Friday, January 21, 2011


In the last couple of weeks I've had several conversations with several different people about dating. The awkwardness of it, the hard parts, the fun parts, etc; etc; One conversation sticks out more than any of the others though...well, that's not true. Two conversations really stick out. The first one sticks out because I experienced some minor, yet extremely inappropriate sexual harassment and the second because it made me think.

During this one particular conversation, and really many others, I have been told that I'm not doing enough to "put myself out there" and that I have to "be available." I always assumed being ready and willing was available enough, but apparently it's not. So, I've been trying to figure out what this means exactly and how I can do it, short of flat out telling a man, "Yes, I would love to have your children," OR "What song do you want for our first dance?" Apparently, that's too forward. There has to be a fine-line, a happy medium. Right?

This is the beginning of my feeble attempt to "be more available."

Dear single males between the ages of 25 and 32 that might be reading this or friends of single males between the ages of 25 and 32,

Hi. I'm available and this is what I'm looking for:

A male with a job and health insurance, preferably one with reliable transportation, but I understand cars are tricky, so I'll settle (for the time being) on just transportation of some sort. This includes but is not limited to: a compact car, an SUV, a luxury sedan, a car that looks like a mini-van but isn't, a truck that doesn't have huge wheels and maybe a boat.

To be honest, I'd prefer that you have a college degree from an SEC school or obviously, any Ivy League school or Stanford would work as well. I would be willing to negotiate if you happened to attend a small, private university. The negotiation being that you pledge allegiance to the University of Arkansas and adopt the Razorbacks as your team of choice.

It would work out well for both of us if you make a lot of money because I only make enough to support myself and maybe in the future, a small dog as well. I'm fine with continuing to work after marriage as long as we don't have to work at the same company and be around each other all day.

Your personal style matters very little to me as long as you're not completely incompetent and as long as you don't wear anything Ed Hardy or Ed Hardy like, anything sleeveless, anything that looks like something a teenage gUrl might wear or anything you can buy in a gas station. We would probably get along nicely if you preferred Polo shirts and fleece vests to track suits and Jncos.

I could care less if you have hair or don't have hair, but if you have curly hair that could be called an "afro" I will be less likely to want to go out in public with you.

It's an absolute must that you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that you know what I mean when I do something and follow up said action with the phrase, "I grew up Methodist."

There are a few other things to consider. The majority of these things won't make or break us, but in all likelihood your ability to take them on as I do would only find us at an altar that much faster: a deep love for any and all trashy reality television, the ability to speak about politics (you absolutely do not have to agree with me on politics), a desire to learn, the acknowledgement that Google is one of God's greatest gifts to man, smiling (unforced) in photos, the agreement that happy hour is necessary and good, a love of fried foods and arriving everywhere on time every time.

Well, anyway, that's about it. I'm available and am only crazy about steak, not putting food down the disposal, schedules and hair products.

Call me,


Risa said...

Love it!!! If I was a single male, I'd call!

Erin said...

This is awesome!!!

Kristin said...

Have you thought about dating Kellen Segura? He matches like 90% of your requirements...

Anonymous said...

it hurts my soul to know there are people out there who still think that bedazzled clothing (ed hardy) is appropriate for anyone other than a 10 year old girl.

just heard about your blog...good stuff. cant wait to hear your take on america's favorite dental student.

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