Tuesday, March 15, 2011

the bachelor: final rose.

It's finally here. This is the exact feeling I have every Monday: fear and loathing. And I'm not even in Las Vegas.

Why have they been calling this Brad's second chance at love? Wouldn't the more appropriate phrase be, "second chance at love on television?" Why are they acting as if he hasn't had the opportunity to fall in love at other times in his life?

Wow, Bach Brad is a crier! I mean, like, this dude was bawling. He was crying so hard he had to get up and just walk around. You know, he just needed to "walk it off." And, he loves them so much that during his interviews he keeps calling them "these people." That's warm and touching right there.

I'm sure it's the editing, but they wasted zero time getting "these people" all the white wine their livers can possibly handle.

Brad tells the fam he's considering proposing and launches into his spiel about these two "ladies" and how "completely" different they are.

Channy is the first gUrl.

"Where have you been?!" --Brad, to Chantal

OMG. His twin brother's name is CHAD.
I'm done. I. am. done.

Channy tells some BS story about falling in love in Costa Rica and she totally left out the part about the white button-down shirt. Oopsies. Channy tells the brothers that Brad is "exactly what she wants." Exactly as in...old, non-committal and not willing to move away from Austin.

Pam really puts Channy on the spot by asking her how she fell in love so quick. I personally would have given her a talk about what the internetS has done to society and this whole "instant gratification" thing, but Chan went a different way. She rambled on and on about being divorced and now she has an open heart.

"You are precious." --Pam

Pam called Channy "precious" again and...I mean, that's just NOT what I would call her. Like, not even in the top 23 words I would use to describe her.

"We all deserve it." --Brad, about being happy
I see trouble down the road after that comment. That's called entitlement issues.

"If everything works out, I will marry her." --Brad, about Channy
Everything as in...Emily says no?

Was Chantal wearing half a burlap sack?

Emily arrives.

Oh, ABC producers, you bastards. They totally made Twin Chad ask the family question right away. And then everyone freaked the hell out. And then things just went to shit for a second. This was all Brad's fault. Talk about awkward. Get your shit together, Brad.

Then, the tears came. Which, I thought was interesting. That's now the 14th time I've heard this story and I just felt like she wasn't as into it this time. She could have done a better job of telling it. Not tear worthy. Still sad? Yes. Tears? No.

How do you let your brother do this twice? TWICE. I'd kick my brother's ass so hard.

"I love the fact that she's a lady." --Brad
What the what. What kind of gUrls does he usually date?

I love that Emily tells Pam that Brad went out of his way to be kind to Little Ricki. Well, yeah, DUH. Obviously. (SHOUT OUT, CHARLIE SHEEN) Can you imagine if he was just a huge a-hole to her? Like, instead of a kite he gave her a blender or something like on "Father of the Bride?" And then Emily would be all, "He was kind of a prick to her, but...I'm working through it." Please.

The family breaks it down and the SILs let Brad know that Channy won't "get it." She isn't in "their world." WTF. Having a kid doesn't mean you're living in outer space. Get serious. I bet Emily can still go out for wine and sushi even though she has a child.

Pam lets Brad know that Emily is the total package. But, he can't leave it at that. He HAS to go look at the ocean and soak it all in. He has to think about everything while staring off into the distance.

Brad loves a good cargo short or a good cargo pant. Loves to be able to carry a ton of shit, if needed. That's the thing about cargo shorts, you don't have to carry stuff in the pockets, but you could if needed.

Chantal is blown away by the fact that Cape Town, South Africa has wildlife. As if no other place in the world but the San Diego Zoo has animals. Then, she calls the sharks menacing.

Isn't Channy scared of water? Perf. Throw her in the damn ocean with some sharks. Brad goes on and on about how he has "asked" her to do these things for him and I'm like, BULLSHIT. Brad, come on. You didn't plan this. If you planned this you'd somehow involve a helicopter. Duh. We know your shtick.

"If we can get through this, we can get through anything." --Channy
Yes, what a perfect example of a trial/ tribulation. Someday when you're arguing about bills and kids and where to spend Christmas you will be able to stop and say, "Honey, remember the time we swam in the ocean and saw those sharks?"

