bachelor: epi 6.

This epi starts off with Carmen San Diego-like feel as we learn where Anguilla is located on a map that it has "white sand" according to the Dentist. There's a lot of galloping around and then ole Chrissy comes in and says they have added a date. He breaks it down several times, "Now, there are four dates...three one-on-one dates and one group date..." We learn Barbie gets the first one-on-one. SHOCK-ER. You know what would shock me more though? If a helicopter showed up. Oh, you son of a bitch, you! It's a helicopter! No way! Where'd you get one of those?

Bach Brad takes her to a private island adequately named, "Sandy Island." I'm going to have to say, not the best name for an island ever. It's kind of as bad as me naming my teddy bear, Teddy, as a kid.

Wait. How'd they get wet? They were not wet a second ago.

"It's just scary." --Barbie

THIS. Again? People. People. Come. On.

"We're losing the sun...and we're gaining the moon." --Bach Brad

Uh-oh, we've got an astronomer on our hands here, ladies. He really is the total package!

So, super serious convo follows. Brad really wants to know if he can meet people and then Barbie lets out a deep sigh, deep sigh. Side note: Her daughter is named Josephine, but she goes by "Ricki." Scratch U.S. Senator off of her future career list. He convinces her to kind of say yes by breaking ALL the rules and promising her a rose. If breaking all the rules really just entails you promising me a rose, someone needs to write some more rules.

Bach Brad and Shawn head down to the ole farmer's market and Shawn is tripping out because apparently going to a random ass farmer's market in a random ass country in the middle of the day is her ab.so.lute. perfect date. What?! It's like these gUrls filled out forms before the show started or something. How does Brad do it? Every week, every single week, he gets it right!

Brad likes how confident Shawn is playing dominoes. I've always heard that the way a woman plays dominoes is the way a woman lives her life.

The date only got more perfect when Brad showed Shawn some baby goats. And ladies, that's it! That's the way to a woman's heart right there. Skip the puppies and roses and get someone a baby goat.

Shawn kind of told the Bach she loves him, but she really didn't. Maybe she was talking about the goats.

Brad wants to sit down and his measure his feelings, but I didn't see any rulers anywhere. Zing! He's going to do this by sight and feel. And there it is-- Shawn throws out that she wants him to come to Chico and Brad really, really respects his mother. And then, Brad talked about his dad and he doesn't do that with people. Unless it's other "ladies" on this show. But, no one else.

Shawn has a really "impressive" tattoo on her lower back.

Then, there's a reggae band and they have a good ole hoot-a-nanny in Anguilla.

Britt gets the next one-on-one date. Oh, wonderful!

Britt is super pumped to find out if there's something between them. Isn't it obvious that there isn't? No? It's not? Really? I can see it and you've only appeared on my television screen for a total of seven minutes this whole season.

Brad starts off the date by bragging about all the different ways he's "picked up" women and he leaves off the line, "Did you fart? Because, you just blew me away." He claims he's picking her up on this yacht, but he made her swim a good two miles out from shore just to get on it. Not my idea of a good time.

"Britt and Brad, all though it sounds really cute, I don't know if I see them getting married. I don't know if I even see them friending each other on Facebook." --CAM**

Zing! She's never said anything so right in her life.

** CAM = (C.razy A.ss M.ichelle)

There is a lot of small talk and even more swimming. Then, he makes her jump off a cliff and Britt has a shit fest. For good reason. I'm terribly afraid of heights, but I always forget I am until I get myself into situations that require me to jump off of something like a cliff in the middle of the ocean. She jumped off the cliff and of course, Brad saw her jumping as a metaphor for their relationship and taking a "leap" for him and opening up her heart. Blahblahblah.

CAM tells the Dentist and ChanChan up front she hates them and wishes they were dead... or maybe she just doesn't want to go to on a group date with them.

Britt's been in love a couple of times, but she's not very good at showing affecting. What? Really? Is that why you're sitting 12 inches away from the Bach on the beach? They make their way back to the boat and Britt's wearing what I think is lingerie from TJ Maxx and she's really excited that there's no rose up for grabs. Oh, ABC Producers, you are cruel. BUT, I like it right now.

Brad finally realizes it isn't going to happen, so he basically throws her off the damn boat and tells her to swim home. Kidding! I'm kidding! He provided a dinghy for her. Which is a small, little baby boat. She walks in the house to a round of applause and excitement and then has to tell the gUrls that she was asked to leave because she's really boring and needs a haircut.

