Tuesday, January 22, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 3.

Here we are again! And...oh, look! Sean is working out. IN GIANT BLUE SHORTS. Just like last week. And the week before.

Does ABC know that I know that they are using the same footage over and over again? They have to know that I know. I am not your average viewer, ABC!

Chrissy Poo is at the house schlepping out advice to the ladies, "make the most of it."

I'd start off with, "Remember: your dad might be watching." That right there would get me to re-think just about everything I was doing on camera.

We find out that Lesley, the Arkansan, gets the one-on-one date. She's freaking out and she has REALLY LONG HAIR. The date card says, "how long will this love last?" My guess? Six weeks. My other guess? Until hometown dates, so. NOT THAT LONG. She's going to take him down Rogers Avenue in Fort Smith and he'll get one look at Central Mall and bolt. Not to mention, if she puts it on 93.7 (K-I-S-R) and that weirdo Fred is on the air? DONE-ZO.

The date is a yawner. Typical. Sean is a yawner.

They are at the Guinness Book of World Records (store? museum? arcade?) in Hollywood and really, Sean is just using this "adventure" as an excuse to show her a picture of his dad in front of a Suburban.

"She's fun to interact with." -- Sean, about Leslsey
I mean. Really?

We learn that Sean and Lesley are going to break the record (or attempt to break! spoiler!) for "longest on-screen kiss." The two talk about how nervous they are because of the "huge crowd" of people around, but when the camera pans out we see that it's not that many people. AND. That the majority of these people are definitely homeless and were definitely asked to come stand there by the producers.


The kiss was kind of awkward, kind of normal and definitely made me nervous. I thought Lesley dress was going to creep up over her butt at any second and then she'd be breaking some other kind of record, I'm assuming. Luckily, that didn't happen.

It's time for the nighttime action! They are on a roof!

Sean starts with the really hard questions. Like, "what'd you do in high school?" She says she was in a lot of AP classes. Well. Everyone at that high school took AP classes. They took AP classes and made everyone uncomfortable by playing "Dixie" at sporting events.

Then, of course, she talked about how PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND AWESOME her parents are. And then. Again, it became a competition between who's parents hold hands longer at the Old Navy store on a Saturday morning after sharing a croissant from the local Panera Bread. YAWN.

Don't these people's parents ever get shit done? People who hold hands all the time don't get shit done.

Something about taking control and kissing.

Lesley gets the rose.




"Sean, take off your shirt!" -- gUrls
The worst. 

Chrissy Poo comes to tell the ladies that playing volleyball on the beach is "something special."


I played junior high volleyball and I was on the A-team in 8th grade. So, I'm qualified to judge these people.

"This is literally my worst nightmare." -- Daniella
What do these people do day-to-day? I mean. THIS is your worst nightmare?
If I made a list right now of all of my "worst nightmares" I could list approximately 1,586,485 things before you saw "beach volleyball" listed anywhere. 

The winners of the beach volleyball game get to spend the evening with Sean. The losers go home.

I think Jim, Alexis' husband, from Real Housewives of Orange County is the referee. Can anyone confirm?

It's the worst game of volleyball I've ever seen in my life. And as you'll note: I sat through a lot of junior high volleyball. The only silver lining was that no one was there yelling, "Bump, set, spike it, that's the way we like it!" (SHOUT OUT, RHS LADY CYCLONES. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.)

"This is the most important game of my life..." -- Taryn
Suddenly, my life feels worthless. 
I should play more beach volleyball.

One team wins and the other team loses. There are tears. REAL TEARS. This reminds me a lot of my junior high career (CINDY WILLIAMS, ARE YOU OUT THERE?)

Sean takes the winners back to his pad. The losers go back to the PLACE WHERE LOSERS GO AND CRY and do just that: cry. Then, they talk about how exhausting the day was. AT THE BEACH. PLAYING. GALLIVANTING. 

"Oh my gosh. I am just like, so amazed by you." -- Lindsay
I swear I had this exact conversation with a boy on AOL IM once. 


"I feel very blessed." -- Desiree
I wish these people would look up the definition of that word.

Desiree meets up with Sean to talk about how good at volleyball she is. But, then she tells him that she has a "deeper" side. Like, she enjoys life AND the beauty of life. Dang. That is deep.

We learn about the next one-on-one date and also that a lot of these gUrls have not showered from the beach volleyball game.

Tierra PLAYS A REALLY CRUEL JOKE on the gUrls at the house and reads a name on the date that isn't actually on the date card! To clarify: she said a gUrl was going on a date, but the gUrl wasn't actually going on the date.

NO ONE thought it was funny.

Amanda, the tornado of negative energy, has a sit-down with Sean and she tells him that she would bring a "light, airy, fun atmosphere" to marriage. Can I be honest? That's a weird thing to bring to a marriage. I mean, that's not the first thing on my list of things to bring into a marriage. Sure, "fun" would make the list, but "airy"? This isn't a voicemail! It's marriage.

