This is one of the only episodes of this series that I watch and think, "what would it be like if I were there...?" LIKE, would they build a Chili's in Russellville just to give us something to do? Would we have to go to the city "park" and swing or something? If I was going to keep it real, our activity for the day would be a stroll through Wal-Mart and a trip to exit 101 and the liquor store! Zing!
Also, we could go to the lake and pretend like that's something people do.
We start out with AshLee. She's wearing a cropped plaid button-down shirt. Yes, cropped. Cropped like, it's only half of an actual shirt. So. That's a thing.
AshLee has a really small dog. And she puts that dog on a leash. LIKE IT'S GOING TO RUN OFF.
AshLee takes Sean to a vacant lot with some really tall grass. She laid out a blanket and has some white wine there, too.
OMG. Holy crap! AshLee's dad is a pastor AND GUESS WHAT! SEAN'S DAD "DOES PREACH AT HIS CHURCH."
I have no idea what AshLee is talking about. She. talks. so. slow.
"I love looking at you." -- AshLee, to Sean
This gUrl's got it bad. Like. I don't know if she loves Sean or loves her family or hates herself.
AshLee says this is the most involved "with her soul" that she's ever been with a man. But, I have a feeling AshLee feels about Sean the same way I feel about pizza.
Pastor Dad asks AshLee and Sean where they've been and what they've done. AshLee starts crying. I think she started crying because she finally realized how her parents decided to spell her name makes her look like they did that on purpose. Which, they did. : (
After she was done crying she told her parents to forgive her for rolling around on the beach with SeanBoy. I'm kind of into that-- better tell them in person before they see it on TV! Points for baby gUrl!
Her mom on the other hand has heard ENOUGH. Hearts are fragile and rolling around in the sand is a sure-fire way to break a fragile heart. (I mean, yeah, if you roll on top of it! Zing!)
She asks Sean straight up, "Are you going to break her heart?"
MamaBear tells Sean why AshLee has control issues. She's also drinking water out of a wine glass. All class at this place, people!
"I see that love is on the horizon." -- Sean, to AshLee's dad
NO. NO. NO.
Sean asks Pastor Dad why he let AshLee get married at 17 and uses it as a segway into asking for her hand in marriage. IS THAT REALLY THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT?
"Hey, guy. Remember that time you let your 17-year-old daughter get married? Did you like that dude? Well, do you like me as much as you like him? Can I marry her, too?"
AshLee's dad tells a sweet story about adopting AshLee, but he says things in a weird way.
"Whatever man takes her for the rest of her life..." -- Pastor Dad
Maybe...chooses her? Marries her?
"It's not about me. It's about love." -- AshLee
AshLee is in deep. Too deep.
She even called the day magical. Not once, but twice!
"There's pixie dust everywhere." -- AshLee
I'm guessing that's actually pollen.
There's just not much else to say about that.
Honestly? I think baby gUrl is just ready to get out of Houston.
SeanBoy hopped on a plane for his first trip to Seattle ever.
He's ready to have a great time no matter what. Rain or shine.
I'm pretty shocked to see that CathyCat takes him to Pike's Place Market IMMEDIATELY. (Not)
"Welcome to Seattle, DEAD FISH!!!!!!!!!"
Cathy likes the way Sean makes her giggle, but I'm going to call her out on that. She's clearly an easy laugh. She laughs at things that are NOT funny.
Sean catches some fish. I should note that he's wearing TWO v-necks and a tweed-ish blazer. I don't know what he read about Seattle before visiting, but this is when he should HAVE busted out at least one of his dozens of plaid shirts.
Also. I think he has on ALL gray. Just differing shades.
Shit ton of gray.
Sean's a "big kid," but he's romantic, too!
He's so romantic that on a normal Saturday he would take CathyCat to the gum wall.
SIGN ME UP.
CathyCat tells Sean to NOT kiss grandma and just take her hand and put it to his forehead.
Cathy wants Sean to want more, so she heads straight to her mom's and squeals and squeals at the sight of her sisters.
"I'm surprised at how well Sean fits in with my family." -- CathyCat
We have to be watching two (OR SEVEN) different things here.
I mean, Cathy! Is your mother a preacher?!
No?! WELL. Good luck!
Sean rolls rumpio with Cathy's mom, but I thought she said, "RUFIO! RUFIO! RUFIO!"
"He talked to my grandma alone." -- Cathy
Yeah, that's an actual thing.
Cathy's sisters are not into this. Big sister is supportive, BUT... she ain't having this shit. They seem to be confused by the fact that Cathy went into the show thinking it would a fun thing to try out AND NOW SHE IS SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
Again. Someone explain this show to someone. Anyone. Someone.
