pigs, the flu and children.

I tell you what-- when the media (liberal, elite or otherwise) finds something to report on they sure stick to it, which in turns leads to mass hysteria and delusion among the general public.  Recent examples would include, but are not limited to: Obama, Twitter, Miss California and the economy. And, oh yes, I almost forgot-- Susan Boyle. 

I've heard more than one person say they wouldn't have even noticed the economy was in the tank had it not been for the media throwing it up on us every single day. And by throwing up on us, I mean, obnoxiously reporting that we are all going back to 1929 dust bowl-esque type settings before the sun sets next Wednesday. Or was it the Wednesday after next?

Anyway, this whole Swine Flu thing is in full-court press mode. The country's largest school district (Fort Worth) shut its doors until May 11. Why? Because one kid might have swine flu. One kid. One kid in the largest school district in the country. One kid that probably told his mom he had a sore throat. One kid that more than likely suffers from allergies.  I'm all about preventative health care, but this seems a bit over-the-top. Too much, if you will. 

When I was in kindergarten the principal announced over the intercom, "there is an outbreak of fifth disease being reported. Do not touch your mouth to water fountains and please wash your hands." What was the first thing I did? Raised my hand and asked if I could get a drink. Then what did I do? Licked all over that water fountain. Guess what happened next. Yes, I got fifth disease! I missed two or three days of school and then I was fine. 

Granted, fifth disease isn't the swine flu, but all it took was an intercom announcement for a semi-intelligent kindergartner to expose herself to fifth disease-- don't you think a lot of kids are complaining of symptoms they heard about on the news to get out of school? Yes. 

I bet if the media quits twittering about swine flu people will probably be less likely to come down with it, but hey-- I'm no medical expert and I don't play one on tv and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, I'm just guessing. 

Lord, strike me with a swift kick of the swine flu, if I'm completely insensitive to the hysteria that is sweeping the nation and be with everyone who is suffering. Amen. 

the hills: spencer goes Jesus.

Last week we left off with Spencer expressing to Heidi that, "I feel like I'm in a nightmare," which left me feeling like I was in the exact opposite of a nightmare. It was something more along the lines of reality television heaven on earth.

This week starts off with the gUrls crew thinking, "Hey, all my guy friends are going to Hawaii for a very specific boyZ weekend. I should probably go." Wrong to everyone, but people on reality tv, so they go!

But, there wasn't much of a reaction. 

"It's not about being upset, I was like surprised." --Brody, as he barely flinched when the gUrls crew walked in on his boyZ weekend.

"Oh, they want to do shots? I love 'em then." -- Brody, on how he feels about the girls being in Hawaii

I am guessing it was all of those shots that led to Audrina's tears on the beach over Justin Bobbby. Such a dramatic moment for everyone and by everyone I mean, Audrina. StephiePratt was just pulling it out of her. I'm kind of guessing it was the shots and maybe the producers. The questions and comments were a little scripted. 

-----

We cut to Spencer and Heidi at Barnes and Noble (product placement shout out! I'm guessing at least 15 or 16 Hills viewers read books on a semi-regular basis). 

"Here, why don't you look at the Soul of Truth?" --Heidi

"Yeah, because I really have a Soul of Truth." -- Spencer

Way to play it down, Spencer. He's so freakin' modest. It's unbelievable.

Heidi let's Spencer know that Colby is coming to town and one of the most interesting conversations of all-time-ever comes out of it:

"Should I bring a prayer or something?"

"I think you'll like him, he's really nice."

"Yeah, cause a lot of people I hang out with go to Bible college." 

"That's my point, I think it might be good for you to see a nice, normal guy." 

Um...Heidi...when you want your current boyfriend to be more like your ex-boyfriend that's bad. And it's even worse when you want them to meet, so current boyfriend can start to emulate ex-boyfriend. And really, Spence? Bring a prayer? You don't usually have to carry those around, you can wing it. No packing necessary.

-----

"So, who is single here? Audrina, what would you consider yourself? No more JB?"-- StephiePratt

Alright, Hills Producers, I'm talking to you on this one: get out of my life. If these people really need that much pushing and prodding to have a television-worthy conversation then they are no longer worthy of my time (as if they ever really were).  StephiePratt must study her lines. Producers give her something to go-by and she says it word-for-word. There is no ad-libbing with this girl. All business, all the time. And cut back. 

-----

"You know the only reason I am having this dinner right now is because you told me he goes to Bible college and in my own head I have convinced myself that he's a virgin and you two have only been to first base." -- Spencer

"If even first base! And as far as I'm concerned, he's still a virgin."-- Heidi

I would love to know what that last little comment meant. As far as you're concerned, Heidi? What? 

