Wednesday, March 30, 2011


So, marriage has never been my end goal in life. I've never thought that marriage would be the end of me or the beginning of me. It could be the end of some things and the beginning of others, but I'm not going to get a monument for walking down the aisle or anything.

So...basically, I've succumbed to the fact that this could be it. Maybe it's just LC forever. Maybe. I mean, I hope not.

But, anyway.

I've been thinking.

IF, this is it, I really want to end up on an episode of "House Hunters" and have my BFF come on with me and say things like, "Those cherry cabinets are much more mature than what you have now." OR "That guest bedroom would be awesome for when your parents come to visit."
Or even, "I hate the tile."

And that's it. It's marriage or "House Hunters."

"House Hunters."

** To any and all single males reading this: I'm a really good cook and I've been known to do laundry! PLUS, I'm good with finances. So, I would be willing to take marriage over "House Hunters."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

wardrobe of my youth: bracket buster.

To say I've always had a "passion for fashion" would be accurate if you weren't talking about me specifically.

To continue on in our series of "Bracket Busters," we come out again with The University of North Carolina winning it all, as evidenced by the series of photos below. If /when UNC wins, you can't call me a bandwagon fan.

UNC basketball warm-up at least three to four sizes too big.

UNC soccer shorts, too!

Fashion plate.
MJ is UNC.

So, UNC wins it all based on James K. Polk and the terrible fashion choices I made in my youth?

Friday, March 18, 2011

james k. polk: bracket buster.

Which POTUS has the best shot at his alma mater claiming victory this March?
James K. Polk.

Who else could make a run? Gerald R. Ford and Bill Clinton.

Polk, the small mulleted man who served as the Governor of Tennessee and as Speaker of the House before becoming POTUS, is an 1818 graduate of the University of North Carolina. Clinton is a graduate of Georgetown and Ford, a former football player for the University of Michigan.

UNC is a two-seed in the East and is coming off a pretty bad loss to Duke in the finals of the ACC Tournament Championship. So, what do these Tar Heels have in common with Polk?

Not Terrible: Polk, before even garnering the Whig nomination for President in 1844 Polk vowed to only serve one term and set up four clear goals to accomplish. And that he did. Thus, making him not terrible.

UNC is considered one of the most successful college basketball programs of all-time. They’ve won five national championships and are number three on the all-times win list for Division I men’s basketball. Thus, making the program not terrible.

Storied rivalry: Polk, though efficient and effective during his term, was not without a thorn in his side. Enter: Henry Clay, the “Great Compromiser” and one of the greatest men to ever serve in the United States Senate (and House). If you wanted something accomplished or passed, you needed Clay on your side. Or, you had to go through Clay to get it done. Polk barely edged out Clay for the Whig Party’s nomination in 1844. Polk even lost his home state of Tennessee to Clay.

UNC is no stranger to hatred. Enter Duke. Eight miles apart from each other and no love lost. For either team to win a championship of any kind they have to beat each other—usually three times in a season, if not more. UNC leads the rivalry 131-101.

UNC gets the nod for “more” in every major success category, but ACC Tournament Championships. However, to a lot of people Duke has more prestige and is hated more. Much like Henry Clay is considered to be more successful and prestigious, but numbers don’t lie. UNC has five NCAA Championships, to Duke’s four. And Polk? Well, he was President and Clay wasn’t. (The Missouri Compromise didn’t even last that long anyway.)

That one thing: Polk’s hair, which was a mullet, is his one thing most people actually know about.

And UNC? Well, they’ve got that Michael Jordan guy as their one thing.

Ford and Clinton’s teams have a few things in common with their most notable alumni as well. Ford, an extremely well liked Congressman was never supposed to be President. He just kept getting bumped up the ladder. And Michigan? Well, they aren’t supposed to be fully recovered from their NCAA sanctions yet. Will Ford’s happen chance at the Presidency parlay this young Michigan team into the Final 4 only a few years after being banned from tournament play all-together?

Clinton tasted success young and never backed down from a challenge. Plus, his political successes ultimately led to the political successes of his wife, Hillary Clinton, current Secretary of the State. Georgetown, always the fighter and always a tough opponent to Big East foes gained notability in the 1980s through their legendary coach, John Thompson. Their current coach? Well, his name is John Thompson III and he’s Thompson’s son. My guess is he got the job the job thanks to Daddy-O. Kind of like Hillary. But, hey—a win’s a win.

