Tuesday, March 20, 2012

POTUS: march madness: final four.

(1)Virginia vs. (5) Davidson
Ever seen a man on fire? Me neither, but metaphorically speaking this team of ragamuffin revolutionaries is on fire. Wilson is coming off of hard-earned victory, but victory is not his to revel in for long. In the end, he falls just points short, breaking the heart of the world.

(2) Harvard vs. (3) Georgetown
This one could very much be an episode of an after-school special. Clinton and Johnson, the small-timers who grew up with little, versus these other kids who grew up with a lot. Carrying a chip on their massively large, yet reformed shoulders Clinton and Johnson pull ahead early.

For a brief moment, it looks like the Ha’va’d Ya’d boys are going to stage a comeback.
The comeback is short-lived. Kennedy’s back goes. An injury, his coach later described as a metaphorical “bullet to the head” of his team.

JFK’s loss was more of an emotional barrier than anything and things only got worse from there. JQA demoted himself to the JV team, FDR was ruled ineligible after a random rule change in how many years one can actually play basketball and GWB declared victory with a 1-point lead and lots of time left on the clock and even raised a banner to celebrate the victory. 

Clinton and LBJ had a few scares, but ultimately pulled ahead for the victory and the chance to play Virginia in the finals. Upset city!

Friday, March 16, 2012

POTUS: march madness: play-in/ round one.

(8) Cincinatti vs. (9) Purdue
If this was a college football game, it’d be on at 11 am (EST). We’ve got Taft and Harrison, a match-up bound to put even your favorite historian to sleep. Harrison battled early with Taft, but in the end even his Presidential pedigree was no match for Taft’s boisterous frame.

(7) Duke vs. (10) The Ohio State University
Richard Nixon, the self-labeled underdog is a scrappy competitor. His never-say-die-attitude is ultimately what pushes him past the not-fit-for-competition, Rutherford B. Hayes. Hayes entered the tournament on the bubble and leaves with a nice parting gift of fried rice and some audio tapes. 

(4) Michigan vs. (5) Davidson
Skeptics argue Gerald Ford’s high seeding in a field of such tough competition, but he carries the criticism well on his broad shoulders. Woodrow Wilson enters the match-up with a few battle wounds from a minor European scuffle. Ford hangs tough, but in the end Wilson outwits him and outlasts him. We have our first upset.

(3) Georgetown vs. (6) University of North Carolina
Typically, slow and steady wins the race. Unless you’re James K. Polk and you’re racing Bill Clinton and LBJ. Polk’s wounds from years of battle Henry Clay were simply no match for Clinton and Johnson’s brashness.

 (1) Virginia vs. (8) Cincinnati
This one has the likelihood of being mercy-ruled rather quickly. Although Taft could likely eat James Madison or James Monroe in one sitting, he doesn’t have the skills these three Cavaliers do. Taft, has the ability to perform many tasks well at many positions, but in the end he's no match for "Big Three." Virginia cruises to an easy victory. 

(2) Harvard vs. (5) Duke
An absolute mismatch from the beginning. Just for fun, the dregs opened up the game for Harvard. Like salt in an old wound, JFK used his boys GWB, JQA and Obama to wipe the floor with ole Tricky Dick before John Adams and the Roosevelts came in to shoot half-court shots and laugh in his face. Nixon’s temper-tantrum didn’t help and he was thrown out of the game early. In his post-game interview he brought his dog along, a first for a basketball game press conference. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

POTUS: march madness: action shots.

At an even 6'0, Gerald Ford is a bruiser of a point guard. The man has ice in his veins. He was a bench warmer for years until getting the call late one night and learning that the two PGs in front of him on the depth chart had resigned from the team. 

Benjamin Harrison's 5'6 frame is not intimidating in the least, but he's got the pedigree. 

Coming in at just a smidge under 5'9, Rutherford B. Hayes is ready to reconstruct the tOSU backcourt game. 

James K. Polk may be the smallest shooting guard UNC has ever had at 5'8, but his experience in playing ball with Mexico has made him fierce. 

William Howard Taft is the definition of "power forward" with his 300-pound, 5'11 frame. At times, he has breathing problems and he prefers the finer things in life to sweating and running, but when's on his A-game, he's average and that's all you can expect from most obese basketball players. 

At 5'11, Woodrow Wilson is an interesting pick to play Center. However, he's smart and resourceful, so it works. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

POTUS: march madness: bracket reveal.