"You're brave." --Brad
There was a cage. Give me a friggin' break.

Oh, good! Channy gave Brad a map. I needed a geography lesson, because for a second I totally forgot all the places they have traveled this season.

That's the note she's giving him? Did she even buy stationary? Trash. How does she not at least have some card stock? I appreciate that she called it a "process" rather than a "journey." But, "journey" would've played into the map theme better.

Do you think Chantal just sat and stared at that bottle of wine all night after Brad left? I hope not. Brad seemed to be pretty wowed by her map. Maybe she should look into cartography or something if this doesn't work for her.

Uh-oh. Emily gets a helicopter ride. Should I be reading into this? I like how they weren't even excited by the damn helicopter at this point. It was as if they were renting a car at the airport and they got the keys to a Ford Escort. "Oh, no way! A Ford Escort?! Y'all rent these out?!" I mean, it's still a helicopter, y'all.

Emily is just as concerned about the wind blowing her hair as she is about Brad being ready to be a father at that very moment. She tells him that he can't drink beer at six o'clock anymore. At that point, I would've been out. No alcohol at 6pm? Is that on weekdays or all days? When can you drink if you're a parent? That would make me re-consider my options at that point.

Brad is so awkward and uncomfortable. I don't get it. He claims to totally "be himself" around Emily, but then it ALWAYS looks like he's going to throw up when he has to bring up something hard to discuss.

Brad spills his guts about being a "real" father and love Lil' Ricki like, "not a step-father." And then Barbie Emily wants to really know what that means. And he goes a little deeper about how he'd help clean up throw-up or something.

I appreciate that Emily is trying to really tell him how hard being a parent is and Brad assumes Emily is calling him a flake or something. It was really weird to watch. Like, just weird.

Something is wrong with him. If people don't react just perfectly to what he says he has a hard time breathing and then starts wiggling around and shit. Dude, Brad, it's not like she said, "I don't believe you! I think you just want to watch football and drink beer at 6pm." She was just getting it all out on the table.

"I was slapped in the face...I am profoundly hurt and upset." --Brad
Oh, please. You're such a pansy. Go call your therapist.

Brad's excited and nervous and describes what has to happen. He has to choose between two "incredible" women. So, at this point, I think he finally gets it. He finally understands the premise of the show! It took you long enough, ass.

Chantal needs to look at the water so she can remember everything, but that isn't enough. She needs to get in the water and think about stuff.

Emily needs to take a stroll to remember things, but she obviously gets tired and just needs to take a seat and read her journal.

Somehow, Brad finds his way to the side of the road and goes over the process again, "I have to decide between two incredible women." He reiterates the fact that the women are "so different, so different." But, then. It hits him. Just like that. He walks up a hill, looks behind him, gets to the top of the hill and it's settled. He knows.

Hey! I've seen this guy before! Neil, it's you! He's sold some rings to some other guys I know. Oh, wait. I don't know them, they've just been on tv before.

Brad explains to the ringmaster that "it's love."

"It's the best gut-feeling I've ever had in my entire life." --Brad
Could be IBS.

"Brad could ask me to be his wife, it's like, what a romantic love story." --Chantal
No comment. Zero things to say about that.

Brad is scared, but excited and happy.

There's a peacock on Chantal's shoulder. Somebody tell her there's a peacock on her shoulder!

The white limo, circa 1992 pulls up. Chantal is first. Chris acts as escort and is probably getting paid six figures to open a car door and walk her down a dirt path.

The peacock is dead. Somebody tell her there's a dead peacock on her shoulder!

Bach Brad wastes no time. It's obvious that she ain't gettin' that rock. Channy knows it, too. Wait for it, wait for it...there it is! He has stronger feelings for someone else! Zing!

He tells her that "everything that we had and always will have is very, very real." Always will have, Brad? No...this is a break-up. You don't get to "have" anything anymore. Maybe he's talking about the fact that they could possibly be sharing an STD?

