Monday, February 28, 2011

the bachelor: epi 8.

OMG. South Africa, y'all.

Brad can tie his shoes and that's more reassuring than most people can probably comprehend. He can't breathe without consulting a therapist, so watching him tie shoes on his own, is HUGE. During his shoe tying, he takes us through the gamut of emotions he's feeling and we discover that, more than anything, Bach Brad "does NOT want to be that guy again." You know what? I don't want him to be either. I can't handle a third season of him and his baggage.

I'm super excited that during the "connection" montage they showed Chantal's flight attendant scarf and the white shirt moment-- easily her two finest moments this season.

And, then he described being with the Dentist as "magic." Or drug induced. Can't tell.

We can't forget Barbie, who makes Brad a "much better self." What. That's not a question. That's: WHAT.

Finally Brad gets to the Lion Sands (who named it that?) Resort and Brad's confident he isn't going to end up alone. And what's so ironic about that is that the brilliant ABC producers made him go on a safari all alone, while he did a voice over about South Africa being dangerous. (Also: I have a very strong feeling that in less than a year he will be alone.)

If I have ever seen anyone on network television look as dumb as Brad does in his safari hat and old man sandals, then I have definitely blocked it out of my mind. So, Channy and Bach Brad go on a safari and saw a lion and basically shit their pants. And then saw a weird, but gorgeous, giraffe. (Side note: That "he" lion that they kept calling "big" was totally a gUrl lion. Have they not ever seen Lion King?)

The Bach and Channy pop a squat in the "bush," as Brad INSISTS on calling it and have a little picnic. Brad thinks this picnic is a "test" for their relationship and I can't even begin to explain his rationale behind that. Channy feels safe with Brad even though they are surrounded by lions and hippos and newsflash, baby gUrl, Brad ain't gonna be able to protect shit from a lion. A lion?! That thing would tear you apart. Come on.

They start their conversation over dinner discussing EVERYTHING (sarcasm) from comfort to engagement to marriage...OMG... and Channy tells Brad that if she's getting engaged she might as well get married right there (I must admit, I share her sentiments on that, BUT...not when I've known somebody for such a short period of time and I'm on a friggin' television show.)

Oh, shit, they are going to get married in South Africa. Oh. Shit. If he proposes, that's the surprise twist this season! They'll just get married there! Oh, Lawd! Oh, Lawd!

The fantasy suite is a "tree house" in the middle of South Africa. Where's the bathroom? Seriously. Where's the bathroom?

"You're a special person." --Channy, to Brad
That's usually not a compliment.

Emily and Bach Brad meet up and Emily has two, maybe three, buttons buttoned on her shirt. Brad has on sweat pant shorts, which is better than his previous outfit, so I'll just go with it.

"It's possible a lion could come eat me." --Emily
She makes a very valid point.

Instead of a helicopter, Brad shows up on a (there's no other way to say it) MOTHER EFFING elephant. It's not exactly a white horse, but it'll work. And seriously, Brad just looks giddy. Like, seriously. It's actually kind of cute. The elephant plops down for Barbie to get on and Brad just says, "come on." Like, he just pulled up in a convertible or something and is all, "get in." except it's an elephant!

Brad tells her he misses Lil Ricki' and, where that's sweet, it's also weird. I can understand that maybe he would enjoy spending more time with her or something, but he misses her? Really? I'm calling his bluff on that one.

"Are you ready for a five-year-old?" --Barbie, to Bach
"Yep, yep..."
Oh, well, aren't we all ready for that? Sign me up, too!

Brad is so weird around Emily. It's painful to watch. At first it was sweet, now it's painful. Like, dude, she's a real person. Just get your shit together already. Emily says, "you know" over dinner at least 112 times. At least. By the end of the dinner, I'm confident in saying that, no, I don't know.

The Barbie totally fakes us out by pretending that, as a mother, she cannot accept the fantasy date card. She does say she wants to "stay up talking all night" though...I'd really like some confirmation on that one. Like, did he braid her hair? (And, OMG, did we see his face when she actually said yes to the fantasy suite? I really thought he was going to explode right there.)

They get back to the suite and Emily, in all her sequin skirt glory, tells Brad that she IS falling love with him. I thought he was going to start crying right there. I do hope they eventually moved off that tiny and terrible wicker love seat though-- even if they were just staying up to talk all night.

We finally meet up with the Dentist, BUT, not before the Bach takes us on yet another geography lesson. Listen up! It's a LONG way from Miasdkfjhsdkh, Maine to South Africa. Well, no shit Sherlock!

Who let the Dentist wear those shorts? It's like she went to Abercrombie & Fitch right before she left.

Oh, good! A helicopter! I was worried we'd go two episodes in a row WITHOUT a helicopter. The dentist says this is her number one fear ever and I just don't understand that...Most fears are fears we are probably faced with on a regular basis. How often are you given the opportunity to ride in a helicopter, little lady? That's just not a rational number one fear.

(Really LOVED the Bach's voice over during the helicopter ride about how pretty South Africa is, "You know, I had no idea how beautiful South Africa is. I really didn't. It's a very beautiful land filled with some very exotic wild animals." Can't you just see that as a photo caption? BAH!)

Three dates, three picnics.

Cheers to the Dentist's family! Brad brings up the tough questions real quick. Of course, it's a geography question, but...he does need to know where she wants to live. She does not mention Austin. She does mention Southern Maine. Which, obviously, who doesn't think about Southern Maine when picking a place to live?

Brad spent his 20s working in a bar, but he did enjoy those years and you better not think otherwise!

The tough topics keep on coming during dinner! And this makes for some great television.