Each year around this time I take to filling out a bracket for the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. And each year, I try to think of a new way to pick a winner. There’s simply no easy way to do it—teams are upset prone, teams are overrated, people die, etc;

So, naturally, I go with POTUS to pick my winner(s). It should be noted that any affiliation with the school counts. So, if POTUS went there and transferred, sat on the board, whatever—it counts.

Who’s playing:
Duke (Nixon)
Davidson (Woodrow Wilson)
Virginia (Thomas Jefferson. James Madison, James Monroe)
Harvard (Adams and Roosevelt X 2, plus JFK, GW Bush, Barack Obama)
North Carolina (Polk)
Michigan (Ford)
The Ohio State University (Rutherford B. Hayes)
Purdue (Benjamin Harrison)
Georgetown (Bill Clinton, LBJ)
Cincinnati (Taft)

Top left: Richard Nixon at Duke; top right: James Madison at Virginia; bottom leftt: John Quincy battling down low for Harvard; bottom right: Bill Clinton making opponents work for it at Georgetown. 

Based on POTUS Power Rankings, here are the seeds:
(1) Virginia: Small front court, yes. But, let’s be real, we ain’t talking about dribblin’. We’re talking about the guys who wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Monroe Doctrine playing on the same team.

(2) Harvard: Just missed out on the 1 seed. I mean, John Adams and both Roosevelts boast impressive (matchless, almost) resumes, but throw in JQA, JFK, GWB and Obama and you’re looking at the bottom. Good thing Adams and the ‘Velts can likely carry them through a couple of games.

(3) Georgetown: If this were a tournament for womanizing, these power forwards would waltz their way into history. Unfortunately, it’s not. However, they boast impressive social reform resumes and their popularity among minorities shows a real “team first” attitude.

(4) Michigan: Gerald Ford was a lineman, but there’s not a greater Cinderella story in all the land (speaking of course in terms of men who weren’t elected to the Presidency or Vice-Presidency, yet were both).

(5) Davidson: Woodrow Wilson brokered peace with Germany during WWI and created the League of Nations.  Total team player. And fearless.  And smart. Real smart.

(6) UNC: James K. Polk is little, but scrappy. He was a go-getter and set goals not to set them, but to achieve them. He's not afraid to battle either. Some could argue that his longtime rivalry with Henry Clay of Kentucky was a pre-cursor to the UNC/UK basketball rivalry of today. 

(8) Cincinatti: If Howard Taft can quit taking baths and move on to showers (much more manly), he will be a force to reckon with inside the paint. Dude was huge. He’s got a long and impressive rap sheet, but sadly this isn’t a tournament for former Provisional Governors of Cuba. Check the NIT for that.

(9) Purdue: Benjamin Harrison couldn’t win the Governorship of Indiana, but he somehow became POTUS. He’s just like a team that can’t win a conference title, but come tourney time— watch out. He could be a sleeper.

(10) The Ohio State University: Talk about a bubble team. This guy, technically, didn’t win the right to be POTUS, but oh yeah— we vote a little different in the USA. Can this bubble POTUS pull off the improbable and silence his critics?

Here's the bracket. 

Stay tuned. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

the bachelor:: ben: final rose.

The episode begins and a for a brief moment, I feel joy.
Joy because I know this whole charade is almost over.

"I came into this hoping I would find love and I found it! And it feels GREAT!" --Ben
He really sounded like a Frosted Flakes with that last one. 

"That big ole beautiful Matterhorn gives me hope." --Ben
Really, Ben? Really? The Matterhorn doesn't give me shit. Selfish, SOB. What's Matterhorn ever done for me besides be a glacier?

Ben's mother and sister roll into the Swiss Alps and Ben cries. At least we know that Ben comes by his hair honestly. His sister's isn't super great either. It does seem a little shinier though. This is not about her hair, but it could be about the fact that from the nose up SHE LOOKS IDENTICAL TO MY BROSEF. I even called him to tell him to turn it on and he said, "Oh, that's awkward."

Ben tells his fam about Lindzi and, of course he leads with the horse facts. If my brosef sat down to tell me about the gUrl he wanted to marry and led with, "Loves horses," I would've had a hard time. Thankfully, he didn't and my S-I-L doesn't. THEN, he told his fam about The Model and her behavioral problems with the other "ladies." He's making these women look super shitty.

Lindzi meets mom and sister and nothing really happened. Minus sister spilling the beans about being more vulnerable. Then, sister wanted to know about The Model. Horse gUrl called herself a "people person" and then said The Model wasn't. She really said it in the nicest way possible. Good for her.

