the hills: over and done. (part 1).

The final epi EVER, of all-time, starts off with a piece of shit montage of drama. Basically it was all, "we weren't friends. We're immature. Blah, blah, blah. SCREAMING AT YOU. Blah. That guy is a crazy ass! BESTIES! Love is neat!"

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It's like, StephiePratt knows what's up. She has reached her good place and she wants everyone else there, too. AuddiePat tells her she has never reached her good place and suddenly, they are talking at once about a mid-20s life crisis. Auds calls it a crisis and you can hear StephiePratt say, "Wait! Don't call it a crisis!" gUrl, you have little to nothing going for you, especially with this show coming to and end. It's definitely a crisis.

**Side-note: I like that they didn't even try to fake us out by putting them in a restaurant. I mean, if this is it, let's put the bullshit aside. Am I right? I'm right.

"It's the time in all of our lives where we make the decision about who we want to be." --Lo-Lo

Um...No. That should've already happened. It's not like regular people just get to skip through years of their lives getting hopped up on coke while it's filmed and THEN decide who they are and what they want. No, that's always happening.

K-Cav needs a change, she says. She's going to load up that BMW and let Natasha Bedingfield take her on home. And out of our lives, for what will likely not be long enough.

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Now, it's on to the golf course. What do these idiots do to make their parents think they are productive people?

Are these guys really friends? Do they ever talk about anything but gUrls? I realize that, maybe, boys don't really talk about deep and meaningful things, but...I mean...one of their besties went crazy train on them and they don't even care?

The scene ends with a cliff-hanger. Well, are Bromance Brody and K-Cav still friends? I mean, why wouldn't they be?

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StephiePratt and Lo-Lo are perusing the shopping scene in Hollywood. Lo-Lo wants StephiePratt to be official with Tony Hawk Wannabe (THW). Stephie reveals that THW invited her to watch him MotoCross, but...it's two hours away! Lo-Lo tells her to put herself out there.

The living in sin conversation comes up again and of course, StephiePratt, the real-life moron, takes no thought in anything she says and tells Lo-Lo to get on it. Then, Lo-Lo tells us she's going to break her rule.

Some rule that was. Yes, Lo-Lo, rules were made to be broken, but not the ones that prevent us from breaking leases and losing money and all of that shit.

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Stacey, the Bartender turned BFF, and K-Cav are drinking wine and discussing Bromance Brody.

"Kristen, you knew this friends with benefits thing was not going to work." --STB

Wait, what was that? A valid statement out of someone's mouth?

K-Cav is just "kind of bummed" about everyone's life changing in a great way...because why would we be excited that our friends are doing well while we're mourning the loss of our no-strings attached relationship?

"It's time for me to go." --K-Cav

She said it.

"If I'm really going to move...I need to be completely uncomfortable and I need to be scared again and the only place I could really think about would be somewhere in Europe...I mean, I've never been." --K-Cav

"Do you know anyone out there?" --STB

Out there? Out there? We aren't talking about the frontier, here. And she's never been to Europe, but she's going to move there? And this is all because the King of the Bromance cut off sex.

This girl has some serious issues. She says she doesn't want to sit around and still be waiting for "that guy" in 10 years and immediately says, "Brody found his girl," then tells us she is NOT moving because of him. What a contradiction.

**Side-note: If this is going to be the introduction of the The Hills: Europe, I will seriously considering canceling my cable.

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StephiePratt makes her way to the dirt track to watch THW do his thang on his bike.

"You just like, ride a dirt bike, but then you're just like Care Bear." --StephiePratt

Way to put yourself out there, StephiePratt. That's a sure-fire way to get a guy to like you.

And then, suddenly, they are having a DTR. They don't want to see other people! They like each other!

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K-Cav surprises Bromance Brody at the pool with her news that she's moving to Europe for a little bit.

So, she's not doing it because of him, but she makes a special effort to surprise him at his pool. Why the hell is Bromance just swimming along in his pool all alone in the middle of the day?

"I'm not bitter...I wanted you to hear it from me and not someone else and I'm also having a little going away party." --K-Cav

"I'm not celebrating you leaving." --Bromance

Really? I am! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

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StephiePratt and Auds go and check out AuddieP's new digs on the beach. A random dude rides by on a bike and yells, "Tower 24!" Then Audrina says, "He's a lifeguard?!" And of course, StephiePratt says, "That's our new hang out!" Praise God the show is ending. I could not stand to watch these idiots hang out at a lifeguard tower all day. The only thing worse would be watching them hang out at a life guard tower in Europe.

StephiePratt reveals that she is now a girlfriend.

"Steph! You have been wanting a boyfriend for so long!" --Auds

Bah! It's not like she went and bought a new car...you don't just go out and get a boyfriend.

Then, Auddie decides she isn't going to K-Cav's going away party because she's trying to get out of the club scene. That's admirable and all, but when one of your fake besties is moving to Europe and invites you to a going away party, you get away from the club scene a day later. And you don't make it about you. She says she isn't going because she doesn't want to see Justin Bobby. Remind me to never move to Europe and expect my friends to come tell me bye.

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K-Cav's going away party looks much like all the other "parties" they have, minus that one girl randomly dancing in a floral one-piece by the pool.

Stacie the Bartender and K-Cav finally show up and everyone exudes fake emotion over a fake move to Europe. It's really cute. But, why don't they quit trying to fake me out? I mean, I know the show's ending and K-Cav isn't actually moving.

"If Brody doesn't show up it's all the more reason to show that I'm making the right decision and leaving." --K-Cav

BUT. This is NOT about Brody. Not. About. Brody.

Of course, because he's contractually obligated, Brody shows up. Lo-Lo tells K-Cav not to talk to her and StephiePratt tells her, "CLOSURE!" So, she does it.

When they show the close-up of K-Cav during her convo with Bromance Brody she looks pretty strung out. Like, really strung out. Her make-up looks days old and I bet her legs are tiny, meaning, K-Cav is definitely doing cocaine.

"A lot of people may miss you." --Brody

Notice he said, may miss you. So, that means a lot of people may not miss her.

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We head over to Scott's house, which is on the beach. Which, for a non-cast member of this show means he must have an actual job to afford those digs. Or something.

Scotty and Lo-Lo have a fairly serious convo about marriage and being together forever and it's cute and seems to be real. I think it's real because he says he wants to be with her forever and wants to marry her, you know if she does, and she says, "I wouldn't have shown up and made you carry all of these boxes if I didn't." Very valid point, Lo-Lo.

"You are perfect." --Scott

What?! All these years and I had no idea Jesus Christ was on The Hills!

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Is K-Cav really going to wear that to move to Europe? No way in hell. I mean, she has on ripped-up white jorts and heels.

Stacie the Bartender sends her off.

"Bye. Have a safe trip." --STB

Dude, it's not a trip. She's moving. You should've said, "Have a safe life. Skype me!"