"So, I'm actually packing." --Britt

"I'm actually going home." --Britt

Shocker! She goes on to say she's been waiting on it to "kick in" for her and it just didn't. Her exit was only made worse by her white foam platform flip-flops.

We move on to the group date from hell and Brad wakes up ChanChan, the Dentist and CAM around 2am for a photo shoot. The Dentist and CAM are wearing pajamas and ChanChan rolls up in a fun, flirty little red dress. We need to note that ChanChan says, "I'm feeling like a fatty today." I'm glad I caught this because it kind of explains why she spends the whole photo shoot sticking out her stomach like she's pregnant. I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

The photographer tells the Dentist to do some ballet and she jumps in the air. I'm not a genius or anything, but it didn't look very ballet-ish to me. I mean, I've seen "Black Swan."

And. There goes the top.

Class, pure class.

ChanChan then rolls around in the sand and then takes some wet sand and smothers it on her chest. Somewhere in the background I heard, "That's hot. Oh, that's hot." I'm sorry, what? She just put sand down her top.

And. There goes the top.

Class, pure class.

Brad obviously likes it.

CAM has done a "little modeling in her life," so she asks if Brad can be in the shoot and then they make out in front of everyone. ChanChan continues to stick out her stomach and look weird.

It's finally over and the Dentist and ChanChan are "visibly upset" according to Brad. Well, yeah...they took off their tops, but he made out with CAM. So, he talks to the Dentist and he truthfully tells her that he cares about her and they drink some really weird green drinks poolside. It is a party after all!

Bach Brad takes ChanChan to the beach and she plays with the sand, but I don't think Brad thinks it's as "hot" this time. Brad sums up the day by telling Chan, "It is what it is." Oh, great. Chan follows that up with an, "I love you."

He moves on to CAM and Brad is "scared" that he and CAM are too much alike. Then they have a weird convo and CAM just says, "I want to continue progressing." I don't like that word, "progressing," because I feel like she's making women everywhere regress. She's that bad. She's set all women everywhere back years by her crazy ass behavior.

Brad goes on and on about walls and feelings and roses and photo shoots and being lost, which, I don't understand how he's lost. We had that geography lesson in the beginning.

Brad pulls the Dentist aside and wants to know if flossing really does matter that much. She assures him that it does and they discuss their homeless fathers again and then she says, "Babe, you're scaring me," 14 times and then says, "Don't send me home!" and he gives her the rose! That's all it took! Just some begging. Oh, Brad. OH, BRAD.

The look from CAM when it was over was like nothing I've ever seen before. That woman has a list and he's on it. I'm guessing that that list is not good. Brad begs Chan to talk and she just cries as the Dentist tries to console her. But, Brad works through it and gets her to talk. Then they argue a little bit and he tells her, "It's not a matter of choosing one over three." Well, what is it then, Brad? You have to choose one over the other! I swear no one told this asshole the rules before he signed up for this show.

Chris shows up just as Bach Brad is gazing at the framed 5x7 photos on the random table. Brad never made the phone call to his therapist this week and Chris gets to sit in as counsel for the time being. Brad decides to cancel the cocktail party. I have to be honest, nothing pisses me off more than a cancelled cocktail party.

"What the hell is going on?" -- Chan (I think)

I find myself asking that same question, on repeat, every single time I turn this show on.

"If I go home tonight, I'm going to be fu$%in@ pissed." --CAM

"Brad's been very clear with his intentions and what he's doing here." --Chris

Well, yeah, again...we all know his intentions. His intentions are the point of this stupid show. Right? No?

CAM goes home! CAM goes home!

And guess who's effing pissed? You guessed it: CAM!

Bach Brad walks her out and you know he was terrified. That gUrl could slice him up! He asks to talk to her and she just gets in the limo and proceeds to lie down. No tears, no crazy confessions of anything...it's like nothing ever happened-- she was just tired.

Brad explains that he realized CAM was crazy and that's why he was so confident in telling her goodbye.

Well, finally.

Next week seems to be really promising. Shawn is going to take Brad to the morgue and I for one am thrilled beyond belief about that! It's hometown dates, which means one thing to me: the "journey" is almost over. PTL.

v-d gift guide.

Because I have a plethora of male suitors hoping to serve as my 2011 version of a valentine, here are some ideas for those also hoping to woo me, on this day, Valentine's Day 2011.

