Tuesday, October 1, 2013

on goodbye.

Seven years ago my parents dropped me off on Shady Brook Lane, in the 75206, told me to call them (but not to ask for money) and drove away.

As they drove away, I didn't even stop to reflect on the fact that I was jobless and had a car with some sort of fluid leaking out of it. It was leaking enough to cause my father to show me how to open the hood and refill it when necessary. Like, what a way to roll into adulthood-- leaking fluid.

I had a 6-month lease, which meant I had 6 months to "make it" in Dallas. I didn't really have a plan or a single goal, other than to get my father off my back and get off his payroll. My other goal was pretty simple: to move back to Arkansas as soon as possible.

Before long, "as soon as possible" turned into 7 years.
"As soon as possible" turned into a great job, great friends and a great church home, that I just couldn't leave.

But, then, "as soon as possible" turned into a nephew 400 miles away, another nephew on the way, a tinge of career burnout and the longing in my heart to fulfill my original goal of moving back to Arkansas.

This goodbye feels different than the goodbye to my childhood home and my college town. Where, those goodbyes were difficult, they were expected. You're supposed to leave home and you're supposed to leave college. There are rules and grieving periods for those goodbyes, so how do you say goodbye in this situation?

Is it even an actual goodbye?

I can come back here, as there's no end period for adulthood (aside from death). I can't go back to high school or my freshman dorm (I mean, I can go back to my freshman dorm, but I'm not ready to be "that lady" yet). This goodbye isn't expected and there's no rulebook.

So, rulebook or not, here's my attempt at goodbye to this strange, strange place.


You are weird. And not in the good way. 

But, you are good. In a weird way. 

I love you, in spite of our differences. You have taught me about things I never knew existed before moving here, mainly like, designer labels and really good food, but also about community and loving others. I've experienced the depths of darkness in this town and the highest forms of friendship. I built a life here. A good one. 

Dallas, I'm not mad at you, it's just time to go. 

I'll always have a special place for you in my heart. I'll tell others I grew up here and I'll come visit often. 

PLZ don't write. 

I love you, I hate you, I LOVE you. 


I'm leaving Dallas a completely different human being than how I arrived. I'm mostly better and definitely have more opinions on where one should and shouldn't buy produce.

I think I accomplished most of my goals.

And if anything, I have a car that (at this time) is NOT leaking much of anything. So, all in all, let's consider this phase of life a win.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : finale.

"And tonight...WHAT WILL DESIREE DO?"


This is how we were lured in to the show tonight. I mean. CRUSHED FOREVER.

The show starts with Chris and a live studio audience. I've long wondered how these women end up in that studio audience. Like, what decisions were made in their lives prior to this to get them to this point?


Now, we're back in Antigua and baby gUrl got dat beach wave rollin' through dat mane of her's!

Des is just recapping last week for us and personally, I can't deal anymore.

I want Des to live and I want Des to love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris rolls up and the therapy session begins.

He asks, "how are you doing today?"
Des mumbles, "I'm okay."

"No you're not." -- Chrissy Poo
Nailed it. 

I've never seen anyone less "okay" in my entire life.

Almost immediately Chris brings up the other two guyz and baby gUrl don't even care. She almost musters up when smiles talking about them, but that snot rag isn't too far away.

Des doesn't want the boyz to feel the way she feels, so she wants to soldier on.

I'm fast-forwarding now.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lot of tears over here.

I don't care two anythings about rugs, but DAT RUG IS BANGIN.

This might be the best Des has looked all season, got dat casual beach flow going.

Des explains the sitch to the bros and for a brief second you think, okay, baby G put it on lock. She's okay. Then, she starts bawling and literally begs the dudes to tell her if they don't want that damn rose.

At this point, baby boyz are just standing there. They have to be a little confused and concerned. Right? I mean, all she said was Brooks left and she's sitting there crying like every single one of her grandparents and half a dozen puppies died in her arms.

Music comes on, it's sad and then a lil' uplifting.

Chris and Drew accept the roses.
Long hugs.

"I could tell she was emotional." -- Chris
Like, what gave it away, Chris?



But, seriously. Some of these ladies probably had to take off work for this, right?
They made the decision to travel to LA for this.

Old dude in the audience looks like a weird version of Harrison Ford and Robert Redford. Got dat linen top on lock. Someone told him he was going a filming of "CSI: Miami" or something. How else would you get an old man there?

At this point, everyone thinks Brooks is coming back. Lots of "Wooooooooooo!" in the audience.

I mean. I know I write a blog about this show (SHOUT OUT), but I just can't imagine being in this audience and analyzing these "relationships." How do you get there? But, how did I even get here? I mean, this is my life now.


Des wakes up in Antigua and she's writing in a journal. WHY ISN'T SHE SKETCHING? She's completely lost touch with herself at this point. Brooks stole her life away from her. Her muse is gone.

Des wants to give these relationships a chance, so she pulls on half of shirt and gets back on that horse! (Literally, she got on a horse.)

Drew ain't scurred.

Des introduces JUDY, the horse, to Drew and immediately you can tell that this isn't going to end well for Drew. And maybe even for Judy.

There's just no way I can take a horse named JUDY seriously.


She's a "designer," but I'm SERIOUSLY questioning her fashion sense and this is coming from a gUrl who has, in recent past, been told on multiple occasions that yes, one can own too much plaid.

They get to the beach and let the horses roam, because this a TV show and you don't have to tie them up, because someone else will do it. What a life, right? I'll just get off this horse and let it roam on the beach!

Drew toasts to "being madly in love," and basically him saying that was his way of throwing shit into a giant fan.

So, the shit hits the fan and Des be cryin.

Drew is confused because like, she's not even wearing a shirt and he's like, YOU AREN'T WEARING A SHIRT, DON'T ADVERTISE WHAT ISN'T ON THE MENU.

Des, in a million years, never wanted to hurt Drew, but she just knows. She just knows.

Drew is NOT the angel for her.

Drew tells Des to NOT apologize for not being in love with him. He's sweet to her, but doesn't really have all that much to say. Long hug, tears, deep sigh.

I failed to mention that Des is most definitely wearing sweat pants on the beach.

Home gUrl wore sweatpants to the beach.

Drew starts walking and I don't know where he's going. Seems like a long walk. I don't think he knows where he's going either. I'm sure they edited out the part where he's just screaming, "Judy! Judy!"

We also have an interview/voice over from Drew going on.

"I really loved her... I really do love her...I don't get it... I never thought that it would be like this...I DON'T EXPECT A PERFECT LIFE. I want one, wouldn't know what to do with one." -- Drew
Feel like I'm watching a show on the WB right now. 
And how passive aggressive. He wouldn't even know what to do with a perfect life? I know what I'd do-- I'd walk around just throwing $1 bills in the air and eating all the gluten you could fit on a plate. I'd ride a horse to the beach and let it roam, because I can and then I'd probably travel. 


Des rolls out of her hut and spends some time looking out over the Caribbean. She doesn't know if she's going to say goodbye to Chris. She's just going to play it by ear.

Des tells Chris they are going on a boat and Chris reacts to the news like he's the first person to ever go on a boat. Ever.

"What?! Yes!" -- Chris, about a boat
Chill out. People die on boats. 

Chris tells Des that he wanted to console her while she was crying the other day, but he couldn't BECAUSE THIS IS A TV SHOW AND NO ONE CAN ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

They set sail and then head to a baby shower? I mean, why are they drinking punch out of crystal mugs? You know someone below deck scooped that punch out of a giant bowl. I bet there was sherbet in it, too.

They jumped off that boat like it was the Grand Canyon, when I'm fairly certain it was maybe four feet.

Des is hopeful and she's going to trust her heart.

It's time for sexy time at the VERANDAH RESORT AND SPA. And let me tell you, that place must be a five-star resort because they got papyrus font workin on that logo.

"Sometimes life is hard to accept." -- Des

Chris wants to make a toast and then he thanks her for "this amazing experience," and then the two of them just start jabbering about something and then say, "Cheers!" in terrible British accents. : (

I feel uncomfortable because they seem awkward. Like, not in a bad way, but just awkward. I don't even know what the hell they are talking about.

Something about: no steps back, oh hey!, they've known each other forever, flowing naturally, progression

Chris shares his feelings and shockingly, Des says, "Me, too!"
I'm worried for her. I just want her to tell me how she feels about women going back to work after they have a baby OR immigration reform. I just want her to have an opinion.

