Tuesday, February 26, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 9.

And then, there were three. At this point, SeanBoy could quit right now and implement his own version of 'Sister Wives'. There's a billion dollar spinoff idea, ABC. CASH MONEY, guaranteed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SeanBoy is in Thailand standing at the bow of a boat. He's dangerously close to jumping off. Or falling off. He's wearing flip-flops which are dangerous because those are not boating shoes and do not provide any stability for the feet, if he were to slip. This could all end in tragedy right here.

Sean, again, for the 17,897th time calls this place, "one of the most beautiful places in the world." He also says it is, "the south of Thailand." Which, I don't think is an actual place. I'm assuming he means south Thailand?

He then says there are "huge mountains coming out of the sea." No. Technically, it is the Malacca Strait. And he says the water is blue, but it's clearly green-ish. : (

We then have to sit through about 3 hours of Sean recapping his relationships with each of the ladies.

Fast forward.

Cool tank top though, right?
: (

Sean says is heart is torn and it is leading him in so many different directions. There's only one thing to do: get in the pool and sit at the edge and stare out over the landscaping and check out your own biceps every couple of seconds, too. It works every time! That's how I figure all of my shit out.


Sean's first date in "the south of Thailand" is with Lindsay. Lindsay can't look at the scenery because Sean is soooooooooo gorgeous.

These two lovebirds are headed to the local market for some food and NEON BABY CHICKS. Easter came early in Thailand! Talk about over-commercializing a holiday.

Sean took Lindsay to this market to simulate what it would be like for the two of them to go grocery shopping in Dallas together. I live in Dallas and I occasionally go to the grocery store. Even the Kro-gay with terrible meat selection isn't this bad. So, what I am saying is: this is not like a grocery store in Dallas. Grocery stores in this town have valet parking. VALET PARKING. Sean probz shops at Whole Foods. That shit is expensive. Again, not anything like this market.

"I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart and that's what I am looking for in a marriage." -- SeanBoy
HOLD UP. Wait. Say who? Say when?
That is weird and inappropriate on so many levels. 

They leave the market and head to the beach. They briefly discuss "settling down."

"You're the best friend that I've been looking for." -- Sean
: (
He doesn't have a best friend?!

They slip into their sexy-time swimsuits and feed some monkeys. Disgusting.

After getting some action in the Malacca Strait, they head to dinner by some old props from a musical about gay pirates (assumption; can't really be sure). If Lindsay wasn't distracted earlier, she'll be fine throughout dinner. I, on the other hand, would not be able to handle the blinking lights and the neon and the thought in the back of my head that, "MONKEYS CARRY AROUND DISEASES AND I WILL PROBZ DIE SOON."

Lindsay is "open" to moving to Dallas. She should rethink that. Make a pros and cons list, gUrl! I hope Sean can buy her a 3-series BMW soon or she'll never make it here. I bet he'll take her to that park over the freeway and be all, "LOOK AT THIS PARK. THERE'S A FOOD TRUCK. AND A BUILDING."

Lindsay is just seconds away from telling SeanBoy she loves him when, "all of sudden everything comes alive... and Thailand is all around us." Can't argue with that logic.

Baby gUrl has probz never seen an issue of National Geographic because she says this is, "the PRETTIEST thing" she's ever seen.

Chris Harrison, who could easily be the head of a high-class brothel at this point, sends these two kids an invitation to the fantasy suite. Zero hesitations involved. Fantasy suite it is!

Sean thinks Lindsay is funny AND compassionate AND that they could be best friends.

Short list of thingz I do with my best friends: talk about Hillary Clinton, talk about Beyonce, talk about dresses to wear to weddings, talk about the Kardashians, paint nails, bake stuff, talk about Corgi dogs, look at pictures of kittenz, borrow jewelry, send pictures of shoes to decide if I should or should not buy them, go to the mall, copy/paste quotes from blogs into e-mails and giggle, sing along to Celine Dion, tease our hair, talk about boyz. 

Thatz just a short list and I only see one to ZERO thingz I could do with a man on that list and I wouldn't like to do them regularly with a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They shut the door to the suite.


Itz now time for AshLee to get time with HER MAN. She's chosen a fun little layered number. A swimsuit, a tank top AND a crocheted smock? Sweater? Cover-up? Shirt? Baby dress? Blanket?

She calls Sean the "love of her life." It is just OVERWHELMING JOY, UNEXPECTED ADVENTUREZ AND FUN.

The boat sets out to sea and AshLee is still gushing about love, vulnerability, hearts and somethingsomethingsomethingIHOPEHEFEELSTHESAMEWAY.

Sean wants to challenge AshLee, so naturally he makes her swim through a cave to get to a private beach. THE WHOLE THING IS LIKE A DELETED SCENE FROM THE WORLD'S WORST SEQUEL TO "GOONIES" THAT PROBZ ONLY AIRED ON ABC FAMILY.

AshLee doesn't want to swim in the cave because she was adopted.
She thinks Sean might abandon her in that cave. She's not far off with that fear. I'd abandon her.

"I don't do caves." -- AshLee
Like, honestly? Who really does "do" caves? 
It's not exactly a thing. It's only kind of a thing.

They finally make it. It's life-changing for baby gUrl. She's let go and let God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I." -- AshLee
(First off: grammar.)
And! Really? 

Yes, there are two human beings that belong together more than you and SeanBoy. 

BEYONCE AND JAY-Z. Done and done. Your logic is out the window and I didn't even say BILL AND HILLARY. 

It's dinner time and Sean is picturing his life with AshLee. He has to be getting scared at this point. He could never love her as much as she loves him.

Sean asked AshLee why she's still single.

AshLee, being INSANE, calls it "a good question" and isn't offended at all.

"You know the qualities that I possess... and you know you want that...and I love that." -- Sean
Say how? 

AshLee goes on another diatribe about HOW IN LOVE (OBSESSED) SHE IS WITH SEAN.

Then, she starts talking about the fantasy suite. I honestly cannot tell if she's talking herself into staying or out of staying. Even if she says "no" to the invite she'd still totally end up at his room staring at him through the window all night so it doesn't matter what she says.

Baby gUrl says "yes," but only if "that boundary isn't crossed."


AshLee tells SeanBoy about the ring she wants and goes as far to tell him her ring size. BECAUSE THE SHOW'S PRODUCERS DON'T KNOW.

AshLee goes on and on and on about Sean healing her broken heart and spending her life with him and she'll do everything in her power to make sure he his happy FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. Even if she has to lock him in her basement, she will. make. him. HAPPY.

AshLee is absolutely the gUrl you date in junior high for 2 months and then she follows you to college and shows up at your kid's soccer game 12 years later and causes some real dramatic shit to go down.

This is a terrific Lifetime movie unfolding before our very eyes. 


CathyCat has been missed. But, do they have the same life goals? (NO, Sean, you don't!)

They get on a "junk boat" and immediately quote 'Titanic'.
: (

They spend a solid 17 minutes talking about how weird Cathy is. Then, Sean says she could be his best friend.

BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy is/was super pissy with her sisters. She talks to her BEST FRIENDS more than she talks to her sisters. Her BEST FRIEND is married, so she can tell her anything.

Sounds like Cathy already has a best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy says she'd move to Dallas. FROM SEATTLE.
I bet she recycles. She's going to be pretty disappointed when/if she gets here.
Ain't nobody got time for the environment. 

It starts lightning, so they get out of the water on to a boat and Sean goes TONGUE FIRST into about 17 minutes worth of kissing. How has no one ever told him to reign that tongue action in? Like. Come on.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean can totally see himself marrying Cathy. They will obviously be married in 5 years and they'd be super happy.

She keeps talking about being "super traditional" in relationships, which leads me to believe she's not traditional in other areas of her life? Like...she conditions before shampooing? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Cathy is clearly taking cues from someone else and tells Sean that she's not really, but is kind of, into the fantasy suite. She wants to be seen as a "lady" and not as someone "like that."


Sean just wants to watch YouTube videos all night with his "lady"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They get dat key to the suite and waste no time.

Cathy has obviously been very wounded by someone in her past. She's not confident at all in her looks or personality and it's just sad (real talk). To ease her pain, Sean says, "you're smoking hot." Eeeeeeek. You could've said it better, bud.

Cathy feels safe with Sean and she wants EVERYTHING WITH HIM. Including INTIMACY.

"When I look into his eyes, something visceral happens." -- CathyCat


of or pertaining to the viscera.

affecting the viscera.
of the nature of or resembling viscera.
characterized by or proceeding from instinct rather thanintellect: a visceral reaction.
characterized by or dealing with coarse or base emotions;earthy; crudea visceral literary style.

I know you were wondering.

Yes, Cathy may be the smartest gUrl to ever get this far into the Bachelor.


Sean gets dressed and has his weekly sit-down/recap with Chrissy Poo. He KNOWS he's got to send a woman home. And he KNOWS which woman it will be.


Sean recalls when Emily sent him home.
: (
SO. We have Emily to blame for all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean knows this is going to be THE HARDEST THING HE HAS EVER DONE.
Like, get a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's rose ceremony time, but first baby boy gotz to check out those PRIVATEPERSONAL messages that we all get to watch because TECHNOLOGY.

Sean doesn't want to be confused any further.

No, pick up a photo!

Ok, now roll the tape!

There's a moment, just for a second, where Sean is thinking, what do I do with my hands?!
He opts for the "casually hanging by my side" look.

Linday's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.

Cathy's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.

"Mega hunk."

"Whenever I thought about you, it gave me the wiggles."
That's a positive thing? JUST ASKING. I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Our relationship has completely evolved."

AshLee's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.
The music really perks up for this one.

"I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life."
Really? Like, go to the movies or something!

"I can't imagine ONE DAY without you."
Basement. Forever.


"Together we are whole."
Christ makes us whole (whole other blog post).

"I'm so emotional."
And bat shit crazy.

"...and for that...I will always love you."


Seans needs to look out to the horizon. It's raining.

He needs to look at the photoz again.
The rain is fitting. It's depressing.
Sean is sad.
: (

Sean knows he's not supposed to be with her. The problem? SHE DOES NOT KNOW THAT.

We all know what's about to happen here.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris breaks everything down for the gUrls.

Sean emerges in a suit, with a pocket square!

"I feel so blessed." --Sean

Somebody cusses.

Lindsay gets the first rose.
And then, 46 minutes of silence.

Deep breath.
Deep breath.

Cathy gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee flees the scene like she kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
Ain't nobody got time for this shit! She's 34, son!

Sean wants to explain himself.
She is NOT interested in his explanation.
She only has time to figure out how to get to his hotel room and wait for him in the dark.

Baby gUrl gets in the SUV of Despair and drives off into the rain.

"This wasn't about laughter and joking." -- AshLee
You have made that VERY clear.

Houston is not that far from Dallas.
This could get real ugly.

No tears in the car!
Good for her.

Keep that on lock, gUrl!
Keep it tight.

Spoke too soon.

Sean is so sad he sits in the rain next to a fountain.
That's so typical of him.


And just like that, it's over.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 8.

Hometown dates!

This is one of the only episodes of this series that I watch and think, "what would it be like if I were there...?" LIKE, would they build a Chili's in Russellville just to give us something to do? Would we have to go to the city "park" and swing or something? If I was going to keep it real, our activity for the day would be a stroll through Wal-Mart and a trip to exit 101 and the liquor store! Zing!

Also, we could go to the lake and pretend like that's something people do.


We start out with AshLee. She's wearing a cropped plaid button-down shirt. Yes, cropped. Cropped like, it's only half of an actual shirt. So. That's a thing.

AshLee has a really small dog. And she puts that dog on a leash. LIKE IT'S GOING TO RUN OFF.

AshLee takes Sean to a vacant lot with some really tall grass. She laid out a blanket and has some white wine there, too.

OMG. Holy crap! AshLee's dad is a pastor AND GUESS WHAT! SEAN'S DAD "DOES PREACH AT HIS CHURCH."

I have no idea what AshLee is talking about. She. talks. so. slow.


"I love looking at you." -- AshLee, to Sean

This gUrl's got it bad. Like. I don't know if she loves Sean or loves her family or hates herself.

AshLee says this is the most involved "with her soul" that she's ever been with a man. But, I have a feeling AshLee feels about Sean the same way I feel about pizza.

Pastor Dad asks AshLee and Sean where they've been and what they've done. AshLee starts crying. I think she started crying because she finally realized how her parents decided to spell her name makes her look like they did that on purpose. Which, they did. : (

After she was done crying she told her parents to forgive her for rolling around on the beach with SeanBoy. I'm kind of into that-- better tell them in person before they see it on TV! Points for baby gUrl!

Her mom on the other hand has heard ENOUGH. Hearts are fragile and rolling around in the sand is a sure-fire way to break a fragile heart. (I mean, yeah, if you roll on top of it! Zing!)

She asks Sean straight up, "Are you going to break her heart?"

MamaBear tells Sean why AshLee has control issues. She's also drinking water out of a wine glass. All class at this place, people!

"I see that love is on the horizon." -- Sean, to AshLee's dad
NO. NO. NO. 

Sean asks Pastor Dad why he let AshLee get married at 17 and uses it as a segway into asking for her hand in marriage. IS THAT REALLY THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT?

"Hey, guy. Remember that time you let your 17-year-old daughter get married? Did you like that dude? Well, do you like me as much as you like him? Can I marry her, too?"

AshLee's dad tells a sweet story about adopting AshLee, but he says things in a weird way.

"Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life..." -- Pastor Dad
Maybe...chooses her? Marries her? 

"It's not about me. It's about love." -- AshLee

AshLee is in deep. Too deep.

She even called the day magical. Not once, but twice!

"There's pixie dust everywhere." -- AshLee
I'm guessing that's actually pollen. 

There's just not much else to say about that.

Honestly? I think baby gUrl is just ready to get out of Houston.


SeanBoy hopped on a plane for his first trip to Seattle ever.