So, there you have it.
It’s James K. Polk for the win.

the bachelor: lessons learned.

Praise the Lord for a two month break from the gut-wrenching agony that is this poor example of quality television known as "The Bachelor."

I definitely need to spend the next two months gearing up for the nails-on-the-chalkboard-like dentist, also known as Ashley H., who is our next Bachelorette.

Anyway. After finally viewing the "After the Rose" epi, I experienced zero shock and very little heartache. I didn't lose any sleep, nor did I experience any nausea. And, I hate that. Maybe I'm too realistic to truly believe this bullshit show could actually provide somebody with a healthy relationship/marriage or maybe I'm cynical and jealous.

However, there is a small part of me that holds on to the dream each season. The dream that two, would be strangers, could come together under the umbrella of cameras, producers and editing to find bliss. I hold on to that dream because if that could happen, then maybe there's a shot for me, too. Maybe one day soon I'll be strolling casually down the adult beverage aisle at Kroger and meet my match for life. ( I should try a different Kroger though seeing as how all the men that shop at my neighborhood Kroger are also hoping to meet the man of their dreams.)

So, what did we learn this season?
Or, what didn't we learn?

For sure, we learned where Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Costa Rica, Anguilla, New York City and South Africa are on a map. We also got the bonus information of knowing that southern Maine and South Africa are like, really far apart.

We learned that therapy not only opens you up emotionally, it also makes it hard to function normally without said therapist while on a reality television show.

We learned that "Kiss from a Rose" is just as bad now as it was in 1992.

We learned that you can give yourself a black eye and have zero recollection of the event.

We learned that men like pastels, too.

We learned that sometimes "giving back" actually means filming fake commercials that involve kissing.

We learned that each and every date (ever) should end in a hot tub. And there should be champagne.

We learned that money can't buy you class (Channy).

We learned that the phrase "second chance" could actually mean the 2,345th chance.

We learned that helicopters are typical. And expected.

Obviously, the list could go on, but I think it's time that we closed the book on Bach Brad. I have a strong feeling he's about to go through hell trying to get his lil' Barbie doll to actually like him. She seemed to really be giving him the cold shoulder the other night. I felt extremely awkward watching it. It was like watching people you kind of know and don't necessarily hate self-destruct at a junior high dance. The pettiness, the weirdness, the chaperone, the other gUrl...think about it. That's exactly what it was like. You want it to work, but you're thinking, "You're in junior high. This will never last." Except it's, "You met on a television show and 20 other women were involved. This will never last."

Here's hoping if Brad ever gets to be that "not-a-step-father" type of father to Lil' Ricki, he'll work on giving her a more suitable name to go by. Otherwise, she's screwed for life. Throw the gUrl a bone.

Cheers to giving someone your forever.
Or whatever.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

the bachelor: final rose.

It's finally here. This is the exact feeling I have every Monday: fear and loathing. And I'm not even in Las Vegas.

Why have they been calling this Brad's second chance at love? Wouldn't the more appropriate phrase be, "second chance at love on television?" Why are they acting as if he hasn't had the opportunity to fall in love at other times in his life?

Wow, Bach Brad is a crier! I mean, like, this dude was bawling. He was crying so hard he had to get up and just walk around. You know, he just needed to "walk it off." And, he loves them so much that during his interviews he keeps calling them "these people." That's warm and touching right there.

I'm sure it's the editing, but they wasted zero time getting "these people" all the white wine their livers can possibly handle.

Brad tells the fam he's considering proposing and launches into his spiel about these two "ladies" and how "completely" different they are.

Channy is the first gUrl.

"Where have you been?!" --Brad, to Chantal

OMG. His twin brother's name is CHAD.
I'm done. I. am. done.

Channy tells some BS story about falling in love in Costa Rica and she totally left out the part about the white button-down shirt. Oopsies. Channy tells the brothers that Brad is "exactly what she wants." Exactly as in...old, non-committal and not willing to move away from Austin.

Pam really puts Channy on the spot by asking her how she fell in love so quick. I personally would have given her a talk about what the internetS has done to society and this whole "instant gratification" thing, but Chan went a different way. She rambled on and on about being divorced and now she has an open heart.