Love when Colby's girlfriend, who was obviously a bit in awe of the Pratts, straight up told Heidi, "you look different. I've seen pictures. You look so different." Duh, girl. Heidi's been through several rounds of plastic surgery. Get serious. 

This is where Spencer is introduced to nice, normal guy Colby, who doesn't drink alcohol. It's not all that shocking to me that he doesn't drink, because I didn't for many, many years, but I'm guessing this is the first person Spencer has ever met someone who doesn't drink because he doesn't want to. I'm sure some of Spencer's friends have court-appointed reasons not to drink, but not this guy, leaving Spencer in total shock.  And then, he's doubly shocked when learning that Colby and girlfriend have two separate rooms and only hug good night! 

-----

StephiePratt is a sucky friend.

"I wouldn't want to just keep shaking his hand. Maybe you should do it, just to get Justin back."

First off, I've never seen any of these people shake hands and second, I thought we were coaching Audrina out of Justin Bobby. Now, we're plotting revenge? Girl, get on the train. You are de-railed and heading to Crazy Town fast. 

Audrina spends the evening at dinner and after, throwing herself at the king of the bromance, Brody.  Even confessing that she's always had a little crush. 

"I messed up. I cheated on my girlfriend" --Brody

"I would've put that down like a sick dog." --Sleazy T

So, Audrina and Brody hook-up. Which, I still don't know what that actually means, but apparently it has something to do with sick dogs and letting them rest in peace. Which, is a whole new definition of hooking-up that I have yet to hear.  And Audrina says Brody's girlfriend can come after her if she wants. I'm so over this. 

-----

Spencer invests some time in Colby and asks some very honest questions. At first, I really thought he was just making fun of him, but in my heart I want to believe (and I honestly kind of do believe) that he's curious and wants to know more.

"Where in the Bible, I need to know the verse and the quote, where it says you can't have sex until marriage." --Spencer

First off, Spence, my boy, when talking about scripture-- a verse and a quote are pretty much the same thing. Gotta learn the basics before you can build the house. Hammer, then nails. 

Colby's girlfriend was not so convincing at the "Bible study." She had a piece of paper she was reading off of, luckily the Colbster stepped in and hit a homerun with a verse out of Hebrews. Not really a homerun as much as, he read a verse out of Hebrews. But, props on finding a verse out of the New Testament-- cause if Heidi and Spencer knew anything, they'd totally jump on the Old Testament (had Colby read from there) and the fact that Jesus came so we wouldn't be slaves to the law. I digress. 

Spencer had a pretty heavy duty Bible and Bible cover, circa something either your grandfather carries around or what you got as a confirmation gift. I quit with the Bible cover/ briefcase around the dawn of time, but hey-- if you've got it, flaunt it! 

"Just think about how nice life would be if everyone just loved each other (giggle, giggle) and listened." --Colby's girlfriend

"So, an imaginary world?" -- Spencer

He's right. That is an imaginary world, but it's the Gospel. Although, I need to look up the "quote" where Jesus says, "Love everyone as I have loved you AND listen."

Here's where I get confused-- Spencer confesses that he may need to be more like Colby and that he has changed Heidi and Heidi is all, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But, then she just tells him to be nice. This blogger, me, believes in the power of the Holy Spirit and believes that even the Lord can change Spencer. Bold statement, but I believe.  Apparently, Heidi isn't looking for the Holy Spirit to intervene. She just wants Spencer to be nicer, she doesn't want to feel convicted about their relationship. That right there is proof that Heidi may actually believe in the Lord. Who ever really wants to feel convicted about something they are doing wrong (Oh, I see some hands out there)?

-----

Like I said earlier, I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit and I believe that the Lord, the King of Kings, can change even the worst of reality television stars. And even if this is all a charade-- how often does God get a mention on MTV? I say it's a win-- exposure to the Gospel is exposure to the Gospel. 

I'm really hoping that sometime this season the whole Hills crew gets in a Bible study 

together-- that's one Theological debate I'd love to listen to. Can you imagine Sleazy T interpreting scripture? Do you think he'd change his name to Holy T?

Until next time, see you in church, I mean...

tweet, tweet.

While doing some googling I found these other famous tweets from history.


