Tuesday, January 24, 2012

the bachelor: ben:: epi 4.

After the 4-minute preview and 37-minute recap we get our first helicopter of the season. TTGL (Thank the Good Lord)!

Ben wants the gUrls to "experience the outdoors" because he went outside with his grandpa once. Me too and stuff, but like, for dating? No, please. No.

Nicki is starting to make me think she has a drug problem or that maybe she's on anti-depressants. She's very up and down emotionally and she always looks like she just left a really intense Black Friday sale at JC Penney or something.

Kacie B. thinks Park City is the perfect place to fall in love...BUT...what about Antigua and Thailand?!?! And Hong Kong?!

I love that after all of these years the Producers still try to make Chrissy Poo Harrison feel important by letting him explain the rules every episode. That's love.

Rachel gets the one-on-one and much like her "communication issues," it's a disaster. (Kacie B. is CRYING. Someone is always crying on this damn show.)

"I just hope I can get through this." -- Kacie B.
I say that at the beginning of every epi!!!!!

People are so jealous of that helicopter. Clearly, as much as they are on this show, they aren't hard to rent. Get one, ladies!

Ben and Rachel head straight for the canoe and it's now, officially, the worst date ever. A canoe? Ok, kayaking would've been worse.

"I definitely haven't felt like this since my last relationship." --Rachel
Crickets...crickets...yeah... I think that's how romantic feelings work?

We pop champagne!

Unfortunately, that champagne doesn't help them or me. So boring! There was a lot of awkward silence. Some bad hair on Ben's part and a lot of chugging champagne. The picnic and champagne was so bad they skip most of the footage and head straight to the dinner scene and the rose.

"I kind of hate opening up." --Rachel
Good luck, kid!

Group date card time!!!!!!!

Kacie B. has a weirdly positive, but terrifyingly invested attitude about this whole thing. Right?

We get our first glimpse of the Model and within seconds she drops bombs like, "I blossom when I'm around him" and a really neat, what I'm guessing might be a model look to the camera.

Ben starts having a serious convo with Rach and she looks away and says, "this fire is hot." Unfortunately, I don't think she was speaking metaphorically about the fire between them, but the actual fire in the room. Ben can trust his gut, but Rachel isn't good at communication. In fact, she's so bad at it, while she was explaining that she was bad at communicating, Ben had to stop and ask her what she was saying she was bad at. Oopsies! 

We got our first mention of the Dentist at the 24-minute mark.

Rachel, somehow, gets the rose! Proving that roses are not significant in this man's life. They get some "sChmores" and kiss. I don't ever want a smore again, but hey! That's just me talking.

Group date time!!!

Ben rides out to the "ladies" on a horse and I swear, he had to have crapped his pants when he crossed that creek on that horse. I hit "rewind" on the ole DVR at least four times to get a look at his face. Priceless. He's trying to be all rugged while riding a horse, in designer jeans, but then craps his pants! Oopsies! 

Of course, Lindzi, is fah-reaking out over the damn horse. I mean, cool. A horse! I thought most gUrls went through the horse phase at the same time that most gUrls go through their Barbie phase? No?

Ben wants to take the gUrls horseback riding.

I almost always go to Anthropologie before I get on a horse.

The horses led them to a fly-fishing excursion. Not only have the gUrls never done it, but I'm fairly certain that Ben's not really an avid fisherman either. Like, maybe he did this once one he was 12 or 13. You know, with his grandpa! Outdoors!

The Model, again, goes all cliche and metaphor on us and doesn't have one original thought during her spiel on "catching a man and a making a move and stepping up your game, while having your eye on the prize."

Kacie B. great left arm placement on Ben's back!  That's the move the Model was talking about! Way to keep your eye on the prize!

The model coerces Ben into walking eight feet up stream away from the other ladies and she's acting like she won a damn gold medal. Or that she just invented fire. gUrl, you asked him to walk away from the group to try and catch a fish! That's actually what you should do when you fish!

The other gUrls quit fishing and start drinking. A page right out of my own book!

The convo between Ben and the Model was getting super spicy while talking about (dijon/spicy) mustard.

She caught a fish. And there was a weird moment of kissing and screeching. And then the Model carried the fish around for the next 5 minutes and let it die a slow, slow death.

Cocktails and the group date!!!

Casey S. wore a Lady Gaga jacket to the party. It was weird. She had on really fancy shoulder pads and Ben had on a hoodie. That works.

Nicki interrupts and gets the first super dramatic music undertone of the season by telling Ben her boss died. Not even her cousin or something. Then, Ben shares a sad story and now! They are connected! Kiss! Bond!