"You are precious." --Pam

Pam called Channy "precious" again and...I mean, that's just NOT what I would call her. Like, not even in the top 23 words I would use to describe her.

"We all deserve it." --Brad, about being happy
I see trouble down the road after that comment. That's called entitlement issues.

"If everything works out, I will marry her." --Brad, about Channy
Everything as in...Emily says no?

Was Chantal wearing half a burlap sack?

Emily arrives.

Oh, ABC producers, you bastards. They totally made Twin Chad ask the family question right away. And then everyone freaked the hell out. And then things just went to shit for a second. This was all Brad's fault. Talk about awkward. Get your shit together, Brad.

Then, the tears came. Which, I thought was interesting. That's now the 14th time I've heard this story and I just felt like she wasn't as into it this time. She could have done a better job of telling it. Not tear worthy. Still sad? Yes. Tears? No.

How do you let your brother do this twice? TWICE. I'd kick my brother's ass so hard.

"I love the fact that she's a lady." --Brad
What the what. What kind of gUrls does he usually date?

I love that Emily tells Pam that Brad went out of his way to be kind to Little Ricki. Well, yeah, DUH. Obviously. (SHOUT OUT, CHARLIE SHEEN) Can you imagine if he was just a huge a-hole to her? Like, instead of a kite he gave her a blender or something like on "Father of the Bride?" And then Emily would be all, "He was kind of a prick to her, but...I'm working through it." Please.

The family breaks it down and the SILs let Brad know that Channy won't "get it." She isn't in "their world." WTF. Having a kid doesn't mean you're living in outer space. Get serious. I bet Emily can still go out for wine and sushi even though she has a child.

Pam lets Brad know that Emily is the total package. But, he can't leave it at that. He HAS to go look at the ocean and soak it all in. He has to think about everything while staring off into the distance.

Brad loves a good cargo short or a good cargo pant. Loves to be able to carry a ton of shit, if needed. That's the thing about cargo shorts, you don't have to carry stuff in the pockets, but you could if needed.

Chantal is blown away by the fact that Cape Town, South Africa has wildlife. As if no other place in the world but the San Diego Zoo has animals. Then, she calls the sharks menacing.

Isn't Channy scared of water? Perf. Throw her in the damn ocean with some sharks. Brad goes on and on about how he has "asked" her to do these things for him and I'm like, BULLSHIT. Brad, come on. You didn't plan this. If you planned this you'd somehow involve a helicopter. Duh. We know your shtick.

"If we can get through this, we can get through anything." --Channy
Yes, what a perfect example of a trial/ tribulation. Someday when you're arguing about bills and kids and where to spend Christmas you will be able to stop and say, "Honey, remember the time we swam in the ocean and saw those sharks?"

"You're brave." --Brad
There was a cage. Give me a friggin' break.

Oh, good! Channy gave Brad a map. I needed a geography lesson, because for a second I totally forgot all the places they have traveled this season.

That's the note she's giving him? Did she even buy stationary? Trash. How does she not at least have some card stock? I appreciate that she called it a "process" rather than a "journey." But, "journey" would've played into the map theme better.

Do you think Chantal just sat and stared at that bottle of wine all night after Brad left? I hope not. Brad seemed to be pretty wowed by her map. Maybe she should look into cartography or something if this doesn't work for her.

Uh-oh. Emily gets a helicopter ride. Should I be reading into this? I like how they weren't even excited by the damn helicopter at this point. It was as if they were renting a car at the airport and they got the keys to a Ford Escort. "Oh, no way! A Ford Escort?! Y'all rent these out?!" I mean, it's still a helicopter, y'all.

Emily is just as concerned about the wind blowing her hair as she is about Brad being ready to be a father at that very moment. She tells him that he can't drink beer at six o'clock anymore. At that point, I would've been out. No alcohol at 6pm? Is that on weekdays or all days? When can you drink if you're a parent? That would make me re-consider my options at that point.

Brad is so awkward and uncomfortable. I don't get it. He claims to totally "be himself" around Emily, but then it ALWAYS looks like he's going to throw up when he has to bring up something hard to discuss.

