Tuesday, September 28, 2010

the hard stuff.

Years ago I learned that living life in concordance with Jesus Christ does not necessarily mean you are going to live an easy life. He never promises that. At times I forget that because, in my head I'm like, I've got the CREATOR of the whole universe on my team, I mean, COME ON. And time and time again I'm reminded that no, he's never promised me an easy life.

I'm reminded of this mostly through the play of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Dear Razorbacks, thank you for keeping me humble and realistic. Thank you for reminding me of my Creator. Thank you for under-promising and at times, over-delivering. You have been a part of my life longer than I've actually been alive and I'm not going to forsake you now, but on behalf of a whole state, I'm begging you: choose one. Please, just suck really bad or be really awesome. But, quit being both. I love you forever.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

the past.

I see photos like this of my past and I'm reminded of Paul. "Paul?" you ask. Yes, Paul. Yes, that Paul. The apostle.

I'm sure when you, people of the internetS, look at this photo your thoughts are far, far from Paul and really, God in general. You may even think, "Would God really make a person look like that?"

This photo reminds me of Paul, because that man had a dirty, undesirable past, but was still responsible for writing the majority of the new testament and suffered immensely for the sake of the Gospel. Paul's past propelled him, it didn't prevent him. Paul's past is the ultimate example of God's grace and love for us. The Lord didn't look at Paul as anything but righteous.

I may see myself as a little gUrl, who often acts like an idiot and doesn't say what she means and doesn't mean what she says, with a mullet, but the Lord doesn't see me like that. He never has and He never will.

He has saved me and redeemed me.

The past is the past and mullets are mullets.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

bachelor pad: finale.

I'd like to apologize for the length of this post. I know most people need to take an adderall to read this much, but...sometimes you gotta buckle down and do work.

Ohhhhh myyyyyyy gosssssssh, ballroom dancing. Like, OMG.

I'm just trying to figure out why everyone is dressed like they are going to high school basketball practice. Seriously. Every one of those guys is dressed like a 16-year-old going to a shoot-around. Gross. Shirts come with sleeves for a reason.

The music during the limo rides to the dance studios made it seem like these people were either about to go into major surgery or a funeral. No, turns out they are just meeting choreographers! Which, of course, BSC Elizabeth warns Kovacs that if he pays attention to their hot teacher she'll get distracted and crazy. Newsflash: gUrl, you're on that damn train. Crazy train.

So, I was watching these people dance and I was fairly certain that they all have feet, but when they start dancing it's like they don't. I legitimately think a blind kangaroo could do better. But, who am I to judge? Oh, I am.

The whole time I was watching Natalie and Dave I kept thinking, I pray that her father is not watching this. Please, don't let her father be watching this. I mean, way to make people proud, "We're used to these positions, so I think this is going to work out well."

Somebody really needs to tell Elizabeth that she is not bartering peace between Palestine and Israel. This is a dancing competition. A dancing competition on a reality television program.

The judges were a bunch of idiots. They must have been told to go easy on them or something, because how in the world can you get 8 out of 10 if you don't even finish the dance? And how did Kippy-Skippy manage to get the only masculine costume?

I love that after it was over Dave was sitting around, still, in his little fairy costume and he and Natalie were dissecting the dance like it was game film from the Super Bowl. And, really, did Kip-Ten think, "Oh, we're winners. Let's don our swimmies and get in the bathtub!" Doubtful. Shame on you producers.

So, let's be honest they should've kept Kovacs and BSC around. That psychopath Eliza would not have gotten one vote and Kip-Ten would be a little wealthier this morning.

And. The second Tenley figured out she was going to have to vote off a couple: tears. Huge, giant tears. How does anybody have that many tears in their body? I looked it up, the typical adult female is made up of 60% water. Tenley must be closer to 95%.

The second Kovacs and BSC are voted off, you know Kovacs is celebrating a little bit. You know in his head, he was thinking, "Ok, we'll try this for a week and I'm home free!" He later confirmed that. Duh.

Now on to this whole studio audience thing.

Immediately Kovacs and BSC tell the world that it's over. Watching her talk was scary. Probably more scary for him than anything. I have an eery feeling that he could end up dead soon...she is that crazy.

It was pretty lame to listen to these people talk. These adults. ADULTS. I'm an adult and I know lots of other adults. I don't know anyone who acts like these people. Praise God I don't. Can you imagine?

I can't even discuss Wes and Gia because it's the most sad thing I've seen on television since Sunday when Sarah McLachlan asked me to adopt that hungry puppy on the street.

Was Peyton going to a prom that no one else knew about?

Krisily was there and I'm still not really recognizing her as an actual person, because she has yet to legally change her name to something real.

When did Gia become Diane Sawyer? What was with all the investigative questions? What is it that? I think Jesus would tell Gia to take the plank out of her own eye, or he'd tell Gia to stop being a kettle calling the pot black. You're black, too. Remember that whole debacle with telling Craig one thing and then doing another? HOW DOES SHE KEEP FORGETTING THAT?!

I think Tenley really meant her apology to Michelle and all that moron said back to her was, "What goes around comes around." Again. Isn't she an adult? How do these people function in society?