WHAT? HIDDEN KITTY LITTER BOX

WHY? Because I'm tired of snuggling up with a potential joint-checking account holder and being able to visibly see the kitty litter box. With this gem of an item, we won't have to look at it any more!

WHAT? YUKATA COVER-UP ASIAN

WHY? Well, if it's not obvious, then I don't know what it is! It's sexy, fun AND multi-cultural. What better way for me to show how diverse I am than with an Asian-themed cover-up?!

WHAT? DUMMY SURVEILLANCE CAMERA

WHY? I'm not quite married yet, so every now and then I get scared at night. What better way for my honey to show he cares than purchasing a fake surveillance camera to scare would-be danger away from me while I'm getting all my beauty sleep?

WHAT? JOINT-CHECKING ACCOUNT

WHY? When someone loves you they want you to be able to go to Target whenever you want and buy as much toilet paper as your under-the-sink cabinet can hold. You can't put a price on love, unless you're sharing your money with your love.

WHAT? PUPPY

WHY? The best way to show someone you love them is to buy them a (cute) puppy, let them name it and then take that puppy home and take care of it yourself and never seek any responsibility from the other party, unless you're leaving town or something for more than 36 hours. Love is letting someone have a puppy without the restraints of actually having a puppy.

easy DIY pizza.

Alright, in this state of snowmergency I've been getting tons of e-mails and tweets asking me for recipes and ideas on how to keep warm with some yummy food! I can't keep this yumminess to myself any longer. Here's a step-by-step photorial on an easy, breezy DIY pizza for one! ENJOY!

Step 1. Buy a pizza from your local grocer. You can choose the brand!

2. In all likelihood the brand you choose will have a pull-tab. PULL IT!

3. Slide pizza out of box.

4. Place pizza (remember: you can choose whatever brand YOU want!) on cookie sheet.

5. Place pizza in the oven. The box says to pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees. So, do that.

6. Remove from oven. Place on a plate.

7. Slice the pizza. You can use a knife or a fancy-dancy pizza cutter!

8. ENJOY!

YUMMY!

bachelor: epi 5.

We do not start this epi with Chris Harrison and for the first time in 10 years I believe him-- maybe THIS IS going to be the most dramatic epi ever.

"I'm so fortunate to have been given a second chance at falling in love." --Bach Brad

No, no, no! You have a whole life-- you don't have to fall in love on television.

So, we're headed to Costa Rica, where Brad hopes he can find some answers...from Costa Rica.

"I clearly did not grow up in a jungle." --BarbieEmily

Who did, gUrl? Who did?

There are eight "ladies" left and they are all ready to get down and dirty in Costa Rica. What does that even mean? I haven't seen anyone get dirty on this show yet. Hell, I don't even remember the last time I got dirty. Maybe when I went fishing a few months ago and I got some dirt on my legs.

"I'm going to make him fall in love with me." --CAM

How's that working out for you?

Chantal is feeling super special (CAM is thinking the EXACT opposite) because her name was on the date card. OMG. But, she's also freaking out. OMG. It's make or break on the "something fun" date, which happens to be...a mother effing helicopter. Dude, not impressed. Your helicopter is a cheap rip-off of 127 other dates.

"I'm so excited." --Chantal

"I'm SO excited." --Bach Brad

Brad wants to "rejuvenate" his relationship with ChannyChan...wait...WTF. Rejuvenate? You've been dating her and a multitude of other gUrls for like, 2 weeks...if you have to revamp something at this point it wasn't vamped in the first place. If I hear the word "amazing" again I'm going to cut someone's toe off. OMG. It starts raining...AGAIN...OMG, what is that? Can you believe it? We better go hang out in a hotel suite with a rose and a white-button down shirt. Brad really likes the white-button down.

These two "love-birds" use more superlatives than anybody has ever used in their life. Like, their entire lives. Ie; best, greatest, etc;

"Honestly, I was just in a bad place." --Chantal, to Brad on her recent behavior

Where was that? Vegas?

Group date DRA-MA.

