Last night was no different. I tuned in to the disaster of a train wreck shit festival that is Bachelor Pad. To say I feel like less of a human for watching this would be true. To say I lost brain capacity cannot be proved, but I have my guesses that I may have.
Last night the following questions kept running through my head: Who are these people? What do they do for a living? Didn't Craig M. say he had to lie to his employers just a few months ago to go on the Bachelorette? How does that work? Why is her hair that color? Why does she keep shrieking like she saw a shark in the water? Does that gUrl have friends? If so, why'd they let her wear that? Do those tattoos even mean anything? She loves him? Like, LOVE? But, he says they aren't even dating and she keeps dropping that bomb on him? Who is this gUrl?
Obviously, I'm intrigued by these people. And clearly, I'm super annoyed. Which is why I've decided that since my favorite piece of shit television show, The Hills, is off the air, for what is hopefully the rest of my life, I will blog about this train wreck. Since the format and premise of the show is much, much different than The Hills (thank God) the posts will be, too. Basically, this show is two hours long and I can't re-cap every scene. You've been alerted.
Chris Harrison showed us his casual side last night with a bright pink polo and some jeans. And then, in true Chris form he wore the ugliest tie he could possibly find. It's like his wardrobe team scoured the outfits of old soap opera stars from the 80s or something. TRY HARDER.
Melissa what's her ass who got dumped by Jason what's his ass is back as a co-host, because apparently Chris can't handle the drama. But, it takes his chances of getting an STD down, too, so I bet he's fine with sharing duties.
The contestants are all idiots. And who's doing the weather in Houston if this guy is spending all of his time playing the same four chords over and over and over again in a pool to a bunch of drunk gUrls?
What'd Elizabeth Don't Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Don't, Do, Please, DO from Jake's season do to her weave? And. I mean, she. is. CRA-ZAY. Like, certifiable. Not to mention, a bit manipulative.
And Tenley? gUrl, calm the hell down. Please.
I was happy to see that Peyton finally made it off that aircraft carrier and that Gwen is still chugging along somewhere over the rainbow. Also, real nice to know Wes is still a struggling musician. Hey, dreams never die, do they?
What will happen next week? Will it be the most dramatic game of Scrabble ever? What awesome washed-up musical act will perform? I can't wait to find out!
I need a Xanax just thinking about it.