore.

Ryan told Chris he never considered him a front-runner.
Chrissy Poo tells us Ryan won't be the next Bachelor.


Oh, yay!
It's time for Chris's one-on-one with Chrissy Poo.
Will there be tears?

I'm still crying over that tie he wore on his last night.

Chris has a strong mustache going.
Weak beard though.

"I loved that gUrl 110 percent." -- Chris
He got that one from his junior high basketball coach. 

"We're here today, we could be gone tomorrow." -- Chris
I wish that were actually true with this show. 

Chris believes that falling in love is so special and that it can happen.
This guy is so going to murder the next person who doesn't love him back.
Mark it down.

Now it's time for Sean. He still has very strong feelings for her. AWKWARD.

I mean, one week you're a single insurance agent in Dallas and 6 weeks later you have a six-year-old?
That sounds terrifying.

Sean has never really had a broken heart.

Sean is hopeful for the future.

Mama Bear's turn in the hot seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is wearing the tightest dress any mother has ever adorned.

Sean wants to thank Emily for opening up his eyes.
Oh, Chris wants to say THE EXACT SAME THING.

Emily confronts Kalon and she clearly hired a writer to help her deliver those lines. Kalon says, "Thanks for following me on Twitter."

This is all too much.
I hate myself so hard.

Of course it's a rented helicopter!
Who owns a helicopter?

BLOOPER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I laughed once.

Ok, I turned it off.
We learned nothing.

However, I know a lot of homeless guys who date Emily. Probably.

They didn't even talk to that one guy with the language barrier issue. That's who I wanted to hear from.
Oh, ABC, I'm such a pawn in your game.


There it is.


Will Chris Harrison announce that he's dating Emily next week?
Here's hoping.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 9.

"It's all tonight on the Bachelorette. "
I should've stopped before I started.

American Airlines flew these idiots down to Curacao and the opening background music had me believing I had accidently turned on the 5th, and likely, shittiest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Emily takes a walk on the beach and sits on a rock. While sitting on this rock she reflects back on the last 6 weeks. That lasted 9 minutes. For real. In real life she had to have been on that rock for longer than 9 minutes. Baby gUrl's butt had to be hurtin'.

After she got off the rock she drew her name in the sand.

"Emily + ?"
Right now I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?"


It's time for Emily's date with Sean.
I'm a little disturbed by his outfit.
I own that shirt.
And shorts that look pretty identical to those shorts.
I bought mine on sale at the Gap in March. In the LADIES section.
I also own several pairs of Toms.

One time I was driving through downtown Dallas and I kid you not, there was a homeless man wearing the exact outfit I had on. Surprisingly, watching Sean prance around in clothes I own is way worse. WAY WORSE.

Emily has on a shirt she originally bought for Ricki. But, Ricki said she wouldn't wear it because it's so ugly. She also said, "Mom, this shit is see-through, I can't wear it!"

What is this miraculous specimen of aviation?

I'm telling you, these people are just full of surprises.

And what's that? A private island? All for them?
Again, I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?

Sean tells a story about how he never wanted to hold some gUrl's hand. He made it sound so bad and terrible, but really-- he dated a gUrl in high school and they didn't get married. Guess what? I didn't marry my high school boyfriend either.

How do these people hang out on the beach without sunglasses?

"I'm crazy about you." -- Sean
"Thank you." -- Emily

Sean, ever the keen eye, spotted the snorkel stuff "over there."
So, he had on those shorts under his other shorts? Two pairs of long shorts?

It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is wearing a shirt that I swear on my life I own in a different color. Again, it's from the Gap. 

Emily has a romantic dinner planned on the beach. 

Again, Emily tells Sean she thinks he's perfect. He never really denies this claim, he just always smiles. I do like the way he maintains eye contact, but holy crap, NOT PERFECT. 

SeanBoy wrote Ricki a letter. 
Is that his handwriting?
Reminds me of a middle school gUrl's handwriting. 

The letter was sweet. 
But, I'm not 100 percent positive that Ricki can actually read, so it's a wash. 

Sean can't picture his life without Emily, but he never said if he would propose or not. I mean, not directly. Watching them kiss is enough to make me want to drink bleach. 