I honestly don't think that the Dentist has even thought about having to move, if she's chosen, at the end of this. Seriously. It's like, they connected one time over their homeless dads and then just giggled the rest of the time or something. Now, she's saying she'd be happy to move to Austin. And then, it just got awkward. Just awkward.

You could tell half way through the date it hit her, it was like she really did think to herself, "Oh, crap...the tv show ends...what if I have to move? Do they have dental offices in Texas? OMG...The carnival is over." You know what? Her carnival is over. Especially when she said, "I feel like you're just looking for a wife and someone who just fits into your plans." ZING! Busted.

"I don't want to throw you off." --Bach Brad
Ouchies! Don't you just usually phrase it around not getting a rose? And now we're calling it "being thrown off?" Oopsies.

She still accepts the fantasy date and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awkward. I just really hope she didn't give it up. Not after this. Not. after. this.

Brad meets up with his fill-in therapist, Chris, and Brad assures us this situation does not compare to his former stint on the show at all. Side note: Is Chris Harrison's wedding ring a band with a heart on it?

"I feel like I've known Emily for a decade." --Bach
So, you met when she was 14 and you were 28.
That's illegal.

I think we all saw this coming: Brad doesn't even go through the rose ceremony. And you know what? I applaud him on that move. He knew. She knew. We knew. So obvious.

Their talk was sad. I really don't think the Dentist even thought for a second what she should do if she was chosen. I think she just thought it would work and they would figure it out. But, helllllllllo, he's 38 and you have to move to Austin.

"What's wrong with you?" --Bach, to the Dentist
What the hell do you think is wrong, asshole?

The hug Brad gave her as she got into the car was a little much for me. The kiss on the head? Really? Really?

The Dentist is upset that she couldn't fake a smile and say goodbye to the Bach. I think it's interesting that that's her first thought. She held herself together pretty well-- didn't really get too crazy, which is pretty surprising. I would've pegged her for a psycho upon leaving.

The other gUrls are acting all shocked that Brad is walking back alone. Oh, come on, they were gone for like, 2 hours. You aren't surprised, you're relieved.

Brad isn't looking for four years or 15 years. He's looking for a lifetime. And I ain't talking about the television network.

The "ladies" accept their roses and yet again, the episode fails to deliver on the promise of "most dramatic episode ever." It wasn't even in the top 10 of dramatic. Pretty high on the awkward list though. Like, real high.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

dear rihanna.

Dear Rihanna,

As a partial fan of your music, I have a few things to share with you that are causing me concern. I'd like to state that I'm concerned, because you, like all men (and women) were created in the image of God by God and I don't think you understand that.

I can understand that you went through a very painful and traumatic event in the public eye and that you don't want to be seen as a victim, so you decided to come back and prove that Chris Brown was not going to keep you down, but...I feel like coming off as a whore and parading around on television in clothes that had to have been made for a prostitute is not the way to do it.

And your music? I'll be the first to admit that "Umbrella" was life-changing for me. Oh, that song! That song! Still speaks to my heart. But, your more recent singles, particularly, "Rude Boy," "What's My Name," and "S&M" are incredibly disturbing. The lyrics are too much to post on this web log and the videos are even worse.

gUrl, what happened to you? I know you've been hurt, but God loves you. A lot. To him, you are beautiful and pure. You don't have to be like this, this is a decision you made on your own. I just don't understand...surely, you have some self-respect? Right...?

I mean, seriously-- you can do better. I believe in you. Really.

I'd be happy to show you the bridge diagram sometime and tell you a story of heart-changing redemption through the work of Jesus Christ. It's a good one! Just think about it.

Anyway, lovies.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

the bachelor: epi 7.

We start off the epi and apparently Bach Brad lost his stylist. Who let him put that hat on his head? He starts us off with a geography lesson on all the places they have visited. We then get a recap of his relationship with each gUrl. I cannot believe I have to watch this again.

ChannyChan blahblahblahed on about something and her ex-husband and I quit listening. Bach Brad says he missed Chan and then Brad wanted to know about the floor plan of her house. Brad almost started crying when Chan said, "If they don't like you, you're out."

Brad walks in Chan's house and immediately bonds with the dumbest looking dog and cat I've ever seen on television. Was that dog even real? It looks like a fake dog you can buy at Walgreen's.

"I want to be Boca's friend." --Bach Brad, on the dog
It's an effing dog, dude.

"I feel ready to move to Austin for love." --Chan
Don't forget about the water conservation meetings!

Chantal's parents live in a castle. Or something really close to a castle. I think her mom is actually Marie Osmond. Her dad could be Donny. How old are they?! 40?! They sat down to dinner and they just giggled and giggled. I thought someone may have slipped them some meth. I can't believe Chan's parents are so rich and she dresses so poorly. I guess money can't buy you class. Chan starts pooring out her heart and her dad is just a deer in the headlights with a bright purple shirt on.

Bach Brad and Chan's dad, who's wearing a pretty interesting pair of bootcut jeans, go outside to check out a really massive sculpture of a "self-made man." I'm fairly confident he either ordered that off of Amazon or Then, Brad starts crying again when he bonds with ChanDad over their homeless fathers.

Did you see that wine room? Mike, the dad, must've been drinking a shit ton of wine because he gave his blessing for marriage without Bach Brad even asking for it! That wasn't even hard!

Next up: Mashksdhfkdhkgh, Maine. Seriously, what was that town name? The Dentist's heart is really warmed by just being in her hometown.

The Dentist worked at a high school? I think that's illegal. Brad says he could live in Mashksdhfkdhkgh, but I don't think he realizes that the Dentist lives in Philly. Not Mashksdhfkdhkgh.

