First off, ABC, really? A shower scene? How embarrassing. It's just embarrassing.
Chrissy Poo states again, "probably our most sincere bachelor we've ever had on the show." Like, come on.
The first date card arrives and everyone is "so nervous." But, not as nervous as the gUrl with one arm who, SPOILER ALERT, is about to fall off a building.
Why is Kacie B. so shocked by the helicopter? That idiot rode in a helicopter with Ben and she's a young white gUrl, SHE'S SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE.
"This is probably the biggest dream come true of my life, so far." -- Sarah
For real?! Get other dreams!
"My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have." -- Sarah
THEN, SEAN CALLS HER LACK OF AN ARM, "AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM."
The helicopter lands on a skyscraper in downtown LA and I can only assume that Sean put Sarah's hair in a ponytail for her.
Sean lets Soul Surfer know that he brought her up there for a champagne toast, but! the champagne is on the ground! They are going to free-fall down. Sarah is confident she can do anything with Sean. She trusts him. BORED.
Soul Surfer says the only thing in the world she's scared of is jumping off of a building and she just squashed that. I'm scared of so many things, the producers would have a field day lining up all of those activities for me to overcome. Do you think they could simulate a tornado ripping the roof off of my home? Or how would they attempt to burn me alive while also drowning? What about having a foul ball hit me in the head at a baseball game? Things to think about!
Some story about Soul Surfer's dad telling her to find a guy to love with two arms so she can zip line.
"I do consider myself a man." -- Sean
"It's not about what our bodies look like." -- Soul Surfer.
Oh no... someone forgot to tell baby gUrl that ole boy used to be a fitness model.
We find out who's going on the group date. We get our first, "I'm not here to meet friends" declaration and the gloves are officially off.
Soul Surfer is looking for an adventurous guy, who WILL LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS, NO MATTER HOW MANY ARMS SHE HAS. Or doesn't have.
Sean gives her a rose. They kiss.
Soul Surfer has always imagined it like this and I have to believe she's demented at this point.
"I don't know how I got so lucky." -- Soul Surfer
YOU FILLED OUT AN APPLICATION.
Sean and his 12 ladies gear up for a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel. KEEP IT CLASSY, ABC.
Every time Kacie B. does an interview I just get sad. She's better than this.
The Model saw the cameras and IMMEDIATELY KNEW that it was a photo shoot. And guys, she's a model, so this is her job. She wants to scream and she does.
Also, these gUrls are really excited about being involved in porn. That's odd.
Tierra is M-A-D that The Model has extensions. She's all nat-u-rale. Which, is probably true, but her hair looks greasy. So.
One of the gUrls, Catherine, tells us about the four groups, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." At this point, I'm confused-- sexy is a separate category. But, the cowgirls sure look like they are trying to be sexy. No one is fully-clothed. Basically, it's the least accurate description of anything ever.
Sean is digging Lesley. I'd like to call her something other than Lesley because I know that we've probably been to the same Chili's in Fort Smith, Arkansas. But, for now, it's just Lesley.
The Model is just ecstatic.
The vampires are weird.
Now, there's dancing?! Catherine didn't mention dancing! She clearly said, "cowgirls, vampires, sexy and historical." I AM LOST.
The Model, obviously, nailed the photo shoot.
Moms and dads everywhere are just so proud.
The Model gets the three-book cover deal. Selma don't care! Tierra don't care! Sean got on a deep-v!
POOL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this the point in the blog where I can say that I'm honestly bored out of my mind? These idiots need to get Honey Boo-Boo up in herre (yeah, nailed that one) or sumpin'. If I wanted to be bored I'd go on dates with my friends while they describe their job to men they just met.
The Model is still talking about being a model. If I talked about my job this much even my parents would tell me to get over it.
Leslsey, the Arkansan, pulls Sean aside and all of my fears kick in. gUrl, I've been through so much this year defending my state. Let's get back to the Clinton years here! She doesn't embarrass me, but she doesn't execute and Sean isn't able to kiss her. However, she did get to state that she is, in fact, there FOR LOVE. Then, she says she's a traditional southern gUrl and she needs him to make the first move (note: her high school mascot is a rebel, but I don't think she means she's a traditional southern gUrl because of that), but then she talks herself out of that garbage, finds him and kisses him.
IT WAS A WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS. (note: my junior high mascot was a whirlwind.)
We have a drunk gUrl.
And here's Kacie B. Oh, she's met him before? Oh, she can't believe she's doing this again? OH, HER DRESS WAS MEANT TO BE A BABY'S T-SHIRT.
Sean, in no uncertain terms, tells Kacie B. that he thinks they are good friends. WAH-WAH. Oh, twist! He's going to transition and explore "whatever this is." I want to explore Kacie's hair. What happened there?
Something about a vegan making a beef joke.
Ain't no way in hell a dude from Texas can marry a vegan gUrl.
Might as well burn down the Alamo, while screaming, "FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT!"
gUrls be drankin' and they don't like Tierra sitting on the corner of the couch. I'm fine with her seating choice, but not with her top. Even if I was looking for a top like this, I literally would have no idea where to start. Maybe with typing, "weird fringe tank top" into Google.
Tierra's focus and intentions are on Sean. She's pursuing him and she's out of her comfort zone.
I'm almost certain I wore a top like that in a dance recital once.
We learn that Desiree is getting the second one-on-one date. Soul Surfer got some screen time, but there was no mention of her arm, so... I'm not sure what I am supposed to think here.
Now, we're really getting into the meaty stuff. gUrls are realizing that they are in a competition and that THEY HATE EACH OTHER.
This gUrl is "excessively uncomfortable." But, how does she think we feel?
