I have to believe that somewhere in Croatia tonight there were/are 50-100 Croatians gathered in an old castle drinking fancy wine. These Croatians were representing various sectors of the country, but mainly were from the visitors/tourism department. The excitement was building, finally-- Croatia was going to be featured on prime time television-- in America! And what's the lead shot? A STRAY CAT SITTING ON A WALL.
STRAY CATS: 1
I'm fairly certain there was a foreign exchange student at my high school from Croatia. He was a really good looking kid. You could've shown him suited up to play baseball for the ole Russellville High Cyclones, put "Croatian" under the photo and had a better opening shot.
Emily arrived in a "different world, back in time" with nothing but a TJ Maxx special carry-on (teal) suitcase.
The boyZ arrive via boat.
"That looks like a castle."
Dude, that IS a castle.
Emily appears in the boyZ' hotel room and they all act like she shouldn't be there. Like, hello! That's the premise of the show. One gUrl, a bunch of boyZ. Somebody, anybody google this shit for them.
She hands out the one-on-one date card to Travis and all the v-necks in the room were upset that they couldn't button-up their plaid shirts and head out to a different world with Mom Emily.
Travis is perfect for this date because Croatia definitely isn't Mississippi or West Virginia. She's acting like they are in New York or something. Country mouse gone city. No, Emily. You're in Croatia. Croatia is different than all of America.
Emily challenges Travis to balance on some weird rock built into a wall. Before they show the rock it looks like it's kind of hard to do. Then, they showed the rock and it looked wide enough for a Lane Bryant model to stand on, so I'm not sure what his problem was.
The two of them found a Croatian street performer to make an ass out of and mostly, Emily was super disappointed that Travis didn't take his shirt off. I'm sorry, what?
WE CUT BACK TO THE BOYZ AT THE HOTEL AND RYAN HAS ON A HALTER TOP. OR SOMETHING. IT WAS EITHER A HALTER TOP OR SOMETHING EXACTLY LIKE A HALTER TOP.
The date continues for the two people that Croatia is perfect for and basically, nothing happened. Travis hasn't dated since his engagement was called off and Emily isn't into him. Travis doesn't get the rose. But, his voice did crack.
It's time for the group date and the boyZ accompany Emily to a screening of Disney's new movie, "Brave." CLEVER, ABC. CLEVER. I see you pimping your various products across my screen like I don't know you own that movie.
So, the boyZ learn that in order to further compete for Emily's heart they have to perform various tasks. In a fun twist the boyZ don kilts and sleeveless t-shirts and head out to the Scottish (????) countryside to compete for Emily's affections!
They compete in archery, log throwing, tug-of-war with a stick and mockery. I was completely unimpressed. Emily, of course, disagrees with me. She's totally impressed and keeps calling some of the dudes, "brave." Soldiers everywhere shuddered.
Chris gets the bravery cup for trying to compete with boyZ who are bigger than him. Oh, what bravery!
He gets a silver beer stein and some cuddle-buggin' time with his gUrl.
Group date after party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sean knows where he stands with Emily and she wants him to keep that confidence.
Arie is starting to act like a little gUrl.
"I haven't hung out with Emily since London and I'm freaking out. FUH-REAKING OUT." --Arie
Middle school gUrls everywhere shuddered.
He finally gets some time with her and convinces her to do some window shopping, then he pins her up against a brick wall and kisses her. If she wasn't a mother I'd be all like, "way to go, gUrl!" But, she is a mom and that seemed a wee-bit inapprops. You know? I don't know. I'm not a mom, nor has anyone ever pinned me up against a wall in Croatia and kissed me.
Jef (short for JefF) gives Emily a blanket and a jacket. I like that he recognizes that sequins are not warm. He uses the whole, "feelings like people write movies/books/novels/blogs about" line again. YAWN.
Jef (pronounced like, "Jeff") tells Emily he's scared of her and that's why he took so long to kiss her. Baby boy ain't scared no more! He definitely laid it on her tonight!
It's time for Brave Chris to step out of the shadows! He tells her that he, "CAN fall in love with her." I mean, I COULD end up loving mushrooms someday. Anyway. His bullshit line gets the rose as all the other boyZ creepily watch from afar. Arie is super sad because he thought his window shopping kiss would get finally get him the rose.
"You can't fall in love with someone unless you can continue to build on a relationship." --Chris
This S.O.B. should write a damn book.
