the bachelor :: sean : epi 7.

And so here we are. St. Croix.
It's no Canada, eh, Sean?

"We are in one of the most beautiful TROPICAL places in the world." -- Sean, about St. Croix
So. In comparison to other tropical places we know where this one fits. 

Sean wanted to "break the rules" and fly in a seaplane with all the gUrls!!!!!!!!!! And that's exactly what he did.

The gUrls "explore" the hotel by walking out on the balcony and screaming.

Then, they sit outside and talk about all the activities they could do on the island. Pretty sure at one point I heard someone just say, "boat!" As in, a boat is an activity.

-----

Sean arrives for the one-on-one date and he borrowed his PERFECT dad's linen shirt. He makes AshLee swim about half a mile to the boat they are going to take to a private island. (Someone has to say it: SoulSurfer couldn't go on this date.)

AshLee's never had someone make her swim to a boat before. Because she's adopted.

Sean gets AshLee to a private island and immediately asks about the "drama." I think AshLee even called Tierra "pouty pants." POUTY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They get up and run around and then, suddenly! They are both laying down, rolling in the sand! (Rolling in the sand! You're gonna wish you, never had met me, rolling in the sand, WE COULD'VE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!)

 Oh, the places sand will end up! Crevices. Baby gUrl's gonna have a long night ahead of her.

Sean has a very romantic ocean side dinner planned for AshLee. By planning he means he saw it on the Bachelor a few seasons ago.

Sean asks if there's anything AshLee hasn't covered with him. She starts to cry and says, "there is one more thing!" She wants it to be breezy (Breezy! I'm breezy!). Just gonna breeze through it.

AshLee lets Sean know that she got married at 17. Married. at. 17. What high school boy marries someone who isn't preg? Bold move!

Sean's pretty unaffected by the news and thinks she's perfect the way she is. I mean, I agree that that's not like, a major issue, but... you should probably ask some more questions! Kind of a young age to make that kind of decision.

SomethingsomethingHELLOSTCROIXsomethingsomethingILOVESEANkissingkissing. Bad music.

Sean says he has no questions at this point. Say who! I think more than anyone, AshLee, needs to engage in some pre-marriage counseling. Just saying. So, I hope he does ask one or two more questions. At least!

------

Sean managed to find another linen shirt for his date with Tierra. He DOES have a question or 12 for her. Sean brought a TOTE on their date.

A TOTE BAG.

Shopping is one of Tierra's favorite things to do and she especially loves shopping with Sean. He bought her a bracelet from what I'm assuming is the Claire's of St. Croix.

There's a parade, so Tierra dances in the middle of it. Because that's what you do when there's a parade. You just walk in the middle of it. REAL SAFE.

[Back at the hotel: AshLee tells the other gUrls that she told Sean all of the terrible things that they don't like about Tierra. The top complaint? SHE DOESN'T SAY GOOD MORNING.]

All of that dancing in the street led to a snocone on the steps, followed by a hard conversation. Tierra tells Sean she wouldn't change anything she's done. Which, to me means, she isn't regretting her decision to wear wedges while spending an entire day walking around a town with cobblestone streets.

It's time for dinner! Sean just asked the producers to leave the set-up from the night before by the beach to make it easier on everyone. But, they opted to move it to a sugar mill.

Sean classed it up with some plaid shorts.

Tierra feels distant from Sean and she feels behind "in the game." I'm not a genius, but I don't know that you should call it a game in front of the dude. Maybe in interviews and stuff, but not at your dinner date, gUrl! Come on! To play the game, you gotta play the game.

Tierra's not going to let any bus come between her and her man. She tells Sean that she's "falling" for him. Like, duh? OH. She means falling in love. (OR FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.)

Sean reveals that he thinks she's a "sweet person" and hopefully after this week he can deliver her from living with the other gUrls. What a knight!

-----

We're 42 minutes in AND THIS IS SO BORING.

-----

Sean is walking around the hotel with a flashlight. He sneaks into the gUrls' rooms and tells them to GET THE HELL UP and get dressed. This is exactly how my dad woke me up for school every morning.

Lindsay, CathyCat and Destinee get in Sean's Jeep just in time to watch the sunrise. How romantic!

He also reveals that they are going to be the first four people in the United States to watch the sunrise.
You know those gUrls were confused by that statement.

Sean is taking these gUrls on a "road trip." The music is leading me to believe that someone scary might be chasing them.

The trip is going to cover the entire island, from sunrise to sunset.

Do you think they called "shotgun" every time they got in and out of the car? I sure as hell would've.

I'm so bored by this road trip. I haven't heard a single Celine Dion song and no one is bitching about needing to use the bathroom. So. Not a real road trip.

BORED.

CathyCat and Linds are bored, too.

They finally make it to the end of the road. There's a little bit of time before the sunset, so it's time for SEXY TIME at the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean and Linds have a little review sesh of their "relationship" on the beach. There wasn't much to review, but I'm kind of surprise ole Linds didn't bring a Power Point presentation with her.

CathyCat finally gets her alone time with Sean and she tells him that her dad lives in China. Then, she says he's had a lot of struggles and that he was "taken away." But... she does not clarify if he was taken to China or if he chose to go there? IS THAT A THING? CAN SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY TO CHINA?

[Back at the hotel: AshLee and Lesley are talking about Tierra and OF COURSE, she can hear them. Lesley is indulging in some MILLER TIME.]

Destinee has FINALLY nailed the premise of the show. A rose means you stay and guarantees some more time with SeanBoy. Nailed it, gUrl! Nailed it!

Destinee says it's HUGE to bring someone home to her family. Then, she just starts crying.

It's time to hand out the rose! SeanBoy says it's the hardest decision he's made so far. LIES.

TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!
Lindsdawg gets the rose.

Destinee, tell her what she's won!

-----

Sean's wearing his favorite Salmon bermuda shorts for his one-on-one date with Lesley. She's wearing a matching salmon skirt.

SeanBoy wants to use today to figure out if he likes Lesley enough to travel to Fort Smith, Arkansas. Let me tell you, you gotta like someone a lot to hit that place up.

Lesley reveals that she's a Bachelor fan and that she's falling in love with SeanBoy.

Lesley's happy place is her lake house. Well, DUH. What if she was like, "I hate the lake!" RED FLAG.

Lesley gets a little bit awk and backs out of telling Sean that she's falling in love. Instead, she suggests that they pick some fruit. Normal.

Sean can tell that Lesley is nervous. But, he's also like, WAY ANNOYED.

BORED.

-----

Sean only packed linen shirts for this trip. He's nervous and he needs some advice, so ABC has flown his sister down to talk it out with Sean. He waits for her in the most natural of places.

"I'll just wait out here on this mini pier for my sister! Film me looking at the water!"
#nofilter

Shay is SeanBoy's role model, because she's married with kids. AND THAT IS ALL SEAN WANTS.

Shay doesn't hold back at all, "Their hearts will get broken and they'll get over it."

Shay doesn't want Sean to pick a gUrl that isn't as committed as he is. She wants him to pick someone with good intentions. OBVI.

[Back at the hotel: Tierra confronts AshLee. Tierra is convinced that AshLee is sabotaging her relationship.]

Sean explains Tierra to his sister and the second he tells her that T-Dawg doesn't hang out with the other gUrls, she KNOWS. (I knew you were trouble when you walked in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[Hotel: Tierra isn't messing around. She attacks AshLee's age and keeps talking about buses. Tierra yells at AshLee and tells her that the other gUrls are talking shit about HER and her character. But, Tierra is DONE with this conversation.

I'm done with her face!!!!!!!

AshLee goes to talk to the other gUrls and Tierra follows her. She brings the bus back up. This gUrl LOVES buses.

gUrls be mad when you don't say "good morning!"

"Raised eyebrow?! That's my face!" -- Tierra
Oopsies!

"I've never had botox!" -- Tierra
Whoa, whoa! Did someone accuse you of that?

Tierra's parents told her she has a "sparkle."
Tierra is 24.
No one should be telling their 24-year-old child that. EVER.

If my dad told me I had "sparkle," I'd be very concerned. I don't think my dad even knows that word! I mean, not as an adjective for a person, unless he's talking about Fergie or something.

(Fun fact! My neighbors, growing-up, had a dog named 'Sparkles'. He was kind of mang-y, so we called him 'Spackles'!)

Sean suggests that Shay meet Tierra. Uh-oh!

Sean is walking up to the hotel during the middle of this meltdown.

"GO SIT ON YOUR COT!" -- AshLee
Ohhhhhh, diss!
That really cut to the core.

Of course, Sean just misses the fight and finds Tierra on her cot. She is crying and she's being honest. She admits that she confronted AshLee and she feels like AshLee is OUT TO GET HER with her "pity" high-school-32-year-old shit!

Tearstearstearstearstears.

Sean walks out on Tierra to stare at the concrete. This is his nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's been too much drama and not near enough hand holding!!!!!!!!!!

It's like that concrete spoke to him! He knows what he needs to do!

He dangles his sister in front of Tierra's face, but... it ain't happenin', gUrl. GO HOME NOW.

Sean says he can't keep her because it's "so hard on her."

Classic, Sean. Classic.
"It's not you...(it's not me either). It's YOU on this show."

Sean didn't see this coming, but he's not shocked.

T-Dawg doesn't even get to take her bag with her! She got in that mini-van without even a sweater for the plane!

Tierra cries a hard, ugly cry as she sits in the back of the van.

Sean makes it back to his sister (HOURS LATER) and lets SissyPoo know that he told T-Dawg to get on outta hurr!

"I told myself nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen." -- Tierra
It's one thing to say that as you accept 1st runner-up in the Miss America pageant. 
It's a whole other ballgame to say that as you're sitting in a mini-van, crying, while wearing a bathing suit cover-up and fake pearl earrings. 

SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!

Sparkle done left the building, gUrl!

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean seems over-dressed for the party.

He reveals that he told Tierra to get her shit (sparkle included) and leave. He sent her home.

"Just to clarify: I'm not looking for that in a partner." -- Sean, re: drama
Each gUrl made a mental note at this clarification. 
Not looking for DRAMA. 
Might be looking for SPARKLE?

Sean has cancelled the pre-party and is moving this straight to the ROSE CEREMONY. Baby boi is tired of playing games. It's time to take care of business.

That's Sean. TCB all the time.

AshLee explains to the other gUrls that she's not dramatic, she's protective. Sure, sure! Heard that one before!

Chris is all, "this is a huge rose ceremony."
Everything's bigger in St. Croix?

AshLee is "free-king" out and she doesn't want to go home without him.
She could easily be talking about a Golden Retriever puppy right now and I wouldn't know the difference.

One rose.
Two "ladies."

AshLee gets the final rose!!!!!!

The rose spoke to AshLee and it said, "you can trust."
This gUrl be cray! She got a rose talkin' to her now!

gUrls be sad that Lesley is going home.

CathyCat is nervous. Lesley has more in common with Sean than her, so she's all..."WTF, Sean? What do you want?"

Lesley gets in the car and is STONE COLD.
No one has ever kept their game tighter in the back of the rejection car.
No one.

All the ladies who independent, throw ya hands up at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Child of destinnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy!

Way to keep it on lock for Arkansas, gUrl!

I can't believe he turned down a trip to Lesley's lake house to go to HOUSTON. Um. HELLO?! I'm guessing her house is on Lake Ouachita and let me tell you, you would rather go there than Houston. You'd rather move into the Exxon bathroom at the intersection of Highways 27 and 270 on the way to the lake (there's a Subway!) than go to Houston. But, that's just one woman's opinion (mine).


-----

Next week Sean gets in a fight with someone's brother and talks Department of Defense spending with Lindsay's dad!

the bachelor :: sean : epi 6.

Sean wants to get back on track this week, so he stands atop a giant brush pile in the Canadian Rockies to explain to us the difference between Montana and Canada. Never too old to learn, gang!

In an attempt to let Chris Harrison show his range, ABC let him stand outside and explain the rules to the gUrls. He all but gets out a map for these ladies to explain to them where they are currently located. He told them to pack their bags and be ready to head south of the border the second Sean doesn't ask them to accept a rose.

Catherine gets the one-on-one date. She's ready to brave the Canadian wild in a pair of earrings she stole from the Pussycat Dolls.

-----

Catherine is forced to stand outside in a blizzard and wait on Sean to pick her up in a giant truck/bus/tractor. Actually, kind of cool that they let Sean drive that thing.

Not cool?
Playing outside on a glacier all day.

They busted out that cheap Target sled as if they were just two small kids enjoying a snowy afternoon in Central Park. Love conquers all.

"Catherine and I are sledding...we're making snow angels...This is what I want in a wife." --Sean
PRIORITIES. 

Later, Sean and CathyCat take a carriage ride to a giant ice castle. Inside the ice castle is a cheap couch from Pier One. : (

Sean calls it the most romantic setting he's ever been in. I call it a dorm room on ice!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

CathyCat is ready to tell Sean "what he doesn't know about her." I think he wants to know if the nose ring is the result of a lazy Sunday afternoon in college OR you know, daddy issues.

CathyCat tells a story about a tree falling in the woods. (I AM IGNORING SO MANY JOKES HERE, BECAUSE I TRY TO BE SENSITIVE TO TRAUMATIC EVENTS.)

She then goes on to tell Sean that the moment she saw this horrific accident happen right in front of her eyes was the moment she knew she wanted to be a wife and mother. Being married is HER BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE. Don't get me started, Cat. Don't even get me started.

When Cat's story is finally over, Sean says, "thank you."

Last week was rough for Sean, but now it's not rough anymore because Cat told a sad story!!!!!!! VULNERABLE!!!!!!!!!!

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The seven gUrls on the group date are forced to canoe across Lake Louise in order to jump into Lake Louise.

One summer I was forced to kayak across Table Rock Lake in Missouri and I almost died 100 times!!!!!!!! And I have two fully-functioning arms and was wearing a bathing suit and shorts. It was one of the worst experiences of my life (K-2 SHOUT OUT! B.MAYES. KITTY KAT HARRIS! MEOW!).

THEY ARE MAKING A gUrl WITH ONE ARM CANOE ACROSS A GIANT LAKE.
Soak that up, people.

Also, what do these gUrls think they are doing for the day? NOT A SINGLE TOBOGGAN IN THE GROUP. Like, gUrl, your head is gonna be cold!!!!!!!!!

They finally make it across the lake. GREAT JOB, SOULSURFER. You are a true American hero.

Sean tells the gUrls he has a surprise for them.

THAT ONE gUrl IS WEARING A DENIM JACKET. IN THE WINTER. IN CANADA.

The surprise is the "opportunity of a lifetime!" The gUrls can strip down to their 'kinis (short for bikinis and I'm copyrighting that RIGHT NOW) and jump into the lake! Of course, this will all be supervised.

"You understand that this lake is glacier-fed." -- Medical Worker
: (
There's no way that made sense to them.

The rules are: get out of the water as fast as you can.

Lesley, SoulSurfer, Lindsay and Daniella are sold.
AshLee and Tierra aren't really feeling it.

Selma said, "aww, hell no!"

Remember: Selma is from Baghdad. It's a desert there.

Sean tries to convince her to do it by telling her, "you're only going to have the opportunity to do this once in your life." YOLO, IDIOTS.

And in the smartest thing she's ever said to anyone, she looked back at Sean and said, "Bitch please! I can come back and do this any time I want. I BUY MY OWN DIAMONDS AND I BUY MY OWN RINGS!"

Child of destinnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy!

In a fit of rage, Tierra throws off her Faded Glory red pea coat and strips down! She's ready.

AshLee isn't quite there yet. She's doing it for Sean and no one EVER IN HER LIFE has made her want to do something for them. Ever? Really? I need to know more about this, gUrl.

THE SCREAMING.
OHHHHHHHH, THE SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY DID IT!
THEY DID IT!

WHAT STRONG WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who did it is super pumped afterwards and you know what, you go, gUrls!
Go gUrls, go God! (SHOUT OUT, KITTEN.)

Tierra is not so lucky. Her body can't handle it. She looks unresponsive. Sean's not a professional, so there's nothing (NOTHING) he can do to help.

"I think everyone is aware of hypothermia." -- Sean
Too much credit is being given here, SeanBoy.
So: Hypothermia Awareness Web site

NOW EVERYONE IS AWARE OF IT.

Tierra is as close to death as she's ever been. Minus that time she fell down the stairs.
This is serious. (Side note: hypothermia/low body temperature seems like a really hard thing to fake. This gUrl loves a challenge!)

The medical worker on the scene wraps her in a blanket and hands her a venti coffee.
Wait. What. Is that what you're supposed to do?

Destinee and CathyCat go downstairs to check on Tierra and seem genuinely appalled that SeanBoy made these gUrls jump in the lake.

"She. was. disheveled. I've never seen anyone look like that." --CathyCat
DITTO COWLING.

IN A PIECE OF PERFECT EDITING, CathyCat's concerned voice over says, "She looked in such a horrible state, it makes me think: what about the gUrls?" right as the other gUrls roll back in screaming and celebrating. It was perfection. GET THESE PEOPLE AN EMMY.

The gUrls think Tierra is faking it. (How can you fake this?)

Sean, in giant basketball shorts, rolls in to check on Tierra and they giggle and giggle and Sean calls her out for managing to get one-on-one time with him via medical emergencies. DON'T HATE THE PLAYA, HATE THE GAME, SON.

NIGHT TIME PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesley gets some special time with Sean and she lets the world know, "I LOVE love!"

SoulSurfer is blinged out in a sequined tank top and she's ready to surprise Sean.

Weirdest surprise ever: she printed off some photos in black and white and showed Sean. THEN, SHE GAVE HIM THE PHOTOS. Too soon, baby gUrl. Too soon.

Hypothermia be damned! Nobody puts Tierra in a corner. She's going to that party.

"I'm crazy because I'm wearing heels." -- Tierra
Oh. No. That's not why you're crazy. 

The gUrls at the party are sitting around re-hashing their favorite Tierra moments. And then she walked in. SILENCE.

The shit hit the fan. But, really that's not a fan, it's a glacier-fed wind!

"Watch your back, we have a Tierra-or-ist on our hands." -- Lesley
I see what you did there!

Sean asks Tierra if she wants a proposal at the end of this "journey." She gives a weird answer about "smiling through the door," and is interrupted by Lindsay.

The second Lindsay sits down Sean tells her they can spend all of their kissing. If she wants. And that's what happened!

Sean gives Lesley the rose. She loves love and she loves Canada.

After the group date night party, Sean is ready to cut ties with SoulSurfer. He steals her away and takes her to another hotel room to "talk out how he's feeling."

Sean wanted it to work so badly, but it's not there. He appreciated the family photos, but you know. TOO SOON.

He doesn't want her to just sit around all day, so PACK YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE.

SoulSurfer heads back in, tears a flowin', and tells the gUrls she's headed home. This always happens to her. Always. This ain't her first rodeo.

"I don't want to be told how great I am." -- SoulSurfer
Oh. I do!!!!!!

SoulSurfer gets in the limo of pain and torture and heads back home minus love and approximately six family photos.

-----

One-on-one with Destinee time!!!!!!!!!!!

This is her second one-on-one, so gUrls be mad.

She wants to take the date card very literally. She doesn't want to be scared to fall in love.

Sean is wearing skinny jeans.

SEAN IS WEARING SKINNY JEANS.