THEN. In a twist Brody shows up and tells her, basically, that he's sorry for using her for sex and fun and that he never would've gone and started dating someone else if he knew she would just leave town. But, remember: she is not moving because of Brody. Why don't these people ever say what they mean? I totally get that it's a show, but they are humans with actual emotions and expressing them could still be good television.

K-Cav starts crying and Bromance puts her in the car as we're serenaded with an acoustic version of "Umbrella."

And just like that...it's over...

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As you can imagine that last scene really opened up a lot of doors for me. Other than needing a drink before 9 a.m. because of it, I'm also convinced that I will be needing to see a therapist, too and she'll make me talk about drinking alone in the morning and how that's not good and it's going to be a train wreck. And all because of those stupid producers.

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Part 2 of the hills: over and done will be post later today.

the hills: so stupid.

We meet up with Lo-Lo, Holly and StephiePratt at a restaurant. These people meeting up at restaurants is all for show. I bet they haven't actually eaten in years. They just drink and get a few nutrients off of limes and lemons. Holly lets the gUrlies know that her mom is coming into town.

"A mom never gives up on her kids." --Lo-Lo

Apparently Darlene hasn't met Spencer.

Then, they dish on Bromance Brody and K-Cav.

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We head into the gay-rage with the boyZ and of course, they do nothing but talk about K-Cav.

"I ain't gon' go cry about it." --Brody

In a bout of awesomeness they "take some bikes out."

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Holly heads to the airport to pick up Darlene and within nine seconds Darlene calls her generous and thoughtful, an obvious stab to her other daughter.

"I sat down with the gUrls and decided to write her off completely." --Holly

Way to ease into that news, Hols.

Holly says she's tried everything and Darlene is convinced she'll come around. Is this some foreshadowing into the future of now? Aren't we currently living in a world where Speidi is no longer one?

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Over at the Colony, not be confused with the early band of misfit states that made up our great nation, K-Cav and the Bartender are talking about...drumroll...BRODY. I swear she says, "I haven't talked to Brody, since like, rehab..." But, turns out, she said "Costa Rica."

Bromance has some new asshole at the clubZ with him and StephiePratt likes him right away.

Bromance texts the whole time and K-Cav whines that she's ignoring him. What did I miss? WHAT DID I MISS? They aren't dating. She said she was fine with that.

And what? The creeper Tony Hawk Wannabe walks StephiePratt out to the car and he puts his hair in a ponytail as a super sad Alicia Keys song plays in the background. Brody drives off and K-Cav gets into a cab. A cab?! She's definitely become a second-class citizen in this Colony.

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The Bartender and K-Cav meet up the next morning and hold some coffee and discuss K-Cav and Brody's impending conversation of retardedness.

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StephiePratt and Tony Hawk Wannabe go out on a date and it looks like they are going to two very different places. THW is headed to the hills to go skiiing and StephiePratt is headed to either, turn a few tricks or dance on a pole. Then, she orders a PEPSI. A PEPSI. But, then he orders a Sprite. That's not even possible. You can't order a Pepsi product and a Coke product at the same place. This isn't 7-11.

Then, they talk about really stupid, boring lame shit.

"I have real good parents." --StephiePratt

Is that a real sentence?

"I did hear that you had a DUI...glad to see you ordered a coke." --THW

No, THW, she ordered a PEPSI. A PEPSI!

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Lo-Lo and Scott celebrate their one-year anniversary, but no one even knew she was dating him. It was kind of sweet, but seriously, where did he come from?

He asks her to move in together. Oh, shacking up and living in sin, PRECIOUS. She holds her ground and doesn't say yes. She doesn't say no either.

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K-Cav and Brody are at K-Cav's house drinking wine. King of the Bromance flirts and bats his eyes.

"I put myself out there the last few months." --K-Cav

Is that her way of saying, "we had sex and now it's weird?"

K-Cav wants to try and wants a boyfriend. Bromance calls her out on her games, but then she gets kind of sweet and real and says she enjoys his company. But, wait, BOMBSHELL: Bromance has another gUrlie. He was terribly sweet about it and broke the news gently and the fact that she hasn't been on the camera is a sure-fire sign that it could be a real relationship. K-Cav, in all her wonderfulness, says, "good luck with this someone else." So sincere.

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There's lil' Lo-Lo and StephiePratt doing some yoga and dishing on THW. Lo-Lo drops the bomb about shacking up with Scott and tells us about her rule concerning not moving in with guys before engagement. Yet another move that proves she's the most sensible person on this show. And then, StephiePratt proves she's an idiot again and simply says, "Yeah, but no one else is like Scott." StephiePratt should not be allowed to give advice. Ever.

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We head to "lunch" with Darlene and Hols. They call Heidi 10.0. FAIL.

"I just want to hear from her, get in touch with her." --Darlene

Oh, Darlene, don't be so desperate.

"I just worry for her." --Hols

"She feels like she can't live in two worlds, she feels like she has to choose between us and Spencer." --Darlene

That's just like the Bible says!

Then, she starts crying and Holly starts crying and it's kind of sad, but also...I'm over it.

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Depressed K-Cav drags Lo-Lo out to a restaurant and I just want to know why they even go through the hassle of driving around town and parking and getting a table when they never even effing eat. Or order, for that matter.

We learn that K-Cav has a heart and she has real feelings for Bromance Brody. But, it's hard to feel sorry for someone who is such a slutty bitch.

"You can't let Brody Jenner make you feel like an idiot." --Lo-Lo

Wow, truest of true. Cause, if Brody is making you feel like an idiot, you must be an idiot.

"I completely put myself out there and he doesn't want me..." --K-Cav

I still don't think being friends with benefits with someone and then playing games and then trying to make him jealous and THEN saying, "I like you" is really "putting myself out there." I mean, it is...if you're in 10th grade.

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Next week, we'll watch the last. epi. ever. of The Hills.

Not sad.

Not even a little.

the hills: so boring they brought JB back.

"We're friends." --Brody

I'm so glad I'm not friends with any of these people.

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StacietheBartender meets up with K-Cav for a doggie play date. Of course, they dish on boys, friends with benefits and flirting.

They literally said, "Let's go out and flirt." So, they do...

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LoLo, has on some really tight jeans, as she walks in to meet up with her Kappa sister, McKaela. How did this meet up even happen? Oh, wait. I know-- it was forced!

"I would recommend being nice to Kristen. It's sort of a tough crowd." --LoLo

Does tough mean generally very rude and not friendly?

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"We're on the prowl tonight." --StacietheBartender

K-Cav and Stace head over to Venice and some guy in plaid asks where they are from and then screams, "Colorado?"

They are having a difficult time picking up guys, but I figure that'll happen if you go out to a random ass bar at like, 8pm on a Tuesday. Not everybody is an alcoholic with a television show to film, K-Cav.