Brad spills his guts about being a "real" father and love Lil' Ricki like, "not a step-father." And then Barbie Emily wants to really know what that means. And he goes a little deeper about how he'd help clean up throw-up or something.

I appreciate that Emily is trying to really tell him how hard being a parent is and Brad assumes Emily is calling him a flake or something. It was really weird to watch. Like, just weird.

Something is wrong with him. If people don't react just perfectly to what he says he has a hard time breathing and then starts wiggling around and shit. Dude, Brad, it's not like she said, "I don't believe you! I think you just want to watch football and drink beer at 6pm." She was just getting it all out on the table.

"I was slapped in the face...I am profoundly hurt and upset." --Brad
Oh, please. You're such a pansy. Go call your therapist.

Brad's excited and nervous and describes what has to happen. He has to choose between two "incredible" women. So, at this point, I think he finally gets it. He finally understands the premise of the show! It took you long enough, ass.

Chantal needs to look at the water so she can remember everything, but that isn't enough. She needs to get in the water and think about stuff.

Emily needs to take a stroll to remember things, but she obviously gets tired and just needs to take a seat and read her journal.

Somehow, Brad finds his way to the side of the road and goes over the process again, "I have to decide between two incredible women." He reiterates the fact that the women are "so different, so different." But, then. It hits him. Just like that. He walks up a hill, looks behind him, gets to the top of the hill and it's settled. He knows.

Hey! I've seen this guy before! Neil, it's you! He's sold some rings to some other guys I know. Oh, wait. I don't know them, they've just been on tv before.

Brad explains to the ringmaster that "it's love."

"It's the best gut-feeling I've ever had in my entire life." --Brad
Could be IBS.

"Brad could ask me to be his wife, it's like, what a romantic love story." --Chantal
No comment. Zero things to say about that.

Brad is scared, but excited and happy.

There's a peacock on Chantal's shoulder. Somebody tell her there's a peacock on her shoulder!

The white limo, circa 1992 pulls up. Chantal is first. Chris acts as escort and is probably getting paid six figures to open a car door and walk her down a dirt path.

The peacock is dead. Somebody tell her there's a dead peacock on her shoulder!

Bach Brad wastes no time. It's obvious that she ain't gettin' that rock. Channy knows it, too. Wait for it, wait for it...there it is! He has stronger feelings for someone else! Zing!

He tells her that "everything that we had and always will have is very, very real." Always will have, Brad? No...this is a break-up. You don't get to "have" anything anymore. Maybe he's talking about the fact that they could possibly be sharing an STD?

That piano music really makes it somber. Really brings it home. This is real shit. Real feelings involved. Real peacocks being harmed to make that dress.

Chan has nothing to say to him. But, then she says a lot on the walk to the car.

Brad is so desperate for approval. Every time he says something to someone he follows it with, "please believe me when I say that." Brad, we believe you until you do something to make us not believe you. Like, following up everything you say with, "please believe me."

Chan cries and cries and cries in the car. I wonder if all those bracelets were hurting her? Or maybe someone told her about the dead peacock?

"I really thought Brad and I had that 'thing.'" --Chantal
That 'thing' is herpes.

Is that the same limo they used in "Pretty Woman?"

Brad can't explain the confidence he has. And I can't either. He isn't good with words, I imagine he's not that smart. Why is he so confident?

Chris gets paid another six figures to open the car door again.

Emily is anxious. She's 24 and has wanted to get married "for-ever."

Emily is so much prettier than most people. It's kind of ridiculous.

Brad doesn't know where to begin, but somehow he digs deep and finds the words. But, not until he takes a few deep breaths and a couple of awkward pauses. There it is!

"You're my once in a lifetime...please give me your forever." --Brad
That was cheesy, but the rest of it was kind of sweet. However, I don't think you can give someone forever. That's more God's role than anyone's.

Again. Sooooooo desperate for approval. He shows her the ring and then says, "I hope you like it."

"You made me the happiest guy since the first time I met you." --Brad
What? What. That makes no sense.

Well, of course he chose her. What idiot wouldn't choose her? He's going to give up drinking beer at 6pm for her. That's serious.

And finally.
It's over.
Another season of The Bachelor comes to an end.

We learned so much. Loved so much. Hurt so much.

