Wednesday, March 31, 2010

lawd, have mercy.

This is wonderful.

"Lawd, have mercy...she woke up feelin' like a black man?"

"With a bottle? Not just a shot..."

"Where else is a pedicure supposed to go? On your face?"

"She gonna fight all night long until the morning. Vampire. Crazy."

"I ain't got a care in the world. Course not. She don't care."

"Girl, how drunk is you? Mick Jagger...maybe you haven't seen him...that's who needs to be on the CURB, curb...kick HIM to the curb."

"Mick Jagger and Jack Daniels don't mix."

Monday, March 29, 2010

i am loved.

I tend to believe that I'm pretty self-aware.

Before you start believing that I'm incredibly introspective or deep, know that that statement simply means: I'm well aware of the fact that not everyone I meet wants to be my bestie and that a large majority of my friends want to punch me on a regular basis. I'm lucky in the fact that my friends take the good, with the bad. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm a completely ridiculous (read: responsible and timely) travel companion and it's come dangerously close to ruining some relationships.

People often tell me that I have "one million friends," or, "you'll have to have 27 bridesmaids..." and I tend to combat those statements with a simple, "no, I don't." I mean, I know I have a lot of friends, but mostly I am just really good at keeping in touch with people and making sure that people I think are cool and worthwhile stay in my life for a long time. Really, it's a pretty selfish way of living. I make a new friend and then sit back and wait on them to get famous or something so I can capitalize on it. This is also a good philosophy to maintain when you like to travel. If you have friends scattered across the globe, you have rides from the airport and free places to stay.

I digress.

Yesterday, I felt loved. Not just loved, really loved. Christmas morning type love. Yesterday, I actually believed I might be close to having a million friends.

Yesterday, I took the plunge and got baptized. Again, kind of. I was baptized as an infant, but have been fighting my flesh and my pride for years now on doing it again as a full-fledged, all-out believer.

I got to stand in a jacuzzi (literal) in front of, oh, 700 people (ish) and tell God's story. And as I told that story I got to scan the crowd and look past the precious couple** on the front row nodding their heads and smiling at me as if they were stage parents cheering me on in my 5th grade recital and see my friends. I got to see love acted out, which is rare. It's not easy to get up and come to the 9am service at my church, but they did it. They came. And I felt so loved.

Casting my pride and flesh aside is incredibly difficult and an hourly struggle for me most days, but yesterday it was so easy. It was so easy because people that have been walking beside me for years and years (and some, only a few months) were there supporting me. It was seriously over-whelming to realize just how blessed I am in the area of friendship. The Lord has produced and provided.

So, big-time SHOUT OUT to Lauren, who actually baptized me and has been the most faithful and loyal friend to me in my darkest of days and in my best days. Thanks for not drowning me.

And big-time SHOUT OUT to everyone who was there to see me take the plunge. I can't wait to party in Heaven with you all! Since, now I'm officially in!

Also, praise be to God for my mother, who flew in for the occasion and put aside her John Wesley beliefs for the morning to worship Baptist-style. The Reg couldn't make it, but he did buy me some new jeans for the occasion. He doesn't know he did, but woo hoo! Thanks anyway!

** To the couple on the front row: sorry I picked y'all out in the crowd to focus were just so sweet looking and you kept nodding and are precious and you helped me remember that a baptism is not a performance and that a microphone and a crowd in front of me does not mean it's time to try out new material. Thank you.

Friday, March 26, 2010

road map.

It's incredibly hard to determine where you're going, if you aren't sure where you have already been. Since it's obvious I have already been down the denim-on-denim Mickey Mouse road, I can now steer clear of that path and choose something different.

** It's slightly terrifying to look at my hair, smile and clothing choices in this photo. It makes me wonder if anybody actually loved me. I have my doubts. Big ones.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

still spinning.

Well, this is a big effing deal, ain't it?

Congratulations, America, you're still here. The world is still spinning.

Still spinning in spite of health system reform. Still spinning in spite of the shit storm that has become Congress as of late. I want to take a moment to tell everyone to just calm the hell down. Relax. This is the greatest (READ: BEST) country in the world. The whole world. The whole world that is still on its axis.

Technically, because of my j-o-b I'm not allowed to share much of my opinion in a public forum (read: the internetS) about this subject, but I can say: no, this bill is not perfect. Yes, it seems like the government is getting larger and larger and opinions of the people are getting ignored more and more, but...change isn't always bad. Our health system is severely flawed. Severely. It needed some work.

It seems to me like the majority of people complaining know nothing about what is actually going on (read: typical). An uninformed opinion is worthless. Why don't you study the bill before you call Glen Beck and start an uprising? I'm all for an uprising, but at least make an effort to know what you're so pissed off about.

I mean, I wish this would've been around when I graduated from college so I could've stayed on the Reg's insurance a little longer. Would've saved both of us some drama. Also, let's get excited about the fact that this bill eliminates the ability for your insurance company to deny you coverage because you have a pre-existing condition. It creates a high risk pool from which people will be able to procure insurance with caps on out-of-pocket costs AND insurance companies can no longer drop you if you become ill. Um, yes, please.

I bet you didn't know ACNE is a pre-existing condition. It is, look it up.

All of that being said, this is far from over. But, it's far from being a crisis, too. It's simply change.

** Please note that I am just about convinced that Thomas Jefferson is constantly turning over in his grave as of late. The man is getting very little resting in peace.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

the vegas.