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The Brody and McKaela are on a date. It's at a restaurant. A RESTAURANT. They even have plates! But, there's no food.

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StephiePratt and Auds are on a mission to find a handbag. Auds reveals that RyanCab was living with her for a while. WHAT. She also reveals that it was a little too much. Duh. That hair, 24/7?

Auds says she has to work this week. But, then she invites Stephie to tag along. Sounds like a job to me.

"I think I'm going to get this because it'll look good with a spray tan." --StephiePratt

Well, of course.

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Here comes McKaela with a resume! LoLo shows her around the studio and they both are dressed kind of like they are actually working.

This interview is really lame. The guy asks her literally, 4 questions and says, "Perfect. See you at 9am tomorrow." I mean...I know she's a pretty girl and not fat and supposedly has a college degree, but is it really that easy to get a job? In this economy? WTF.

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K-Cav is doing some reps at the gym, Richard Simmons style. It's totally obvious that John is not an actual trainer. He's a big guy. I bet MTV paid him 30 bones because he was available at 2pm on a Tuesday.

StacietheBartender, who apparently carries a shovel around in her purse, comes to the gym to once again, DIG UP THE PAST. Let's talk about the past, Bartender, didn't you try to hook up with SpencerBoy?

"It's sad that you guys are friends and he's taking this girl that he barely knows over you. It's just rude." --StacietheBartender

But, actually, that is kind of what happens...

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AP, LoLo and StephiePratt are at AP's job in their rocker clothes to check out Purple Melon, the band, not the fruit.

They are terrible.

Out of nowhere, AP says she needs to leave because lo and behold, JUSTINBOBBY is on the stage!

"Justin's band is up there." --AP

"Wait. What? Justin's in a band?" --StephiePratt

"I thought that was always a joke." --LoLo

"Like a muppet." --LoLo

This was one of the greatest scenes ever on television. I think LoLo and StephiePratt were genuinely surprised by the fact that JB is in a band and they really didn't know. What doesn't this guy do? I mean, he does hair and make-up, rides motorcycles, cooks, wears boots on the beach and now, we learn he's a drummer. This is what you call a modern renaissance man.

JB takes off all of his clothes and eventually, after the drinks kick in, AP is having a great time, clapping along and forgetting about her JoeSimpson knock-off of a boyfriend.

AP wants to say hi to JB and JB thinks she came to just see him and then, much like a meth addict, he spits out like 17 questions at her. She says, "So many questions," and switches the subject to his hair. Good move. Don't talk about anything that matters, AP.

"I can't believe he's in a real band." --StephiePratt

As opposed to all the fake bands out there.

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RyanCabbiePatch shows AP around his house and I wonder how he can afford this house when he hasn't had an album out in years, much less a song on the radio. Does he still have a record deal? I'm going to get a record deal and buy a house.

AP starts getting weird and she knows she needs to tell the CabbagePatchDoll about JB. But, duh, she doesn't.

"I leave Thursday for like, 4 shows." --Ryan

"Maybe thats a good thing." --AP

I doubt that was the response he was looking for.

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Look! LoLo is at work and the new intern, McKaela, is there, too! LoLo wonders if Brody has feelings for other people.

"Be observant." --LoLo

I feel like, typically, when you're warning someone about a relationship, you tell them to be careful or something, but rarely, if ever do you tell them to be observant.

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The girlies are going out on the town. StephiePratt and K-Cav are hanging out together like K-Cav has totally forgotten that StephiePratt told her legs were tiny or something! How do you just forget something like that, K-Cav?

Stacie states for the 19th time this episode that she and K-Cav are on a man hunt. We get it.

Brody and TayTay show up and tell the girlies they are just raging. What the hell does that even mean? Clearly, he and I have different definitions of the word "rage."

Brody finally, after a few minutes of being pushed into it, apologizes to K-Cav for starting to date someone while he was banging her on the side. Stand up move, Bro.

JB walks in looking homeless.

"I don't think Spike's going to like this." --JB

I can only assume he's talking about Ryan and now, that is the best nickname for anyone ever.

AP is obviously nervous around JB and he's really trying to have a conversation, but she's making it difficult.

"Don't tell anybody."--JB

Well, she won't have to tell anybody, not only was a television show filming her hanging out with JB, but a whole bar saw it and commented on it.

Brody and K-Cav leave together. BECAUSE THEY ARE FRIENDS.

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Alright, seriously...this show is boring. I've been getting a lot of flack for blogging about it and it's getting harder and harder to defend it when nothing is evening happening on it. If the Pratties aren't back next week, there might not be a re-cap. Relax, I said might.

the hills: just friends.

Bro-Bro and K-Cav are enjoying, what's probably a Tuesday, with Jager bombs. Which, you would think after Bro-Bro's last gUrlie he'd stay away from that. I mean, do we not remeber Jay-de drinking Jager straight out the bottle at a party Bromance had?

Apparently Bro-Bro and K-Cav aren't dating, but they are dating...others.

Bro-Bro is still enjoying being single. As many times as he's said that, I'm even starting to believe him.

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We meet up with AuddiePat and Joe Simpson's failed project. In a weird twist, Ryan says, "well, thanks for lunch, baby. " like AuddiePat cooked/fixed lunch for him It's a big, strange world, my friends.

They discuss AP wanting to hang out with her "friends" and Ryan at the same time. It turns into CabbiePatch saying he's going to read "Catcher in the Rye" in a candy thong. What's a candy thong and how does he know about that book?

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StephiePratt and LoLo are strolling through LA. Stephie is ready for a man. After all, she's sober now. She claims to have let go of the Heidi and Spencer "baggage." But...this is MTV...yeah, right and who lets go of baggage that quickly...especially when you're a "recovering" alcoholic and it's your family? Her therapist must be on call 24/7.

"What'd you do today?" --LoLo

"Oh, I had an AA meeting." --StephiePratt

She always says shit like that so calmly, which both alarms me and makes me happy for her. I mean, she's not ashamed of it, but also...kind of a big deal to be in AA, not something you should just be glossing over all the damn time.

LoLo and "Scott" are setting StephiePratt up on a date, but she's super nervie that the guy might be worried about her being sober. I feel that, sister. But, I'm not sober. So, I don't.

"In a normal world, I should've just started drinking two years ago." --StephiePratt

Yeah, well this isn't a normal world and I'm sure you were 21 when you started drinking. Sure.

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The besties, K-Cav and Auds are bestie-ing it up by eating popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. At one point, I think I saw someone actaully put a handful of food into their mouth. But, I watched the scene again and realized that it didn't happen.

AuddiePat encourages K-Cav to not get attached to Bromance Brody, she claims she isn't, but immediately picks up the phone to call him...and of course....he's schmoozin' some other lady (note: the word lady is being used loosely here).