Please note: I haven't fully watched "After the Final Rose" yet, but I have plans to do so and also do a follow-up blog on lessons learned from this season, the most dramatic season ever of...The Bachelor.

Monday, March 14, 2011

the bachelor: GUEST BLOG from ben rector.

My senior year in college I had the extreme fortune of leading six freshman gUrls in a Bible study. If I'm being honest, I agreed to do it because it gave me the opportunity to hang out with a bunch of freshmen and not look like a creepy senior. This Bible study was made up almost entirely of fellowshipping. Over the course of the year, one of the gUrls, probably the most precious one of the bunch, began to date the up-and-coming Ben Rector. He was a musician and I was leery that he would take precious gUrl Hillary for a terrible ride, but...the exact opposite happened and he actually married her and in turn, made me a huge fan of not only his music, but his hair, too.

Over the years I've learned that Mr. Rector, the musical genius that he is, also has quite a sense of humor and a deep and abiding love for The Bachelor. Hillary (SHOUT OUT, MRS. RECTOR) always tells me things he says while watching the show and I had to give him the opportunity to share his thoughts and finale predictions with the world (or the 12 people who read this). ENJOY.

Side note: If his music randomly pops up on my iTunes over the course of my day, I rarely change it. So, I feel like I should give him at least a little PR. He didn't ask me to do this at all. Check out his tunes here: Ben Rector Music.

I'm a fan of the Bachelor. I won't shy away from that fact, I won't even call it a guilty pleasure. I'll just say I'm a fan. I'm not one of those "I just watch it because my wife/girlfriend does it but I don't even like it" fans either. No, I started watching it on purpose and sucked Hillary in because I talked about it so much. If it's Monday and I'm home, I can guarantee I'm in front of my TV having a grand time watching and making fun of the Bachelor. So, when LC asked me to come out of the "bachelor loving closet" (a direct quote) and give my thoughts an audience, I agreed.

Let's be honest folks. The Bachelor is not about normal people finding a mate. This show is about people who want to be on TV almost never finding a mate. If you have any doubt about that statement, I made this chart for you.

So, before we go any further, we need to agree on that. The thought that thirty relatively successful, young, intelligent, very attractive women are unable to find someone to be with is a little bit foreign to me. If they asked me (and they didn't) to give husband finding advice to this group, I would say this:

Stay alive.

That's it. No steps, no formula, nothing. If you possess the aforementioned qualities and remain alive, I can almost guarantee you will find men that want to marry you. You certainly don't need to come on a show that has a shockingly poor track record of creating lasting relationships to find love. I'm not saying that the show
can't really work, I'm just saying that it doesn't really work. So if you're really looking for love, you should probably look elsewhere. But if you're looking for the chance to be filmed flying around the world to extravagant dates that are almost guaranteed to include a helicopter, you are in the right place.

I often find myself thinking about what must go on behind the scenes to create the situations that occur on the show. The date selection this season was laughable. I imagined the interview process...

Producer-"Emily, tell us about your last relationship."
Emily-"Well, I was in love with a race car driver who died in a private plane crash."
Producer-"Okay, great. We'll put you down for the racetrack group date and the private plane one on one."

What's that Chantal, your greatest fear is open water? Bet you'd love the walk on the ocean floor date!!! And Michelle, deathly afraid of heights? We'll help you find romance by dangling you off a building! I suppose some of that is necessary for "good" TV, but part of me would love to see the show with a few less set ups. It might not be as outrageous, but I'd like to believe we could find a happy medium. However, I also understand they've created something that you and I are both kind of invested in, that I am up late typing (you are currently reading) about, and that that is no small feat.

My prediction for the finale?

1. I think Brad will continue to speak like a camp counselor and will also continue saying things twice in a row.

"Wow. I did not see that coming. I did NOT see that coming."

"I am so excited for the western party tonight. I am SO excited."

2. I think we will hear the phrases "two incredible women" and "biggest day/decision of my life" thirty times.

3. I think Chris Harrison will continue having the easiest job in the world.

4. I think Brad will forgo the obvious choice (proposing to the lovely and quite normal Emily) and instead propose to Chantal. He'll cite Emily not being over Ricky Bobby and not being ready to make this kind of commitment as reasons, and I think she will handle it gracefully and continue being way too good for the show. I hope I'm wrong about this though.