That piano music really makes it somber. Really brings it home. This is real shit. Real feelings involved. Real peacocks being harmed to make that dress.

Chan has nothing to say to him. But, then she says a lot on the walk to the car.

Brad is so desperate for approval. Every time he says something to someone he follows it with, "please believe me when I say that." Brad, we believe you until you do something to make us not believe you. Like, following up everything you say with, "please believe me."

Chan cries and cries and cries in the car. I wonder if all those bracelets were hurting her? Or maybe someone told her about the dead peacock?

"I really thought Brad and I had that 'thing.'" --Chantal
That 'thing' is herpes.

Is that the same limo they used in "Pretty Woman?"

Brad can't explain the confidence he has. And I can't either. He isn't good with words, I imagine he's not that smart. Why is he so confident?

Chris gets paid another six figures to open the car door again.

Emily is anxious. She's 24 and has wanted to get married "for-ever."

Emily is so much prettier than most people. It's kind of ridiculous.

Brad doesn't know where to begin, but somehow he digs deep and finds the words. But, not until he takes a few deep breaths and a couple of awkward pauses. There it is!

"You're my once in a lifetime...please give me your forever." --Brad
That was cheesy, but the rest of it was kind of sweet. However, I don't think you can give someone forever. That's more God's role than anyone's.

Again. Sooooooo desperate for approval. He shows her the ring and then says, "I hope you like it."

"You made me the happiest guy since the first time I met you." --Brad
What? What. That makes no sense.

Well, of course he chose her. What idiot wouldn't choose her? He's going to give up drinking beer at 6pm for her. That's serious.

And finally.
It's over.
Another season of The Bachelor comes to an end.

We learned so much. Loved so much. Hurt so much.

Please note: I haven't fully watched "After the Final Rose" yet, but I have plans to do so and also do a follow-up blog on lessons learned from this season, the most dramatic season ever of...The Bachelor.


bekah brinkley said...

LC, for the record...you're hysterical. LOVE the bach recaps each week. i'm crying in my office right now it's so funny. well done. :)

Michelle said...

Oh man I'm going to miss these LC! My abs are also going to miss a good workout every tuesday morning!

Anonymous said...

One of my favorite lines was when he said "my mom is a great judge of character". Wait, is this the same mom that picked your crappy ass dad? Yes great judge of character! Love it LC! You should recap bachelor pad too!

M.Shuffle said...

This is the best thing I have ever read.

Anonymous said...

Every Tuesday I look foward to your blog and after i read this one, it totally inspired me to write some of my own thoughts about the final rose.

1. Really…no self-respecting mom would ever wear a t-shirt with a belt. And of course, it was on the year’s most windiest day…what? ABC cant afford a wind blocker for the cliff side date?
2. I don’t know about you but I always come out on deck with my wet suit only half zipped and my obviously fake boobs bulging out…who doesn’t?
3. They forgot to include a staff member on the credits: someone is clearly responsible for stabbing bach brad in the leg to evoke the stream of tears at the beginning of the show…its not like your family died and came back to life in Capetown
4. Anyone notice that while the brothers were talking to the girls…there responses were minimal…I wonder if its because they were mentally plotting who was gonna gang bang the new wifey
5. I wonder if ABC owns a helicopter…hell bach brad could have had his pilots license by the end of the season
6. Why the eff would they make the shark attack date at the end…”Hey Chantal..ive fallen in love with you so I think its time for me to see you shit your pants when this shark comes flying at your face”
7. Ever notice how chantals dates were really exciting and then his date with Emily would be “talking on a cliff”…I fell asleep during there date so I comment further on this.
8. “I have a temper”…i.e. “ive hit her and that’s why she’s not in Austin”
9. “I want to get married”…i.e. “I want ABC to shell out an ass-ton of money for a wedding that will last less than a year”
10. Chantal has met someone…really…I thought u were SOO in love with Bach Brad. How do these people say they have met there soul mate but are either courting someone else or have met someone else and fallen in love in less than 5 months…oh wait, that’s right…these strickingly gorgeous people can only find love by being on TV…

Morgan said...

i cried over that dead peacock too. poor peacock.

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