Chris asks Des if he can meet her family and of course, he can!

Then, Chris gives Des, her "own journal." OOPZ. She already has one. : (

In the back of the journal he wrote all of the poems.

"I feel like I'm the luckiest gUrl alive." -- Des
If you were the luckiest gUrl alive you wouldn't have to listen to all these damn poems. 

Also. That's the second journal she's been gifted this season.

Des is crying about no one loving her as much as she's loved them and I'm like JUNIOR HIGH.

Now, she's telling Chris he's the greatest man she's ever known.


We're back in the audience and we're forced to listen to an interview from SeanBoy and CathyCat and they won't tell ChrissyPoo their wedding date. Like they actually have one and like anyone actually cares.

"But, you're doing good?" -- ChrissyPoo
No, no, no, no. 
Superman does GOOD, people are doing well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We then had to listen to those breezes from SeanBoy's season discuss Des and her feelings.
But, not before they each get a jab in on SeanBoy.


Des takes some more time to reflect while looking at some boats.

She straps up her wedges and goes to meet Chris and take him to her family.


Chris is worried about BrotherBear.

Desiree's Dad is wearing classic dad sandals.
Props to him though, my dad would totally rock his New Balance 407s.

BrotherBear immediately "asks the tough questions," and I'm bored. He's trying to play this game and like, he's just asking questions.

Dad, in his dad sandals, asks Chris to take a hike, but they just sit down on a bench on the porch.

Chris starts talking A LOT and Dad takes off his glasses and can't say anything.

Dad just nods his head and agrees with everything Chris says and then gives his daughter's hand in marriage to Chris WITHOUT ASKING A SINGLE QUESTION.

I mean, he's sweet... but, come on Dad! He didn't ask if he has a reliable mode of transportation or if he even has a job, because if he has a job why is he wearing those pants?

BrotherBear sits down with Des and is actually being sweet, but this is still painful.

"You really cared about Brooks, but now that that ship has sailed are you disappointed?" --BrotherBear
Oh, Brother comin' in hot!

BrotherBear is super sunburned and you know he has been milkin' this free vacay on ABC's tab. He's probz done para-sailing, snorkeling, got a photo with a Stingray, ALL OF IT. He has definitely had more than one frozen drank out of a giant plastic tube, too.

I'm sure someone fed him those questions, but at least he asked!

The last time I dated a guy I called my brother to tell him and he said, "Does he like sports? Okay, that'll be fine!" So. I mean. Brothers, right?


Big day, big day!

Chris (not Harrison) is ready to get this show on the road and propose.

He heads out to meet Neil Lane, who isn't above schlepping jewels on reality TV.
I remember when Neil Lane used to be the jeweler to the stars. Like, Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling.

Chris tells Neil that he's confident, excited and a little nervous.

Then, Neil says, "let's take a journey on these rings."
Like, ABC was all, "Neil, if can say 'journey' during your segment, we'll throw in an extra $10K."

Chris has no problem accepting a free ring.

Chris calls this the biggest moment of his life, so that's how we know he only played MINOR LEAGUE baseball.

Des puts on dat ball gown and cries about how no one has ever loved her this much and like... I need her to get off that train. Just like, quit telling me how sad your life has been. YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A PERFECT LIFE, DES.

"I feel #soblessed." -- Des

Des thinks she needs to tell Chris about Brooks. I agree. She's scared that telling Chris the truth ABOUT HOW SHE BROKE HER CONTRACT AND TOLD BROOKS SHE LOVED HIM BEFORE THE FINALE will change Chris's feelings for her.

And all I can say is: truth and time tells all, baby gUrl.
Truth and time tells all.

Chris is up in that limo just holding that ring like he bought it himself with his minor league baseball money.

Deep breath.

Another deep breath.

Chris has gotten exponentially better looking the last two or three epis, but his 5 o'clock shadow is looking closer to an 8 o'clock shadow and I'm distracted.

Chris (not Harrison) rolls up and hugz.

Deep breath.

Journey. Memories. Danced like crazy.

"I love the happiness that's in your eyes when I read you my poetry." -- Chris
Boo, no. Just. No real poet thinks that highly of his work, THAT'S WHY MOST POETS AREN'T FAMOUS UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD. 

He wants to make decisions for not just him anymore, but for both of them!

Time to drop to one knee! PSYCH!
Des is flipping the script.

They have both said "journey" now.

Des tells Chris that she told Drew to pack his shit up and Chris got dat smirk on his face! Babyboi KNOWS.

Des is crying and she's #sograteful.
I feel like I'm looking an Instagram caption right now.

#world #thankful #love #journey #rightinfrontofme #restofmylife #forever #doubletap

NOW. NOW, Chris can say what he wants.

"It's not just a yes or a no...Do you want to grow old together...do you want to share your experiences with me together...do you want to start a family... do you want to have kids?" -- Chris
First off, those are all yes or no questions. 
Second, he really did say, "Do you want to share your experiences with me together?"
Also, surely they discussed kids prior to this, right?


He said her full name. So. He nailed that.

"I want to be your first and I want to be your last." -- Chris
AWKWARD. Because. 

And just like that...that back adjustment in that Oregon home doesn't seem so awkward anymore.


So fun because we get to experience THE JOURNEY again.
And we hear some of the poetry again.

I'm starting a Kickstarter fund to get his poetry published.

Des hands out that final rose and asks Chris (not Harrison) to grow old with her.

They tell the engagement story like we didn't just see it.
I think we were supposed to laugh, but they're so normal and boring that it wasn't funny, it was just two white people telling an awkward story THAT WE JUST WATCHED.

Congrats and best wishes, y'all!


The long national nightmare is over.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : epi 10.

After a quick tease from Chrissy Poo about the "television event of the summer" HAPPENING NOW (clearly, he didn't see the Jodi Arias movie on Lifetime), we're shown what, originally, I thought were some deleted scenes from "Hook." But, no. It's just our gUrl, Des, on a boat.

Des, wearing some version of a bathmat, recaps every single detail of her journey while on the boat. She heads off to the "Veranda resort here in Antigua" and does some more recapping.

MORE recapping, because the shows aren't already 2 hours long.


It's time for baby boi Drew to meet up with his main G, Des. Drew does an interesting little prance and then tells Des it's "pretty much his first experience in the Caribbean." I have so many questions. Pretty much? Like, you once watched Mary Kate and Ashley's "Holiday in the Sun" and pretended like it was a vacation? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, DREW?

The two lovebirds take their red Jeep up to ole Shirley Heights for a party. They buy some souvenirs and Drew has plans to keep them forever and put them in his house one day. It should be noted that I'm pretty sure he bought a coin purse. 

They leave the party and head to a scenic overlook that Drew insists on calling "The Secret Garden." Which isn't a book for little gUrls or anything.

Des has an up-do.

They do some kissing on top of the hill and talk about angels, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS AN ANGEL NOW.

It's time for dinner, but it's raining, so they make out under an umbrella and Drew was making Des hold the umbrella. But, twist! They both had umbrellas.

Des had dinner on the beach planned, but the rain washed it away, so they went room 402, where the special summer collection from Pier 1 was really causing a scene. Even Lily Pulitzer (RIP) would've been offended by those bright colors.

Oh! This is the fantasy suite.
The fantasy suite is room 402.

They get the fantasy date card and Drew doesn't hesitate to accept.

"I'm at the point now, where I know exactly what I'm looking for." -- Drew
A woman?
You sure, buddy?

Drew asked Des how she feels about this and all she said was, "exactly like you do!" It's going to be a long, hard life for baby gUrl if she doesn't start forming some opinions.

"I need communication, because my ex-boyfriend he couldn't communicate terrible." -- Des
Read that again.

Drew is completely comfortable with his feelings (for a woman), so he's ready to show his feelings. He's even ready to get down on a knee right there!

If I had to borrow a shirt from Drew I wouldn't be able to find one that fits. : (

They leave the wicker couch and head into the incredibly modest fantasy suite for some indian-style sitting and kissing on top of the bed. Never seen anything look more uncomfortable. After about 20 seconds of that, Drew tells the camera crew that it's time to leave and then we just have to listen to kissing noises for a few seconds before Des whispers, "it's so hot in here."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, the teasing!

Do you think they turned on a fan or what?!


Up next: TWIST!

We're headed to an exotic date in Boise with Brooks, Brooks's mom and Brooks's sister, that I thought was his mom on the previews a few weeks ago.

