Tuesday, February 15, 2011

bachelor: epi 6.

This epi starts off with Carmen San Diego-like feel as we learn where Anguilla is located on a map that it has "white sand" according to the Dentist. There's a lot of galloping around and then ole Chrissy comes in and says they have added a date. He breaks it down several times, "Now, there are four dates...three one-on-one dates and one group date..." We learn Barbie gets the first one-on-one. SHOCK-ER. You know what would shock me more though? If a helicopter showed up. Oh, you son of a bitch, you! It's a helicopter! No way! Where'd you get one of those?

Bach Brad takes her to a private island adequately named, "Sandy Island." I'm going to have to say, not the best name for an island ever. It's kind of as bad as me naming my teddy bear, Teddy, as a kid.

Wait. How'd they get wet? They were not wet a second ago.

"It's just scary." --Barbie
THIS. Again? People. People. Come. On.

"We're losing the sun...and we're gaining the moon." --Bach Brad
Uh-oh, we've got an astronomer on our hands here, ladies. He really is the total package!

So, super serious convo follows. Brad really wants to know if he can meet people and then Barbie lets out a deep sigh, deep sigh. Side note: Her daughter is named Josephine, but she goes by "Ricki." Scratch U.S. Senator off of her future career list. He convinces her to kind of say yes by breaking ALL the rules and promising her a rose. If breaking all the rules really just entails you promising me a rose, someone needs to write some more rules.

Bach Brad and Shawn head down to the ole farmer's market and Shawn is tripping out because apparently going to a random ass farmer's market in a random ass country in the middle of the day is her ab.so.lute. perfect date. What?! It's like these gUrls filled out forms before the show started or something. How does Brad do it? Every week, every single week, he gets it right!

Brad likes how confident Shawn is playing dominoes. I've always heard that the way a woman plays dominoes is the way a woman lives her life.

The date only got more perfect when Brad showed Shawn some baby goats. And ladies, that's it! That's the way to a woman's heart right there. Skip the puppies and roses and get someone a baby goat.

Shawn kind of told the Bach she loves him, but she really didn't. Maybe she was talking about the goats.

Brad wants to sit down and his measure his feelings, but I didn't see any rulers anywhere. Zing! He's going to do this by sight and feel. And there it is-- Shawn throws out that she wants him to come to Chico and Brad really, really respects his mother. And then, Brad talked about his dad and he doesn't do that with people. Unless it's other "ladies" on this show. But, no one else.

Shawn has a really "impressive" tattoo on her lower back.

Then, there's a reggae band and they have a good ole hoot-a-nanny in Anguilla.

Britt gets the next one-on-one date. Oh, wonderful!

Britt is super pumped to find out if there's something between them. Isn't it obvious that there isn't? No? It's not? Really? I can see it and you've only appeared on my television screen for a total of seven minutes this whole season.

Brad starts off the date by bragging about all the different ways he's "picked up" women and he leaves off the line, "Did you fart? Because, you just blew me away." He claims he's picking her up on this yacht, but he made her swim a good two miles out from shore just to get on it. Not my idea of a good time.

"Britt and Brad, all though it sounds really cute, I don't know if I see them getting married. I don't know if I even see them friending each other on Facebook." --CAM**
Zing! She's never said anything so right in her life.

** CAM = (C.razy A.ss M.ichelle)

There is a lot of small talk and even more swimming. Then, he makes her jump off a cliff and Britt has a shit fest. For good reason. I'm terribly afraid of heights, but I always forget I am until I get myself into situations that require me to jump off of something like a cliff in the middle of the ocean. She jumped off the cliff and of course, Brad saw her jumping as a metaphor for their relationship and taking a "leap" for him and opening up her heart. Blahblahblah.

CAM tells the Dentist and ChanChan up front she hates them and wishes they were dead... or maybe she just doesn't want to go to on a group date with them.

Britt's been in love a couple of times, but she's not very good at showing affecting. What? Really? Is that why you're sitting 12 inches away from the Bach on the beach? They make their way back to the boat and Britt's wearing what I think is lingerie from TJ Maxx and she's really excited that there's no rose up for grabs. Oh, ABC Producers, you are cruel. BUT, I like it right now.

Brad finally realizes it isn't going to happen, so he basically throws her off the damn boat and tells her to swim home. Kidding! I'm kidding! He provided a dinghy for her. Which is a small, little baby boat. She walks in the house to a round of applause and excitement and then has to tell the gUrls that she was asked to leave because she's really boring and needs a haircut.