Fantasy suite card time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, they are just going to stay up chatting all night?
I bet there will be puppy chow and all lots of hair braiding tools, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOT TUB SEXY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sean is like, so hot." -- Emily
Literally or figuratively? 
You are in a hot tub. I just want to be on the same page as you, gUrl.

Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite.
If it's past 4am it counts as shacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rules are rules.


It's time for Jef (EXACTLY THE SAME NAME AS 'JEFF') to meet up with Mama Bear Emily. He's nervous about the day, but that's because hipsters don't do summer or water activities.

"Look at where we are. We are in the middle of the ocean." -- Jef
You can find it on the map next to OLDEN DAYS. 

They discuss their time together at the family ranch and Jef (English for 'Jeff') tells Em that his parents decided they want to meet her. Oh, thank goodness!

Ok, any dude who changes his name from JEFF to JEF and has parents that are smart enough and classy enough and have enough pride to not be seen on this show, just isn't cut out for this. He's too deep. Too sincere. I don't even think he's in this to promote his water company. Meaning, HE'S HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

I just don't see these two together. I mean, can you imagine him hanging out at a NASCAR event? Absolutely not. He will not like the South. At all. I bet he has friends that aren't white. He's going to be so confused.

One plus? I bet they can share jeans.
And maybe hair products.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jef (old English for 'Jeff') has some questions for Em, you know, just needs to cover some of the details. They discuss moving and getting a fresh start.

"Next question, you're an amazing gUrl." -- Jef
Not a question. 

Basically, he asks Emily why she's still single. Are you kidding me?
Remember her Baby Daddy died? And remember Brad proposed and then they broke up?
That's why she's single. Read the internetS, Jef!

Jef (sounds like 'GeoF') is single because he hasn't been able to see the end goal with anyone, but he can see that with Emily. Is he training for a marathon or dating?

Emily wonders how Ricki would "fit in here." At this point, I'd say awkwardly. Can you imagine a six-year-old hanging out on this date and seeing Mama Bear read a note inviting a man back to her suite for the night?

Oh, you mean fit into the big picture.
My B.

Jef turns down the fantasy suite card for Ricki and his family.
Em is thankful.
I dig it.

But, wait! Twist! They are going to hang out!
People, you can do stuff without spending the night.
Just saying.


And here's Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrie!
I wonder where Cassie the Producer is hanging out.

He has on the same swim trunks as Sean.
So, these dudes all wear v-necks and now they share bathing suits?

"One thing you can do that's cool is go swimming with dolphins, in the ocean." -- Emily
Sounds like the best place to do it. IN THE OCEAN. 

"I know nothing about dolphins." -- Arie
Good. That means you aren't a 6th grade gUrl. 

"Dolphins are not that scary." --Emily
Not that scary? What?
So, they are a little bit scary?

Arie says all they want to do when they are together is kiss. That's great and all, but very teenager-ish.

Emily then shares her feelings about kissing Arie. She LOVES kissing Arie.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You're doing good in those heels." -- Arie
Oh, is she? She saving babies and building houses or something?
Oh, you actually mean, she's walking well in them through the sand. 
Oh. Well, you should've said that. 

"I don't know what you do on like, a Tuesday morning." -- Emily

Emily tells Arie he has to get up before 9am, but he isn't scared.

Arie, like everyone else, wants to know what happens after this.

They have not even touched whatever that monstrosity is on their plates.
Could be a salad, could be a fish. Might be a crackhead, got a hold of the wrong stuff.

They discuss loving Ricki and Arie just wants to be Ricki's friend. He sounds like he's breaking up with Ricki. But, Emily digs it.

He's kind of saying all of the right things and not in the wrong way.

Emily is having an inner-struggle. She's a role model and cannot give him the fantasy suite card. At all. She doesn't trust herself with inviting him in. I dig that. Way to go, gUrl!

"There are three guys here and I can only pick one and that means my relationships with the others will be over." -- Emily
That's just for those of you keeping score at home on how this all works. 


Oh, good! Emily packed that horse ponytail for this trip!
There's a bald horse running around North Carolina somewhere.


It's time for her counseling session with Chrissy Poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One time I heard someone say that when you look in the mirror before you leave the house you should probably take one thing off. Emily has never heard this advice.

