I should've stopped before I started.
American Airlines flew these idiots down to Curacao and the opening background music had me believing I had accidently turned on the 5th, and likely, shittiest installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean.
Emily takes a walk on the beach and sits on a rock. While sitting on this rock she reflects back on the last 6 weeks. That lasted 9 minutes. For real. In real life she had to have been on that rock for longer than 9 minutes. Baby gUrl's butt had to be hurtin'.
After she got off the rock she drew her name in the sand.
"Emily + ?"
Right now I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?"
It's time for Emily's date with Sean.
I'm a little disturbed by his outfit.
I own that shirt.
And shorts that look pretty identical to those shorts.
I bought mine on sale at the Gap in March. In the LADIES section.
I also own several pairs of Toms.
One time I was driving through downtown Dallas and I kid you not, there was a homeless man wearing the exact outfit I had on. Surprisingly, watching Sean prance around in clothes I own is way worse. WAY WORSE.
Emily has on a shirt she originally bought for Ricki. But, Ricki said she wouldn't wear it because it's so ugly. She also said, "Mom, this shit is see-through, I can't wear it!"
What is this miraculous specimen of aviation?
HOLY HELL. SHIT DAMN.
I'm telling you, these people are just full of surprises.
And what's that? A private island? All for them?
Again, I'm asking myself, "Do I finish this out or do I set myself on fire?
Sean tells a story about how he never wanted to hold some gUrl's hand. He made it sound so bad and terrible, but really-- he dated a gUrl in high school and they didn't get married. Guess what? I didn't marry my high school boyfriend either.
How do these people hang out on the beach without sunglasses?
"I'm crazy about you." -- Sean
"Thank you." -- Emily
Sean, ever the keen eye, spotted the snorkel stuff "over there."
So, he had on those shorts under his other shorts? Two pairs of long shorts?
It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sean is wearing a shirt that I swear on my life I own in a different color. Again, it's from the Gap.
Emily has a romantic dinner planned on the beach.
Again, Emily tells Sean she thinks he's perfect. He never really denies this claim, he just always smiles. I do like the way he maintains eye contact, but holy crap, NOT PERFECT.
SeanBoy wrote Ricki a letter.
Is that his handwriting?
Reminds me of a middle school gUrl's handwriting.
The letter was sweet.
But, I'm not 100 percent positive that Ricki can actually read, so it's a wash.
Sean can't picture his life without Emily, but he never said if he would propose or not. I mean, not directly. Watching them kiss is enough to make me want to drink bleach.
Fantasy suite card time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, they are just going to stay up chatting all night?
I bet there will be puppy chow and all lots of hair braiding tools, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOT TUB SEXY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sean is like, so hot." -- Emily
Literally or figuratively?
You are in a hot tub. I just want to be on the same page as you, gUrl.
Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite.
SHE'S A MOM, Y'ALL.
If it's past 4am it counts as shacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rules are rules.
It's time for Jef (EXACTLY THE SAME NAME AS 'JEFF') to meet up with Mama Bear Emily. He's nervous about the day, but that's because hipsters don't do summer or water activities.
"Look at where we are. We are in the middle of the ocean." -- Jef
You can find it on the map next to OLDEN DAYS.
They discuss their time together at the family ranch and Jef (English for 'Jeff') tells Em that his parents decided they want to meet her. Oh, thank goodness!
Ok, any dude who changes his name from JEFF to JEF and has parents that are smart enough and classy enough and have enough pride to not be seen on this show, just isn't cut out for this. He's too deep. Too sincere. I don't even think he's in this to promote his water company. Meaning, HE'S HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
I just don't see these two together. I mean, can you imagine him hanging out at a NASCAR event? Absolutely not. He will not like the South. At all. I bet he has friends that aren't white. He's going to be so confused.
One plus? I bet they can share jeans.
And maybe hair products.
Jef (old English for 'Jeff') has some questions for Em, you know, just needs to cover some of the details. They discuss moving and getting a fresh start.
"Next question, you're an amazing gUrl." -- Jef
Not a question.
Basically, he asks Emily why she's still single. Are you kidding me?
Remember her Baby Daddy died? And remember Brad proposed and then they broke up?
That's why she's single. Read the internetS, Jef!
Jef (sounds like 'GeoF') is single because he hasn't been able to see the end goal with anyone, but he can see that with Emily. Is he training for a marathon or dating?
Emily wonders how Ricki would "fit in here." At this point, I'd say awkwardly. Can you imagine a six-year-old hanging out on this date and seeing Mama Bear read a note inviting a man back to her suite for the night?