"I feel very relaxed right now. And that's important to me." --Sister
Well, yeah. Your relaxation is of the utmost importance. 

Mom and sister tell Ben they like Horse gUrl, "a lot."

The Model rolls in and everyone has preconceived notions about this meeting. Most of my apprehension comes from Ben's sweater.

The Model brought a present. But, just one. So, Mom and sister have to share.
They did not open it on camera.

The Model starts in on being a model and an actress (actress?) and what it's like with other women. Oh, the torture! Can you imagine being pretty enough to have people pay you for your photograph?

Sister pulls The Model outside and tells her about the red flags. It was pretty stupid.

The word "judge" was said 149 different times.

Ben's mom asked The Model about Ben. The Model said, "He's so special." Clearly, someone read that book, "You are Special."

"Well, there's another gUrl." --The Model
"Yeah, I think that's affecting what's happening now." --Ben's Mom
These people are so perceptive. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. 

The sister gives The Model her stamp of approval and says, "You can't judge a book by its cover."

Ben asked for advice and his family gave him none of that.
If anything, they should have told him to ditch that damn sweater and cut his hair.

Finally, they tell Ben to "go for it," and "we'll love you no matter what."
That's such BS. You don't just tell someone, "GO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. WE'RE YOUR FAMILY, WE'LL BE HERE NO MATTER WHAT." No. You say, "Listen, we're going to love and support you, but don't be an F-tard, son." You know?

The summer in between 3rd and 4th grade my mother told the Brosef and me that we could re-paint our bedrooms. It was fun and exciting. At times, with the window and door wide open, I would sit in the room and wait for the paint to dry because it was that exciting for me.

I tell you that story because I have actually watched paint dry.
I can accurately compare the next 40 minutes or so to watching paint dry.

This guy is so boring.
His surprise for Horse gUrl is skiing in the Swiss Alps.
If you "took" me to Switzerland and we DIDN'T go skiing I'd be surprised.

Horse gUrl tells Ben it's hard to put yourself out there and she uses her sense of humor as a crutch for something. Not sure about that because I've never really thought of her as someone who is funny.

"I want to be 200% vulnerable." --Horse gUrl
That's not possible. 

Finally, she says she's in love.
Ben says, "That's good."

Then, he does that stupid head nod and closed teeth smile.

At this point, there's another hour left in the show and a small part of me is wondering how I'm going to make it until the end. It's also at this moment that, Lord willing, I'm going to have to tell my children someday, "Mommy had a blog and wasted a lot of time watching terrible television." I'm already a shitty mother.

That helicopter is for them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe they are taking a helicopter up into the mountains????????????

Ben says this helicopter ride is one of the coolest things he's ever done in his life.
You know what isn't cool?

Ben and The Model have a little picnic out in the snow and Ben asks her for the 19th time in 8 minutes, "How are you?"

"It is a little bittersweet." --Ben
I'd just go with, "bitter."

"It hasn't been easy for me." --The Model
SAME HERE, SISTER. How do you think I feel?


I am the same age as The Model.

The Model got a production assistant to help make her a scrapbook.
She even wrapped it.

Ben is wearing suspenders.
They are not suspending anything.
Therefore, he should not be wearing suspenders.

The Model went to Hallmark and picked out a card.
She called it, "A Love Letter From My Heart to Yours."
She read it aloud and then giggled intermittently.

If she was really vulnerable with him she'd tell him that that vest just isn't working.

Of course, it wasn't all sunshine.
They did have to discuss the other "ladies."
There were bells going off in the background. They were very distracting, but I was eventually brought back in. That's just what Ben's hair and no-teeth-smile-head-nod do to me.

"I've come too far to stop thinking about everything now." --Ben
WAIT. You have been thinking throughout this whole JOURNEY?

The Model is worried that Ben may have doubts.
Her tears were a glimmer of hope that maybe he won't pick her.
Then, they showed a shot of him walking away and those suspenders were hanging around his butt just right and I remembered he is an idiot. All hope is gone.

The day of the proposal is finally here.
All three spend a lot of time looking out of windows and over balconies.

Neil Lane, the jeweler, shows up.
The gUrls put on capes.
Ben puts on a suit and then hikes up a mountain?
Seriously. He just hiked up a mountain in a suit.

The first "lady" out of the chopper is Horse gUrl. We all know what this means.

