Tuesday, February 26, 2013

the bachelor :: sean : epi 9.

And then, there were three. At this point, SeanBoy could quit right now and implement his own version of 'Sister Wives'. There's a billion dollar spinoff idea, ABC. CASH MONEY, guaranteed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SeanBoy is in Thailand standing at the bow of a boat. He's dangerously close to jumping off. Or falling off. He's wearing flip-flops which are dangerous because those are not boating shoes and do not provide any stability for the feet, if he were to slip. This could all end in tragedy right here.

Sean, again, for the 17,897th time calls this place, "one of the most beautiful places in the world." He also says it is, "the south of Thailand." Which, I don't think is an actual place. I'm assuming he means south Thailand?

He then says there are "huge mountains coming out of the sea." No. Technically, it is the Malacca Strait. And he says the water is blue, but it's clearly green-ish. : (

We then have to sit through about 3 hours of Sean recapping his relationships with each of the ladies.

Fast forward.

Cool tank top though, right?
: (

Sean says is heart is torn and it is leading him in so many different directions. There's only one thing to do: get in the pool and sit at the edge and stare out over the landscaping and check out your own biceps every couple of seconds, too. It works every time! That's how I figure all of my shit out.


Sean's first date in "the south of Thailand" is with Lindsay. Lindsay can't look at the scenery because Sean is soooooooooo gorgeous.

These two lovebirds are headed to the local market for some food and NEON BABY CHICKS. Easter came early in Thailand! Talk about over-commercializing a holiday.

Sean took Lindsay to this market to simulate what it would be like for the two of them to go grocery shopping in Dallas together. I live in Dallas and I occasionally go to the grocery store. Even the Kro-gay with terrible meat selection isn't this bad. So, what I am saying is: this is not like a grocery store in Dallas. Grocery stores in this town have valet parking. VALET PARKING. Sean probz shops at Whole Foods. That shit is expensive. Again, not anything like this market.

"I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart and that's what I am looking for in a marriage." -- SeanBoy
HOLD UP. Wait. Say who? Say when?
That is weird and inappropriate on so many levels. 

They leave the market and head to the beach. They briefly discuss "settling down."

"You're the best friend that I've been looking for." -- Sean
: (
He doesn't have a best friend?!

They slip into their sexy-time swimsuits and feed some monkeys. Disgusting.

After getting some action in the Malacca Strait, they head to dinner by some old props from a musical about gay pirates (assumption; can't really be sure). If Lindsay wasn't distracted earlier, she'll be fine throughout dinner. I, on the other hand, would not be able to handle the blinking lights and the neon and the thought in the back of my head that, "MONKEYS CARRY AROUND DISEASES AND I WILL PROBZ DIE SOON."

Lindsay is "open" to moving to Dallas. She should rethink that. Make a pros and cons list, gUrl! I hope Sean can buy her a 3-series BMW soon or she'll never make it here. I bet he'll take her to that park over the freeway and be all, "LOOK AT THIS PARK. THERE'S A FOOD TRUCK. AND A BUILDING."

Lindsay is just seconds away from telling SeanBoy she loves him when, "all of sudden everything comes alive... and Thailand is all around us." Can't argue with that logic.

Baby gUrl has probz never seen an issue of National Geographic because she says this is, "the PRETTIEST thing" she's ever seen.

Chris Harrison, who could easily be the head of a high-class brothel at this point, sends these two kids an invitation to the fantasy suite. Zero hesitations involved. Fantasy suite it is!

Sean thinks Lindsay is funny AND compassionate AND that they could be best friends.

Short list of thingz I do with my best friends: talk about Hillary Clinton, talk about Beyonce, talk about dresses to wear to weddings, talk about the Kardashians, paint nails, bake stuff, talk about Corgi dogs, look at pictures of kittenz, borrow jewelry, send pictures of shoes to decide if I should or should not buy them, go to the mall, copy/paste quotes from blogs into e-mails and giggle, sing along to Celine Dion, tease our hair, talk about boyz. 

Thatz just a short list and I only see one to ZERO thingz I could do with a man on that list and I wouldn't like to do them regularly with a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They shut the door to the suite.


Itz now time for AshLee to get time with HER MAN. She's chosen a fun little layered number. A swimsuit, a tank top AND a crocheted smock? Sweater? Cover-up? Shirt? Baby dress? Blanket?

She calls Sean the "love of her life." It is just OVERWHELMING JOY, UNEXPECTED ADVENTUREZ AND FUN.

The boat sets out to sea and AshLee is still gushing about love, vulnerability, hearts and somethingsomethingsomethingIHOPEHEFEELSTHESAMEWAY.

Sean wants to challenge AshLee, so naturally he makes her swim through a cave to get to a private beach. THE WHOLE THING IS LIKE A DELETED SCENE FROM THE WORLD'S WORST SEQUEL TO "GOONIES" THAT PROBZ ONLY AIRED ON ABC FAMILY.

AshLee doesn't want to swim in the cave because she was adopted.
She thinks Sean might abandon her in that cave. She's not far off with that fear. I'd abandon her.

"I don't do caves." -- AshLee
Like, honestly? Who really does "do" caves? 
It's not exactly a thing. It's only kind of a thing.

They finally make it. It's life-changing for baby gUrl. She's let go and let God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I." -- AshLee
(First off: grammar.)
And! Really? 

Yes, there are two human beings that belong together more than you and SeanBoy. 

BEYONCE AND JAY-Z. Done and done. Your logic is out the window and I didn't even say BILL AND HILLARY. 

It's dinner time and Sean is picturing his life with AshLee. He has to be getting scared at this point. He could never love her as much as she loves him.

Sean asked AshLee why she's still single.

AshLee, being INSANE, calls it "a good question" and isn't offended at all.