5. I think Brad and Chantal will live happily ever after and in nine months be separated.

Thanks, ABC for a truly entertaining season. Thanks LC for letting me guest blog and for literally bringing my wife to tears every time we read your blog. I giggle. No tears.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

the bachelor: WTA.

This "Women Tell All" epi should be called "The Women Vaguely Describe Their Experiences." What a crock.

Chris came out and told us that fans are/were "angry" about Bach Brad being selected for a second season of this bullshit. I mean, I can see that, but who really wrote in to this show to express their emotion? I don't believe it.

Chrissy Poo sat down with the Bach and we got our 400th recap of the season. I basically learned ZERO from Bach's interview.

We were then treated to a really special clip of 70 or so rejects from former seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette casts making incredibly poor decisions. It was a real treat to see Vienna though! It was like seeing a gUrl from high school at church over Christmas vacay: you're totally pumped to talk about her after you walk away, but you're also terrified with face-to-face interaction. Gia said Vienna was her best friend, but then she called her a skank. Which, I can get behind because some of my closest friends are total skanks (SHOUT OUT).

Doesn't Chris want more for his life...for his career?

This is the part where I got really bored.
(Before, I was only partially bored.)

What happened to the Dentist? I swear I just saw her like, a week ago and she looked normal. Now she looks like a hairdresser from a small town in central Minnesota-- just doesn't quite work for her. And. I mean, no way you can get that tan in Philly. In the winter. Just no way.

That 32-year-old former waitress had some mega clips during the "drama" reel, as did Rachel.

Madison is weird, but I think we'd be friends.

BOOM. CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) gets ROASTED after the drama clips and we get our first real glimpse of her tank top covered in read that correctly: tank top covered in hearts.

Marissa was really upset that CAM called the gUrls "little gUrls." She actually said it was "hurtful," which made me laugh because...really? That's what hurt your feelings? That?! Grow up.

"It's not funny. It's FU$$E& up." --Jackie
My feelings about all of this. Really.

What is this drama about being in it for the "right reasons?" I'm sorry. It's a competition. It is. 30 gUrls for one dude. If you're really looking for a husband, there are better places to look with much better odds. Why leave your kid and all that garbage with the odds of success so low? Makes very little sense to me. And I'm not even a math major.

Melissa was so eager to "find love with Brad," but she wasn't eager to dress half-way decent on this show.

CAM called Melissa a "cougar" but, I think they are about eight months apart in age. Clearly, there's a very distinct age cutoff for Cougar classification that I'm unaware of.

Rachel, the manscaper, has to interject.

"I thought about this in great depth." --Rachel

#LOL. Bahahahaha. Yeah, right.

At least 12 gUrls blamed "drama" and other "ladies" for Brad not picking them...yes, that's why you weren't picked. Idiots.

This is the worst thing I've ever written on this web log, but: is it just me or is Melissa a really roughed up version of Gwyneth Paltrow? I mean, really rough.

CAM starts bawling almost immediately, but in between her chunky jewelry and her heart tank top she revealed just how vulnerable she is and Chrissy Poo thinks she is hilarious. What is she wearing? She had to have found every single article she has on in a completely different location than the other pieces. And it must have been dark. Like, real dark.

CAM, again, says she has no idea how she got a black eye. Come on, gUrl. COME. ON. It's a black eye, not a hang nail.

CAM put a lot of pressure on herself to find herself a husband, that's why she turned into a crazy-ass-shit-show. I mean, gUrl, I feel that. Everywhere I go I'm looking for a husband, but I've never given myself a black eye, I've never worn a tank top covered in just doesn't add up. If you really feel that much pressure and if you're really looking that hard for love: get on the damn internetS.

Stacey, the bartender (not from the Hills), got real personal when she called CAM a bad mother. I can't speak to that, but I seriously doubt she's ever won an award for mothering. But, she doesn't seem Dina Lohan-ish or anything. At least not yet.

"A spider? A SPIDER?!" --CAM
These people get upset about the weirdest shit.

"I couldn't even watch it." --Jackie
That's how I feel. I don't know how I do this week after week.

"I'm just being me. I don't know how else to be." --CAM
One of my favorite excuses of all time. I used to use it a lot.