Is Horse gUrl wearing a two-piece dress? I went to prom in 2002. Two-piece dresses were all the rage. I know a thing or two about them. She's wearing a two-piece dress. So, not only is she about to get dumped on national television for the world's worst woman, but she's about to get dumped on national television for the world's worst woman while wearing a two-piece dress.

Also, feathers?

Ben tells Horse gUrl, "you're all about first impressions."
Is that even a compliment? I wouldn't take it as one. That sounds terrible.

He says he's in love with another woman. It's the end of the line for Horse gUrl. And she just got the best gift she's ever received.

"If things don't work out, call me?" --Horse gUrl
Come on, gUrl. 

The Model flies in (literally) and gets escorted down to Ben by ole Chrissy Poo.

What we're about to witness here is the world's saddest (see: worst) proposal.

The Model's voiceover is all about her patterns with men and trust and lots of other bullshit.

"You kind of took my breath away." --Ben
It's just the altitude. 

Finally, even after the tricky "but," Benji Boy proposes to The Model.

"You are my forever. You're my forever. I've waited a really long time, a really, really long time to tell you that I'm in love with you." --Ben

"So, with all of that said, Courtney, will you marry me?" --Ben
He didn't even say her full name. 

Honestly though, it's like he presented something to her and said, "In summation, can we get married?" It would've been sexier to say, "For tax purposes this makes a lot of sense." At least I'd know he's done some homework!

"I will love you forever."
"I will love you forever."

If this was a movie I'd walk out. Whether that was scripted or real talk, it was terrible.

Have you ever seen two people less enthusiastic about an engagement? They just repeat what the other one is saying. On repeat.

And then when Ben's describing the "journey," he's all, "Yeah, we had some bumps. This one over here is a real bitch and I had my doubts, but screw 'em all! This is a fairy tale and I don't believe in fairy tales, but now I do, because I'm terrible looking and I'm marrying a model!"


And so another season ends in love and happiness and a proposal.
Do proposals even mean anything anymore?

Friday, March 9, 2012

in response.

I tend to err on the side of thinking in my daily life. That being said, I've come to the conclusion that most Americans do not do the same. 

I've been formulating this conclusion in my head for quite some time, but have only recently found it to be an actual fact and not just an observation in brief. Most of my latter thinking comes from people's reactions to the Invisible Children "Make KONY Famous" video and of course, the Republican party. I'm not going to go into detail about either of those topics, it's just background information. 

Daily, I try to figure out what makes my brain different from most people's brains. Why are my thoughts so different than most? 

I've found the culprit. It's been under my nose the whole time. It's that stupid poster that hangs in just about every kindergarten classroom in the world. You know the one, "All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten..." I think people actually believe that and therefore, have not allowed their mind to evolve or in same cases, think at all. 

Let's dissect. 

Share everything.
No, don't. This is your basic socialism versus capitalism argument. Work hard and then share out of the overflow of your heart and your riches. Don't just give stuff to people who don't want to work hard. 

Don't hit people.
But, don't roll over and play dead either. 

Put things back where you found them.

Unless it's a lost wallet, child, puppy or important USB drive.  

Clean up your own mess.

Meaning: the government is not required to clean up your messes. 



Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

No, this is wrong. Really wrong. Americans are fat. Really fat. 

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

Who wrote this? That doesn't seem like a balanced life. It seems like a busy one. Also,  you're probably poor. 

Take a nap every afternoon.

Yeah, if you're sick or retired.

When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

Someone try this and get back to me. 

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

I know exactly how and I know exactly why. A tree growing in a styrofoam cup is not wonder. 

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

There has to be a better way to teach this point. I'm supposed to compare a goldfish to a human being?

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

At what?

Americans, if this is really your MO, I suggest you find a new one. Use your brains, be smarter. For the sake of everyone. 


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

the bachelor :: ben : WTA.

Observations in brief. 

The "Women Tell All" episode is what I imagine high school reunions in Hell to be like.

At the very beginning Chrissy Poo tells the crowd that The Model will be in attendance later and this one woman in the audience looked like she threw up, but it was like a happy throw up. Like, she threw up a rainbow or something.


The Blakely montage in the beginning was coupled with music from a James Bond film. DRAMA.

I couldn't make a PROS/CONS list comparing Blakeley and The Accountant. I could make a CONS list though. Oopsies.

"I don't even know where to start with that." --Britney
Me neither. Me neither.