I'm kind of weird and dream of visiting places like Cleveland, Omaha and Cedar Rapids, so Boise is right up my alley!

However, kind of weird that he has to go on a date with his family. : (

I guess baby boi is on the struggle bus and can't decide if he's IN LOVE or just in love.

Does Sister look like that Millionaire Matchmaker?

Basically, Brooks is all, "should I propose?"

And then, Sister is all, "you know what you should do."

And Mom is all, "If you have any doubt!"

And then, no lie, they just stared at him.

Then, they go on and on and on about how "darling" Desiree is, but Brooks just isn't prepared to propose. And I'm like: HELLO. THAT'S OKAY. MAYBE, YOU CAN LIKE, TELL HER THIS AND BE ALL, "CAN WE JUST DATE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?"

Patti Singer/Sister gave Brooks a speech about being honest and pointed at her heart a lot. Then, Brooks just started thinking.


Back to what is now the second most exotic location of the trip: Antigua! (Sorry, most exotic is now Boise, because blue football, potatoes, mountains.)

It's time for Chris and Des to get their one-on-one date on!

And. Then. It. Happens.

The worst "outfit" I've ever seen with my own human eyes.

Des, the designer, is wearing pajama sweat pants, a bikini top and then the real show stopper: a crocheted, fringe half-vest. Or. Maybe it's a full vest. IDK.

Chris, gets out of his BLACK Jeep (not red) and they discuss how this is their first time in the Caribbean and Des tells Chris, IT'S TIME FOR A HELICOPTER!

Chris has never been in a helicopter, so he's like, so excited.

"Antigua is beautiful. It's a sight I've never even seen before." -- Chris

Chris describes all of the colors of the water for us (kind of like the different colors of the wind).

Chris is still convinced that Des is "sharing the same feelings of love" as him. There has to be a better way to say that, Poetry Boi.

Are they not allowed to wear sunglasses?

Des tells Chris that she really liked playing baseball with him and then they fed each other watermelon.

Then, they made out while laying at the edge of the water.

I mean, I get it: romance.
But, also: SAND.

It's time for dinner!

They toast to "the two best months I've had, ever" and drink some frozen concoction.

Des doesn't waste any time asking Chris about the future.

Chris goes on a rant about LIVING IN SEATTLE BY THE WATER and eventually, Des agrees, because, you know: sacrifice.

Chris says, for the 14th time that Des makes him feel "vibrant." Which, I don't qualify as an actual feeling because he also keeps saying that Des makes him feel "alive," which is kind of the definition of "vibrant." So. He's super redundant for someone who considers himself a poet.

"Let's talk about two favorite things from each thing we've done!" -- Chris
I now feel like I'm at the ending session of a summer camp. 

I don't think Des named two things about EVERY SINGLE THING they've done, she just talked about how Chris "taught her to throw a dodge ball"? So, like, she didn't do PE in elementary school? Holly Robinson taught me to throw a dodge ball at Center Valley Elementary school in the early '90s and holy shit, I can't believe I remember my elementary PE teacher's name.

Chrissy Poo invites them to share a fantasy suite together, you know, IF THEY WANT TO, and this Chris says he definitely does.

"If we do it, I definitely want to watch the stars." -- Chris

"Oh? That'd be nice?" -- Des, in response to "watching the stars"

Ohhhhhh. He probz meant he wants to watch "Dancing with the Stars" on ABC!

They head to the fantasy suite and they got the hook-up on this one! This place looks like the Taj Mahal compared to room 402 back at the damn Days Inn.

Chris wastes no time in busting out a poem.

At this point, I don't know what's worse: this guy with his "poems" or the guy with the guitar.


I don't want to be a hater, but I have to be a hater.

Was that a poem? He kind of just terribly recapped everything?
There was no rhythm, no meter, no nothing!
(It's not pretty, it's not gUrly, it's not anything!)

I mean, IDK, guys. After really thinking about it, I don't think that would qualify as a poem.

Then, they kissed in a hot tub/"watched the stars."


In the most shocking turn of events EVER, the producers managed to lure Brooks away from Boise and got him on a plane to Antigua.

However, I don't think he's staying long, as he only packed a non-trad backpack on wheels. You don't want to be in a group project with that guy!

There's absolutely NO foreshadowing going on with Des. (Guys, that was sarcasm.)

Chrissy Poo heads over to Brooks's place and Brooks tries to break it down for us.

And so begins 48 minutes of Brooks whispering and me trying to figure out what he said.

PEOPLE ARE STRUGGLING WITHOUT THEIR SUNGLASSES. So much squinting. They actually look like they might be in pain.

Chrissy Poo is asking the tough questions.

"Are you not sure?" -- Chrissy Poo

Did Brooks dye his hair? It's darker.

I think Chris is PIST (SHOUT OUT 2929!).

Brooks is so confusing. First he's all, blahblahNOTTHEONE, then he's all blahblahCRAZYLOVE.

This would be a really good John Mayer album, am I right?

Chris breaks it down some more. Brooks isn't afraid to commit, but he doesn't want to commit to Des.

There's going to be tears and heartache and he's going to be the cause of "all that."

Chrissy Poo tells Brooks to lock his shit up and good luck!

Brooks looks out over the Caribbean (which, no one has asked him if this is first, second or third time in the Caribbean, so I feel pretty cheated) and does some thinking.

"It's rare that I have to break up with somebody that I feel so strongly about." -- Brooks
This is how I feel about unfollowing people on the Gram.
Like, I love you as a frand, but I cannot look at one more photo of you and "this guy."

Seriously though, Brooks is three paragraphs away from being the subject of every song on a Taylor Swift album.

Finally. It's time. Brooks makes the walk to Des.

Des is wearing a sad outfit. It'd be sad even if she wasn't about to get dumped. It's like 1/4 of a shirt. I can't even describe it. (But, I mean, baby gUrl got a great bod.)

Des goes on and on and on about Brooks being the front-runner and she's excited and she's in love and SHE MISSES HIM EVERY DAY. Every damn day, you guys.

"If Brooks got on one knee and proposed to me, I would definitely say yes!" -- Des
What about just being Facebook official? That's more where his head is at this moment. 

Immediately, Des notices something is wrong.

So. Brooks starts whispering.

Brooks says he "loses it" when he's away from Des, which like, that's a personal problem. What if you had to be away from your wife for a weekend? You just like, forget your vows or sumpin?

"Tell me how you really feel." -- Des

Now Des starts whispering.

E'erybody be cryin'.

All God's chil'ren be cryin'.

Brooks is all, "LOOK AT ME!"
And Des is all, "NO! I can't!"

Des asks Brooks to start the story again.

Please note: her leg is still draped over his like they're on a couch sharing ice cream. 

Des puts her head in between her legs to cry. Brooks goes to comfort her and she screams, "STOP IT!"

No two people on national television have ever needed a Kleenex more than these two. I feel so bad for the editors at this point, because like, it's just all sniffles.

"I don't know what to say! I love you! I do!" -- Des
"What? Why didn't you tell me that earlier?" -- Brooks


"I can't tell you that."
"No, you can say what you want."

Because remember: running equals full-blown love?

I have to say: this is the most real thing we have ever seen on this show. Props, ABC! It's so real I can barely understand what these two are saying to each other.

At this point, she's been dumped. Like, he dumped her and she just doesn't want to get out of there!

The last time I really got dumped, I was sitting at this dude's dinner table, eating a taco. Mid-conversation and not even half-way into my taco I got dumped. I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THERE FAST ENOUGH. I didn't stay to finish my taco! I bailed! And like, it was traumatic and I needed answers and all that BS, but like. Baby gUrl had to go.

Des! Get. out. of. there.

Legitimately, I cannot understand or hear what Brooks is saying.
I heard: hindsight, head first, how I feel.

"Just stop talking, PLZ." -- Des
Baby gUrl, this is when you leave!

These two are just cuddle buggin' their way through this break-up.

We're treated to an interview with Brooks and he mumbles and cries his way through, "...But, I love Des...I'm really questioning myself..." It was like an interview with a schizophrenic.

Honestly, this is when I actually realized I wasn't watching deleted scenes from "Hook."


They get up and start walking.

Shit gets real at this point.

Brooks tries to ask her what she's going to do and wants to make it better by saying, "I thought maybe, you were conflicted and this would help."