The SistersOfDoom sit SeanBoy down at the dining room table for a little chat. I got very confused, very quickly.
Sister1: she goes in 100% and then makes things real fun, but then she just does whatever. SUPPORT HER DREAMS or ELSE. CALL HER OUT. She's so messy.
Sister2: She's so moody. She's happy AND focused.
Sooooooooooooooooooo. Basically, her sisters just told Sean that she's a fun gUrl, looking for someone to support her and her dreams. And she's happy and focused most of the time. Essentially, they were at a job interview and took the whole, "turn your strengths into a weakness" thing somewhere they shouldn't have.
They didn't say anything bad about her, but the tone in their voices made it seem like Cathy kills puppies on Sunday afternoons for fun and if Sean is going to love her, he has to love ALL of her, even the puppy-killing side.
Also, maybe the SistaCats are jealous. Or maybe they spent a lot of time cleaning up Cathy's messes because she's so happy and focused ain't nobody got time to clean!
Sean's has enough of the SistersOfDoom and he moves on to Cathy's mom. NO ONE SHOULD LEAD ANYBODY ON.
Sean wants her blessing. Cathy's mom plays it cool and says, "let's see what happens."
Cathy knows that Sean probz didn't have the best day with her family. Sean even says he doubts his relationship with Cathy after hearing about how FUN AND FOCUSED she is from her sisters.
ITZ ALL SO HARD.
Sean took the train to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. And then he got on a horse.
Linds is an army brat and she's silly and wants to take SeanBoy to the antique shop! ITZ ALL SO SILLY.
She can see them settling down and LIVING IN THAT TOWN.
"I feel like we're a couple!" -- Sean
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?
Thatz what you're supposed to feel like!
Linds took Sean to get a cupcake and I think she got like, four cupcakes. BOLD!
Did Sean get lowlights?
Like, in his hair?
It's not as blonde.
Sean wants to call Lindsay's dad, "general." WHICH, HE SHOULD. But, she gets all weird about it and is all, "No. Just say 'hey.'"
Then, she gives Sean some "army" clothes and makes him "work out."
After what feels like 2 weeks, they finally make it to Lindsay's house.
SeanBoy is nervous. I would be nervous, too. Good call, Sean.
"Part of Lindsay's dad's job kind of includes making men... hopefully he sees that I am a man..." -- Sean
Did you read that on Wikipedia, Sean?
Sean gets scared and goes with "mister" instead of "general" during the introductions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lindsay's mom thinks ITZ SO SILLY that Linds wore a wedding dress on the first night.
Also. Lisa, her mom, is wearing THE SAME SWEATER THAT SEAN WORE IN SEATTLE.
"She's just so special." -- Sean
Do better, Sean. Do better.
I think even my parents would acknowledge that I'm "special." You gotta come up with something a little more unique to say about her.
But, I guess it'd be weird to be all, "Well, she gets kind of drunk and we make out A LOT, so yeah... it's pretty great."
MomLisa asks straight up, "Are you falling in love with Lindsay?"
Sean says straight up, "I'm contractually bound TO NOT answer that question."
Mom thinks he isn't saying "I love you" because he's a good dude, but really-- ABC TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am more than ready for Sean to retire the Chuck Taylor's.
SeanBoy meets up with GeneralDad.
I don't know very many generals, but he doesn't seem very intimidating. I mean, there is a painting of soldiers in his little man cave and it looks like they are killing someone or something. So, thatz kind of scary.
"Hey! Cool painting!"
"Oh, yeah. I had that commissioned from a photo of me removing a guy's heart while I was on the front lines..."
"NO!!! Kidding! That's just a Thomas Kincade!"
SeanBoy asks for permission to marry Lindsay. It's the hardest question Lindsay's dad has ever been asked. HE'S A PARATROOPER AND CAN'T ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP, SO REALLY, HE'S GIVING SEAN THE AUTHORITY TO MAKE THE DECISION.
Beer for everyone!
"It makes me more attracted to Lindsay..." -- Sean
HE SAID THAT RIGHT AFTER HE DRANK A BEER WITH HER DAD.
Did they keep BrotherBear in the basement all night or something?
I mean, what's the deal with that?
He went in for a handshake as Sean was leaving, but Sean went in for a hug.
Oh, dog tags!
When Sean gets lost in love and stranded at DFW Airport, we'll be able to identify him!
We're headed to LA and Destiny is taking Sean hiking. Sean, of course, is over-dressed in his most favorite salmon shorts. Also, he's hiking in those damn Converses.
Is it an actual hike if there's pavement?