So, the gUrls are riding in the back of a truck like a bunch of migrant workers dressed in expensive yoga clothes. Brad's taking the "ladies" on an adventure and really, it seems more like a really shitty team-building exercise. All they need is a trust-fall and some "share-time" and these bitches will be bonded for life. They are repelling down a waterfall and CAM is pissed (honestly) because Brad isn't supposed to repel off of anything with anyone else, ever again besides CAM. EVER. I have to be honest, that seems like a pretty dumb pact to make, because it's like, "Well, sure I can make you this promise. I mean, how many opportunities will I have to repel off something with someone else?" Oh yeah, several-- it's not real life.

"I put these women to the test." --Bach Brad

How is an all-expenses paid vacay a test or hard?

I've taken some tests before. I made a 38% on a Calculus for Business test once. Then, I dropped the class. That test was hard.

Brad really learned his lesson from a few episodes ago-- on this epi, he's trying to make every single gUrl feel "special." Newsflash: you're on a reality dating show with eight gUrls, it's probably going to be tough to make everyone feel "special." Read Psalm 139 and be done with it.

"Honestly, these girls are really starting to bother me." --CAM

Oh, pot, this is the kettle...you're kind of black.

Bach Brad hears that Barbie Emily is scared and he thinks she should be having fun, so now he's scared that this is going to get sabotaged. It's all fun and games until reality tv is involved, Brad. He asks her to continue to stay there emotionally and then they immediately start making out. Naturally.

OMG. Did you see that bug? Like, how are they still alive? Those bitches broke something in the middle of all that commotion.

"I'm not looking for a type, all I'm looking for is a connection." --Bach Brad

That's not exactly true. Clearly, your "type" is crazy. And the only real "connection" you've claimed to have so far is when you and the Dentist both found out your dads were homeless or whatever.

CAM and Bach Brad go on to have one of the most incoherent conversations ever and at first I thought CAM was jealous of ChannyChan's white button-down, but then they start talking about walking backwards or something and I was lost.

"You just wanna have a sexy date in Costa Rica with Chantal." --CAM

"Don't don't tell me that I just want to have a sexy date in Costa Rica with Chantal." -- Bach Brad

Are these adults? Seriously?

CAM does not like Chantal. I do not like Brad's tattoo. So, it's even. Brad really, really likes CAM. Or so he says.

Brad doesn't hand out a rose and a little piece of me died on the inside. Is Brad crumbling? Is this a repeat? Are we on a loop? What is happening?! If he can't handle the pressure I hope he gets out of the kitchen. Is his therapist stashed somewhere? Oh, ABC, I hope and pray you know what you're doing!

Alli and Brad may or may not have a "true relationship forming." You know what? I'm going to go with "may not." Side note: Is that a random Shetland pony following them around? Love that. This is most boring date ever. All they are doing is pointing at shit and saying, "Look at that bird." Take a picture, assholes. It lasts longer.

Brad and Alli head into the 40-million-year-old cave. [40-million-years-old?!] [Christian or not, are you an idiot? No, are you? 40-million? OY VEY.] No worries, Brad is leading the way. The only thing worse than following Brad around in the daylight is following Brad around a dark cave.

So, they drink at the "altar" or something and then have dinner and awkwardly talk about how neither one of them normally walk around dark caves in the dark. Or something. And then it got worse and then she started insulting him and his city and then their little island started sinking. And then she told some sob story about not being able to see some dude at the end of the aisle on her wedding day.

Alli doesn't get the rose.

And. I could care less. She cried and I sent some work e-mails. After that Brad looked out over his balcony and presumably, thought about his therapist.

Next thing you know, CAM is at Brad's door and he looks shocked and like he's looking for a producer. There is some serious fear in his eyes. They mug down for a while and CAM tells Bach Brad that sending Alli home is a good decision and then they talk about how CAM is always pissed off. RED. FLAG. Then, CAM tells Bach Brad what gUrls should go home and when. And her braid looks really weird. Don't misunderstand, I like a good braid, but that one just looks like she did a poor job with it. Side note: Is it just me or is she always hitting Brad? Is that what boys like? Should I start punching them more?

Cocktail party.

Brad's got some tough decisions to make tonight.

Chantal is the only one with the rose, so I'm wondering if that's why she was so confident in her decision to wear that dress.

Everyone is so damn scared and I'm starting to wonder if they know something I don't. Is there a killer loose on the island? A deadly disease? Why is everyone so scared? That's all they are talking about. I counted how many times these nine idiots said "scared" or "scary" over the last two (longest) hours (of my life) and it was somewhere in the ballpark of 3,582. That's a rough estimate-- could be closer to 3,579.