I do not even know how she came up with the outfit she's wearing. A Hanes wife-beater, a long sequined skirt, fake pearls and then, well I don't know what that other necklace is supposed to be. And of course, the horse ponytail. She's trying to be casual, but fashionable. It didn't work. It looks like her house flooded and she could only grab a few items and this is what she ended up with. I do like her eye make-up though!

My favorite time of the season!
Pre-filmed videos of the boyZ bearing their hearts and souls!!!!!!!!!!
Totally normal thing to do in a relationship-- just make a video, share your feelings and boom.

Sean starts off by yelling, "EMILY!" as if she thought the video might be for someone else.

Jef tells Emily that he'll always defend her and protect her. It's his way of saying, "I GOT YOUR BACK." He's in. That's all she wants in a man.

Arie says his heart is always racing towards her. No clue what that means. Like, no clue.


ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby gUrl is strugglin'. Damn. She don't want to teach no lessons to anybody.

Arie and Chrissy Poo are dressed alike.

Emily knows none of the dudes think they are going home. She's about to SHOCK THE WORLD.

So many tears. So many.
Get it together, gUrl. Come on.

After staring at the three photos, for what seemed like forever, she makes her move out to the boyZ.

She can't believe she made it to this point.
I have to agree. How did I make it this far, gUrl?

She cares and she's sorry.

Boom! Jef.

Boom! Arie.

: ( Sean.

Sean is shocked. Just shocked.

They walk out, hand-in-hand, and we get a full length shot of her skirt. I think it's actually curtains. So, she really may have lost everything in a flood and decided to save curtains instead of clothes.

"I feel kind of stupid." -- Sean
Because you didn't understand the rules?

Barbie Mom starts crying. She wanted it to be him so bad. So, so bad.
Dogs are barking in the background and it's finally time for his long car ride home.

Sean says he knew without a doubt that he was going to marry her.
Clearly, I'm questioning his discernment at this point.
Definitely not his spiritual gift.

Emily takes some time for herself and sits on a bench.
She looks up to the stars and cries.

Sean feels like his life was stolen from him and there's nothing he can do about it.
I mean, file a police report, son.

Emily's still on the bench crying and Sean hasn't cried on camera yet. Big ups to him on that one.


And there you have it.
Only two men remain.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily : epi 8.

Praise the Lord! Barbie Mom Emily has finally returned from her "old world" travels. That flight home from 1689 must have felt like an eternity.

She returned home in the dead of night wearing an over-sized skull shirt. The shirt was over-sized and so was the skull. Both were over-sized. I cannot emphasize this enough. Such a big skull.

She was greeted at the door by her Sweet Ricki and a "Welcome Home" sign that totally looked like it was made by a six-year-old.

Then, she recapped the most tumultuous 4 weeks of her life-- the last 4.

In the middle of the recap her hair came down, the sign came down and the clock struck 9:32, indicating bedtime for Sweet Ricki.


We head to Chicago where we meet up with young Chris, who is wearing an updated Members Only jacket. The second these two are on the screen together you can tell it's over. OVER.

Chris tells Emily to expect a theme.
The themes I picked up on: Chicago, Polish-ness

Chris explains to us and Emily that his family is Polish. You can see the wheels spinning in Emily's head, What does this mean? Did I go to Poland? Is that in the old world? 

Chris takes Emily to enjoy a Polish brew in the middle of the blustery Chicago day and they've got the joint to themselves. This was this restaurant's moment to shine and they decided to introduce themselves to the world by going with about 12 different fake plants and leaves and some maroon curtains. And a shit ton of wood paneling. At this point I picked up on another theme: BASEMENT.

We finally head over to Lil' Poland to meet the fam.

The second the door opens I pick up on another theme: Chris might be attracted to his sister, as Emily looks identical to one of them.

They immediately sit down to dinner.

WHITE WINE in the middle of winter? These are my type of people. I wonder if it was Polish wine? I'll have to google Polish wines later.

"So, you're his dad." -- Emily, to Chris's dad

Dad tells Em that if she's looking for love and support Chris is it. If she's looking for something else, HIT THE ROAD.

"I was a hot mess, Ma." -- Chris
I hate that he was saying that in past tense. Baby boy is still a hot mess. 

Look-alike Sister asks Emily what it is about Chris that she loves. Her answer is vague and Emily's upset that someday her brother might get his heart broken. She didn't even talk about Chris. She talked about her brother. Red flag.

