Wednesday, June 24, 2009

coming soon: Jesus (maybe)

I was barely 16 when the Y2K hysteria swept through Baptist churches across the land, but I remember the panic and the stockpile of canned goods and bottled water. I found it silly then and even more humorous now. It was as if people were declaring that if the world was going to end and Jesus wasn't on his way they could survive off of Spaghettio's and microwavable brownies.

I knew very little about end times then and I barely know enough now to boast an opinion on the subject-- it's just one of those really tough subjects that no one will really know about until it comes...but, lately some really weird things have been happening. Like, really weird. Things, that I believe, are definite signs (signs will be bolded to make it easier for you to follow) of the Lord's impending return. Signs that are very much Biblical: wars, natural disasters and so on and so forth...and then, then there's these: first off, it's hot as fire outside. Even at 7pm. I think Jesus is giving some people one last opportunity to realize that they do not want to spend eternity in hell. Repent now, it's hot!

Then, there's Lady Gaga and Spencer Pratt (yes, the emergence of these two characters lead me to believe Jesus is coming soon). I mean-- who are they? Where did they come from? Are they real? They have to be a sign from the Lord. HAVE. TO. BE. They are everything that is wrong with the world today. Everything. Don't follow? Check it: "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them." 2 Timothy 3:1-5 If that doesn't describe those two I don't know what does!

If that isn't enough to convince you, here are some other things: I own a pair of real-life-fitted-to-my-foot-running-shoes. If you know me, you know that running is very last on my list of things I want to do ever and working out is merely something I say I am thinking about doing to fit in with my friends. Now, I own a pair of real running shoes and go more than once a week? Hello, apocalypse, nice to meet you.

And lastly: my parents told me I shouldn't come visit them, as they would be busy and out of town. The most watched television show on Monday night was about a marriage dissolving. I'm not sure I've ever witnessed something so terribly sad as watching a family fall apart in front of a camera. A camera that they happily welcome. There is a show on television (reality, duh) where a 16-year-old boy said, "I would say my passion is hooking up with girls." What? Is this life? Can that be a passion? Most people's passions fall somewhere in the realm of helping others to basketball and this kid said hooking up with girls? Hello, hurry up, Jesus.

**Usual religious disclaimer: This post was not meant to mock the Lord's return or to take away from the seriousness of the Gospel and His promise to return. But, seriously: repent now, it's hot!

** Bridge diagram available upon request.

2 comments:

Annie said...

hahha you crack me up and really give me so much joy!

tru dat to all that you said!

especially the spencer and lady gaga part. WHO ARE THEY?

Laurie said...

You can come home now... PLEASE!!!!

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