Wednesday, May 5, 2010

the hills: crystal crazy train.

Well, another week and another episode.
Another list of reasons to either jump off a bridge or stab yourself.
Take your pick.


We begin with K-Cav trekkin' on over to AuddiePat's for an afternoon, just an afternoon confrontation.

"After Miami, just trying to catch up on my sleep and get back in work mode." --AuddiePat
Work mode?! You and K-Cav are shooting the shit in the middle of the day, in a house, that you clearly cannot afford.

K-Cav is super pumped about AuddiePat getting into work mode and tells her she's having a party. AuddiePat totally wants to bring her new musician boif, Ryan Cabrera.

The shit hit the fan early when K-Cav just kicks the giant elephant in the room and goes right ahead and asks who is spreading rumors about her drug habits-- her parents have heard about it-- this stuff has to stay under wraps.

"Because I didn't go out with you, I'm on drugs?" --K-Cav

I find it completely absurd that those pesky Hills Producers think I believe AuddiePat and K-Cav are friends. Especially when AuddiePat blurts out every opportunity she gets that, "I don't know you that well, Kristin!" Everyone get serious. K-Cav knows the Hills Producers started the "rumors" because they saw her doing a line of coke.


DUI Daughter, StephiePratt, is back behind the wheel and she's not texting and driving, but she is trying to read Lo's phone while driving. Lo gets super pumped about "something somebody sent her," but I'm fairly certain it was an update from TMZ. Not an actual something from an actual somebody. Good try.

The "something" is all about K-Cav's super skinny legs and partying in Miami. Lo and StephiePratt are sad, but excited for the "party."

"Why does Spencer ignore you? He's your brother." --Lo
Who cares, just go with it.


The Pratties, Honey and Dear, are eating at a restaurant. But, I use the term eating loosely. SpencerBoy doesn't want to be around civilians and Heidi just wants a connection with family.


K-Cav, who clearly doesn't have a drinking OR a drug problem, decides it's time to talk to a real friend, so she heads to the bar to talk to StacieTheBartender, who is in the middle of making a drink for absolutely no one because the bar is absolutely empty.

K-Cav has a gut feeling that StephiePratt is spreading "those" rumors and she needs a drink. Like I always say, when people think you're a druggie-alcoholic with skinny legs you should hang out in bars and then invite people who you think are spreading the rumors to a party at your house. Works like a charm. Fight fire with fire.

Still having a hard time accepting that StacieTheBartender is a regular on this show.


We meet up with King of the Bromance, Brody, and his croanie, Frankie, at the river court. They just want to shoot some hoops (poorly) and talk about girls. It's what all normal 20-somethings do in the middle of the day.

Why does Brody have issues (from the past) with Ryan Cabrera? That's like me having issues with a My Little Pony.


Finally, the party of the century begins and all of LA descends upon Casa De Cav Nasty. It's a really hopping party that everyone keeps calling a barbecue, but I saw no signs of actual barbecue. Hell, I didn't even see a grill.

StacieTheBartender wants to know where AuddiePat and CabCab met. Bromance Brody brings in a 24-pack of Bud Light and SpencerBoy, always wanting to out-do people, brings a giant ass crystal and his stupid-ass wife.

After a round of surgery hugs from Heidi, SpencerBoy puts it this way, "crystals have calmed me down a lot."

Finally, K-Cav and AuddiePat confront Bride of Frankenstein (BoF). Immediately K-Cav grabs one of Heidi's boobs.

"Are you done? You're done." --AuddiePat
"Well, I don't know. I might get my boobs done again. I want H's for Heidi." --BoF
This idiotic statement was met with a look of pure horror from AuddiePat. AuddiePat does have emotions and we just saw them for the first time.

Finally, Brody confronts SpencerBoy about the shit dangling from his neck.

"This is the key to the Atlantis." --SpencerBoy

At the ever-so-perfect moment of K-Cav being pissed about the "rumors" going around and letting BoF in on the drama, StephiePratt and Lo-Lo walk into the party.

"Your sister is over there." --Brody

"Will people stop referring to her as my sister? We have not seen birth certificates. We have not seen evidence." --SpencerBoy
That's harsh for even you, Spence. And do you think she likes going around town being known as your sister? I'd say it's worse for her.

Again, K-Cav kicks the giant elephant in the room and asks straight up, "Are you guys going around telling people a bunch of stuff that didn't happen?" StephiePratt says IF K-Cav was doing drugs she would respect K-Cav and not tell people she was because she knows about the stigma attached to drug use. What. the. hell. So, you'd just let your "friend" do drugs and NOT tell anyone...because of the "stigma" attached to it. Sure, alright.

Lo-Lo convinces StephiePratt to talk to SpencerBoy before they leave the party. It turns out to be the worst idea in the history of ideas since somebody cast AuddiePat in an actual, budgeted movie that was released to the public for its viewing pleasure.

Literally, SpencerBoy goes ape shit because his non-confirmed sister decides to be cordial and utter a phrase in his direction. It was the most awkward thing I've ever seen on television.

"What are you crying about Stephanie? What the F are you crying about? That's why you're not in my life, you crazy bitch, because you come to barbeques and just start crying! I was enjoying time with my wife and I get crying sisters in front of me!" --SpencerBoy

"She just wanted to say hi." --Lo

First off, SpencerBoy says to StephiePratt that she is his sister, so I guess it has been confirmed and he's just not happy about the results. Second, what the hell, dude? Spence was making crazy eyes, yelling about StephiePratt being relevant, which let's be honest, she is the exact opposite of relevant, but come on! That was all a little dramatic and a little weird. AuddiePat confirms that SpencerBoy is off his rocker.


Lo and StephiePratt meet up for a meal and absolutely no food was eaten. They seriously just sit at restaurants and gossip.


And, in what could be the most real conversation to ever happen on this show, CharlieBra tries to speak to SpencerBoy about his crystals.

Spence just doesn't like that his family and his wife's family are trying to be involved in his life. The crystals aren't working and he's clearly forgotten all about the Gospel he was so hyped up about six months ago.

"What are you going to do, build the biggest walls and just guard yourself off from reality forever?" --CharlieBra

"I'm trying. That's why I'm trying to keep it in my crystals." --SpencerBoy

"Well, I don't think the crystals are working, man, cause you're hyperventilating over here. Why don't you take them off? You're crazy. You've lost it." --CharlieBra
Finally, somebody with some common sense has spoken into Spence's life. What is up with the crystals and the hippie clothes and the weird bird feathers? I mean, this is a whole new direction I didn't see coming. At all. SpencerBoy looks like a school janitor with all the shit he has dangling from his clothes. Just substitute keys and key rings for crystals and potions.

It's completely obvious this lifestyle have turned The Pratties into a real, live, straight-up freak show. I can see the marquee now: Crystal Boy of Doom and Bride of Frankenstein coming to a town near you!

Spencer's got a ticket for one on the crazy train. His wifey redeemed her ticket and is already half-way there and back.


StephiePratt and K-Cav meet up and for some idiotic reason StephiePratt thinks they are meeting at a restaurant to eat. TO EAT?! StephiePratt, restaurants are not for eating! They are for background shots!

"We don't have to be best friends!" --K-Cav
False. According to the show's contracts you do.

"What? Are you drunk right now?" --StephiePratt

The conversation between StephiePratt and K-Cav was like watching two 8th graders argue. I can't even put any more effort into talking about it.


I'm going to need to be drunk to watch the rest of this season.

1 comment:

The Bells said...

Hi.larious. I will watch The Hills with a new commentary in my head. Thank you.

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