Brad says Barbie Emily is "worth the fight" and that's good because I have a feeling by the end of this CAM will fight someone.

Brad is scared (badly) of CAM and that's the realest shit this dude has ever said. Brad, we're all scared of this psycho. And then, they said "scared" another 46 times and well...frankly, I'm "scared" too, because these are real people who actually live in this country and are afforded the same freedoms I am and that makes me uncomfortable because I don't think any of them are emotionally stable enough to handle going to the grocery store alone.

"I don't know if I'm crazy." --CAM

I do.

All the "ladies" confront CAM over the "grief" given to Brad and basically, everyone is confused. Well, join the club-- I'm confused as to why these people are still convinced any of this is a good idea. Don't these gUrls have ANY friends at home who pulled them aside and said, "Come. on. gUrl. Get it together."

Shawntel and Brad play the silent game and it was weird. Like, weird.

You want to know what really is scary? Ok, I'll tell you: at the 1:42 mark, CAM walked in and said, "Hi, friends." in the creepiest voice of all-time. And then the "ladies" just argued over the "grief." CAM dropped the bomb that she tried to get a white-button down of her own by visiting Brad's hotel room and everyone agrees that CAM has no class, but CAM is just "trying to keep it real."

Chantal, feeling uber confident in that dress from the Forever 21 sale rack, tells Brad, "I love you." Bold move. And Brad asks her why she thinks that. Bold question. They aren't even to the hometown dates and she's dropping L-bombs?! Honey, burn a mixed CD or something first.

FINALLY, Chris shows up and drops the terrible news that someone is going home SO-LO. Where has that son of a bitch been the whole episode? He thinks he can just waltz in at the end of the show? If I have to deal with all this BS he should, too.

Brad feels humbled about something. He hands out some roses and for some reason gave Britt one. I think he feels sorry for her. Have they even talked? Ever? I remember that one time.

CAM gets a rose. CAM gets a rose!

Jackie goes home. Jackie cries. Hey! At least she got a trip to Costa Rica out of the deal. Those guys on the Bachelorette last season had to go to Iceland.

Next week sure looks like a doozie, right? I can barely contain my excitement. Ok, I lied. I can.

the bachelor: epi 4.

My deepest apologies for the lateness of this post. The winter weather delayed my viewing of the epi and well, here it is...

We open with Chris Harrison coming in and counting the gUrls left on the journey. He warns them of the seriousness of it all and yes, this is serious. This is prime-time network television...in VEGAS! Also, I counted how many times he said "journey" just then. It was 19.

They flew Southwest and I respect that.

Brad gets out of the car at his hotel and the guy greets him and then he's all, "I love your city, thanks so much for having me," like that guy was the mayor or something. It was the door-guy.

Brad thinks he can figure out his journey of love by spending a week in Vegas. Good luck with that.

Shawntel gets the one-on-one date. It's a shopping date, well, a spree really.

"I didn't know Shawntel was so stylish." --Brad

Well, yeah, because she's always in a bikini.

"I think he's legitimately interested in her." --Jackie

I think he's interested in everyone.

ShawniePoo comes in after the "spree" and of course the other gUrls are like, "WTF, Shawn?"

CAM realllllly, realllllly, realllllly wishes she had the shopping date. Well, yeah, gUrl, DUH.

All the "ladies" are sitting around drinking beer and that one gUrl is in a robe and everyone else has on normal clothes. That's weird to me. Why is she in a robe? I don't like Shawn's hair for the date, but I think the dress is alright. I can't comment on that purse, because I don't have that kind of insight, but it's like, really expensive, so I guess it's pretty nice.

"I am so grateful...but, I'm really nervous...I really want this time to talk to him about being a funeral director and an embalmer." --ShawniePoo

Oh, wow...really? I'm fairly certain she just said, "leakage."

Brad is just not taking this seriously. But, you know what...Shawn gets the rose. Obviously. He'd give me a rose.

"We have the basis for a very real relationship to happen." --Brad

Do you? Do you? Being on a television show and and going on a shopping spree is the basis for a very real relationship? Please.

Do these gUrls really just sit around together and chat allllllll the time? And why do some of them look so put-together and some look like I do right now? The date card comes and they figured out real quickly that Ashley and Ashley have to go on the two-on-one date...TOGETHER. Of course, CAM is really, really, really glad about it. What an ass-bitch.