Brad orders up some cheese fries and gravy and I've never wanted to throw-up so bad in my life after watching them feed each other cheese fries AND gravy. I just wish they would have gotten the ladle out.

"We're in Maine!" --The Dentist
I was in the Geography Bee in 7th grade and I'm still learning something new on this show every week.

Uh-oh. The Dentist is only on her way to falling in love...the other gUrls dropped that bomb shows ago...she's so far behind.

The Dentist walks into her home and screams at the top of her lungs and then form tackles almost everyone in the living room. The whole family cuddles up to Brad as he tells the story of how they met. You know what's funny? The story of how they met isn't much of a story as much as it is a scripted television show.

This family likes to laugh. I like that, but the random screaming is continuing to throw me off. And Chrystie? Oh, Chrystie. She must have more tattoos than the rest of the state of Maine combined.

Bach Brad sits down with the guy in the yellow plaid shirt. I don't know who he is. I must have missed the bar that told me his name. I thought her dad was homeless and Canadian. I'm guessing step dad. Her family is much more skeptical than Chan's...hello, normal family! Thank you for recognizing this is a show.

Chrystie says the time is NOW. NOW. It's perfect.

Mom and Dentist go and cuddle up on a hotel bed? Where are they?

I want a puff of whatever those people are smoking. I mean, the energy level in that family is insane. They must consume five-hour energy drinks by the gallon.

And we're off to the funeral home and cemetery! I mean, this gUrl really knows how to woo a man, right?!

"Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little gUrl." --Shawntel

When Brad walks into the mausoleum and goes into kiss Shawn he's just staring all around. He looks straight-up creeped out. Ok, now I am creeped out. Did you really just turn on the fire to the cremation station?

Shawn convinces Brad to lie down on the embalming table and she's convinced that he's comfortable. Which makes her an idiot. Who would be comfortable doing that?! Brad admits that he doesn't deal with death well. I think Shawn is upset. But, gUrl, death is hard. That doesn't mean people are scared or creeped out, it means they are sad!

We go and meet Shawn's family and she's obviously adopted because everyone is blonde. Oh, your sister's name is Destiny? I don't have enough space on the internetS to share my thoughts on that.

Is Brad ano? He has a piece of meat and two tiny baby pieces of something green on his plate.

It's not awesome the way Shawn's dad talks in the third person. And OMG. He is upset when Shawn even mentions the city of Austin. He's probably heard how weird it is (ZING!). Uh-oh, Dad starts laying on the guilt trip and tells Shawn that the WHOLE ENTIRE COMMUNITY would be affected by her move to Austin. Really, dad? The whole town? I'd like to believe that the whole town of Russellvillle, Arkansas is still reeling from my departure nine years ago, but, you know what? They aren't.

Cool creepy drawing of your daughters there, Dad. PSYCH.

Plot twist! Daddy Bear gives a marriage blessing before Bach Brad even asks! What is this?! What is wrong with these men? Make this son of a bitch do work!

We make our way down south and meet up with Barbie Emily and her daughter...Little Ricki...oh, don't. get. me. started.

Brad shows up with a big ass box. He knows the way to a kid's heart-- STUFF.

Lil' Ricki is being a bit of a "pill," as my mother used to say. Good thing she's cute. But, of course, she takes the present. Oh, a butterfly kite! How great...I mean, it is windy out, Bach!

First Emily is calling Brad her "friend"and then she starts calling him "Mr. Brad." Talk about confusion. She should just be up front with the kid. "Hey kid, mama's been lonely and sad. And mama needs to move on with her life, so I made the really terrible, yet great, decision to let my love-life unfold on television and now I'm subjecting you to this, BUT, he did bring you this kite, so can you please suck it up for Mama? Ok, lock it up, gUrl!"

Let's be honest, Lil' Ricki doesn't need that ole dumb ass kite. Check out that playroom. She has a giant stuffed horse! And a house! And a computer!

Emily lets Brad tell Lil' Ricki goodnight and it's just precious, minus the fact that this small child who's father died before she was even born is being subjected to this trashy television show.

Emily starts being a little affectionate. Mama Bear feels at home, Brad! Get some of that! OH, burn! He ain't gonna do it. And she couldn't look more upset.

"If this works out, she'll always be upstairs sleeping." --Barbie Mom
Zing! If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.

Brad leaves and everyone is weird. To make it weirder he says, "I don't want to leave weird." Well, quit being an asshole. OMG. Way to go, Barbie! Look at that! I'm so proud of her.

Chris steps in as therapist again for the week and I just have to say-- he's not doing anybody any favors by wearing that cardigan under his suit. Chris, you have to be rolling in cash by now. This is the 15th season of this show. Please consult someone before going on camera with your outfit choices.

Chris is a terrible therapist! He's just re-capping the show I just watched for two hours. Hello, I just saw this and I don't want to puke any less now than I did the first time I watched it.

Chris goes in to brief the ladies on what is going to they really not know? Chan, what is your hair?! Are you going to prom?

There are three roses and FOUR "ladies."
Talk about drama!

The final rose comes down to Shawn and Chan and let's be honest, it was time for one of them to go. They have the same name it's just spelled completely different. No one is shocked by his decision to send Deathly Hallows gUrl home. She has a business to inherit. And I mean, I'm all about enjoying your job and being passionate about it, but you don't have to force it on people, gUrl.

Brad wants to give Shawn his jacket and like a strong, independent woman (SHOUT OUT DESTINY'S CHILD) she says, "NO." Love that. Take your jacket and your rose and shove it, Brad. Also, Get your hand off my knee.

The Dentist, in a moment of clarity says, "That's going to be one of us next week." OMG. Someone finally gets the premise of the show!