I say, no, but then again, I've never claimed to be "outdoorsy" like these people.
Also, he called the Katy Trail (in Dallas) "really pretty."
"If Sean and I end up together, this is what I'm going to want life to be like... I'm going to want to go hiking..." -- Destiny
Well, dream big, gUrl!
Sean reminds us again that he's "outdoorsy."
Meaning, he owns more than one North Face jacket.
"I feel like we're a couple." -- Sean
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.
Destiny's doorbell rings and Sean sees a man standing at the door. ITZ ALL SO CONFUSING.
Sean is not an actor and HE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE.
Don't put your hands on him!
Oh, itz all a silly joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Destiny's family finally arrives.
Her parents are like, SUPER SWEETIES. Just giggles and laughs.
And Destiny is glowing, so mom knows what's up! Something is going on!
Plus, Sean is VERY good looking.
I like that Dad is wearing a hoodie.
BrotherBear is not having any of this.
He's even more skeptical than Cathy's sisters.
"This is stupid." -- BrotherBear
He doesn't believe this would work out at all. Well, you know what, Bro? I'm sure people felt the same way about your tattoos! But, look at them now. You're all tatted-up and looking like a total hard ass. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
BrotherBear takes Sean outside. Sean needs a jacket, BrotherBear doesn't.
Brother does NOT see the reciprocation in this relationship. He definitely understands the premise of the show (FINALLY!) and he's not buying what Sean is selling. He tells Sean he sees no affection, BUT Des just told Sean that she loves how affectionate he is towards her. WHAT IN THE WORLD. Sean just doesn't understand.
Sean is riled up.
He's not a playboy.
You know, it'd be a lot easier to take him seriously if he wasn't wearing that jacket. Leather jacket? Just leather sleeves? I can't tell.
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ATE THEIR STEAK.
Destiny can't handle it anymore, so she just tells Nate to, "stop!"
Tony sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Sean about "the four seasons." I think he's talking about the weather and not the hotel. I guess we'll never know.
Destiny is really disappointed.
This is not how it was supposed to go.
Sean's never going to go hiking with her again.
Do you think someone at that house plays the cello?
If not, that's a weird item to decorate with.
THERAPY SESSION WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris breaks it down, "Four gUrls, four hometowns."
This is why he makes the big bucks.
"Are all four women LITERALLY on the chopping block tonight?" -- Chris
Well, I sure as hell hope not!
But, I mean! Ratings!
Sean is worried about Destiny's brother, but he's more worried about the fact that CathyCat has dreams and goals OTHER THAN GETTING MARRIED. Heaven forbid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sean doesn't think women should have dreams. ONLY MEN GET DREAMS!!!!!!!!
He needs to think this shit over.
He's never been in this predicament before.
Chris breaks it down for the ladies, "There are four of you here and three roses. One of you will go home tonight." Was Chris a math major at Baylor?
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sean has no idea what he is going to do!
He's just going to pick up one rose at a time.
One. rose. at. a. time.
Destiny can't handle it.
She needs to talk to Sean, "really quick."
She wants to apologize, Sean says she doesn't need to apologize.
He gets it. Itz all okay.
BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CathyCat is scared. as. hell.
Which, I have to be honest, I have no idea just how scary that is. I would assume really scary?
Itz getting real.
Sean walks out to go look at the photos of the gUrls, because looking at them in person just wasn't doing it for them.
He asks Chris if he can peruse their Facebook profiles real quick, too.
What's Chris' advice for the night?
"Get this right."
Cathy gets the rose!
Cathy gets the rose!
Itz always the gUrl in the sequin dress that gets sent home.
Sean escorts Des to the bench and tells her that he's probz made a giant mistake. Obviously, Des agrees. So, they both agree this is a mistake.
"I want someone to love me as much as I love them." -- Destiny
Well, she's gets it. She really gets it.
Mistake or not, she's getting into that limo.
"I can't even look at you." -- Des, AS SHE IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT HIM
This is quite the break-up.
If I was one of those other gUrls and I was watching this play out: OH, HELL NO. Put her in the car and tell me where we're headed next!
Finally, she gets in the limo.
Sean does NOT chase after the limo.
He does look at the ground.
"I don't even know what I'm going to do about my life." -- Des
Listen, who DOES know what they are going to do about their life?
"All I want to do is make someone happy. That's all I want to do." -- Des
I want to go to Europe.
I want to get a book published.
I want to never have to watch this show again.
I want to visit every Wal-Mart in the state of Arkansas.
I want to sleep past 7 on the weekends.
I want the price of gas to drop.
I want to take my nephew to a Razorback football game.
I want it ALL.
So. Thatz that.