We do not start this epi with Chris Harrison and for the first time in 10 years I believe him-- maybe THIS IS going to be the most dramatic epi ever.
"I'm so fortunate to have been given a second chance at falling in love." --Bach Brad
No, no, no! You have a whole life-- you don't have to fall in love on television.
So, we're headed to Costa Rica, where Brad hopes he can find some answers...from Costa Rica.
"I clearly did not grow up in a jungle." --BarbieEmily
Who did, gUrl? Who did?
There are eight "ladies" left and they are all ready to get down and dirty in Costa Rica. What does that even mean? I haven't seen anyone get dirty on this show yet. Hell, I don't even remember the last time I got dirty. Maybe when I went fishing a few months ago and I got some dirt on my legs.
"I'm going to make him fall in love with me." --CAM
How's that working out for you?
Chantal is feeling super special (CAM is thinking the EXACT opposite) because her name was on the date card. OMG. But, she's also freaking out. OMG. It's make or break on the "something fun" date, which happens to be...a mother effing helicopter. Dude, not impressed. Your helicopter is a cheap rip-off of 127 other dates.
"I'm so excited." --Chantal
"I'm SO excited." --Bach Brad
Brad wants to "rejuvenate" his relationship with ChannyChan...wait...WTF. Rejuvenate? You've been dating her and a multitude of other gUrls for like, 2 weeks...if you have to revamp something at this point it wasn't vamped in the first place. If I hear the word "amazing" again I'm going to cut someone's toe off. OMG. It starts raining...AGAIN...OMG, what is that? Can you believe it? We better go hang out in a hotel suite with a rose and a white-button down shirt. Brad really likes the white-button down.
These two "love-birds" use more superlatives than anybody has ever used in their life. Like, their entire lives. Ie; best, greatest, etc;
"Honestly, I was just in a bad place." --Chantal, to Brad on her recent behavior
Where was that? Vegas?
Group date DRA-MA.
So, the gUrls are riding in the back of a truck like a bunch of migrant workers dressed in expensive yoga clothes. Brad's taking the "ladies" on an adventure and really, it seems more like a really shitty team-building exercise. All they need is a trust-fall and some "share-time" and these bitches will be bonded for life. They are repelling down a waterfall and CAM is pissed (honestly) because Brad isn't supposed to repel off of anything with anyone else, ever again besides CAM. EVER. I have to be honest, that seems like a pretty dumb pact to make, because it's like, "Well, sure I can make you this promise. I mean, how many opportunities will I have to repel off something with someone else?" Oh yeah, several-- it's not real life.
"I put these women to the test." --Bach Brad
How is an all-expenses paid vacay a test or hard?
I've taken some tests before. I made a 38% on a Calculus for Business test once. Then, I dropped the class. That test was hard.
Brad really learned his lesson from a few episodes ago-- on this epi, he's trying to make every single gUrl feel "special." Newsflash: you're on a reality dating show with eight gUrls, it's probably going to be tough to make everyone feel "special." Read Psalm 139 and be done with it.
"Honestly, these girls are really starting to bother me." --CAM
Oh, pot, this is the kettle...you're kind of black.
Bach Brad hears that Barbie Emily is scared and he thinks she should be having fun, so now he's scared that this is going to get sabotaged. It's all fun and games until reality tv is involved, Brad. He asks her to continue to stay there emotionally and then they immediately start making out. Naturally.
OMG. Did you see that bug? Like, how are they still alive? Those bitches broke something in the middle of all that commotion.
"I'm not looking for a type, all I'm looking for is a connection." --Bach Brad
That's not exactly true. Clearly, your "type" is crazy. And the only real "connection" you've claimed to have so far is when you and the Dentist both found out your dads were homeless or whatever.
CAM and Bach Brad go on to have one of the most incoherent conversations ever and at first I thought CAM was jealous of ChannyChan's white button-down, but then they start talking about walking backwards or something and I was lost.
"You just wanna have a sexy date in Costa Rica with Chantal." --CAM
"Don't don't tell me that I just want to have a sexy date in Costa Rica with Chantal." -- Bach Brad
Are these adults? Seriously?
CAM does not like Chantal. I do not like Brad's tattoo. So, it's even. Brad really, really likes CAM. Or so he says.