Basically, K-Cav is upset that she's losing her benefits of being the King's friend.

The date between Brody and McKhaela (how the hell does she spell her name?) was painful.

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CharlieBra and Bromance are puttin' around the golf course. CAN THESE PEOPLE AT LEAST ACT LIKE THEY MIGHT HAVE JOBS AND BE REGULAR ADULTS IN THE WORLD?

CharlieBra thinks Brody should be cautious about bringing McKhaela around the flock of wild animals.

"She got all quiet and weird. Like a chick." --Brody, about K-Cav's reaction to his new gUrlie

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StephiePratt and AuddiePat are just playing hangies.

Somehow, in the middle of a conversation about hanging out with their "friends" and RyanCabbagePatch StephiePratt makes the conversation about her date with MaxiPad. It was a really interesting spin on her part. I couldn't believe how smooth she made it seem. She clearly thought the conversation was about her the whole time. God forbid someone else share details about their life, StephiePratt.

She seems most excited about her date based on the simple fact that he has a car. Valid. I'm thinking she's excited about that because of her whole DUI thing and now, she won't have to worry about driving drunk, MaxiPad can do it.

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We go to Jane's House and McKhaela mets the gUrlies. It's a big shit fest of love and StacietheBartender is even there! Basically, it was a waste of production money to even film this idiotic group gathering.

Brody created drama. K-Cav got bitchy.

Bromance and McKhaela left early.

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In a new move from the show, we meet up with K-Cav and StacietheBartender the "next morning" de-briefing about all the previous evening's happenings. K-Cav refuses to call McKhaela by her name and refers to her simply as, "that girl."

In a twist, StacietheBartender tells K-Cav, "I told you so."

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StephiePratt and LoLo are going on a date. Question: When did LoLo get a boyfriend? Why didn't we know this and why have we never seen him? Seems mighty convenient, Hills Producers. Might convenient.

"What color shoes are these, just black?" --LoLo about an obviously black pair of shoes

StephiePratt doesn't want to wear the hot shoes because she doesn't want MaxiPad to think she's all slutty and stuff, remember: she's also got to tell him that, at the young age of 23, she's a recovering alcoholic and has baggage in the form of a crazy-ass-brother (CAB) who carries trunks of crystals around in his car.

We learn that MaxiPad is a model, but he's young! He's only 24! No! But, they are making it seem like he has a job. Win. Win. Win.

MaxiPad asks StephiePratt for her number. It was kind of awkward and cute, but that could've been because he was forced to ask her for it. Or because he actually did it on his own and he was really nervous. Toss-up.

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K-Cav and Brody meet up at his bachelor pad and K-Cav, AGAIN, refuses to hug Brody. So, basically, she'll hit it with this guy, who she isn't dating, but she won't freely give him hugs. Bold.

"I said hello to her!" --K-Cav

"You said hello and then you sat down with the wolfpack and ksdjfhkhfgkgfhgkhkdfgsh!" --Brody

K-Cav bares her soul to Bromance and tells him he needs to get his shit together and not be all over other girls in front of her. Then, she says they are friends. Then, she tells him to shut up like four times and she gets up and leaves. She really got her point across. I mean, what was her point? She was giving it up and now she's disappointed that he's no longer interested in taking it?

These people are so all over the place.

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This epi was super lame and boring because The Pratties were not involved at all. We only got a brief mention of them! I'm guessing this is because the gUrlies decided to "cut them out of their lives forever." But...when has that actually ever happened on this show? I mean, not too long ago K-Cav and AuddiePat were physically fighting each other over JustinBobby and now they are daytime hangies all the time.

On the positive side, I didn't need a Xanax this epi, but I also almost fell asleep. Multiple times.

the hills: crazy like an elephant.

We start off this rager of an episode with King of the Bromance, Brody, and K-Cav taking a stroll on the beach. They're discussing their priorities. At the top of the list-- a birthday party at the Pratties for lil' baby Enzo, who is turning six. K-Cav says she might not go, "I don't really like being around Spencer anymore." Anymore? Try ever. Brody sulks over AuddiePat and Ryan Cabrera's relationship, so naturally he and K-Cav decide to cuddle on the beach.

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We make our way over to the Pratties, where Heidi 10.0, is planning a birthday party. SpencerBoy, whose acting is getting worse and worse, shows up and acts completely shocked at the sight of someone other than just 10.0 being at his house. He all but throws up because his crazy-ass-wife (CAW) has hired a party planner for some random neighbor boy's birthday party. Can't fault him too much there. I would feel weird about hosting some paid actor's sixth birthday party at my home, too.

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The boyz meet up a garage, where Brody invites a new car to go bowling with him. Really, it's an old car. But, whatever. Do these guys really sit around and talk about gUrls like this all the time? I mean...they sound like junior high gUrls. I'm just guessing, but I have strong assumptions that these guys are actually nothing like junior high gUrls. We just never see that side to them. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt, but only because they wear a lot of black, which is a total boy thing to do. Unless you're a depressed junior high gUrl.

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The gang decides to blow some steam off at the bowling alley this week. Of course, where else do young Hollywood attention whores go to blow off steam? Bromance Brody is quite the bowler and K-Cav is quite the celebrator. Brody totally feels up K-Cav in front of everyone and she lets him. StacietheBartender, who still shouldn't be around these people, and Frankie have a sit-down with K-Cav and say stupid shit about Brody liking her. The whole scene is almost exactly like what all my junior high bowling experiences were like. Minus the getting felt-up and the celebrating. I usually bowled around a 56 every time I bowled, so there was little to celebrate.

AuddiePat and Joe Simpson's 3rd greatest musical prodigy walk in. In an effort to build himself up, Brody and his boy, CharlieBra, immediately begin making fun of Ryan. Behind his back. Of course. Why would you be nice to someone who so-clearly has no career or future or style and just needs a friend?

"There's no couple between me and Kristen." --Brody

"Ya flirtin' though." --Frankie

If that is what it takes to be in a couple, I know a lot of couples. A lot. Are we seeing the junior parallels again already?

Joe Simpson Junior (JSJ) and AuddiePat are having a sit down and JSJ is desperately trying to figure out the dynamics of the group. Here's a clue: this isn't an actual group. It's a bunch of skeezy young people in Hollywood who get together every few weeks and flim scenes for a television show.

Brody, being the ultimate hater, desperately tries to make AuddiePat jealous and displays an ultimate amount of affection for K-Cav by putting his arm around her in front of AuddiePat! The audacity.

Where this whole bowling fiasco was extremely weird and awkward, the most weird and awkward thing was that K-Cav was drinking wine. Who the hell drinks wine while bowling? I can't imagine walking into a bowling alley and saying, "Let me see your list of cabs."

-----

During the middle of the day, AuddiePat and K-Cav decide to blow off some more steam and go buy shoes. I guess AuddiePat still isn't back in "work mode" after Miami.

