After a 14-minute long recap, we dive right in to the longest 2 hours of television.
I had a little DVR trouble throughout the episode, so I began with Emily and Benji beginning their trek up the Bay Bridge.
Oh, ABC, it never gets old. Right? Find the gUrl's biggest fear, make her do it, propel gUrl and boy to say things too soon. It's perfection!
Benji deals with the panic by quoting "Top Gun." Technically, I only heard one quote, but it was one too many.
Meanwhile, the other gUrls are watching them on their date through a telescope. NORMAL.
"Holy hell, what am I doing here?" --Emily
I can't believe this is the first time she's asked that. Period.
Benji wanted Emily to be more comfortable and secure in the ascent up the bridge, so DUH, he kissed her. That solves most fears of heights.
"A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together." --Emily
Webster couldn't have said it better.
Emily and Benji head to dinner and they start discussing their fears.
"I've had some pretty abysmal dating experiences." --Emily
YEAH. THIS ONE.
I really think Benji might be one of the more boring people on television.
Her two biggest fears in life are rejection and heights?
Calling bluff, gUrl!
GROUP DATE CARD TIME.
The gUrls try to guess what a leap is. No one guessed correctly.
A leap is like a jump. It is a jump.
One gUrl said it was running with bulls! What a silly billy!!!!!!!!
Emily gets the rose, because she "just gets it."
I tend to disagree.
Especially because she described every single thing that happened as perfect.
How'd she forget that part of the day where she crapped her pants while climbing up a bridge?
Maybe it was the perfect place to crap her pants? Crap with a view?
GROUP DATE TIME.
Turns out... they are going snow skiing...in bikinis!!!!!!!!
That crazy Ben and ABC put some snow down a city street and BOOM, snow skiing in bikinis!!!
"San Francisco is like, a really busy community." --Monica
Yeah. It's almost (almost) like a city.
Precious lil' Kacie B. almost died about 19 times. Ben liked it. I thought it was pathetic.
The next one-on-one date card comes and it's a key to the city. All the gUrls keep saying, "It's so pretty. It's beautiful." And it wasn't. It's very much an ugly necklace from Claire's. Brittney gets the date and she's so un-enthused it's comical. She's torn and confused. And long story, short: she's heading home. Her heart's just not in. DEUCES!
"It's a cool scene. It rains." --Benji
Ben pulls this one gUrl aside and it took me about 4 minutes to learn her name. She complimented him more than he's probably ever been complimented in his life. They kissed. And we learn the way to his heart.
Kacie B. is frustrated and we get our first glimpse of a gUrl questioning her feelings and Ben's intentions and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. They kiss and it's fine.
NICE VEST, BEN.
Did you steal that from a baby?
"She sparkles." --Benji
Now she's a unicorn?!
Blakeley's earrings look like a dead raven is hanging off of each ear.
Edgar Allan Poe would be like, "DAYUM."
MORE DVR PROBLEMS.
We meet back up with Lindzi and Ben's one-on-one date.
Much to Lindzi's dismay, a streetcar picks them up instead of a horse.
Ben shows her all things San Fran via the streetcar and the two get some ice cream. Before dinner?!
We also learn that it's not a real streetcar, it's a bus disguised as a streetcar.
Lindzi and Ben head inside to the City Hall. He uses the Neil Lane designed key to unlock the door. The lights come on. Matt Nathanson's worst moment of his career begins. Ben and Lindzi dance. Kind of terribly. And they kiss. They kiss a lot.
The date is NOT over. The two head to a secret room behind a secret door in a restaurant. They have to be starving at this point.
"I'd like to know why you're still single." --Ben
No. No. No. NO.
Do not ever ask a gUrl that. It's not a compliment. It's just not.
Side note: So far, Ben has mentioned his proposal to The Dentist every 14 minutes this show has been on the air.
Lindzi gets the rose. Because she's a "complete woman." As opposed to...?
Ben takes her to a piano store and he plays that sad, sad, sad David Gray song. Again. But, then, we can't really tell if Ben played it or if it was dubbed over. ABC is always tricking me. ALWAYS.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME.