Oh, Chris. This is not going to end well.

Chris calls himself crazy AND tells Emily he IS in love. Not just falling in love.

Does he love her like I love pizza or like how John and Abigail Adams loved each other?
Serious question.

Then, Chris surprises Emily with a Polka band and some dancing.


Let's rewind for just a quick second. In the opener, Emily said she wanted a guy with some edge.
Baby gUrl, Jef (which is pronounced exactly like 'JEFF') isn't edgy, he just has a shitty (see: weird) haircut.

Jef (presumably short for 'Jeff') introduces her to his ranch, Homestead Ranch (never saw a home).
They shoot some skeet and baby boy isn't a terrible shot. Who knew?

Emily isn't terrible either.
She takes gun lessons at home.

Quick question: What the hell is a 'gun lesson'?
I don't think that's a thing.

Jef (Polish for 'JEFF') breaks down the family situation to Emily and he nervously plays with her dress the whole time they are sitting under that fancy TJ Maxx umbrella on some hay bales.

Jef throws her to the wolves (Not John's family! He got kicked off.) quickly.
There's a lot of denim and a lot of death stares. Oh, and a lot of kids.

Nothing says let's have a fun time like a tall glass of lemonade and what looks to be at least 48 hot dog buns.

Jef's brother, Steve (presumably short for 'Steven'), pulls Emily aside to ask the tough questions. Steve isn't wearing a wedding ring, but he's married. This leads me to believe that he's part of a cult and he has more than one wife. Maybe I've been watching "Sister Wives" on TLC too much?

"You have to have the fundamentals." -- Steve, to Emily
Is he drafting a basketball team or looking for a sister-in-law?
Maybe he's looking for a new wife and means FUNDAMENTALIST?

The sisters pull Emily aside and the tough questions continue.

"A dad, a step-dad, whatever." -- Emily
No, no. Not whatever.

Emily tells the sisters that she's falling in love, but she's slow to throw that word out.

"I'm a mom, too." -- Emily

Jef takes Emily to an overlook and he shares some notes her wrote on the way home from the Old World.

"I love how good of a person you are." -- Jef
There has to be a better way to say that. 

"I love how funny we are together." -- Jef
I've never laughed less. 

And then they made out while laying on a blanket.

This old dog needs to learn some new tricks.


We're headed to the race track to hang out with Awesome Arie.

Emily is wearing what looks to be semi-formal attire.

ABC is always stirring up some fake drama, so I was really expecting them to lay it on thick with this whole race car thing. WRONG. All we get is, "That's so different than NASCAR."

Arie whisks Emily away from the race track to a field surrounded by some apartments. He puts a blanket down for them to sit on and it's at this point, he just. starts. talking.

Arie's parents are so European. They have different values. They are open-minded. No, they aren't open-minded. They say what's on their minds. He's so nervous.

I am so confused.
At this point, I'm expecting Russians dictators or like, Nazis or something.
He did a terrible job of prepping her to meet these people.

It's finally time.

"I've been looking forward to meeting y'all for a while now. Arie says such great things." -- Emily
LIES. You lie! He said weird things! And confusing things!

"Oh yeah, Charlotte, we raced there in the '90s." -- Arie's Dad
OY VEY. The Charlotte tourism people have to be dying. 

"Not very sexy." -- Arie's Dad, again
And there it is. 
Charlotte's new slogan. 

CHARLOTTE: Not very sexy. 

Then, they started speaking Dutch and like, COME ON, son! Don't play this game. Dutch?! It's not even Spanish. Who can pick up on Dutch? Baby gUrl needs to put this on her list: must learn Dutch. NEXT. 

Arie's mom, dressed like a sexy European, pulls Emily aside. She's very confused. She saw Brad propose and now Emily is sitting here in her sexy European bedroom! How did this all happen? It's all a big surprise!

Arie Senior likes her Southern accent.

Everyone approves.


On to the next one!

We head to Dallas (D-Town Dougie).

Right off the bat: WRONG. Cows?! Really? Where did they go to find those damn things? OY VEY.

Sean's hanging out with his dogs at the lake. The lake that also serves as a water treatment facility. You don't want to fall in that thing.

Sean has his dogs with him on leashes and the second Emily gets out of the car he drops the leashes as if he's showing off. It was very odd. Also, his dogs have very, very people-ish names. Like, as in, names that I know people have recently named their babies.