Rant: Dear Hills Producers, this is so staged. Do you really think we think AuddiePat and K-Cav are friends? I mean, come on. Like, just one day they decided to put their differences aside and be friends? No way.

AuddiePat asks K-Cav about Enzo's birthday. K-Cav plays hard to get with everyone. She can't commit to anyone who asks her if she's going somewhere. Newsflash, K-Cav: your contract requires you to be at all this stupid shit, so just say you're going. **Apparently, I was wrong. She wasn't required to go to the party. Who knew?

"I'm not going. Spencer's crazy." --AuddiePat

"CRAZY." --K-Cav

-----

Finally, we make it over to the Pratties for the birthday party of the year. Obviously, this six-year-old child needs to be surrounded by Perez Hilton's favorite gang of idiots, so the gang all shows. SpencerBoy is really into the party.

"This is the most fun I've had at a party in a long time. Truly....because this is the first time I've been at a party where there aren't people that I want to murrrrrrrrr-rrr-ddddeeeeeer." --SpencerBoy

Well, that's nice that he doesn't want to murder all the cute little six-year-olds. But, oh wait, the small children that actually are at the party are walking around pretending to murder people.

"Where's your sister?" --Brody

"I have a sister? That was my old life." --SpencerBoy

Your old life, Spence? Just last week you yelled and screamed that this non-existent sister of yours is, in fact, your sister and isn't relevant to your life. In or out, buddy. In or out.

When SpencerBoy notices the little boy pretending to murder all of his innocent little friends at the birthday party he tells the whole gang of people, who in no way should be attending a six-year-old's birthday party, that he's going to send the boy to murder Heidi's mother. Brody, being the inquisitive and caring chap that he is, inquires why and SpencerBoy declares something completely and totally creepy about being raped emotionally.

The conversation continues and the whole gang chimes in to defend Darlene, Heidi's mother, who is NOT God. SpencerBoy isn't having it and starts a rant about God making Heidi. Then, he says he's going to carry Holly off the property if she keeps defending Darlene, who isn't God.

"I need a fu#$@&* drink now." --Holly

Noted.

I'm willing to bet that type of conversation rarely happens at a birthday party for a small child. Not the drink part, everything else. I bet a lot of people need a drink after a six-year-old's birthday party. Especially that one.

But, my real question is this: where the hell are Enzo's parents? Paid actor or not this child does not need to be around these people. At this point, it'd be better for Enzo to be living on the streets and binge drinking than to be riding an elephant in the Pratt's backyard.

----

"I want this to be the best relationship ever." --JSJ

"So, are we exclusive?" --AuddiePat

"You mean, you thought we weren't?"

"No, I knew we were."

Was that real? Well, even if it wasn't and JSJ is only on this show to re-start his career, at least JustinBobby isn't around and AuddiePat is "so happy." Props to her for dropping the commando-boots-at-the-beach-wearing idiot.

-----

K-Cav must be in some type of alcohol program because she's drinking wine again. She meets up with Brody, who owns actual clothes and they discuss Enzo's birthday party.

"It was awkward, because I don't know Enzo that well." --Brody

Is that really why it was awkward? Or was it because SpencerBoy is crazy and was threatening to kill everyone while a kid rode an elephant in the background? Toss-up.

-----

About the time we make our way to the Pratties my head is close to exploding. Really close. Which is funny because we were just seconds away from seeing SpencerBoy's head explode, too!

The sisters are discussing elephant shit (literally) when SpencerBoy walks in and declares the vibe in the house is a little tense.

When Holly tells SpencerBoy she felt disrespected for the way SpencerBoy was talking about Darlene, who is not God, SpencerBoy's head literally did that thing that cartoon character's heads do when they get really big and red and steam comes out. No joke.

"For me, that was the best, I was proud of myself, for not doing what I wanted to do to you, because what I wanted to do to you and say to you dear, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I didn't because I was praying. Praying like I do everyday to not say the things that I want to say to you, to your mom..." --SpencerBoy

Finally, SpencerBoy's CAW interrupts him and asks him to calm the hell down. SpencerBoy offers an incredibly heartfelt apology to Holly and then begins another rant about being emotional and saying what he feels. It was all a little much to take in. I'm going to get on anti-depressants soon because of it.

"I didn't say anything negative about your mom." --SpencerBoy

Dude, didn't you say you wanted to send a kid with a gun to Colorado to kill her?

At this point it gets real.

Holly starts quoting scripture (using that phrase loosely) and SpencerBoy tells her, "this isn't Bible study, it's Earth." What? That doesn't even make sense. I've been to Bible study. They all have taken place on Earth. Every single one of them.

"You're not her sister, you're not her friend, you're a liar! You're the biggest poser in this town, you know it and you're GOING TO BURN FOR IT! Go back to your real estate job, you freakin' liar!" --SpencerBoy

"I'm sorry that was really out of line." --Heidi

Wait. What? Is she a poser because she has a real estate job? Now, suddenly, people with actual jobs are posers? There is no rationale to that statement. Oh, what am I saying? He's the most irrational person to ever be born.

"All I do is love you and if he doesn't like me we'll never be ok." --Holly

"That's not true, it doesn't matter if he likes you or not, you can call me!" --Heidi

"I don't even have your number! He's always with you. He scares me!"

"He doesn't scare you."

"He scares me."

What an emotional scene between sisters. Does Holly really not have Heidi's phone number? For serious? If that's true then how did Holly arrange to come over to the PrattPad? And how does that happen? Do they just follow each other on Twitter? Even if that's the case that wouldn't get Holly very far because Heidi's tweets are usually about working out and eating pizza or her "album," which I bet sucks worse than anything else in the world sucks.

Finally, Holly leaves and Spencer screams at her as she walks away. He tells her to walk back to Colorado because nobody wants her in Hollywood. That may be true, but does that really mean she needs to walk back to Colorado?

-----

I need a Xanax.

the hills: crystal crazy train.

Well, another week and another episode.

Another list of reasons to either jump off a bridge or stab yourself.

Take your pick.

-----

We begin with K-Cav trekkin' on over to AuddiePat's for an afternoon snack...drink...no, just an afternoon confrontation.

"After Miami, just trying to catch up on my sleep and get back in work mode." --AuddiePat

Work mode?! You and K-Cav are shooting the shit in the middle of the day, in a house, that you clearly cannot afford.

K-Cav is super pumped about AuddiePat getting into work mode and tells her she's having a party. AuddiePat totally wants to bring her new musician boif, Ryan Cabrera.

The shit hit the fan early when K-Cav just kicks the giant elephant in the room and goes right ahead and asks who is spreading rumors about her drug habits-- her parents have heard about it-- this stuff has to stay under wraps.