LilDaveShepBoy @GiantGoliath Bitch, please.
about 1000BC from TwitterBerry

DanielProphet @Shadrach @Meshach @Abedneago It’s getting hot in herre. RT @Nelly It’s getting hot in herre.
about 500BC from Web

JFK @RFK Duck!
About 1963 from Web
RFK @JFK You first!
About 1963 from TwitterBerry


TrickyDickNixon @JerryFord You’re on deck. Go get 'em.
About 1974 from Web


ChrisColumbus @SpainQueen Eureka!
About 1492 from TwitterBerry



1Adam @2Eve WTF?! Seriously?!
Shortly after dawn of creation from TwitterBerry


GWBush @USAmericans Done and Done. Hanging up banner to announce it.
About May 1,2003 from Web


Jesus316 @12FishersOfMen Seriously, it's this new concept: first equals last. Go with it.
About 28AD from TwitterBerry


HeavenlyFather @Moses10 I am that I am.
about 2000BC ago from Web
Moses10 @BlazinBush @HeavenlyFather Come again?
about 2000BC ago from Web


DoubtingThomas @BFFJohn Just not feelin it, I’m kind of iffy on the subject.
About 30AD from TwitterBerry


TheApostlePaul @AnyoneAndEveryone Please do not call me Saul. I won’t answer to it.
About 33AD from TwitterBerry


WJClinton42 @USAmericans What’s your definition of ‘sex’?
About March 29, 1997 from mobile web


HeavenlyFather @AnyoneAndEveryone You’re on thin ice.
Every single day from TwitterBerry

follow me.

The chances of me caring about what you are doing at almost any time of the day are incredibly low. For instance, I don't care if you are at Target and there is a sale on shampoo. I don't care if you're drinking a beer and you spilled it. I don't care if you're going to bed.



I only care about these things if you are at Target and saw you Beyonce buying shampoo, or if you spilled your beer on Shakira and the only reason I would care if you're going to bed or not is if you don't plan on ever waking up again.



So, with that, I ask-- what's up with Twitter? (Yes, I have a Twitter account and yes, I've made approximately 7 updates. None of which involved any mundane updates on the wind blowing or what I'm watching on television.)


I just don't get Twitter. Texting took over actual phone calls, what seems like years ago, and internetS chatting took over face-to-face conversations long before that. What is Twitter going to replace? All-of-the-above? Breathing? Family functions? Reality television (Lord, I pray that it's not reality tv)?

I sound bitter over Twitter. Not true. It has brought me much joy the past few days, most notably Heidi Montag's site, but even after the giggles I still don't care that Heidi "loves the new soulja boy song! da da da dat dat."

I guess I'm just saying the only important person who was every really worthy enough to be followed when he said, "follow me," was Jesus. Which makes me wonder if Jesus would Twitter...

Jesus316 @HeavenlyFather There's like 5,000 peeps here. I have 4 fish. Please advise.
2 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Jesus316 @TaxManCometh I can see you.
5 hours ago from TwitterBerry

Jesus316 @PeterRock You aren't going to make it! Get back on the boat.
5 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

PeterRock @Jesus316 I'm on a boat!
7 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Jesus316 @ Judas_1_Awesome You've got to be kidding me. Get serious.
2 hours ago from TwitterBerry

If Jesus starts to Twitter I'll jump on the band wagon. Guaranteed.

the hills: episode 4.

The show started with Audrina and LC reliving some old memories of prowling for boyZ at local LA shit holes. It was so cute of them to relive memories that we didn't actually see on other episodes of The Hills. I only remember them prowling for boyZ at Area and Le Deux, which are probably shit holes, just decorated better than the place they started out at last night. During the convo Audrina said, "I'm just content with myself for the first time. It's nice." As soon as she said that I wondered two things: 1. Have my prayers been answered? Did Audrina find Jesus (or did Jesus find her)? and 2. I bet Heidi drew the bridge diagram for her (according to Heidi's Twitter she is quite the lover of Jesus and pizza). 

"We ate crackers over your sweater." -- Kelly to StephiePratt

Alright, so StephiePratt was supposed to put some clothes in a box (Without getting cracker crumbs on them). Let me rephrase that to put it in more simple terms: StephiePratt was supposed to put some clothes in a box. When LC walked away to do some other "work" things, StephiePratt looked like someone just told her she needed to do some differential equations or something equally as difficult, like alphabetize some files or print some labels.  I have a feeling this internship is going to leave someone up Shit Creek without a paddle (SHOUT OUT to LJ for teaching me that gem of a phrase). Kelly told Stephie Pratt she is, "watching her." I bet it won't be too long before she gets a baby monitor video thing to really start watching StephiePratt's progress of minuscule tasks. 

Spencer feels like Heidi needs to lose the attitude. He is also sick of not knowing where he's at. Get that boy a Garmin. Spencer's idea of convincing Heidi that he isn't dating the bartender was simply, "I'm into blondes. She doesn't have blonde hair." Solid arguement. 

The Crew (my new term meaning "everyone.") hit up a hoppin' club. We were finally introduced to Brody's lady, (using the term "lady" fairly loosely here) Jayde. I can't help but wonder if it's actually spelled "J-A-Y-D-E" on her birth certificate or if she added the "Y" for a personal touch when she posed for Playboy. Brody played big brother and told Audrina to, "just go have fun." 