I think everybody was pretty honest about what they would do with their chunk of change if they were to win. But, I don't think Natalie realizes how much it costs to start a charity, even a small one. And then Gwen calls out Dave and that was pretty awesome, but still...Gwen, money or not you should not be on this show at 38 years of age. You just shouldn't.

I think the votes just came down to the fact that Dave and Natalie had more "bro cards." Kippy Skippy and Tenley are just too squeaky clean. People can't relate to them. It's like they aren't real. I really believe that Tenley poops brown sugar.

I love that Chris explains with such great detail that the majority of 15 is 8. Again, these people are adults. And. This isn't Congress, what's with all the drama? They aren't voting to impeach the president here, people.

I really couldn't believe that so many of those idiot gUrls voted for Dave. I mean, he played them like a game of Mouse Trap.

And Chris chimes in, "Four votes apiece. Both couples are half-way to the mark of the eight votes needed to win." We've had some pretty impressive math lessons come out of this epi.

And then, Wes votes and everyone goes wild like we're watching a children's sports movie and Air Bud just caught the winning touchdown pass from his best friend and quarterback.

Oh, but! A twist is coming. Surely, if these two have any bit of intelligence in their brains at all they would've seen this coming-- duh-- you're going to have to do something retarded like this and pick, "keep" or "share." And surely, if they have any bit of intelligence in their brains at all they would have discussed beforehand that they might as well bite the bullet and share the 125Gs. Right? Surely. And obviously, they did. Because there's no way either one of these completely selfish people would have chosen to share the money had they not discussed this decision prior to actually making the decision. No shocker here. They are "sharing" the money.

I think if they were really going to "share" the money and the Bachelor Pad producers really wanted to "test their relationship" they would put the money in a joint account and give them no limitations on how fast you could spend it and then see who "shares" it.

And how great was it that Dave kissed Natalie on the cheek and then basically made out with Chris Harrison? I think we have a little more to learn about Dave.

And. Then everybody celebrated like people actually care about their lives and that this is real, which it isn't.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

lil' lee-lee.

I made a decision quite some time ago to only have friends that were smarter, prettier, dressed better, nicer, were more patient than me, etc, etc; That was a tough decision to make, because I was totally that kid all through elementary school that was incessant about being at the front of the line every. single. time. The point being: I'm quite the egomaniac. Nonetheless, I'm quite confident the reason I lead such a full life is because of the people I've surrounded myself with.

My friend Lee-Lee is no exception to this rule. She's infinitely nicer, more patient, incredibly considerate, thoughtful...I mean, the list goes on and on. She can tease hair like no one I have ever met, which is really saying something when you're a graduate of the University of Arkansas. She can sing like a delicate song bird. And she can discuss college football with the best of them. Maybe her dance moves aren't the best and she doesn't like to drink all that much, but still. She's good people. Real good.

I have to give a SHOUT OUT to this gUrl, because tomorrow after 36 (37?) weeks of carrying around twin boyZ in her tiny lil' body, she'll finally give birth! Her feet are, and have been, the size of a small gorilla and she's been way preggo through the dog days of summer, but I've yet to hear her complain. I'm so very proud of her and cannot wait to meet these little guys.

Lee-Lee and Rhettro, I know you're going to be a great parental unit to TommyBoy and HuddyHud. I cannot wait to come around and teach them all about "Jersey Shore" and rap music. And Lee-Lee, from here on out, I'm begging you to spare me the details on anything concerning placenta sack(s) and/or your cervix, or really anybody's cervix.

Go get 'em, team Lashlee!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

oh, noah.

The amount of rain that is currently falling out of the sky is making me think this morning. Of what you ask? Well, of Noah. Obviously.

Oh, how cliche of me. It's raining like mad and I'm thinking of Noah.

Other than elementary Sunday school and like, one lesson in college that I taught to some 9th graders I've spent very little time studying Noah. But, I think of him often.

I think of this man, Noah, who's story literally blows me out of the water. (Did you like that?) Like, for real. Here's this dude living his life, doing his thang, walking with the Lord and so and so forth.

Then, one day, when he's like at the market or something the Lord, God himself, starts talking to Noah. And not just talking like He talks to me, but really talking..."I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. Make a roof for it and finish the ark to within 18 inches of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons' wives with you. You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them." And you know what Noah did? Everything that the Lord told him to do. All of it. And you know what the Lord did? He flooded the damn Earth just like he said he would.

Can you imagine? I mean, can you really fathom being the one dude on Earth the Lord has favored? The one fellow that the Lord trusts? Basically, Noah is the one guy the Lord is not completely pissed at. That's a lot to shoulder, wouldn't you say?

When you think of it that way and not in the way that Noah was just this zookeeper on a boat, you get it. You really get it.

The Lord has not asked me to build a boat and father the human race. He has not asked me to be responsible for the Earth and all the animals on it. But, He has asked me trust Him. To follow and study His word, to make His name known, to love others as He loves me and you know what? Most days it'd be easier for me to go out and build a damn boat than to do all of those things. But, in spite of that, He loves me. He pursues me relentlessly. Just like He pursues everyone.