So, Sean has prepared a picnic. He makes her sit in the middle of a field that hasn't been mowed. Listen up, I've been on like, two dates to White Rock Lake (LOOK OUT) and there are other places to sit. Places that won't make you itch. This is just terrible. I hope Baby gUrl doesn't suffer from allergies.

Sean launches into some weirdo story about how great he is with women.

"I will never ever allow a gUrl give herself to me if I can't reciprocate." -- Sean
SAY WHAT. I for real need to know if he means that literally. Like, for real. 

"He really is so perfect." -- Emily
FALSE. He lives in Dallas. 

He keeps calling his life "simple." That stresses me out. Has he never sat in traffic?  I know that guy probably only buys organic. I've never been to Whole Foods and thought, This is so simple. No, it's hard!

He just left that damn blanket in the middle of the field. And why did he bring a football? Baby gUrl ain't about to toss around the pigskin anytime in this century. PUH-LEASE. 

Sean takes us to his childhood home.
It's not even in Dallas County.

You gotta take a nap after saying that name.

If she says "perfect" one more time I'm going to set myself on fire.

Sean plays a joke on her. Oh, just dying here. He tells her he lives at home and takes her to a messy room.

"He's a mess and he's really into stuffed animals." -- Emily
Real LOL. 

Oh, he's joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are so lighthearted!

Sean sits down with his perfect dad. Are these two really related? I see ZERO similarities.

Sean talks about this relationship he has with his dad and blahblahblah, but then Dad comes in and is all like, "He's never shared anything with me before!" So confused.

Dad's heart might explode.
His heart might explode at the same time that my head explodes.

Do they really drink dark beer?
What was that?

Sean says bye to Emily.
Of course, he says bye with some real TONGUE-Y kisses.
This kid needs help.
So. much. tongue.

I should not be able to see your tongue when kissing.

But, wait! He needs more.
He takes off in the most leisurely jog ever, yelling at what was NOT the top of his lungs and goes to get another kiss.

The way he strolls back to his house made me want to move to Colleyville/DIE. It was terrible. He thinks he's hot shit. I mean, I know everyone is saying he's so great and loves the Lord and blahblahblah, but I haven't heard him mention that yet. Like, not once. He just struts around in his tight shirts and lame jeans.


RECAP TIME WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is even the point?


I think Chris's tie was leftover from a wedding he was in once.
No one would ever actually buy a tie that color unless he was trying to match a bridesmaid's dress.

"Do you have an explanation?"
"I don't have an explanation."
"But, it was me?"
"No, it wasn't."
LIES, Emily. LIES.

"How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you!" -- Chris
Oh, shit. 

"Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and think, 'I made a mistake.'" -- Emily
Yeah right. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and move to Colleyville.

"I thought she loved me back. This sucks." -- Chris
Well. That sums it up, right?

Chris doesn't do himself any favors in the limo.
He's too emotional for this show. And that's saying something.
I think we'll see him in anger management soon.


We learn that the gang is headed to the Carribbean next week.
I hope they all drown there.


Do I have to address the armadillo joke?
Don't make me.

Monday, July 2, 2012

boys of summer: part 3.

For the next leg of the trip the band of merry rebels headed over to Royal Gorge, Colorado for some whitewater rafting.

GW obviously rode the bull. Madison sat this one because he was too short.

It should be noted that the men kept referring to the gorge as the "Executive" Gorge rather than "Royal." Talk about crazy!

Friday, June 29, 2012

boys of summer: part 2.

Ever the adventurers, the gang of Patriots headed south down the Pacific Coast to meet up with Abigail's better-half, John. Not a group to just stop and sight-see they took off for a walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. GW noted he likes a certain bridge in NYC better.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

boys of summer.

Every year, around this time, the original boys of summer, G-Dub, Teej and Jimmy Mad, take a road trip across this nation they played a part in birthing.

This year they started at the Oregon coast in a Dodge minivan. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the bachelorette :: emily :: epi 7.

We meet up with Emily in Prague. She comes strolling into the camera shot with her same sad carry-on BAGGAGE from TJ Maxx.

"I feel like I'm back in the olden days." --Emily
What days are those? That's not actually a specific period of time, gUrl. 