Shawn is upset. She cries. She says she didn't see it coming.

"I've never been treated like that in a relationship." --Shawn
Oh, you've never gone on a helicopter on a second date before? One word: TELEVISION.

Again, Brad ends the show with a geography lesson. I'm beginning to think he's working on his GED or something and this is his way to study for geography tests by always talking about the "amazing" places he's visited.

This epi was kind of lame. I think it's because CAM is off working on a Lifetime movie somewhere and none of the gUrls were able to interact with each other. I don't have to say it, but this week did not live up to the tagline, "Most dramatic episode ever."

Monday, February 21, 2011

president's day.

If you know me or have ever had the extreme pleasure of conversing with me in person, you know the basics about me: I love the Lord Jesus, I love a cold drink and a good cuss word and of course, I freakin' love the Presidents of the United States of America. You probably know that Franklin Pierce, our nation's 14th President is far and away my favorite, but really, I love them all with the same passion.

Because of this deep love for these men and this great country, I want everyone to enjoy this day. I want everyone to throw their hands in the air and wave them like they DO care. Tell someone, "Happy President's day," and mean it. Share a fun fact, share a not-so-fun fact-- take pride in the fact that we live in a country where we elect our leaders and then throw them out when they suck. Rally around the cry that a self-educated man born in a log cabin who suffered from extreme depression could become POTUS or that a dude who was once a prominent actor could rise to be the most powerful man in the world.

To get you started, here are some ideas on how to enjoy this day like a POTUS would...

You could skinny dip in a lake or river like John Quincy could go on a shopping spree at Brooks Brothers like William Howard could go to the dentist and get some wooden teeth like George could rent a house at the Jersey Shore like Presidents Grant, Arthur, Hayes, Harrison, McKinley, Wilson and Garfield (who died at the Shore, actually) could drink in excess like Franklin Pierce and then quote scripture, you could play the saxophone for your cat like Clinton...the list goes on and on...

Don't let this day pass you by.

And if you feel like it might, just ask yourself, "What would POTUS do?" and PARTY!

**You can also enjoy this dance video I made of all the Presidents in wearing Polo.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

bachelor: epi 6.

This epi starts off with Carmen San Diego-like feel as we learn where Anguilla is located on a map that it has "white sand" according to the Dentist. There's a lot of galloping around and then ole Chrissy comes in and says they have added a date. He breaks it down several times, "Now, there are four dates...three one-on-one dates and one group date..." We learn Barbie gets the first one-on-one. SHOCK-ER. You know what would shock me more though? If a helicopter showed up. Oh, you son of a bitch, you! It's a helicopter! No way! Where'd you get one of those?

Bach Brad takes her to a private island adequately named, "Sandy Island." I'm going to have to say, not the best name for an island ever. It's kind of as bad as me naming my teddy bear, Teddy, as a kid.

Wait. How'd they get wet? They were not wet a second ago.

"It's just scary." --Barbie
THIS. Again? People. People. Come. On.

"We're losing the sun...and we're gaining the moon." --Bach Brad
Uh-oh, we've got an astronomer on our hands here, ladies. He really is the total package!

So, super serious convo follows. Brad really wants to know if he can meet people and then Barbie lets out a deep sigh, deep sigh. Side note: Her daughter is named Josephine, but she goes by "Ricki." Scratch U.S. Senator off of her future career list. He convinces her to kind of say yes by breaking ALL the rules and promising her a rose. If breaking all the rules really just entails you promising me a rose, someone needs to write some more rules.

Bach Brad and Shawn head down to the ole farmer's market and Shawn is tripping out because apparently going to a random ass farmer's market in a random ass country in the middle of the day is her perfect date. What?! It's like these gUrls filled out forms before the show started or something. How does Brad do it? Every week, every single week, he gets it right!

Brad likes how confident Shawn is playing dominoes. I've always heard that the way a woman plays dominoes is the way a woman lives her life.

The date only got more perfect when Brad showed Shawn some baby goats. And ladies, that's it! That's the way to a woman's heart right there. Skip the puppies and roses and get someone a baby goat.

Shawn kind of told the Bach she loves him, but she really didn't. Maybe she was talking about the goats.

Brad wants to sit down and his measure his feelings, but I didn't see any rulers anywhere. Zing! He's going to do this by sight and feel. And there it is-- Shawn throws out that she wants him to come to Chico and Brad really, really respects his mother. And then, Brad talked about his dad and he doesn't do that with people. Unless it's other "ladies" on this show. But, no one else.

Shawn has a really "impressive" tattoo on her lower back.

Then, there's a reggae band and they have a good ole hoot-a-nanny in Anguilla.

Britt gets the next one-on-one date. Oh, wonderful!

Britt is super pumped to find out if there's something between them. Isn't it obvious that there isn't? No? It's not? Really? I can see it and you've only appeared on my television screen for a total of seven minutes this whole season.

Brad starts off the date by bragging about all the different ways he's "picked up" women and he leaves off the line, "Did you fart? Because, you just blew me away." He claims he's picking her up on this yacht, but he made her swim a good two miles out from shore just to get on it. Not my idea of a good time.

"Britt and Brad, all though it sounds really cute, I don't know if I see them getting married. I don't know if I even see them friending each other on Facebook." --CAM**
Zing! She's never said anything so right in her life.

** CAM = (C.razy M.ichelle)

There is a lot of small talk and even more swimming. Then, he makes her jump off a cliff and Britt has a shit fest. For good reason. I'm terribly afraid of heights, but I always forget I am until I get myself into situations that require me to jump off of something like a cliff in the middle of the ocean. She jumped off the cliff and of course, Brad saw her jumping as a metaphor for their relationship and taking a "leap" for him and opening up her heart. Blahblahblah.

