Any episode that starts like this is bound to be nothing but miserable and likely, unbearable.
Of course, Ben is driving a big Jeep through Panama City like he's in a '90s teen romantic comedy. And of course his hair looks like an ape's butt crack. How has nobody stepped in to discuss that with him?
Ben delivers the date card to the gUrls and Kacie B. gets the date and is invited to "pack three things." What would you pack? I'd bring my Bible, a can opener and probably some tequila. That would just be for normal. If I had to pack three things to spend the day with Ben: I'd go with tequila, a pillow and some DVDs. He's so boring. Maybe just three bottles of tequila. Game time decision.
Oh. A helicopter.
The heli drops them off on a deserted island and we see that Kacie packed a monkey(??????), a wine opener and some candy. And they just giggled their little asses off after revealing what they each packed. THEN, they chopped down some coconuts, then they tried to fish, then Ben beat the shit out of a coconut, then he set the coconut on fire. And accomplishing that together meant "they could probably do anything." Marriage is definitely on the horizon for these two idiots. LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER.
The two stranded lovers sit down to dinner and start discussing "day-to-day" things. Kacie B. is super interesting. One of six things she mentioned she liked was, "going to the grocery store." Who likes to go to the grocery store? I go to Kroger 7 times a week and I don't like it. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell people it was an interest of mine.
Rachel is the opposite of excited for her two-on-one date.
gUrl, we should start a club. I am not excited either.
We head back to the date and Kacie tells Ben she doesn't relate to people her age and then tells her that she used to have an eating disorder. I don't know what eating disorders have to do with relating to people her age. I would think that if you were in your late teens when you were struggling with that, you could probably relate to a lot of gUrls. Maybe she's an "old soul" and really enjoys jazz and black and white silent movies and corsets or something. Or maybe she's being kind of dramatic because she didn't want to tell Ben that she had an eating disorder so she prefaced it with, "I don't relate to people my own age."
"On a scale of 1 to wonderful, today was fantastic." --Kacie
Mathematically that doesn't work, sweetie.
GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
"I don't need a woman who enjoys jungled rivers." --Ben
That's probably good. I'm not sure that's an actual thing.
The Model is "just over" her third group date.
I'm over her. It works out in the end.
"We're in the middle of the rain forest and it's raining." --Casey S.
The "ladies" hit up a village with Ben and lots of small children in loin cloths roll out.
Ben put on a loin cloth.
It wasn't even cute in a weird way.
Everyone is pissed that The Model took her top off. Shocking.
Ben appreciated it. Of course.
Ben, we're really seeing your true colors here, buddy. You are making your mother and sister super proud.
The tribal members show them how to paint tribal tattoos.
The Model is super sneaky and put "B + C = &<3" It was less than impressive to Emily, who faked throwing up upon seeing it.
The gUrls and the tribe partake in a dance. The Model quoted "My Best Friend's Wedding," proving she may have moves we've never seen, but she does not have a single original thought in her head. Original moves, no original thoughts.
COURTNEY, WHERE IS YOUR DAD?
He's never been so sad.
GROUP DATE PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben tells Lindzi that she's super cool and easy going. He's blocking out the horses. Has to be.
"Loves horses" at age 27, when you're not a horse trainer is not something that belongs in the "super cool" category.
"I don't believe in fighting." --Lindzi
But, it exists. So, you have to believe in it.
"I like to see the softer side to you." --Ben
The two of them are kind of cute, in the way that I could care less that they like each other type of way.
We get official word that Blakeley and Rachel are going on the two-on-one.
One stays, one goes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Back to the group.
Ben said skinny-dipping was "memorable."
"You're assertive." -- Ben, to The Model
Meaning: thank you for always getting naked for me.
The Model wants to "feel special."
So, that explains the daddy issues. Her father never made her feel special.
How did she end up being a model and not a stripper? She must have a decent mother?
The Model invited Ben to her room.
And people, that's what desperate looks like.
That one gUrl, what's her name? Yeah. She has on glitter eye shadow.
GLITTER EYE SHADOW.
The Model decides to go for a dip in the pool while Glitter Eye Shadow gUrl is just chit-chatting away.
I'm trying to recall if I've ever seen something so staged on television before. And in the end, The Model wins. But, really-- women everywhere lose: that Model is a desperate skank that seeks validation from males in not healthy ways and that other gUrl had GLITTER EYE SHADOW on.
Ben pulls Emily aside and they gigggggggggggggggggled and smiled and giggled.
Emily tries to apologize to The Model. The Model "respects" it, but again, The Model goes with the, "you shit in your own hat with me," retaliation and that's that.
"It is what it is." -- The Model
Ben gives Horse gUrl the rose. The Model is pissed because she basically got naked and to her that means rewards. Again, COURTNEY'S DAD, ARE YOU OUT THERE?
Blakeley versus Rachel.
One stays, one goes.
I wish they'd all go.
The trio heads to a salsa club, that's a bar and Rachel calls it "beautiful."
The missing Williams sister (of Serena and Venus) is teaching them salsa.