"What?! You want to know why I was conflicted?! Because I wanted to give my heart to you! I wanted to go on dates with you!" -- Des

"Ok, I guess I'll shut up." -- Brooks

Brooks refuses to leave after Des finally tells him to go home.
They hug some more.

Still hugging.

We can hear a heartbeat during all of this hugging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I guess you can go, I'm going to go sit by myself." -- Des
That sounds like me at a lot of people's dinner parties when my frandz leave the room to go to the bathroom.  

Finally, they part ways.

Des heads to the water. And just like that... it's over.


Brooks is crying on the road and mumbling to himself!

He calls it the "worst day of his life" and then starts talking to people off-camera.


"I don't want to say goodbye!" -- Brooks
Because that's what love means, never having to say 'goodbye'!

Lot of heaving breathing.
Lot of sniffling.

Brooks walks up the hill.

"All of those moments that we had together, I miss them already." -- Brooks

Brooks gets in the limo and says he hoped that she was in love with Drew or Chris, which like, yeah... but, like, even if that were to happen they are definitely broken up NOW. I don't think a relationship can recover from this, right? IDK, Drew might put up with it.

"Honestly, for me. It's over." -- Des
Yeah, 2 hours later. 

So. Is it over?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : Men Tell All.

This is the hardest thing in the world for me to pay attention to. Trying to re-cap the "Men Tell All" epi is much like trying to diagram an accident where the only witness is a toddler with limited vision and no real concept of time or space or laws.  : (

The epi started with Des and former Bach couples showing up at Bach viewing parties. That's cool or whatever, but at one point Trista said that Bach fans were, "family." Like. Who? FAMILY? OY. : (

We were then treated to a sit-down between Emily, Ali and Ashley. These four ladies were just blabbing away like the best of best frandz. Mainly, it was the Ali show. She was playing queen bee and told Des that she confronted a bad dude on her show for "women everywhere." : (

Also. They were drinking water. Just water. So. That's a party I don't want to be invited to. : (


It's finally time for the boyz to tell "all," which loosely translates to, "some." : (

I forgot about that guy that apparently majored in hash tags.
And that guy that invited Des to the fantasy suite on the first night.
And the non-white guy.
: (

And then, there was that guy with the gUrlfrand.



Ben's summoned to the hot seat and I hope and pray that Chrissy Poo confronts Ben and that tank top debacle.

After the video montage of Ben's antics women were heard hissing and booing. HISSING. I can almost (ALMOST) wrap my mind around being in the audience for this thing, but being in the audience and actively participating in HISSING at another adult?


Ben says he's a very aggressive person and that's because where he "comes from" you pursue women "hard."

Apparently, everyone got pretty butt-hurt by Ben not wanting to be frandz.

And then, like, someone was in Vegas and told someone else that Ben is a deadbeat dad! : (

And then, it got weird and Chrissy Poo was all, "who was a good dad?" Like. I'm pretty uncomfortable at this point.


James is up next and he recaps that talk that happened in the van. James said he got "bullied." Which, thatz one of those words you aren't allowed to throw around anymore, right? IDK!!!!!!!!!!

James said the other boyz ruined his chances with Des. : (

Mikey defends James by saying everyone in life should have a "plan B." This is most concerning because I'm assuming that this show is "plan A" for these people??????? : (

"We can meet all these tall gUrls..." -- Kasey, recapping what Mikey said
Sad because I'm not tall. 

Mikey stands up and yells at Kasey.

Listen. Listen. Listen.
I was a teenage gUrl once. As a teenage gUrl with frandz, you sometimes get into arguments or fights with other teenage gUrls. One time, I got into a fight with my BFFs during 3rd period English senior year. It's kind of one of my saddest moments in life. After watching this, I'm not that sad anymore. That fight looks so mature compared to this. These men are sad. : (

Juan Pablo says James can't date his daughter or sister.

Chrissy Poo asks James if he'd be the Bach. James said yes, in a roundabout way, and then the entire audience booed and James looked genuinely sad. Which, I would be sad, too. I mean. An entire audience of women booed him.


Juan Pablo was next.

In summation: everyone, boyz and gUrls, is obsessed with JP. He played soccer. He's a dad. He has an accent.


Here's Zak!

Chrissy Poo asks Zak about "the dark place." I can't be 100 percent certain, but I think the dark place is an oil rig? Being single on an oil rig?

Chrissy Poo busts out the antique journal and reads the poem written in invisible ink.

Zak's poem says that, "love is our only hope for happiness." Which, I can back that up, but I'd have to get all Gospel on you. (PLZ CONTACT ME IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO MORE ABOUT LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND THE GOSPEL, NOT WRITTEN IN INVISIBLE INK.)

Zak says his love, "just won't go away." He's still got it pretty bad for Des. I just hope he got that antique journal back.


Des rolls out and I kind of like her dress. She looks like the cover of the new "Great Gatsby" soundtrack.

Jonathan apologizes for getting all frat-boy-roofie on Des.

Des says she couldn't gage emotion in Ben's eyes when he was talking. THAT IS THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY IN MY LIFE. That's some "Law and Order" shit right there.

Is James wearing that same suit he wore more than once during the season? Mikey definitely is wearing the same suit.

In my heart of hearts, I hope they make James the next Bach, because TERRIBLE. I would watch the hell out of that ish, y'all.

Juan Pablo asked why he never got a one-on-one date and Des didn't really answer she just said something in "Spanish" and everyone cheered.

Zak wrote another song and well.



C YA NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was like, the shortest song ever. He only played like, four notes and no chords or anything.

Here's the thing: Zak isn't even trying to make it in life as a musician. He's just pulling that guitar out like it's a Tuesday at Sigma Chi and three gUrls came to his room to "hang out."

There comes a point in life where YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT. Especially in public. Especially on television.

I'm a gUrl, I live with two gUrls, I know a lot of gUrls: I can safely assume that 98% of those gUrls would be mortified by a serenade like this. I mean, unless you've had A LOT to drank and you're 19.

I just. I can't.

I cannot recover from this. I feel like I need to drink a bottle of Nyquil to make this memory go away. I just want it to go away.



Everything is so silly!

Y'all. I haven't laughed yet.

No one can pronounce anything in German.

Have I told y'all about the time I tried to teach myself German in 7th grade? Can you imagine? That was a pretty weird phase of mine. Basically, I just carried around a German phrase book and told everyone I was trying to teach myself German. Kind of like how Zak is rolling around with that guitar like it's a thing. IT'S NOT A THING, ZAK.


We end with a 6-hour preview of the next two episodes. Which, like: TWO MORE EPISODES?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : epi 8.

Hometown dates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First up: DallASS, TexASS.

Zak is doing some SKETCHING, because we don't have enough sketching on this show, while waiting on Des. I have no idea where they are located. There's so much green and trees-- no way that's in DallASS.

Zak is scared for Des to meet his sister because she's protective, Des awkwardly giggles as Zak launches into this really weird dream he had. The dream is really weird and what Des never picks up on is that the DREAM WAS A JOKE AND HE WAS TELLING HER ABOUT A SNO CONE TRUCK.


So. Zak's family owns a sno cone truck.

"It's the coolest thing to be in the back of the sno cone truck, it brings me back to my childhood and I love it." -- Des
SAY WHO.  Just how much time did you spend in the back of sno cone trucks as a child?
Places I could be that would remind me of my childhood: old sanctuary at FUMC Russellville, grandparents' backyard, soccer field, basketball court. 

I kind of zoned out when the "10, or 30 or 40" kids all ran up to the truck with their arms in the air clammering for a sno cone. Like, kids are smarter than that these days. There's no way they are going to run up to sketchy truck like that and demand a sweet, icy treat. That's how "Dateline" episodes start (or in this case, "20/20").

Zak rolls up to his parents house in that truck and upon entering the family home his entire family jumps up to greet them. Everyone is screaming and giggling and hugging and SCREAMING.

Then, Zak's mom served everyone tea in a wine goblet.

Zak and Des tell the story about Zak exiting the limo shirtless.

Then, they sit down to dinner and basically, everyone just screams and laughs the entire time. Kind of cool because like, they were comfortable. I wasn't scared, it seemed like they were probably a lot of fun. No way in hell I'd want to play a board game with them though. There was just so much noise. And they all seem like easy-laughers, so everything would be funny and I wouldn't like all the laughing.

Zak's mom has a sit down with Des and then tells the camera, "are you kidding me?" She's sold. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Zak's sister steps up the game and takes Des back to her bedroom where she has a creepy mannequin in the background wearing a fur vest and a crop top.

