Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the bachelorette: perfect love.

The boyZ and the Dentist head to Chaing Mai, Thailand and everyone keeps saying, "it's the perfect place to fall in love." I guess if I got to ride around in a Mercedes limo from 1983 that looks like something that came out of Michael Jackson's estate, I'd agree. But, for now: I just don't get it.

Finally, the Dentist has on a cute dress.
And of course, she put on a lei and ruined it.

"Only one of you will have the opportunity to become Ashley's husband." --Chris Harrison
Wait. What? Just one?

When reading the one-on-one date card, I'm fairly certain that Sunshine boy had on a bed sheet.

Ben F. gets the date and they take off! I wish they'd really take off.

The two head to a local market to "experience new things they've never experienced before." The Dentist wants to see if Ben can handle "real life." So...clearly, this is the perfect place to do that. What's more real than being in "the perfect place to fall in love" with a bunch of cameras following you around? What's more real than painting mini umbrellas? Tell me! WHAT IS MORE REAL THAN PAINTING MINI UMBRELLAS?

Ben got super awkward during the "are you proposing already?" comment. And since he was so awkward he walked her to a temple and sat her down on a bench and they shared an imaginary kiss. An imaginary kiss. This isn't church camp. Just kiss. I'm not buddhist, you aren't offending me. It's more offensive to watch you have an imaginary kiss.

The Dentist and Ben enjoy a dinner together and talk about wine. The Dentist asks if the wine they are drinking is his. gUrl, unless that shit is Yellow Tail, I doubt they sell it in Thailand.

Does this bitch even want to be a dentist? Now, she wants to pick grapes with Ben? Just clean some damn teeth, gUrl. Please.

The boyZ learn about the group date and the two-on-one date. Heads roll.

"What do you do now that you're in a relationship?" --Dentist
"Just being on her agenda." --Ben

Ben gets the rose and the agenda.

Tell me, do you think it's hard to make out in front of 30 Thai street performers holding fire? Is that just me? Just me. Ok.

Proving just how dumb this show is...someone decided that the boyZ should do martial arts. Against each other.

"I was hoping that when we came to Thailand I could just SEE some Muay Thai Fighting." --Sunshine
Really? You thought that?

This is a disaster from the beginning. Precious Ames, from the get-go, knows he's dead. And we know someone is going to end up in a Thai hospital. So, put two and two together and go on from there.

Not sure who was impersonating the fighter encouraging them by yelling, "No! No! Do sit-up!" But, I think it was offensive. More offensive than the imaginary kissing. Less offensive than Bentley.


Side note: I would guess that if I got 8 potential suitors of mine together, very few of them would have the bodies that these guys do. Very few as in, probably zero.

The boyZ gear up and take it to the ring.

Blake wants to show the Dentist that he's more than a dentist. In turn, he kicks the shit out of Lucas. Oh, boy, you're so much more than a dentist! You also resemble someone in a boy band, you talk a lot, you're kind of a bag and now you're a Thai fighter!

The Dentist starts to realize that people could get hurt. DUH. Untrained, competitive men are in a kick-boxing ring. Nobody is going to shit sugar after this. People are going to get hurt.

That's about the time that Ames gets a mild-concussion.
To make it worse, Sunshine boy is the one who punched him.

Ames continued to sit through the other matches and it was obvious he was really out of it. But, he kept telling everybody he was having a great time and he kept saying, "no, thank you." What a sweetie.

What happened to Lucas' shirt?
Lucas, where did your shirt go?

The date continues, but of course, the Dentist is super distracted because now Ames is in the hospital AND Bentley is still dot, dot, dot'ting...

She says "dark cloud" a lot.
You know what? Dark Clouds don't deserve the bad wrap she continues to give them.

She pays zero attention to Mickey Mouseketeer during their one-on-one time and then Ames rolls in. He can't move his head or neck and he's smiling profusely. But, he was there.
He also seemed a little over-dressed compared to the rest of the boyZ. We'll blame it on his "head not working."

Blake wants to have a friendly talk with a romantic undertone.
That just sounds creepy. Like he's trying to trick her or something.
But, I guess it worked: he got the rose.

And Lucas showed her how to swing a fake golf club.
Lucas, way not to be obvious.

"What's your type?" --Lucas
"I don't have a type." --Dentist
Um, yes, you do. See: tool (adj).

William and Ben C. meet up with the Dentist and some elephants for the two-on-one date.
I could cut the tension with a really dull plastic knife.

Is William getting his hair cut during the show?
Doesn't William looking exactly like the guy who played Prince William in the Lifetime movie, "William and Kate?"

William turns on the asshole in him after he chugs some white wine.

Then, he completely throws Ben under the bus, but prefaces the conversation with, "I'm not throwing him under a bus." Which is always the first clue to knowing that someone is throwing someone under a bus.

William says that Ben is really looking forward to getting home and getting on "the dating web sites." Like, web sites? Why wouldn't he just go to a bar and pick up some gUrls? You don't need a web site. So dumb. This gUrl is so dumb. And multiple web sites or just one? Why would you get on more than one?

The Dentist takes about 14 seconds and kicks Ben off the date.

"Very recently it has been brought to my attention that you have considered online dating." --Dentist
Well, she's getting personal, isn't she?

Ben is pissed. Like, pissed. And I think he had food in his teeth. Again.

What's really sad is that I think Ben really was on the show "for the right reasons." I'm not even sure that he was as mad about the Dentist giving him the boot as he was about the fact that he wasn't going to have a reality tv fairy tale wedding now.

William gives a speech. He wants to get back to where they were on their first date.
Ashley agrees, but then disagrees.
William gets the boot.

And while wearing a juniors section selection from Sears the DENTIST BURNS THE ROSE. Can you believe it? She burned the rose! She. burned. that. damn. rose.

William cries.


Her hair.

Sunshine reiterates his feelings for the millionth time. Officially, he's the only person on this show more desperate than her.

Constantine tells her he's not super into it and ready to give up his life.
Bold choice.

Her eye make-up makes her look like she could have a black eye.

She heads over to the room of head shots to chat with Chris. And it's there that she reveals that Bentley is still on her mind. Shocker. Chris says he's going to fix this situation and he's going to get Bentley to her. I think in his head he's just thinking, "You are a dumb, dumb gUrl. I get paid a lot of money to listen to you though. So...whatever."

"If it wasn't real, I'd be happy to move forward." --Dentist
Right. Clearly, that plan is working out for you real well.

The Dentist gets to the roses and gives a big speech about honesty. But, she's such a liar. Just standing there talking about honesty, thinking about Bentley.

Everyone gets a rose but personal trainer-highlighted hair boy.
He was upset.

"I can't believe it ended this way." --Personal Trainer Boy
Really? So, you've never seen this show? It always ends this way.

The Dentist announces that they are moving forward together and to Hong Kong.

What will the Dentist regret more while watching this episode?
The pink and black Sears number or her Bentley rant? Toss-up.

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