Sean made Destinee climb up that mountain for a picnic. But! TWIST! The picnic is down below. (Sound familiar???????????? That's why he sent SoulSurfer home!!!! He's date recycling already!!!!!)

Sean is wearing skinny jeans.

Sean wants to show Destinee that if you commit to something, you can make anything work. This is a lie. A LIE. I was super (SUPER) committed to Calculus for Business Majors my sophomore year in college. I had a tutor two or three nights a week, I studied, I went to class. I was committed. I took one test and got a 41%. I dropped the class and switched majors.

Destinee sees this rappelling opportunity as a metaphor for relationships. BORED.

"I'm so glad she got to experience that." -- Sean
That just feels like a weird thing to say. 

I zoned out for a few, but somethingsomethingNOTGIVINGUPsomethingNOFEARsomethingsomethingKISSING.

"Are you a tree climber?" --Destinee
Is that a thing? It's not a thing.

So. Yeah, they climbed a tree and kissed. Felt very 'Hunger Games'.

Destinee is ready for the nighttime activities because she wants to tell him how she feels. They are putting Montana behind them and moving forward together in a teepee.

WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?

WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?

WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?

WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?
WHAT IS THAT SWEATER?

Sean asks Destinee if she hides her feelings when she's upset. She says, "YES, but! You can ask me anything." Sounds like a sad Facebook "about me" section.

Destinee tells Sean she used to live in a tent. She didn't have money growing up.

"I think that's why I'm so humble." -- Destinee
OOPSIES. You can't say that.

Growing up poor didn't hurt Destinee. She's not bitter. She just wants to have a house full of love (with a game room and two-car garage) and puppies! She also wants a man who is assertive.

Would an assertive man wear that sweater?

Sean gives Destinee the rose.

Why are they in a teepee again? Should I be offended for Native Americans? This is a touchy subject.

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lelsey is confident tonight. She has a rose and a sock bun!!!!!

Tierra is wearing a slip (like, what goes under a dress) and a fur pelt.

Sean, your suit is too much. Pick a style! You're all over the map.

Selma is no longer staying true to her mother's culture. Baby gUrl came to play. So did her cleavage.

Culture be damned! She's going to kiss him on television.

Selma kissed him and Sean said, "thank you."

Selma said she had to bring out the big guns tonight.
She means her breasts.

Lindsay and Sean go hang out on a wicker love seat and Lindsay says she is NOT going to kiss him. Sean is pissed. He gets un-pissed when ole Linds reveals that she sleeps naked. They kiss. Gosh, that gUrl is disciplined, right?

AshLee is still talking about that lake. It's a metaphor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gives him a scarf and tells him to blindfold her and it signifies something about vulnerability and imagining the future. SHIT IS GETTING WEIRD.

He blindfolds her and then instead of him letting her walk and trusting him to lead her somewhere, he picks her up, sits her on a chair and kisses her. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are only three roses to hand out. Chris explains the math. Five girls, three roses. TWO gUrls are going home!!!!!!!!!!! That's an American-educated man, y'all!

TIERRA GETS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heads are spinning. Tears. Sadness. Confusion.

Selma and Daniella are going home.

Selma abandoned her morals, her culture, her mother's hopes and dreams for this and now what?!
PTL she didn't jump in that lake.

Child of destinnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy!

Daniella is in complete shock. (Wait. Really?)

"It's tough to have your heart broken." -- Daniella
You didn't even go on a date! Oopsies!

Sean tells the gUrls that he's optimistic about where they are headed and that's to Saint Croix! He specifically tells them to pack their 'kinis.


-----

In the previews for next week we have: beaches, tears, linen shirts and bullshit.

the bachelor :: sean : epi 5.

And. Here we are on the brink of ABC's answer to the Super Bowl AND Puppy Bowl: 4 hours of BachSean and his "ladies." I haven't even started watching and I know it's going to quite possibly be the longest 4 hours of my whole entire life. My entire life. Longer than my high school graduation, longer than most football games, longer than a nap. LONG.

(If they had more puppies on here, I'd be down. HEY ABC, THAT IDEA IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!)

(I'd like to note that when I pressed 'info' on my remote it had a whole paragraph about "Seanhorsesmontanasomethingsomethingsomething HORSES" and then said, "ALSO: Drama erupts after the group date.") (They could've so much time by just saying, "Basically the same epi as last week, minus a gUrl, plus some horses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

-----

ChrissyPoo starts off the epi in the living room with the ladies. He's looking way casual with his untucked shirt. He speaks slowly and methodically while explaining the week to the ladies. Slowly. And. Methodically.

He then drops the news that the gUrls will be accompanying Sean, who's now a country boy (?), to Montana.

Sean's never been to Montana. He accurately describes the landscape to us, "Mountains, tall pine trees." THE DETAILS. THIS GUY IS ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS.

Sean is ready to rough it in his fitted henley and expensive brown boots. Anybody who flies into Montana and isn't wearing a fleece vest is not someone I want to go to Montana with.

The ladies arrive The Lodge (proper noun there, folks. It's the name of the place they are NOT camping.) and find the date card. Lindsay, the substitute teacher, gets the one-on-one date AND STARTS CRYING when she finds out the news.

AND THEN THEY GOT ON A HELICOPTER AND ACCORDING TO SEAN IT'S "THE MOST BAD ASS HELICOPTER EVER." He obviously hasn't seen 'Zero Dark Thirty'.

They are taking a ride over Glacier National Park and Lindsay is excited, but she's more excited to hold hands with Sean (PROBABLY BECAUSE SEAN'S PARENTS HOLD HANDS ALL THE TIME).

Lindsay claims to be "outdoorsy," but she is wearing a scarf. So, I think she's a liar.

"I'm feeling so blessed." -- Lindsay
You aren't blessed unless you tweet it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They don't last very long in the great outdoors. Sean takes her indoors to "go deeper."

Lindsay's dad is a Two-Star General in the military. (SO. BAD ASS.)

Sean asked for details about her life, but all they talked about was how she moved around a lot as a kid and then they just kissed a bunch.

The gUrls get the group date card and learn that Tierra and Jaclyn will be on the two-on-one date. Tierra is the first person in the history of this show to be excited about this.

Sean tells Lindsay that she's going to be an incredible wife (REALLY?) and gives her the rose. Sean has ONE MORE SURPRISE for her. The surprise is a gUrl singing. The singer has some terrible dance moves and I have no idea who she is. It's probably a really good career move on her part, but if someone was surprising me with a special concert: BRING A PIANO. And like, sing a song I don't have to Shazam.

Things got really classy when Sean picked Lindsay up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her dad served in Iraq, so he's probably really proud of his baby gUrl right now.

-----

IT'S GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Sean's already back-tracked on his earlier statement of, "Montana is probably the most gorgeous place I've ever seen," to, "Montana just might be one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to." Poor Montana! : (

Sean says he doesn't need an "outdoorsman" wife. That's probz good, because like, scarf, fur vest, leather jacket, $400 boots. No one has on a single item of clothing from REI.

Chrissy explains the group date competition to the ladies. He's wearing a sweater over a sweater.

Part of the competition is milking a goat, THEN DRINKING THE GOAT'S MILK.

We learn that the losers of this "competition" won't be hanging with Sean after the competition.

Somebody asked SoulSurfer IF SHE WANTED TO CANOE.
Just let that soak in for a second.

Chrissy gave the gUrls cool plaid shirts.

"Red team, milking a goat!" -- Chrissy
Probz my all-time favorite line ever said on this show. 

The red team wins.

Lesley is the most mad about this. This is evidenced by her statement of, "weak people piss me off."

"This sucks." -- Someone in the van
DITTO COWLING. 

Chrissy shows up to The Lodge and surprises the blue team with an invite to the party. Heads are going to roll.

There must've been some sort of miscommunication in what kind of party the blue team was invited to, because they reacted like they were heading to Sigma Chi formal in Kansas City or something. No! Just drAnks by a fire with Sean and a billion other gUrls. WORST PARTY EVER.

"Inviting us to the party shows such character." -- Daniella, about Sean
Well, no. Not really. 

Selma is way mad about the inclusion of the losers. So is Des. So is Robyn. WOMEN BE TRIPPIN'.

"A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with." -- Sean
Well, yes. It can. And it did. 

Then, Tierra shows up to surprise Sean.
Sometimes, surprises are sad.
: (

Tierra doesn't care what people think of her! She needs to see her man! Bitch be cray.

"She's having a hard time handling how this works." -- Sean
AND LIFE IN GENERAL, SEAN.

Destinee is MAD because she "worked her ass off" to win and then AshLee stole Sean away and she's convinced that Sean invited all of the gUrls back JUST TO SPEND TIME WITH HER. Delusional.

"I have a soul connection with you." --AshLee
TOO SOON. 

Sean wants to snuggle with Catherine.
You don't hear that everyday!
Probz goes back to his parents. His parents are probz way into snuggling.

Daniella went and creeped on Sean and Catherine and saw them snuggling and had a meltdown. MELT. DOWN. She figured out the premise of the show, then she cried. How do these gUrls not understand what's happening?????????????????????????

Sean gave Daniella the rose for being the first gUrl to accurately describe how the show works to the other gUrls.

-----

TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean wants to know if Jackie will be his BFF.
Not exactly what you want to hear on a date.

The band of three take off on a horseback ride and Jackie is quickly left in the dust.

"These horses are like, lovers." --Tierra
GROSS.

Jackie is wearing earrings the size of a hubcap. Like, a hubcap for a car.

During Jackie's one-on-one time with Sean she decides to tell Sean about Tierra being totes cray. She tells a story about Tierra saying another boy, other than Sean, was cute. Like, I mean. What. I can't.

It's time for dinner and Sean pulls Tierra aside.