Des tells Sister that Zak and her, "just started out as frandz." Umm. You did what? You started out as frandz on this reality dating show? LIES. LIES, YOU ARE TELLING, DES. No one starts off as "FRANDZ" on this show.

Carly, Zak's sister, has never seen Zak so happy and she's scared because she doesn't want him to get hurt.

Then, Zak sits down with his mom. He tells his mom that he had "almost given up on love" and his mom was like, "yeah, I was so worried." AND I'M LIKE, YOU'RE 31, NOT 87. But, mom's been praying, so. HUGS AND KISSES.

Next, Zak decides to start up a family band in his family living room and he somehow convinces BrotherBear and SisterCat to sing his original song he wrote for Des, to Des right there on television, or "in front of God and everybody," as my mother used to like to say.

SisterCat starts us off and she's not terrible. BrotherBear is trying really hard. This is a real moment, you guys. And the best part? YOU CAN TOTALLY TELL THEY HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE.

After the family talent show, Zak takes Des outside and GIVES HER A PROMISE RING. Because, that is totally normal and not anything that any boy at my high school ever did or anything.

Then, he told her that he loved her, "I really do."

To recap: sketching, creepy van, screaming kids, family band sing-a-long, promise ring.

Zak really nailed it, you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Next up, Drew in his tight-fitting PINK shirt. His fitted shirt really accentuated his baby hips and gUrl butt.

Drew is obsessed with kissing Des and can't ever take her anywhere until he gets "one more." He does this every time, so it's getting suspicious.

Drew has more product in his hair than all the products in the world. But, seriously. Can you imagine trying to like, play with his hair?

Drew tells Des about his family and everyone she is going to meet. Then, he says, "for starters, my family has never seen me like this." AND I'M ALL, YOU MEAN, SEEN YOU WITH A gUrl, BRO?

They roll over to pick up Drew's sister and then to his mom's house to meet the whole fam.

Y'all want to talk about this parking job? Like. Not another car on the street or anything and this? Did he even get out of the intersection? And that poor curb!!!!!!!!

For some reason, Drew's family got out of all sitting on the same side of the table for this filming.

Drew is super pumped to tell his family that this is the gUrl for him and tell Des that he loves her.

"I've fallen in love with Desiree, but I haven't yet said those three magical words, in that order to her." -- Drew

"Love I You!"
"You, I love!"
"I, you love!"
"You love I!"

Drew tells the "getting out of the limo" story and basically mentions that he couldn't stop staring at her "beautiful dress." SUSPICIOUS.

Drew tells MamaBear that Des is his soul mate.

Des sits down with Big Mal, and his pink gingham shirt.

This must be addressed: "Do you believe in angels...have you ever met an angel?"
I wouldn't have gone there either, Des!

I'm also imagining my dad asking someone that question. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

"Have you ever met an angel... WRONG! Lauren is a damn angel!"

Drew is ready to propose.

Y'all know I wouldn't fit into that shirt Drew is wearing, right? There's no way.

Drew sits down with dad to share his feelings.

"If you want to marry this gUrl, I'd throw a party." -- Drew's Dad
Oh. You mean, like a wedding reception or just a regular party?
Isn't it implied that if you marry someone there's usually a party?

BigMal is pretty into Des.

Drew walks Des outside and they have the longest hug ever and they both mumble about a dozen things and then Drew just blurts out, "I love you!" It wasn't even that sweet, but maybe that's because we couldn't understand anything he was saying before.

"It's impossible to say goodbye to her." -- Drew, as Des DRIVES OFF IN A CAR
So. He said "goodbye."


Chris is up next! We head to Oregon, where apparently anything pre-1990 is historic.

Chris is creepily waiting for Des in the woods.

What are those jeans? Where do you even buy those? Oregon, I guess?

Chris takes Des to his little league baseball field. I guess I missed all of this baseball stuff in every other episode this season. I just thought this guy was a poet. IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris makes Des wear a baseball tee.

Des throws like a gUrl. : (

They play a lot of baseball.

Then, they sit down on the pitcher's mound and share some SKETCHES. They try to kiss, but the hats are in the way. Chris loved the sketches.

Chris's family wastes no time and immediately sits down to dinner. His dad gives a speech that I couldn't follow with a map and a compass. Des followed though, "That's such an Irish toast!" Oh, was it? I hope the Irish are okay with that label.

Chris's dad's chiropractic practice is in their basement (???????????????????????), so he opts to give Des an adjustment before she can even finish a glass of wine.

Dad even put on his white coat for the special moment.

Finally, Des gets to sit down with him and she asks, "is he ready for a serious relationship?" LIKE, DES. Why are you wasting your questions? The guy is writing you poetry, baby gUrl. It's not like he's coming on the show to launch his poetry career. Because: NOT A CAREER. NOT A THING.

Then, Chris gets a "nose adjustment." BUT, I'M LIKE, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Chris's mom takes Des outside and talks really slowly and really softly.

Then, the whole family launches into: WE HATED YOUR LAST gUrlfrand.

The background music sounds like a soundtrack to a movie-- THE SCENE WHERE SOMEONE IS GETTING READY FOR A FUNERAL.

"I don't foresee any problems." -- Chris, to mom about the future
: (

"It's hard for me to see women with a lot of insecurities." -- Chris's mom
But, like, do you ever get to hang out with any women?

Chris's mom gives her blessing for a proposal.

Chris has convinced himself that there's no way Des has these feelings with any other men. So. Baby boy has never seen this show. : (

The SUV Des just drove off in has rims. Wasn't expecting that in Oregon.


Brooks is up next!

The two meet in a park and use their words, as they skip and run towards each other. What a moment!

Brooks, like, gets it. He gets that he's on a reality show and none of this is real or timely. And I'm like, THANK YOU, BROOKS.

If they are so cold, why don't they put jackets on?

Des made a list of "special moments" to share with Brooks.

There were like, 4 moments.

"Fireworks in our face." -- Des
So eloquent, gUrl. 

She pictures adventures with every guy, including Brooks. And none of these guys really seem all that adventurous. Minus maybe Zak. I mean, one guy took her to his mom's house, one guy took her to a a baseball field and this guy took her out in a canoe. IT'S LIKE A COMMERCIAL FOR ADVENTURE. GET THESE PEOPLE A JEEP WRANGLER, STAT!

They kiss in a canoe and then almost tip the canoe, but they get out of the canoe and I don't think they are wet. But, how could they not be wet?

Brooks makes Des walk seven blocks to his family home... in wet jeans. RUDE. That's a recipe for chaffing, for sure.

Brooks has 27 brothers and sisters. They are all wearing name tags.

Des describes walking into Brooks's house the same way she described Zak's, "the energy was through the roof."

Des sits down with Mom. Brooks hangs with two of his 37 brothers.

"Can you she hang with you?" -- Brother
"Oh, yeah, she can." -- Brooks

Then, a brother asks if Brooks could live without Des and he never answers. He also does not answer, "could you make her happy for the rest of your life?"

IMMA SAY: NO. No, you can't Brooks. But, I'll leave it at that, I won't launch into how another person can't do that and happiness is fleeting and in a Gospel story there's always suffering.

Brooks sits down with his sister and starts whispering.

CONFESSION: during the previews, I thought this sister was his mom. : (

Brooks is a mama's boy.

Mom is really rockin' the statement necklace, gang.

Brooks is wearing a bathrobe.

Mom tells Brooks that the family will love whoever he loves.
Which, BOLD PROMISE, mom.

Brooks really loves his mom, y'all. And he got the approval he so desperately wanted, nay, NEEDED.

It took Des approximately 16 minutes to hug the entire family before leaving.


Now, Des is meeting up with her brother, who she hasn't seen in months, but definitely needs his approval.


ABC is tryna play us, y'all!

If she needs his approval so badly why haven't they seen each other in months?

I have a brother, so I know how this works. You're either close to your brother or you're not. You either want your brother to be apart of your life and meet the people you date or you don't talk to your brother for months until producers of the reality show you're on make you. (Note: I'm close to my brother and I'd want him to meet the people I'm dating. But, I don't like when he tries to find them on Facebook.)

She breaks down all of the bros for her bro and bro asks to meet the bros. Des says, "No. No!"

"What's the big deal?" -- Desiree's Bro
EXACTLY. You just going to hide him for the rest of your life? 
But, you're so close!!!!!!!!!