He's ready to have a great time no matter what. Rain or shine.

I'm pretty shocked to see that CathyCat takes him to Pike's Place Market IMMEDIATELY. (Not)

"Welcome to Seattle, DEAD FISH!!!!!!!!!"

Cathy likes the way Sean makes her giggle, but I'm going to call her out on that. She's clearly an easy laugh. She laughs at things that are NOT funny.

Sean catches some fish. I should note that he's wearing TWO v-necks and a tweed-ish blazer. I don't know what he read about Seattle before visiting, but this is when he should HAVE busted out at least one of his dozens of plaid shirts.

Also. I think he has on ALL gray. Just differing shades.
Shit ton of gray.

Sean's a "big kid," but he's romantic, too!
He's so romantic that on a normal Saturday he would take CathyCat to the gum wall.

CathyCat tells Sean to NOT kiss grandma and just take her hand and put it to his forehead.

Cathy wants Sean to want more, so she heads straight to her mom's and squeals and squeals at the sight of her sisters.

"I'm surprised at how well Sean fits in with my family." -- CathyCat
We have to be watching two (OR SEVEN) different things here. 
I mean, Cathy! Is your mother a preacher?! 
No?! WELL. Good luck!

Sean rolls rumpio with Cathy's mom, but I thought she said, "RUFIO! RUFIO! RUFIO!"

"He talked to my grandma alone." -- Cathy
Yeah, that's an actual thing.
Not impressed. 

Cathy's sisters are not into this. Big sister is supportive, BUT... she ain't having this shit. They seem to be confused by the fact that Cathy went into the show thinking it would a fun thing to try out AND NOW SHE IS SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT.

Again. Someone explain this show to someone. Anyone. Someone.

The SistersOfDoom sit SeanBoy down at the dining room table for a little chat. I got very confused, very quickly.

Sister1: she goes in 100% and then makes things real fun, but then she just does whatever. SUPPORT HER DREAMS or ELSE. CALL HER OUT. She's so messy.

Sister2: She's so moody. She's happy AND focused.

Sooooooooooooooooooo. Basically, her sisters just told Sean that she's a fun gUrl, looking for someone to support her and her dreams. And she's happy and focused most of the time. Essentially, they were at a job interview and took the whole, "turn your strengths into a weakness" thing somewhere they shouldn't have.

They didn't say anything bad about her, but the tone in their voices made it seem like Cathy kills puppies on Sunday afternoons for fun and if Sean is going to love her, he has to love ALL of her, even the puppy-killing side.

Also, maybe the SistaCats are jealous. Or maybe they spent a lot of time cleaning up Cathy's messes because she's so happy and focused ain't nobody got time to clean!

Sean's has enough of the SistersOfDoom and he moves on to Cathy's mom. NO ONE SHOULD LEAD ANYBODY ON.

Sean wants her blessing. Cathy's mom plays it cool and says, "let's see what happens."

Cathy knows that Sean probz didn't have the best day with her family. Sean even says he doubts his relationship with Cathy after hearing about how FUN AND FOCUSED she is from her sisters.



Sean took the train to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. And then he got on a horse.

Linds is an army brat and she's silly and wants to take SeanBoy to the antique shop! ITZ ALL SO SILLY.

She can see them settling down and LIVING IN THAT TOWN.

"I feel like we're a couple!" -- Sean
Thatz what you're supposed to feel like!

Linds took Sean to get a cupcake and I think she got like, four cupcakes. BOLD!

Did Sean get lowlights?
Like, in his hair?
He did.
It's not as blonde.

Sean wants to call Lindsay's dad, "general." WHICH, HE SHOULD. But, she gets all weird about it and is all, "No. Just say 'hey.'"

Then, she gives Sean some "army" clothes and makes him "work out."


After what feels like 2 weeks, they finally make it to Lindsay's house.

SeanBoy is nervous. I would be nervous, too. Good call, Sean.

"Part of Lindsay's dad's job kind of includes making men... hopefully he sees that I am a man..." -- Sean
Say who?
Did you read that on Wikipedia, Sean?

: (

Sean gets scared and goes with "mister" instead of "general" during the introductions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lindsay's mom thinks ITZ SO SILLY that Linds wore a wedding dress on the first night.
Also. Lisa, her mom, is wearing THE SAME SWEATER THAT SEAN WORE IN SEATTLE.

"She's just so special." -- Sean
: (
Do better, Sean. Do better.

I think even my parents would acknowledge that I'm "special." You gotta come up with something a little more unique to say about her.

But, I guess it'd be weird to be all, "Well, she gets kind of drunk and we make out A LOT, so yeah... it's pretty great."

MomLisa asks straight up, "Are you falling in love with Lindsay?"
Sean says straight up, "I'm contractually bound TO NOT answer that question."

Mom thinks he isn't saying "I love you" because he's a good dude, but really-- ABC TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am more than ready for Sean to retire the Chuck Taylor's.

SeanBoy meets up with GeneralDad.

I don't know very many generals, but he doesn't seem very intimidating. I mean, there is a painting of soldiers in his little man cave and it looks like they are killing someone or something. So, thatz kind of scary.

"Hey! Cool painting!"
"Oh, yeah. I had that commissioned from a photo of me removing a guy's heart while I was on the front lines..."
"Oh, really?"
"NO!!! Kidding! That's just a Thomas Kincade!"

SeanBoy asks for permission to marry Lindsay. It's the hardest question Lindsay's dad has ever been asked. HE'S A PARATROOPER AND CAN'T ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP, SO REALLY, HE'S GIVING SEAN THE AUTHORITY TO MAKE THE DECISION.


Beer for everyone!

"It makes me more attracted to Lindsay..." -- Sean

Did they keep BrotherBear in the basement all night or something?
I mean, what's the deal with that?
He went in for a handshake as Sean was leaving, but Sean went in for a hug.

Oh, dog tags!

When Sean gets lost in love and stranded at DFW Airport, we'll be able to identify him!


We're headed to LA and Destiny is taking Sean hiking. Sean, of course, is over-dressed in his most favorite salmon shorts. Also, he's hiking in those damn Converses.

Is it an actual hike if there's pavement?
I say, no, but then again, I've never claimed to be "outdoorsy" like these people.

Also, he called the Katy Trail (in Dallas) "really pretty."
: (

"If Sean and I end up together, this is what I'm going to want life to be like... I'm going to want to go hiking..." -- Destiny
Well, dream big, gUrl!

Sean reminds us again that he's "outdoorsy."
Meaning, he owns more than one North Face jacket.

"I feel like we're a couple." -- Sean

Destiny's doorbell rings and Sean sees a man standing at the door. ITZ ALL SO CONFUSING.

Sean is not an actor and HE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE.
Don't put your hands on him!

Oh, itz all a silly joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Destiny's family finally arrives.


Her parents are like, SUPER SWEETIES. Just giggles and laughs.
And Destiny is glowing, so mom knows what's up! Something is going on!
Plus, Sean is VERY good looking.

I like that Dad is wearing a hoodie.

