Tuesday, August 31, 2010

bachelor pad: most likely to be dumbest.

You know what's interesting? There are people out there who get paid actual dollars to write re-caps of television shows. Some watch good shows, some watch bad shows. I watch bad shows and then VOLUNTARILY write these re-caps. You know that means? It means, if I was actually on Bachelor Pad, I would have been voted "dumbest" last night.

Alright, let's move on.

Was Wes really floating around in that hot tub in his undies like he just got back from Iraq? Dude, suck it up. You knew her a week. You weren't in love. She didn't die. Get your shit together and invest in a bathing suit.

I think they are misusing the word "competition" during this show. I mean...writing down someone's name on a piece of paper because you think their boobs are fake is NOT a competition. Throwing a ball at that person while they are running away from you and you are screaming, "fake boobs!" at them...now, that's a competition!

I have to be honest-- it's a toss-up on whether or not this would have made me upset. If I was in the environment they were in and one of these people was calling me dumb or shallow, you know what? Water off a duck's back, gUrl! But, sitting around with my croanies? Yeah, I'd be a little sad that everyone thinks my boob job is whack. Or that I'll never be a bride. But, come on, gUrl, you romped around Vegas NAKED in a pool last week in front of two other gUrls, who most definitely talked about it. That does NOT scream marriage material. I mean, not in my world anyway.

I think the producers messed with the voting a little bit. Every single person but Tenley voted Natalie as "dumb." Don't we think they would have been done when filling out the actual surveys, too? YES. Oh, reality tv...you get me. Every. single. time.


Everyone is crying. I clearly don't have a heart, because I laughed at them while they were crying.

I heard Disney is coming out with a new princess-esque movie and the princess is based off of Tenley and she shits marshmallows. The prince is based off of Kiptyn and he throws up brown sugar. It's going to be precious.

Man, Peyton got duped, eh? But, Pey-Pey, gUrl...he has a tattoo covering the whole left side of his body. He's small town. He still wears Abercrombie. This was NOT going to work. I'm from a small town and I mix vodka with a LOT of things, but never. NEVER, ever have I or will I ever mix it with champagne. The guy said he had never had a martini before, which in some circles is a good thing, but in this one it means he's been doing nothing but drinking Natty Light out in a field four miles south of town.

Krisily, have you ever heard yourself talk? That's why you're an "outsider." Also, your name is KRISILY. That's NOT a real name. It's just not. You're 30.

I really like that Wes compares this show to his job. What a job! If you make it to the end, it's six weeks of partying and tanning. And if you don't, well, it's just a shorter time period of partying and tanning. As long as you wear sunscreen and take care of your liver that sounds like a pretty fun job.

The voting was way more dramatic than it should have been. People keep forgetting that where, this is their life, it's not necessarily REAL LIFE or relevant.

Best part of the night: Without a doubt when Krisily started calling people out for voting for her and Wes yelled, "I didn't vote for ya." and Jesse B. followed suit with, "I didn't either." I laughed so hard I cried. Then, I cried some more because it was two hours later and I had gained nothing from watching this show.

"I feel bad for Krisily, she really embarrassed herself tonight." --Dave
Wait. What? She just now embarrassed herself? You clearly haven't seen the footage from last week where she was scribbling your name down on the cover of her notebook and drawing hearts around it.

"People in the house. They came to party. They want to drink and hoot and holler." --Wes Yes, Wes, yes...when people want to hoot, they almost always want to holler as well. It's a given.


Erin said...

HA! Some day when you are a famous writer, please remember me.

This is so funny! And makes trash tv all the more worth watching when I can read your re-cap!

kate said...

My new strategy: Watch Bachelor Pad on Hulu at the same time as reading your recap. Perfect Tuesday morning...but yes, I feel like the past two hours have pretty much been wasted. Nonetheless, I remain hooked.

Lauren Lashlee said...

I have to agree with Erin. You simply amaze me and I am just honored to know you. ; ) Someday you will be writing for SNL... I have no doubt! Your post exceed my expectations. fyi.

Beth Spicer said...

Did I sense a vague reference to Dan's Land in that post? 'Fess up. And I believe it was about 21 miles south of town. Just to clarify.

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