"I get scared because I have the biggest heart." -- Tierra
MEDICAL CONDITION????????

Tierra tells Sean about her ex-boyfriend dying. Sad story, yes.

But, then she says she's scared of losing someone (Sean) she's close to. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING. These stories are not comparable. Someone died! Sean is probz just not going to give you a rose!

Sean has made up his mind about who he is giving the rose to and, being true to his heart, he goes with Tierra.

Jackie tells Sean to be careful with his heart before getting into the SUV that looks like a Suburban, but is actually THE SADDEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

Sean has arranged for some fireworks and Jackie can't even see them because she has her head buried in her hands deeper than the holler. She really missed out. The fireworks were cool!

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean gives a pre-game speech to the gUrls.

Destinee came to play tonight, as evidenced by her cleavage.
She's also figured out that Sean gives roses to the gUrls who cry and stuff. Then, I drifted off and quit paying attention for awhile, but I heard the word "confused" several times. JOIN THE CLUB, PEOPLE.

The ladies are discussing how sweet Jackie is in front of Tierra and just like a tornado of negative energy she pops up off the couch and heads off to sulk alone.

Robyn is sick of her. She's tired of it. She's going to nip this in the bud. Game's over!

Lesley has had enough as well.
Lesley makes a simple request of Tierra, "handle things like a normal human being."
If only it were that easy, baby gUrl. If only.

Tierra thinks it's ridiculous.

"This is pity bullshit." -- Tierra
Pity.
She means "petty," right?
Right?

Tierra's over it.

She's so over it that she tells the gUrls she can go get engaged if she wants to get engaged!!!!!!!!
Preach. Oh wait. What? You think boyz gonna be D2M (down to marry) after seeing this?

"She needs a Xanax." -- Des
Like, who doesn't?

Sean walked by and heard Tierra drop some F-bombs. He's not happy, so he takes her outside to sit on a giant wheel. She explains that the gUrls are attacking her. She's mostly upset because she's "not a drama gUrl." Say who?

Sean pulls Lesley aside and asks her what he needs to know about Tierra. Ole Lesley does a pretty good job of describing the situation to him, but he's an idiot and doesn't get it.

SeanBoy, her earrings say it all. Those earrings are drama.
Also, she said she would bite people.
BITE PEOPLE.
That's not a statement to just throw around!

People on bath salts bite people.

Chrissy sits SeanBoy down for a quick chat. He's transitioned from host to therapist. If I had a therapist that wore a tie like that AND had a pocket square I would not trust him. Also, he doesn't have a notepad. Therapists need notepads.

Sean still isn't understanding the Tierra situation. He's frustrated. No one has given him any evidence of Tierra being cray. So, I guess he's legally blind and deaf. Which, I think means he gets a tax break.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Destinee gets the final rose.
Robyn doesn't get a rose.
gUrls be sad.

Robyn gets into the Limo of sadness and despair and doesn't understand why Sean doesn't want her. She didn't even cry.

Sean stood outside and watched the limo drive away for like, WAY TOO LONG.

Finally. It's over.

-----

EPI BY THE NUMBERS
Times the word "drama" was said: 7,897
Times the word "drama" was said per second: EVERY SECOND

-----

The final 15 minutes of the show was a preview of tonight's epi and the rest of the season.

I saw somethingsomethingCRYINGHYPOTHERMIAsomethingsomethingELEPHANT.

So. Lots to look forward to, gang!

the bachelor :: sean : epi 4.

In a pretty shocking twist (spoiler alert!) we start off with Chrissy Poo in the living room giving the 'ladies' a little pep talk. He delivers the date card.

It was concerning that the producers chose to not show Sean working out in his blue shorts this episode. I had to wonder, "did he hurt him himself?" No! "Did the producers decide to quit recycling footage?" No!

In an attempt to reach to even lower depths, at the bottom of an already deep barrel, they showed Sean in his boxer briefs. So, at this point, his parents (HIS PERFECT PARENTS) are probably really proud. What God-fearing mother doesn't want their son and his junk on their 47' inch flat screen television in HD? Morals be damned!

During this shot, we're reminded that Sean just needs to focus his attention on relationships with each individual gUrl. He also started following them all on Instagram!

Selma gets the date card. Leslie H. cries. And it's an ugly cry. She wants Sean to see that she has a heart!!!!!!!! (Question: what did she do, that we missed, that may have caused Sean to think she doesn't have a heart?) (Possibility: it could be an actual medical condition?)

"I hope he's not making me do hot yoga." -- Selma
WELCOME TO MY LIFE. 
I can't imagine a date being over faster than if someone rolled up to my home and said, "It's time for some hot yoga!"

Selma is smooth. She somehow figured out how to work her weight into a conversation. I would too. IF I weighed 110 pounds.

Sean is tricking Selma. They aren't going somewhere glamorous. I hope it's somewhere that at least appreciates the lengths she went to, to show her cleavage in an appropriate way for a gUrl who can't legally (?) date in public (?).

Clearly, there were no flight-attendants on this flight. Selma relaxed the entire way and gave Sean the freedom to do nothing but stare down her shirt the entire time. Again. Smooth.

Sean says, "#nofilter. #soblessed."

Sean takes Selma to Joshua Tree National Park and they are the only people there. Sean's an "outdoorsy guy," he wants to "test" Selma. THIS ALL MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, PEOPLE.

Sean even packed a backpack. Selma DOES. NOT. DO. HEAT.

Sean's sunglasses are the least "outdoorsy" sunglasses I've ever seen on a man. He's not even wearing a croakie (a leash for sunglasses)!!!!!!!!!!!! They are going to fall off of his head!!!!!! Then what?!

Also, what outdoorsy man wears salmon colored board shorts to the desert?

He's also rock climbing in a pair of Chuck Taylor's?

He's like a damn ad for BASS PRO SHOPS.

They climb up the rock, grammar be damned, "you're doing good!" Selma complains a lot.

But, then. She says, "HE GAVE ME THIS ADRENALINE. AND THIS COURAGE."

It's like they were driving down the highway and Selma saw a tractor on top of a dog and she moved that tractor and saved that dog's life! Or. Someone at the top of that rock pulled Selma up the entire way and made Sean actually climb it.

We also learned that this was one of her fears and she conquered it. Sean is impressed. He doesn't want the day to end. He wants to go look at AirStream trailers!!!!!!!! Selma thinks they are going somewhere fancy! He's full of surprises! I'm telling you. THIS GUY!

They take a load off and settle down with some white wine.

Listen, I'm all for sitting down and being comfortable. But, the way these two were sitting made my neck ache. Selma must have a great chiropractor.

Sean tells us his SAD (SAD ASS) story about his one ex-gUrlfriend. He wasn't in a place to get married, but she mentioned marriage. So. They broke up. : (

Now, he is in a place to get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean wants to kiss. He's getting the vibe that Selma wants it, too. WRONG.

Selma starts dropping bombs (OVER BAGHDAD!!!!!!!!) and lets SeanBoy know that her mother would LITERALLY have a heart attack if they kissed on television.

Sean tells Selma he would like to kiss her. She says, "NO WAY." Then goes on a spree about her mother's culture and blahblahblah.

"We aren't allowed to date. Obviously, we're allowed to date." -- Selma
Nothing has ever been less obvious to me, Selma. And I pick up on a lot of context clues. 

She keeps calling it her mother's culture, but I think it might be her culture, too?

Can Sean date a Muslim-lady?
I have my doubts.

Doubts be damned! Selma gets the rose.

-----

GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean says the date is going to be INCREDIBLE. Spoiler! It's the exact opposite.

"I don't think having one arm is going to hold me back today." -- Soul Surfer
Normally, I would agree. 

THEY ARE PARTICIPATING IN ROLLER DERBY.

Every gUrl, but that tornado of negativity, Amanda, is terrified.

This whole segment lasts way too long.

Amanda told everyone that she's done this before. She knows how to psych-out her opponents. I got mad respect for that head-game she's playing!

Everyone is falling. And falling.
Sean is giggling. And giggling.

Soul Surfer is having some real problems. In a way that's real. And understandable. Roller-skating is all about balance and catching yourself when you fall because you lost your balance. She's not just skating on a regular surface either, it's got an incline!

It becomes a bigger deal than it should've.

But, she somehow keeps getting that hair in a ponytail, so she can do a lot of things I think she can't.

Doubts be damned! She's going to do it!

AMANDA FALLS AND GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.
SEAN CANCELS THE ROLLER DERBY.

COCKTAILS AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is wearing a blazer and something under a blazer. It's not a hoodie and it's not a vest.

Sean steals Soul Surfer away. He wants to let her know that he's SO PROUD of her. She's embarrassed. I have to wonder if she gets like this in her everyday life. I just don't think she does! But, I don't know.

Amanda returns. Sean is so happy. She appears to be okay.
Sean gives her a kiss on her jaw. She is disappointed.

HERE COMES THE DRAMA TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!
ALL ABOARD TO TIERRA-VILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robyn is pissed. She's so pissed she doesn't even put her red wine down during her interview!

Tierra is better than the other gUrls, but she's not too good for those earrings. I've only seen earrings like that on billboards by the airport for gentleman's clubs.

Tierra goes on the hunt for Sean. She starts crying. Then, she starts bawling. She's being tortured. I think she mentioned Dick Cheney, too?

Sean is off making out with the substitute teacher and gearing up for a jaunt in the hot tub, when Tierra, who, remember, is being tortured by HIGH SCHOOLERS, appears out of a dark corner!

The substitute has to go back to the other gUrls in nothing but her bikini.

Tierra tells Sean she can't do it any longer. It's too hard. It's seriously torture.

I WOULD LIKE TO BE WATER-BOARDED AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

Sean knows what she is going through. He's been through it. He knows it's worth it, if she's "had that moment." It's difficult, but think about that moment, gUrl! Think about it! It's this or going back to a life of waitressing at Applebee's and drinking champagne out of a Solo cup!