She overlooks every postcard shot of Prague available to film while we wait on the boyZ to arrive. Like a sad ass boy band they all walk up together to meet Chrissy Poo, stride by stride, to get the rules. AGAIN.  Chrissy Poo calls this week, "the biggest week." I just can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore-- every week is dramatic, every week is BIG. What about the proposal? What week will that be? The second biggest week?

Arie gets the one-on-one date with Mama Bear and they are going to "Czech out Prague." I actually have a shirt that says that exact same thing. (SHOUT OUT: ANNA BRAWNER)

Arie says he's in love with Emily even though it's only been a few dates. This is believable because I'm starting to believe that Arie isn't actually 30 years of age. Have you seen his pimples? All of that to say, people with pimples (you know, teenagers) fall in love after only two dates.

Mama Bear picks up Arie and she's armed with just a book labeled, "Prague," yet she calls herself a tour guide.

"Isn't it wild to stand here and look at that and think about how many people have stood here and looked at that exact same spot." --Emily, while sightseeing
This. This is what she thinks about while in Prague!

"Today is the best day I could ask for." --Arie
He clearly didn't ask with my feelings in mind. 
I've had a better day when a homeless man had on the same outfit as me. 

At this point we're let in to the "drama" involving Arie and the producer, Cassie. We are led to believe that Arie and Cassie were caught up in the biggest love story this side of William and Kate. In reality, they went to the mall together once at 16 and maybe got a little handsy.

We learn all of this through an interview conducted by Cassie, the producer. Then, Emily decides to start playing games. She's always playing games with this dude. She tries and tries to get him to admit that he had a foray to the arcade with Cassie, the producer, but instead just talks about a tattoo he got and then had covered up.

Emily cannot understand while Arie would rub that loyalty dog TWICE if he wasn't willing to admit that he knew Cassie, the producer, and picked her up once in his Honda Del Sol and took her to a park where they drank wine coolers and talked about geometry. BECAUSE IT WAS THAT LONG AGO.

Here's my take on it: Arie didn't mention it because Arie didn't even remember dating Cassie. Or maybe: HE WAS 16 AND IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL. Or even: he doesn't give a flying shit about her or the moment they shared together at a Sonic Drive-In once.

Baby gUrl, Emily, has some issues and she needs to quit playing games.

After all of that bullshit we learn that Arie, Cassie and Mama Bear had a talk OFF-CAMERA about the relationship and everything is SO GREAT now.

Dear ABC, if this is the drama you're conjuring up, TRY HARDER.


It's time to learn who is getting the next date.

Every single boy at the hotel is wearing a v-neck t-shirt. Some of them (mainly Doug) look like they have really tiny heads in comparison to their arms.


We learn that Wolf (the person, not the animal) gets the one-on-one date.

Chris is livid.


"Croatia did it for me." --Arie
His lead in to, "I love you."

After that debacle with Cassie I think it's in Arie's best interest to get the hell out of Prague (Dodge). Baby gUrl has some issues.

"I have a surprise for you." --Emily
It's fireworks. The only thing less surprising would've been a helicopter. 

She also got that one dude fireworks before she dumped him. FIREWORKS MEAN NOTHING TO HER. She should've gotten him a puppy or an autographed football or something.


It's time for Wolf's date with Mama Bear. Wolf looks like he's dressed to go to work. His sweater is basically the same color as his pants and I don't think it was on purpose.

"During communism music was censored here." --Emily

Emily and Wolf try to put a lock on the lover's fence or something. Emily says that the locks represent "eternal love." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Jesus Christ represents eternal love. Those locks are just as sad as those fireworks from the night before.

"How beautiful is that church?" --Wolf
"Right?" --Emily
So deep. 

They head to dinner in a dungeon. All I can think about is the assistant that had to carry that couch down those dungeons stairs. I mean, I guess whoever it was got to go to Prague, but not worth it.

Wolf tells a story about his ex-girlfriend cheating on him. Turns out, it was CASSIE. Just kidding. It wasn't.

Wolf is ready to "put it all out there." He's does a pretty shitty job. I mean, he showed her some funeral cards and told a story about an ex-girlfriend. No one is going to accuse this guy of being an over-sharer anytime soon. Or ever.