BrotherBear is not having any of this.
He's even more skeptical than Cathy's sisters.

"This is stupid." -- BrotherBear
Nailed it. 

He doesn't believe this would work out at all. Well, you know what, Bro? I'm sure people felt the same way about your tattoos! But, look at them now. You're all tatted-up and looking like a total hard ass. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

BrotherBear takes Sean outside. Sean needs a jacket, BrotherBear doesn't.

Brother does NOT see the reciprocation in this relationship. He definitely understands the premise of the show (FINALLY!) and he's not buying what Sean is selling. He tells Sean he sees no affection, BUT Des just told Sean that she loves how affectionate he is towards her. WHAT IN THE WORLD. Sean just doesn't understand.

Sean is riled up.
He's not a playboy.

You know, it'd be a lot easier to take him seriously if he wasn't wearing that jacket. Leather jacket? Just leather sleeves? I can't tell.


Destiny can't handle it anymore, so she just tells Nate to, "stop!"

Tony sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Sean about "the four seasons." I think he's talking about the weather and not the hotel. I guess we'll never know.

Destiny is really disappointed.
This is not how it was supposed to go.

Sean's never going to go hiking with her again.

: (

Do you think someone at that house plays the cello?
If not, that's a weird item to decorate with.



Chris breaks it down, "Four gUrls, four hometowns."
This is why he makes the big bucks.

"Are all four women LITERALLY on the chopping block tonight?" -- Chris
Well, I sure as hell hope not!
But, I mean! Ratings!

Sean is worried about Destiny's brother, but he's more worried about the fact that CathyCat has dreams and goals OTHER THAN GETTING MARRIED. Heaven forbid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean doesn't think women should have dreams. ONLY MEN GET DREAMS!!!!!!!!

He needs to think this shit over.
Back-and-fourth. Back-and-fourth.

He's never been in this predicament before.

Chris breaks it down for the ladies, "There are four of you here and three roses. One of you will go home tonight." Was Chris a math major at Baylor?

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean has no idea what he is going to do!
He's just going to pick up one rose at a time.
One. rose. at. a. time.

Destiny can't handle it.
She needs to talk to Sean, "really quick."

She wants to apologize, Sean says she doesn't need to apologize.
He gets it. Itz all okay.

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CathyCat is scared. as. hell.
Which, I have to be honest, I have no idea just how scary that is. I would assume really scary?

Final rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Itz getting real.
Sean walks out to go look at the photos of the gUrls, because looking at them in person just wasn't doing it for them.

He asks Chris if he can peruse their Facebook profiles real quick, too.

What's Chris' advice for the night?
"Get this right."

Cathy gets the rose!
Cathy gets the rose!

Itz always the gUrl in the sequin dress that gets sent home.

Sean escorts Des to the bench and tells her that he's probz made a giant mistake. Obviously, Des agrees. So, they both agree this is a mistake.

Awkward hug.


"I want someone to love me as much as I love them." -- Destiny
Well, she's gets it. She really gets it. 

Mistake or not, she's getting into that limo.

"I can't even look at you." -- Des, AS SHE IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT HIM

This is quite the break-up.

If I was one of those other gUrls and I was watching this play out: OH, HELL NO. Put her in the car and tell me where we're headed next!

Finally, she gets in the limo.
Sean does NOT chase after the limo.

He does look at the ground.

"I don't even know what I'm going to do about my life." -- Des
: (

Listen, who DOES know what they are going to do about their life?

"All I want to do is make someone happy. That's all I want to do." -- Des
Really? Really?
I want to go to Europe. 
I want to get a book published. 
I want to never have to watch this show again.
I want to visit every Wal-Mart in the state of Arkansas. 
I want to sleep past 7 on the weekends. 
I want the price of gas to drop.
I want to take my nephew to a Razorback football game. 
I want it ALL. 

So. Thatz that.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 7.

And so here we are. St. Croix.
It's no Canada, eh, Sean?

"We are in one of the most beautiful TROPICAL places in the world." -- Sean, about St. Croix
So. In comparison to other tropical places we know where this one fits. 

Sean wanted to "break the rules" and fly in a seaplane with all the gUrls!!!!!!!!!! And that's exactly what he did.

The gUrls "explore" the hotel by walking out on the balcony and screaming.

Then, they sit outside and talk about all the activities they could do on the island. Pretty sure at one point I heard someone just say, "boat!" As in, a boat is an activity.


Sean arrives for the one-on-one date and he borrowed his PERFECT dad's linen shirt. He makes AshLee swim about half a mile to the boat they are going to take to a private island. (Someone has to say it: SoulSurfer couldn't go on this date.)

AshLee's never had someone make her swim to a boat before. Because she's adopted.

Sean gets AshLee to a private island and immediately asks about the "drama." I think AshLee even called Tierra "pouty pants." POUTY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They get up and run around and then, suddenly! They are both laying down, rolling in the sand! (Rolling in the sand! You're gonna wish you, never had met me, rolling in the sand, WE COULD'VE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!)

 Oh, the places sand will end up! Crevices. Baby gUrl's gonna have a long night ahead of her.

Sean has a very romantic ocean side dinner planned for AshLee. By planning he means he saw it on the Bachelor a few seasons ago.

Sean asks if there's anything AshLee hasn't covered with him. She starts to cry and says, "there is one more thing!" She wants it to be breezy (Breezy! I'm breezy!). Just gonna breeze through it.

AshLee lets Sean know that she got married at 17. Married. at. 17. What high school boy marries someone who isn't preg? Bold move!

Sean's pretty unaffected by the news and thinks she's perfect the way she is. I mean, I agree that that's not like, a major issue, but... you should probably ask some more questions! Kind of a young age to make that kind of decision.

SomethingsomethingHELLOSTCROIXsomethingsomethingILOVESEANkissingkissing. Bad music.

Sean says he has no questions at this point. Say who! I think more than anyone, AshLee, needs to engage in some pre-marriage counseling. Just saying. So, I hope he does ask one or two more questions. At least!


Sean managed to find another linen shirt for his date with Tierra. He DOES have a question or 12 for her. Sean brought a TOTE on their date.


Shopping is one of Tierra's favorite things to do and she especially loves shopping with Sean. He bought her a bracelet from what I'm assuming is the Claire's of St. Croix.

There's a parade, so Tierra dances in the middle of it. Because that's what you do when there's a parade. You just walk in the middle of it. REAL SAFE.

[Back at the hotel: AshLee tells the other gUrls that she told Sean all of the terrible things that they don't like about Tierra. The top complaint? SHE DOESN'T SAY GOOD MORNING.]

All of that dancing in the street led to a snocone on the steps, followed by a hard conversation. Tierra tells Sean she wouldn't change anything she's done. Which, to me means, she isn't regretting her decision to wear wedges while spending an entire day walking around a town with cobblestone streets.

It's time for dinner! Sean just asked the producers to leave the set-up from the night before by the beach to make it easier on everyone. But, they opted to move it to a sugar mill.

Sean classed it up with some plaid shorts.

