We meet up with Emily in Prague. She comes strolling into the camera shot with her same sad carry-on BAGGAGE from TJ Maxx.
"I feel like I'm back in the olden days." --Emily
What days are those? That's not actually a specific period of time, gUrl.
She overlooks every postcard shot of Prague available to film while we wait on the boyZ to arrive. Like a sad ass boy band they all walk up together to meet Chrissy Poo, stride by stride, to get the rules. AGAIN. Chrissy Poo calls this week, "the biggest week." I just can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore-- every week is dramatic, every week is BIG. What about the proposal? What week will that be? The second biggest week?
Arie gets the one-on-one date with Mama Bear and they are going to "Czech out Prague." I actually have a shirt that says that exact same thing. (SHOUT OUT: ANNA BRAWNER)
Arie says he's in love with Emily even though it's only been a few dates. This is believable because I'm starting to believe that Arie isn't actually 30 years of age. Have you seen his pimples? All of that to say, people with pimples (you know, teenagers) fall in love after only two dates.
Mama Bear picks up Arie and she's armed with just a book labeled, "Prague," yet she calls herself a tour guide.
"Isn't it wild to stand here and look at that and think about how many people have stood here and looked at that exact same spot." --Emily, while sightseeing
This. This is what she thinks about while in Prague!
"Today is the best day I could ask for." --Arie
He clearly didn't ask with my feelings in mind.
I've had a better day when a homeless man had on the same outfit as me.
At this point we're let in to the "drama" involving Arie and the producer, Cassie. We are led to believe that Arie and Cassie were caught up in the biggest love story this side of William and Kate. In reality, they went to the mall together once at 16 and maybe got a little handsy.
We learn all of this through an interview conducted by Cassie, the producer. Then, Emily decides to start playing games. She's always playing games with this dude. She tries and tries to get him to admit that he had a foray to the arcade with Cassie, the producer, but instead just talks about a tattoo he got and then had covered up.
Emily cannot understand while Arie would rub that loyalty dog TWICE if he wasn't willing to admit that he knew Cassie, the producer, and picked her up once in his Honda Del Sol and took her to a park where they drank wine coolers and talked about geometry. BECAUSE IT WAS THAT LONG AGO.
Here's my take on it: Arie didn't mention it because Arie didn't even remember dating Cassie. Or maybe: HE WAS 16 AND IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL. Or even: he doesn't give a flying shit about her or the moment they shared together at a Sonic Drive-In once.
Baby gUrl, Emily, has some issues and she needs to quit playing games.
After all of that bullshit we learn that Arie, Cassie and Mama Bear had a talk OFF-CAMERA about the relationship and everything is SO GREAT now.
Dear ABC, if this is the drama you're conjuring up, TRY HARDER.
It's time to learn who is getting the next date.
Every single boy at the hotel is wearing a v-neck t-shirt. Some of them (mainly Doug) look like they have really tiny heads in comparison to their arms.
DO YOU THINK THEY SHARE V-NECKS?
We learn that Wolf (the person, not the animal) gets the one-on-one date.
Chris is livid.
"Croatia did it for me." --Arie
His lead in to, "I love you."
After that debacle with Cassie I think it's in Arie's best interest to get the hell out of Prague (Dodge). Baby gUrl has some issues.
"I have a surprise for you." --Emily
It's fireworks. The only thing less surprising would've been a helicopter.
She also got that one dude fireworks before she dumped him. FIREWORKS MEAN NOTHING TO HER. She should've gotten him a puppy or an autographed football or something.
It's time for Wolf's date with Mama Bear. Wolf looks like he's dressed to go to work. His sweater is basically the same color as his pants and I don't think it was on purpose.
"During communism music was censored here." --Emily
Emily and Wolf try to put a lock on the lover's fence or something. Emily says that the locks represent "eternal love." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Jesus Christ represents eternal love. Those locks are just as sad as those fireworks from the night before.
"How beautiful is that church?" --Wolf
They head to dinner in a dungeon. All I can think about is the assistant that had to carry that couch down those dungeons stairs. I mean, I guess whoever it was got to go to Prague, but not worth it.
Wolf tells a story about his ex-girlfriend cheating on him. Turns out, it was CASSIE. Just kidding. It wasn't.
Wolf is ready to "put it all out there." He's does a pretty shitty job. I mean, he showed her some funeral cards and told a story about an ex-girlfriend. No one is going to accuse this guy of being an over-sharer anytime soon. Or ever.
