I cannot handle people who do not dole out proper goodbyes upon their departure from a particular point. The proper goodbye varies upon the situation, but usually, I just need a "Bye. Love you. See you later." Other times, I need more. This week, I need more.
My favorite train wreck, The Hills, is airing its final epi tomorrow evening. We first met some of these idiots in 2004 as cast members on Laguna Beach. In 2006, we packed our bags, determined that our future was still, very much, Unwritten, and made our way to Hollywood where LC was living, loving and learning.
Heavy on the living, lighter on the loving and very little of the learning. Very little.
Through the trials and tribulations of these, could be considered mentally incapacitated, young adults we learned everything they didn't: how not to act in public, how not to treat a best friend, how not to treat family, how not to pack a car (really? moving to LA and you got one giant pink suit case in the back of your convertible?) ... Basically, we learned to, in real life, do everything the exact opposite way these morons do things.
In an effort to get a proper goodbye, let's recap the most valuable lessons learned from The Hills.
The Sitch: Best Friend is Dating a Sociopath
What Happened: Sociopath took over mind of best friend. Best friend also turned into a sociopath. Two sociopaths got married in a lovely church wedding.
What We Learned: Let sociopaths be. Unless you want them to spread rumors about you and your druggie boif making a sex tape.
The Sitch: Not 100% of Your Name
What Happened: Justin walked into the hearts of the cast as Justin and almost immediately said he also goes by "Bobby," which is very different from Justin. From that point on he was stuck with not one, but two terrible names and was forever known as: Justin Bobby.
What We Learned: If you're unsure of your name consult your parents or legal guardian. Unless you prefer to look like an idiot when introducing yourself to peers.
The Sitch: Don't Like Your Face
What Happened: Heidi didn't feel pretty, so she got 10 plastic surgeries.
What We Learned: Sociopaths can't be reasoned with.
The Sitch: Stressed
What Happened: Spencer was feeling overwhelmed. The Gospel was no longer working for him or his life, so he turned to healing crystals.
What We Learned: Stick with the Gospel. Especially when dealing with sociopaths.
What other knowledge can we walk away with from this show?
Well, you can be famous for absolutely nothing. It is possible to brainwash someone who only has half a brain. You can fall down a set of stairs on live television and still get your own reality television show. You can come into a group of people's lives as a home-wrecking bartender and stick around as hottie BFF. You don't have to be relevant to stay relevant. The sure-fire sign of someone doing cocaine is skinny legs. You can afford to rent a house in Malibu, on the beach simply by being a bitch and letting people film you. You can be a complete bore and still get a movie deal where you're killed off in the first four minutes of the movie.
And of course, we learned that disasters are more fun to watch than not.
With that, I leave you with the greatest moment to ever happen on The Hills...