The music starts getting sexy.

Sean knows she likes him. He can tell.
She just wants his time.

AND SHE GOT THAT TIME BY ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE PSYCHO AND COMPARING THIS REALITY TELEVISION SHOW TO TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is Sean wearing under that jacket??????????????????????????

Tierra gets the rose.
Heads roll.

Sean wants to see where this goes. He's crazy about her.
I CAN TELL YOU WHERE THIS ENDS: A RESTRAINING ORDER AND POSSIBLY A DEAD DOG OR SOMETHING EVEN WORSE/WEIRDER. SHE'S BAT SHIT CRAZY (BSC).

-----

Sean sends Leslie H. some diamond earrings.

Sean picks Leslie H. up in a rented Maserati and they take off and are all giddy and screaming. They throw their hands up and are all, "IT'S A RENTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!"

And now, we can all see that train headed down the tracks. The whistling is blowing, the engine is steaming.

IT'S EVERY gUrl's 'PRETTY WOMAN' FANTASY DATE.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Quick recap of 'Pretty Woman': Julia Roberts is a hooker. Richard Gere is a businessman. He hires her for the week. He gives her cash to shop on Rodeo Drive. People know she's a hooker. She says, "Big mistake! Huge!" They get in a fight. She leaves. He finds her. She's still a hooker. He climbs up her fire escape with roses. They fall in love.

Key words in the story here: hooker. hires. hooker.

PAUSE: WHAT IS THAT VEST, SEAN? It must've taken you 30 minutes to button that up! How many buttons are on it?!

Sean thinks this is every woman's fantasy.
NO! SHE WAS A HOOKER. This is not a fairy tale!

SIDE NOTE:: The following come to mind as 'fairy tales': Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Princess Diaries, Kate Middleton's life, Grace Kelly's life, Gerald and Betty Ford's love story. ALL FAIRY TALES. To my knowledge, NO hookers are involved in any of those stories.

Sean takes Leslie H. to try on dresses. They are ugly dresses. Obviously.
She's taking advice from a guy in a vest and a plaid shirt.

Also, I think his belt has studs on it.
What is this, 'Sons of Anarchy'?

He's dressed like a knock-off Ken doll.

"I feel like I'm in 'Pretty Woman!'" -- Leslie H. 
YOU COULD GET ARRESTED FOR LIVING THAT LIFESTYLE. 
ARRESTED. 
YOU HAVE TO HAVE S-E-X WITH PEOPLE FOR MONEY. 

Sean then takes Leslie H. to Neil Lane. I used to have so much respect for Neil Lane.

Remember that scene in 'Pretty Woman' where Jason Alexander approaches Julia Roberts about becoming his hooker? SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM! She gets introduced to her "boyfriend's" friends and they want to sleep with her for money! Big mistake! Huge! Get me out of this polo match! I'm a hooker, but you better not treat me like one!

Sean takes Leslie H. to an abandoned building for dinner. Kind of like she's a hooker and they can't go out in public.

Sean tells Leslie H. she can keep the earrings. FORESHADOWING.

Sean says today is the most romantic date he could've ever dreamed up. I hope J.F. Lawton (he wrote 'Pretty Woman') isn't watching this!!!!! And Garry Marshall be damned!!!!!!! This was all Sean.

Sean wants to know more about Leslie H. She's scared to put her heart on the line.

Leslie H. tells a story about this guy she dated for 7 years in Florida. The story was the same story a lot of gUrls have, but she seemed like she was setting Sean up for a twist! I honestly thought she was going to say, "So, I grew up with this guy. We dated for 7 years. Then, he won the Heisman and we broke up." I really thought she was going to say Tim Tebow was her ex-boyfriend.

Nope. She just dated a guy that got married after they broke up.
That's it.

Leslie H. tells a story about her family. Sean has been "so blessed" by his family.
I AM SO OVER HIS FAMILY.
I love my family, too, Sean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UH-OH. Leslie's parents are divorced.
SEAN IS OUT.
LESLIE DOES NOT GET THE ROSE.

Leslie H. gets hustled into a Suburban and Sean makes the long, sad walk upstairs to listen to a guy play the guitar.

If I was Sean I'd go get a beer or something.

Instead, he goes to pick up the leftover rose and reflect on his decision.
He's having a few doubts. This decision doesn't feel good.

I mean, he rescued her from hooker-dom! He's her knight!

Hookers be damned!
Sean dropped that rose from the second floor and walked away.

Quick recap: Sean will date a Muslim, but not a gUrl with divorced parents.
PRIORITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tierra realizes that in order for her to continue on in this "journey," there need to be less gUrls involved. Four episodes in and she finally understands the premise of the show! Finally.

Sean greets the 'ladies' and tells them that if they have any questions about anything, they should ask.
I can only imagine the questions these idiots asked him!

"Sean, what's the longest your parents have ever held hands?"
"Sean, how often does your family group text?"
"Sean, does your family have any cool family traditions?"

Robyn embarrasses herself for the umpteenth time and says something about, "Do you want to taste the chocolate?" and then kisses Sean. I WAS HORRIFIED BY THIS.

So far: two one-on-one convos and two kisses.

Let's talk about Amanda's hair? Casual brunch in the front, Hurricane Andrew aftermath in the back.

"At the end of the day I'm not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head." -- Tierra
Say who?

Tierra pulls Jackie (WHO??????) and Robyn aside to "apologize." Robyn accepts her apology and her encouragement to "focus on yourself."

"I am too strong of a woman... to let high school pity stuff get in my way!" -- Tierra
She means, 'petty', right?
'Petty', not 'pity'?


Tierra sits down with Sean and she wants him to know that she HATES drama.
Side note to the men: When a gUrl actually says this, run! It's a red flag. gUrls who aren't dramatic, don't bring drama up. gUrls who are dramatic, want to not come off as dramatic and bring it up.

"I think you are your own worst enemy." -- Sean
AND EVERYONE ELSE'S, IDIOT. 

Sean says he won't be influenced by the other gUrls. He also says he realizes that Tierra requires more reassurance than any gUrl in the house and that's not a bad thing... he says.

Sean and Catherine (???????????????????????????????) are in love. When did this happen? This is the Vegan, right? What a waste! Vegan?!

gUrl, have you ever had a really good steak?
Read Genesis! We're supposed to eat cows!!!!!!!

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniella gets the final rose over Amanda, the tornado of negative energy.
Her hair has been in a tornado.

Her hair doesn't even look cute-messy-casual. It looks like she spent a really, really, really, really long night at the Fiji house and his now headed for a recap brunch somewhere. Somebody get this gUrl some over-sized sunglasses and a shack shirt!

"It's not fair. I feel stupid." -- Amanda
I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS.

What's not fair, Amanda? WHAT?

"Here's to the continued development of our relationships." -- Sean
IS THIS A BUSINESS DEAL?
I have said that at the end of professional e-mails before. 

OY VEY.

-----

This was, honestly, one of the hardest epis I've ever watched and recapped. I'm not encouraged by next week's previews either.

First off, TWO NIGHTS? It is my honest hope and prayer that each night is an hour-long episode. Four hours of this will force me to throw myself down a set of stairs, ala, Tierra.

Second, Tierra gets medical attention... AGAIN?

I am 29 years old.
In Sean's words, "I'm so blessed."
I've never received medical attention from paramedics.
And now, Tierra's receiving it twice in five epis?!

I can't.
I just.


I'm going to watch 'Pretty Woman' and dream a dream.

the bachelor :: sean : epi 3.

Here we are again! And...oh, look! Sean is working out. IN GIANT BLUE SHORTS. Just like last week. And the week before.

Does ABC know that I know that they are using the same footage over and over again? They have to know that I know. I am not your average viewer, ABC!

Chrissy Poo is at the house schlepping out advice to the ladies, "make the most of it."
MAKE THE MOST OF IT? Really?

I'd start off with, "Remember: your dad might be watching." That right there would get me to re-think just about everything I was doing on camera.

We find out that Lesley, the Arkansan, gets the one-on-one date. She's freaking out and she has REALLY LONG HAIR. The date card says, "how long will this love last?" My guess? Six weeks. My other guess? Until hometown dates, so. NOT THAT LONG. She's going to take him down Rogers Avenue in Fort Smith and he'll get one look at Central Mall and bolt. Not to mention, if she puts it on 93.7 (K-I-S-R) and that weirdo Fred is on the air? DONE-ZO.

The date is a yawner. Typical. Sean is a yawner.

They are at the Guinness Book of World Records (store? museum? arcade?) in Hollywood and really, Sean is just using this "adventure" as an excuse to show her a picture of his dad in front of a Suburban.

"She's fun to interact with." -- Sean, about Leslsey
I mean. Really?

We learn that Sean and Lesley are going to break the record (or attempt to break! spoiler!) for "longest on-screen kiss." The two talk about how nervous they are because of the "huge crowd" of people around, but when the camera pans out we see that it's not that many people. AND. That the majority of these people are definitely homeless and were definitely asked to come stand there by the producers.

ALSO: WAS CHRISSY POO WEARING A LEATHER VEST?

The kiss was kind of awkward, kind of normal and definitely made me nervous. I thought Lesley dress was going to creep up over her butt at any second and then she'd be breaking some other kind of record, I'm assuming. Luckily, that didn't happen.

It's time for the nighttime action! They are on a roof!

Sean starts with the really hard questions. Like, "what'd you do in high school?" She says she was in a lot of AP classes. Well. Everyone at that high school took AP classes. They took AP classes and made everyone uncomfortable by playing "Dixie" at sporting events.

