Praise the Lord! Barbie Mom Emily has finally returned from her "old world" travels. That flight home from 1689 must have felt like an eternity.
She returned home in the dead of night wearing an over-sized skull shirt. The shirt was over-sized and so was the skull. Both were over-sized. I cannot emphasize this enough. Such a big skull.
She was greeted at the door by her Sweet Ricki and a "Welcome Home" sign that totally looked like it was made by a six-year-old.
Then, she recapped the most tumultuous 4 weeks of her life-- the last 4.
In the middle of the recap her hair came down, the sign came down and the clock struck 9:32, indicating bedtime for Sweet Ricki.
We head to Chicago where we meet up with young Chris, who is wearing an updated Members Only jacket. The second these two are on the screen together you can tell it's over. OVER.
Chris tells Emily to expect a theme.
The themes I picked up on: Chicago, Polish-ness
Chris explains to us and Emily that his family is Polish. You can see the wheels spinning in Emily's head, What does this mean? Did I go to Poland? Is that in the old world?
Chris takes Emily to enjoy a Polish brew in the middle of the blustery Chicago day and they've got the joint to themselves. This was this restaurant's moment to shine and they decided to introduce themselves to the world by going with about 12 different fake plants and leaves and some maroon curtains. And a shit ton of wood paneling. At this point I picked up on another theme: BASEMENT.
We finally head over to Lil' Poland to meet the fam.
The second the door opens I pick up on another theme: Chris might be attracted to his sister, as Emily looks identical to one of them.
They immediately sit down to dinner.
WHITE WINE in the middle of winter? These are my type of people. I wonder if it was Polish wine? I'll have to google Polish wines later.
"So, you're his dad." -- Emily, to Chris's dad
Dad tells Em that if she's looking for love and support Chris is it. If she's looking for something else, HIT THE ROAD.
"I was a hot mess, Ma." -- Chris
I hate that he was saying that in past tense. Baby boy is still a hot mess.
Look-alike Sister asks Emily what it is about Chris that she loves. Her answer is vague and Emily's upset that someday her brother might get his heart broken. She didn't even talk about Chris. She talked about her brother. Red flag.
Oh, Chris. This is not going to end well.
Chris calls himself crazy AND tells Emily he IS in love. Not just falling in love.
Does he love her like I love pizza or like how John and Abigail Adams loved each other?
Then, Chris surprises Emily with a Polka band and some dancing.
Let's rewind for just a quick second. In the opener, Emily said she wanted a guy with some edge.
Baby gUrl, Jef (which is pronounced exactly like 'JEFF') isn't edgy, he just has a shitty (see: weird) haircut.
Jef (presumably short for 'Jeff') introduces her to his ranch, Homestead Ranch (never saw a home).
They shoot some skeet and baby boy isn't a terrible shot. Who knew?
Emily isn't terrible either.
She takes gun lessons at home.
Quick question: What the hell is a 'gun lesson'?
I don't think that's a thing.
Jef (Polish for 'JEFF') breaks down the family situation to Emily and he nervously plays with her dress the whole time they are sitting under that fancy TJ Maxx umbrella on some hay bales.
Jef throws her to the wolves (Not John's family! He got kicked off.) quickly.
There's a lot of denim and a lot of death stares. Oh, and a lot of kids.
Nothing says let's have a fun time like a tall glass of lemonade and what looks to be at least 48 hot dog buns.
Jef's brother, Steve (presumably short for 'Steven'), pulls Emily aside to ask the tough questions. Steve isn't wearing a wedding ring, but he's married. This leads me to believe that he's part of a cult and he has more than one wife. Maybe I've been watching "Sister Wives" on TLC too much?
"You have to have the fundamentals." -- Steve, to Emily
Is he drafting a basketball team or looking for a sister-in-law?
Maybe he's looking for a new wife and means FUNDAMENTALIST?
The sisters pull Emily aside and the tough questions continue.
"A dad, a step-dad, whatever." -- Emily
No, no. Not whatever.
Emily tells the sisters that she's falling in love, but she's slow to throw that word out.
"I'm a mom, too." -- Emily
THIS IS NEW INFORMATION TO ME.
Jef takes Emily to an overlook and he shares some notes her wrote on the way home from the Old World.
"I love how good of a person you are." -- Jef
There has to be a better way to say that.
"I love how funny we are together." -- Jef
I've never laughed less.
And then they made out while laying on a blanket.
This old dog needs to learn some new tricks.
We're headed to the race track to hang out with Awesome Arie.
Emily is wearing what looks to be semi-formal attire.
ABC is always stirring up some fake drama, so I was really expecting them to lay it on thick with this whole race car thing. WRONG. All we get is, "That's so different than NASCAR."
Arie whisks Emily away from the race track to a field surrounded by some apartments. He puts a blanket down for them to sit on and it's at this point, he just. starts. talking.