"My parents are pretty cool." --Wolf


Wolf gets back from the date about the same time the group date card gets dropped off. Chris FUH-REAKS out about this and over Wolf's retelling of the date.

Sean does not freak out.
WRONG. He does.

He takes off out of the hotel and heads into the deep dark night of Prague. He literally walks around yelling, "Emily!" The music in the background leads me to believe communism is still happening in Prague and all they had was some horror music to play. People, this isn't scary, it's weird and sad.

I refuse to believe that people didn't tell Sean where Emily was headed. He found her on his ninth round of, "EMILY????!!!!!"

He takes her to someone's house. Or maybe it was a bar and they kiss. And it. was. nasty. Like, you could see tongue.

I don't want to dive into their make out style too terribly much, but: it doesn't look that entertaining. And how many walls do you have to get thrown against before you're kind of slutty? I think it only takes one.  Mama Bear is now at two walls. Point of interest: Emily has a child that, presumably, can read and also has eyes to see her mother get pinned up against walls by two different fathers-to-be. But, I mean, I don't date a ton. I don't know that much.


It's time for the group date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"My son would be in 7th heaven!" --Doug
Weird. I mean... right?

Emily pulls Daddy Doug aside and we can tell right off the bat that Daddy is on the hot seat.

"Is he really into castles?" --Emily, to Doug about his son
Valid question.

Emily and Doug sit in a corner of a tower and Doug is stupid. That's all I can gather from this conversation.

So, here we go: Emily leads Doug to the entrance (bad sign, dude, she didn't take you back to the other boyZ) and begins a speech. She basically tells him that his body language and his conversation skills are not where they should be. In the middle of this he finally decides to kiss her. Emily has basically no reaction to this, other than, "thank you for that."

Doug heads back to his castle-loving son.

While in the Euro van (like a mini van, but European) Doug starts to cry. And not just cry. Baby boy CRIES. I cry prettier than he cries. It was bad.

He said, "man" about 17 times. Which is about 42 times less than Arie said, "you know?" on his date.

We get back to Sean and Chris and Chris is not intimidated. Nothing really happens other than Sean gets the rose and Chris pouts.


Time for another one-on-one date!!!!!!!!!!!

"What's Ricki's favorite animal? Cats?" --Jef

The two lovebirds head into a shop straight from Pinocchio and buy some marionettes (puppets, for those of us in America). At first they just buy two, but then of course Jef (not to be confused with 'Jeff') goes to buy a Ricki puppet, too.

Because these two are so fun and silly they reenact their 2-week-old relationship for us with the puppets. Jef (English for 'Jeff') is pretty funny and says nice things, but... HE'S ON THIS SHOW.

They have a talk about the future and Jef feels terrific. He feels so terrific that he can't think of anything cooler to do than introduce her to his parents. Listen, I love my parents and I think it's important for my friends and future spouse to get to know them, but I can totally think of cooler things to do. Like, a lot of things.

Emily is floored at the thought of Jef (short for 'Jeff,' which is a variant of 'Jeffrey' or 'Jefferson') breaking up with a gUrl because his family didn't like the gUrl. Um, good for him! Of course Emily freaks out, she's the most insecure person to ever be pinned up against a wall and kissed by two different men ever.

Jef and Emily talk about the future and it's cutesy. Jef gives those old European walls a break and makes out with her on the floor.



HOLD UP! TWIST!!!!!!! Emily tells Chrissy Poo she's ready-- no cocktails. It's game time!!!!!!!!!!

Emily gets down to her final rose. It's between Wolf and Chris. Chris cannot handle the pressure and asks Emily to go have a talk with him.

"I acted like a boy yesterday." --Chris
Which is the exact opposite of how he is acting now: like a little gUrl. 

Chris is falling in love. Chris gets the rose.
Wolf is sent back to his lair where he'll do nothing buy destroy data and think about his grandfather's funeral for the rest of his life.

Wolf is shocked that he was sent packing. He's pretty convinced that he really opened up and shared himself with Emily. He's wrong. I think we all know more about Cassie, the producer, at this point. He told a story about dead grandparents and an ex-girlfriend. I could figure out that info by looking at someone's Facebook profile. Come on, Wolf. COME. ON.


Next week we head home!

Could this be the week a bachelor finally kills a bachelorette for love?
It's the only thing that keeps me tuning in, that's for damn sure.

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