Ben isn't a terrible dancer, but that's because I'm comparing him to a blind penguin.
"Sexy hips! Sexy hips! That's all I'm doing." --Blakeley
"I think she uses her sexuality with Ben a lot and I don't know why." -- Rachel, about Blakeley
Really? You don't know why? I know zero things about boyZ and I can tell you exactly why she's doing it.
In a sad twist, we see what the Panamanian education system is like because the dance teacher just kept yelling, "1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7!" on repeat. : (
The trio leaves the "beautiful" bar and heads to dinner.
Rachel and Ben have a "little chat," followed by some tender kisses!
Is her voice deeper than his?
"I don't know what the hell I'm going to do." --Ben
I would just get the hell outta there, Benny Boo. Just run.
Blakeley is more nervous than she's ever been before.
So, clearly, she's led a sad life.
Has she never had a dance recital? Been way too invested in a college football game? Flown over a giant body of water? Sang in public? Nothing? This is the most nervous, ever?
Oh, the psycho card is out. We all saw this one coming.
Blakeley made a book for Ben.
When do these people have time to craft?
Side note: Anybody got Blakeley's Pinterest account name???????
Rachel gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blakeley storms out, she cries and tells Ben she still cares about him very much. VERY MUCH. SHE CARES SO MUCH THAT SHE MADE A SCRAPBOOK.
You could probably see her fingernail polish from outer space. So bright!
Chrissy Poo rolls in and needs to talk to Casey S.
Chris confronts her about Michael, her boyfriend back home.
Her ex-boyfriend back home?
"I don't know, maybe I should be in therapy or something." --Casey S.
This is the weirdest conversation ever. Basically, Chrissy Poo makes her walk through the hotel without shoes (DISEASES), and then makes her go to Ben's room and spill the beans! She sat on Ben's white couch with grocery store feet while telling Ben she's not completely over Michael? I mean, I think that's what happened.
"I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me." --Casey S.
In most cases, it doesn't really work like that anyway. Typically, people who don't want to marry you, don't marry you. And I'm speaking from personal experience.
She is not very clear, but by the end of it Ben suggests that she go home.
It was the most drama free confrontation on this show ever.
I mean, honestly? This is the only drama they could bring in from the real world? An EX-boyfriend that a gUrl is still somewhat, kind of pining over? NEXT!
I have seen more upsetting things happen on an episode of "Blue's Clues."
Is that a silk chambray jumper she has on?
What's a 'trading clerk'?
She's an ugly crier. Way to keep it real, sister.
Ben takes a moment to reflect on the situation by checking out the brown water outside of his hotel.
I think this may be our first, "look out over something" ponder moment of the season.
Shit is getting real.
Chrissy Poo gives a speech about "being open to finding love."
I mean, they just put her in that van. No questions asked.
Baby gUrl didn't even get to put her damn shoes back on!
ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nicki and Ben could be brother and sister.
Nicki just talks, Ben barely listens. Then, they danced and giggled.
"I need to show him that I'm a woman." --GLITTER gUrl
So, Glitter gUrl just talks. And talks. And talks. I understand the whole, "I talk fast when I'm nervous" thing, but I mean...she just put her foot in her mouth over and over again. She talks about the things she wants to do to Ben, then talks about surprises.
Then, well, Glitter gUrl got real.
I think her dress split. Then, she wouldn't shut up.
"I don't want to be fancy with anyone unless I trust them." --Glitter gUrl
I feel the same way, GG, but... I don't think straddling a man on television is in the 'fancy' category. But, we must classify 'fancy' differently, obviously.
Things just got really terrifying, especially when Glitter gUrl tried to coach Ben into kissing her. I felt like I was watching a TLC special. Eventually, Ben quit.
gUrls across the globe squirmed in second-hand embarrassment and dads everywhere sent their daughters text messages of validation and exhortation. Hopefully.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One "lady" is going home.
I wonder who!!!!!!!!!!!! (JOKE)
Rachel looks like she spent all night at a frat house.
And not in the good way.
Which, I actually don't think there is a good way to spend all night at a frat house.
Glitter gUrl is taking her shy, fast-talking self home tonight!
But, I learned her name! It's JAMIE!
She's one level above Casey S. though. She got to go home with BOTH shoes on! Go on with your bad self, sista gUrl!
"I'm definitely scared of love." -- Glitter gUrl
It's more scared of you. I promise.
Ben gives a pep talk to the remaining "ladies" and assures them that he thinks his wife is still in the room. Then, he tells them they are headed to Belize. I guarantee you, not one of those gUrls could tell you where Belize is on a map. Most of them acted like they had never really heard of Belize, even. Nicki was pretty excited. I'm guessing that's where she went on her first honeymoon?
After thoughts: There's a lot to say about this epi. But, really... it's just sad. Mostly, it's sad that these "ladies" (the majority of them) think they have to get dirRty to get Ben's attention and where that's probably true on some level, it's not necessary. I really hope these gUrls' parents do not have cable or television of any sort. I can only imagine the shame my father would feel if I acted the way these gUrls do.
Emily's rap was pretty incredible. Mad props to her.