CAM tells the Dentist and ChanChan up front she hates them and wishes they were dead... or maybe she just doesn't want to go to on a group date with them.

Britt's been in love a couple of times, but she's not very good at showing affecting. What? Really? Is that why you're sitting 12 inches away from the Bach on the beach? They make their way back to the boat and Britt's wearing what I think is lingerie from TJ Maxx and she's really excited that there's no rose up for grabs. Oh, ABC Producers, you are cruel. BUT, I like it right now.

Brad finally realizes it isn't going to happen, so he basically throws her off the damn boat and tells her to swim home. Kidding! I'm kidding! He provided a dinghy for her. Which is a small, little baby boat. She walks in the house to a round of applause and excitement and then has to tell the gUrls that she was asked to leave because she's really boring and needs a haircut.

"So, I'm actually packing." --Britt
"I'm actually going home." --Britt
Shocker! She goes on to say she's been waiting on it to "kick in" for her and it just didn't. Her exit was only made worse by her white foam platform flip-flops.

We move on to the group date from hell and Brad wakes up ChanChan, the Dentist and CAM around 2am for a photo shoot. The Dentist and CAM are wearing pajamas and ChanChan rolls up in a fun, flirty little red dress. We need to note that ChanChan says, "I'm feeling like a fatty today." I'm glad I caught this because it kind of explains why she spends the whole photo shoot sticking out her stomach like she's pregnant. I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

The photographer tells the Dentist to do some ballet and she jumps in the air. I'm not a genius or anything, but it didn't look very ballet-ish to me. I mean, I've seen "Black Swan."

And. There goes the top.
Class, pure class.

ChanChan then rolls around in the sand and then takes some wet sand and smothers it on her chest. Somewhere in the background I heard, "That's hot. Oh, that's hot." I'm sorry, what? She just put sand down her top.

And. There goes the top.
Class, pure class.

Brad obviously likes it.

CAM has done a "little modeling in her life," so she asks if Brad can be in the shoot and then they make out in front of everyone. ChanChan continues to stick out her stomach and look weird.

It's finally over and the Dentist and ChanChan are "visibly upset" according to Brad. Well, yeah...they took off their tops, but he made out with CAM. So, he talks to the Dentist and he truthfully tells her that he cares about her and they drink some really weird green drinks poolside. It is a party after all!

Bach Brad takes ChanChan to the beach and she plays with the sand, but I don't think Brad thinks it's as "hot" this time. Brad sums up the day by telling Chan, "It is what it is." Oh, great. Chan follows that up with an, "I love you."

He moves on to CAM and Brad is "scared" that he and CAM are too much alike. Then they have a weird convo and CAM just says, "I want to continue progressing." I don't like that word, "progressing," because I feel like she's making women everywhere regress. She's that bad. She's set all women everywhere back years by her crazy ass behavior.

Brad goes on and on about walls and feelings and roses and photo shoots and being lost, which, I don't understand how he's lost. We had that geography lesson in the beginning.

Brad pulls the Dentist aside and wants to know if flossing really does matter that much. She assures him that it does and they discuss their homeless fathers again and then she says, "Babe, you're scaring me," 14 times and then says, "Don't send me home!" and he gives her the rose! That's all it took! Just some begging. Oh, Brad. OH, BRAD.

The look from CAM when it was over was like nothing I've ever seen before. That woman has a list and he's on it. I'm guessing that that list is not good. Brad begs Chan to talk and she just cries as the Dentist tries to console her. But, Brad works through it and gets her to talk. Then they argue a little bit and he tells her, "It's not a matter of choosing one over three." Well, what is it then, Brad? You have to choose one over the other! I swear no one told this asshole the rules before he signed up for this show.

Chris shows up just as Bach Brad is gazing at the framed 5x7 photos on the random table. Brad never made the phone call to his therapist this week and Chris gets to sit in as counsel for the time being. Brad decides to cancel the cocktail party. I have to be honest, nothing pisses me off more than a cancelled cocktail party.

"What the hell is going on?" -- Chan (I think)
I find myself asking that same question, on repeat, every single time I turn this show on.

"If I go home tonight, I'm going to be fu$%in@ pissed." --CAM

"Brad's been very clear with his intentions and what he's doing here." --Chris
Well, yeah, again...we all know his intentions. His intentions are the point of this stupid show. Right? No?

CAM goes home! CAM goes home!
And guess who's effing pissed? You guessed it: CAM!

Bach Brad walks her out and you know he was terrified. That gUrl could slice him up! He asks to talk to her and she just gets in the limo and proceeds to lie down. No tears, no crazy confessions of's like nothing ever happened-- she was just tired.

Brad explains that he realized CAM was crazy and that's why he was so confident in telling her goodbye.

Well, finally.

Next week seems to be really promising. Shawn is going to take Brad to the morgue and I for one am thrilled beyond belief about that! It's hometown dates, which means one thing to me: the "journey" is almost over. PTL.

Monday, February 14, 2011

v-d gift guide.

Because I have a plethora of male suitors hoping to serve as my 2011 version of a valentine, here are some ideas for those also hoping to woo me, on this day, Valentine's Day 2011.

WHY? Because I'm tired of snuggling up with a potential joint-checking account holder and being able to visibly see the kitty litter box. With this gem of an item, we won't have to look at it any more!

WHY? Well, if it's not obvious, then I don't know what it is! It's sexy, fun AND multi-cultural. What better way for me to show how diverse I am than with an Asian-themed cover-up?!

WHY? I'm not quite married yet, so every now and then I get scared at night. What better way for my honey to show he cares than purchasing a fake surveillance camera to scare would-be danger away from me while I'm getting all my beauty sleep?