It's a full-blown NASCAR race track. Dear ABC Producers, you are seriously the scummiest of the scummiest people to ever breathe in air. What kind of son of a bitch would do this to a person? Is this funny? If I ever see you in person, I plan on spitting on you.

CAM thinks she's fun and HOT. But, she said hot really funny. Not funny, weird. It was weird.

Oh, Brad is really curious as to what's going on in Emily's head...like he doesn't know. Please.

"Can I ask you what got you involved in NASCAR in the first place?" --Brad

Well, obviously, she's spent a lot of time just racing growing up, Brad. I mean, who doesn't love some Sunday afternoon NASCAR?

"I need to go check on somebody I care about." --Brad

Emily is such a trooper. And she had on more jewelry than all the other gUrls combined. I respect that.

After-party!

At a pool.

Obviously.

Could they even have a party somewhere other than a pool?

Brad pulls BarbieEmily aside and the other gUrls start bitching like they just lost prom queen or something. Brad doesn't really see it that way, no, he needs a therapy session.

"You're a little older than me, my dear." --BarbieEmily

FINALLY. Yeah, Brad's 38. Barbie is like, 25.

Alli says it's hard to feel special and she feels stupid for crying and being dumb. I'm going to validate her feelings...I think she's dumb and stupid, too.

OH, L-BOMB. She dropped the L-BOMB. Chantal, what. are. you. doing?! You are on a group-date with 11 other "ladies" and you just said LOVE. Now, I think think you're stupid and dumb, too.

The Dentist and the Babysitter are questioning everything they know. Their whole worlds are shifting.

Who loved CAM's hair? The part down the middle, the ringlets to each side.

"Yeah, whatever." --CAM

They admitted they have crushes on each other and then CAM grabbed his face like a vaccuum cleaner and Brad just said, "Thanks."

Brad gives Emily the rose. How big of a d-bag would he be if he didn't? A big one.

I think both Ashleys were seeing who could wear the shorter, tighter dress. I counted how many times he said, "Both Ashleys." It was 26.

Oh, I love watching people do choreography that have no experience doing choreography (I fall in that category myself).

This show isn't scripted at all, is it? Shawn and Chan are sitting around asking each other, "What do you think?"

"Chemistry. Trust. Teamwork. Romance." --Brad

Now Brad's a junior high basketball coach. Well, minus the romance.

How awkward is this dinner? How does Brad always seem caught off-guard by the fact that he has to give someone a rose each and every date? Like, Brad, you've done this before...you know the drill.

Brad just said "connection" 19 times. Say "connection" again.

The Dentist gets the rose. The Dentist gets the rose!

"I just feel really sad...I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. And the heart." --The Babysitter

All very valid. She thinks finding love is very important. gUrl, nothing is wrong with you...you're 22 and he's 38. You don't want to be with him. Get it together and go babysit someone. You wear silly bandZ for crying out loud!

The Dentist doesn't seem all that upset. Unless making out is her way to get over being really upset.

Did we love Brad's eye make-up? It really stressed me out.

Brad puts a call in to his therapist. Good idea.

PSYYYYCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I can't even comment on this.

Rose ceremony.

That gUrl has on a mini tiara. I don't like it.

Whoa, CAM, look in the mirror the next time you get dressed. Please.

Chantal and Bach Brad talk it up about when women cry, Bach Brad comes running.

Brad wants Alli to feel special, so he does something for her he's already done for Emily. OOPS.

Marissa is strong and confident...AND a random texter and note-giver. I respect that. But, she's spent very little time with him, so I can only imagine what these random notes say.

Whoa, Britt, where are you going? What are you wearing? I think she got that at JC Penney. For sure.

CAM is going after him. This is starting to get creepy. Brad's not allowed to talk and you can tell he's starting to get a little weirded out, that is until she sticks her tongue down his throat. Watching them kiss is not enjoyable. ABC, this is not entertainment. This is terrifying.

"There's some women that I still have some questions about." --Brad

I just wanted to point out that that sentence was not grammatically correct.

First rose goes to CAM and I'm just going to say it for you, "WHAT. THE. F$%^."

Britt gets a rose?! OMG.

Marissa does not get a rose, therefore, those are going to be some pretty awkward notes for Bach Brad to read. I hope he just throws them away or something. Maybe she should have given them to him earlier.

I forgot that one curly-haired gUrl's name until she got kicked off and started crying. I would've kicked her off based on her choice of nail color, for sure. Baby shit pink? No thanks.