All of our boats are different. The Lord asks different things of each of us. But, he expects the same from all of us: to go, to be obedient, to trust. To, metaphorically speaking, build boats.

Today, I'm thankful for Noah and his obedience.

Also, I'm thankful that I wasn't on that boat and responsible for cleaning up all the animal shit. Can you imagine the amount of kitty litter you have to use to soak up elephant poop?

Thanks, Noah.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

the bachelor pad: loyalty.

The game plan is going to be flipped, turned upside down now. OMIGAH.

I love that these idiots keep saying, on repeat, "it's all changing today." Well, it changes every week, moron heads.

I love that the boyZ paced up and down that row of gUrls acting as if we didn't know what was going to happen. Nikki, do you really feel betrayed? I think you should look up the definition of betrayal. Kippy-Skippy ain't Benedict Arnold, he's a contestant on "Bachelor Pad." Right before Dave picks Natalie he looks at all the little ducks in the row and says, "You guys are awesome, classy..." Ok, forget looking up betrayal and look up classy.

I love that Peyton got stuck with Jesse B. I have so many comments that my head feels like it's going to explode.

On peeling a banana:
"That's how monkeys do it."
"So, that's the right way?"
"YES! They are professionals."
Blank stare.

So, a couple of epis ago I was quite certain that Elizabeth was straight up stalker status when it came to her "relationship" with Kovacs, but...she doesn't know his middle name or where he went to college...she probably doesn't know what kind of car he drives! Basically, she's the worst stalker ever. Come. on. gUrl.

And this water balloon toss? Please. Balloons break. There's no art to it. You can wipe it on your shirt dozens and dozens of times and it won't make a damn bit of difference. GET. SERIOUS.

Why is Melissa on this show?!

I think Jesse B. might still have a little thing for Peyton, but unfortunately for him...her beer goggles have long been un-fogged and cleared up.

For like, five minutes, I really thought Tenley was actually going to flip and turn this game upside down. She went from Disney Princess to ice princess with her plan to vote off Eliza and Kovacs, but then...everybody just forgot about it. Sorry, Pey-Pey.

Best line of the night, Dave and Natalie get the date card and everybody is guessing what the date is going to be. Tenley screams, "Oh my gosh! What if you're going on a rocket!" Nobody flinched or even looked at her, leading me to believe she was serious and that other people may have thought that, too. Whatthewhat, gUrl.

This whole making out on the car thing before they go on their date was just weird. And gross. Like. Super gross. Again, let's look up the word classy.

Who's camera was that with all the Natalie photos on it? I'm willing to bet an extremely large sum of money, they somewhere out there on the InternetS Natalie is hosting a social networking page and that page has a whole album of solo shots of her with a yellow Lamborghini. Like, I guarantee it.

So, this whole Kovacs and Eliza in the fantasy suite thing...just, I mean, remember when she wouldn't let Jake kiss her?

Tenley comes downstairs and says, "the lights are on AND it smells good." I'm sorry, but...you could say that about my office some days.

An open letter to Eliza: Dear Eliza, please for the sake of every gUrl everywhere, get your shit together. Like, please. It's starting to just become really sad and honestly, a bit scary. I get it. I mean, admittedly, all gUrls can be crazy...but, you're taking this to a whole new level of WTF. Please. Please. Please. Just try harder, ok? Thanks.

They overuse the word relationship on this show.

OMG. This voting BS is starting to just get annoying. Everyone is all, "loyalty or strategic? LOYALTY OR STRATEGIC?" You know what, why don't you just try to get through this by becoming the least annoying to me. That sounds like the better play.

So, in the end everyone went with loyalty, which is just funny because I'm fairly certain that these people are least likely to be voted "loyal" in real life. But, it's whatever because they finally voted and I don't have to pay attention to this for a whole week. Praise be to God.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

on confidence.

I've never been one to lack confidence.
In anything.

I've stated at least 2,356 times on this blog that I was raised to think I could do and be whatever I wanted. My parents did not raise me like this on accident. But I also do not think they thought I would fully embrace this attitude and become this belligerently confident gUrl who decided to move to a huge city one day without a job or any money just because most of my friends were married. They have admitted more than once that my independent attitude very much cramps their style. It always has.

So, yeah, yeah I've always been ridiculously confident in my abilities, which is baffling to me because this is what I looked like in third grade. Well, really, this is what I looked like the majority of my childhood:

You'll notice that my hair is in the shape of a mushroom and my teeth slightly resemble the Rocky Mountains. How could I, a person that looks like this, think anything positive about myself or even the world in general? I don't know. Clearly, I knew from a young age that personality makes up for looks and dressing ugly is perfectly acceptable as long as you say you're trying to be funny. It does, however, become unacceptable when on more than one occasion you have seen a homeless person dressed in the same outfit.

I do realize that I'm very fortunate to have grown-up completely and whole-heartedly naive to the fact that I very much resembled a boy growing up in the Appalachian Mountains with no access to a mirror or dental care as a youngster.

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