WHY? When someone loves you they want you to be able to go to Target whenever you want and buy as much toilet paper as your under-the-sink cabinet can hold. You can't put a price on love, unless you're sharing your money with your love.

WHY? The best way to show someone you love them is to buy them a (cute) puppy, let them name it and then take that puppy home and take care of it yourself and never seek any responsibility from the other party, unless you're leaving town or something for more than 36 hours. Love is letting someone have a puppy without the restraints of actually having a puppy.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

easy DIY pizza.

Alright, in this state of snowmergency I've been getting tons of e-mails and tweets asking me for recipes and ideas on how to keep warm with some yummy food! I can't keep this yumminess to myself any longer. Here's a step-by-step photorial on an easy, breezy DIY pizza for one! ENJOY!

Step 1. Buy a pizza from your local grocer. You can choose the brand!

2. In all likelihood the brand you choose will have a pull-tab. PULL IT!

3. Slide pizza out of box.

4. Place pizza (remember: you can choose whatever brand YOU want!) on cookie sheet.

5. Place pizza in the oven. The box says to pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees. So, do that.

6. Remove from oven. Place on a plate.

7. Slice the pizza. You can use a knife or a fancy-dancy pizza cutter!


Monday, February 7, 2011

bachelor: epi 5.

We do not start this epi with Chris Harrison and for the first time in 10 years I believe him-- maybe THIS IS going to be the most dramatic epi ever.

"I'm so fortunate to have been given a second chance at falling in love." --Bach Brad
No, no, no! You have a whole life-- you don't have to fall in love on television.

So, we're headed to Costa Rica, where Brad hopes he can find some answers...from Costa Rica.

"I clearly did not grow up in a jungle." --BarbieEmily
Who did, gUrl? Who did?

There are eight "ladies" left and they are all ready to get down and dirty in Costa Rica. What does that even mean? I haven't seen anyone get dirty on this show yet. Hell, I don't even remember the last time I got dirty. Maybe when I went fishing a few months ago and I got some dirt on my legs.

"I'm going to make him fall in love with me." --CAM
How's that working out for you?

Chantal is feeling super special (CAM is thinking the EXACT opposite) because her name was on the date card. OMG. But, she's also freaking out. OMG. It's make or break on the "something fun" date, which happens to be...a mother effing helicopter. Dude, not impressed. Your helicopter is a cheap rip-off of 127 other dates.

"I'm so excited." --Chantal
"I'm SO excited." --Bach Brad

Brad wants to "rejuvenate" his relationship with ChannyChan...wait...WTF. Rejuvenate? You've been dating her and a multitude of other gUrls for like, 2 weeks...if you have to revamp something at this point it wasn't vamped in the first place. If I hear the word "amazing" again I'm going to cut someone's toe off. OMG. It starts raining...AGAIN...OMG, what is that? Can you believe it? We better go hang out in a hotel suite with a rose and a white-button down shirt. Brad really likes the white-button down.

These two "love-birds" use more superlatives than anybody has ever used in their life. Like, their entire lives. Ie; best, greatest, etc;

"Honestly, I was just in a bad place." --Chantal, to Brad on her recent behavior
Where was that? Vegas?

Group date DRA-MA.

So, the gUrls are riding in the back of a truck like a bunch of migrant workers dressed in expensive yoga clothes. Brad's taking the "ladies" on an adventure and really, it seems more like a really shitty team-building exercise. All they need is a trust-fall and some "share-time" and these bitches will be bonded for life. They are repelling down a waterfall and CAM is pissed (honestly) because Brad isn't supposed to repel off of anything with anyone else, ever again besides CAM. EVER. I have to be honest, that seems like a pretty dumb pact to make, because it's like, "Well, sure I can make you this promise. I mean, how many opportunities will I have to repel off something with someone else?" Oh yeah, several-- it's not real life.

"I put these women to the test." --Bach Brad
How is an all-expenses paid vacay a test or hard?
I've taken some tests before. I made a 38% on a Calculus for Business test once. Then, I dropped the class. That test was hard.

Brad really learned his lesson from a few episodes ago-- on this epi, he's trying to make every single gUrl feel "special." Newsflash: you're on a reality dating show with eight gUrls, it's probably going to be tough to make everyone feel "special." Read Psalm 139 and be done with it.

"Honestly, these girls are really starting to bother me." --CAM
Oh, pot, this is the're kind of black.

Bach Brad hears that Barbie Emily is scared and he thinks she should be having fun, so now he's scared that this is going to get sabotaged. It's all fun and games until reality tv is involved, Brad. He asks her to continue to stay there emotionally and then they immediately start making out. Naturally.

OMG. Did you see that bug? Like, how are they still alive? Those bitches broke something in the middle of all that commotion.

"I'm not looking for a type, all I'm looking for is a connection." --Bach Brad
That's not exactly true. Clearly, your "type" is crazy. And the only real "connection" you've claimed to have so far is when you and the Dentist both found out your dads were homeless or whatever.

CAM and Bach Brad go on to have one of the most incoherent conversations ever and at first I thought CAM was jealous of ChannyChan's white button-down, but then they start talking about walking backwards or something and I was lost.

"You just wanna have a sexy date in Costa Rica with Chantal." --CAM
"Don't don't tell me that I just want to have a sexy date in Costa Rica with Chantal." -- Bach Brad
Are these adults? Seriously?

CAM does not like Chantal. I do not like Brad's tattoo. So, it's even. Brad really, really likes CAM. Or so he says.