Then, of course, she talked about how PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND AWESOME her parents are. And then. Again, it became a competition between who's parents hold hands longer at the Old Navy store on a Saturday morning after sharing a croissant from the local Panera Bread. YAWN.

Don't these people's parents ever get shit done? People who hold hands all the time don't get shit done.

Something about taking control and kissing.

Lesley gets the rose.

Confetti?

-----

GROUP DATE TIME AT THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!


"Sean, take off your shirt!" -- gUrls
The worst. 

Chrissy Poo comes to tell the ladies that playing volleyball on the beach is "something special."
Weird.

VOLLEYBALL!!!!!!!!!

I played junior high volleyball and I was on the A-team in 8th grade. So, I'm qualified to judge these people.

"This is literally my worst nightmare." -- Daniella
What do these people do day-to-day? I mean. THIS is your worst nightmare?
If I made a list right now of all of my "worst nightmares" I could list approximately 1,586,485 things before you saw "beach volleyball" listed anywhere. 

The winners of the beach volleyball game get to spend the evening with Sean. The losers go home.

I think Jim, Alexis' husband, from Real Housewives of Orange County is the referee. Can anyone confirm?

It's the worst game of volleyball I've ever seen in my life. And as you'll note: I sat through a lot of junior high volleyball. The only silver lining was that no one was there yelling, "Bump, set, spike it, that's the way we like it!" (SHOUT OUT, RHS LADY CYCLONES. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.)

"This is the most important game of my life..." -- Taryn
Suddenly, my life feels worthless. 
I should play more beach volleyball.

One team wins and the other team loses. There are tears. REAL TEARS. This reminds me a lot of my junior high career (CINDY WILLIAMS, ARE YOU OUT THERE?)

Sean takes the winners back to his pad. The losers go back to the PLACE WHERE LOSERS GO AND CRY and do just that: cry. Then, they talk about how exhausting the day was. AT THE BEACH. PLAYING. GALLIVANTING. 

"Oh my gosh. I am just like, so amazed by you." -- Lindsay
I swear I had this exact conversation with a boy on AOL IM once. 

Kissing.

"I feel very blessed." -- Desiree
I wish these people would look up the definition of that word.


Desiree meets up with Sean to talk about how good at volleyball she is. But, then she tells him that she has a "deeper" side. Like, she enjoys life AND the beauty of life. Dang. That is deep.

We learn about the next one-on-one date and also that a lot of these gUrls have not showered from the beach volleyball game.

Tierra PLAYS A REALLY CRUEL JOKE on the gUrls at the house and reads a name on the date that isn't actually on the date card! To clarify: she said a gUrl was going on a date, but the gUrl wasn't actually going on the date.

NO ONE thought it was funny.

Amanda, the tornado of negative energy, has a sit-down with Sean and she tells him that she would bring a "light, airy, fun atmosphere" to marriage. Can I be honest? That's a weird thing to bring to a marriage. I mean, that's not the first thing on my list of things to bring into a marriage. Sure, "fun" would make the list, but "airy"? This isn't a voicemail! It's marriage.

The other gUrls heard Amanda make this promise to Sean and they are not into it. They don't think she is light, airy or fun. Kacie B. is going to be a little selfish and bring it up to Sean.

"I feel like I've been punched in the face." -- Kacie B. 
ME TOO. 

Kacie B. says she's in the middle of Desiree and Amanda and she can't be herself. It's very odd. She didn't even really say anything. Something about being worried and being in the middle. Sean's more confused than I am.

"Don't act like this crazy person I'm seeing." --Sean
THAT IS REAL ADVICE, Y'ALL. 

"My plan is not working." -- Kacie B. 
gUrl, while we are discuss things that aren't working: burn that skirt. 

Lindsay gets the rose! Giggles.

"I look like a crazy person." -- Kacie B. 
Listen to me: YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON. 
And better not let anyone else tell you otherwise, gUrl!
You are bat shit crazy! Total BSC!

-----

Time for the one-on-one date! With AshLee!

But, oh no! Noises. Banging! Clatter!

Twas minutes before a one-on-date, when all through the house, 
Ladies were stirring, and mixing their dranks
Bikinis were hung on the balcony with care,
In hopes that Bachelor Sean soon would be there.

The ladies were chatting, some napping in beds, 
While visions of a wedding danced in their heads.

When suddenly, in the house, there arose such a clatter, 
gUrls came running to see what was the matter, 
THAT CRAZY ASS BITCH TIERRA FELL DOWN THE DAMN STAIRS. 

"Tierra took a big fall." -- AshLee

Right on cue, Sean arrives.

The ambulance arrives. She gets a neck brace and they put her on a stretcher.

"This is so stupid." --Tierra
NAILED IT.

The producers and medics want Tierra to go to the hospital. Sean wants her to go to the hospital. She says, "No! No! No!" And people, no means no. So. She doesn't go to the hospital and the one-on-date continues.

Sean is taking AshLee to Six Flags (which, come on, baby boy, you can't tell her to dress it down a little for that?). But, there's a twist! Two chronically ill children, who are best friends from the internetS, and LOVE this show are going to be joining them!

What a great way to see if someone has a heart of gold or just hates children: invite chronically ill kids on a date!

This was Sean's "idea," but he can't talk about it. He has to bring Jackie in. I think another twist should be that Jackie joins them, too, and if he decides he likes her she can come back to the house for the rose ceremony.

AshLee thinks this is just thrilling and sweet and that Sean is just soooooooooooo presh for doing this.

Get the Guinness Book out again! That gUrl has the longest hair of any chronically ill child on television ever.

Also. The two gUrls who are sick and joining them on the date are best friends that have never met. At this point, I was really hoping for some kind of "catfish" situation to happen here. Like, one of the teenage gUrls is actually a 35-year-old woman posing as a sick kid just to get on this show and win Sean's heart, but no.

Just two super cutie kids who've been dealt a tough hand.

Everyone is wearing a v-neck except AshLee. What a loser.

Sean and AshLee win some giant stuffed animals for the gUrls and the gUrls have no idea that they are going to have to carry-on those animals on the plane and that it's going to be super embarrassing.

Now, there's a special concert for just them and at this point, Sean's all, "y'all go over there and awkwardly dance together, I'll dance with her."

Then, they take some old-timey photos.

AshLee and Sean get some alone time and she tells Sean her story and it really is a sad and terrible and awful story. Sean even cries. AshLee gets the rose. They dance, they kiss. THIS COULD BE FOREVER, Y'ALL.

-----

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean knew this week was going to be tough for Soul Surfer, so he gets a limo for her dog and she gets some special time with Leo. HER DOG.

Normal.

Tierra tells Sean that her back hurts. Desiree interrupts. Tierra is pissed off. She deserves more. Tierra comes back for more, but Desiree is going to stay right where she is. Lesley has had enough. She goes to interrupt.

EVERYONE IS INTERRUPTING.

Desiree is still sitting on that bench. She cries.

Kacie B. has on a tennis dress. She needs to talk through everything with Sean. She's having a hard time. She's ready to move forward. Spoiler alert! Sean is not ready to move forward.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!

Sean pauses before handing out the roses and asks to see Kacie B. outside. He says he has too much respect for her to just leave her standing in that rose ceremony without a rose. SO. He's going to pull her aside, ALONE, and just put her in a mini-van and send her away FOREVER. I mean, what a sweetie! Not only that, he actually says, "we're better off as friends."

WHERE ARE KACIE'S FRIENDS? Y'ALL NEED TO STEP UP AND HELP A SISTER OUT.

Back to the ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Final rose!!!!!!!!

Desiree gets the final rose. Taryn and Kristy, the model, are headed home. But, remember: Kristy got a modeling job out of this! She's on the cover of a romance novel now! What gUrl doesn't dream that dream growing up?!

Taryn doesn't think she's sweet enough for him.
That's just a weird thing to think.

Kristy gets lost on the way out and wanders around before the producers finally throw her a bone and get her outside where she can just cry alone into her hands in the driveway, like all self-respecting women who get dumped!!!!

Finally.
It's over.

Until next week.

the bachelor :: sean : epi 2.

Here we are again, plunging into the depths of hell. 

First off, ABC, really? A shower scene? How embarrassing. It's just embarrassing.

Chrissy Poo states again, "probably our most sincere bachelor we've ever had on the show." Like, come on.

The first date card arrives and everyone is "so nervous." But, not as nervous as the gUrl with one arm who, SPOILER ALERT, is about to fall off a building.

HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is Kacie B. so shocked by the helicopter? That idiot rode in a helicopter with Ben and she's a young white gUrl, SHE'S SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE.

"This is probably the biggest dream come true of my life, so far." -- Sarah
: (
For real?! Get other dreams! 

"My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have." -- Sarah
TOO MUCH. 

THEN, SEAN CALLS HER LACK OF AN ARM, "AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM."

The helicopter lands on a skyscraper in downtown LA and I can only assume that Sean put Sarah's hair in a ponytail for her.

Sean lets Soul Surfer know that he brought her up there for a champagne toast, but! the champagne is on the ground! They are going to free-fall down. Sarah is confident she can do anything with Sean. She trusts him. BORED.

Soul Surfer says the only thing in the world she's scared of is jumping off of a building and she just squashed that. I'm scared of so many things, the producers would have a field day lining up all of those activities for me to overcome. Do you think they could simulate a tornado ripping the roof off of my home? Or how would they attempt to burn me alive while also drowning? What about having a foul ball hit me in the head at a baseball game? Things to think about!

Some story about Soul Surfer's dad telling her to find a guy to love with two arms so she can zip line.

"I do consider myself a man." -- Sean
CLARIFICATION.

"It's not about what our bodies look like." -- Soul Surfer.
Oh no... someone forgot to tell baby gUrl that ole boy used to be a fitness model.

We find out who's going on the group date. We get our first, "I'm not here to meet friends" declaration and the gloves are officially off.