Tierra feels distant from Sean and she feels behind "in the game." I'm not a genius, but I don't know that you should call it a game in front of the dude. Maybe in interviews and stuff, but not at your dinner date, gUrl! Come on! To play the game, you gotta play the game.

Tierra's not going to let any bus come between her and her man. She tells Sean that she's "falling" for him. Like, duh? OH. She means falling in love. (OR FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.)

Sean reveals that he thinks she's a "sweet person" and hopefully after this week he can deliver her from living with the other gUrls. What a knight!


We're 42 minutes in AND THIS IS SO BORING.


Sean is walking around the hotel with a flashlight. He sneaks into the gUrls' rooms and tells them to GET THE HELL UP and get dressed. This is exactly how my dad woke me up for school every morning.

Lindsay, CathyCat and Destinee get in Sean's Jeep just in time to watch the sunrise. How romantic!

He also reveals that they are going to be the first four people in the United States to watch the sunrise.
You know those gUrls were confused by that statement.

Sean is taking these gUrls on a "road trip." The music is leading me to believe that someone scary might be chasing them.

The trip is going to cover the entire island, from sunrise to sunset.

Do you think they called "shotgun" every time they got in and out of the car? I sure as hell would've.

I'm so bored by this road trip. I haven't heard a single Celine Dion song and no one is bitching about needing to use the bathroom. So. Not a real road trip.


CathyCat and Linds are bored, too.

They finally make it to the end of the road. There's a little bit of time before the sunset, so it's time for SEXY TIME at the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean and Linds have a little review sesh of their "relationship" on the beach. There wasn't much to review, but I'm kind of surprise ole Linds didn't bring a Power Point presentation with her.

CathyCat finally gets her alone time with Sean and she tells him that her dad lives in China. Then, she says he's had a lot of struggles and that he was "taken away." But... she does not clarify if he was taken to China or if he chose to go there? IS THAT A THING? CAN SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY TO CHINA?

[Back at the hotel: AshLee and Lesley are talking about Tierra and OF COURSE, she can hear them. Lesley is indulging in some MILLER TIME.]

Destinee has FINALLY nailed the premise of the show. A rose means you stay and guarantees some more time with SeanBoy. Nailed it, gUrl! Nailed it!

Destinee says it's HUGE to bring someone home to her family. Then, she just starts crying.

It's time to hand out the rose! SeanBoy says it's the hardest decision he's made so far. LIES.

Lindsdawg gets the rose.

Destinee, tell her what she's won!


Sean's wearing his favorite Salmon bermuda shorts for his one-on-one date with Lesley. She's wearing a matching salmon skirt.

SeanBoy wants to use today to figure out if he likes Lesley enough to travel to Fort Smith, Arkansas. Let me tell you, you gotta like someone a lot to hit that place up.

Lesley reveals that she's a Bachelor fan and that she's falling in love with SeanBoy.

Lesley's happy place is her lake house. Well, DUH. What if she was like, "I hate the lake!" RED FLAG.

Lesley gets a little bit awk and backs out of telling Sean that she's falling in love. Instead, she suggests that they pick some fruit. Normal.

Sean can tell that Lesley is nervous. But, he's also like, WAY ANNOYED.



Sean only packed linen shirts for this trip. He's nervous and he needs some advice, so ABC has flown his sister down to talk it out with Sean. He waits for her in the most natural of places.

"I'll just wait out here on this mini pier for my sister! Film me looking at the water!"

Shay is SeanBoy's role model, because she's married with kids. AND THAT IS ALL SEAN WANTS.

Shay doesn't hold back at all, "Their hearts will get broken and they'll get over it."

Shay doesn't want Sean to pick a gUrl that isn't as committed as he is. She wants him to pick someone with good intentions. OBVI.

[Back at the hotel: Tierra confronts AshLee. Tierra is convinced that AshLee is sabotaging her relationship.]

Sean explains Tierra to his sister and the second he tells her that T-Dawg doesn't hang out with the other gUrls, she KNOWS. (I knew you were trouble when you walked in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[Hotel: Tierra isn't messing around. She attacks AshLee's age and keeps talking about buses. Tierra yells at AshLee and tells her that the other gUrls are talking shit about HER and her character. But, Tierra is DONE with this conversation.

I'm done with her face!!!!!!!

AshLee goes to talk to the other gUrls and Tierra follows her. She brings the bus back up. This gUrl LOVES buses.

gUrls be mad when you don't say "good morning!"

"Raised eyebrow?! That's my face!" -- Tierra

"I've never had botox!" -- Tierra
Whoa, whoa! Did someone accuse you of that?

Tierra's parents told her she has a "sparkle."
Tierra is 24.
No one should be telling their 24-year-old child that. EVER.

If my dad told me I had "sparkle," I'd be very concerned. I don't think my dad even knows that word! I mean, not as an adjective for a person, unless he's talking about Fergie or something.

(Fun fact! My neighbors, growing-up, had a dog named 'Sparkles'. He was kind of mang-y, so we called him 'Spackles'!)

Sean suggests that Shay meet Tierra. Uh-oh!

Sean is walking up to the hotel during the middle of this meltdown.

Ohhhhhh, diss!
That really cut to the core.

Of course, Sean just misses the fight and finds Tierra on her cot. She is crying and she's being honest. She admits that she confronted AshLee and she feels like AshLee is OUT TO GET HER with her "pity" high-school-32-year-old shit!


Sean walks out on Tierra to stare at the concrete. This is his nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's been too much drama and not near enough hand holding!!!!!!!!!!

It's like that concrete spoke to him! He knows what he needs to do!

He dangles his sister in front of Tierra's face, but... it ain't happenin', gUrl. GO HOME NOW.

Sean says he can't keep her because it's "so hard on her."

Classic, Sean. Classic.
"It's not you...(it's not me either). It's YOU on this show."

Sean didn't see this coming, but he's not shocked.

T-Dawg doesn't even get to take her bag with her! She got in that mini-van without even a sweater for the plane!

Tierra cries a hard, ugly cry as she sits in the back of the van.

Sean makes it back to his sister (HOURS LATER) and lets SissyPoo know that he told T-Dawg to get on outta hurr!

"I told myself nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen." -- Tierra
It's one thing to say that as you accept 1st runner-up in the Miss America pageant. 
It's a whole other ballgame to say that as you're sitting in a mini-van, crying, while wearing a bathing suit cover-up and fake pearl earrings. 


Sparkle done left the building, gUrl!



Sean seems over-dressed for the party.

He reveals that he told Tierra to get her shit (sparkle included) and leave. He sent her home.

"Just to clarify: I'm not looking for that in a partner." -- Sean, re: drama
Each gUrl made a mental note at this clarification. 
Not looking for DRAMA. 
Might be looking for SPARKLE?

Sean has cancelled the pre-party and is moving this straight to the ROSE CEREMONY. Baby boi is tired of playing games. It's time to take care of business.

That's Sean. TCB all the time.

AshLee explains to the other gUrls that she's not dramatic, she's protective. Sure, sure! Heard that one before!

Chris is all, "this is a huge rose ceremony."
Everything's bigger in St. Croix?