Everyone was calling Britney out for leaving. Especially that Samantha gUrl. And why was that gUrl screaming at everyone? Her voice was shrill. Britney had to do the "mama shark" hand motion to her to get her to shut up.

That Jaclyn gUrl got a lot of screen time in the beginning. I was just thankful they kept telling me her name. However, it didn't stop me from saying, "Who is that?" every time they showed her.

That whole Shawntel thing was just kind of weird, right? Like, how do people on this show lose the ability to look in a mirror? Like, be more self-aware, gUrls. You were doing the exact same thing Shawntel was doing, she just got a late start.

Emily did pretty well in the hot seat. You can tell she's way smarter than every other gUrl on this show. And personally, I like side ponytails. Her eye make-up was slight off though. Can't win 'em all, gang. Can't win 'em all.

From my seat it seems as though Nicki and Kacie B. found love on the Bach after Ben dumped them. They were holding hands, giggling and apparently telling each other to wear a dress with ONE GIGANTIC sleeve is a great idea. That's true love, right there.

What'd The Accountant do to her head?
Is her hair supposed to be that color?

Watching Kacie B. watch the review of her "journey" was terrible painful. Her hair part looked painful, too.

"That's not fun to watch." --Kacie B.
That sums up the whole damn season!

Why does Chrissy think he's a therapist?

I was super offended when Kacie B. said, "I hate to say it, but the South is a little different." gUrl, do not apologize for that. The South is different. Different in a wonderful way.

Here comes The Model!

This whole scenario got real sad, real fast.

Before she even came out people were randomly yelling, "Bi-polar!"  "She's terrible!"  "Yeah! Burn her!"

I'm not even sure how to discuss this. Every single gUrl on that panel had a Courtney story. That says something. If it was just one or three gUrls that'd be different, but if that many gUrls hate you, they hate you for a reason. I think they hate her for different reasons than I do, but I'm not sure about that yet.

"I was humiliated." --The Model
Secondhand humiliation. 

The Accountant thinks The Model came on the show for the sole purpose of repairing her image.
That may be true, but The Accountant needs to hire somebody to fix her image. She just has a weird image. Can you even call 'terrible' an image? So many questions.

"I made a bad joke. It happens, we all do it." --The Model
Speak for yourself, baby gUrl!

"Guess what, we were all human beings!" --Emily, to The Model
ZING! Gotcha!

Eventually, The Model cried and took some deep breaths.
I think it would've been more entertaining if these gUrls had some wine during this filming.

"There's not much else she can apologize for." --Chrissy
FALSE. She can apologize for wasting HOURS upon hours of my time. 

Ben joins Chrissy on stage.

"Welcome to my nightmare." --Ben

Ben just sat there and did the whole closed-mouth head nod thing.
And his hair? KILL ME.

Nicki wants to say that she thinks Ben is the best man she's ever met.
Clearly, she's met this man and her ex-husband. She has never met any other men.
Right? That's the only explanation for that statement. Has to be.

Jamie, for the second time this season, made everyone proud and told Ben that she was ready and willing to play second fiddle to the winner this season. HAVE SOME PRIDE. MY GOSH.


Monday, March 5, 2012

the airport.

According to calculations based solely on my own expertise and situation, I spend a lot of time in [the] airport[s]. I'll readily admit the time I spend in [the] airport[s] is probably minimal compared to a lot of people who travel for work or something, but again, this is all according to me. (It's lcblogs, not youblogs.)

Some could argue that I spend a lot of time in [the] airport[s] because I'm incredibly paranoid about the time and the thought of missing a flight because of something I could control is just out of the question. Sometimes I wait on a plane longer than the actual flight I'm about to take. It's a blessing and a curse.

All of this to say-- based on the amount of time I've spent in various airport terminals throughout the country (and a few out of the country), I've come to the conclusion that most people, in no way, act like normal human beings while in the airport. I would venture to say that most people are just a hollow shell of their normal being while in the airport and would be unrecognizable to most friends and family on the outside.

Most common courtesy and human decency are left on the other side of the security gate. And most of societal norms seemed to be stored elsewhere as well.

First, you have the business traveler that is always on what seems to be the most important phone call of his/her life or a call that leads me to believe they are very much on the verge of firing someone. They have these conversations, not in an inside voice, and with reckless abandon for other people's feelings, mine included. Not too long ago, I heard a woman call another woman named Kim, a bitch at least 6 times. At one point, Kim hung up on her and the other lady just called her back and started the conversation over. She then kept saying, "I'm sorry I'm trying to keep this business professional." I wanted to tell her she wasn't even being business casual, or business, or casual. She was being terrible.