Then, brother says he doesn't have any problems or concerns with the situation. So. Like. Who's playing who?

Brother leaves, but does he? Or is he awkwardly creeping around in the lobby?


Des sits down with Chrissy Poo and recaps EVERYTHING WE JUST SAW FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS.


I think Des got a new make up artist for the night.

Word of the evening with Chris, "BOLD."

Y'all. She learned a new word and I'm pretty happy. But, she's used it to describe every guy. So. Still not quite there yet, gang.

Des stares at all the framed photos one last time. This is the equivalent to creeping on a dude's Facebook in reality TV land? IDK.

Can you imagine just staring at a framed photo of someone for that long? Someone who is alive and well, I mean.

Oh! There's brother bear!
He's way under dressed for the evening.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Guys, I know there are like, some seriously strong feelings." -- Chrissy Poo
Like, seriously strong. 

I mean, I think we can all see what's coming, right?

Des is wearing a watch and this is the most I've ever liked her.

The music starts. Is someone going to get stabbed? Brother bear is lurking in the lobby.

FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drew gets the final rose.
Zak is headed home to sno cones.

Zak is completely shocked, "completely shocked."
Really, Zak? Really?

Des tells Zak that out of everyone in the "whole world, THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD" he deserves love.

Then, she gave back that ring.

Zak gets in the limo of heartache and hopelessness and is "completely numb."

"What the hell just happened?" -- Zak
You tell me, bro! You tell me. 

"When I tell her that I love her and she cries... I don't get it." -- Zak
I think that actually sums it up right there. 

Zak goes on this diatribe and basically tells us that he's the saddest person in the whole world, the whole wide world. He's spent too many years alone.

And that limo just cut across three lanes of traffic and dumped him on the side of the road??????????????

And just like that, there were three.

(And we are one week closer to this long national nightmare being over.)

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : epi 7.

I'd be remiss to not start this post off by congratulating everyone's favorite Bachelor/ette watch party host, BRENDA DIANE MARR, on her engagement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brenda's been hosting ladiez in her home for like, 8 years on Monday nights and last week she accepted the final rose. 

Brenda is literally one of the most genuinely kind and fun people I've ever met and I cannot wait for her to walk down the aisle to a recording of herself singing "Fancy." It's going to be a special day for a special gUrl. 

Dreams do come true, y'all!


Again. Here we are.

Desiree starts us off with a lil' geography lesson. The crew is in Madeira, Portugal. It's a tiny, tiny island and at one point Des screams, "I'm the luckiest gUrl in Madeira " Can't be that many gUrls on that island. So. She's not that lucky?

There are five dudes left and only one dude is wearing a hoodie.

The dudes head to their hotel/resort and Drew describes it as, "gorgeous." Like, y'all needed to hear how he said it.

Jackie, Catherine and Lesley are in Madeira to help Des make a decision. The first thing Des asks is, "How is Sean?" : (

Baby gUrl just can't let go.

Catherine answers with, "He wanted a best frand, I wanted a best frand. We are best frandz." So.

Just. Too easy.

Des breaks down all of the boyz to the gUrlies and it's the saddest afternoon dish session over drAnks I've ever witnessed. Like.

The boyz come down to the pool and the gUrls bust out binoculars to check them out.

"Drew is good at the basketball." -- Jackie

Someone asked Des about kissing and she told them about all the kissing and then everyone giggled. My g-frandz aren't nasty or gross on any level, but we put these people to shame when discussing boyz and relationships. I felt like I was watching someone describe their relationship with a Disney prince to their grandmother on Sesame Street.



It's time for the one-on-one with Brooks!!!!!!!!!!

Earlier Des told the gUrls they were going, "up a mountain, through the clouds."

Brooks said he was going to use today to decide if they were going to be in a relationship or not.

The two head off in a golf cart to the sky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm most excited to see where he's at." -- Des

The only word these two know is, "excited."


"We need more adjectives." -- Brooks

I grew up in Arkansas, went to the University of Arkansas and never had to take the SAT. BUT. I have the words. All of them. Or at least a lot of them. These people are missing 90 percent of all the words. Use the words!

They drive up this mountain and it's some pretty dope scenery, like majestic. These two describe it as "pretty."

"Sometimes, you are past 'like' and not yet to 'love' so I'm definitely in the clouds trying to find out how I feel." -- Brooks
That's a place? The place in between 'like' and 'love' is a cloud? 
Brooks, are you a unicorn?

Brooks wants to have a convo with Des to try and figure out where they are as an "us." They don't discuss anything other than holding hands and both agree that it just, "works." Again, Des just agrees.

"I think we are going to get married and start a puppy mill."

So, these two are up on a mountain, "in the clouds."
See photo.

Okay, so we all get it.

And these two, not having any of the words to use to describe their feelings and emotions at this moment go off on a tangent ONLY USING METAPHORS ABOUT CLOUDS.

"Lost in the clouds." -- Brooks

"We didn't just break through the clouds, we had a break through!" -- Des

"Feels good to be lost in cloud 9 with you." -- Brooks

At some point, Des finds some words.

"Picture the best dream you've ever had and times that by 10 and then, live in it." -- Des
Okay, gUrl. That's exactly what I just did. My dream was, I ate at Cracker Barrel and then went to Wal-Mart. So, now I am living in Russellville, Arkansas and I drive a Dodge Charger with a spoiler. : (

There's honestly nothing to say about all of this because all they discussed was clouds!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I basically failed 8th grade science, but I would've liked to hear if these were cumulus clouds, cirrus clouds or stratus clouds, y'all! Cloud classifications are more fun than the rock cycle, so give us something here, people.

The cloud date is finally over and the two are, I'm assuming, now off of cloud 9.

Des said she never dreamed of being here and she wants to figure out if she's falling in love.

That sweater. Brooks. WOOF.

Tonight, Brooks wants to be "really honest" with Des. So, he launches into a diatribe about how his family has gotten really attached to his ex-gUrlfrandz. Des, of course, says, "Yeah, me too."

"I'm not close to my family,  just because they are my family. We have a lot of memories." -- Brooks
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. I get it now. 

Update: the adjectives in between 'like' and 'love' are stepping, skipping, running and finish line.
Guys, I reallllllllllly hate to do this, BUT.

Those are VERBS.
And I think, a finish line would qualify as a NOUN.


Brooks says he really likes her "adjectives," but then he also says he doesn't know what any of those words mean. : (

They get up from the table and Brooks says "cloud 9" again, so at this point I am not even alive anymore. Like, I am physically dead. 

Brooks wants Des to meet his family AND THEN THE FIREWORKS.

These two are the type of people who would definitely take pics of fireworks (SHOUT OUT MALORY!) and blow up your Gram feed with all of the pictures. 

"I can really picture how it would be to be in Brooks' life and to enjoy family reunions..." -- Des

So. These two spent all day together gushing over each other, but I'm not sure their relationship is much farther along than two 5th graders. 

"We're going out with each other," the young gUrl excitedly told her father. 
"BUT, where do you GO," he questioned. 



It's one-on-one time for Chris (not Harrison)!

The date card said something about "love and sea" or somethingsomething and Chris said, "I'm excited to see what this 'sea' is about." UMM. It's basically the equivalent of an ocean, Chris.

Chris is super excited to "chill, boat style." Which, I guess is a thing. 
No, I'm kidding. It's a thing.

Again, these two have none of the words. And yet, they are both poets.

"We're boating!" -- Chris
"We're boating!" -- Des

"This is cool." -- Chris
"This is SO cool." -- Des

Des tells Chris they are headed to a deserted island and things get pretty sexy-time when they start lathering that SPF 90 on each other. 

Guys, there's nothing sexier than preventing skin cancer. 

"There are beautiful colors and ridges." -- Chris, describing the scenery

Des asks Chris what his frandz see him like. Then, Chris asks her the same question. She says her frandz think she's reserved and mysterious, but independent and creative. 

She's ready to not be so independent. 
Baby gUrl is dropping hints all over this damn island!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, she wants to be dependent on you!!!!!!!!!!

Chris, ever the romantic, BUT NOT WITH HIS FRANDZ, decided they were going to write a poem together and put it in a bottle. 

"I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my 
Message in a bottle 

Message in a bottle."

They start writing the poem and it's bad. Chris is trying to describe the experience and he starts to say, "I'm on cloud 9," but mysteriously stops himself. I'm assuming a producer was standing behind the camera furiously waving her arms as if to say, "BROOKS SAID 'CLOUD 9' 400 TIMES ALREADY! USE YOUR WORDS!" 