Brad doesn't hand out a rose and a little piece of me died on the inside. Is Brad crumbling? Is this a repeat? Are we on a loop? What is happening?! If he can't handle the pressure I hope he gets out of the kitchen. Is his therapist stashed somewhere? Oh, ABC, I hope and pray you know what you're doing!
Alli and Brad may or may not have a "true relationship forming." You know what? I'm going to go with "may not." Side note: Is that a random Shetland pony following them around? Love that. This is most boring date ever. All they are doing is pointing at shit and saying, "Look at that bird." Take a picture, assholes. It lasts longer.
Brad and Alli head into the 40-million-year-old cave. [40-million-years-old?!] [Christian or not, are you an idiot? No, are you? 40-million? OY VEY.] No worries, Brad is leading the way. The only thing worse than following Brad around in the daylight is following Brad around a dark cave.
So, they drink at the "altar" or something and then have dinner and awkwardly talk about how neither one of them normally walk around dark caves in the dark. Or something. And then it got worse and then she started insulting him and his city and then their little island started sinking. And then she told some sob story about not being able to see some dude at the end of the aisle on her wedding day.
Alli doesn't get the rose.
And. I could care less. She cried and I sent some work e-mails. After that Brad looked out over his balcony and presumably, thought about his therapist.
Next thing you know, CAM is at Brad's door and he looks shocked and like he's looking for a producer. There is some serious fear in his eyes. They mug down for a while and CAM tells Bach Brad that sending Alli home is a good decision and then they talk about how CAM is always pissed off. RED. FLAG. Then, CAM tells Bach Brad what gUrls should go home and when. And her braid looks really weird. Don't misunderstand, I like a good braid, but that one just looks like she did a poor job with it. Side note: Is it just me or is she always hitting Brad? Is that what boys like? Should I start punching them more?
Brad's got some tough decisions to make tonight.
Chantal is the only one with the rose, so I'm wondering if that's why she was so confident in her decision to wear that dress.
Everyone is so damn scared and I'm starting to wonder if they know something I don't. Is there a killer loose on the island? A deadly disease? Why is everyone so scared? That's all they are talking about. I counted how many times these nine idiots said "scared" or "scary" over the last two (longest) hours (of my life) and it was somewhere in the ballpark of 3,582. That's a rough estimate-- could be closer to 3,579.
Brad says Barbie Emily is "worth the fight" and that's good because I have a feeling by the end of this CAM will fight someone.
Brad is scared (badly) of CAM and that's the realest shit this dude has ever said. Brad, we're all scared of this psycho. And then, they said "scared" another 46 times and well...frankly, I'm "scared" too, because these are real people who actually live in this country and are afforded the same freedoms I am and that makes me uncomfortable because I don't think any of them are emotionally stable enough to handle going to the grocery store alone.
"I don't know if I'm crazy." --CAM
All the "ladies" confront CAM over the "grief" given to Brad and basically, everyone is confused. Well, join the club-- I'm confused as to why these people are still convinced any of this is a good idea. Don't these gUrls have ANY friends at home who pulled them aside and said, "Come. on. gUrl. Get it together."
Shawntel and Brad play the silent game and it was weird. Like, weird.
You want to know what really is scary? Ok, I'll tell you: at the 1:42 mark, CAM walked in and said, "Hi, friends." in the creepiest voice of all-time. And then the "ladies" just argued over the "grief." CAM dropped the bomb that she tried to get a white-button down of her own by visiting Brad's hotel room and everyone agrees that CAM has no class, but CAM is just "trying to keep it real."
Chantal, feeling uber confident in that dress from the Forever 21 sale rack, tells Brad, "I love you." Bold move. And Brad asks her why she thinks that. Bold question. They aren't even to the hometown dates and she's dropping L-bombs?! Honey, burn a mixed CD or something first.
FINALLY, Chris shows up and drops the terrible news that someone is going home SO-LO. Where has that son of a bitch been the whole episode? He thinks he can just waltz in at the end of the show? If I have to deal with all this BS he should, too.
Brad feels humbled about something. He hands out some roses and for some reason gave Britt one. I think he feels sorry for her. Have they even talked? Ever? I remember that one time.
CAM gets a rose. CAM gets a rose!
Jackie goes home. Jackie cries. Hey! At least she got a trip to Costa Rica out of the deal. Those guys on the Bachelorette last season had to go to Iceland.
Next week sure looks like a doozie, right? I can barely contain my excitement. Ok, I lied. I can.