Soul Surfer is looking for an adventurous guy, who WILL LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS, NO MATTER HOW MANY ARMS SHE HAS. Or doesn't have.

Sean gives her a rose. They kiss.

Soul Surfer has always imagined it like this and I have to believe she's demented at this point.

"I don't know how I got so lucky." -- Soul Surfer
YOU FILLED OUT AN APPLICATION. 

-----

GROUP DATE!!!!!!!!!

Sean and his 12 ladies gear up for a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel. KEEP IT CLASSY, ABC.

Every time Kacie B. does an interview I just get sad. She's better than this.

The Model saw the cameras and IMMEDIATELY KNEW that it was a photo shoot. And guys, she's a model, so this is her job. She wants to scream and she does.

Also, these gUrls are really excited about being involved in porn. That's odd.

Tierra is M-A-D that The Model has extensions. She's all nat-u-rale. Which, is probably true, but her hair looks greasy. So.

One of the gUrls, Catherine, tells us about the four groups, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." At this point, I'm confused-- sexy is a separate category. But, the cowgirls sure look like they are trying to be sexy. No one is fully-clothed. Basically, it's the least accurate description of anything ever.

WHAT'S 'HISTORICAL'?

Sean is digging Lesley. I'd like to call her something other than Lesley because I know that we've probably been to the same Chili's in Fort Smith, Arkansas. But, for now, it's just Lesley.

The Model is just ecstatic.
The vampires are weird.

Now, there's dancing?! Catherine didn't mention dancing! She clearly said, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." I AM LOST.

The Model, obviously, nailed the photo shoot.

Moms and dads everywhere are just so proud. 

The Model gets the three-book cover deal. Selma don't care! Tierra don't care! Sean got on a deep-v!

POOL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this the point in the blog where I can say that I'm honestly bored out of my mind? These idiots need to get Honey Boo-Boo up in herre (yeah, nailed that one) or sumpin'. If I wanted to be bored I'd go on dates with my friends while they describe their job to men they just met. 

The Model is still talking about being a model. If I talked about my job this much even my parents would tell me to get over it.

Leslsey, the Arkansan, pulls Sean aside and all of my fears kick in. gUrl, I've been through so much this year defending my state. Let's get back to the Clinton years here! She doesn't embarrass me, but she doesn't execute and Sean isn't able to kiss her. However, she did get to state that she is, in fact, there FOR LOVE. Then, she says she's a traditional southern gUrl and she needs him to make the first move (note: her high school mascot is a rebel, but I don't think she means she's a traditional southern gUrl because of that), but then she talks herself out of that garbage, finds him and kisses him.

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS. (note: my junior high mascot was a whirlwind.)

We have a drunk gUrl.

And here's Kacie B. Oh, she's met him before? Oh, she can't believe she's doing this again? OH, HER DRESS WAS MEANT TO BE A BABY'S T-SHIRT.

Sean, in no uncertain terms, tells Kacie B. that he thinks they are good friends. WAH-WAH. Oh, twist! He's going to transition and explore "whatever this is." I want to explore Kacie's hair. What happened there?

Something about a vegan making a beef joke.
Ain't no way in hell a dude from Texas can marry a vegan gUrl.
Might as well burn down the Alamo, while screaming, "FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT!"

gUrls be drankin' and they don't like Tierra sitting on the corner of the couch. I'm fine with her seating choice, but not with her top. Even if I was looking for a top like this, I literally would have no idea where to start. Maybe with typing, "weird fringe tank top" into Google.

Tierra's focus and intentions are on Sean. She's pursuing him and she's out of her comfort zone.

I'm almost certain I wore a top like that in a dance recital once.

We learn that Desiree is getting the second one-on-one date. Soul Surfer got some screen time, but there was no mention of her arm, so... I'm not sure what I am supposed to think here.

Now, we're really getting into the meaty stuff. gUrls are realizing that they are in a competition and that THEY HATE EACH OTHER.

This gUrl is "excessively uncomfortable." But, how does she think we feel?

She goes to Kacie B. for advice. Next thing we know, SHE'S TELLING SEAN SHE WANTS OUT! You know what I want? A DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENT. Baby gUrl is getting in that mini van and she ain't looking back.

Sean gives Kacie B. the rose because she put herself out there (see: shame, embarrassment, wants to be next Bachelorette) again.

"I'm like, seriously?" -- Tierra
ME TOO.

-----

It's time for the one-on-one with Desiree (I have an overwhelming desire to call her "Destiny"). We learn that they are going to attend an art show (is that a thing?) and while there, Sean is going to play a little pranksy on ole Desitny. OMG. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. He is so silly!

Destiny is loving it. She doesn't catch on at all to the fact that a $1.5 million piece of art's description plaque is a folded over piece of white paper with absolutely NO DESCRIPTION.

Sean leaves Destiny alone with the art gallery lady/actress and it gets weird. But, it also gets brilliant.

I know I have a unique sense of humor, but this gUrl NAILED this scene. If she improv'd it, even more kudos. I lost it.

"It's his response to the Chernobyl disaster. Each of those glass pieces is gathered from a stained-glass window from a church near Chernobyl." -- Actress gUrl
JUST BRILLIANT.

I am 100-percent sure that there are people reading this who have no idea what Chernobyl is/was and thatz okay. I'm sure I only love this because my dad has worked a nuclear power plant for basically my entire life and at the beginning of every school year we'd get a little packet of information on what to do in case there was an emergency at the plant. Every year I'd bring the packet home and every year my dad would say, "Hell, it ain't going to matter. If something happens we'll all be dead and I'll be the first to go." Funny? Maybe not, but still. I used to love bringing that up to my homeroom teacher every year. "Lady, we ain't getting on a bus to Morrillton Middle School (SHOUT OUT: E. FLEE BELL), we headed to the Pearly Gates!" That never went over well either. Anyway. 

So. Destiny is alone in this room, wandering around, sitting down, drinking wine and the Chernobyl thing falls over. She gets a little weird and even weirder when the photographer and artist come back in. This prank could've gone better if the photographer and artist were as good at acting as the earlier gUrl was. The artist tries to cry and Sean feels bad, so he goes in to "save her." Honestly, BORING. Go back and read my story about nuclear disasters again, that's more entertaining.

Sean says, "since she took it so well, I'm going to take her back to my place." Like, if she took it horribly wrong he was going to leave her there to have a one-on-one tutorial about Chernobyl.

They head back to the BachPad and Sean launches into his whole family spiel for the MILLIONTH TIME. They are perfect, they are in love, they love him, HE LOVES HIS FAMILY.

Destiny is going toe-to-toe with him on family descriptions. SUDDENLY, IT'S A COMPETITION ABOUT WHO'S PARENTS LOVE EACH OTHER MORE.

BORED. 

Find me a bachelor who will come on here and say, "I GOT A FAMILY, BUT I'M LOOKING TO GET SOME." gUrls would still go for it. They go for everything. gUrls are so stupid.

"Love and marriage go hand-in-hand." -- Sean
OH.

"If you love someone, you think about the future." -- Destiny
KILL ME.

These two are made for each other. Get 'em a Golden Retriever already.


-----

COCKTAIL PARTY PRE-ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is becoming more real." -- Catherine
Still on television. Call me when you have to combine your health insurance. 

Sean tells us up front that he thinks he knows who he is going to send home. I'd like to send myself home.

Sean is having incredible conversations left and right. He's confused. ALL OF THE gUrls HAVE THE QUALITIES. THE QUALITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"We all want the same kind of attention." -- Destiny
Daddy issues. 

At this point, we begin to focus our attention on Amanda. She's a tornado of negativity, but never says a word to anyone. I think she's pouting because she didn't have a chance to take a shower and wash her hair.

NOW, the producers really step up their game and get someone to mention something about "Sean's type." Robyn, a non-white gUrl, wants to make sure he's attracted to her.

I thought this was going to be much weirder than it was. Sean pretty much nailed it. I think I believe him. I also think he's had a few beers. But, really. I think I believe him. He was way too quick with his answer to be uncomfortable.

However. He went next level.

"I've dated everybody." -- Sean
Oh. Everybody? EVERYBODY? I hope ole boy has been tested. 

He also said his last gUrlfriend was black, but I thought he's only had like, one or two gUrlfriends in his whole entire life.

CURVEBALL. Selma is Arabic.

Sean calls Amanda into his arms and she really perks up. Eyes roll so far back into gUrls' heads you'd think they were seizin'.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is willing to ride a roller coaster to find his wife.
That's touching.

Amanda gets the final rose of the evening.
LADIES. BE. MAD.

Ole gUrl and other ole gUrl didn't get roses.

"I'm ready to find love. I'm ready to make memories. I was excited about love, but love just wasn't here. It wasn't." -- ole gUrl
Nailed it. 

"You don't have a lot of free-time when you're a single mom..." -- other ole gUrl
AND YOU JUST WASTED 2 YEARS WORTH OF FREE-TIME DOING THIS. 

Neither one of these gUrls cried. I can't believe it! It's a miracle!

-----

It looks like we figure out next week if someone gets murdered or not murdered.
Pins and needles.

the bachelor :: sean : epi 1.

I'd like to dedicate this post to my dear friend and Bachelor super-fan, Miss Brenda Marr. She celebrated her birthday by watching two hours of this bullshit with her 26 closest "ladies." 

Brenda always gets a rose in my book. 

-----
And. Here we are again.

After a 27-minute preview, where it's very unclear if someone is murdered or not murdered, we're promised the most exciting season of the Bachelor ever. Sean does some sprints in his BachPad side yard and has a FaceTime sesh with his sister, all shirtless, while doing a voice over explaining his "feelings feeling more real."