More often than not these people are always dressed like they are about to go to bed and not like they are working. On a flight last week, this woman, who was flying Business Select on Southwest (fancy!), was wearing sweatpants that I wouldn't even sleep in. But, she was also on her laptop the whole time prior to boarding and after the plane took off. She clearly had to get some shit done and she did it in her gray sweatpants that would not have been flattering on a Barbie doll or a small boy or even just folded up in a drawer somewhere. It's just not normal. You don't scream at people on the phone and you don't wear sweatpants like that to work (or anywhere, really).

Second, you have the people who abandon all the food rules we've ever lived by during normal life. Chinese food on a 45-minute flight at 8am? Absolutely. It's always (ALWAYS) the worst smelling food at the most odd hours. I always wonder if these people have been traveling for days and their internal clocks are out of whack and you know, there's just no denying the craving one could get for Cool Ranch Doritos at 6am, right? I usually abandon that notion pretty quickly when I realize that I'm on a flight from Dallas to Little Rock. It's barely an hour-long flight. YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO ORDER A DRINK ON THE THING. These people have not been traveling for days, or even hours, they have just abandoned normalcy.

The absolute worst thing I've ever experienced on a plane was last summer traveling from Dallas to Boston. It was hot. The plane was hot. People were hot. People weren't smelling their best. An older woman sitting next to me carried-on a Wal-Mart sack as her personal item. This should have been pretty telling. She didn't even have a purse, just a Wal-Mart sack. About the time the flight attendants were taking drink orders and trying to sell us food, the lady looks at me and says, "I brought my own!" After wrestling with the Sky Mall and the Wal-Mart sack for what seemed like forever, a three-pack of "snack" tuna emerged. I don't know why this was labeled "snack." I'm guessing it was because three crackers came with each can. I have never smelled anything more foul in my life. I legitimately put my shirt over my nose for the next 30 minutes while she enjoyed her snack. There was no common courtesy involved in this woman's snack choice. None. I think I would've been happier if she would've brought horse shit to eat.

And we can't forget about the people who order drAnks at odd flight times either. And listen, if I step foot out of the city of Dallas on a weekend, I deem it a vacation which opens up the doors for poor decisions. HOWEVER, I stop at this: It was a 6am flight from Little Rock to Dallas two days after Christmas. I was headed back to work. The flight attendant is taking drink orders. A woman in front of me says, "Chardonnay. There's a long pause and then, "I know! I'm still in vacation mode!" What vacations are you going on that require a glass of chardonnay that early in the morning? Sounds like you're on a vacation from rehab. I mean, hell, order a bloody mary or a mimosa! But, chardonnay? Not normal.

Those are obviously my favorites, but you can't leave out some other great ones:

The parents who decided to quit parenting for a few hours. Seems perfectly logical to let your children run loose in an airport. I like when they jump off the furniture. Last night at LAX this little girl (let's be fair, might have been a boy), jumped off of a chair and right into my business. She then yelled, "Where's my grandmother?"

The starer. Staring is not polite. Or cool. Or sexy. But, you walk into an airport terminal and suddenly, it's all the rage. There are the people that stare at you at the gate and the people that stare at you while on the plane. It's a toss-up to which is worse. Both are bad. Even worse when you're in a foreign country.

The bathroom users. This isn't based off of a single thing I've read in Scripture, but I'm convinced there's a portion of hell modeled after airport restrooms. What do people do in there? Maybe if they weren't eating Chinese food at 8am these places would be in better shape, but I have my doubts. Most of the worst things I've ever seen have been in airport bathrooms. Again, last night at LAX, I walked into the bathroom and there was a piece of ham on the floor! A piece of ham. The reasons for this could be several, still none alright: somebody was eating ham in the bathroom and dropped it (not alright), someone was carrying around a loose piece of ham and dropped it (why?), someone threw ham into the bathroom (huh?).

Of course, you have the talkers/sharers who think sitting on a plane is the perfect place to spill the beans about their neighbors Christmas lights, the runners and the people who stop in the middle of the walkway to adjust something in their bag (usually right when the runner is coming through).

Maybe I'm being harsh or maybe I'm far too observant in airports, but I'd like everyone who visits an airport in the next month or two to just dial it down a few notches. Like, 12 notches. Be a normal human being. Eat normal foods at normal times. Just play it cool.


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