Tuesday, August 2, 2011

the bachelorette: finale.

The Dentist is continuing (and FINALLY ending) her journey through Fiji and Monday night television! She's convinced she'll get engaged tonight, but I'm looking at this episode as someone's last shot to run the hell away.

Who let Kat Von D out of the bag? Seriously. Is this sister for realS? She has naked women tattooed on her body. Her brother is a really cheap knockoff of Eminem-- sweat rag and all. Who knew the Dentist was related to so many celebrities with drug and alcohol problems? I have to respect her for keeping their identities so low-key. I'd tell everyone I was related to the brilliant man who wrote the words, "Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it 'window pane.'" And of course, "You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo." That's something you tell the world about.

Sandra Bullock had to have watched this episode and been like, "that bitch!" and then she realized it wasn't actually the woman who just recently broke up with Jesse James and stars in her TLC reality program. Right? I'm right.

"You look like a nice gentleman." --Dentist's Mom
Because her son looks like the exact opposite.

Let's talk about how the Dentist wasn't listening to anything JP was saying when he first sat down because she was really busy dabbing herself with a towel. That brother and her are two damn peas in a pod. Two peas-- one pod.

The Dentist's family immediately, via mom, invites JP into the family and then Kat Von D gets all crazy-eyed and starts into the questions.

"You're too much for him." --Dentist
She's too much for anyone.

Kitty Kat, Mom and the Dentist sit down for a heart-to-heart. The Dentist immediately cries and she has a point. Kitty Kat hadn't even talked to JP yet and she's all, "he's not for you," and all, "I'm so logistical." Where does laughter fit into logistics? I think, logistically, JP works out way better-- he's in New York. Ben's in Cali. Duh. Logistics be damned, Kat.

Following that conversation the Dentist goes to find Eminem on the beach. Eminem, if you're so hot, take the huge dark shirt off you have on! It'll save you some towel usage. Where do you think you buy a large ass shell necklace like that?

Kitty Kat and JP sit down for an official meet and greet. Basically, JP says he loves her and it's real. Kat doesn't agree, introduces herself as Frank and then tells him he's set in his ways. It was all very precious-- 'precious' if you hate your sister. Everyone's favorite part was when Kat said the Dentist seemed happier with Brad. This is where I rolled my eyes. No one would be happier with that jackass. Seriously, people would be happier with a poster of two kittens in a flower pot as a life partner.

As the sun rises over Fiji the Dentist takes a walk with her shoes in her hand. I'm glad to see that poor clothing choices happen throughout the Dentist's family. Kitty Kat has on black high heels-- at the pool. I swear I just saw a Lisa Frank tattoo.

"Stop crying!" --Kat
Yes, please.

And then, she called her a bitch.
Christmas will be a lot of fun this year.

I love that Kat's reasoning for everything is, "she's been wrong before," and that is why Kat is over the top about all this. I say: great argument.

Ben shows up.

The Dentist tells her family that she thought Ben's family would be more like her's--trashy-- but, in reality Ben's family likes to have tea in the city.

"I love dog-voice-talk." --Dentist
I could go a million years without ever hearing her dog voice again.
I feel like someone was clawing at my eyeballs.

The Kitten takes Ben to the pool and Ben tells her that he's in love without a doubt.

I just noticed Kitty's fake Chanel earrings.

It's now time for Ben's date and he's wearing a fedora. I know some people think that that's alright, but nothing in me agrees. Fedoras are not acceptable.


"I could never see myself having a bad moment with him." --Dentist, on Ben
Umm. Reality check.

The Sexy guitar music comes on and the mud starts to get dirRty (with two Rs). He just said "lube" and "erotic." No comment. That whole scene was just beyond what should ever be on network television.

The Dentist gets really dressed down to go meet up with Ben. She puts on her favorite jorts of all-time and Ben tells her he loves the jorts, he loves her, he loves it all. Then, they make out.

JP doesn't really get a daytime date. He gets a couch on the beach. It's all "judgy-judge-Judy" talk and all I can think about is how bright JP's shirt is. So bright. The Dentist uses this as a perfect time to do some fishing and gets JP to tell her a lot of nice things. She's so good at that. Then, JP takes that towel off and they make out. Typical. So typical.

We head over to the Westin and the Dentist uses the same phrase on JP as she did Ben, "good day." You dog!

JP gives the Dentist a little gift. It's a cheap photo album he bought at the hotel gift shop. There's one photo in it and a note. Side note: this is NOT the greatest love story ever told.

Surprise of all surprises! NEIL LANE is here! Neil is kind of over-stepping his bounds, too, asking all kinds of questions and being all Chris Harrison. He should've told JP to go back to his room, change clothes and THEN he could pick out a ring. What the hell, JP?

"I just want to be there for you." --Neil Lane
Really, Neil?

Ben flies in first and we all know what that means-- LOSER.

"When you know you know." --Ben
Unless you obviously have NO clue.

Ben shows up and the Dentist just lets Ben get down on one knee. After he says a shit ton of nice things, of course. Like, gUrl, you could've saved this dude a little bit. Throw him a bone. Don't let him get down on that knee! She let him get down on his knee. And then she just stared at him, for what seemed like 2 months.

Ben is not happy. He takes one last look at the driftwood and storms off. And then we hear the word "sugarcoat" for the second time this episode. He basically yells "deuces" and rides off in a boat beyond the horizon. Seriously, where were they taking him in that damn boat? I mean, it was a wide shot. There wasn't anything near him.

JP gets his shot in between the driftwood and it goes a little smoother for him. But, not before he tricks us a little bit with yet another speech about being heartbroken. OMG. What a little baby gUrl! Who hasn't had their heart broken? Seriously, who? I mean, I'm just a blogger and I've even had a broken heart. He's kind of a bitch.

They tried to trick us, but he gets down on one knee and is all, "marry me?" And she's all, "hell yeah, boyfriend! Will you accept this rose?" What. a. leap. of. faith. I don't think he would've proposed if she hadn't said her little spiel beforehand. Seriously. JP's just like that.

And, in a touch of brilliance from the ABC producers, REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" plays over a montage of kissing and giggling scenes from the two lovebirds. There's also some straddling. She did straddle him more than any of the other boyZ. That should've been a sign.

Finally, ABC reminds us why we watch this shit by making the final line of the season, "You walked in during the first rose ceremony and were like, 'my husband is definitely in this room,' and I thought 'what the F&*@ is she talking about?'"

It sums up just about every question I have: What the F&*@, y'all? How long can this show go on?

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