Tuesday, February 21, 2012

the bachelor:: ben: epi 8.

Ben's headed to the hometowns of the "ladies."

Of course, we start with horse gUrl and her horses. She's only brought one other guy home to meet the horses. She doesn't even get off the horse to hug Ben when he arrives.

"Horses are always going to be a part of our lives together." --Horse gUrl
Well. Naturally. 

Horse gUrl and Ben discuss walls and being vulnerable and then she drops the bomb that she lived in sin with the other boy before this. I have a feeling that having a horse in the sinful apartment didn't help?

After a couple of laps around the track in a carriage they finally head to meet the HUMANS. No worries though-- the horse stays really close by. Lindzi's parents have a living room set under a tree in their backyard. Because, why not?

Horse gUrl's dad is kind of a one-upper, eh? Every time Ben mentioned something they did in San Fran, her dad interjected with something they did.

"We went on a date."
"Well, we got married!"

Tone it down, Harry.
Tone it way down.

Horse gUrl talks with Mama Bear about her broken heart and then sits down with Ben, too. They have that fancy living room set in their yard, but have tailgating chairs on their porch. She tells Ben she kept horse gUrl away from dating at a young age and steered her more towards horses. Weirdsies.

Suddenly, Mama Bear is gone and Harry is back.
Ben asks Harry for permission and says, "Our family is pretty much Lindzi, our dog and some horses." I don't think he ever said "yes" to the permission question, but he didn't say no either. Harry did come back and toast and say they'd be honored to have Ben as a son-in-law. Honestly though, I think they'd be just as happy watching "Secretariat."

We move on to Kacie B. and Clarksville, Tennessee. 

Naturally, when you're 24 and you used to be a majorette, you should get the high school band together to perform for the Bachelor. That's not weird at all. Also, not weird to straddle a boy in front of a bunch of high school kids.

Kacie tells Ben that the football stadium was named after her grandfather, so she's just humble-bragging the shit out of her family. (Side note: there's a track in rural Southwest Arkansas named after my great-grandfather, so anybody out there wanna go on a date with me there?)

The very last place I would take a man on a date would be a high school football field or gymnasium.

Kacie tells Ben her dad doesn't drink.
Ben's eyes pop out of his head and he basically starts crying.
Really, Ben? You've never met a Baptist?

Kacie and Ben finally arrive at her home and there's just a lot of screaming. Looks like Ben brought a bottle of wine, too. Should've just left that in the car there, bud.

I really thought Kacie would've brushed her hair before this, but it seems like she didn't.

Kacie's sister put on her Saturday best (meaning, Saturday-SEC-Football-Best) and sat down with sissy to discuss taking risks and trusting her feelings. Kacie says she loves Ben and that he has all the characteristics she wants in a husband. Not me! I don't think he even owns a hairbrush. That's something I'm looking for. We don't need to share everything. He can bring his own hairbrush into the relationship.

Benny Boo sits down with Daddy and Daddy says marriage is "very, very, very serious" and "don't rush into anything." The music in the background is so intense that I felt like Whitney Houston died all over again.

Dad wants Ben to end things sooner than later.

Mommy Dearest tells Ben that her children have always gone everywhere with them? I don't really know what that means. She's looking for her son-in-law to have a lot of integrity, courage and community. She goes on to say that she's watched the show a lot and doesn't want the couple moving in together before marriage. Again, Ben's face is just screaming, "SHIT, y'all." (I added the 'y'all' for emphasis.)

"I do have traditional values." --Ben

Daddy and Kacie sit down for a little talk. He says the word "date" 19 times in 8 seconds. He's serious about this shit. At this point, I'm so glad this guy is not The Model's father. I think if he was he would watch the show and shoot Ben. Literally, shoot him with a gun.

Kacie would say yes to a proposal. Daddy would not say yes to give permission. He wants them to get to know each other better. FINALLY. A guy who's like, taken a parenting class or something.

"Best of luck to you." --Kacie's Dad
Translation: SEE YOU NEVER. 

Well, the end is near for these two.
Kacie doesn't know if she can fix it and she doesn't know what's going to happen.

We move on to the Mid-Cities and Nicki next. 

Classy move taking him to Fort Worth.

"I'm looking forward seeing Ben as a country boy." --Nicki
But, what about when you were in Utah???????? Was that fake?

That is NOT what people do in Texas on the weekends.
Well, I have been day-drinking on the weekend, but not wearing that.
Nicki found every sequin the state of Texas for that top. And people, this is a big state.

They continue the day-drinking out of a picnic basket in a park. I'm guessing that park is close to I-30 judging to the cars in the background I can hear.