Samantha rolls in and starts bitching at Ben about only going on group dates. Ben looks like he wants to slap a ho, but instead he tells her he sees no connection and blahblahblah, "I think you're emotional and not serious. I can't justify giving you a one-on-one...I don't see this going any further, I think we should end this right now." Oh, snap! Damn! gUrl, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

"Oh no, coming in hot." --The Model
Another cliche, but brilliantly placed. 

Ben has the decency to walk her out, only making it more awkward. Through the tears and goodbyes she grabs her bright pink suitcase and rides off into a cold, dark night.

"Another one bites the dust." --The Model
Seriously...just say something you thought of! Just once.

Kacie B. gets to go back to Ben's suite and her left boob is hanging out the whole time. I guess Ben likes that. I think she's a little drunky. I mean, look at her eyes.

The Model sits alone on a couch and steals Ben away to the upstairs fireplace where they have the most uncomfortable kiss I've ever seen in my life before the Model gives some speech about feelings and "losing sight" of them as a couple. To help her regain her sight Ben gives her the rose.

People are PIST.
I'm indifferent, because I'm smart enough to never put myself in a situation like that.

The Accountant (Jennifer?) leaves for her one-on-one date with Ben wearing only jeans, a sweater and a bright yellow bikini. Naturally.

The two repel down a crater in their bathing suits and then tread water at the bottom of the crater for a few minutes. Must have been boring because we only see about 40 seconds of it.

The two take a ski lift down the mountain and check out deer. And lightning.

"I feel very special right now." --The Accountant

Ben, over the thunder in the background, asks about Jennifer's past relationship history. Ben wants a needy woman and then asks an ACCOUNTANT if her schedule is structured. BEN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN ACCOUNTANT DOES? OR HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET AN ACCOUNTANT? What a dumb question.

The rain is so romantic!
I'm bored!

"The interaction I've had with her, she just seems really normal." --The Model, on the Accountant
Oh, wow. What an insult. 

Is that gUrl getting her hair dyed while someone is boozing? Disaster.

She gets the rose. They go to a country music concert. Because, you know-- country music is outdoorsy.

Cocktail party time!!!!!!

The Model knows people are talking about her.

How did Monica get those in that dress? Real question.

Emily compares the model to a marble statue. Which, is valid because she was posing with that rose by the fire like a statue. A cold one!

Emily gets one-on-one time with Ben and against Chrissy Poo's advice, tells him about the Model. Ben tells Emily she's gonna go crazy. Oops! I think she's already there. They all are! Well, minus the Accountant. She's "normal" according to the craziest gUrl on the show.

It's during this time that we learn that Casey S. is a few bricks shy of a load by defending the Model.

"She's so cool." --Casey S. 
Poor gUrl. Stuck in high school wanting to be friends with the pretty gUrl. 

Casey runs to tell the Model everything Emily said to Ben. She made some really weird faces at the camera like, "Watch this camera!"

"I'm a nice person, don't F with me." --The Model
That's how most nice people operate. 

The Model gets ready to confront Emily by making crazy eyes at everyone.

Then, Kacie B. says she has learned more about herself over the last two weeks than ever before. The Model has not. She knows herself really well.

The Model is ready to throw down with Emily. Here's a brief summary of what (I think) she said, "You know why I'm laughing. [giggle] My guard is up with you, you talked BAD about me with Ben. Oh, I'm up on it! It's not a good look. You shit in your own hat with me. You're on my list! Good look! Good look! Winning!"

People are still quoting Charlie Sheen? And what does shitting in your own hat mean?

"I'm not used to people being rude to me." --Emily
Where do you live?! I want to go to there!


Zero surprises here... Monica and her tiny dress get sent home. You know, Monica's alright. She started off on the crazy train, but kind of leveled out by this episode and most of the gUrls seemed to like her. So, I hope she does really well consulting dentists. Or consulting patients for dentists. Or. What the hell IS a dental consultant?

This is the point in the show where Ben makes a toast and tells the gUrls where the gang is headed next. Usually, at this point, the drama is over and I'm already fast-forwarding. Oh, not so fast with the remote there, gang!

Greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. 

Ben: We're heading to Somewhere hard to say, Puerto Rico!!!!
gUrls: SCREAMING!!!!!!! Cheers!
The Model: [begrudgingly] I was just there two months ago.
Ben: Well... we're going back.
gUrls: More screaming!!!!!!!

Man, those previews for next week look family friendly, eh?
Until then!

Here's the video of the greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. Start it around the 5:50 mark and enjoy.

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