Tuesday, February 12, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 7.

And so here we are. St. Croix.
It's no Canada, eh, Sean?

"We are in one of the most beautiful TROPICAL places in the world." -- Sean, about St. Croix
So. In comparison to other tropical places we know where this one fits. 

Sean wanted to "break the rules" and fly in a seaplane with all the gUrls!!!!!!!!!! And that's exactly what he did.

The gUrls "explore" the hotel by walking out on the balcony and screaming.

Then, they sit outside and talk about all the activities they could do on the island. Pretty sure at one point I heard someone just say, "boat!" As in, a boat is an activity.


Sean arrives for the one-on-one date and he borrowed his PERFECT dad's linen shirt. He makes AshLee swim about half a mile to the boat they are going to take to a private island. (Someone has to say it: SoulSurfer couldn't go on this date.)

AshLee's never had someone make her swim to a boat before. Because she's adopted.

Sean gets AshLee to a private island and immediately asks about the "drama." I think AshLee even called Tierra "pouty pants." POUTY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They get up and run around and then, suddenly! They are both laying down, rolling in the sand! (Rolling in the sand! You're gonna wish you, never had met me, rolling in the sand, WE COULD'VE HAD IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!)

 Oh, the places sand will end up! Crevices. Baby gUrl's gonna have a long night ahead of her.

Sean has a very romantic ocean side dinner planned for AshLee. By planning he means he saw it on the Bachelor a few seasons ago.

Sean asks if there's anything AshLee hasn't covered with him. She starts to cry and says, "there is one more thing!" She wants it to be breezy (Breezy! I'm breezy!). Just gonna breeze through it.

AshLee lets Sean know that she got married at 17. Married. at. 17. What high school boy marries someone who isn't preg? Bold move!

Sean's pretty unaffected by the news and thinks she's perfect the way she is. I mean, I agree that that's not like, a major issue, but... you should probably ask some more questions! Kind of a young age to make that kind of decision.

SomethingsomethingHELLOSTCROIXsomethingsomethingILOVESEANkissingkissing. Bad music.

Sean says he has no questions at this point. Say who! I think more than anyone, AshLee, needs to engage in some pre-marriage counseling. Just saying. So, I hope he does ask one or two more questions. At least!


Sean managed to find another linen shirt for his date with Tierra. He DOES have a question or 12 for her. Sean brought a TOTE on their date.


Shopping is one of Tierra's favorite things to do and she especially loves shopping with Sean. He bought her a bracelet from what I'm assuming is the Claire's of St. Croix.

There's a parade, so Tierra dances in the middle of it. Because that's what you do when there's a parade. You just walk in the middle of it. REAL SAFE.

[Back at the hotel: AshLee tells the other gUrls that she told Sean all of the terrible things that they don't like about Tierra. The top complaint? SHE DOESN'T SAY GOOD MORNING.]

All of that dancing in the street led to a snocone on the steps, followed by a hard conversation. Tierra tells Sean she wouldn't change anything she's done. Which, to me means, she isn't regretting her decision to wear wedges while spending an entire day walking around a town with cobblestone streets.

It's time for dinner! Sean just asked the producers to leave the set-up from the night before by the beach to make it easier on everyone. But, they opted to move it to a sugar mill.

Sean classed it up with some plaid shorts.

Tierra feels distant from Sean and she feels behind "in the game." I'm not a genius, but I don't know that you should call it a game in front of the dude. Maybe in interviews and stuff, but not at your dinner date, gUrl! Come on! To play the game, you gotta play the game.

Tierra's not going to let any bus come between her and her man. She tells Sean that she's "falling" for him. Like, duh? OH. She means falling in love. (OR FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.)

Sean reveals that he thinks she's a "sweet person" and hopefully after this week he can deliver her from living with the other gUrls. What a knight!


We're 42 minutes in AND THIS IS SO BORING.


Sean is walking around the hotel with a flashlight. He sneaks into the gUrls' rooms and tells them to GET THE HELL UP and get dressed. This is exactly how my dad woke me up for school every morning.