I don't know that gUrl's name, but there's no way she could roll her eyes any farther back in her head. That was impressive.

The Babysitter sits down in the hot seat, but we didn't get to see them sing Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" again. I. AM. MAD.

I'm always so blown away by these gUrls, who all possess a brain, that legitimately think this is their one shot at love and this is a great way to find love. How did society get to this point? I didn't grow up thinking that my best option to find love was to go on television. I grew up thinking that going to church and joining a young-singles Sunday school class was the best way to find love.

The Dentist finally gets her shot. And...she has on glitter eye shadow and really bright red lipstick. gUrl, this is not your best look.

The Dentist is really upset that she blew her shot with Brad. I hope she's actually upset that she lost the competition, because I personally think that anybody who gets kicked off this show is getting an early Crimmas gift.

What was the voice when she said, "I feel like a changed woman. I really, really do." Maybe it was an inside joke. I hope so anyway.

Bach Brad comes out and...I have to give it to him. He really played up that charm, didn't he? And he has a good publicist who coached him very well: he complimented all the gUrls, he acted nervous and for a few minutes he made me feel like he wasn't a giant asshole. BUT, then I remembered this is a television show and it's all bullshit.


I fast forwarded through the orphanage part.
Judge me.

Chris says Brad isn't getting a third season... I really hope there's a legal document stating that somewhere.

I would enjoy watching this show more if they showed the clips of people laughing. Isn't humor good television, too?

Oh, good! Another recap! I wouldn't ever know what happened on this show if they didn't recap it every nine minutes. (That was me being really sarcastic and funny like CAM.)

I have no idea who Bach Brad is going to choose...I like Emily a lot. Therefore, I hope she doesn't get picked or that she runs like hell next week. She's way too good for this crap.

This was honestly one of the most boring things I've ever watched on television. Seriously. Can I sue the producers for false advertising for constantly telling me what I'm about to view is the most dramatic thing I've ever seen? You know what? Cowling Family Thanksgiving 2004 was 187 times more dramatic than this show has ever claimed to be. Hell, an episode of "Hannah Montana" could be more dramatic. I mean, that gUrl has a split personality and a father who is a complete enabler. Now, that's dramatic.

Side note: I'd like to give a SHOUT OUT to my gUrl, KATHAR, out in Malibu. She had a birthday yesterday, which was overshadowed by the Bachelor. HAPPY BURRDAY, gUrl.

Friday, March 4, 2011


In 1921, my grandmother, Bonnie Bell was born. With her birth, a whole new genre of greatness was born. And as you can figure out, her birth eventually lead to the Reg's birth, which ultimately lead to my birth, which gets us to this very moment in time.

Without my grandmother's life and her almost perfect portrayal of a stoic, yet loving, homemaker and southern woman I wouldn't be who I am. She was athletic, intelligent and crafty. She was MacGyver, but my grandmother. She loved the Lord and she loved me. She told me to do better, to try harder and then taught me how to do so.

She wasn't exactly "warm," but I've never experienced warmth and love like you could find at 500 Browning Street (literally and figuratively, because my grandfather was known to build a fire if the temperature dropped below 75) . She may not have been delicate, but she knew how to take care of things. And people.

I'd never call her a party animal, but when she laughed, everyone laughed. She couldn't carry a tune in a dump truck, but when she sang, everyone sang.

She made you want to do well and do right. She made you want to succeed and be the best.

She loved the Razorbacks and made sure no one wearing burnt orange ever entered her home.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't love chocolate chip cookies with the fervor that I do and really, I wouldn't think or act how I do.

She's the reason for so many things.
She was and is my hero.

If she were still alive, she'd be 90 in two days. I'd give anything to cut up a watermelon with her or put on an ugly pink suit and stand in front of a bush. Hell, I'd love to go to the lake and lay-out. I'd even be willing to sit and stare at a Christmas tree with her if it meant getting even a moment of her time.

Happy Burrday, Grandmother Bonnie. I really hope they serve pan-fried chicken and chocolate pie on Sunday-- or maybe some of that really weird fluffy pink stuff that you used to fancy. I'm still so proud to be your granddaughter...and I'm really sorry I live in Texas now.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

questions answered.

This is clearly where every ounce of my personality comes from.

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