"Because I didn't go out with you, I'm on drugs?" --K-Cav

I find it completely absurd that those pesky Hills Producers think I believe AuddiePat and K-Cav are friends. Especially when AuddiePat blurts out every opportunity she gets that, "I don't know you that well, Kristin!" Everyone get serious. K-Cav knows the Hills Producers started the "rumors" because they saw her doing a line of coke.

-----

DUI Daughter, StephiePratt, is back behind the wheel and she's not texting and driving, but she is trying to read Lo's phone while driving. Lo gets super pumped about "something somebody sent her," but I'm fairly certain it was an update from TMZ. Not an actual something from an actual somebody. Good try.

The "something" is all about K-Cav's super skinny legs and partying in Miami. Lo and StephiePratt are sad, but excited for the "party."

"Why does Spencer ignore you? He's your brother." --Lo

Who cares, just go with it.

-----

The Pratties, Honey and Dear, are eating at a restaurant. But, I use the term eating loosely. SpencerBoy doesn't want to be around civilians and Heidi just wants a connection with family.

-----

K-Cav, who clearly doesn't have a drinking OR a drug problem, decides it's time to talk to a real friend, so she heads to the bar to talk to StacieTheBartender, who is in the middle of making a drink for absolutely no one because the bar is absolutely empty.

K-Cav has a gut feeling that StephiePratt is spreading "those" rumors and she needs a drink. Like I always say, when people think you're a druggie-alcoholic with skinny legs you should hang out in bars and then invite people who you think are spreading the rumors to a party at your house. Works like a charm. Fight fire with fire.

Still having a hard time accepting that StacieTheBartender is a regular on this show.

-----

We meet up with King of the Bromance, Brody, and his croanie, Frankie, at the river court. They just want to shoot some hoops (poorly) and talk about girls. It's what all normal 20-somethings do in the middle of the day.

Why does Brody have issues (from the past) with Ryan Cabrera? That's like me having issues with a My Little Pony.

-----

Finally, the party of the century begins and all of LA descends upon Casa De Cav Nasty. It's a really hopping party that everyone keeps calling a barbecue, but I saw no signs of actual barbecue. Hell, I didn't even see a grill.

StacieTheBartender wants to know where AuddiePat and CabCab met. Bromance Brody brings in a 24-pack of Bud Light and SpencerBoy, always wanting to out-do people, brings a giant ass crystal and his stupid-ass wife.

After a round of surgery hugs from Heidi, SpencerBoy puts it this way, "crystals have calmed me down a lot."

Finally, K-Cav and AuddiePat confront Bride of Frankenstein (BoF). Immediately K-Cav grabs one of Heidi's boobs.

"Are you done? You're done." --AuddiePat

"Well, I don't know. I might get my boobs done again. I want H's for Heidi." --BoF

This idiotic statement was met with a look of pure horror from AuddiePat. AuddiePat does have emotions and we just saw them for the first time.

Finally, Brody confronts SpencerBoy about the shit dangling from his neck.

"This is the key to the Atlantis." --SpencerBoy

At the ever-so-perfect moment of K-Cav being pissed about the "rumors" going around and letting BoF in on the drama, StephiePratt and Lo-Lo walk into the party.

"Your sister is over there." --Brody

"Will people stop referring to her as my sister? We have not seen birth certificates. We have not seen evidence." --SpencerBoy

That's harsh for even you, Spence. And do you think she likes going around town being known as your sister? I'd say it's worse for her.

Again, K-Cav kicks the giant elephant in the room and asks straight up, "Are you guys going around telling people a bunch of stuff that didn't happen?" StephiePratt says IF K-Cav was doing drugs she would respect K-Cav and not tell people she was because she knows about the stigma attached to drug use. What. the. hell. So, you'd just let your "friend" do drugs and NOT tell anyone...because of the "stigma" attached to it. Sure, alright.

Lo-Lo convinces StephiePratt to talk to SpencerBoy before they leave the party. It turns out to be the worst idea in the history of ideas since somebody cast AuddiePat in an actual, budgeted movie that was released to the public for its viewing pleasure.

Literally, SpencerBoy goes ape shit because his non-confirmed sister decides to be cordial and utter a phrase in his direction. It was the most awkward thing I've ever seen on television.

"What are you crying about Stephanie? What the F are you crying about? That's why you're not in my life, you crazy bitch, because you come to barbeques and just start crying! I was enjoying time with my wife and I get crying sisters in front of me!" --SpencerBoy

"She just wanted to say hi." --Lo

First off, SpencerBoy says to StephiePratt that she is his sister, so I guess it has been confirmed and he's just not happy about the results. Second, what the hell, dude? Spence was making crazy eyes, yelling about StephiePratt being relevant, which let's be honest, she is the exact opposite of relevant, but come on! That was all a little dramatic and a little weird. AuddiePat confirms that SpencerBoy is off his rocker.

-----

Lo and StephiePratt meet up for a meal and absolutely no food was eaten. They seriously just sit at restaurants and gossip.

-----

And, in what could be the most real conversation to ever happen on this show, CharlieBra tries to speak to SpencerBoy about his crystals.

Spence just doesn't like that his family and his wife's family are trying to be involved in his life. The crystals aren't working and he's clearly forgotten all about the Gospel he was so hyped up about six months ago.

"What are you going to do, build the biggest walls and just guard yourself off from reality forever?" --CharlieBra

"I'm trying. That's why I'm trying to keep it in my crystals." --SpencerBoy

"Well, I don't think the crystals are working, man, cause you're hyperventilating over here. Why don't you take them off? You're crazy. You've lost it." --CharlieBra

Finally, somebody with some common sense has spoken into Spence's life. What is up with the crystals and the hippie clothes and the weird bird feathers? I mean, this is a whole new direction I didn't see coming. At all. SpencerBoy looks like a school janitor with all the shit he has dangling from his clothes. Just substitute keys and key rings for crystals and potions.

It's completely obvious this lifestyle have turned The Pratties into a real, live, straight-up freak show. I can see the marquee now: Crystal Boy of Doom and Bride of Frankenstein coming to a town near you!

Spencer's got a ticket for one on the crazy train. His wifey redeemed her ticket and is already half-way there and back.

----

StephiePratt and K-Cav meet up and for some idiotic reason StephiePratt thinks they are meeting at a restaurant to eat. TO EAT?! StephiePratt, restaurants are not for eating! They are for background shots!

"We don't have to be best friends!" --K-Cav

False. According to the show's contracts you do.

"What? Are you drunk right now?" --StephiePratt

The conversation between StephiePratt and K-Cav was like watching two 8th graders argue. I can't even put any more effort into talking about it.

----

I'm going to need to be drunk to watch the rest of this season.

the hills: new and not improved.

Well, finally. It's back. PTL, this is the last season though.

I know a thing or two about train wrecks and honey, this show is a train wreck.

-----

We started off with a bit of a recap and thankfully, they showed Spencer wearing that God forsaken cowboy hat, which I think should get a spin-off when all of this is over with.