"So, I'm actually packing." --Britt
"I'm actually going home." --Britt
Shocker! She goes on to say she's been waiting on it to "kick in" for her and it just didn't. Her exit was only made worse by her white foam platform flip-flops.

We move on to the group date from hell and Brad wakes up ChanChan, the Dentist and CAM around 2am for a photo shoot. The Dentist and CAM are wearing pajamas and ChanChan rolls up in a fun, flirty little red dress. We need to note that ChanChan says, "I'm feeling like a fatty today." I'm glad I caught this because it kind of explains why she spends the whole photo shoot sticking out her stomach like she's pregnant. I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

The photographer tells the Dentist to do some ballet and she jumps in the air. I'm not a genius or anything, but it didn't look very ballet-ish to me. I mean, I've seen "Black Swan."

And. There goes the top.
Class, pure class.

ChanChan then rolls around in the sand and then takes some wet sand and smothers it on her chest. Somewhere in the background I heard, "That's hot. Oh, that's hot." I'm sorry, what? She just put sand down her top.

And. There goes the top.
Class, pure class.

Brad obviously likes it.

CAM has done a "little modeling in her life," so she asks if Brad can be in the shoot and then they make out in front of everyone. ChanChan continues to stick out her stomach and look weird.

It's finally over and the Dentist and ChanChan are "visibly upset" according to Brad. Well, yeah...they took off their tops, but he made out with CAM. So, he talks to the Dentist and he truthfully tells her that he cares about her and they drink some really weird green drinks poolside. It is a party after all!

Bach Brad takes ChanChan to the beach and she plays with the sand, but I don't think Brad thinks it's as "hot" this time. Brad sums up the day by telling Chan, "It is what it is." Oh, great. Chan follows that up with an, "I love you."

He moves on to CAM and Brad is "scared" that he and CAM are too much alike. Then they have a weird convo and CAM just says, "I want to continue progressing." I don't like that word, "progressing," because I feel like she's making women everywhere regress. She's that bad. She's set all women everywhere back years by her crazy ass behavior.

Brad goes on and on about walls and feelings and roses and photo shoots and being lost, which, I don't understand how he's lost. We had that geography lesson in the beginning.

Brad pulls the Dentist aside and wants to know if flossing really does matter that much. She assures him that it does and they discuss their homeless fathers again and then she says, "Babe, you're scaring me," 14 times and then says, "Don't send me home!" and he gives her the rose! That's all it took! Just some begging. Oh, Brad. OH, BRAD.

The look from CAM when it was over was like nothing I've ever seen before. That woman has a list and he's on it. I'm guessing that that list is not good. Brad begs Chan to talk and she just cries as the Dentist tries to console her. But, Brad works through it and gets her to talk. Then they argue a little bit and he tells her, "It's not a matter of choosing one over three." Well, what is it then, Brad? You have to choose one over the other! I swear no one told this asshole the rules before he signed up for this show.

Chris shows up just as Bach Brad is gazing at the framed 5x7 photos on the random table. Brad never made the phone call to his therapist this week and Chris gets to sit in as counsel for the time being. Brad decides to cancel the cocktail party. I have to be honest, nothing pisses me off more than a cancelled cocktail party.

"What the hell is going on?" -- Chan (I think)
I find myself asking that same question, on repeat, every single time I turn this show on.

"If I go home tonight, I'm going to be fu$%in@ pissed." --CAM

"Brad's been very clear with his intentions and what he's doing here." --Chris
Well, yeah, again...we all know his intentions. His intentions are the point of this stupid show. Right? No?

CAM goes home! CAM goes home!
And guess who's effing pissed? You guessed it: CAM!

Bach Brad walks her out and you know he was terrified. That gUrl could slice him up! He asks to talk to her and she just gets in the limo and proceeds to lie down. No tears, no crazy confessions of anything...it's like nothing ever happened-- she was just tired.

Brad explains that he realized CAM was crazy and that's why he was so confident in telling her goodbye.

Well, finally.

Next week seems to be really promising. Shawn is going to take Brad to the morgue and I for one am thrilled beyond belief about that! It's hometown dates, which means one thing to me: the "journey" is almost over. PTL.

1 comment:

Ashley "not a guy" Patton :) said...

Once again, perfect recap to the ridiculous show that i always seem to watch. i am prob the only one that watches the entire show, and then awaits your wonderful recap and then proceeds to read it all the way through. thanks for the laughs. what will we do without CAM? :)

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