They threw that sad ass poem into the sea (really, it's an ocean) and it's almost as if they were giving poetry, as a whole, a viking funeral because at that moment: poetry died. They killed it. 

In high school, I considered myself a poet. Years later, I'm embarrassed.

It's time for dinner in a really dark room! Chris is going to tell Des that he is in love with her. 

"How big of a family do you want?" -- Chris
"I want a tight knit family." -- Des

They talked about families and meeting families, but I zoned out and now Chris is reading another poem. 

The poem sucked and at the end he said, "I love you."

She is sooooooo going to encourage this guy to publish his poetry and then, all of their frandz are going to have to buy a copy of this book and it's going to get really weird BECAUSE HE IS NOT GOOD AT THE POETRY. 

Chris thinks he knows exactly what Des is thinking... he's pretty convinced that she's in love, too. 

Lots of kissing. 


It's time for Michael's one-on-one date with Des. He is dressed to go to an afternoon frat party. 

"Look at the artwork. It's cool. Yeah, that's cool." -- Des

Michael says that Des has 48 of the 47 qualities the perfect woman possesses.

I zoned out again, but now they are taking a giant piece of wicker furniture down a hill. Basically, this a really long Pier 1 commercial.

"Oh my God, this is so cool!" -- Des
That word means NOTHING to me now. NOTHING. Everything can't be "so cool."

"Love is a wild ride." -- Michael

I guess the Pier 1 commercial is over because now they are at dinner, in the dark, in the street, and Michael is dressed like a character from "Miami Vice."

"What were you always doing as a family?" -- Des
"Just running around." -- Michael

Michael is talking about his family and then gets real personal and talks about having Type 1 Diabetes. : (

Now, Michael is telling a story about some Facebook photo. IDK. 2013. 

It took him a year to get over whatever he saw on Facebook. I can't lie, I'm often trying to get over things I see on Facebook. I wonder if he saw some status about breastfeeding or potty training?????????

"I want my family to meet the gUrl I might marry." -- Michael
Uhhh... DUH. 


Two-on-one date between Drew and Zak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a rose on this date. 

Des is taking Drew and Zak go-carting.

"Soooooo fun!" -- Des

Des challenges the boys to a race and says whoever wins GETS A PRIZE. I bet it's alone time and a kiss. I HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT, ABC.

Zak is just "going for it" and "he's not even looking back." 
Zak wins. 

They head to a picnic in what looks to be a bed of weeds. 

Drew is getting creepy.

Zak gets his alone time with Des first because he won. 

Drew is describing the day as the, "most pivotal day of his life."

Zak tells Des that this has been the best time of his life and I think he's actually talking about his time with Des and not just the free vacation. To recap his time, he's done some sketching. BECAUSE WE NEED MORE SKETCHING ON PRIME TIME TELEVISION.

Turns out, they are more like paintings than drawings. 

Zak opts to NOT tell Des that he loves her, because he respects Drew. (I'm sure this is foreshadowing.)

Someone set up a blanket on some tires because like, ROMANCE.

I don't even know what these two are talking about. Something about letting people in and being comfortable. 

Drew can't wait for Des to meet his sister. Then, we learn that his sister can't communicate. Then, he asks Des to come with him to pick up his sister. 

"I've never had these feelings." -- Drew

Drew says he's falling in love and they kiss. 

It's time for the rose to be handed out. 
Zak is confident and he wants the rose BAD. 

DREW GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then some weird country music comes on?

"These are feelings I've never felt before." -- Drew

Zak has been trying for a really long time to meet someone like Des and now, he doesn't know if he'll ever find someone again.


Chrissy Poo sits down with Des for a brief therapy session. Her hair looks good.

Chris is wearing chambray with a sheen to it.

CONFESSION: I fast-forwarded, because TWO HOURS LONG and I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three roses! Five guys! One already has a rose!
That means: one guy goes home.

Des says she is falling in love and it's exciting.

She says everyone is "A-MAZING."

FINAL ROSE, WHEN YOU'RE READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zak and Michael are left.
ZAK GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Des walks Michael out and they sit down for a second because Des wants him to know, "how special he is."

They both think the world of each other.

Michael seems genuinely sad, but also totally okay.

He gets up in that limo van and lets loose.

"I'm tired of having my heart broken and being rejected. It sucks. IT SUCKS." -- Michael

"To take this wonderful gUrl home would've made my mom's life." -- Michael
Dang. What's ole mom even up to? Sounds like she's probz just doing a lot of crosswords and watching Maury. 


"Here we go again." -- Michael's Mom
: (

There's really nowhere to go from here... that guy just called his mom from a limo.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Bachelorette :: Desiree : Epi 6.

My senior year in college I signed up for an Astronomy class that would serve as my last and final science credit. The class was 1 hour and 50 minutes long. I was so uninterested and unmotivated by the class that I often called it "astrology" to my frandz without even noticing my mistake. I never even purchased a book for the class.

I would rather sit through that class, blind, twice a week, for the rest of my life than watch this show.

That probz doesn't seem all that harsh to some people, but sitting through astronomy without eyesight? Also. I only went to that class five times over the course of the semester.

So. I guess I've always been pretty dedicated to (the) science(s).



You know how I know they are even in Barcelona?

Desiree playfully screams, "BAR-SA-LONA! Here I am!"

She calls it inspiring and "the perfect place to fall in love."

I remember the old days when Malibu was the perfect place to fall in love. : (

Zak is fairly convinced that no one has ever fallen in love before, MINUS ALL THE PEOPLE IN SPAIN because they appreciate love and food the most out of anyone ever. Ever.

They all keep saying Barcelona with some sort of lame accent, but I'm all, "YOU HAVE ON THE SAME HOODIE AS THAT OTHER GUY. SHUT UP."

Speaking of HOODIES? You want one of your very own? Well, here you go! ORDER AWAY.

Drew gets the one-on-one date.

There's this whole underlying thing going on concerning James, but like... what the what.


"He's so romantic about romance." -- Des, about Drew
Not a thing. 

Drew meets up with Des and can't handle anything until he kisses her. So. Kissy-kissy!

Did Drew steal that shirt from the Brady Bunch? It's like, the widest collar ever.

Drew has more product in his hair than all the hair products in the world. He must have some crazy curly hair, right?

Drew and Des drink from a random street fountain and I'm assuming they edited the part of the show where they go and get tetanus shots afterwards?

After the tetanus shots they go for some tapas! Pronounced, by Des, "TaaaaH-paSsss!"

Drew tells Des that what makes him Drew is his alcoholic father, but he's better. Apparently, he told him he was an alcoholic in a dimly lit garage with the garage door halfway open. Not sure why those details were given, but he shared them, so.

Guyz, are we 100 percent sure that Drew is into gUrls?
JUST ASKING!!!!!!!!!

It's time for dinner! But, first! A concert in an alley! These three dudes found the only section of this alley that has graffiti to perform by/under. It really set the mood. Not convinced that they aren't some sort of Spanish street gang.

Des leads Drew into a dimly lit room and Drew is being overwhelmed by his emotions, but you'd never know it because he has the same demeanor when saying that when telling Des that his dad is an alcoholic.

He's the type of guy that would fire someone from a job, but you'd have no idea if you were fired or not because he's just sitting there kind of halfway smiling at you with his shiny, shiny hair.

Drew's thoughts and emotions are "running crazy" so, he gets up from the table and leads Des approximately 70 feet down an alley and throws her against a wall. Fairly hardcore make out ensues.

Des says the moment made her feel special. Because, you know... what gUrl doesn't feel special when they are up against a wall in a dark alley? WHAT A MOMENT! DADS EVERYWHERE ARE PROUD.

Des managed to pick up the rose from the table before Drew whisked her into the alley and of course, Drew accepts the rose.

Post make out, Drew tells Des that "there was a conversation I overheard on the way home the other day" and gives Des the choice of hearing the story or not. Well, duh.

So. Drew tells Des all about James and his plan for becoming the next Bachelor.

The clearly very thought out plan by James includes: making it to the top four.


GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are six guyz on the date and Des can't wait to just, "hug them and be with them."

The boyz and Des are going to play a soccer game!

Kasey says that Juan Pablo has the advantage today because, "he's played professional soccer before." I thought that professional soccer was JP's actual profession?

JP says he feels at home on the soccer field. He's also wearing long underwear, ala what my grandmother used to put in my dad's stocking at Crimmas.