Sean talks and talks about his great life, but does so while sad (SAD ASS) music is playing. It makes it seem like him hanging out with his family and his niece and nephew is actually the life of one of those dogs on an ASPCA commercial. His life is almost identical to my life-- single, with friends and family to boot, and sometimes the 5th wheel at events. THE TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!! The pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously, the pinnacle of this segment is Sean climbing up a rock while saying, "I want to love her... I want to be the best man I can be for her... I want to be that rock." The editing gods are going to be with us this season.

-----
Ari shows up to the BachPad and they pour two cold domestics-- COLORADO KOOL-AID. Tap the rockies, dudes!!!!!! If that was honestly their beer of choice, kudos. But, also: WHY.

This whole segment was pretty silly (SOOOOOOO SILLY) and was Ari's gateway back into the spotlight. He did some coaching, they did some gigglin'.

Frands!!!!!!

-----
Herrrrrrrrrre's Chrissy Poo. He starts off by wishing me (and a bunch of other white ladies, I'm guessing) a "Happy New Year, everybody!" What a lil' sweetie. His tie color is IDENTICAL to his suit. Right?

-----
Desiree sells dresses.
Bonus! She draws dresses, too!

"Some people can live without love and be fine for their whole life, but I'm the opposite." -- Tierra
I think that that statement offends me.

Upon Tierra finding out the Bachelor is Sean, she screams, "HE IS FAMILY-ORIENTED!!!!!!" Like every man she's ever met has shunned families and declared himself NOT family-oriented. Who has she been trying to date?

We meet a one-armed graphic designer from LA. She seems sweet and I should note that none of my observations have anything to do with her lack of an arm.

Her goal for her most recent print campaign is to "stand out in culture." Oy vey. I don't think she's a real designer.

Ashley's still single, actively searching for a boyfriend and is STILL single. Could be because of her creepy obsession with "50 Shades of Grey." I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

Next up, we meet Lesley. She's from Arkansas and the fact that she states it straight out of the gate made my eyes well up with tears. If she does anything to embarrass me or my place of origin anymore than I've already been embarrassed by my football team this year I'll probably need to be institutionalized. Dramatic.

Kristy is a model and "it's just crazy." Mostly, her hair is crazy.

And here comes AshLee, the professional organizer. Listen, sad story, yes. Hate that she had to grow up like that. BUT, WHO IN THE HELL SPELLED HER NAME LIKE THAT? I DON'T THINK IT'S EVEN LEGAL.

This gUrl must be pretty driven because anyone who can take a compulsive disorder and turn it into a career is determined! Like, is there a way I could take my compulsive disorder to arrive everywhere minutes and minutes early (at the sake of many relationships) and get paid for it? Is that just a taxi driver? Or more of everyone's least favorite friend to travel with? Whatever. Call me LauRen.

-----
It's finally limo arrival time!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee is the first one out and she says to Sean, "Don't be nervous,  you'll do great." Like, great at what? Standing there? Smiling?

Jackie puts a scary amount of red lipstick on Sean's cheek and Selma removes it quickly. I'm assuming Jackie discussed her plan in the limo and Selma mischievously stuffed that kleenex into her dress and thought, "BINGO!"

Kelly, the cruise ship entertainer, from Nashville, wrote Sean a song and she sang it to him. : (

Ashley asks Sean if he's read any good books lately. Sean says he has, but then never mentions any of the titles. So. I don't know if he's actually read any books or not. But, to be fair, I think he was really distracted by the sex toy/tie ole gUrl pulled out of her bosom.

Taryn is up next and she starts the onslaught of gUrls who forget to tell Sean their names. : (
I forget to tell people a lot of things when I first meet them.
My name is never one of them.

REAL QUESTION: DOES SEARS SELL ADULT PROM DRESSES?
ARE THEY UNDER THE CATEGORY 'ADULT PROM' OR SOMETHING MORE SIMPLE LIKE, 'CRUISE SHIP READY-WEAR'?

Poor precious Robyn, the oilfield account manager, desperate to escape the dregs of the engineering dating scene, pulls off the world's worst version of Gabby Douglas (other than if I tried this feat) and falls after her second back bend? Flip? Cartwheel? Double-axle? Sean looks mortified and giggles.

Paige was on Bachelor Pad 3. RUN, SEAN. RUN. Meeting someone who was on Bachelor Pad is like meeting someone who was born in a strip club on a poker table while drugs were being sold and they stayed as long as possible for the "great atmosphere." RUN.

Tierra arrives and I missed something. She gives him a really long hug and tells him about a heart tattoo on her finger before he leaves to get a rose. I went back and watched this scene thrice. Still, no idea what happened. He was just super into that tattoo that looked a lot like Jane Seymour's jewelry design she's always schlepping on ESPN during football games.

"She had this energy about her that was contagious and you can't really put your finger on why..." -- Sean, about Tierra, the gUrl with the tattoo on her FINGER
Oh, internetS, please tell me he just absolutely NAILED that joke and said it on purpose.

Tierra takes the rose and marches into the Lion's Den. Seriously. Book of Daniel up on my TV right now!

Amanda rolls in and has an awkward moment with Sean.

Keriann says she drove 2,775 miles to meet Sean. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Surely ABC pays for these people's flights?!

"Is this how you always imagined falling in love?" -- Sarah
"No."
"Really? This is how I always imagined it."
GO BIG OR GO HOME. 

Lesley brings a football and says, "Blue 32!" over and over again.

The model arrives and her hair is CRAY. She delivers two very canned lines.

"Hi, Ken. I'm Barbie." -- Ashley H. 
Kill me.

Then, that gUrl shows up in a wedding dress and kisses Sean. How does this happen? Do you just go to David's Bridal on a Saturday and when they start asking a lot of questions about the wedding details you just lie or tell the truth and look like a total psycho? If you're catching what I'm throwing, she kind of seems psycho either way.

KACIE B. IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Poor thing. I just don't understand this gUrl.
She seems real sweet and nice and most importantly, like she grew up in a stable, loving home, BUT THIS? THIS? She ASKS to go on this show again?

I'm officially putting out an APB for all of this gUrl's friends. Like, step up! Stop her from doing this.

-----
Desiree doesn't think it's "fair at all" that Kacie B. is back. Like, really? That's your argument? That it's not fair? WHAT IS LIFE? WHAT. IS. LIFE.

"As crazy as it sounds, I would love to find my wife in this group of ladies." -- Sean
YES, it sounds crazy. 
First off, yet another man who doesn't know the definition of the word "lady" and second, IT'S A TELEVISION SHOW. 

So. Kacie B. has a crush on Sean. That's why she uprooted her life again. For a crush.

Sean's just handing out roses left and right. Heads are rolling.

-----
gUrls are getting roses and other gUrls keep repeating, "I have no idea what's going on." Like, WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHTS IN AMERICA.

The gUrls with the roses start dissecting why each of them got a rose. To say it's catty would be the understatement of the Millennium.

Finally, we learn that Sean is handing out roses to gUrls with "great energy."

"Honestly, I wish I was more sober." -- Lindsay, the idiot in the wedding dress
Too easy.

The party is dying inside.

Not skipping even half a beat, Ashley asks, "Do we need me to start dancing?"
In my opinion, anytime this question is asked, by anyone, the answer is ALWAYS (ALWAYS), "YES!"

Unfortunately, no one answered her and she still did it. Not a win.

Finally, she gets her moment with Sean. She pulls the tie from her dress and Sean says he brought a rape whistle with him. Not to be an ass, but I don't think dudes should make rape jokes. On any level. JUST SAYING!!!!!!

Then, poor ole gUrl fell down the stair. Not stairS. Stair. She fell down ONE stair.

-----
TEARS. We got 'em.

I feel bad about Sarah's speech and her one arm. She says she strong and confident, but has convinced herself that she's still single because she lacks an arm. gUrl, COME. ON. I don't think she really believes that. I mean, she's pretty, she has great hair and make-up (as in, I have two arms and can't do my hair or make-up well), and she's not wearing a floor length dress like she's going to a junior high dance in South Dakota. She has long adjusted to her situation. I'm calling her SOUL SURFER from here on out.

I have no idea what it's like to live with a disability in any way. But, I am 29 and single and I could go on and on and on about "why I'm still single." I guarantee you I am not single for any of the reasons I think I am single. Just like this gUrl.

Also, her disability (even though she doesn't like to call it that) does not mean she gets to be spared from my commentary. I did not ask her to come on the show and be subject to my wrath. She volunteered.

-----
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sean is the most sincere bachelor we've ever had on this show." -- Chrissy Poo
OH. IF THAT'S NOT A SLAP IN THE FACE TO THE LAST 12 YEARS OF OUR LIVES.

SORRY, EVERY OTHER JACKASS WE'VE EVER CLAIMED WAS GREAT ENOUGH TO FILM A SEASON AROUND.

Ole boy has already handed out 12 roses.

"Twelve of you have roses, nothing to worry about." -- Chrissy Poo
Too bad you other bitches have to endure the tragedy that is this rose ceremony!
That Chris is a real sweetheart at times. 

Kacie B. gets a rose. Sigh of relief.

The look of terror on these gUrls' faces when, "Ladies, this is the final rose," is announced is insane.
I felt like I was watching a bunch of third graders listen to a lecture on IRS tax codes.

The final rose is handed out. And with with it: HEARTACHE.

Paige is really sad. She's failed miserably at the Bachelor Pad and now at this.
REAL QUESTION: HOW DO YOU BECOME A JUMBOTRON OPERATOR?

"This is the most embarrassing thing ever." -- Kelly
WRITE A BOOK, gUrl. Write a book.

"It's been years since I've been in love. I miss it." -- Ashley H. 
WAIT. WHAT.

Then she said, "devastation."
We need to get these gUrls a dictionary!

-----
Admittedly, I didn't watch the previews for the rest of the season.

It's just all so sad.
So sad.