Thursday, June 24, 2010

vogue, vogue, vogue.

At 26, I've learned that there are things that I am and there are things that I am not. For example: I am a girl. I am not a boy. I am a Razorback fan. I am not an LSU fan. I am completely comfortable with who the Lord has made me to be. I am not a fashionista with a flare for accessories.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, lately, I've been getting a few questions regarding fashion advice. Now, I'm no expert (as stated above), but because this blog solely exists to serve the greater good of the InternetS I will oblige and answer the questions.

How much leopard is too much leopard?
What a great a question! I'm a believer that any animal print is too much animal print, BUT...if you have to wear it, the less is more approach is your best bet. I mean, are you trying to dress like a leopard or cheetah or zebra? No. So, I'd say that only one item of clothing per outfit can be of the animal print persuasion. I'd suggest that the item NOT be a pair of pants.

What should I wear to an upcoming wedding?
That's such a broad question. I mean, I don't know your life. But, I can tell you this: you should not wear anything that you would wear to a Halloween party or anything that you would wear to a beach. Do not wear anything revealing too much skin. Also, don't wear white. Even if the bride is the biggest skeeze in the world and she shouldn't be wearing white, you still need to respect the rules.

I always feel like I look like I'm trying too hard. How can I avoid this?
I get it, I really do. I get that everyone in the world, typically, wants to look like a) they have more money than they actually do or b) they don’t care about what they look like. These things are tricky, because more often than not they back fire. For instance, wearing a shirt with “Old Navy” across the front doesn’t say, I can afford to shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart, it says you bought your shirt at Old Navy. If you show up somewhere with a designer draped across your chest, it is not a bold proclamation of wealth and accumulation, it’s a bold proclamation that you shopped around in a bargain bin. People are much more impressed with cheap clothes that look expensive than expensive clothes. Why you ask? Because if you can find affordable clothes that look designer you can still afford your bar tab and the lease on your 3-series BMW. So, all of that being said, to avoid looking like you're trying too hard maybe just don't try?

Other items of note:
  • If you're going to church or work or even Target, you shouldn't look like you're going to the club or Vegas. Why the rhinestones? Why. the. rhinestones.
  • If you’re wearing a small child’s weight in accessories try the less is more approach to life. You aren’t being eclectic by wearing 15 bracelets and nine necklaces; you’re weighing yourself down and making a lot of noise in the process.
  • If you're a boy, wear jeans made for a boy.
  • Wear clothes that fit. Are you wearing a tube top and have more than just your arms hanging loosely? You should probably change. Are your pants so tight that upon sight people are reminded of the camel they recently saw at the zoo?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

let's talk about it.

You know what? For years I've been oblivious to the fact that as a child and tween, I dressed terribly. And when I say terribly, I mean, recently I've seen homeless people dressed better. The guy rolling his electric scooter down the one-way street the wrong way at lunch the other day at least had on a suit.

I've also come to the conclusion that really, not much has changed. Less than a month ago I saw a homeless guy in downtown Dallas dressed identically to me. Identical twins, y'all.

Basically, the only thing I have going for me at this point is that I would never, ever match an Oakland A's hat with a two-piece Crimmas sweatsuit ensemble. I'd go for a Rangers hat or something.

Monday, June 14, 2010

flag day.

There are a few days I look forward to on the ole calendar each year: Easter, President's Day, December 25th, opening day of college football season and of course, JUNE 14th: FLAG DAY.

Flag Day? Yes, Flag Day.

In 1777 the Second Continental Congress adopted the flag of the United States and so it was.

Is there a greater holiday on the calendar? Arguably, yes. But, to some this is it. This is the one.

I hope today you'll celebrate and celebrate well. Take out your flag, large or small, and wave it proudly.

This is America damn it. There may be oil in our gulf, idiots in office and uncertainty in the future of our banking system, but shit-- this is the greatest county in the world.

This is America.
Bless it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

the hills: so boring they brought JB back.

"We're friends." --Brody
I'm so glad I'm not friends with any of these people.


StacietheBartender meets up with K-Cav for a doggie play date. Of course, they dish on boys, friends with benefits and flirting.

They literally said, "Let's go out and flirt." So, they do...


LoLo, has on some really tight jeans, as she walks in to meet up with her Kappa sister, McKaela. How did this meet up even happen? Oh, wait. I know-- it was forced!

"I would recommend being nice to Kristen. It's sort of a tough crowd." --LoLo
Does tough mean generally very rude and not friendly?


"We're on the prowl tonight." --StacietheBartender

K-Cav and Stace head over to Venice and some guy in plaid asks where they are from and then screams, "Colorado?"