AshLee is "free-king" out and she doesn't want to go home without him.
She could easily be talking about a Golden Retriever puppy right now and I wouldn't know the difference.

One rose.
Two "ladies."

AshLee gets the final rose!!!!!!

The rose spoke to AshLee and it said, "you can trust."
This gUrl be cray! She got a rose talkin' to her now!

gUrls be sad that Lesley is going home.

CathyCat is nervous. Lesley has more in common with Sean than her, so she's all..."WTF, Sean? What do you want?"

Lesley gets in the car and is STONE COLD.
No one has ever kept their game tighter in the back of the rejection car.
No one.

All the ladies who independent, throw ya hands up at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Child of destinnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy!

Way to keep it on lock for Arkansas, gUrl!

I can't believe he turned down a trip to Lesley's lake house to go to HOUSTON. Um. HELLO?! I'm guessing her house is on Lake Ouachita and let me tell you, you would rather go there than Houston. You'd rather move into the Exxon bathroom at the intersection of Highways 27 and 270 on the way to the lake (there's a Subway!) than go to Houston. But, that's just one woman's opinion (mine).


Next week Sean gets in a fight with someone's brother and talks Department of Defense spending with Lindsay's dad!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 6.

Sean wants to get back on track this week, so he stands atop a giant brush pile in the Canadian Rockies to explain to us the difference between Montana and Canada. Never too old to learn, gang!

In an attempt to let Chris Harrison show his range, ABC let him stand outside and explain the rules to the gUrls. He all but gets out a map for these ladies to explain to them where they are currently located. He told them to pack their bags and be ready to head south of the border the second Sean doesn't ask them to accept a rose.

Catherine gets the one-on-one date. She's ready to brave the Canadian wild in a pair of earrings she stole from the Pussycat Dolls.


Catherine is forced to stand outside in a blizzard and wait on Sean to pick her up in a giant truck/bus/tractor. Actually, kind of cool that they let Sean drive that thing.

Not cool?
Playing outside on a glacier all day.

They busted out that cheap Target sled as if they were just two small kids enjoying a snowy afternoon in Central Park. Love conquers all.

"Catherine and I are sledding...we're making snow angels...This is what I want in a wife." --Sean


Later, Sean and CathyCat take a carriage ride to a giant ice castle. Inside the ice castle is a cheap couch from Pier One. : (

Sean calls it the most romantic setting he's ever been in. I call it a dorm room on ice!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

CathyCat is ready to tell Sean "what he doesn't know about her." I think he wants to know if the nose ring is the result of a lazy Sunday afternoon in college OR you know, daddy issues.

CathyCat tells a story about a tree falling in the woods. (I AM IGNORING SO MANY JOKES HERE, BECAUSE I TRY TO BE SENSITIVE TO TRAUMATIC EVENTS.)

She then goes on to tell Sean that the moment she saw this horrific accident happen right in front of her eyes was the moment she knew she wanted to be a wife and mother. Being married is HER BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE. Don't get me started, Cat. Don't even get me started.

When Cat's story is finally over, Sean says, "thank you."

Last week was rough for Sean, but now it's not rough anymore because Cat told a sad story!!!!!!! VULNERABLE!!!!!!!!!!


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The seven gUrls on the group date are forced to canoe across Lake Louise in order to jump into Lake Louise.

One summer I was forced to kayak across Table Rock Lake in Missouri and I almost died 100 times!!!!!!!! And I have two fully-functioning arms and was wearing a bathing suit and shorts. It was one of the worst experiences of my life (K-2 SHOUT OUT! B.MAYES. KITTY KAT HARRIS! MEOW!).

Soak that up, people.

Also, what do these gUrls think they are doing for the day? NOT A SINGLE TOBOGGAN IN THE GROUP. Like, gUrl, your head is gonna be cold!!!!!!!!!

They finally make it across the lake. GREAT JOB, SOULSURFER. You are a true American hero.

Sean tells the gUrls he has a surprise for them.


The surprise is the "opportunity of a lifetime!" The gUrls can strip down to their 'kinis (short for bikinis and I'm copyrighting that RIGHT NOW) and jump into the lake! Of course, this will all be supervised.

"You understand that this lake is glacier-fed." -- Medical Worker
: (
There's no way that made sense to them.

The rules are: get out of the water as fast as you can.

Lesley, SoulSurfer, Lindsay and Daniella are sold.
AshLee and Tierra aren't really feeling it.

Selma said, "aww, hell no!"

Remember: Selma is from Baghdad. It's a desert there.

Sean tries to convince her to do it by telling her, "you're only going to have the opportunity to do this once in your life." YOLO, IDIOTS.

And in the smartest thing she's ever said to anyone, she looked back at Sean and said, "Bitch please! I can come back and do this any time I want. I BUY MY OWN DIAMONDS AND I BUY MY OWN RINGS!"

Child of destinnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy!

In a fit of rage, Tierra throws off her Faded Glory red pea coat and strips down! She's ready.

AshLee isn't quite there yet. She's doing it for Sean and no one EVER IN HER LIFE has made her want to do something for them. Ever? Really? I need to know more about this, gUrl.



WHAT STRONG WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who did it is super pumped afterwards and you know what, you go, gUrls!
Go gUrls, go God! (SHOUT OUT, KITTEN.)

Tierra is not so lucky. Her body can't handle it. She looks unresponsive. Sean's not a professional, so there's nothing (NOTHING) he can do to help.

"I think everyone is aware of hypothermia." -- Sean
Too much credit is being given here, SeanBoy.
So: Hypothermia Awareness Web site


Tierra is as close to death as she's ever been. Minus that time she fell down the stairs.
This is serious. (Side note: hypothermia/low body temperature seems like a really hard thing to fake. This gUrl loves a challenge!)

The medical worker on the scene wraps her in a blanket and hands her a venti coffee.
Wait. What. Is that what you're supposed to do?

Destinee and CathyCat go downstairs to check on Tierra and seem genuinely appalled that SeanBoy made these gUrls jump in the lake.

"She. was. disheveled. I've never seen anyone look like that." --CathyCat

IN A PIECE OF PERFECT EDITING, CathyCat's concerned voice over says, "She looked in such a horrible state, it makes me think: what about the gUrls?" right as the other gUrls roll back in screaming and celebrating. It was perfection. GET THESE PEOPLE AN EMMY.

The gUrls think Tierra is faking it. (How can you fake this?)

Sean, in giant basketball shorts, rolls in to check on Tierra and they giggle and giggle and Sean calls her out for managing to get one-on-one time with him via medical emergencies. DON'T HATE THE PLAYA, HATE THE GAME, SON.

NIGHT TIME PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesley gets some special time with Sean and she lets the world know, "I LOVE love!"

SoulSurfer is blinged out in a sequined tank top and she's ready to surprise Sean.

Weirdest surprise ever: she printed off some photos in black and white and showed Sean. THEN, SHE GAVE HIM THE PHOTOS. Too soon, baby gUrl. Too soon.

Hypothermia be damned! Nobody puts Tierra in a corner. She's going to that party.

