Dear ABC Family Executives,
Listen, I'm not claiming to know how to run a television network or even how to like, run a family, but your 'family' network needs some work.
Let's start at the beginning, your tagline goes something like this, "ABC Family-- a new kind of family." I am assuming (yes, I'm an ass, you're an ass) that you are taking that very literally. As in, you think families should be full of liars, pregnant teenagers, babies living with the wrong family for years, secrets and fashionable liars? Comparing that to my family, it doesn't stand up. I mean, I'm sure there was a lot of lying going on at one point or another, but nothing that involved being pregnant or stealing a baby or having a job as a fashion executive or playing games about lying. I don't have a family of my own, so maybe I'm out of the loop on what "new kind of family" means. Growing up, I kind of thought it meant a broken home?
Call me crazy, ABC Family, but I don't think your channel is all that devoted to families!
Last weekend you showed the movie "Pretty Woman." You know what the premise of that movie is? Well, (spoiler alert!) it's about a prostitute finding love. Do you know what a prostitute is? Yeah, not the most family-friendly profession, eh?
I have to be super honest here: I don't really watch your channel, but every few Saturdays or so, I find myself watching a movie or something on it. So, maybe I'm missing some of the super family friendly shows and I've got it all wrong, but based on what I've seen (or seen commercials for) I think you should reconsider the name of your network.
I'll leave you with some ideas. These are free.
ABC Pregnancy Scares
ABC Lying Liars
ABC Shit Show Family
ABC Lying Family of Vampires
ABC Family Therapy
ABC Family Drama (Because my Teenager Daughter is a Whore)
ABC Baby Mama Drama
Just some ideas!
Use 'em or don't.
Thanks for reading,