Wednesday, September 28, 2011

book review: How to Be a Reasonably Thin Teenage Girl: Without Starving, Losing Your Friends, or Running Away from Home.

First off, stop right there: yes, this is a real book.
And no, I don't know why you didn't know about it in junior high, but you do now.

This gem of a book touts chapters like, "How'd you get so fat anyway?" "How fat are you?" and "Fifty ways to lose your blubber." It's a winner and if you read it, you'll be a winner, too.

Written by an "ex-fatty" this classic piece of non-fiction really digs in to the battles of dieting/ being really fat. What's even better about this book is that the author offers up ideas on how to maintain a social life while dieting and she encourages the reader to NOT run away from home.

The book was written in 1975 and I haven't run away from home yet, so at least that part is helpful.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


If you missed my post about something awesome I already posted about, you can go find it in the archives. Or like, scroll down or something.

Friday, September 23, 2011

where i shop.

People are always blogging about where they shop.
In turn, people are always like, "gUrl, where do you shop?"

Well, internetS, wait no more. Want to get like me? Here you go.

Where do I spend a lot of money and they definitely know my name? PK's Fine Wine and Spirits. I mostly go for the spirits.

Looking for me between 5:05 pm and 5:25pm on a Monday, Wednesday or Thursday? Try the local Kro-Gay at Cedar Springs and Douglas. I spend more time there wondering if they'll start stocking egg whites than you could ever fathom. I would guess that at least, 3/8 of each paycheck is spent at Kroger.

I guess, technically, I don't "shop" at Exxon, but I sure as hell do spend a lot of money there. I might get "Tiger Marrrt" tattooed on my lower back to prove my loyalty sooner than later.

When I want to hate myself or eat really good food that feels like I actually cooked it-- I go here. I'm probably at Eatzi's 3 days a week. If you want to meet a nice yuppy man, you should venture in. If you want to meet a gay man who likes fancy cheese, you should venture in.

Well, you've seen where I shop.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Like most people, I was born to a father and a mother.

My father, The Reg, happens to be turning 60 today. 60! That age used to sound so old to me and even now it seems a little odd that I'm old enough to have a dad who is 60, but The Reg acts like such a young whipper-snapper, you'd never know!

I feel like I've written tons and tons about The Reg on here, so I'll spare you, but just know-- if I had gotten any of Reggie's actual brains and skills this blog would not exist. He's so left brain oriented I sometimes wonder if he has a right side to his brain. But, he's wonderful and the best 60-year-old dad there ever was.

Before 60.


The Reg is also the greatest 60-year-old grandfather! Just call him R-Diddy!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

expert advice: fashion.

I hate to call myself an expert on anything because I only have a bachelor's degree and I've only been to the end of the internetS once, but pretty much I'm an expert on four to five things: Presidents, Arkansas, reality television, Shetland ponies and of course, fashion.

If I had $1.12 for every e-mail, text or phone I got concerning my wardrobe, I'd be rolling around in about $4.48 by now! you, the readers of this web log, I'm just going to break down my personal style for you.

I'm only going to touch on the high points, because let's be honest: I could go on for weeks and weeks about this.

We begin with a look that can be worn in the nighttime, the daytime, to a birthday dinner for a friend, to your own birthday party, to daytime drinks, to anything!

Shirt: Ralph Lauren Polo-- doesn't have to be plaid.
Jeans: Gap-- These happen to be skinny.
Shoes: Toms
Optional Accessories: Sunglasses
Not Optional Accessories: Pearl earrings, watch

Next up is an outfit that's a great choice for a night out with your favorite gal pals.
Shirt: Vintage blouse (only one stain, not visible) found in a closet
Jeans: Gap
Shoes: Toms

Everyone knows a concert is the best time to try out a new outfit! The NKOTB/BSB concert was no exception for me!

Shirt: Bought at a gas station near the Grand Canyon (changes color in the sunlight)
Jeans: Gap
Shoes: Toms

And ladies, don't be afraid to accessorize! You can go from pearl to diamond earrings in a flash!

And don't be afraid to get funky! You can wear red Toms with a yellow blouse! Or plaid Toms with a plaid shirt! Just be you!

Friday, September 9, 2011


When you're a senior in high school and three weeks shy of your 18th birthday not only is the world your oyster, but you think you own that world and that you're basically immortal.

I was a stereotypical senior in high school. I was over high school, wanted to do nothing but be with my friends 24/7, I rarely studied and I thought my hometown was the tiniest place on Earth.

Everything changed that Tuesday morning though as I sat in my "Transitions to College Mathematics" class with five or six of my closest friends and watched one tower catch fire as a plane crashed into the other tower.

When our vice principal came over the intercom to make an announcement about a plane crashing into one of the World Trade Center towers, I thought, "This has to be a terrible, terrible accident," but as we turned on the television and saw another plane do the same thing just minutes later, we all knew it wasn't a terrible accident, but a terrible tragedy that was far from an accident. This happened on purpose and while it was very much a direct hit to two office buildings thousands of miles of away, only known to me because they routinely showed the NYC skyline on "Friends," it felt like it happened in my backyard.