It's at this point in the show that hell is about to break loose.
Normally, it's because everyone is drinking and wearing ugly dresses.
Tonight, it's because Shawntel, the funeral director, is on her way in to profess her love to Benji.
More on that later.
Ben starts off the night by kissing the Accountant. This is the first gUrl he has time with. So, that's good that he started off like that.
He then moves on to a newlywed type game with that one gUrl. I think it's Nicki. I still don't know these people's names.
Courtney's emotions start to get the best of her and her face ALMOST moved.
"I don't have an opinion on other people's shenanigans." --Lindzi
Oh. I do. OOPSIES.
Again, the Model's cliches come out full-force.
"Courtney has a social disorder." --Emily
She takes her social disorder to the library that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe to. Turns out, it's not a library, but a balcony. And I'm sure he took her outside for things. Because their relationship wasn't a secret at all.
"I see you and I light up. And I'm like, I'm dealing with all the drama and I can handle it. It's worth it to me. I can carry the weight... I didn't expect to feel this way... We have such a strong connection." -- The Model
Seriously? Seriously?! She had to have just watched clips from old seasons of this show, right? She did not have a single original thought during any part of the conversation. Not one. How is that even possible?
WHO IS THAT?
There's so much to say about this little situation because, well. It's all fabricated. I'm sure Ben and Shawntel did meet and did enjoy each other's company at some point. I'm sure ABC knew this. Shawntel doesn't live far from San Fran, ABC called her up, offered her some cash and BOOM. We have new drama on a really old cyclical show. Shawntel never seemed bat shit crazy (BSC) on Brad's season. That type of crazy doesn't just happen over night, it's always in you.
She sits Ben down and tells her about their connection and leaves it at, "you can give me a rose if you want." So, not that bold of a move, really. Because that's the premise of the whole damn show! He can give anyone a rose that he wants! (How do people KEEP missing this?!?!)
Ben is in shock. The other gUrls are PIST. The Producers are giddy.
We're all still watching.
Ben asked the other gUrls to be gracious and welcoming.
That gUrl with the terrible Midwestern accent just screamed, "YOU DON'T KNOW BEN!" I would argue that point to everyone... does anyone really know Ben at this point? You're all fighting over a man you watched fall "in love" with another gUrl on another season of this stupid show. You know that, right? This situation isn't even as normal as meeting a person online.
The Model is worried and upset.
Everyone thinks it's unfair and is prepared to leave.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME.
I can't be certain, but I think every gUrl gave the ultimatum, "If Ben gives her a rose...I'm leaving!" Way to be your own people, people.
"Love is possible. This experience is working." --Ben
We must be watching two different "experiences."
The Model accepts the rose even though she saw Ben talk to "what's her butt."
Casey S. spent about 4 minutes getting ready for this party. Her hair looks like mine after an 8th grade basketball game, which though I have great hair is NOT a compliment.
Nicki is still crying.
"It's just not ok." --Nicki
"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to throw up." -- gUrl
We're down to the final rose and OH SHIT. Someone feels nauseous. OH SHIT. That gUrl needs to sit down. She is going to pass out! She falls down! Everyone is nervous. Ben barely flinches and says, "Can we get some water?" Like, he didn't even raise his voice or his eyebrows or anything.
You have to admire Benji for not getting caught up in the drama.
Erica stands back up.
Ben launches back into his speech. He's flattered that Shawntel put it all on the line to find love.
HOWEVER, NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE!
So many smirks across the faces of the "ladies."
That gUrl needs to sit down again!
He walks Shawntel out.
Shawntel cries to the camera.
Her dignity? Oh, well. It no longer exists.
Benji announces to the gUrls that they will be traveling to Park City, Utah! I'm guessing most people don't even know where that is. Minus the two gUrls from Utah. But, they all act super excited. So, that was neat.
I think the internetS should know that I watch this show each and every week without drinking any alcohol. I don't know how much longer I can keep that up. Just saying.
Until next week's tragedy...