Nicki wants Ben to know that she didn't give up on her last marriage and that her parents "might have questions." Well, yeah. I hope so. The rest of the conversation is about honesty and progression and nature or something.

They finally head to Suburbia.
Ben stopped by the local Tom Thumb to get some cheap flowers before his arrival.
Should've brought the flowers to Kacie, bud.

Nicki's parents are divorced.
Uh-oh. RED FLAG.
Everyone's divorced, Ben!

Ben sat on that leather couch for 18 seconds and Nicki's mother said, "I do like Ben." What's wrong with these people? Nicki and Mom head to the bedroom to chat and giggle.

Nicki's dad is excited that Ben and Nicki seem to be doing everything they can to learn about each other. NO. THIS IS TELEVISION. THEY AREN'T. Then, he launches into this speech about saying yes to giving her hand away to readily in the past and you know what, that was sad. He has been carrying that around for a while. Dang, Dougie. That was some real talk.

"It's still hard letting you fly." --Nicki's Dad
Like, on an airplane?
My dad always makes me call him when I get on a plane. 

Dougie makes a toast, but I'm just looking at their dinner plates. Catered-in-BBQ. Class act.

Nicki and Ben head back to the back bedroom again, but there's less giggling and more of the word "love." Ben looks genuinely excited, but he also looked like that when he was buying those boots.

"If it can be this good now, it can be this good forever." --Nicki
Um...you're on a TV show... this isn't how it will be, gUrl!!!!!!

We head to Scottsdale to meet up with The Model.

The Model doesn't like the way she's treated the gUrls, but I wonder if she's upset about getting naked on television for all the world to see. The internetS is forever, kids.

He brings flowers AND wine to this house.
Two gifts?!?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Model's family is sitting around day-drinking and I really respect that.

The Model's sister looks a little like Khloe Kardashian.

The Model makes a really weird speech about Ben and being in love and liking him a lot, IN FRONT of Ben. Super weird. Everything she said should've been said not at the dinner table in front of him.

The Model and Khloe slink away from the table and talk about happiness and appreciation. Ben gets the marriage talk from Daddy Dearest.

He answers the marriage question with, "I'm ready for a serious, committed relationship."
Not the same thing, dude.
Not the same thing.

The Model tells the sister about skinny-dipping and sister had no reaction. Just, "oh my goodness!" Like, that's not weird or anything to her? Sad face!

The mom gives her stamp of approval.
They sit back down at the dinner table and The Model strokes Ben's hair during the remainder of the convo. I hope she washed her hands after that. Had to be super greasy.

They head off on a picnic, because that's what you do after you eat dinner at a house?

His hair. 
My gosh. 

The place they are having their picnic is where The Model started her modeling career. SO FUN. The Model set up a wedding for him... the fun begins!

"This is best way I can think of to show Ben I care about him." --The Model
She always takes things a little too far. 

She has rings, paper to write vows and a bow tie.

This is so dumb.
How do I keep watching?

She's copying her vows from a printed piece of paper?

There's a preacher!

Ben recites his vows to The Model.
Ben doesn't think this is too good to be true. Then, he called her kind and I knew he was lying.

The Model, of course, stole her vows from a movie.
None. Zero.
She made him write vows on the spot and she didn't even do it herself.
What a crock of shit.


Chrissy Poo sits down with Ben to dissect the dates.

Ben is sad that he didn't get approval to move in with Kacie if they were engaged.
He said they would have to compromise if this was going to work.
Yeah, the compromise would be: HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP.

Ben leaves Chrissy to stare at the photos.
Then, he heads to the "ladies."

"One of you will be going home." --Chrissy

Ben doesn't want to hurt anyone, but it's been an eye-opening week.

We're down to Nicki and Kacie.
Kacie won't live in sin.
I think we all know what is going to happen.

Nicki gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not shocked, but boy Kacie sure is!

She's trying to smile while crying and it's kind of endearing, but weird.
Ben doesn't say much because he's a selfish jackass.

Kacie gets in the limo and here come the tears.
Squeaky voice. Head down. Snot.
The whole package.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to you, I promise, baby gUrl.

Ben tells the "ladies" they are headed to Switzerland and that it's a "perfect place for falling in love."
I could fall in love in Des Moines, if it's the right person. This show is crap.


Lindsay Schardt said...


Unknown said...

You have a knack for getting down to the essentials. I wish you would narrate this live. I wouldn't feel so bad about watching this then (I do this in complete secrecy). I'd have you to refer to for all my immediate perplexing thoughts and questions swimming in my head while watching. You are hilarious. LOL all through your narration. I can't wait for your thoughts on Emily coming on board.

Morgan said...

Kacie's meltdown in the car was one of the all-timers. I've watched it multiple times and i still can't get enough.

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