She goes to Kacie B. for advice. Next thing we know, SHE'S TELLING SEAN SHE WANTS OUT! You know what I want? A DEEP CONDITIONING TREATMENT. Baby gUrl is getting in that mini van and she ain't looking back.
Sean gives Kacie B. the rose because she put herself out there (see: shame, embarrassment, wants to be next Bachelorette) again.
"I'm like, seriously?" -- Tierra
It's time for the one-on-one with Desiree (I have an overwhelming desire to call her "Destiny"). We learn that they are going to attend an art show (is that a thing?) and while there, Sean is going to play a little pranksy on ole Desitny. OMG. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. He is so silly!
Destiny is loving it. She doesn't catch on at all to the fact that a $1.5 million piece of art's description plaque is a folded over piece of white paper with absolutely NO DESCRIPTION.
Sean leaves Destiny alone with the art gallery lady/actress and it gets weird. But, it also gets brilliant.
I know I have a unique sense of humor, but this gUrl NAILED this scene. If she improv'd it, even more kudos. I lost it.
"It's his response to the Chernobyl disaster. Each of those glass pieces is gathered from a stained-glass window from a church near Chernobyl." -- Actress gUrl
I am 100-percent sure that there are people reading this who have no idea what Chernobyl is/was and thatz okay. I'm sure I only love this because my dad has worked a nuclear power plant for basically my entire life and at the beginning of every school year we'd get a little packet of information on what to do in case there was an emergency at the plant. Every year I'd bring the packet home and every year my dad would say, "Hell, it ain't going to matter. If something happens we'll all be dead and I'll be the first to go." Funny? Maybe not, but still. I used to love bringing that up to my homeroom teacher every year. "Lady, we ain't getting on a bus to Morrillton Middle School (SHOUT OUT: E. FLEE BELL), we headed to the Pearly Gates!" That never went over well either. Anyway.
So. Destiny is alone in this room, wandering around, sitting down, drinking wine and the Chernobyl thing falls over. She gets a little weird and even weirder when the photographer and artist come back in. This prank could've gone better if the photographer and artist were as good at acting as the earlier gUrl was. The artist tries to cry and Sean feels bad, so he goes in to "save her." Honestly, BORING. Go back and read my story about nuclear disasters again, that's more entertaining.
Sean says, "since she took it so well, I'm going to take her back to my place." Like, if she took it horribly wrong he was going to leave her there to have a one-on-one tutorial about Chernobyl.
They head back to the BachPad and Sean launches into his whole family spiel for the MILLIONTH TIME. They are perfect, they are in love, they love him, HE LOVES HIS FAMILY.
Destiny is going toe-to-toe with him on family descriptions. SUDDENLY, IT'S A COMPETITION ABOUT WHO'S PARENTS LOVE EACH OTHER MORE.
Find me a bachelor who will come on here and say, "I GOT A FAMILY, BUT I'M LOOKING TO GET SOME." gUrls would still go for it. They go for everything. gUrls are so stupid.
"Love and marriage go hand-in-hand." -- Sean
"If you love someone, you think about the future." -- Destiny
These two are made for each other. Get 'em a Golden Retriever already.
COCKTAIL PARTY PRE-ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This is becoming more real." -- Catherine
Still on television. Call me when you have to combine your health insurance.
Sean tells us up front that he thinks he knows who he is going to send home. I'd like to send myself home.
Sean is having incredible conversations left and right. He's confused. ALL OF THE gUrls HAVE THE QUALITIES. THE QUALITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"We all want the same kind of attention." -- Destiny
At this point, we begin to focus our attention on Amanda. She's a tornado of negativity, but never says a word to anyone. I think she's pouting because she didn't have a chance to take a shower and wash her hair.
NOW, the producers really step up their game and get someone to mention something about "Sean's type." Robyn, a non-white gUrl, wants to make sure he's attracted to her.
I thought this was going to be much weirder than it was. Sean pretty much nailed it. I think I believe him. I also think he's had a few beers. But, really. I think I believe him. He was way too quick with his answer to be uncomfortable.
However. He went next level.
"I've dated everybody." -- Sean
Oh. Everybody? EVERYBODY? I hope ole boy has been tested.
He also said his last gUrlfriend was black, but I thought he's only had like, one or two gUrlfriends in his whole entire life.
CURVEBALL. Selma is Arabic.
Sean calls Amanda into his arms and she really perks up. Eyes roll so far back into gUrls' heads you'd think they were seizin'.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sean is willing to ride a roller coaster to find his wife.
Amanda gets the final rose of the evening.
LADIES. BE. MAD.
Ole gUrl and other ole gUrl didn't get roses.
"I'm ready to find love. I'm ready to make memories. I was excited about love, but love just wasn't here. It wasn't." -- ole gUrl
"You don't have a lot of free-time when you're a single mom..." -- other ole gUrl
AND YOU JUST WASTED 2 YEARS WORTH OF FREE-TIME DOING THIS.
Neither one of these gUrls cried. I can't believe it! It's a miracle!
It looks like we figure out next week if someone gets murdered or not murdered.
Pins and needles.
Admittedly, I stopped watching the bachelor after the whole Jason/Molly/Melissa debacle.... But I feel as though I am still part of the greater family after reading your minutes. I look forward to this, EVERY WEEK.
IT DIDN'T WORK!
"Tacky hos are a dime a dozen." Favorite quote from epi 2. Truer words...
Haaa...I LOVE your recaps!!! Keep 'em coming!! I was so happy to see frizzy head yoga teacher go home. My eyes couldn't handle that assault every week.
thank you for posting about the bachelor every week. i love reading what you have to say, and i think you do an awesome job. Also, I randomly found these on Etsy and the first person I thought of was you!? I know that sounds creepy, but thought you should at least check them out. Thanks for making so many of us laugh every week!
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