We learn that the boyz are going to play a game against Des and five other gUrls, who happen to a part of a professional women's team in Spain.

I played soccer for like, 14 years and then won four intramural championships in college. But, look at these gUrls. They look like a Russian pop group. And Des is the least intimidating soccer played on planet Earth.

Basically, I feel sad for soccer.

The boyz jump out to a quick 2-0 lead.

I fast-forwarded through the rest. The gUrls won 10-2 and everyone said James was a shitty goalie, which could've gone left unsaid considering 10 goals were scored against him and he took up at least 1/3 of that goal.


"Cheers to kicking some soccer balls today and kickin' it with Des tonight." -- Micheal

Every single boy is talking about the situation with James, but then clarifying, "BUT, I'm focused on Des."

Des pulls Chris into her room and tells him that he's good at everything. I guess I missed that part.
Have they really done everything on this show? Is that an accurate description of his skills?

gUrl, no!!!!!!!!!!

She doesn't stop.

"Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The poem is just.
Just. Just.

Chris described the poem as beautiful, but I'm just sad for poetry.

Kasey is wearing the most interesting cardigan I've ever seen on an actual human being.

Kasey, Chris and Michael pull James aside and Kasey tells him that he overheard his "disturbing" conversation about making the top four and becoming the next bachelor.

Meanwhile, Brooks and Des are cuddle buggin' and Brooks tells her that he sometimes likes to stare at her and Des says, "I love it!"

Like, gUrl.

Back to James and Company.

There's a lot of talk about a boat. I feel like it's April 19 and we're back in Watertown. I wish Brian Williams was here to narrate this conversation for us. I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS BOAT.

James gets defensive.

Did Michael break his thumb? What is that?

James said he was just kidding around about meeting gUrls and going clubbing.

James stands up and starts screaming.

"Oh, you have a boat?! Letz hang the F out in Chicago and whatever dude!" -- James
For something he supposedly did not say, those sound like pretty specific plans.

James's pocket square is falling out.

Kasey was actually on this bus or whatever and heard this conversation. James says it was just "guy talk" and then screams, "you're ridiculous!" He says this AFTER ABC bleeped out about 24 different words.

Kasey gets Des alone launches into the van story.

"It's disgusting." -- Des

Des pulls James aside and tells the other boyz that she is not giving out a group date rose. Kasey's blood is boiling.


"The shit is about to hit the fan." -- Des
Oh, promises, promises, gUrl. 
I'll believe that when I see it. 

Shit hitting a fan would actually be more entertaining than this.
And. As gross as that is, I've kind of always wanted to see it happen.


James and Des sit down for a lil' talk.

Des brings up the boat. How is she not interested in going on this boat? Doesn't everyone love going out on a boat?

James says he never brought up going on the boat.

Des says she believes the other guyz.

"I think he was self-medicating himself." -- James
Thatz not how you say that. 

James says he might have said that the worst case scenario for him would be losing Des and maybe becoming the next Bachelor. Maybe he said.

James is crying, he feels a connection.

"I feel so excluded now." -- James
Middle school dance!!!!!!!

James is still crying and Des can't wrap her head around it.

Des is crying.



Basically, it's tough.

Des says she's going to sleep on it.
As if we're not already asleep.

The boyz are back at the hotel and are just plain SHOCKED to see James roll back in. He comes in and says, "Goodnight." Ohhhhhhh, BURN!


Des woke up this morning and was "not feeling very happy," so she went to do some sketching. She needs a break from the **~~dRaMa~~**.

Zak rolls up on Des while she's sketching.

"What are you doing over here?"

I have to give Zak props for not wearing a hoodie. I don't think he's ever really been shown in one.

Apparently, Zak is super into art and he's really into the fact that Barcelona is home to a lot of art.

The two head to an art studio to do some sketching.

"I don't sit down and sketch everyday, so this is new to me." -- Zak
Oh, I guess he's not as into art as he originally said, eh?

Zak's first sketch is pretty decent, but then the two decide to sketch each other.


Zak's "sketch" of Desiree is pretty shitty.

If you've ever seen the classic YouTube video called, "Old Greg," it looks eerily similar to that.
"This is as close to Bailey's as you can get without getting wet."

Note: if you've never seen "Old Greg," don't go watch it right now. Especially if you're alone.

Next up, a nude male model!

This is pretty weird.

"I go to museums every chance I get." -- Zak
Oh. Every chance you get?

Zak isn't loving this whole thing, so he has an idea. OF COURSE, he comes back in a robe and some whitey-tighties. Des thinks it's all VERY SILLY.

I guess when you grow up in a tent, you really are easily entertained.

DINNER TIME!!!!!!!!!!

The two head into a really dark cellar.

Zak says he's absolutely in love and his intentions are "true."

Zak, more than anything in this world, wants "this rose."

He then asks what Des needs to know.

Des follows up with the same question she asked Drew, "What's make Zak, Zak?"

Zak wants the same relationship his parents have, but he's not ready to just live and die somewhere. He's adventurous.

Des describes herself as, "the same."

Like. She's definitely one of those gUrls who will adhere to whatever her current dude is into.

"I hate puppies!"
"No joke, puppies are the worst!!!!!"

"I'm super into composting!"
"No, I'm super into composting!"


Zak gets the rose, she'd love to spend more time with him.

"You kind of mean everything to me." -- Zak
Kind of?


Back at the hotel, James sits down for a casual lil' convo with Drew.

For the billionth time, James is told exactly what he said on that van.

Drew is very passionate about this and James just says "this is about reality."


"You act like I'm a bad person." -- James

Drew is treating this like a group project and James just isn't pulling his weight. Drew wants focus and James isn't focused. Then, he calls him a piece of shit.

The next day Des comes to the hotel and pulls James outside for a "nice chat."

They sit down for a chat and go back-and-forth, back-and-forth.

James says, without a doubt, Des has every quality he's ever looked for in a gUrl.


Kasey, Drew and Brooks are kind of spying on James and Des, but mostly they are just talking about how much they hate James.

Just like the night before, they continue to say, "it's so tough."

"I feel more alive than I did before." -- James
Before what?!
Sounds like a guy who recently went out on a boat. 

Des starts to cry. James says he's proud of Des and he knows that she's a real person.


James goes back upstairs and people be mad.

Chris said, "shocked," or "shocking" like, 19 times.
I don't think he's talking about voltage.

James is going back to his "reality" argument.

"Reality will occur and thatz okay." -- James
Yes... go on...

Chris flips his shit. How can you take this guy seriously in his v-neck? Does Chris have a weird eye? What the hell happened to Michael's thumb? Remember when Brooks broke his finger and had to go to the hospital?

I cannot even handle this conversation.  James doesn't have to answer any questions anymore if he doesn't feel like it. James feels like he's being picked on. It's about respect, y'all.

These guyz need to look up the definitions for the following words: respect, shocked/shocking, reality, disgust

James is having a lot of trouble keeping that shirt tucked in. I wish he wasn't wearing flip-flops.

Ok, guyz. For real.

Does Drew, FOR SURE, like gurls?

"I don't get why she hasn't slapped him and said, 'how dare you, you're a pig, you're an asshole, you disgust me, you need to go home.'" -- Drew
That. Is. Specific.
He has played this out in his head. For sure. 


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's no cocktail party tonight and it's like: GOD HEARS US, Y'ALL.

Chrissy Poo calls this week the most "emotional, dramatic, and volatile" week ever. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE, CHRIS. YOUR WORDS ARE WORTHLESS TO ME. WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desiree's hair looks good! Go, gUrl!
Is that the dress Catherine wore on last season's "After the Final Rose"?



Juan Pablo doesn't get a rose.

"I thought we had a connection, but she wanted me to go home." -- JP

"I want a wife to spend Christmas and birthday parties." -- JP
Then, he cried. 

Kasey doesn't get a rose.

James doesn't get a rose.

James exits and he says it's hard to swallow.

"I had a conversation with Mikey about reality and there's nothing wrong with that." -- James

I think the actual problem is that NO ONE knows what reality actually is and therefore, no one is really talking about it.

James is like, really upset.

He says he was bullied and he doesn't understand how he came off as such a bad person.


Like. NOT the right word.

"Why me?" -- James
Why not, James? Why not?


"I'm going to trust my heart and my heart will find what it needs." -- Des
I think this sets up nicely for the weeks ahead. 

Here's hoping!

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