The first period math class that was typically a circus and platform for my almost 18-year-old comedy routines turned eerily somber. This class, where even my best friend, the homecoming queen and nicest person ever born, routinely got in trouble for talking, was suddenly silent, suddenly respectful of our teacher and suddenly fearful. In an instance we seemed to go from invincible to terrified. We went from knowing everything to knowing nothing in 18 minutes.

As the bell rang and we shuffled off to our next class, we learned that a third plane had crashed into the Pentagon. At that point, I was panicked. I knew if they could get to the Pentagon, they could get anywhere. The Pentagon was a military fortress. It housed all the people and plans that protected us from events like this.

The rest of that day and week are kind of a blur, but I do remember waking up that Wednesday and feeling different. There was no sense of security in anything any more.

I think that day, more than my 18th birthday, marks my passage into adulthood. But, it was also a day that proved to me just how young and naive I was and am. I'm not invincible and never will be.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


I toe the line between being fiscally responsible and cheap.

I mean, I have a shirt in my closet that I bought in 10th grade. It still fits and I've worn it to work twice in the last year. That's just one example. Spending money just doesn't come super easy to me.

However, there are two areas that I absolutely refuse to skimp on: name brand toilet paper and cereal. I don't eat that much cereal, but I made a vow to myself and to my God long ago that I'd never eat (or buy) cereal out of a giant bag that can typically be found on the bottom of an aisle at the grocery store. I also refuse to drink cheap vodka, but that's a different story (and problem) entirely.

Anyway. I digress.

Back to the subject at hand: toilet paper and why I pay attention to it.

I do enjoy the finer things in life and that's why I prefer to use soft toilet paper. Since beginning to buy my own toilet paper in college I've typically been a Charmin gUrl. Sure, I've purchased Cottonelle from time to time, because hello! Have you seen that puppy on their label? And the commercials? Puppies sell shit (zing!).

However, lately Charmin has started to concern me. Ie; its commercials.

What in thee cornbread hell is up with that bear that can't properly wipe his own butt? Not only that, we have to see the mama bear come in and clean up the leftover toilet paper in baby bear's butt.

This is concerning for a number of reasons: First, why is the mama bear checking? Second, maybe she wasn't checking, maybe she just happened to notice it because the bears don't wear pants! Third, bears don't wipe their butts with toilet paper! Do they?

Maybe this is TMI for you, internetS, but personally, I think Charmin is the guilty party. What if they filmed these commercials with people instead of bears? Can you imagine? Gagsies. Have some decency, people.

As an adveritsing/marketing major in college I attempted to learn about the very subject of commercials and appealing to people in the way that after seeing an ad, said people would need said product. After seeing this commercial numerous times over the past few months the only thing I need is a barf bag.

Typically, a marketer aims to appeal to the decision maker. In most cases, the mother or children (for household items and food). I'm not a mother, but I have one and I tend to think like a child and I still cannot fathom how this appeals to anyone.

What household decision maker sees a mama bear picking toilet paper out of a baby bear's butt and decides they need that kind of toilet paper? On all things good and holy I hope zero.

[end rant.]

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

to the nephew.

Dear Favorite Nephew,

I cannot believe you are actually, really here. I feel like we waited on you for so long, but once you got here it was like nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. That sounds dramatic considering I had absolutely nothing to do with the whole process of bringing you into the world, but someday you'll love something so much that it brings out the dramatic side in you. Don't get a big head-- I'm the same way about Franklin Pierce and the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you are wonderful and brilliant. You are perfect. I can say that because it's in the Bible.

You're young and you have a bazillion opportunities ahead of you. You can literally do and be anything you want. That seems bold because right now you can't do a single thing on your own, minus breathing, which, I imagine, is even difficult for you at times because you're a tiny human being. And yes, it's hard to take someone serious who sits around in their own poop, but soon you'll be there. You can do anything.

I know we've only known each other for 6 days so it seems like I'm coming on strong, but I'm not. I'm not coming on strong because I believe in you and I love your parents. Your parents are wonderful and kind and smart and loving. They are going to introduce you to all the right things-- Jesus, seat belts, fried chicken, toilets, hygiene, the Razorbacks and time management. I'm going to introduce you to all the right things that (some) taken out of context could seem not right-- dancing, rap music, time management (concerning the left lane), hair care, Ralph Lauren, the political genius of Abraham Lincoln, non-fiction books and written correspondence (not e-mail and not texts). I'm sure that seems like a lot considering that, as we discussed earlier, you legitimately cannot do one thing for yourself at the present moment, but hey-- you gotta start sometime, right? Right.


More than anything, I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved today and you were loved before you even got here. You were prayed for you and you were wanted. You are important and matchless.

I'm sorry that the first few years of your life are going to be spent in Harrison, Arkansas, but I promise to make your dad take you to see the sights in at least Branson, if not Springfield.

I love you, Nephie. Be good.

-auntie lc

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

bach pad: epi 5.

Chris tells the gang to partner up and get to know each other because from here on out-- it's a competition built for two. This episode, it's a game!