-----

We meet up with Lil' Lo and StephiePratt. I find it completely interesting that Lo says, "Hey gUrl, what's up?" And non-chalantly StephiePratt says, "Just had an AA meeting." I mean, it was literally like she was saying, "Oh, nothing, just running some errands. Bought some tampons at Target. NBD."

"I'm only 23 and I've been to jail twice...that's not normal." --StephiePratt

"Are you allowed to go out with us?" --LO

"I'm not grounded." --StephiePratt

Immediately Lo asks if StephiePratt can go out, because that's what you do when you're friend is attending AA-- you ask her to go out. After a little bit of a rundown about who and what is going down in Miami (that's what she said) StephiePratt has suddenly changed clothes and has fixed her hair differently! Oh, Hills Producers, you cannot fool me! I know your typical viewer demographic is a group of borderline mentally challenged teenagers, but come on! It's a completely different outfit and her hair is totally different!

When StephiePratt says she hasn't seen her brother or Heidi in months, Lo breaks it down for her...

"Eyebrow lift, ears pinned back, nose job, chin job, boob job, BUTT job." --LO

"Butt job? ...How do, how do you add...?" --StephiePratt

----

We make our way over to the Pratties and well, Heidiiiiiiiiiii's got a new face (SHOUT OUT! VAMPIRE WEEKEND)! SpencerBoy doesn't want wifey going to Colorado, but that should be the least of his worries-- he should be worried about going out in public wearing that necklace.

-----

What up, MIAMI?!

We meet up with the Bromance crew and all the single ladies about to get their RAGE on, but first let's do some jet skiing!

I've somewhat decided that Lo sits around in her spare time and reads Ok! Magazine and US Weekly. How else does she know all that she knows? Surely, SURELY, she's not just sitting around making shit up and then saying it out loud? gUrl, you gotta keep some thoughts to yourself! Come on!

-----

When we make it to Casa Montag in Colorado we open up with a montage of family photos. Smooth, Hills Producers. Smooth. Please remind me of how cute and normal looking Heidi was before she went all Bride of Frankenstein on me.

Darlene musters up some enthusiasm to answer the door, but it fades quicker than Heidi's solo music career did. Tears start flowing like the Nile.

"Don't touch anything..." --Holly, in reference to Darlene touching Heidi and after Heidi told her to "be careful with everything."
We are dealing with fine China here, people.

"What? You act like you have a new face or something?" --Heidi

Bitch, you do have a new face! There's no other way to put it!

The conversation between BoF (Bride of Frankenstein) and her mother is seriously one of the saddest things I've ever seen on tv. Seriously, next to Old Yeller and the series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, this is it! This girl must have had her brain nicked during the ear-pinning process. Darlene is crying for a reason and it ain't because her daughter's jaw is "kind of locked up," it's because her daughter is married to a son of a bitch and now she's got psychological issues.

"Is that permanent?" --Darlene

Things took a real turn for the worse for me when Heidi compared her surgeries to brain surgery, or even "huge surgery." Darlene is doing nothing but trying to understand BoF and Holly is sitting in the corner shaking her head. I'm guessing Holly is shaking for two reasons: first off, she needs a drink. For sure. And two, she had to sit on a plane for two hours and look at Heidi and listen to her justify her completely irrational decision to have 10 surgeries done and then compare it to brain surgery. I'd be in a corner shaking and rocking myself, too, Holly.

"This is what I chose and there's nothing that I can take back." --Heidi

Yes, exactly! That's what the big deal is, you idiot.

-----

Back to Miami where the Red Bull flows like water and black rompers are the new jeans and a halter top.

The gUrlies are drinking and making obligatory toasts to "friendship." It's shit like that that confirms this crew is far from being an actual crew and closer to being something more along the lines of people who hate each other and only hang out when they have to film their reality tv show. I don't know. I could be wrong. I'm not.

King of the Bromance, Brody, and his band of BoyZ barge in and make yet another toast, but this time they toast to friendship AND raging. I'd have to rage to be friends with these people and fool myself into thinking we are close enough to make toasts about being friends. I see their options are limited.

When they finally make it out to the clubs, Brody and Auds walk to the bar by themselves and K-Cav decides she wants to shoot herself in the head. I'm there with you, gUrl.

-----

The sun is rising in Miami and so are all the single ladies. These bitches are looking R-O-U-G-H.

StephiePratt, being the huge idiot that she is, asks AuddiePat why just she and Brody went to the bar. She made it seem like the two went on a date or something simply because they walked 13 feet together without buffers. I could think of better ways to start drama than that. Come on!

When Lo asks what time everyone went home and K-Cav exclaims, "Like, 5..." you would've thought the girls just found out Santa Claus isn't real AND that they may be forced to actually get jobs in the very near future by the shocked looks on their faces. Granted, 5am is a little late to stay out, we're talking about K-Cav here, not your grandmother. Are you really that shocked? Doubtful.

The look on K-Cav's face when all the gUrlies thought staying in would be fun, was completely priceless. It's like she was sitting in on a Senate Finance Committee hearing or something. She was not happy.

-----

Back to Colorado and BoF's preshie little stepfather is desperately trying to make everything alright and he asks her all of these questions and tries to listen to her and the next thing you know he says he face looks "frozen." Oops, dad. Oops.

The food comes and in a dramatic move for The Hills-- SOMEONE TRIED TO EAT. But, of course, this person's jaw is "kind of locked" and can't eat. Oh, so tricky you Hills Producers!

"I'm just having a mature conversation with a brilliant, articulate woman." --BoF's mom

Cue look of complete horror and distain from BoF. She was so offended that her mother called her mature, brilliant and articulate. I was a little offended too, because clearly...she is none of those things. Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em.

How is little brosef dealing with all of this? I mean, I am going to call up the Montag Casa and volunteer to pay all of his therapy bills. He's like 15, this can't be good for him to see. Well, actually it's not good for any of us to see.

-----

Back to Miami, where the heat is on and they party all night to the break of dawn (SHOUT OUT! VAMPIRE, CRAZY).

The gUrl crew minus K-Cav is chilling in the hotel looking all fly and shit (thanks, Fergie), which leads me to believe these gUrls are not staying in for the night. If I'm staying in for a night, the last thing I do is wash my hair and the second to last thing I do is put shoes on. Lo decides it's ok to leave her and then StephiePratt chimes in with her brilliant commentary and thinks this is all happening because AuddiePat and Bromance Brody walked to the bar the night before. But, no...Lo thinks she's on drugs. Two different perspectives. I like the angles we're going with here.

"None of us need to be in a space where there's drugs, where there's crack heads, like..." --LO

I couldn't agree more.

Cue K-Cav and nasty bartender Stacie taking shots at the club. Where did she come from? Do the editors on this show even try anymore?