Oh, you mean fit into the big picture.
Jef turns down the fantasy suite card for Ricki and his family.
Em is thankful.
I dig it.
But, wait! Twist! They are going to hang out!
People, you can do stuff without spending the night.
And here's Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrie!
I wonder where Cassie the Producer is hanging out.
He has on the same swim trunks as Sean.
So, these dudes all wear v-necks and now they share bathing suits?
"One thing you can do that's cool is go swimming with dolphins, in the ocean." -- Emily
Sounds like the best place to do it. IN THE OCEAN.
"I know nothing about dolphins." -- Arie
Good. That means you aren't a 6th grade gUrl.
"Dolphins are not that scary." --Emily
Not that scary? What?
So, they are a little bit scary?
Arie says all they want to do when they are together is kiss. That's great and all, but very teenager-ish.
Emily then shares her feelings about kissing Arie. She LOVES kissing Arie.
"You're doing good in those heels." -- Arie
Oh, is she? She saving babies and building houses or something?
Oh, you actually mean, she's walking well in them through the sand.
Oh. Well, you should've said that.
"I don't know what you do on like, a Tuesday morning." -- Emily
Emily tells Arie he has to get up before 9am, but he isn't scared.
Arie, like everyone else, wants to know what happens after this.
They have not even touched whatever that monstrosity is on their plates.
Could be a salad, could be a fish. Might be a crackhead, got a hold of the wrong stuff.
They discuss loving Ricki and Arie just wants to be Ricki's friend. He sounds like he's breaking up with Ricki. But, Emily digs it.
He's kind of saying all of the right things and not in the wrong way.
Emily is having an inner-struggle. She's a role model and cannot give him the fantasy suite card. At all. She doesn't trust herself with inviting him in. I dig that. Way to go, gUrl!
"There are three guys here and I can only pick one and that means my relationships with the others will be over." -- Emily
That's just for those of you keeping score at home on how this all works.
Oh, good! Emily packed that horse ponytail for this trip!
There's a bald horse running around North Carolina somewhere.
It's time for her counseling session with Chrissy Poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One time I heard someone say that when you look in the mirror before you leave the house you should probably take one thing off. Emily has never heard this advice.
I do not even know how she came up with the outfit she's wearing. A Hanes wife-beater, a long sequined skirt, fake pearls and then, well I don't know what that other necklace is supposed to be. And of course, the horse ponytail. She's trying to be casual, but fashionable. It didn't work. It looks like her house flooded and she could only grab a few items and this is what she ended up with. I do like her eye make-up though!
My favorite time of the season!
Pre-filmed videos of the boyZ bearing their hearts and souls!!!!!!!!!!
Totally normal thing to do in a relationship-- just make a video, share your feelings and boom.
Sean starts off by yelling, "EMILY!" as if she thought the video might be for someone else.
Jef tells Emily that he'll always defend her and protect her. It's his way of saying, "I GOT YOUR BACK." He's in. That's all she wants in a man.
Arie says his heart is always racing towards her. No clue what that means. Like, no clue.
Baby gUrl is strugglin'. Damn. She don't want to teach no lessons to anybody.
Arie and Chrissy Poo are dressed alike.
Emily knows none of the dudes think they are going home. She's about to SHOCK THE WORLD.
So many tears. So many.
Get it together, gUrl. Come on.
After staring at the three photos, for what seemed like forever, she makes her move out to the boyZ.
She can't believe she made it to this point.
I have to agree. How did I make it this far, gUrl?
She cares and she's sorry.
: ( Sean.
Sean is shocked. Just shocked.
They walk out, hand-in-hand, and we get a full length shot of her skirt. I think it's actually curtains. So, she really may have lost everything in a flood and decided to save curtains instead of clothes.
"I feel kind of stupid." -- Sean
Because you didn't understand the rules?
Barbie Mom starts crying. She wanted it to be him so bad. So, so bad.
Dogs are barking in the background and it's finally time for his long car ride home.
Sean says he knew without a doubt that he was going to marry her.
Clearly, I'm questioning his discernment at this point.
Definitely not his spiritual gift.
Emily takes some time for herself and sits on a bench.
She looks up to the stars and cries.
Sean feels like his life was stolen from him and there's nothing he can do about it.
I mean, file a police report, son.
Emily's still on the bench crying and Sean hasn't cried on camera yet. Big ups to him on that one.
And there you have it.
Only two men remain.