"I'm crazy because I'm wearing heels." -- Tierra
Oh. No. That's not why you're crazy. 

The gUrls at the party are sitting around re-hashing their favorite Tierra moments. And then she walked in. SILENCE.

The shit hit the fan. But, really that's not a fan, it's a glacier-fed wind!

"Watch your back, we have a Tierra-or-ist on our hands." -- Lesley
I see what you did there!

Sean asks Tierra if she wants a proposal at the end of this "journey." She gives a weird answer about "smiling through the door," and is interrupted by Lindsay.

The second Lindsay sits down Sean tells her they can spend all of their kissing. If she wants. And that's what happened!

Sean gives Lesley the rose. She loves love and she loves Canada.

After the group date night party, Sean is ready to cut ties with SoulSurfer. He steals her away and takes her to another hotel room to "talk out how he's feeling."

Sean wanted it to work so badly, but it's not there. He appreciated the family photos, but you know. TOO SOON.

He doesn't want her to just sit around all day, so PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE.

SoulSurfer heads back in, tears a flowin', and tells the gUrls she's headed home. This always happens to her. Always. This ain't her first rodeo.

"I don't want to be told how great I am." -- SoulSurfer
Oh. I do!!!!!!

SoulSurfer gets in the limo of pain and torture and heads back home minus love and approximately six family photos.


One-on-one with Destinee time!!!!!!!!!!!

This is her second one-on-one, so gUrls be mad.

She wants to take the date card very literally. She doesn't want to be scared to fall in love.

Sean is wearing skinny jeans.


Sean made Destinee climb up that mountain for a picnic. But! TWIST! The picnic is down below. (Sound familiar???????????? That's why he sent SoulSurfer home!!!! He's date recycling already!!!!!)

Sean is wearing skinny jeans.

Sean wants to show Destinee that if you commit to something, you can make anything work. This is a lie. A LIE. I was super (SUPER) committed to Calculus for Business Majors my sophomore year in college. I had a tutor two or three nights a week, I studied, I went to class. I was committed. I took one test and got a 41%. I dropped the class and switched majors.

Destinee sees this rappelling opportunity as a metaphor for relationships. BORED.

"I'm so glad she got to experience that." -- Sean
That just feels like a weird thing to say. 

I zoned out for a few, but somethingsomethingNOTGIVINGUPsomethingNOFEARsomethingsomethingKISSING.

"Are you a tree climber?" --Destinee
Is that a thing? It's not a thing.

So. Yeah, they climbed a tree and kissed. Felt very 'Hunger Games'.

Destinee is ready for the nighttime activities because she wants to tell him how she feels. They are putting Montana behind them and moving forward together in a teepee.





Sean asks Destinee if she hides her feelings when she's upset. She says, "YES, but! You can ask me anything." Sounds like a sad Facebook "about me" section.

Destinee tells Sean she used to live in a tent. She didn't have money growing up.

"I think that's why I'm so humble." -- Destinee
OOPSIES. You can't say that.

Growing up poor didn't hurt Destinee. She's not bitter. She just wants to have a house full of love (with a game room and two-car garage) and puppies! She also wants a man who is assertive.

Would an assertive man wear that sweater?

Sean gives Destinee the rose.

Why are they in a teepee again? Should I be offended for Native Americans? This is a touchy subject.



Lelsey is confident tonight. She has a rose and a sock bun!!!!!

Tierra is wearing a slip (like, what goes under a dress) and a fur pelt.

Sean, your suit is too much. Pick a style! You're all over the map.

Selma is no longer staying true to her mother's culture. Baby gUrl came to play. So did her cleavage.

Culture be damned! She's going to kiss him on television.

Selma kissed him and Sean said, "thank you."

Selma said she had to bring out the big guns tonight.
She means her breasts.

Lindsay and Sean go hang out on a wicker love seat and Lindsay says she is NOT going to kiss him. Sean is pissed. He gets un-pissed when ole Linds reveals that she sleeps naked. They kiss. Gosh, that gUrl is disciplined, right?

AshLee is still talking about that lake. It's a metaphor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gives him a scarf and tells him to blindfold her and it signifies something about vulnerability and imagining the future. SHIT IS GETTING WEIRD.

He blindfolds her and then instead of him letting her walk and trusting him to lead her somewhere, he picks her up, sits her on a chair and kisses her. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are only three roses to hand out. Chris explains the math. Five girls, three roses. TWO gUrls are going home!!!!!!!!!!! That's an American-educated man, y'all!

TIERRA GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heads are spinning. Tears. Sadness. Confusion.

Selma and Daniella are going home.

Selma abandoned her morals, her culture, her mother's hopes and dreams for this and now what?!
PTL she didn't jump in that lake.

Child of destinnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy!

Daniella is in complete shock. (Wait. Really?)

"It's tough to have your heart broken." -- Daniella
You didn't even go on a date! Oopsies!

Sean tells the gUrls that he's optimistic about where they are headed and that's to Saint Croix! He specifically tells them to pack their 'kinis.


In the previews for next week we have: beaches, tears, linen shirts and bullshit.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 5.

And. Here we are on the brink of ABC's answer to the Super Bowl AND Puppy Bowl: 4 hours of BachSean and his "ladies." I haven't even started watching and I know it's going to quite possibly be the longest 4 hours of my whole entire life. My entire life. Longer than my high school graduation, longer than most football games, longer than a nap. LONG.

(If they had more puppies on here, I'd be down. HEY ABC, THAT IDEA IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!)

(I'd like to note that when I pressed 'info' on my remote it had a whole paragraph about "Seanhorsesmontanasomethingsomethingsomething HORSES" and then said, "ALSO: Drama erupts after the group date.") (They could've so much time by just saying, "Basically the same epi as last week, minus a gUrl, plus some horses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")


ChrissyPoo starts off the epi in the living room with the ladies. He's looking way casual with his untucked shirt. He speaks slowly and methodically while explaining the week to the ladies. Slowly. And. Methodically.

He then drops the news that the gUrls will be accompanying Sean, who's now a country boy (?), to Montana.

Sean's never been to Montana. He accurately describes the landscape to us, "Mountains, tall pine trees." THE DETAILS. THIS GUY IS ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS.

Sean is ready to rough it in his fitted henley and expensive brown boots. Anybody who flies into Montana and isn't wearing a fleece vest is not someone I want to go to Montana with.

The ladies arrive The Lodge (proper noun there, folks. It's the name of the place they are NOT camping.) and find the date card. Lindsay, the substitute teacher, gets the one-on-one date AND STARTS CRYING when she finds out the news.


They are taking a ride over Glacier National Park and Lindsay is excited, but she's more excited to hold hands with Sean (PROBABLY BECAUSE SEAN'S PARENTS HOLD HANDS ALL THE TIME).

Lindsay claims to be "outdoorsy," but she is wearing a scarf. So, I think she's a liar.

"I'm feeling so blessed." -- Lindsay
You aren't blessed unless you tweet it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They don't last very long in the great outdoors. Sean takes her indoors to "go deeper."