"My parents are pretty cool." --Wolf
I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET WOLF SENIOR. RIGHT?
Wolf gets back from the date about the same time the group date card gets dropped off. Chris FUH-REAKS out about this and over Wolf's retelling of the date.
Sean does not freak out.
WRONG. He does.
He takes off out of the hotel and heads into the deep dark night of Prague. He literally walks around yelling, "Emily!" The music in the background leads me to believe communism is still happening in Prague and all they had was some horror music to play. People, this isn't scary, it's weird and sad.
I refuse to believe that people didn't tell Sean where Emily was headed. He found her on his ninth round of, "EMILY????!!!!!"
He takes her to someone's house. Or maybe it was a bar and they kiss. And it. was. nasty. Like, you could see tongue.
I don't want to dive into their make out style too terribly much, but: it doesn't look that entertaining. And how many walls do you have to get thrown against before you're kind of slutty? I think it only takes one. Mama Bear is now at two walls. Point of interest: Emily has a child that, presumably, can read and also has eyes to see her mother get pinned up against walls by two different fathers-to-be. But, I mean, I don't date a ton. I don't know that much.
It's time for the group date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"My son would be in 7th heaven!" --Doug
Weird. I mean... right?
Emily pulls Daddy Doug aside and we can tell right off the bat that Daddy is on the hot seat.
"Is he really into castles?" --Emily, to Doug about his son
Emily and Doug sit in a corner of a tower and Doug is stupid. That's all I can gather from this conversation.
So, here we go: Emily leads Doug to the entrance (bad sign, dude, she didn't take you back to the other boyZ) and begins a speech. She basically tells him that his body language and his conversation skills are not where they should be. In the middle of this he finally decides to kiss her. Emily has basically no reaction to this, other than, "thank you for that."
Doug heads back to his castle-loving son.
While in the Euro van (like a mini van, but European) Doug starts to cry. And not just cry. Baby boy CRIES. I cry prettier than he cries. It was bad.
He said, "man" about 17 times. Which is about 42 times less than Arie said, "you know?" on his date.
We get back to Sean and Chris and Chris is not intimidated. Nothing really happens other than Sean gets the rose and Chris pouts.
Time for another one-on-one date!!!!!!!!!!!
"What's Ricki's favorite animal? Cats?" --Jef
The two lovebirds head into a shop straight from Pinocchio and buy some marionettes (puppets, for those of us in America). At first they just buy two, but then of course Jef (not to be confused with 'Jeff') goes to buy a Ricki puppet, too.
Because these two are so fun and silly they reenact their 2-week-old relationship for us with the puppets. Jef (English for 'Jeff') is pretty funny and says nice things, but... HE'S ON THIS SHOW.
They have a talk about the future and Jef feels terrific. He feels so terrific that he can't think of anything cooler to do than introduce her to his parents. Listen, I love my parents and I think it's important for my friends and future spouse to get to know them, but I can totally think of cooler things to do. Like, a lot of things.
Emily is floored at the thought of Jef (short for 'Jeff,' which is a variant of 'Jeffrey' or 'Jefferson') breaking up with a gUrl because his family didn't like the gUrl. Um, good for him! Of course Emily freaks out, she's the most insecure person to ever be pinned up against a wall and kissed by two different men ever.
Jef and Emily talk about the future and it's cutesy. Jef gives those old European walls a break and makes out with her on the floor.
ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLD UP! TWIST!!!!!!! Emily tells Chrissy Poo she's ready-- no cocktails. It's game time!!!!!!!!!!
Emily gets down to her final rose. It's between Wolf and Chris. Chris cannot handle the pressure and asks Emily to go have a talk with him.
"I acted like a boy yesterday." --Chris
Which is the exact opposite of how he is acting now: like a little gUrl.
Chris is falling in love. Chris gets the rose.
Wolf is sent back to his lair where he'll do nothing buy destroy data and think about his grandfather's funeral for the rest of his life.
Wolf is shocked that he was sent packing. He's pretty convinced that he really opened up and shared himself with Emily. He's wrong. I think we all know more about Cassie, the producer, at this point. He told a story about dead grandparents and an ex-girlfriend. I could figure out that info by looking at someone's Facebook profile. Come on, Wolf. COME. ON.
Next week we head home!
Could this be the week a bachelor finally kills a bachelorette for love?
It's the only thing that keeps me tuning in, that's for damn sure.