Lindsay, CathyCat and Destinee get in Sean's Jeep just in time to watch the sunrise. How romantic!

He also reveals that they are going to be the first four people in the United States to watch the sunrise.
You know those gUrls were confused by that statement.

Sean is taking these gUrls on a "road trip." The music is leading me to believe that someone scary might be chasing them.

The trip is going to cover the entire island, from sunrise to sunset.

Do you think they called "shotgun" every time they got in and out of the car? I sure as hell would've.

I'm so bored by this road trip. I haven't heard a single Celine Dion song and no one is bitching about needing to use the bathroom. So. Not a real road trip.


CathyCat and Linds are bored, too.

They finally make it to the end of the road. There's a little bit of time before the sunset, so it's time for SEXY TIME at the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean and Linds have a little review sesh of their "relationship" on the beach. There wasn't much to review, but I'm kind of surprise ole Linds didn't bring a Power Point presentation with her.

CathyCat finally gets her alone time with Sean and she tells him that her dad lives in China. Then, she says he's had a lot of struggles and that he was "taken away." But... she does not clarify if he was taken to China or if he chose to go there? IS THAT A THING? CAN SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY TO CHINA?

[Back at the hotel: AshLee and Lesley are talking about Tierra and OF COURSE, she can hear them. Lesley is indulging in some MILLER TIME.]

Destinee has FINALLY nailed the premise of the show. A rose means you stay and guarantees some more time with SeanBoy. Nailed it, gUrl! Nailed it!

Destinee says it's HUGE to bring someone home to her family. Then, she just starts crying.

It's time to hand out the rose! SeanBoy says it's the hardest decision he's made so far. LIES.

Lindsdawg gets the rose.

Destinee, tell her what she's won!


Sean's wearing his favorite Salmon bermuda shorts for his one-on-one date with Lesley. She's wearing a matching salmon skirt.

SeanBoy wants to use today to figure out if he likes Lesley enough to travel to Fort Smith, Arkansas. Let me tell you, you gotta like someone a lot to hit that place up.

Lesley reveals that she's a Bachelor fan and that she's falling in love with SeanBoy.

Lesley's happy place is her lake house. Well, DUH. What if she was like, "I hate the lake!" RED FLAG.

Lesley gets a little bit awk and backs out of telling Sean that she's falling in love. Instead, she suggests that they pick some fruit. Normal.

Sean can tell that Lesley is nervous. But, he's also like, WAY ANNOYED.



Sean only packed linen shirts for this trip. He's nervous and he needs some advice, so ABC has flown his sister down to talk it out with Sean. He waits for her in the most natural of places.

"I'll just wait out here on this mini pier for my sister! Film me looking at the water!"

Shay is SeanBoy's role model, because she's married with kids. AND THAT IS ALL SEAN WANTS.

Shay doesn't hold back at all, "Their hearts will get broken and they'll get over it."

Shay doesn't want Sean to pick a gUrl that isn't as committed as he is. She wants him to pick someone with good intentions. OBVI.

[Back at the hotel: Tierra confronts AshLee. Tierra is convinced that AshLee is sabotaging her relationship.]

Sean explains Tierra to his sister and the second he tells her that T-Dawg doesn't hang out with the other gUrls, she KNOWS. (I knew you were trouble when you walked in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[Hotel: Tierra isn't messing around. She attacks AshLee's age and keeps talking about buses. Tierra yells at AshLee and tells her that the other gUrls are talking shit about HER and her character. But, Tierra is DONE with this conversation.

I'm done with her face!!!!!!!

AshLee goes to talk to the other gUrls and Tierra follows her. She brings the bus back up. This gUrl LOVES buses.

gUrls be mad when you don't say "good morning!"

"Raised eyebrow?! That's my face!" -- Tierra

"I've never had botox!" -- Tierra
Whoa, whoa! Did someone accuse you of that?