Brad doesn't hand out a rose and a little piece of me died on the inside. Is Brad crumbling? Is this a repeat? Are we on a loop? What is happening?! If he can't handle the pressure I hope he gets out of the kitchen. Is his therapist stashed somewhere? Oh, ABC, I hope and pray you know what you're doing!

Alli and Brad may or may not have a "true relationship forming." You know what? I'm going to go with "may not." Side note: Is that a random Shetland pony following them around? Love that. This is most boring date ever. All they are doing is pointing at shit and saying, "Look at that bird." Take a picture, assholes. It lasts longer.

Brad and Alli head into the 40-million-year-old cave. [40-million-years-old?!] [Christian or not, are you an idiot? No, are you? 40-million? OY VEY.] No worries, Brad is leading the way. The only thing worse than following Brad around in the daylight is following Brad around a dark cave.

So, they drink at the "altar" or something and then have dinner and awkwardly talk about how neither one of them normally walk around dark caves in the dark. Or something. And then it got worse and then she started insulting him and his city and then their little island started sinking. And then she told some sob story about not being able to see some dude at the end of the aisle on her wedding day.

Alli doesn't get the rose.
And. I could care less. She cried and I sent some work e-mails. After that Brad looked out over his balcony and presumably, thought about his therapist.

Next thing you know, CAM is at Brad's door and he looks shocked and like he's looking for a producer. There is some serious fear in his eyes. They mug down for a while and CAM tells Bach Brad that sending Alli home is a good decision and then they talk about how CAM is always pissed off. RED. FLAG. Then, CAM tells Bach Brad what gUrls should go home and when. And her braid looks really weird. Don't misunderstand, I like a good braid, but that one just looks like she did a poor job with it. Side note: Is it just me or is she always hitting Brad? Is that what boys like? Should I start punching them more?

Cocktail party.
Brad's got some tough decisions to make tonight.

Chantal is the only one with the rose, so I'm wondering if that's why she was so confident in her decision to wear that dress.

Everyone is so damn scared and I'm starting to wonder if they know something I don't. Is there a killer loose on the island? A deadly disease? Why is everyone so scared? That's all they are talking about. I counted how many times these nine idiots said "scared" or "scary" over the last two (longest) hours (of my life) and it was somewhere in the ballpark of 3,582. That's a rough estimate-- could be closer to 3,579.

Brad says Barbie Emily is "worth the fight" and that's good because I have a feeling by the end of this CAM will fight someone.

Brad is scared (badly) of CAM and that's the realest shit this dude has ever said. Brad, we're all scared of this psycho. And then, they said "scared" another 46 times and well...frankly, I'm "scared" too, because these are real people who actually live in this country and are afforded the same freedoms I am and that makes me uncomfortable because I don't think any of them are emotionally stable enough to handle going to the grocery store alone.

"I don't know if I'm crazy." --CAM
I do.

All the "ladies" confront CAM over the "grief" given to Brad and basically, everyone is confused. Well, join the club-- I'm confused as to why these people are still convinced any of this is a good idea. Don't these gUrls have ANY friends at home who pulled them aside and said, "Come. on. gUrl. Get it together."

Shawntel and Brad play the silent game and it was weird. Like, weird.

You want to know what really is scary? Ok, I'll tell you: at the 1:42 mark, CAM walked in and said, "Hi, friends." in the creepiest voice of all-time. And then the "ladies" just argued over the "grief." CAM dropped the bomb that she tried to get a white-button down of her own by visiting Brad's hotel room and everyone agrees that CAM has no class, but CAM is just "trying to keep it real."

Chantal, feeling uber confident in that dress from the Forever 21 sale rack, tells Brad, "I love you." Bold move. And Brad asks her why she thinks that. Bold question. They aren't even to the hometown dates and she's dropping L-bombs?! Honey, burn a mixed CD or something first.

FINALLY, Chris shows up and drops the terrible news that someone is going home SO-LO. Where has that son of a bitch been the whole episode? He thinks he can just waltz in at the end of the show? If I have to deal with all this BS he should, too.

Brad feels humbled about something. He hands out some roses and for some reason gave Britt one. I think he feels sorry for her. Have they even talked? Ever? I remember that one time.

CAM gets a rose. CAM gets a rose!
Jackie goes home. Jackie cries. Hey! At least she got a trip to Costa Rica out of the deal. Those guys on the Bachelorette last season had to go to Iceland.

Next week sure looks like a doozie, right? I can barely contain my excitement. Ok, I lied. I can.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

the bachelor: epi 4.

My deepest apologies for the lateness of this post. The winter weather delayed my viewing of the epi and well, here it is...

We open with Chris Harrison coming in and counting the gUrls left on the journey. He warns them of the seriousness of it all and yes, this is serious. This is prime-time network VEGAS! Also, I counted how many times he said "journey" just then. It was 19.

They flew Southwest and I respect that.

Brad gets out of the car at his hotel and the guy greets him and then he's all, "I love your city, thanks so much for having me," like that guy was the mayor or something. It was the door-guy.

Brad thinks he can figure out his journey of love by spending a week in Vegas. Good luck with that.

Shawntel gets the one-on-one date. It's a shopping date, well, a spree really.

"I didn't know Shawntel was so stylish." --Brad
Well, yeah, because she's always in a bikini.

"I think he's legitimately interested in her." --Jackie
I think he's interested in everyone.

ShawniePoo comes in after the "spree" and of course the other gUrls are like, "WTF, Shawn?"
CAM realllllly, realllllly, realllllly wishes she had the shopping date. Well, yeah, gUrl, DUH.