-----

Another day has come and the gUrls bust up into K-Cav's hotel room, in what could possibly be the funniest scene of all-time on The Hills. It was like a real reality tv show there for a second. And who were those croanies crawling out of K-Cav's bed? So many questions.

Many applause to K-Cav for jumping out of bed like a champ though. That's what I like to see-- a little pep in her step.

K-Cav is looking like a total train wreck and the gUrls are interrogating K-Cav like they are homeland security or something. They leave K-Cav to gather her shit and then go about six feet away to whisper about her. Not a smart move. You have to at least shut the door or go to another room. Haven't you ever been to a slumber party?

"Do we have to go in public with her right now?" --LO

If I had a dollar for all of the times my friends have said that about me, I'd have a lot of dollars right now.

K-Cav calls them out for talking about her and then, in a scene out of Intervention, all hell breaks loose and the cat is out of the bag.

"Everybody is saying that you're doing drugs." --LO

"Kristen, your legs are like, tiny. You're wearing sunglasses all day." --StephiePratt

Now, there's an argument.

This is also the part where I got really confused. Had K-Cav been sleeping all day? What time did they wake her up because they don't have to leave until 4pm, but they are freaking out like they are going to miss their flight if they don't leave in the next 46 seconds.

The dramatic music begins and K-Cav reflects on her supposed drug problem by digging through her purse and staring at the floor.

-----

I have no more words for BoF and her family. Her family is legit and they care about their daughter. They clearly cannot help Heidi, so maybe they should focus on Holly and the shit she is always wearing on her head.

-----

Back to Miami where the gUrls are waiting. K-Cav swoops in just the barely to catch the car to the airport. Thank God.

the hills: party poopers.

Who is playing who K-Cav asks and then tells Lo she is heading to Laguna to "get away." And of course, K-Cav breaks down every last detail of Brody's surprise party without any details at all. She describes MySpace gUrl, Jay-de, and Brody's relationship as "intent." I think she meant "intense," but I cannot read her mind. Probably because she doesn't have one (OH, I must admit that was a royal set-up).

"He has to work for it." --K-Cav

I don't think slutty girls know what that means. Probably means calling rather than texting.

------

StephiePratt, or Frankenstein's gUrlie, and Auds are hanging out and talking about Derek. But, she wasn't talking about Derek at all...she was talking about Justin the whole time.

"Go move on...I have." --Auds

Clearly.

-----

We follow K-Cav to Laguna to visit her folksies. Dennis, her pops, is popping open a bottle of wine and fixing a plate of cheese. I could be wrong, but in high school I recall K-Cav living, not by the beach, but in a really small house that resembled a trailer. Interesting. Must be a rental.

"Is Brody still kind of in love with himself?" --K-Cav Pops

Nail. Meet head.

K-Cav is breaking down the dynamics of the group to her parental unit and her pops keep shaking his head like he knows what's going on.

"He's kind of a flake. He has a lot of baggage." --K-Cav

-----

We meet up with the Pratties and Spencer is wearing that hat again. He claims Heidi's dad bought it for him, which proves that he must hate him. When they enter the club Holly is having a mini party all by herself. The gang is concerned.

"Hey Holly, how's it going? Best party EVER?" --CharlieBra

"Every single second of my life is the best second of my life." --Holly

"That's a good way to look at it." --CharlieBra

Isn't it though?

Holly talks to Heidi's "boss" and Heidi and Spence let the acting begin. StephiePratt steps in and tells her to calm her shit down, which she does by performing a choreographed dance. It was pretty good, so I think Spencer's claim of her downing 200 drinks was false.

-----

StephiePratt and Heidi get together and sit at a table at a restaurant. StephiePratt is serious and she means business. She starts telling Heidi that Holly drinks A LOT and is out of control which is a result of other problems going on in her life. StephiePratt tells Heidi that she NEEDS to talk to Holly and says, "take Spencer."

And scene.

If Spencer comes to my door to talk to me about anything, especially alcoholism or clothing, I'm out. OUT, I say.

-----

K-Cav is back in the 'Bu and J. Bobby is cooking up a storm for her. He apparently wasn't invited over and K-Cav is surprised to see him. He missed the party because he was "out of town for a little while."

"You having fun?" --J. Bobby

Can you really ask that about a situation that has been going for less than 12 seconds and literally nothing is happening? I mean, I guess you can, but it seems a little out of left-field. Fun? What about that could've possibly been fun?

-----

Auds and Derek are out on a little date-night. Derek asks for a CD and Auds just knows she already gave it to him, but WAIT, she could've given it up to Justin. Of course! Please tell me how every conversation Auds has involves J. Bobby.

"Are you over him?" --Derek

"Yeah..." --Auds

That was said with a bit of a shrug and a "well...sure...no...what" look.

-----

"You're going to tell your mom about me?" --K-Cav

"I don't want a boyfriend." --K-Cav

"Right, right...COME ON." --J. Bobby

-----

The Pratties are taking Holly out for a nice little intervention lunch. Holly wobbles in. Literally. Holly orders a margarita. At lunch. I guess if you don't have a job that's alright.

Heidi jumps right in with the "you have a problem." Spence even makes a few good points and Heidi jumps in and then you hear Spence say, "yeah, yeah!" He grunts a few times and throws in, "I saw you do a dance-off!" The grunts were a little much. I think he was probably mocking her dancing, but he was off-camera so I'll never know.

"We're so similar. Like a long-haired Spencer Pratt, with better dance moves." --Spence

Was there a compliment in there somewhere?

"Alcohol shouldn't be the number one love of my life, but we've had some great years together." --Holly

I want that on a Hallmark card.

Easiest intervention EVER.

-----

Finally, over to Brody's we go. K-Cav greets him at the door and I immediately see bad things happening. Also, the dog in the scene apparently used to be "their" dog. Interesting.

"He came to my Malibu house. He hunted me down." --K-Cav

Hunted you down? He knows your address. Easy hunt. I thought you wanted him to work for it. Give him a wrong phone number and tell him you live in Salt Lake City then see if he can find you.

-----

J. Bobby is walking the streets alone and we see that he's going to meet up with (GASP) Auds!

"I don't know whether to give you a hug?" --Auds

"Oh, we can just sit." --J. Bobby

As he sits two miles away. Boom. Roasted.

Auds wants to break the ice and doesn't want their to be awkwardness. Does awkward also mean boring?

J. Bobby is mad about Derek and he doesn't care. He pours out his heart and Auds greets him with a blank look.

"I would never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge ever in my life." --J. Bobby

Even after you saw her acting skills in "Sorority Row?"

"I won't talk to Derek anymore." --Auds

It's that easy?

Wow, these people are just dumb. I can't even write anymore on that subject. I have a college degree and I just spent 23 minutes of my life watching this and then breaking it down. Maybe I'm the dumb one.