"You know the qualities that I possess... and you know you want that...and I love that." -- Sean
Say how? 

AshLee goes on another diatribe about HOW IN LOVE (OBSESSED) SHE IS WITH SEAN.

Then, she starts talking about the fantasy suite. I honestly cannot tell if she's talking herself into staying or out of staying. Even if she says "no" to the invite she'd still totally end up at his room staring at him through the window all night so it doesn't matter what she says.

Baby gUrl says "yes," but only if "that boundary isn't crossed."


AshLee tells SeanBoy about the ring she wants and goes as far to tell him her ring size. BECAUSE THE SHOW'S PRODUCERS DON'T KNOW.

AshLee goes on and on and on about Sean healing her broken heart and spending her life with him and she'll do everything in her power to make sure he his happy FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. Even if she has to lock him in her basement, she will. make. him. HAPPY.

AshLee is absolutely the gUrl you date in junior high for 2 months and then she follows you to college and shows up at your kid's soccer game 12 years later and causes some real dramatic shit to go down.

This is a terrific Lifetime movie unfolding before our very eyes. 


CathyCat has been missed. But, do they have the same life goals? (NO, Sean, you don't!)

They get on a "junk boat" and immediately quote 'Titanic'.
: (

They spend a solid 17 minutes talking about how weird Cathy is. Then, Sean says she could be his best friend.

BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy is/was super pissy with her sisters. She talks to her BEST FRIENDS more than she talks to her sisters. Her BEST FRIEND is married, so she can tell her anything.

Sounds like Cathy already has a best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy says she'd move to Dallas. FROM SEATTLE.
I bet she recycles. She's going to be pretty disappointed when/if she gets here.
Ain't nobody got time for the environment. 

It starts lightning, so they get out of the water on to a boat and Sean goes TONGUE FIRST into about 17 minutes worth of kissing. How has no one ever told him to reign that tongue action in? Like. Come on.

Dinner time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean can totally see himself marrying Cathy. They will obviously be married in 5 years and they'd be super happy.

She keeps talking about being "super traditional" in relationships, which leads me to believe she's not traditional in other areas of her life? Like...she conditions before shampooing? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Cathy is clearly taking cues from someone else and tells Sean that she's not really, but is kind of, into the fantasy suite. She wants to be seen as a "lady" and not as someone "like that."


Sean just wants to watch YouTube videos all night with his "lady"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They get dat key to the suite and waste no time.

Cathy has obviously been very wounded by someone in her past. She's not confident at all in her looks or personality and it's just sad (real talk). To ease her pain, Sean says, "you're smoking hot." Eeeeeeek. You could've said it better, bud.

Cathy feels safe with Sean and she wants EVERYTHING WITH HIM. Including INTIMACY.

"When I look into his eyes, something visceral happens." -- CathyCat


of or pertaining to the viscera.

affecting the viscera.
of the nature of or resembling viscera.
characterized by or proceeding from instinct rather thanintellect: a visceral reaction.
characterized by or dealing with coarse or base emotions;earthy; crudea visceral literary style.

I know you were wondering.

Yes, Cathy may be the smartest gUrl to ever get this far into the Bachelor.


Sean gets dressed and has his weekly sit-down/recap with Chrissy Poo. He KNOWS he's got to send a woman home. And he KNOWS which woman it will be.


Sean recalls when Emily sent him home.
: (
SO. We have Emily to blame for all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean knows this is going to be THE HARDEST THING HE HAS EVER DONE.
Like, get a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's rose ceremony time, but first baby boy gotz to check out those PRIVATEPERSONAL messages that we all get to watch because TECHNOLOGY.

Sean doesn't want to be confused any further.

No, pick up a photo!

Ok, now roll the tape!

There's a moment, just for a second, where Sean is thinking, what do I do with my hands?!
He opts for the "casually hanging by my side" look.

Linday's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.

Cathy's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.

"Mega hunk."

"Whenever I thought about you, it gave me the wiggles."
That's a positive thing? JUST ASKING. I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Our relationship has completely evolved."

AshLee's PRIVATEPERSONAL message begins.
The music really perks up for this one.

"I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life."
Really? Like, go to the movies or something!

"I can't imagine ONE DAY without you."
Basement. Forever.


"Together we are whole."
Christ makes us whole (whole other blog post).

"I'm so emotional."
And bat shit crazy.

"...and for that...I will always love you."


Seans needs to look out to the horizon. It's raining.

He needs to look at the photoz again.
The rain is fitting. It's depressing.
Sean is sad.
: (

Sean knows he's not supposed to be with her. The problem? SHE DOES NOT KNOW THAT.

We all know what's about to happen here.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris breaks everything down for the gUrls.

Sean emerges in a suit, with a pocket square!

"I feel so blessed." --Sean

Somebody cusses.

Lindsay gets the first rose.
And then, 46 minutes of silence.

Deep breath.
Deep breath.

Cathy gets the rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee flees the scene like she kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
Ain't nobody got time for this shit! She's 34, son!

Sean wants to explain himself.
She is NOT interested in his explanation.
She only has time to figure out how to get to his hotel room and wait for him in the dark.

Baby gUrl gets in the SUV of Despair and drives off into the rain.

"This wasn't about laughter and joking." -- AshLee
You have made that VERY clear.

Houston is not that far from Dallas.
This could get real ugly.

No tears in the car!
Good for her.

Keep that on lock, gUrl!
Keep it tight.

Spoke too soon.

Sean is so sad he sits in the rain next to a fountain.
That's so typical of him.


And just like that, it's over.


Anonymous said...

your posts make the show so much better!! thank you!

Anonymous said...

Please please please do this again for the
Bachelorette!!!! It makes the show worth watching.
For real.

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