All the "ladies" are sitting around drinking beer and that one gUrl is in a robe and everyone else has on normal clothes. That's weird to me. Why is she in a robe? I don't like Shawn's hair for the date, but I think the dress is alright. I can't comment on that purse, because I don't have that kind of insight, but it's like, really expensive, so I guess it's pretty nice.

"I am so grateful...but, I'm really nervous...I really want this time to talk to him about being a funeral director and an embalmer." --ShawniePoo
Oh, wow...really? I'm fairly certain she just said, "leakage."

Brad is just not taking this seriously. But, you know what...Shawn gets the rose. Obviously. He'd give me a rose.

"We have the basis for a very real relationship to happen." --Brad
Do you? Do you? Being on a television show and and going on a shopping spree is the basis for a very real relationship? Please.

Do these gUrls really just sit around together and chat allllllll the time? And why do some of them look so put-together and some look like I do right now? The date card comes and they figured out real quickly that Ashley and Ashley have to go on the two-on-one date...TOGETHER. Of course, CAM is really, really, really glad about it. What an ass-bitch.

It's a full-blown NASCAR race track. Dear ABC Producers, you are seriously the scummiest of the scummiest people to ever breathe in air. What kind of son of a bitch would do this to a person? Is this funny? If I ever see you in person, I plan on spitting on you.

CAM thinks she's fun and HOT. But, she said hot really funny. Not funny, weird. It was weird.

Oh, Brad is really curious as to what's going on in Emily's he doesn't know. Please.

"Can I ask you what got you involved in NASCAR in the first place?" --Brad
Well, obviously, she's spent a lot of time just racing growing up, Brad. I mean, who doesn't love some Sunday afternoon NASCAR?

"I need to go check on somebody I care about." --Brad

Emily is such a trooper. And she had on more jewelry than all the other gUrls combined. I respect that.

At a pool.
Could they even have a party somewhere other than a pool?

Brad pulls BarbieEmily aside and the other gUrls start bitching like they just lost prom queen or something. Brad doesn't really see it that way, no, he needs a therapy session.

"You're a little older than me, my dear." --BarbieEmily
FINALLY. Yeah, Brad's 38. Barbie is like, 25.

Alli says it's hard to feel special and she feels stupid for crying and being dumb. I'm going to validate her feelings...I think she's dumb and stupid, too.

OH, L-BOMB. She dropped the L-BOMB. Chantal, what. are. you. doing?! You are on a group-date with 11 other "ladies" and you just said LOVE. Now, I think think you're stupid and dumb, too.

The Dentist and the Babysitter are questioning everything they know. Their whole worlds are shifting.

Who loved CAM's hair? The part down the middle, the ringlets to each side.

"Yeah, whatever." --CAM
They admitted they have crushes on each other and then CAM grabbed his face like a vaccuum cleaner and Brad just said, "Thanks."

Brad gives Emily the rose. How big of a d-bag would he be if he didn't? A big one.

I think both Ashleys were seeing who could wear the shorter, tighter dress. I counted how many times he said, "Both Ashleys." It was 26.

Oh, I love watching people do choreography that have no experience doing choreography (I fall in that category myself).

This show isn't scripted at all, is it? Shawn and Chan are sitting around asking each other, "What do you think?"

"Chemistry. Trust. Teamwork. Romance." --Brad
Now Brad's a junior high basketball coach. Well, minus the romance.

How awkward is this dinner? How does Brad always seem caught off-guard by the fact that he has to give someone a rose each and every date? Like, Brad, you've done this know the drill.

Brad just said "connection" 19 times. Say "connection" again.

The Dentist gets the rose. The Dentist gets the rose!

"I just feel really sad...I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. And the heart." --The Babysitter
All very valid. She thinks finding love is very important. gUrl, nothing is wrong with're 22 and he's 38. You don't want to be with him. Get it together and go babysit someone. You wear silly bandZ for crying out loud!

The Dentist doesn't seem all that upset. Unless making out is her way to get over being really upset.

Did we love Brad's eye make-up? It really stressed me out.

Brad puts a call in to his therapist. Good idea.
I can't even comment on this.

Rose ceremony.

That gUrl has on a mini tiara. I don't like it.

Whoa, CAM, look in the mirror the next time you get dressed. Please.

Chantal and Bach Brad talk it up about when women cry, Bach Brad comes running.
Brad wants Alli to feel special, so he does something for her he's already done for Emily. OOPS.

Marissa is strong and confident...AND a random texter and note-giver. I respect that. But, she's spent very little time with him, so I can only imagine what these random notes say.

Whoa, Britt, where are you going? What are you wearing? I think she got that at JC Penney. For sure.

CAM is going after him. This is starting to get creepy. Brad's not allowed to talk and you can tell he's starting to get a little weirded out, that is until she sticks her tongue down his throat. Watching them kiss is not enjoyable. ABC, this is not entertainment. This is terrifying.

"There's some women that I still have some questions about." --Brad
I just wanted to point out that that sentence was not grammatically correct.

First rose goes to CAM and I'm just going to say it for you, "WHAT. THE. F$%^."
Britt gets a rose?! OMG.
Marissa does not get a rose, therefore, those are going to be some pretty awkward notes for Bach Brad to read. I hope he just throws them away or something. Maybe she should have given them to him earlier.

I forgot that one curly-haired gUrl's name until she got kicked off and started crying. I would've kicked her off based on her choice of nail color, for sure. Baby shit pink? No thanks.

"It hurts having to leave feeling like I was rejected." --Marissa
Hate to break it to you, that's exactly what happened though-- you were rejected.

Chris just called this the most "controversial season of the Bachelor."
Wait, is controversial the same as dramatic? Because, if it's not Chris just changed the whole game for me and I don't even know what to do if this isn't the most dramatic season ever, but the most controversial.

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