Tuesday, September 6, 2011

bach pad: epi 5.

Chris tells the gang to partner up and get to know each other because from here on out-- it's a competition built for two. This episode, it's a game!

Could Blake be any more miserable? I haven't seen a grown man in a vest sulk that much since Nick Carter's E! reality show got canceled. Erica seemed really confused by the fact that everyone partnered up so quick. I'm not sure why-- they've been partnered up since epi 2. And Blake, Erica's a lot smarter and prettier than Holly, PULL IT TOGETHER.

The pairs sit around and get to know each other. Graham doesn't know CAM's favorite color, so they devise a scheme. Kasey and Vienna know SOOOOOOOOOO much about each other, so they go to bed (this is called foreshadowing).

Oh, goody. A game show!
It's time to play the "Nearlywed Game!"

Erica doesn't think Michelle has a sense of humor and Kasey think Vienna's exes miss her teeth. How do you miss a person's teeth? Seriously, even if they're great teeth, how do you miss those?

Michael has a bigger interest in Holly than Blake and that whole situation is becoming WEIRDSIES.

Everyone hates Blake. Surprise, surprise.

About the time Graham tells everyone he lost his virginity at 7 is the same time everyone figured out they had a plan. Ding! Strategy! I'm impressed that they even thought of this and relieved because their answers for some of those questions were like, "WHOA."

Graham and Michelle win.
Good for them.

Later, Holly and Blake are flirting and drinking. Michael is wearing a sleeveless shirt. Even later, everyone is sitting around and in the distance, the sound of a helicopter is heard...the gang freaks out, as if none of them have ever been on a freakin' helicopter. Eventually, the helicopter lands in the driveway (surely, there's like an FAA code against that?) and Graham and Michelle get whisked away to a pool and a white sheet doubling as a theater screen.

Kasey and Vienna are frustrated.
They take these frustrations public.
I can't think of anything more inappropriate.

Apparently, Vienna told Kasey she'd have sex with him. But, then she didn't, so Kasey took (see: RIPPED) the ring her gave her off of her finger. Vienna explained to Kasey that "No, is no." Kasey just wants to cuddle with her. Where's the harm in that, V? Kasey tells Vienna that he's leaving if she won't cuddle with him. Finally, Vienna goes downstairs. When they show the infrared cameras, it looks like a lot more than cuddling was going on.

"This is a mansion, not a trailer park." --Erica, on Vienna

Erica clears the room to talk to Blake and she makes it very clear that it's time for Blake to get over it and get rid of Holly and Michael. Blake looks like someone stole all of his vests when he thinks about having to vote Holly off.

Erica and Blake leave and everyone sits around at dinner and talk shit about Blake. They discuss how manipulative he is, how shady he is (which is, "shady as F," according to Kirk) and how much they hate his vests. Holly stares off into the distance and thinks about Blake on his date with Erica.

On that date we learn that Erica talks to her dead friends.
How many dead friends does she have?

Erica is not subtle and she basically tells Blake she's ready to give it to him. She continues to tell him this for the next 17 minutes. You'd think she'd give up after like, 4-5 minutes. But, no. She does everything but force him into the deed. It was so uncomfortable I felt like I had a Unicorn digging into my rib cage. She gropes him, begs him and rubs him...all while wearing a tiara. In the middle of all this they learn they have two roses and they can save a couple.

For the 1,987th time Michael tells Holly that he loves her and he wants to kiss her every time he sees her. He also apologizes. Holly is sooooooooooooooooo confused.

Twenty minutes later, Erica is still trying to get a piece of Blake.
Has anyone ever looked more desperate on television? But, seriously?
Finally, Blake gives Erica the, "no means no" talk.

Ella sees herself and Kirk as a power couple, which leads me into the weekly discussion of what a power couple is and baby gUrl, it's not you and Kirk. Do you look like Faith Hill? Is Kirk Tim McGraw? No. I feel like that's the couple Ella can most relate to. She probably doesn't know who James and Dolley Madison are. Poor gUrl.

About this same time, Vienna and Kasey manipulate Blake and Erica into giving them the safe rose. They stole it right outta Ella and Kirk's sad little sob story hands.

Everyone cries.
And by everyone, I do mean Ella.

Vienna does a creepy dance with the rose. I wish I could put the video on here because it was just weird.

Michelle likes Ella, but she's not falling for the pity party. She's a single mom, too. She's had sad stuff happen to her, too. Vienna, not to be out done, makes it known that she's got a sad story, too. We can't forget Kasey! He's sad, too!

Why can't these people just be real with it? Just be all like, "Dude, I just want the 250k." What's it matter why some needs it? I could use 250k. Who couldn't? Shit, the United States Government could use 250k.

Blake and Holly cuddle up (not like Kasey and Vienna) and kiss. Michael sees it. He's sad. He then asks Holly to vote Blake off. Holly cries and goes and sits in the shower to write Blake a note about how sad she is that he's leaving.

"Blake definitely violated man code." --Graham
That's because he's a little baby!

Finally, the crying stops and Holly votes.
She votes the baby Blake off. She cries some more.

Erica is PIST (see: pissed).

"Tonight was a great injustice." --Erica
Erica, do you know what that word means? This is NOT a good example of an injustice. It's not even in the same realm. Like, it's an injustice that you used the word injustice to describe this situation.

Blake saves the note from Holly.

I wish that the Bachelor Pad house would implode.

1 comment:

The Bells said...


Just found your blog and peed my pants laughing. Ok, I didn't actually pee my pants, but I'm eight months pregnant, so it wouldn't be unheard of if I had. Keep writing. If for nothing else, consider it a personal favor to me so that I will have entertainment during the sleepless nights that I know are in my near future.


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