"It hurts having to leave feeling like I was rejected." --Marissa

Hate to break it to you, that's exactly what happened though-- you were rejected.

Chris just called this the most "controversial season of the Bachelor."

Wait, is controversial the same as dramatic? Because, if it's not Chris just changed the whole game for me and I don't even know what to do if this isn't the most dramatic season ever, but the most controversial.

bachelor.

Just a heads up-- I'm currently traveling for work (not for pleasure) and if all goes according to plan, I'll have my thoughts up on the most dramatic episode ever by Wednesday.

This is not a binding contract.

As if anyone cares.

not a rebuttal.

There are few things in the world that excite and intrigue me like the way the government of this great Union works (see how I did that?). Last night was President Obama's State of the Union Address and where this is not a rebuttal on any level, I still feel like it's my civic duty to inform you, oh great readers of the internetS, my thoughts and feelings about said address.

I think my thoughts can be best expressed in bullet form.

• SEATING. What is this a high school lunchroom? People are talking about where people were sitting like Regina George (this is a "Mean Girls" reference) invited them to her table for lunch. I have a feeling it just made things awkward for people. I mean, come on...John McCain and John Kerry sitting next to each other? That was politics at its finest, not government working together at its finest. I wonder where the Tea Partiers sat...maybe they had their own section like the band jocks or something.
• GABRIELLE GIFFORDS' EMPTY SEAT. The second Obama mentioned the empty seat in her honor the camera went directly to it where the dude sitting directly to its left immediately picked up his belongings from the seat. Dude, you were the only guy in the place with an empty seat next you. It was there for semblance, not to hold your shit.
• "The future is ours to win." Apparently, all it takes to "win" the future is controlling the deficit and reforming government. Looks like the future is ours to lose now! What a dumb statement anyway. What does it even mean? Will we be taxed for our winnings, if we do in fact, "win?"
• Google and Facebook (SHOUT OUT). It's no secret that I think the internetS is the greatest invention EVER. But, really, POTUS, this line, "...the nation of Edison and the Wright brothers; of Google and Facebook. In America, innovation doesn’t just change our lives. It is how we make our living." We are really going to compare Facebook to Edison? I'm rolling over in my grave and I'm not even dead.
• Pipe Dreams. Apparently, college kids in California are developing a way to turn sunlight and water into fuel for cars. Listen, I get it...we need to find an alternative to oil, but...sunlight and water? I want my car to like, drive faster than I can walk.
• Education. I'm a fan of social reform through education. Call me a Democrat, I don't care. The education system in this country sucks on almost every level. It's incredible that we have an education system that is free and available, but it needs some work. So, we're doing away with "No Child Left Behind" and implementing "The Race to the Top." I have a feeling lots of children are going to be "left behind" during this "race" to the top. Top of what?!
• High Speed Rail. Great.
• Spending Freeze. Right.
• Jokies. Obama's team must not be very funny because the jokies he had in the speech fell awkwardly flat. People only laughed because the boss told the joke.
• Joe Biden. Loved the fist pump, hated his constant smirk. Someone who smirks that much has to be mostly clueless.
• Fashion. Obama and Biden both rocked the somewhat purple tie. Which begs the question: Royalty or bi-partisan? I want to go with bi-partisan. After all, if you mix red and blue you get purple! I learned that at Girls State 2001 (SHOUT OUT).
• "We do big things." Damn straight! This is America! We've been doing it big since 1776! It's about time we took that on as our motto. "E pluribus unum" is great and all, but doesn't really speak to the hearts of Americans. If Congress wants to really make a statement they should start with putting "We do big things (since 1776)" on the seal.
• Republican Rebuttal. Who was that guy? Was that the very best the Republican Party could do? Apparently, he's the chairman of the House budget committee. But, I have a feeling he was partially chosen because he's young and not ugly. Something a lot of Republicans don't have going for them. Can you say: broadening the party base? If I thought Obama was vague in his speech, then I don't even have a word for Ryan's rebuttal.

For the most part, I thought the speech was pretty decent. I mean, he didn't really tell me any actual plans that he has other than promising to "look at things" with the help of the Republicans. I hope he does look at medical malpractice and simplifying the tax code. And he if follows through even once on his promise to veto any bill that comes across his desk full of "pork," I'll personally write him a letter of gratitude.

I love America.

A lot.