Tuesday, August 23, 2011

bachelor pad: epi 3.

We start the show with Melissa (CAMe) throwing shit in the kitchen as Blake tries to talk her off the ledge while wearing a vest made for a baby. Any show that begins like that only screams goodness. CAMe accuses baby vest Blake (bvB) of playing follow the leader with Holly. bvB realizes he jumped on the crazy train and now he can't get off. Trouble is ahead.

"There are three things I'm blessed with: mental durability, physical strength and problem solving." --Jake
Am I an idiot? Have I ever heard of the phrase 'mental durability'? Maybe I'm not mentally durable.

Jake is super pumped for the synchronized swimming routine because he did "Dancing with the Stars." Proving, anyone can get on that show. Different rant for a different day.

As I watch these people practice their synchronized swimming I think about how I sat at work the other day on a conference call for over an hour on the topic of medicare physician payment reimbursements. I'm the same age as some of the people on this show. Their life is synchronized swimming on reality tv and my life is not.

Karen, Dave and Natalie have a tough job ahead of them.


Vienna is bound and determined to win this for Kasey. She swims and dances and kicks and hoists someone on her shoulders, but comes up short. No rose for Vienna.

If you're in water, is it still called a 'jazz' hand? I think it'd be something different.

The gUrls routine was terrible. Blind Jack Russell Terriers could have performed better.

The men are much better.
Who cares.

Michael and CAM (Michelle) get the roses.
Hugs all around.

It's now time for our first Kasey and Vienna fight of the evening. But, not before Jake and Erica cuddle up. It was the most awkward cuddle sesh ever, but did not lack in vulgarity. There was a lot of rubbing in inappropriate places with someone's foot. Lots.

Kasey is upset that Vienna is "always so cordial and nice" to Jake. If that's "cordial" every charm school in the world should rewrite their curriculum. Cotillions everywhere should gasp in shame.

Kasey calls Vienna a fame whore. I would take him more seriously if he wasn't wearing a tank top.

Michelle takes bvB, Graham and Kasey on her date. Michelle says she's good friends with CAMe and I'll say, original CAM is someone you want on your side. 2nd rate CAMe is someone you want to run from screaming. CAM tells bvB to suck it up.

CAM then has a preshy little convo with Graham and gives him the roses, after they make out. Where was this CAM during her "Bachelor" season? Like, she seems so normal and fun now. I like that Graham wears cross-trainers on the date.

Michael is a sucker for punishment. He takes Holly, Vienna and Ella on his date. The date is horseback riding. Vienna complains the whole time. Surprise, surprise.

"This shrew of a bitch."--bvB (Blake)
Pot. Kettle. Meet.

bvB apologizes.
Hugs all around.

Michael's got it bad for Holly. They have another talk about something. Bret Michaels sings. Holly gets the rose.

Jake begins his political campaign for himself and against Kasey. Kasey and Jake both couldn't be less appealing. I take that back. I bet they could be, but at this moment in time I can't imagine two less appealing men.

Here comes Princess Erica. This is really her breakout show. She starts rubbing on Jake and eventually, they make out.

Kasey takes Vienna on a 6-month anniversary date. In all the moments I've ever had in my life, I've never been more embarrassed and sad for a person as I was for Kasey during this moment. The ring, the song-- everything. The only promise I want to make to Vienna is the promise to punch her for all of America if I ever see her on the street.

What I think Kasey sang: I love from this moment on, I can carry on my love for you tonight. I gave you a promise and put it on your finger and now I know is that you are mine forever. So when you're feeling blue, just know that I love youuuuu.

Oh, Heaven help us all. I gave you a promise and put it on your finger? Well, I guess that's better than where I would've put it.

Erica keeps the make out information to herself while she sleuths around the house spying on people. She got bored real quick listening to CAMe and Jake. She legit shrugged her shoulders and walked off.

Is Vienna really helping Ella fix dinner for what looks to be the group? I wouldn't eat food prepared by Vienna if the rest of the food in the world had been dropped on a gas station bathroom floor.

Personally, Erica creeping on Michael and CAMe was one of my favorite scenes of television ever. She gave a priceless look to the camera.

"She's constantly in a state of crazy." --Erica, on CAMe
"I'm not the one falling off the rocker every few minutes." --CAMe

CAMe threatens to leave, but the Producers told her Gia already did that and her exit would have zero dramatic impact on the show, so she stays.

"I want to be strictly platonic partners." --bvB, to CAMe
I don't think you should have to tell people that. That should be a given, right?

You know if you're running to Jake for help, you're up shit creek without a paddle. But, that's exactly who CAMe runs to. Jake says, "What happened? Let me guess! They're being mean!" Yes, Jake, and then they wouldn't let her sit at the lunch table either! Oh, the pain! The torture!

My friends behaved better as 6th graders than some of these people.

Chris lets us know that all the "ladies" are safe and one man will be leaving the Bach Pad.

We spend the next 20 minutes watching people squirm and scheme and manipulate and cry. In the middle of it, out of nowhere, Kasey learns people are voting against him. HIM-- the head honcho! The guy with a disability!

Erica sits CAMe down and gives her a pep talk about bvB. Erica is good. She's using the "empowerment" technique to get her to believe she is needed and wanted and that she's powerful. This technique almost always works. Good call, Erica.

Kasey gives a cheers! to loyalty as everyone else in the house was "pulling the trigger" on voting him off. Oh, the irony! The irony! Ironic because right about this time Kasey finds out who's backstabbing and who's lying-- news flash-- it's everyone!

The next 14 minutes are two to three different soundtracks of dramatic music with voice overs about voting Kasey off. Erica takes a clear gavel into the voting room and talks to a picture frame before voting and slamming her gavel on the voting box. Who made her do that? No way she did that on her own. The tiara? Yes, all her. The clear gavel? Where do you ever buy one of those? The gift shop of the Supreme Court?

Jake pulls Kasey aside. I don't think any sentences were spoken.

"People are letting trailer park trash and a tattooed guy run their lives." --Erica

Finally after an agonizing amount of time and inordinate amount of times hearing Jake say, "I don't know where the numbers lie," we find out where the numbers are laying.

In Kasey's disheveled bed.

And suddenly, it cuts to black! That's it.

Why did we not get to see Jake's goodbye? Are they saying that for 30 minutes at the beginning of next week? Spare me.

1 comment:

Johanna said...

Can we all just pause for just a second? Brett Michaels.... BRETT MICHAELS. I thought Chris giving marital advice was bad, but THIS?? I die. I absolutely die.

Sidenote: I was hoping the rose would have some thorns.

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