Arie's parents are so European. They have different values. They are open-minded. No, they aren't open-minded. They say what's on their minds. He's so nervous.
I am so confused.
At this point, I'm expecting Russians dictators or like, Nazis or something.
He did a terrible job of prepping her to meet these people.
It's finally time.
"I've been looking forward to meeting y'all for a while now. Arie says such great things." -- Emily
LIES. You lie! He said weird things! And confusing things!
"Oh yeah, Charlotte, we raced there in the '90s." -- Arie's Dad
OY VEY. The Charlotte tourism people have to be dying.
"Not very sexy." -- Arie's Dad, again
And there it is.
Charlotte's new slogan.
CHARLOTTE: Not very sexy.
Then, they started speaking Dutch and like, COME ON, son! Don't play this game. Dutch?! It's not even Spanish. Who can pick up on Dutch? Baby gUrl needs to put this on her list: must learn Dutch. NEXT.
Arie's mom, dressed like a sexy European, pulls Emily aside. She's very confused. She saw Brad propose and now Emily is sitting here in her sexy European bedroom! How did this all happen? It's all a big surprise!
Arie Senior likes her Southern accent.
On to the next one!
We head to Dallas (D-Town Dougie).
Right off the bat: WRONG. Cows?! Really? Where did they go to find those damn things? OY VEY.
Sean's hanging out with his dogs at the lake. The lake that also serves as a water treatment facility. You don't want to fall in that thing.
Sean has his dogs with him on leashes and the second Emily gets out of the car he drops the leashes as if he's showing off. It was very odd. Also, his dogs have very, very people-ish names. Like, as in, names that I know people have recently named their babies.
So, Sean has prepared a picnic. He makes her sit in the middle of a field that hasn't been mowed. Listen up, I've been on like, two dates to White Rock Lake (LOOK OUT) and there are other places to sit. Places that won't make you itch. This is just terrible. I hope Baby gUrl doesn't suffer from allergies.
Sean launches into some weirdo story about how great he is with women.
"I will never ever allow a gUrl give herself to me if I can't reciprocate." -- Sean
SAY WHAT. I for real need to know if he means that literally. Like, for real.
"He really is so perfect." -- Emily
FALSE. He lives in Dallas.
He keeps calling his life "simple." That stresses me out. Has he never sat in traffic? I know that guy probably only buys organic. I've never been to Whole Foods and thought, This is so simple. No, it's hard!
He just left that damn blanket in the middle of the field. And why did he bring a football? Baby gUrl ain't about to toss around the pigskin anytime in this century. PUH-LEASE.
Sean takes us to his childhood home.
IT IS NOT IN DALLAS.
COLLEYVILLE IS NOT DALLAS.
It's not even in Dallas County.
You gotta take a nap after saying that name.
If she says "perfect" one more time I'm going to set myself on fire.
Sean plays a joke on her. Oh, just dying here. He tells her he lives at home and takes her to a messy room.
"He's a mess and he's really into stuffed animals." -- Emily
Oh, he's joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are so lighthearted!
Sean sits down with his perfect dad. Are these two really related? I see ZERO similarities.
Sean talks about this relationship he has with his dad and blahblahblah, but then Dad comes in and is all like, "He's never shared anything with me before!" So confused.
Dad's heart might explode.
His heart might explode at the same time that my head explodes.
Do they really drink dark beer?
What was that?
Sean says bye to Emily.
Of course, he says bye with some real TONGUE-Y kisses.
This kid needs help.
So. much. tongue.
I should not be able to see your tongue when kissing.
But, wait! He needs more.
He takes off in the most leisurely jog ever, yelling at what was NOT the top of his lungs and goes to get another kiss.
The way he strolls back to his house made me want to move to Colleyville/DIE. It was terrible. He thinks he's hot shit. I mean, I know everyone is saying he's so great and loves the Lord and blahblahblah, but I haven't heard him mention that yet. Like, not once. He just struts around in his tight shirts and lame jeans.
RECAP TIME WITH CHRISSY POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is even the point?
PEACE OUT, POLKA CHRIS.
I think Chris's tie was leftover from a wedding he was in once.
No one would ever actually buy a tie that color unless he was trying to match a bridesmaid's dress.
"Do you have an explanation?"
"I don't have an explanation."
"But, it was me?"
"No, it wasn't."
LIES, Emily. LIES.
"How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you!" -- Chris
ZING. BAM. BOOM. POW.
"Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and think, 'I made a mistake.'" -- Emily
Yeah right. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and move to Colleyville.
"I thought she loved me back. This sucks." -- Chris
Well. That sums it up, right?
Chris doesn't do himself any favors in the limo.
He's too emotional for this show. And that's saying something.
I think we'll see him in anger management soon.
We learn that the gang is headed to the Carribbean next week.
I hope they all drown there.
Do I have to address the armadillo joke?
Don't make me.