Last weekend, I went to the Vegas. It was my first trip to the Ed Hardy capital of the free world and it was surprisingly pleasant. I came home with cash in my wallet and no visible signs of impending death, so, in my book, I came home a winner.

I'm still not 100% sure how that happened, but it did. I mean, anywhere that expects me to wear heels and a dress two nights in a row is not the place for me. Any place that will give you free booze while you can literally throw your money down a toilet is not the place for me. And any place that is open past 10pm and frowns upon you resting your feet on a couch that said establishment provided is not going to wind up on my good list, the grace of God I came out on top. Vegas didn't beat me.

Here are the lc's tips on not letting the Vegas beat you:

1. Skip the sequins and the rhinestones. They just weigh you down. You need to be nimble in Vegas for two reasons, first, it's easier to pry yourself away from gaming tables and second, there are so many people around that it is difficult to move at times and the lighter you are on your feet, the better. So, stick with basic black and wear a broach or something. No sequins. No rhinestones.

2. Don't judge. If you're in Vegas, you're going to see crazy shit, remember that and live your life. Say some prayers while you're there and just go with it.

3. Just go with your heart. When you're gambling it's easy to get wrapped up in the fear and the "what-ifs," but like in any other life situation, it's best to just follow your heart. If your heart says to keep feeding the slot machines Jacksons, then keep feeding the slot machines Jacksons.

4. Don't sit down. If you're in a club and you want to stay there, don't sit down. Bouncers prey on girls who sit down.

5. Don't fall asleep. If you're in a club and you somehow managed to sit down, stay awake! Bouncers prey on girls who sit down and then fall asleep.

6. Remain fully clothed at all times. If there is any explanation needed you probably shouldn't go to the Vegas.

If you follow these guidelines you're assured to at least leave the Vegas alive, with most of your dignity in tact. However, these guidelines can be abandoned immediately if a Kardashian is in sight.

Monday, March 8, 2010

ass. u. me.

Admittedly, I had never heard the phrase, "When you assume, it makes an ass out of you and me," until fairly recently. You know, like the last two years or so. I don't know how I missed this gem of a cliche considering it contains one of my most favorite and used words, ass, but I did. Just swept right over it.

I'm real big on sizing people up. Real big on assuming I know just about everything and real big on assuming I'm almost always right or at least in the ball park of being right. This way of life has gotten me into trouble more than once. I've issued more than one apology because of it and yet, I still do it. In recent years I have tried to at least assume the best until someone tells me the worst, but mostly-- I assume and I live. I apologize and I move on.

I see the harm in this, but I ask you this, internetS-- when you see a truck or car driving down the street with flames painted all over it, do you not assume that the driver of said vehicle is uneducated and more than likely, illiterate? Do you not immediately assume that the owner of this flaming vehicle is seven notches lower on the totem pole than you? I mean, how does one keep from assuming that? Please, tell me how you do it. I just can't help it-- I see a low-riding Chevy S-10 pick-up with some flames on the doors and I say, "well hello, man who beats his other-half." I know it's wrong, but I don't want to be right.

And what about a person wearing Ed Hardy? How am I supposed to assume that a person who would consciously wear a bedazzled tiger across their chest isn't brain dead?

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm just as much an ass as bedazzled tiger man. But, maybe more conspicuous. I keep my ass-ness on the lowdown. At least until I start talking.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

train. wreck. all aboard.

We knew it was coming. We knew he was going to choose the hood-rich hoochie over the Disney character divorcée. So, why all the hoopla? Why the backlash? Why did sheer panic set in last night when it actually happened? I'm not sure, but I can tell you this: Jake needs to get his shit together and fast.

I have a fairly decent idea about how much money a regional pilot for American Airlines makes (big write up in the Dallas Morning News a few months ago) and it's not Chris Harrison money, but boy better get a pre-nup signed. Today. And he should pay to have Vienna's tattoo removed. Yesterday. He should have done that yesterday.

How weird was the interaction between Jake and Tenley last night (on ATFR)? Hello, awkward. He told her he loved her. This is right after we watched two hours (two hours I will never, ever see again) of him he-hawing about being completely and totally in love with two different women. Mama ain't alright with that. In my world, if you're in love with two different women you're cheating on someone and/or someone is getting the wrong end of the deal. That doesn't bother Vienna? I can definitely see how he could like one more than the other or really like this about one and that about the other...but...that's never what he said. I totally understand the premise of the show and all, but I've never seen anyone take it quite to the level that this tool shed did.

Let's discuss Jake's mother and her weird obsession with girls getting along. I can totally see how a daughter/sister-in-law could come in and steal away a son/brother or drive a wedge between family, but this woman was like, weirdly obsessed about Marsha and Jan welcoming in Cindy with open arms. I happen to really like (and love) my sister-in-law (SHOUT OUT! Jennifer!) and we get along well, but when my brother brought her home/said he wanted to marry her/proposed there was never a huge emphasis on the two of us getting along. Us getting along is a bonus. Just seemed weird and creepy that that was Jake's mother's number one priority in all of this. She could care less that this girl is clearly trashy, inarticulate, spoiled, immature and an incredibly poor dresser (if I'm saying it, you know it's bad).

Here's hoping Jake and Vienna have a lifetime of happiness together. I think it's only a matter of time before Vienna is working at the Twin Peaks on I-35 right before you get to Lewisville. You know the one.

One more thing, I'd rather have someone carve out my left eye with a butter knife than watch Jake on "Dancing with the Stars." No, but seriously...choke me with his shell necklace and stuff vienna sausages down my throat. It ain't happening.

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