The other gUrls heard Amanda make this promise to Sean and they are not into it. They don't think she is light, airy or fun. Kacie B. is going to be a little selfish and bring it up to Sean.

"I feel like I've been punched in the face." -- Kacie B. 

Kacie B. says she's in the middle of Desiree and Amanda and she can't be herself. It's very odd. She didn't even really say anything. Something about being worried and being in the middle. Sean's more confused than I am.

"Don't act like this crazy person I'm seeing." --Sean

"My plan is not working." -- Kacie B. 
gUrl, while we are discuss things that aren't working: burn that skirt. 

Lindsay gets the rose! Giggles.

"I look like a crazy person." -- Kacie B. 
Listen to me: YOU ARE A CRAZY PERSON. 
And better not let anyone else tell you otherwise, gUrl!
You are bat shit crazy! Total BSC!


Time for the one-on-one date! With AshLee!

But, oh no! Noises. Banging! Clatter!

Twas minutes before a one-on-date, when all through the house, 
Ladies were stirring, and mixing their dranks
Bikinis were hung on the balcony with care,
In hopes that Bachelor Sean soon would be there.

The ladies were chatting, some napping in beds, 
While visions of a wedding danced in their heads.

When suddenly, in the house, there arose such a clatter, 
gUrls came running to see what was the matter, 

"Tierra took a big fall." -- AshLee

Right on cue, Sean arrives.

The ambulance arrives. She gets a neck brace and they put her on a stretcher.

"This is so stupid." --Tierra

The producers and medics want Tierra to go to the hospital. Sean wants her to go to the hospital. She says, "No! No! No!" And people, no means no. So. She doesn't go to the hospital and the one-on-date continues.

Sean is taking AshLee to Six Flags (which, come on, baby boy, you can't tell her to dress it down a little for that?). But, there's a twist! Two chronically ill children, who are best friends from the internetS, and LOVE this show are going to be joining them!

What a great way to see if someone has a heart of gold or just hates children: invite chronically ill kids on a date!

This was Sean's "idea," but he can't talk about it. He has to bring Jackie in. I think another twist should be that Jackie joins them, too, and if he decides he likes her she can come back to the house for the rose ceremony.

AshLee thinks this is just thrilling and sweet and that Sean is just soooooooooooo presh for doing this.

Get the Guinness Book out again! That gUrl has the longest hair of any chronically ill child on television ever.

Also. The two gUrls who are sick and joining them on the date are best friends that have never met. At this point, I was really hoping for some kind of "catfish" situation to happen here. Like, one of the teenage gUrls is actually a 35-year-old woman posing as a sick kid just to get on this show and win Sean's heart, but no.

Just two super cutie kids who've been dealt a tough hand.

Everyone is wearing a v-neck except AshLee. What a loser.

Sean and AshLee win some giant stuffed animals for the gUrls and the gUrls have no idea that they are going to have to carry-on those animals on the plane and that it's going to be super embarrassing.

Now, there's a special concert for just them and at this point, Sean's all, "y'all go over there and awkwardly dance together, I'll dance with her."

Then, they take some old-timey photos.

AshLee and Sean get some alone time and she tells Sean her story and it really is a sad and terrible and awful story. Sean even cries. AshLee gets the rose. They dance, they kiss. THIS COULD BE FOREVER, Y'ALL.



Sean knew this week was going to be tough for Soul Surfer, so he gets a limo for her dog and she gets some special time with Leo. HER DOG.


Tierra tells Sean that her back hurts. Desiree interrupts. Tierra is pissed off. She deserves more. Tierra comes back for more, but Desiree is going to stay right where she is. Lesley has had enough. She goes to interrupt.


Desiree is still sitting on that bench. She cries.

Kacie B. has on a tennis dress. She needs to talk through everything with Sean. She's having a hard time. She's ready to move forward. Spoiler alert! Sean is not ready to move forward.


Sean pauses before handing out the roses and asks to see Kacie B. outside. He says he has too much respect for her to just leave her standing in that rose ceremony without a rose. SO. He's going to pull her aside, ALONE, and just put her in a mini-van and send her away FOREVER. I mean, what a sweetie! Not only that, he actually says, "we're better off as friends."


Back to the ceremony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Final rose!!!!!!!!

Desiree gets the final rose. Taryn and Kristy, the model, are headed home. But, remember: Kristy got a modeling job out of this! She's on the cover of a romance novel now! What gUrl doesn't dream that dream growing up?!

Taryn doesn't think she's sweet enough for him.
That's just a weird thing to think.

Kristy gets lost on the way out and wanders around before the producers finally throw her a bone and get her outside where she can just cry alone into her hands in the driveway, like all self-respecting women who get dumped!!!!

It's over.

Until next week.

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