My deepest apologies for the lateness of this post. The winter weather delayed my viewing of the epi and well, here it is...
We open with Chris Harrison coming in and counting the gUrls left on the journey. He warns them of the seriousness of it all and yes, this is serious. This is prime-time network television...in VEGAS! Also, I counted how many times he said "journey" just then. It was 19.
They flew Southwest and I respect that.
Brad gets out of the car at his hotel and the guy greets him and then he's all, "I love your city, thanks so much for having me," like that guy was the mayor or something. It was the door-guy.
Brad thinks he can figure out his journey of love by spending a week in Vegas. Good luck with that.
Shawntel gets the one-on-one date. It's a shopping date, well, a spree really.
"I didn't know Shawntel was so stylish." --Brad
Well, yeah, because she's always in a bikini.
"I think he's legitimately interested in her." --Jackie
I think he's interested in everyone.
ShawniePoo comes in after the "spree" and of course the other gUrls are like, "WTF, Shawn?"
CAM realllllly, realllllly, realllllly wishes she had the shopping date. Well, yeah, gUrl, DUH.
All the "ladies" are sitting around drinking beer and that one gUrl is in a robe and everyone else has on normal clothes. That's weird to me. Why is she in a robe? I don't like Shawn's hair for the date, but I think the dress is alright. I can't comment on that purse, because I don't have that kind of insight, but it's like, really expensive, so I guess it's pretty nice.
"I am so grateful...but, I'm really nervous...I really want this time to talk to him about being a funeral director and an embalmer." --ShawniePoo
Oh, wow...really? I'm fairly certain she just said, "leakage."
Brad is just not taking this seriously. But, you know what...Shawn gets the rose. Obviously. He'd give me a rose.
"We have the basis for a very real relationship to happen." --Brad
Do you? Do you? Being on a television show and and going on a shopping spree is the basis for a very real relationship? Please.
Do these gUrls really just sit around together and chat allllllll the time? And why do some of them look so put-together and some look like I do right now? The date card comes and they figured out real quickly that Ashley and Ashley have to go on the two-on-one date...TOGETHER. Of course, CAM is really, really, really glad about it. What an ass-bitch.
It's a full-blown NASCAR race track. Dear ABC Producers, you are seriously the scummiest of the scummiest people to ever breathe in air. What kind of son of a bitch would do this to a person? Is this funny? If I ever see you in person, I plan on spitting on you.
CAM thinks she's fun and HOT. But, she said hot really funny. Not funny, weird. It was weird.
Oh, Brad is really curious as to what's going on in Emily's head...like he doesn't know. Please.
"Can I ask you what got you involved in NASCAR in the first place?" --Brad
Well, obviously, she's spent a lot of time just racing growing up, Brad. I mean, who doesn't love some Sunday afternoon NASCAR?
"I need to go check on somebody I care about." --Brad
Emily is such a trooper. And she had on more jewelry than all the other gUrls combined. I respect that.
At a pool.
Could they even have a party somewhere other than a pool?
Brad pulls BarbieEmily aside and the other gUrls start bitching like they just lost prom queen or something. Brad doesn't really see it that way, no, he needs a therapy session.
"You're a little older than me, my dear." --BarbieEmily
FINALLY. Yeah, Brad's 38. Barbie is like, 25.
Alli says it's hard to feel special and she feels stupid for crying and being dumb. I'm going to validate her feelings...I think she's dumb and stupid, too.
OH, L-BOMB. She dropped the L-BOMB. Chantal, what. are. you. doing?! You are on a group-date with 11 other "ladies" and you just said LOVE. Now, I think think you're stupid and dumb, too.
The Dentist and the Babysitter are questioning everything they know. Their whole worlds are shifting.
Who loved CAM's hair? The part down the middle, the ringlets to each side.
"Yeah, whatever." --CAM
They admitted they have crushes on each other and then CAM grabbed his face like a vaccuum cleaner and Brad just said, "Thanks."
Brad gives Emily the rose. How big of a d-bag would he be if he didn't? A big one.
I think both Ashleys were seeing who could wear the shorter, tighter dress. I counted how many times he said, "Both Ashleys." It was 26.
Oh, I love watching people do choreography that have no experience doing choreography (I fall in that category myself).
This show isn't scripted at all, is it? Shawn and Chan are sitting around asking each other, "What do you think?"
"Chemistry. Trust. Teamwork. Romance." --Brad
Now Brad's a junior high basketball coach. Well, minus the romance.
How awkward is this dinner? How does Brad always seem caught off-guard by the fact that he has to give someone a rose each and every date? Like, Brad, you've done this before...you know the drill.
Brad just said "connection" 19 times. Say "connection" again.
The Dentist gets the rose. The Dentist gets the rose!
"I just feel really sad...I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. And the heart." --The Babysitter
All very valid. She thinks finding love is very important. gUrl, nothing is wrong with you...you're 22 and he's 38. You don't want to be with him. Get it together and go babysit someone. You wear silly bandZ for crying out loud!
The Dentist doesn't seem all that upset. Unless making out is her way to get over being really upset.
Did we love Brad's eye make-up? It really stressed me out.
Brad puts a call in to his therapist. Good idea.
I can't even comment on this.
That gUrl has on a mini tiara. I don't like it.
Whoa, CAM, look in the mirror the next time you get dressed. Please.
Chantal and Bach Brad talk it up about when women cry, Bach Brad comes running.
Brad wants Alli to feel special, so he does something for her he's already done for Emily. OOPS.
Marissa is strong and confident...AND a random texter and note-giver. I respect that. But, she's spent very little time with him, so I can only imagine what these random notes say.
Whoa, Britt, where are you going? What are you wearing? I think she got that at JC Penney. For sure.
CAM is going after him. This is starting to get creepy. Brad's not allowed to talk and you can tell he's starting to get a little weirded out, that is until she sticks her tongue down his throat. Watching them kiss is not enjoyable. ABC, this is not entertainment. This is terrifying.
"There's some women that I still have some questions about." --Brad
I just wanted to point out that that sentence was not grammatically correct.
First rose goes to CAM and I'm just going to say it for you, "WHAT. THE. F$%^."
Britt gets a rose?! OMG.
Marissa does not get a rose, therefore, those are going to be some pretty awkward notes for Bach Brad to read. I hope he just throws them away or something. Maybe she should have given them to him earlier.
I forgot that one curly-haired gUrl's name until she got kicked off and started crying. I would've kicked her off based on her choice of nail color, for sure. Baby shit pink? No thanks.
"It hurts having to leave feeling like I was rejected." --Marissa
Hate to break it to you, that's exactly what happened though-- you were rejected.
Chris just called this the most "controversial season of the Bachelor."
Wait, is controversial the same as dramatic? Because, if it's not Chris just changed the whole game for me and I don't even know what to do if this isn't the most dramatic season ever, but the most controversial.