It's time for Ryan's one-on-one date and the guy just puts his foot in his mouth on a continual basis. All of the boyZ are dressed alike.
V-necks and hoodies.
However, Doug is wearing his hoodie sans v-neck.
THIS IS NOT OK.
The boyZ hate Ryan and hope he doesn't come back.
Ryan and Emily head out to see the Croatian countryside and they just flirt non-stop. She calls it "playful" and I think she means, "play-er." This guy has thousands of one-liners. Literally, thousands.
They spend about 4 minutes on a boat and try some oysters. No one was impressed.
Ryan comes up with a picnic basket and starts to shift his one-liners from flirting to over-the-top deep one-liners.
At one point he says he wants a great woman, so he's done his best to be a great man.
THEN, he says that he thinks God makes a promise to us to give us great things.
DO NOT GET ME STARTED.
That trophy wife bullshit comes up again and she's all, BLAH-BLAH, and he's all, BLAH-BLAH.
It's time for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan has on a pretty great suit, with some pretty terrible torquise leather loafers. There's no way he bought those in Georgia.
Ryan is super confident and Emily just isn't sure. Since she's not sure he decided to share a list of things he's looking for in a woman with her. His list includes 12 characteristics, like: loyalty, logical, encouraging, faithful, nurturer, confident, servant, etc;
I mean, the list wasn't bad. Really. I especially like that he put "logical" on there. People just don't appreciate that quality enough.
Emily isn't into the list. She sees it as a "mold." AND, she's pissed that he didn't have "loving family, not a perfect one" at the top of the list. I'm confused by this, because having a family isn't a characteristic and he said characteristics he's looking for in a woman. So, she's an idiot and didn't even understand what he was sharing with her.
Anyway. She gives him a speech and doesn't give him the rose.
"That is very shocking." --Ryan
Ryan gives her a really long speech and seems mostly sincere. His voice cracks, he almost cries and she almost changes her mind. She really, really thought about it. But, in the end: NO ROSE. Ryan packs it up and heads home.
I hope he can get his money back on those loafers.
The boyZ are so pumped that Ryan's suitcase just got taken away by some creepy Croatian man.
Ryan gives a long-winded speech about being a winner and then gets into the scariest looking taxi I've ever seen. He then says he knows the producers are going to edit everything he says to portray him as he REALLY is and not like the asshole he comes off like. He mentions that he knows where his hope lies and it's not on worldly things and BLAH-BLAH, but at the end of the day, if everyone but Jesus thinks you're an asshole, you're probably still an asshole.
The date is over and Arie decides to go visit Emily and let her know she made the right decision. I think he also went there to just make out with her.
Where is Emily even staying? Did Arie have to take a cruise ship to get to her house? Like, really? She had to stay in a weird Croatian apartment? There's only one hotel in that town? He walked a long way.
Rose ceremony cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emily's wearing a white sequin dress. Sequin modeled after broken glass, of course.
Doug and Wolf (pronounced, "John") are on the bubble tonight, so John, who has to be wearing his dad's suit talks about his dead grandparents. He scores big points for that one.
Now, it's Doug's turn.
She has to place his arm around her and he then positioned his hand in the worst possible area on a woman's body for a man to ever touch-- the part in between the butt and the back. Not even a love handle, the other part. It was so awkward that the cameras zoomed in on it 12 times or so.
During his terrible hand placement he gives her a speech about being loyal and humble and being the best man for her. Emily was not interested. But, she wasn't uninterested, which at this point is all it takes.
Then, he gets on camera and CRIES (like, CRIES) about missing his son. His voice cracks, he can't look at the camera-- it's BAD. Talk about an ugly crier.
Doug hugs like a really creepy old man. You know the type.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did Chris dye his hair?
Seriously, check out Wolf's suit compared to the other boyZ. I bet that's the same suit he wore to his grandpa's funeral in 1999. I mean, it's a nice suit, it's just that compared to everyone else's it's super lame.
Those damn ABC Producers try to trick us into thinking that she's ditching Wolf and Doug tonight, but then like a fairy godmother from the rose factory Chrissy Poo swoops in and lets everyone know there are two final roses. EVERYONE GETS A ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT A CRAZY TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emily announces they are heading to Prague! The boyZ are excited because they've heard of Prague before.
I hope they all get lost on the way there.
STRAY CATS: 3