Tierra's parents told her she has a "sparkle."
Tierra is 24.
No one should be telling their 24-year-old child that. EVER.

If my dad told me I had "sparkle," I'd be very concerned. I don't think my dad even knows that word! I mean, not as an adjective for a person, unless he's talking about Fergie or something.

(Fun fact! My neighbors, growing-up, had a dog named 'Sparkles'. He was kind of mang-y, so we called him 'Spackles'!)

Sean suggests that Shay meet Tierra. Uh-oh!

Sean is walking up to the hotel during the middle of this meltdown.

Ohhhhhh, diss!
That really cut to the core.

Of course, Sean just misses the fight and finds Tierra on her cot. She is crying and she's being honest. She admits that she confronted AshLee and she feels like AshLee is OUT TO GET HER with her "pity" high-school-32-year-old shit!


Sean walks out on Tierra to stare at the concrete. This is his nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's been too much drama and not near enough hand holding!!!!!!!!!!

It's like that concrete spoke to him! He knows what he needs to do!

He dangles his sister in front of Tierra's face, but... it ain't happenin', gUrl. GO HOME NOW.

Sean says he can't keep her because it's "so hard on her."

Classic, Sean. Classic.
"It's not you...(it's not me either). It's YOU on this show."

Sean didn't see this coming, but he's not shocked.

T-Dawg doesn't even get to take her bag with her! She got in that mini-van without even a sweater for the plane!

Tierra cries a hard, ugly cry as she sits in the back of the van.

Sean makes it back to his sister (HOURS LATER) and lets SissyPoo know that he told T-Dawg to get on outta hurr!

"I told myself nobody will take my sparkle away. I'm not letting that happen." -- Tierra
It's one thing to say that as you accept 1st runner-up in the Miss America pageant. 
It's a whole other ballgame to say that as you're sitting in a mini-van, crying, while wearing a bathing suit cover-up and fake pearl earrings. 


Sparkle done left the building, gUrl!



Sean seems over-dressed for the party.

He reveals that he told Tierra to get her shit (sparkle included) and leave. He sent her home.

"Just to clarify: I'm not looking for that in a partner." -- Sean, re: drama
Each gUrl made a mental note at this clarification. 
Not looking for DRAMA. 
Might be looking for SPARKLE?

Sean has cancelled the pre-party and is moving this straight to the ROSE CEREMONY. Baby boi is tired of playing games. It's time to take care of business.

That's Sean. TCB all the time.

AshLee explains to the other gUrls that she's not dramatic, she's protective. Sure, sure! Heard that one before!

Chris is all, "this is a huge rose ceremony."
Everything's bigger in St. Croix?

AshLee is "free-king" out and she doesn't want to go home without him.
She could easily be talking about a Golden Retriever puppy right now and I wouldn't know the difference.

One rose.
Two "ladies."

AshLee gets the final rose!!!!!!

The rose spoke to AshLee and it said, "you can trust."
This gUrl be cray! She got a rose talkin' to her now!

gUrls be sad that Lesley is going home.

CathyCat is nervous. Lesley has more in common with Sean than her, so she's all..."WTF, Sean? What do you want?"

Lesley gets in the car and is STONE COLD.
No one has ever kept their game tighter in the back of the rejection car.
No one.

All the ladies who independent, throw ya hands up at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Child of destinnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy!

Way to keep it on lock for Arkansas, gUrl!

I can't believe he turned down a trip to Lesley's lake house to go to HOUSTON. Um. HELLO?! I'm guessing her house is on Lake Ouachita and let me tell you, you would rather go there than Houston. You'd rather move into the Exxon bathroom at the intersection of Highways 27 and 270 on the way to the lake (there's a Subway!) than go to Houston. But, that's just one woman's opinion (mine).


Next week Sean gets in a fight with someone's brother and talks Department of Defense spending with Lindsay's dad!

1 comment:

Morgan said...

I really appreciate the way you incorporated so many Top 40s hits into this week's blog.

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