Could Blake be any more miserable? I haven't seen a grown man in a vest sulk that much since Nick Carter's E! reality show got canceled. Erica seemed really confused by the fact that everyone partnered up so quick. I'm not sure why-- they've been partnered up since epi 2. And Blake, Erica's a lot smarter and prettier than Holly, PULL IT TOGETHER.

The pairs sit around and get to know each other. Graham doesn't know CAM's favorite color, so they devise a scheme. Kasey and Vienna know SOOOOOOOOOO much about each other, so they go to bed (this is called foreshadowing).

Oh, goody. A game show!
It's time to play the "Nearlywed Game!"

Erica doesn't think Michelle has a sense of humor and Kasey think Vienna's exes miss her teeth. How do you miss a person's teeth? Seriously, even if they're great teeth, how do you miss those?

Michael has a bigger interest in Holly than Blake and that whole situation is becoming WEIRDSIES.

Everyone hates Blake. Surprise, surprise.

About the time Graham tells everyone he lost his virginity at 7 is the same time everyone figured out they had a plan. Ding! Strategy! I'm impressed that they even thought of this and relieved because their answers for some of those questions were like, "WHOA."

Graham and Michelle win.
Good for them.

Later, Holly and Blake are flirting and drinking. Michael is wearing a sleeveless shirt. Even later, everyone is sitting around and in the distance, the sound of a helicopter is heard...the gang freaks out, as if none of them have ever been on a freakin' helicopter. Eventually, the helicopter lands in the driveway (surely, there's like an FAA code against that?) and Graham and Michelle get whisked away to a pool and a white sheet doubling as a theater screen.

Kasey and Vienna are frustrated.
They take these frustrations public.
I can't think of anything more inappropriate.

Apparently, Vienna told Kasey she'd have sex with him. But, then she didn't, so Kasey took (see: RIPPED) the ring her gave her off of her finger. Vienna explained to Kasey that "No, is no." Kasey just wants to cuddle with her. Where's the harm in that, V? Kasey tells Vienna that he's leaving if she won't cuddle with him. Finally, Vienna goes downstairs. When they show the infrared cameras, it looks like a lot more than cuddling was going on.

"This is a mansion, not a trailer park." --Erica, on Vienna

Erica clears the room to talk to Blake and she makes it very clear that it's time for Blake to get over it and get rid of Holly and Michael. Blake looks like someone stole all of his vests when he thinks about having to vote Holly off.

Erica and Blake leave and everyone sits around at dinner and talk shit about Blake. They discuss how manipulative he is, how shady he is (which is, "shady as F," according to Kirk) and how much they hate his vests. Holly stares off into the distance and thinks about Blake on his date with Erica.

On that date we learn that Erica talks to her dead friends.
How many dead friends does she have?

Erica is not subtle and she basically tells Blake she's ready to give it to him. She continues to tell him this for the next 17 minutes. You'd think she'd give up after like, 4-5 minutes. But, no. She does everything but force him into the deed. It was so uncomfortable I felt like I had a Unicorn digging into my rib cage. She gropes him, begs him and rubs him...all while wearing a tiara. In the middle of all this they learn they have two roses and they can save a couple.

For the 1,987th time Michael tells Holly that he loves her and he wants to kiss her every time he sees her. He also apologizes. Holly is sooooooooooooooooo confused.

Twenty minutes later, Erica is still trying to get a piece of Blake.
Has anyone ever looked more desperate on television? But, seriously?
Finally, Blake gives Erica the, "no means no" talk.

Ella sees herself and Kirk as a power couple, which leads me into the weekly discussion of what a power couple is and baby gUrl, it's not you and Kirk. Do you look like Faith Hill? Is Kirk Tim McGraw? No. I feel like that's the couple Ella can most relate to. She probably doesn't know who James and Dolley Madison are. Poor gUrl.

About this same time, Vienna and Kasey manipulate Blake and Erica into giving them the safe rose. They stole it right outta Ella and Kirk's sad little sob story hands.

Everyone cries.
And by everyone, I do mean Ella.

Vienna does a creepy dance with the rose. I wish I could put the video on here because it was just weird.

Michelle likes Ella, but she's not falling for the pity party. She's a single mom, too. She's had sad stuff happen to her, too. Vienna, not to be out done, makes it known that she's got a sad story, too. We can't forget Kasey! He's sad, too!

Why can't these people just be real with it? Just be all like, "Dude, I just want the 250k." What's it matter why some needs it? I could use 250k. Who couldn't? Shit, the United States Government could use 250k.

Blake and Holly cuddle up (not like Kasey and Vienna) and kiss. Michael sees it. He's sad. He then asks Holly to vote Blake off. Holly cries and goes and sits in the shower to write Blake a note about how sad she is that he's leaving.

"Blake definitely violated man code." --Graham
That's because he's a little baby!

Finally, the crying stops and Holly votes.
She votes the baby Blake off. She cries some more.

Erica is PIST (see: pissed).

"Tonight was a great injustice." --Erica
Erica, do you know what that word means? This is NOT a good example of an injustice. It's not even in the same realm. Like, it's an injustice that you used the word injustice to describe this situation.

Blake saves the note from Holly.

I wish that the Bachelor Pad house would implode.

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