Lindsay's dad is a Two-Star General in the military. (SO. BAD ASS.)

Sean asked for details about her life, but all they talked about was how she moved around a lot as a kid and then they just kissed a bunch.

The gUrls get the group date card and learn that Tierra and Jaclyn will be on the two-on-one date. Tierra is the first person in the history of this show to be excited about this.

Sean tells Lindsay that she's going to be an incredible wife (REALLY?) and gives her the rose. Sean has ONE MORE SURPRISE for her. The surprise is a gUrl singing. The singer has some terrible dance moves and I have no idea who she is. It's probably a really good career move on her part, but if someone was surprising me with a special concert: BRING A PIANO. And like, sing a song I don't have to Shazam.

Things got really classy when Sean picked Lindsay up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her dad served in Iraq, so he's probably really proud of his baby gUrl right now.



Sean's already back-tracked on his earlier statement of, "Montana is probably the most gorgeous place I've ever seen," to, "Montana just might be one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to." Poor Montana! : (

Sean says he doesn't need an "outdoorsman" wife. That's probz good, because like, scarf, fur vest, leather jacket, $400 boots. No one has on a single item of clothing from REI.

Chrissy explains the group date competition to the ladies. He's wearing a sweater over a sweater.

Part of the competition is milking a goat, THEN DRINKING THE GOAT'S MILK.

We learn that the losers of this "competition" won't be hanging with Sean after the competition.

Somebody asked SoulSurfer IF SHE WANTED TO CANOE.
Just let that soak in for a second.

Chrissy gave the gUrls cool plaid shirts.

"Red team, milking a goat!" -- Chrissy
Probz my all-time favorite line ever said on this show. 

The red team wins.

Lesley is the most mad about this. This is evidenced by her statement of, "weak people piss me off."

"This sucks." -- Someone in the van

Chrissy shows up to The Lodge and surprises the blue team with an invite to the party. Heads are going to roll.

There must've been some sort of miscommunication in what kind of party the blue team was invited to, because they reacted like they were heading to Sigma Chi formal in Kansas City or something. No! Just drAnks by a fire with Sean and a billion other gUrls. WORST PARTY EVER.

"Inviting us to the party shows such character." -- Daniella, about Sean
Well, no. Not really. 

Selma is way mad about the inclusion of the losers. So is Des. So is Robyn. WOMEN BE TRIPPIN'.

"A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with." -- Sean

Well, yes. It can. And it did. 

Then, Tierra shows up to surprise Sean.
Sometimes, surprises are sad.
: (

Tierra doesn't care what people think of her! She needs to see her man! Bitch be cray.

"She's having a hard time handling how this works." -- Sean

Destinee is MAD because she "worked her ass off" to win and then AshLee stole Sean away and she's convinced that Sean invited all of the gUrls back JUST TO SPEND TIME WITH HER. Delusional.

"I have a soul connection with you." --AshLee

Sean wants to snuggle with Catherine.
You don't hear that everyday!
Probz goes back to his parents. His parents are probz way into snuggling.

Daniella went and creeped on Sean and Catherine and saw them snuggling and had a meltdown. MELT. DOWN. She figured out the premise of the show, then she cried. How do these gUrls not understand what's happening?????????????????????????

Sean gave Daniella the rose for being the first gUrl to accurately describe how the show works to the other gUrls.


TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean wants to know if Jackie will be his BFF.
Not exactly what you want to hear on a date.

The band of three take off on a horseback ride and Jackie is quickly left in the dust.

"These horses are like, lovers." --Tierra

Jackie is wearing earrings the size of a hubcap. Like, a hubcap for a car.

During Jackie's one-on-one time with Sean she decides to tell Sean about Tierra being totes cray. She tells a story about Tierra saying another boy, other than Sean, was cute. Like, I mean. What. I can't.

It's time for dinner and Sean pulls Tierra aside.

"I get scared because I have the biggest heart." -- Tierra

Tierra tells Sean about her ex-boyfriend dying. Sad story, yes.

But, then she says she's scared of losing someone (Sean) she's close to. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING. These stories are not comparable. Someone died! Sean is probz just not going to give you a rose!

Sean has made up his mind about who he is giving the rose to and, being true to his heart, he goes with Tierra.

Jackie tells Sean to be careful with his heart before getting into the SUV that looks like a Suburban, but is actually THE SADDEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

Sean has arranged for some fireworks and Jackie can't even see them because she has her head buried in her hands deeper than the holler. She really missed out. The fireworks were cool!


PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean gives a pre-game speech to the gUrls.

Destinee came to play tonight, as evidenced by her cleavage.
She's also figured out that Sean gives roses to the gUrls who cry and stuff. Then, I drifted off and quit paying attention for awhile, but I heard the word "confused" several times. JOIN THE CLUB, PEOPLE.

The ladies are discussing how sweet Jackie is in front of Tierra and just like a tornado of negative energy she pops up off the couch and heads off to sulk alone.

Robyn is sick of her. She's tired of it. She's going to nip this in the bud. Game's over!

Lesley has had enough as well.
Lesley makes a simple request of Tierra, "handle things like a normal human being."
If only it were that easy, baby gUrl. If only.

Tierra thinks it's ridiculous.

"This is pity bullshit." -- Tierra
She means "petty," right?

Tierra's over it.

She's so over it that she tells the gUrls she can go get engaged if she wants to get engaged!!!!!!!!
Preach. Oh wait. What? You think boyz gonna be D2M (down to marry) after seeing this?

"She needs a Xanax." -- Des
Like, who doesn't?

Sean walked by and heard Tierra drop some F-bombs. He's not happy, so he takes her outside to sit on a giant wheel. She explains that the gUrls are attacking her. She's mostly upset because she's "not a drama gUrl." Say who?

Sean pulls Lesley aside and asks her what he needs to know about Tierra. Ole Lesley does a pretty good job of describing the situation to him, but he's an idiot and doesn't get it.

SeanBoy, her earrings say it all. Those earrings are drama.
Also, she said she would bite people.
That's not a statement to just throw around!

People on bath salts bite people.

Chrissy sits SeanBoy down for a quick chat. He's transitioned from host to therapist. If I had a therapist that wore a tie like that AND had a pocket square I would not trust him. Also, he doesn't have a notepad. Therapists need notepads.

Sean still isn't understanding the Tierra situation. He's frustrated. No one has given him any evidence of Tierra being cray. So, I guess he's legally blind and deaf. Which, I think means he gets a tax break.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Destinee gets the final rose.
Robyn doesn't get a rose.
gUrls be sad.

Robyn gets into the Limo of sadness and despair and doesn't understand why Sean doesn't want her. She didn't even cry.

Sean stood outside and watched the limo drive away for like, WAY TOO LONG.

Finally. It's over.


Times the word "drama" was said: 7,897
Times the word "drama" was said per second: EVERY SECOND


The final 15 minutes of the show was a preview of tonight's epi and the rest of the season.

I saw somethingsomethingCRYINGHYPOTHERMIAsomethingsomethingELEPHANT.

So. Lots to look forward to, gang!

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