They are having a difficult time picking up guys, but I figure that'll happen if you go out to a random ass bar at like, 8pm on a Tuesday. Not everybody is an alcoholic with a television show to film, K-Cav.


The Brody and McKaela are on a date. It's at a restaurant. A RESTAURANT. They even have plates! But, there's no food.


StephiePratt and Auds are on a mission to find a handbag. Auds reveals that RyanCab was living with her for a while. WHAT. She also reveals that it was a little too much. Duh. That hair, 24/7?

Auds says she has to work this week. But, then she invites Stephie to tag along. Sounds like a job to me.

"I think I'm going to get this because it'll look good with a spray tan." --StephiePratt
Well, of course.


Here comes McKaela with a resume! LoLo shows her around the studio and they both are dressed kind of like they are actually working.

This interview is really lame. The guy asks her literally, 4 questions and says, "Perfect. See you at 9am tomorrow." I mean...I know she's a pretty girl and not fat and supposedly has a college degree, but is it really that easy to get a job? In this economy? WTF.


K-Cav is doing some reps at the gym, Richard Simmons style. It's totally obvious that John is not an actual trainer. He's a big guy. I bet MTV paid him 30 bones because he was available at 2pm on a Tuesday.

StacietheBartender, who apparently carries a shovel around in her purse, comes to the gym to once again, DIG UP THE PAST. Let's talk about the past, Bartender, didn't you try to hook up with SpencerBoy?

"It's sad that you guys are friends and he's taking this girl that he barely knows over you. It's just rude." --StacietheBartender
But, actually, that is kind of what happens...


AP, LoLo and StephiePratt are at AP's job in their rocker clothes to check out Purple Melon, the band, not the fruit.

They are terrible.

Out of nowhere, AP says she needs to leave because lo and behold, JUSTINBOBBY is on the stage!

"Justin's band is up there." --AP
"Wait. What? Justin's in a band?" --StephiePratt
"I thought that was always a joke." --LoLo

"Like a muppet." --LoLo

This was one of the greatest scenes ever on television. I think LoLo and StephiePratt were genuinely surprised by the fact that JB is in a band and they really didn't know. What doesn't this guy do? I mean, he does hair and make-up, rides motorcycles, cooks, wears boots on the beach and now, we learn he's a drummer. This is what you call a modern renaissance man.

JB takes off all of his clothes and eventually, after the drinks kick in, AP is having a great time, clapping along and forgetting about her JoeSimpson knock-off of a boyfriend.

AP wants to say hi to JB and JB thinks she came to just see him and then, much like a meth addict, he spits out like 17 questions at her. She says, "So many questions," and switches the subject to his hair. Good move. Don't talk about anything that matters, AP.

"I can't believe he's in a real band." --StephiePratt
As opposed to all the fake bands out there.


RyanCabbiePatch shows AP around his house and I wonder how he can afford this house when he hasn't had an album out in years, much less a song on the radio. Does he still have a record deal? I'm going to get a record deal and buy a house.

AP starts getting weird and she knows she needs to tell the CabbagePatchDoll about JB. But, duh, she doesn't.

"I leave Thursday for like, 4 shows." --Ryan
"Maybe thats a good thing." --AP
I doubt that was the response he was looking for.


Look! LoLo is at work and the new intern, McKaela, is there, too! LoLo wonders if Brody has feelings for other people.

"Be observant." --LoLo
I feel like, typically, when you're warning someone about a relationship, you tell them to be careful or something, but rarely, if ever do you tell them to be observant.


The girlies are going out on the town. StephiePratt and K-Cav are hanging out together like K-Cav has totally forgotten that StephiePratt told her legs were tiny or something! How do you just forget something like that, K-Cav?

Stacie states for the 19th time this episode that she and K-Cav are on a man hunt. We get it.

Brody and TayTay show up and tell the girlies they are just raging. What the hell does that even mean? Clearly, he and I have different definitions of the word "rage."

Brody finally, after a few minutes of being pushed into it, apologizes to K-Cav for starting to date someone while he was banging her on the side. Stand up move, Bro.

JB walks in looking homeless.

"I don't think Spike's going to like this." --JB
I can only assume he's talking about Ryan and now, that is the best nickname for anyone ever.

AP is obviously nervous around JB and he's really trying to have a conversation, but she's making it difficult.

"Don't tell anybody."--JB
Well, she won't have to tell anybody, not only was a television show filming her hanging out with JB, but a whole bar saw it and commented on it.

Brody and K-Cav leave together. BECAUSE THEY ARE FRIENDS.


Alright, seriously...this show is boring. I've been getting a lot of flack for blogging about it and it's getting harder and harder to defend it when nothing is evening happening on it. If the Pratties aren't back next week, there might not be a re-cap. Relax, I said might.

Share This