"So, I hear Justin's acting weird." --StephiePratt to Audrina

Proof in the pudding that StephiePratt probably can't actually print labels. The girl is an idiot. She's just now realizing that Justin Bobby is a huge weirdo? 

"He's not someone I want in real life." -- Audrina to StephiePratt, about JB

Stop the internetS. Stop the freakin' internetS. For the first time in the history of ever, I'm on Spencer's side for an argument. He calmly answered Brody's phone call, told him he couldn't go to Hawaii and hung up. Heidi immediately gets dramatic and starts pounding him about girls. Dude, he just answered the phone and said he wasn't going to go. 

"I cannot wait to discuss this with a therapist." --Heidi to Spencer

Um. Duh. 

Audrina started taking advice from Brody's boy, Sleazy T. I think he runs in the same crowd as someone else with an equally awesome name, but I don't know who at this very moment. 

"Do you know how quick our life is here on Earth?" -- Justin Bobby to Audrina

I think that was an excuse for not settling down with Audrina, but I'm not sure. Nothing JB says really makes sense anyway, so this quote was just added to his, "only truth and time will tell," quote.

"I want to feel special. You don't make me feel special. Ever." -- Audrina to Justin Bobby

Whoa, whoa, whoa-- I think Audrina forgot the really special pinky ring JB gave to Audrina not too long ago. Why are they having this conversation in a club? She told JB she was crazy in love with him and he played with his hair and walked away. Big time ouch. For the sole purpose of making my own life better, I am going to offer to pay for couples' therapy for JB and Audrina. I mean, think about it. 

Cut back to StephiePratt and LC at work. She said she put something into Excel. There is no way she knows what Excel is. I can't wait to see StephiePratt start her own company.

The moment we've all been waiting on: therapy.

"We almost got married. Twice." --Heidi

"We did get married." -- Spencer

"Alright, we did get married." -- Heidi

Well, they agreed on that. That's progress. The therapist told them they sounded high school-ish. Someone get this lady a hammer, she just hit the nail on the head. 

"What are you doing with him?" --Therapist to Heidi

Again, still kind of on Spencer's side. He tells Heidi exactly what he's thinking and she freaks out. Heidi needs to take a chill pill. Get her a bottle of Xanax or something. 

"No drama." --LC

Well, who, in their right mind, would watch this crap then?

Next on The Hills: BIBLES.

I'm giddy.

ruven.

I've touched lightly on this topic before, but one of my only goals in life is to not be sketchy or shady. To not do things people are unsure of and to lead a life of honesty. For the majority of my life I'm pretty sure I've achieved that (mostly). But, there was this one week where my flesh got the best of me and I went all kinds of shade tree.

Some of my actions were regrettable, but really, they led me to this gem of a friend: Lauren Gene Oswalt Baber (SHOUT OUT). Oswalt is one of my favorites, she's hilarious, loves beer, dogs, twirling hair, fashion, adderrall and Texas. She has great taste in music, friends and blogs.

She's about to complete her first year of law school at the U of A and saying I am proud would be correct, but so would saying I am in shock.

Oswalt this one's for you. Ruven from the internetS oven.

still on the air: the hills.

"Did you leave your train out front that matches that hat?" --Spencer to Stephanie

I had full confidence in this episode after it started out with that quote. 

I loved the conversation between LC and StephiePratt about eating. It lasted all of two seconds because they probably only take about 37 seconds out of every single day to actually consume sustenance that isn't tequila. Is tequila sustenance? I would guess that tequila is to reality tv people what carbs are to normal-regular-non-reality-tv people. 

"Do you know how to print labels?" --Kelly to Stephanie

She really doesn't know how to print labels and she didn't even cover it up. In normal interviews the employer might ask something along the lines of, "do you know how to put formulas into Excel?" or "can you use Adobe programs?" or maybe even, "Can you build

 a web site?" Once again, the life of a reality tv person is nothing like being a normal-regular-non-reality-tv person. 

"You're a homewrecker." -- Stephanie to Bartender

"Excuse my sister, she's not housebroken." -- Spencer to Bartender

"Love doesn't make sense and no one ever said it's easy. You need professional help." -- Stephanie to Heidi

Shibamski! StephiePratt told Heidi she needs therapy, aka professional help. I've never loved a conversation so much. Heidi obviously needs professional help-- she wants to marry Spencer effing Pratt. Get serious. Get therapy.

"I'm over drama." -- Spencer to Heidi

If that wasn't the quote of the freakin' century, I don't know what was!

Ladies and other ladies reading this, The Hills is back. This episode solidified its place in reality television history, or maybe just regular history. I'd say regular history without hesitation.

Next week: Therapy. 

Get silly, get silly.